Being Open and Other Emotions

As I start writing this, I’m listening to music far too loudly; I’m singing along in a mumbled kind of way and I suppose, for now, I’m content for a little slice of time. Not happy but closer to it than I’ve been for a good few weeks.

Yesterday, in counselling, I was the most honest I’d ever been. In no uncertain terms, I told my counsellor how worthless I felt, how unworthy of anything I thought I was and how, no matter how many people tell me a list of qualities I have, my brain just doesn’t believe them even if I know it’s a little bit true. It’s a complicated issue that has been inside my head for as long as I can remember.

My friends are amazing and I know that what they say is true to them but I get absolutely incredulous when I even think “Oh, you are a good person then?” because my brain refuses to think about the possibility of letting myself fly because I’m terrified of disappointment. As my counsellor said, I keep myself down so that I don’t get disappointed by myself and it’s a fucking horrible way to think and live but it’s what I feel pretty much constantly. As you can tell, I get exhausted by it.

It hurt so much to talk about. Unlike with situations that have happened to me, there isn’t a direct cause to this. It has come about as a result of years of thinking I’m awful and I can’t just change that in a summer or a few months. I need myself and others to understand that this is not simple – I got the closest to breaking down in that session than I have before because it made me feel wretched as fuck and hopeless, too. In counselling, it’s rare that I get really, directly upset about something and show that externally, as I spoke about me and others being unable to understand because I didn’t want to tell them I didn’t believe them in case they gave up on me and left. But here’s the thing: I spoke about it.

Recently, I’ve become quite closed off, keeping rigidly to the view that nothing good will happen, nothing will come of anything so what’s the point of speaking because no one cares – that kind of thing. I broke that yesterday, getting animated and visibly upset – no “blank slate”, no hiding and I lied about nothing. I talked about some of the most terrifying feelings I had, both positive and negative – the distinction being that I hated having the negative feelings but the only thing that upset me about the positive feelings were how much they could fuck me up.

An example of negative feelings that I spoke about in a number of sessions was a time, three weeks ago, when I was walking in my school before lessons started. I listed, systematically and brutally, every single reason why I thought people should hate me, why they already did and why I should hate myself more. It was vicious, almost mentally violent and afterwards, I went to the toilets and sobbed because it hurt so much to despise myself like that. Since then I’ve never got that bad but I refuse to pretend it’s all gone away and I don’t have the energy to shut it all down and fake shit.

I think i’m still recovering from how much stuff I said yesterday. I’m not used, now, to explaining things like this to someone who doesn’t assume my feelings or dismiss them. At the end of the session, I said to her – when she asked – that I knew what I’d done, how open I’d been and that it was something to be proud of but still, I wasn’t letting myself be proud of me because I couldn’t bring myself to be. That’s the best indication I can give as to how my thought processes work.

I don’t quite know where to go from here. I know this was a negative post but there are some good points to it, such as that I know i’m capable of talking. i’m not utterly without reason, hope or clarity of mind.

Currently, i’m not alright, partly because I’m becoming more aware of how I feel but also external circumstances that I’m somehow managing to blame myself for?? However, I’m a hell of a lot more okay than I have been.

When in doubt, remember that people are there to listen. You may not think they care but they will listen to you; try to give yourself a chance more than anyone else.

How easy is it for you to open up?

From Elm 🙂

28 thoughts on “Being Open and Other Emotions

  1. *high five* for taking the courageous leap and really opening up to your therapist! This is also something I generally struggle with, but something I’ve been doing more of with my own therapist. ” I’m not used, now, to explaining things like this to someone who doesn’t assume my feelings or dismiss them.” – this is because this is so unfamiliar right now. But mark my words, this is a HUGE step in the right direction.

  2. I find it so hard to open up, but lately I’ve come to the realisation that it’s really not great to be this way. Sometimes it’s okay to let some of the burden fall on others, especially when you’re always there for them – and you should let them be there for you too. So I’ve been trying to be more open lately and I feel like it’s actually been really helpful. It’s great that you’ve been opening up too. It’s always going to be difficult but it’s definitely a step in the right direction 🙂

  3. You’ve had a wild few weeks to say the least, I’m glad to hear that you’re doing a bit better. Progress is progress!! Opening up was hard but I’ve gotten better at it, I’m just hella picky about who it’s with!

  4. Dear Elm,
    I know how you feel and it’s so good to be honest. I’m leaving you a link to a post in which I shared my recent struggles to show you that you’re not alone. Everyone goes through this and everyone comes back fighting. You are strong, you are talented and you HAVE to move on from this. Dwelling on it will do you no good. For your own sake, yes, share your insecurities, gather support and use it to build yourself back up again. You can do this. I KNOW you can. All the best with it. I’m always here to talk if you ever feel like it. XXX

  5. I find it sooo hard to open up to people. I just can’t! But I am honestly so happy you opened up a little because even though I don’t, I know it makes things easier xxx

  6. I don’t particularly like opening up to other people. I’m always so lost in my own crazy thoughts and I worry so much about who I am as a person and the stupid things that I do. I don’t want to share that part of myself with other people because I’d rather they would see me as calm and collected han, smart han, over-achiever han, than the han who cries after brutal classes, who struggles with doing her homework every day, who isn’t the most perfect person.

    I feel more open nowadays though because I’ve discovered a beautiful friend group that I can trust and I feel more comfortable with my purpose in life and who I am as a person. I still dislike talking about myself though…my mental state is always on the most insane roller-coaster…

    • Ohh wow, I get this so much. Especially struggling to do homework. It feels like sometimes, people forget that we can break too.

      I’m SO happy that you’ve found amazing friends! I’m so thankful for mine too; they make me so happy! Opening up is good but only if we feel comfortable. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment xx

  7. It’s so hard for me to open up, and even though I know that I have so many people around me who can help me, I still hesitate. I know you are strong and talented and no matter what you do, people will support you. I might not know you well but I’m still proud of you ❤

  8. I’m really, happy, that I found this blog. The way that you are so honest and real to your readers makes me marvel you.
    I hope I can cheer you up, but if not, always,
    Take care – Erin xx

    • Ohh, that means so much to me 🙂 Thank you. Knowing that you love my blog makes me smile. If you ever need anything, I’m here xx

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