Over the past few days, I’ve started to email bloggers from a new email and it’s going to be the one I use from now on to talk to bloggers. It’s much more connected to my blog and because it’s linked to my account, I prefer to use it.
You can email me here>/a> with the email address being firstname.lastname@example.org. I’ll still be using my old email address for those who don’t know about the change but if any of you get an email from that, it’s not another Elm – it’s me.
Now that’s out of the way, I wanted to update you on what’s been happening. I’ve felt restless and jittery over the past few days, not least because of the GP Appointment I talked about in this post. I’m still waiting for the call from the counselling service; it’s put me entirely on edge. I can’t relax, worse than usual, but I know it’s a by-product of some sort of anxiety.
Earlier, I went from feeling light and airy to feeling this awful, weighty sadness and lack of motivation that I can barely explain. It’s a sense of unfounded guilt at things I can’t even control: I feel bad for thinking, sometimes, and if it weren’t for my friends I’d be screaming. They, along with those who read my blog and who inspire me, are what help me through whatever it is I’m feeling.
I told my friend that I had no idea if what I feel is true or false, which is pretty accurate. However, I don’t feel that bone-deep weariness I did feel before. Things are getting better, if only in a small way. I’m thankful for those small ways, despite my continual terror that every single person I know is lying to me or hates me. Although I convince myself that at the slightest thing, people will never speak to me again – as I did today – I know it’s illogical. That shows me that I’m getting a little better. I’m not perfect because I still tell myself that people are going behind my back but I’ve improved.
Tomorrow, one of my closest friends is coming to stay until Saturday. I’m looking forward to that; she’s never stayed over at mine before and with her, I can be more independent. She doesn’t make me feel stupid for the things I say or like I’m some sort of burden.
I may not be able to post over the next few days. I want to enjoy myself; I want to live my life without feeling constant fear.
Your support and comments have really helped over the last couple of days. Seeking prvessional help, I think, is one of the best decisions I’ve made for months. Even if these feelings are only temporary, I want to be able to sort them out rather than screaming them out to no one in particular.
Sorry for the abrupt nature of this post; I’m exhausted and so overly paranoid that talking to anyone much will make me feel even more worried.
From Elm 🙂