As you can tell by the title, something pretty amazing happened a few days ago. Really, I’m still in shock that it actually happened. You won’t understand how confusing the title is to me until I explain a bit about my mother, so here we go.
My mum can be a very suspicious woman. She regularly tells me about the dangers of talking to people online or going online in the first place and in the past, I’ve had to make up stories about where exactly I’ve met some of my friends. When I’ve brought up online things in the past, she’s shut me down and not only that but she’s extremely, extremely over-protective of me because I’m visually impaired. Partly because of how she treats me, I’m not very open to telling her anything whatsoever. However, I appear to have not given her enough credit.
Two days ago, the morning after she and I had had one of our biggest arguments in which bad mental health only made an appearance to myself, I was sitting at the kitchen table. I’d been internalising a lot of horrific stuff the night before but that morning, I wasn’t so agitated and I was thinking about how far my writing style had come compared to how it was before. Calmly eating, pondering her apology to me an hour before and also the state of my blog, something wild snapped in my mind. “Oh fuck it,” were my actual thoughts. Whenever I think like that, I either a) Do something very stupid, b) Make a spontaneous decision that turns out really well or c) Decide I don’t have anything to lose. I’m not entirely sure which one I did that day.
“Mum, can I tell you something?” There. Those words were out in the open and as you know, following those words always comes a ‘big’ announcement. I stopped what I was doing and focused my entire attention on saying it – I couldn’t tell you why I picked then to explain, or why I even told her.
“Sure,” she said. I was absolutely terrified for a split second before it all went blank. This was huge for me and I hadn’t even thought about it??!! What was I doing?!
So, I told her. I said I had a blog, that my sister knew because she had a blog for her art but that I never showed anyone mine, that I’d been doing it for over two and a half years. She didn’t speak throughout my explanation and I spoke in the most matter-of-fact way ever. I was so incredibly casual about it that I don’t quite think she understood how huge it was for me.
“…And I wanted to tell you because it’s a really big part of my life so yeah,” I finished. It didn’t feel like a weight had been lifted off because telling her had never worried me. Telling her about this blog was never something that had even gone into the realms of possibility.
Her response? “Well done.” Nothing else. She asked me no questions; she didn’t ask anything apart from what I wrote about. I told her the truth: that I screamed about my boring as fuck life and that a few people read it. I didn’t tell her how happy it made me and that writing connected me to myself in a way that I’d missed. I didn’t tell her how much support people reading this give me and how much I love them for it. That’ll come later – or maybe never.
Sorry, can I just – WHAT??? I told my mother??? Someone who doesn’t know exactly how I met some of the closest friends I could ever have?
I still can’t believe I did that. My mother – the person who constantly worries about where I am, what I’m doing – was completely fine with my blog?? Of course, I haven’t told her that I’ve met people from online, or just how closely connected I am to the ‘blogosphere’ because I think I should leave that until she’s more used to the idea. The fact is, I’ve revealed a massive part of my life to the parent I least expected to be fine with it.
This has shown me not to judge people too harshly. Sometimes, opening up isn’t the best idea but other times, it can really make things easier. I don’t think I could have done this a year ago and maybe it was a mistake because I know she doesn’t understand it but you know what? I’ll give her time. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Now that both my parents know, I don’t know how to feel. I suppose it’s nice that they know – or rather, BLOODY CONFUSING because I thought I was a complete whimp – but I’m still 100% going to keep the anonymity. Being able to express myself in the limited way I can (because people from real life read this a bit) is so much better than not being able to express myself at all.
Thank you so much to everyone that’s supported me the last few days. It hasn’t been easy because I’ve been feeling really down, more so than usual, but I’m trying my best to take a break from things that stress me. Blogging gives me a purpose and telling my mum connected me back to that purpose.
Have you told your parents about your blog? Would you? I never thought I would until I did and sometimes, their reactions are surprising. Don’t pressure yourself into anything and only tell people if you feel like you want to because this is your space.
Love from Elm 🙂