A Note to a You I Knew

Sometimes, I don’t know how to talk about things. I’m doing this in the only way I can – I’m opening up, in a way, bit by bit. I’m sorry this doesn’t make much sense: it’s me expressing my thoughts after months of not understanding how. A little unpolished, wild and confusing, it’s basically me.

There’s a certain freedom in talking in circles, using flowery language to get my point across and in spinning around a point but never stating it plainly. However, doing that too much makes me feel trapped. When it comes to you, I’ve spun around too many points and I’m dizzy and lost and here I go again, using metaphors. I’ll state it as plainly as I possibly can. 1. This ‘note’ is to someone I don’t know how to talk about; 2. If they read this, they’ll forever think me tragic and 3. I care far too much about that.

I wrote this ‘note’ in pieces, paragraph by paragraph coming at different times. That’s kind of what happened when I processed that things wouldn’t ever be the same, when I admitted that I fucked up a tiny bit and also when I realised that there was no closure to be had with this. I waited for closure, holding on and on and my heart broke so hard that I couldn’t even think about it. When I realised I wouldn’t get to talk, that I’d essentially taped my own mouth shut, that you’d given me the tape and other people had held it there, I kind of collapsed. I only have the energy to be so desperately unhappy about it that all I can do is laugh.

On a train once, I thought about you and my heart thumped because I couldn’t wait to see you and to just talk. It made me smile. The last time I said “I love you” to a friend, my mind screeched back to the time I said it to you. I remember the laughter and the drifting away and the loneliness when I said the words, “All I want is for him to be happy and if he is, I will be too.” and “You are a very lucky person, you know.” Oh, and “Your happiness comes first, remember?” I wish I had been lying when I said all that and god knows if you even know I said those words.

It’s ridiculous how much it hurts. I sit alone and wonder why the hell I approached things how I did; then I wonder how you could do what you did and I realise that you had no idea what you did, then. Is it because I didn’t tell you? Probably. Is it because you wanted your own happiness and I dragged you back from that with my sad hopes? I don’t blame you for that because I should have done the same. I didn’t tell you what I felt when I should have; I didn’t present my tears and terror in the way I wanted and I broke down on someone that wasn’t you. I broke down on someone who held me and understood’ instinctively, what I needed and understood that when I couldn’t speak, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. It was because I didn’t know how.

I seem to mess things up a lot now. I talk to people too much, send messages when most likely, people you know are whispering and laughing about me and telling you you’re better off without that stupid bitch. Would they be right? Is my self-esteem so low that I’d consider myself an obsessive, clingy, awful person? I think about how I am when I act myself, like with you and the people I’m as close to as I was to you and I laugh because it’s so different to how I feel at this present moment.

“No wonder they don’t care about you any more because you have no sense of who you are,” I tell myself. Then I flinch because I don’t know if it’s just me being paranoid. I run after feelings, desperately searching for happiness and it usually ends with me shoving my own happiness to the back of my head because if I took the chance, I’d be selfish. It’s little wonder that I break down and push my identity so far away to try, and fail, to help others. It’s not healthy and the times I’m happy are the times I help others whilst also being secure in who I am. With no closure, no nothing, I haven’t been able to do that.

People have said that I get and got too involved, that I did something to try and prevent everything from turning out how it was. Yes, I got too involved and I shredded my heart like it was easy. What else could I do but try and when the trying failed, I forced myself to get rid of bitterness. I questioned why I hadn’t been open, why I hadn’t said anything and if I had, I would have been happier. But if I had done something to stop it, it wouldn’t just be me that was unhappy and if you know a single thing about me, you know that I try to put people’s happiness above my own as a form of coping. When I don’t know how to do that and I break because of it, I self-destruct.

I’ve tried to shut it out. I’ve tried to stop myself from wincing every single time I say the words “I love you”, even as a joke. I’ve tried so fucking hard to not care, to become unfeeling, to just accept that this is how it is and that I lost out. Sadly, I can’t. Not yet. I’ll get there, sometime, and that’s what I hold onto.

If you’d like me to be honest, I’ll say that I don’t know how to fix this and that in even speaking about you, I’m misjudging who you are. I don’t know what you think of me; I don’t know what I think of myself; I don’t know how to not break whenever I think about you and about how much you cared for me. I’ll have to face it one day but now? Sorting through all the memories, all the confused emotions and “why’s” and “Is it my fault?”s is too much. It doesn’t stop how I feel, though. You can shut a box but you can’t get rid of what’s inside the box if you can’t open it.

If you’re thinking, “This is disjointed,” you’d be right. I didn’t plan this. Every single thought I express right now is one I want to say to you, in huge detail, on and on until you get sick of me and tell me you hate me. If you think, “She’s got no answers,” you’d also be right because there are 1000 questions going round my head and only one answer. That answer is simple: “I don’t know.”

I’m still here, heart still beating, still feeling and living and breathing. I’m the same Elm, like you were the same you. I lie to protect myself sometimes and when people are unhappy, I rush to help others without considering that they might want to help me too. I can no longer think of a city without thinking of dances and heartbreak, gripping a hand so hard it hurt and sitting on the stairs, alone, because I didn’t know what to do.

You won’t read a word of this and if you do, I want you to remember that I’m not angry. In any of it, I was never angry. I was just hurt because I feel as if I have no identity and no way of expressing any of my feelings. I feel as if the ability to speak my mind has been taken away from me in this situation, which has made my ability to speak about anything difficult.

There’s no one to help me reconnect to you but you. I think I’ll just have to help myself.

Love from Elm 🙂

20 thoughts on “A Note to a You I Knew

  1. I’m glad you wrote it out, no matter if it’s “disjointed” or not in order. They’re feelings and that’s how they’re going to be.
    I hope you feel better about everything soon 💙 you can definitely help yourself, and we’re all here supporting you *hugs*

    • I know 🙂 that means so much. I must remember that people like you are here and that they do care, more than I can understand. I have to help myself by giving myself time to recover xx

    • I’ll try my best – I know you’re always here and I appreciate you so much but sometimes my brain takes a while to remember that people actually care. You’ve always helped me in the past and been such a supportive and great person so I promise you I’ll always be thankful to you for that xx

  2. thank you so much for sharing 🙂 pls know that I’m always here Elm 🙂 remember: before helping others, you must help yourself. and NO Elm, you are nowhere near obsessive, clingy, and awful; never think that way. and there is nothing wrong with having low self esteem; its a normal part of growth. u have nothing to be ashamed of, hon. *virtual hug* I’m always here ❤ xx

    • *huge virtual hug* You are such an encouraging person. I so often forget `I’m important and I push all these negative thoughts into myself when I don’t deserve them. Thank you for making me see that I’m not awful and for helping me realise that people want to help me. I may forget sometimes but this is why I come back to these comments, because people like you remind me. Thank you so much again – if you ever need any help with anyting, I’m here whenever you need xx

  3. I know it’s hard sometimes but sometimes it’s important to help yourself before helping others. I’m the same, I always tend to put other people before myself and convincing myself that I don’t need the help they’re offering but we need to remember that it’s a two way thing, you can help other but they can also help you. Don’t ever think that you’re an awful person because you’re not, you’re amazing and your writing is amazing too. Everything you write about is so relatable and I’m sure it’s helping thousands of people. Always here ❤ xx

    • Ohh Elin, thank you so much. You are honestly so supportive and I kind of want to cry because I forget that people genuinely like me sometimes. What I’m surrounded by such negative thoughts, it’s difficult to remember I am worth something but you writing that really helped. I can’t thank you enough 🙂 xxx

    • Thank you 🙂 that means a lot. I miss talking to you 🙂 I’ll reply to your message in a sec, once I’ve finished replying to comments. Thanks for being so fab 🙂

  4. I love reading your writing. It’s like I’m reading your words and the thoughts are similar to what I think, thank you for sharing your feelings. Hope you’re alright, and if you need anyone to talk to, I’m here 🙂

    • Thank you 🙂 I’m okay, just dealing with a lot of suppressed emotion at the moment and I don’t quite know how to get it out. Thank you though – I’m glad that I let you feel not alone in how you’ve been feeling. If there’s ever anything I can do to help, let me know! Xx

    • I hope I am, and that it gets better. Thank you so much for helping me always; I really appreciate it. If you ever need support for anything, I’m here 🙂

  5. This really got me…

    “…you know that I try to put
    people’s happiness above my own as a form of coping.”

    😿😿.. ❤️❤️❤️

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