Is This All I’ll Ever Be?

I have a tendency to hide my upset behind a mask of being fine, to shut it all down in the hopes that no one will ever ask me if I’m truly okay with things. It forces me to make myself believe that if I’m not okay with things, I’m obviously a terrible person; I’ve been through the same old shit, over and over, because I don’t know how to deal with it otherwise. So here’s me, shouting my low self-worth and momentary hopelessness onto a screen. My last post has made me realise that if I want to love and be able to cry without feeling guilty, I need to start feeling unapologetic for having feelings like this.

Is this all I’ll ever be? Smiling, papering on a grin so that it can’t hurt any more. Setting myself up for disappointment so that I can’t get burned, when really , all I want to do is hope. In my head, hope makes me dangerous; hope makes me want things and `I have so little faith in myself that I don’t believe I should get what I want.

It’s exhausting to keep forcing myself to be okay with being pushed aside. It’s tiring to have to carry on as normal, when my grades are slipping, cracks starting to show and no one really knows the reason why. I pretend, because the real reason is linked to how much I hate myself and how much I hate letting myself never have anything. I let my happiness fall to the side because others’ feelings are more important and then, I end up miserable despite my best efforts to be fine. it seems pathetic. People should get on with their lives and I should be okay with that, when all I want to do is yell and tell them what’s happening in my head. “Deal with it,” they’d say, move on, and there I’d be – silent again because I didn’t push back hard enough.

Do people know how much it hurts? No, because I haven’t showed them; no, because I’ve brushed it all off and it’s only in my mind that the unfair screaming starts, curled in a little ball, shaking and wondering when the fuck this cycle will end. They can’t see past the lies I tell because with this, I’ve guarded it so much that no one can tell – apart from now – how the feelings from 7 and 2 and 1 year ago, from the times I was passive, still tear me apart. I can’t let myself break because of this, I say, breaking.

Is all I’ll ever be the person who’s the extra, never the person who stands centre-stage? Why do I never feel good enough, strong enough, happy enough? It feels as if I’m searching and searching, trying so hard and the only way I can help myself is to post ambiguous posts on this blog that no one can understand. I don’t know how to talk about anything anymore because it’ll all come pouring out; people may think I’m a petulant child. I have such faith in my readers, you guys, who have helped me and listened to years of this shit. But I’m still afraid.

I want to be honest with you. I’m scared of getting hurt so I don’t let myself get upset, outwardly, by people. Inwardly, it’s basically the representation of this post – jumbled, directionless, confused and with nowhere to go. To talk about things is so difficult when the people you can turn to may not have time for you and couldn’t do anything and the people you want to turn to don’t care. Unlike before, nothing is working and I feel locked, sometimes, in a pit of my own making. I don’t know how to get out.

In short, I have too many feelings. I feel afraid when I get a message that I know will upset me. Before I talk to people, before I do anything, I have to prepare myself to shield against outward displays of sadness. It’s got to the point where I have so little faith in my abilities that inside my head is an unhappiness that’s only lifted when I remember my worth. On my face, you don’t see the extent of it. In my words, you can’t see it because I’m good at showing half the truth – just enough for people to be satisfied with my ‘honesty’ – and then fear makes me hide the rest. If I told people how bad I feel about things that have happened, they might run away and not understand. I know I should give a chance to those that love me but my head’s so muddled that I don’t know where to start.

Without being fake, I want to finish this post off with a reminder to you and myself. You dont have to pretend all the time. You don’t have to shove a smile into your mind and hope it sticks because in your head, it doesn’t always stay. I don’t like being the one that takes the shit and never retaliates back but at the end of the day, I don’t know how to stop doing that because I’ve spent so long in that mindset. However, this comes gradually and I know that eventually, it won’t hurt as much. Maybe I’ll feel like I’m worth more than the one you go to when you’re desperate, when you have no options left or the one who you only think about when with me.

Do any of you feel like this too?

I’m sorry for all this negativity. Sometimes, you need to write and write and get things out, no matter how painful. This blog is an outlet and I can’t forget that.

You’re not alone in your mixed up thoughts and a wish to scream them to the world.

From Elm 🙂

33 thoughts on “Is This All I’ll Ever Be?

  1. don’t hide your feelings even if those around you make you feel like you should or if you don’t wanna ruin their happiness or whatever !
    i’m like a fairly new reader but i think it’s really good that your letting out your feelings on your blog !x

  2. Yeah, I get this. Like I really get it. I have to move on from the feelings I feel/felt but I’m still in that mindset but people are telling me that I should get on with it and plaster it all for someone else’s happiness but I’ve done that for so long and I feel so rubbish about it. And, yeah I get this blog post. It really spoke to me even if I interpreted it the wrong way but that’s how I saw it but yeah, we should just speak our minds and be like nah I’m not okay with this, instead of just letting people trod up with their wants and their happiness but ruining ours the same time. Anyways, this comment probably doesn’t make sense but yeah, Elm you always make sense in my head and don’t worry about writing posts that are emotionally sad because it’s your blog and you can do what you want on it and readers like me love it!

    • Astrid, you’re one of the main people who encourages me by your comments to keep going. I could tell that the comment you wrote, which did make sense to me, came straight from your heart and no way should you ever let people trample over your happiness just to let them be happy. It’s not fair on any of us and we shouldn’t keep on having to be strong, having to shove ourselves right into the background, just to let other people push themselves to the foreground. We need to stand up and scream but it’s not fair and we’re not selfish for doing that! Sorry, I got quite impassioned there. Thank you for always writing thoughtful comments xx

  3. It’s still a good thing that you know what you really like doing. I, on the other hand, really don’t have any idea what I really want because I always change my mind on the last minutes. It’s okay to hide them sometimes but of course, if you can’t do it anymore, let go. Do what you really love doing. Do not hide even the pain. Pain demands to be felt. It’s not a sin to show them to others.

    • God, that’s so true, and I forget how much. I just want to yell my thoughts to the world and I’m sick of holding myself back for fear of people’s reactions. These are OUR thoughts, no one else’s. Thank you for this and don’t be afraid to express yourself.

  4. I get you and I really empathise. I pretend to be okay a LOT even when I am super not okay. It’s diffiuclt (and I’m definitely not the best at it) but you are allowed to be sad when you feel sad! Even though it sucks you can feel what you have to feel. ❤ And no worries about being negative because it's useful to let it out sometimes.

    • Ahhh, that’s so true. I have to remember that my emotions are totally valid and okay to express. Thank you,Eve – I’m always here to talk if you need xx

  5. I think the most important thing is to have an element of dependency on yourself. Yes, other people do matter, but the people that you’re feeling you need to cover up in front of are most likely not the ones benefiting you any more. And if something is unbalanced like that, you probably don’t need it. Have an inner confidence, you’ve got this lovely, honestly, you have. Make sure to be open with the ones who make you feel like you’re able to be vulnerable with them 🧡

    • Ahh, I’ll do my best. It’s hard to gauge who I can be open with and who I can’t; I don’t want to be locked in a loop of not being able to talk. Thank you for your kind words xxx

  6. I often feel like this too. It feels like there’s nothing you can do, but just the courage you have to post something like this on your blog, I know you’ll find a way. You’ll find a way to burst out of that negative bubble and finally be able to do something about it. I haven’t known you or your blog for long, but I already know you’re brave and you’ll get through it. ❤ ❤

    • That means so much to me because I’ve noticed and seriously appreciated your support recently 🙂 you’ve just been such a friendly person to comment thought-provoking and encouraging things like this. I hope that I can break out of this: I hate feeling this low xx

  7. I feel like this all the time, always putting on a fake smile and pretending I’m okay but I’m not. I moved away from home to live with my partner and I have no one here. No new friends and my family isn’t close by so I feel alone. As horrible as this Sounds, I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this. I think when we feel like this we feel alone and I’m glad that I know there is someone else out there. I hope this cycle ends for you as much as it ends for me ❤

    • It doesn’t soudn horrible at all – in fact, it sounds utterly natural. It’s what brings me comfort, just knowing I’m not alone and that when I DO feel lonely, people in the online world can talk it through with me. I hope you’re okay and I know I may not know you but if you ever want to talk, my email’s – thank you for sharing your thoughts here and I really do hope things pick up xx

      • Thank you 😄 your words really are comforting and blogging has honestly helped me so much already! Thank you for your email, I will certainly email if I need advice or someone to talk to ❤

  8. I think that feelings will go when you are ready to let it go. You just have to stay strong because you are not you without those feelings and it makes you the person that you are today. I love your posts btw, they are so relatable and it’s like you write what’s on my mind. I hope things will get better and you shouldn’t worry much about stuff ( ever though it’s not that easy to do ) but you just have to accept how you feel if that is how you feel. Sometimes you have to let all your negativity and anger show to get rid of it. Xxx

    • Godd yess that’s so accurate. It’s so hard to show all of it, though I know it’s necessary to do it to deal with it if it makes sense. Thank you so much for you comment and I’m glad you like my work! Xxx

  9. Did you just read my mind?? Im your twin haha. I guess with a heap of other people too.
    My friend’s do not get mental health. It’s so good to read and know that there are people out there who we can sympathise with and support!! x

    • Ahh yess precisely!! 🙂 thank you for that; I’m glad I could help you a little bit and I’m so sorry that your friends don’t get it 😦 xx

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