Too Lonely for Poetry

There are things I know I like to do. One is to write creatively, another is to act, another is to have constant personality crises and shout about them on the Internet. Actually, I don’t really like doing that last one but it’s part of my writing and existence and is, occasionally, what keeps me functioning.

Sometimes, I combine all three of these things. I act on the Internet, pretending everything’s fine – or that I can adequately write poetically about my crises and feelings. Most times I can manage but what’s harder to admit is that sometimes it feels like a facade. I want to get rid of that paper lantern and show you what I’m like when I just don’t know. Too often, I find myself harnessing an articulation I don’t feel, to spin sentences out of silk that just isn’t there. See? I’m doing it right now.

When it comes to love or a step away from it, I have too many feelings to process and unpick. I don’t know how to handle any of them. It’s got to the point where it’s impossible for me to talk about them on this blog because I’m desperately scared of sounding immature and also because I’m irrationally paranoid people will find out who it is I talk about and ridicule me forever. In counselling, I attempt to get this out but it doesn’t always work, as I’m still yet to understand how I should approach this.

On one hand, I know what I want to do about my feelings. I know I’m fine with having them – but what are these feelings? How deep do they actually run? What worries me is that I’ll do my usual thing: run away because I convince myself that no one cares and then deprive my own heart of anything that remotely resembles a positive experience. Finally, I thought I was getting somewhere with showing myself I was able to deal with any potential fallout that might happen but, well, no.

Not that there’s a hope in hell of any of my feelings ever being returned, of course. It’s a given now; I’ve lost all hope of ever, genuinely, being what someone would look for. I know I shouldn’t base my worth on what people think but it feels ridiculous to me that anyone could “love” me’ least of all want to tell me that. I keep trying and trying and trying to be strong and secure in my own mind but it’s difficult when I can feel blocked from talking out of fear.

How can I get across the panic I feel at me fucking up again? I don’t know. The best I can do is to tell you I’m scared I’ll be the one to make things too serious, too weird, and then that I’ll show my paranoia and emotions to someone and they’ll just go. I have such a low opinion of myself; I have such deep-rooted and unprocessed issues and the most recent people I’ve had feelings for wouldn’t cope with that. Would they? I don’t know. I don’t like taking chances because when I do, it seems I take the wrong ones.

This was too rambling. This wasn’t detailed enough: I wish I could do an analysis of my own mind. If I’d talked about everything from day 1, not hidden my thoughts from myself, it might be easier. In this post, I’m barely a writer but I’m an actor – I’m still holding it together, surprisingly. My structure and grammar hasn’t gone totally out of the window. I’m still pretending, just that little bit, when I shouldn’t. Blogging is where I can be as honest as I’ll ever be and I can’t forget that.

Maybe I should let things be but I’ve let things be for so long that I’m restless. In a weird way, I want to be proactive. It hurts that I can’t express any feelings openly and one of the only people who could help me with that would never read this.

I feel adrift in a jumble of useless words that mean nothing. I feel powerless and hopeless, unable to express, enclosed and trapped. Fear clenches in my stomach; I constantly have this tightness in my throat because I’ve been here before and it didn’t end well.

The worst thing? I can’t even be honest with myself.

I know exactly how I feel right now. I know how frightening that is. I also know that there’s nothing I can do to stop it and that I need to wait it out until I figure out a way to reconcile myself with it.

Do you ever feel this lonely, too? Do you ever want to ask for help in figuring out your mind but you don’t even know where to start?

From Elm 🙂

19 thoughts on “Too Lonely for Poetry

  1. OMGGG I RELATE TO THIS 10000000000% !!!!!! Its just such a scary and lonely world, you don’t know who to trust or who’s gonna end up criticising you😒.
    Loved this post a lot x

  2. Im right there with you! Loneliness is impossibly hard but its important to have those in your life that will always believe in you no matter what. Cling to that!

      • I do too! I honestly don’t know what I would do without them but I understand being overwhelmed too. And then you don’t wanna be a burden to your friends all the time or to lose them by always being anxious or negative and it’s really tough. Writing it out is a great way to get your feelings out and you’re so great at it!

  3. I do feel this lonely and yes I do want to ask for help yet I do not know where to start. But one thing I’m not trying to lose is hope, and you shouldn’t too, Elm.
    Be hopeful, be strong. ❤️

  4. Elm, what I would say is that you seem really self-aware. And through your writing and counselling, you’re proactively working on these things. You know that deep-rooted stuff won’t change overnight, but it’s a process, and you’re moving forward. Feelings are a weird thing. I’m working on them – and expressing them – myself. The vulnerability scares the sh*t out of me. But I’m just trying to gently be more open, little by little, with people I feel comfortable with. For example, I’ve recently told a couple of people that I actually have an anonymous blog, and that I’m writing a short story. That’s a fairly big deal for me, as I prefer people not knowing what I’m up to – and I now think next time they’ll see me they’ll ask how it’s going and I’ll have to have made progress or I’ll have failed and be judged, etc. Small steps ✨

    • This is so great to hear; I’m really glad you’re opening up! I know how it feels, regarding the expectations of progress – it stresses me out.

      Thanks for this. Small steps are the best and I hope I can illustrate, through my writing, that I’m managing to be aware of my issues whilst simultaneously working on them. It means a lot that you read this so thoroughly and were so thoughtful!

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