Trying to Love

I haven’t planned this post at all, except for a brief splash of ideas laid out in my head. I’ve just opened up a document; I’m going to write and write until my thoughts are expressed in some sort of capacity.

Recently, ever since exams were done, I’ve been trying to connect more with my emotions. Without the stress of work, or the lack of pressure, I knew that I could relax more. I’ve been trying to feel things, to love and laugh, to enjoy what I usually do. It’s not working and that’s scaring me.

The fact is, I’ve been feeling a little disconnected for so long that I now don’t understand how to properly process my emotions. I can’t relax; I sometimes just sit there doing nothing because I don’t know how to convince myself that doing something would be productive. I have hardly any motivation to write, blog or talk to people. Considering that I used to live and breathe motivation for it, to not have that has shocked me beyond all reasonable thought. I don’t even know why I feel like this. Without it, I feel drained, tired and more hopeless than I can fathom: why can’t I muster up the ability to love what I did before?

It’s not even that I don’t love blogging, for instance, or having conversations with people. I really do love it; it makes me so happy. However, it doesn’t hold the same weight for me as it did before: I don’t feel that same spark. Before you get scared that I’m going to stop blogging, it’s not just with this: it’s with absolutely everything. Instead of feeling revitalised, I feel dulled, wrong and rusted. The main frustration for me here is that even though I know I feel like this, I don’t know why. That means that even if theoretically, I know what to do, I have no idea how to put that into practice.

People say, “Give it time,” or “Do something every day that interests you” – but how? How do I do that when I’m scared of things not having the same feeling for me, of my heart not leaping in excitement at the thought of writing a story? I just wish I knew how to sort through my mind enough to implement solutions that worked for me when I was younger.

Hey, maybe that’s the way to do it! I know how I felt towards things when I really felt like I had emotions. Over a year ago is the clear defining line, when I was in year 11. After that, things start to blur so perhaps I’ll use the pre-exam rush of love I had for everything as a beginning point.

Later today, I’ll make a list of why I think that blogging is amazing and all the feelings I experienced. Most likely, it will just be comprised of words and little phrases but I don’t want coherency. My thoughts are in no fit state to have any semblance of structure. I may talk about it to friends too, if they’ll listen, because writing and speaking all of it may force the feelings to become more apparent.

Tomorrow, I’m going to see the GP and talk to them about my mental health because I don’t think I can cope with anything any more. This lack of feeling towards things I previously adored and still adore in my mind worries me; I need to bring it up with her. I feel so scared though. What if something goes wrong? What if I have no idea how to talk about my feelings and it ends up in a disjointed mess, like this post?

You’re the people who mean the most to me at the moment; that’s why I’m being so harshly honest with you. I love blogging but for some reason, it feels like a cloud’s descended over my mind which means that I don’t have the capacity to feel much. I now don’t even feel confident enough in my own feelings to even think about making new friends. The possibility of falling in love, once such a magical prospect to me, is so far beyond my reach right now so I don’t want to think about it.

I haven’t written like this – no structure, no rhythm or underlying, coherent message – since I shut my emotions down. That’s so sad but the consequences of trying, temporarily, not to feel and to add structure to your life is that it backlashes, turning temporary into far longer than you anticipate. Emotions are odd in that they’re so subjective, which panics me, but having an outlet – as this blog was originally intended – makes me have the barest of smiles on my face.

It’s not that I don’t have the emotions. I know that I’m capable of feeling them – I was and I will be; I’m not a robot. It’s just that currently, I don’t know how to feel them.

I’ll connect to myself again. Soon, I’ll be able to label some feelings as love, some as euphoria, some as a passion for writing and some as the happiness I get from having a beautiful conversation. Bare with me and I promise that I’ll be okay in this respect. People on here have helped me more than I even realise so that I can identify the problem and put steps in place to try, as hard as I can, to work through it.

Do you ever feel weirdly separate from your emotions?

From Elm πŸ™‚

12 thoughts on “Trying to Love

  1. I’m not a doctor or anything but this sounds a lot like a mental health issue called depersonalisation. There’s this youtuber I watch called doddleoddle and she’s going through a very similar thing so maybe u should watch her videos? Her second channel doddlevloggle is where she talks about it more x

    • Thank you πŸ™‚ I think I know what you mean. I really love Dodie as I think I understand how she feels; my best friend is also going through something similar. It means a lot that you’d point this out because it helps me to get my thoughts more in order x

  2. I’ve been through this quite a few times in my life; a kind of apathy that takes over where I feel nothing, and have no desire to do anything. You reach a point where you don’t even have the motivation to do something about it. It’s strange, and surreal, and leaves you feeling a bit empty. However, I do find it passes… Normally, I find it gets to a point where you ‘hit the bottom’ so to speak, and so all you actually can do is go up.

    From what you’ve written, you seem to have made sense of it yourself, and the steps you’re planning on taking are very good ones. Making lists about why we love stuff, why we’re grateful for something, and practicing little tasks. Even writing this blog is a great start, it’s helped you make sense of your own thoughts (one of the most powerful reasons we write). I also think seeing a GP is a great step, too many people refuse to because of the stigma that can surround “mental health”, but by accepting it and seeking guidance, combined with everything else, I think you’ll be through this passage in no time πŸ™‚ Best of luck!

    • I really, really hope so! And thank you – you explained it perfectly. I already feel myself making a lot more sense of my thoughts but I still have a long way to go. It won’t happen overnight but I’m willing to give it time. I really appreciate your comment because I can tell that you understand how it feels and right now, I need to know that I’m not alone in a way

      • No problem at all, I’m glad I can help. It’s definitely about giving yourself time. A phrase I love is “Small Steps towards the future”. Doing something small, but positive, each day to get you where you want to be. Things don’t have to be these big grand gestures. Just things like, making a list, or starting a blog post, or going for a walk… They help us get there πŸ™‚ Keep going! You’ll surprise yourself πŸ™‚

  3. I’ve never related to something more in my life. Since the summer holidays started, I’ve been feeling numb and drained for the most of the time. Because I have nothing to do (well I do but no motivation to actually do it), I have too much time to overthinking everything, and I’m exhausting from it, from self depreciating and convincing myself I’m worthless, but I don’t know why I feel like this. To be honest I think I feel too embarrassed to seek help, because my mental health has been going down hill for a while now but I worry that people I reach out to will think I’m just asking attention, because I have nothing to be feeling down about that’s obvious to everyone else. I think you’re very brave to talk to the GP and I hope it goes well. I just have no passion for anything anymore, everything I do to try to cheer myself up just leaves me feeling frustrated and despairing at my lack of ability to enjoy anything. It’s so weird because usually I love the summer and spending time with friends but I can’t face seeing people when I’m in this state, it’s just not fair on them. Sorry for a bit of a rant, it’s probably the last thing you need, but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and we’re all behind you, best wishes xx

  4. Hi Elm, you’ve just put into words what I’ve been feeling a lot recently! It’s sort of like I’m not feeling like myself but I when I have the motivation to do things to help feel better I don’t get the same enjoyment or happy feeling out of them that I used to and it really frustrates me. I was talking to someone about this recently and they reassured me that it’s okay and that over time while I be less hard on myself it should improve. I’m currently working on just really enjoying life and being myself at the moment. Best of luck at the gp tomorrow, you’re so brave to go and I hope it helps. Know that you are not alone and we are all here for you and supporting you. I sometimes find as much as I don’t want to do things at times even the simplest things like colouring can act as a distraction or at least something to do and when it’s completed it feels like an achievement, if that makes sense. Best Wishes! πŸ™‚

  5. I think I do get it, because I’ve felt that way too. But why don’t you take a breath and relax? For a minut. And then, Just tell yourself this: it’s not weird or wrong to feel numb and deprived or whatever. It totally IS NOT. Come on, its so human. Just smile. Don’t think. You dont have to weak your brain for a reason. Just smile. I promise you’ll be better. And take care, okay?

  6. Aaaaaah you’ve just put into words almost EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling for like,,, a while now (some days/weeks worse than others) – right down to the cloud thing. It really is horrible and I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like that too. I really hope your GP can help, and I’m incredibly proud of you for going. Love you loads, and stay strong you beautiful person ❀️

  7. I’m sure that your spark with blogging will come back Elm! The way you write is so intellectual and you amaze me with what you write. The fact that you open up on your blog a little could be good as it might help others as well. Love you Elm xx

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