An Update about Feelings, My Mind and Blogging

Heyy, for the first time in what feels like way too long. I really want to say some things and whether you get to the end of this or not, I really appreciate you reading even one sentence. This is long and not very positive; if you’re feeling especially negative at the moment, please don’t feel like you have to read this because feeling as positive as possible is the most important thing.

There are currently a few things which I know with all uncertainty and they are the only things which I can say I definitively know:
• Things in my life are steadily becoming more and more hectic, including something which has flipped my life upside down and could potentially change a lot of things
• Currently, I don’t know how to deal with these changes and I’m falling way, way behind in my subjects
• Situations from the past keep on cropping up and I’m discovering a lot of new things that don’t sit well with me, so much so that I don’t know how to “get over” these situations
• I have closed myself off to many, many people around me; I neither talk nor write any more like I used to
• I desperately miss writing and the inability to express myself, my disappointment in myself and my fear that I’m somehow broken because I don’t feel invested in my own feelings is having a direct and unhealthy impact on how I feel on a day-to-day basis
• I am deeply and worryingly unhappy which is not something I know how to write about or that I feel I can write about on here
• If I tried to write about it on here, every single one of my posts would be negative and I really don’t want to spread negative energy – I want to do the opposite

Right now, I’ll hold up my hands and say I don’t know what to do. I’m telling you all this to be honest, to be as transparent as I can be because I feel like I’m slowly getting more and more unhappy, more and more blank and that’s not a mindset I like. I won’t romanticise this or overly complicate it: I am unhappy; I have been unhappy for a long time and I do think you need to know that. Maybe I can explain some of the things that I’ve been doing or not doing, to give you an idea of what I feel.

For the last few weeks, I’ve read no posts. None. The key to getting inspiration for my posts was always the world around me which included what other people had written. As I slowly realised my mental health may not be as great as I claimed and then I decided it would be a fucking great idea to ignore the problem, I stopped reading everything. I pretended to some people in real life that I was satisfied with this, that it was the best thing for me but really I was furious with myself and that mentality isn’t constructive because reading posts isn’t a chore. It should be fun and thought-provoking before anything else.

On the subject of talking, I’ve barely replied to messages, even worse than usual. This is most, well, noticeable on Twitter where things piled up and I thought that if I did reply, no one would even care and that I was pretty much a waste of space who just pretended to be funny or insightful. With some people, I put a lot of effort in to prove to myself I can because I love them; with others, I’m so terrified of putting effort in that I shut myself off even though I respect them so incredibly highly. If I haven’t replied to your messages or emails, please know it’s not because I dislike you – that couldn’t be further from the truth. I have barely enough energy to think properly or even create a plausible reason but I’m so, so sorry. I’m not making an excuse for my stupid thoughts because there isn’t one and I can’t just blame it all on the mental health.

I’ve said I’ll do things but haven’t. This includes posting guest posts for people that I’ve written, organising collabs or even emailing people back. In essence, I feel like a shit blogger and I wish I could be less honest with you and come up with some bullshit excuse but the truth is that I have no motivation to do anything, including schoolwork. Thinking of that, I still haven’t done an essay set 3 weeks ago and I feel so sick now at the thought of going into school that I shake violently and want to scream for hours. Again, that’s a poisonous attitude for me to have, blaming myself all the time for things I haven’t done. Yes, I should have done it all but sometimes I just can’t. At all.

One of the most unhealthy things I ever do to myself is to close myself off. LIKE ELM STOP YOU SHOULD TALK MORE!!! I’ve stopped talking to friends properly, have little desire to go out when before I would have jumped at the chance to do something different. Often, I feel apathetic to a lot of things and my love for company has both increased wildly and decreased, depending on who it is, how I’m feeling on a certain day and the context of the situation. I spoke to my Head of Year this morning and she said it was surprising to see me so composed but the reason for my calm was not because I felt any better. It was because I felt numb inside and 100% didn’t want to talk. Today, I don’t really feel entirely there – “spaced out”, as I call it. I’ve downplayed all of this to my friends, partly because I think they’ll get sick of it but also because I think I’m lying to myself and if I tell them the truth and then realise I was lying, it’ll be much harder to undo. That’s incredibly nonsensical but sometimes I genuinely feel like I’m faking stuff inside my head to make excuses for things.

Sometimes, I say positive things I don’t feel and pretend to feel fine like I did with my Head of Year today when really, I feel the opposite. I don’t feel awful every day but I do feel sad or disconnected a lot of the time. I went to see a counsellor on Saturday and though I didn’t cry, it was the least fake I’ve been in months, potentially years. I didn’t have to know how I felt and in school, I put such a mask on that I don’t know what’s me any more. Essentially, I’ve forgotten what I really feel, how I work and what I’m doing; I’ve lost sight of it – excuse the pun – so that on a day-to-day basis, if someone asked me how I felt I’d either give them opposing answers on different days or just say “I don’t know”. Mostly, though, I pretend I feel better than I do because going into depth exhausts and confuses me because I never know if what I’m saying is what I’m feeling.

I don’t like myself for all these things. It panics me; I feel like a failure – but that’s the problem. I shouldn’t feel like a failure because my mental health will always come first but I can’t help it; I can’t help screaming at myself and sinking further and further down into this well of negativity when in theory, I know how to change my mindset. I know that beginning to think more positively will start a chain reaction which will make things feel better but I can’t seem to stop hating myself and feeling miserable which is incredibly damaging to myself. People around me have tried to convince me I’m not affecting me and yet I won’t listen; I will directly say to people I have no idea what I’m doing or how I’m feeling and that I mistrust people I should love. I neither want pity nor sympathy and I’m deeply scared people will think I will and that I’m attention-seeking, which is another reason I no longer talk.

That’s why I’m writing this. To tell you I’m not coping and to explain to you the decision I may have to make, or the changes that might happen – especially here. The truth is that things are getting so overwhelming that if I tried to post about it all, this blog would be filled with rants and anger and fear. I don’t want that. That may be a thing that a lot of people say but I’ve become really aware, recently, of how my words can affect people.

I’ll continue writing but I’m not sure in what capacity. Writing was and is still my safe haven, where I go when I need help. However, it’s become something of an effort that is an unhealthy effort. My entire mindset, focused on negativity that I don’t need, might just be made worse by constantly writing about that negativity. I DON’t WANT TO BE NEGATIVE.

I always tell people, “If you start to feel like writing is too much, that you feel like you have to continue it for other people and to make sure people read it, stop doing it for a while or cut it down a little.” I think I have to take my own advice. I may not want to but it might be what is best for me and I want to show you that things won’t be great all the time and sometimes you have to make shitty decisions that make you unhappy but that might make things more bearable in the future.

I have too much to say and so that’s why this is so long. I know that you’ll understand because if you’ve got this far then I know you care in the slightest bit and I appreciate that so, so much. This isn’t a goodbye or even a temporary farewell. It’s an explanation of how I’ve been feeling, why all of it is unhealthy and the steps I may have to take to make myself feel more like myself. Does that make any sense?

There isn’t a conclusion to this post. I’ve come to no realisation except that I’ve missed writing and that telling you things have lifted a bit of the weight off, for a while. At some point, I’ll update you on what’s been happening event-wise as opposed to feelings-wise and so things might make a little more sense then. I needed to say all this, even though I’m really afraid of what people may say and the advice they may give because of how right they will probably be. I trust you though: people here have helped me through so much shit and I forgot just how much writing does help, despite my worry.

No matter how much I write or how little, I’ll still be here. I’m here to support anybody that needs it, regardless of how I feel, because at the core of it all I want to help people. That’s not just a bullshit phrase; I really mean that. Never be afraid to talk or do what will make things easier for you because your life is about you. It’s not about the wishes of others.

Love from Elm 🙂

46 thoughts on “An Update about Feelings, My Mind and Blogging

  1. Hi Elm, I’m sorry that you’re feeling unhappy and numb. I guess sometimes these things just happens and it would feel like there’s little you can do. Heck, I don’t know what to say to make things feel better to you. Take care, and go to the GP again if necessary. Go outside and take a walk (or not, the weather can be terrible :-P) Take your own advice and talk to people. I’m here if you feel as if there is no one to talk to. (You don’t have to reply if you don’t have the motivation. I understand.) Hope you’re feeling better soon. *hugs*

    • Honestly thank you – you’re wonderful. I really need to book another GP appointment, things are getting worse 😦 You being here for me is great and I appreciate you xx

  2. I’m sorry you’ve been having such a bad time, and we’re all here to listen if you’d like to talk to someone through a screen. But also, please don’t pressurise yourself about blogging. It SHOULD be your venting area and writing should be your escape and I really don’t want to see that taken away from you. We don’t care about “negativity” on your blog. We come here and read your posts because we’re invested in YOU and if you aren’t feeling good, we care. We don’t want you to put up an act.
    That said, if you still feel the guilt to write positive posts or reply to messages etc, don’t worry about it. Leave it all, if you want. We only care about you being happy in the end xx

    • Seriously, you are so supportive and I absolutely adore you for your comment 🙂 Thank you for just always always always being here and reminding me why I love this place and why I’m important to myself and others xx

  3. I’m sorry for you that you are feeling that way. I’m here for you 💕 Maybe you can do therapy and talk about your feelings amd thoughts? I have anxiety myself and lately I also didn’t want to interact with people and that only made it worse. Be open and talk about it. We are here for you. You are not alone. We are all in this together 💜

    • That’s a good idea 🙂 Thank you. It’s just tricky to talk when I don’t know how but I’ll do my best 🙂 Thank you for telling me about your experiences; it helped xx

  4. You are such an amazing person and we all care about you! Make sure you take time for yourself to do what you love. I’m just a message away ❤️

  5. Hey Elm,
    I’m so sorry to hear you haven’t been feeling great recently. You and your mental health are far more important than any blog comment or post or school assignment. So if you need o hand in an essay late or not at all that’s okay. And taking a break from blogging or writing slightly more negative posts is okay too. As Iridescence said we come here to read your posts because we genuinely care about you and your life and how you are. So whatever you write about that’s okay. If there’s anything I can do or anything you want to talk about, I’m always here to listen.

  6. You are such a strong person Elm. Please don’t ever feel like you’re a failure or a bad blogger because you’re not, your writing is amazing! It’s important that you focus on yourself and look after yourself because I know you can get through this. If you want to talk then I’m only a message away ❤ xx

  7. Oh, Elm… I hope you know you can talk to me. I know it isn’t easy. I understand. Trust me, I do. If there’s anything I can help with, please just let me know. I’ll be here if you need a shoulder or a hand or a hug… I’m always just a message or a call away. I don’t care if it’s 1 A.m and I have school the next day… I hate seeing people unhappy, especially if they’re people I call friends. I’m sending as many good vibes and hugs as I can your way.

  8. I don’t want to be patronizing or anything by saying how sorry I am, or how I am thinking of you in this hard time, cuz it just doesn’t help. Life’s just a bitch sometimes though. Nobody is going to mind if you can’t write, come back properly when your good and ready xx ❤

  9. You are a brave and beautiful soul with an immense heart and incredible talent. I hate that you are struggling, but I read so much courage and strength in this post. You are allowing yourself to feel and express your feelings and that is where the healing begins. When you are ready, allow writing to be your savior; write for yourself with no expectations. I know that you will get through this. Sending strength and healing thoughts to you across the ocean.

  10. Ughh I HATE that you’re having such a bad time right now. I really do hope that you feel better soon Elm. I love how you keep it real with us and tell us the truth, instead of masking how you feel. If you wanna take time off then feel free, but I’ll be here waiting for you to come back❤️

  11. I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time lately. You and your mental health are the most important things so don’t be afraid to take some you time to focus on how you feel and improving that. I hope you know that you have many people around you that you can talk to. If you ever want to talk to someone you don’t know please feel free to message me x

  12. Its sad to hear that you have been feeling this way. It sucks when you fall into those moods of feeling numb and disconnected. Just keep moving forward and it should pass eventually.

  13. Oh gosh Elm, I’m soo sorry. I feel terrible. I honestly thought for a while if you got sick and bored of me or something and that’s why you weren’t active at all. I feel so baadd. I LOVE YOU GIRL. Don’t worry, alright? Ask yourself – how longg can this happen? It’s one and ONLY what YOU think. If you think things are going to be great, they WILL be. I promise.

    I’m not going to tell you that you’re one of the most amazing people I know, although it’s entirely true. You are an inspiration. But for now, all I’m going to ask you is to breathe. Will you? Forget about everything for a while and turn on the music.
    Stay strong. ❤xx

    • Honestly you’re amazing and I couldn’t ask for a better friend. In no way have I will I ever get sick of you! You brighten up my day every time you speak to me 🙂 I’m so so sorry that I haven’t been active; I’m going to do my best but I can’t promise huge levels of activity. Never forget that I admire you and that you are one of my favourite people simply because you tell me what I need to hear and you encourage me at the same time. You’re truly fantastic XX

      • That’s soo damn lovely of you to say that. ❤❤ And that’s okay. Don’t force yourself to do anything. Just do it how exacttlyy you want to do.
        And thaankss Elm, your words brighten me up infintely. Honest. ❤❤
        So how are you? Can we skype please if you have time? Thanks! 😁
        Xx

      • Oh bother. I have a hugee series of tests starting from Monday. I’m so sorry. 😔
        Maybe the upcoming weekend, like Saturday? Are you free then? 😁
        And YESS me too. I’m looking forward to it!! Xxx❤

      • Hello Elm. I’m sorry I couldn’t. Things suddenly are too terrible right now. I lost another friend. God can you believe that? I’m feeling simply baaad, and dried on tears. No one knows why it’s happening, but it’s something I’ve never experienced before.
        Will you be available tomorrow??
        Xxxx

      • Shit, I’m so so sorry. I’ve been really out of action for the last few days and could only put the post up i did because i scheduled it. Hang on, let me message you on skype xxx

  14. elm,
    stay strong, life gets tough! in my latest post, i talked about happiness and bliss! check it out, there’s tips in there that i think you’ll love. keep writing and expressing yourself, never stop! we need people like you in this world. 🙂 -a.

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