In Which I Met a Girl

Hello,
I bring to you, my most likely exasperated readers, the first proper Elm-love-life-update in, probably, a year. It’s the start of one. It’s the feelings. It’s the freedom I haven’t had in ages because for once, the person I’ll be talking about won’t be reading this. I need to talk about it so I don’t forget that I’m capable of this kind of feeling, writing, again.

Today, I met a girl. I’ll call her Pearl for the purposes of this blog because I want to give her a name at least connected to nature. We started speaking about a week and a half ago, online; even saying that makes me feel like people are judging me because it was on a dating app. I signed up to it because I’ve been feeling really uncomfortable with some internalised, unpleasant thoughts about my sexuality because of what people have said to me before (a post on that to come!). However, I didn’t start speaking to her as a way to “prove” something to myself. I started speaking to her because she was interesting, funny; because the first conversation we had included reasons why certain types of boxes were great; because I dn’t have to tone myself down like I have to do with some other people.

Every single day since then, we’ve spoken, as if we’ve known each other for ages. When she told me she liked YA novels, I shrieked out loud. When I fangirled about Simon vs., Autoboyography and books in general, I messaged her. Most of our fangirling conversations include all capitals and I don’t feel like I’c being annoying. My insecurities aren’t gone when I speak to her but they aren’t all-consouming and don’t make me want to shut down.

It wasn’t until earlier this week that I talked about meeting. Usually, I’m more cautious than this: I wait for a while before meeting people from online and often get terrified beforehand. With her, I suggested it, convinced she’d say no. We’d exchanged numbers a few days before and in my typical fashion, I said it in the cringiest way possible (including the fact that I was cringing in my message). When I asked if she wanted to meet, instead of ignoring me, she replied with “OMG YESS” and I was so happy that this was going well that I laughed. I’m not used to this, as you can tell. Then, I was done with being too cautious. I didn’t even pretend to not be apprehensive: I was nervous but not scared. I wanted to meet her because my disability wasn’t a talking point for her, because my talk of my family and endless wailing about things I loved didn’t put her off. She didn’t dismiss me or make me feel small.

When I talked to Wren about it, the only one who knew about it properly before it happened apart from my dad (for safety, just in case), I spoke about it in the most carefree way. I got taken over by this feeling that seemed foreign only because I hadn’t experienced it for a long time. It was anticipation. I was doing something I wanted to do, casually and without a massive fanfair, but it was still important. Pearl and I spoke on the phone and our planning turned into a conversation diversion about friends, our inability to plan and then finally some concrete ideas about when, where and how.

This morning, still tired from going out to London yesterday, I did a bit of creative “lying” to my mum. As she wouldn’t be okay with me seeing anyone I met online, least of all a girl, I told her I was meeting Ivy who you can read about here. I’d been texting Pearl all this time, figuring out which bus she was arriving in on so that I went to the right place. In the car journey on the way there, I kept smiling widely, to the point where my mum got suspicious and asked, “Are you meeting your secret boyfriend?” I burst out laughing, couldn’t stop and then told her that was bullshit.

When Pearl eventually found me, after my mum left, we hugged and I probably acted painfully weirdly. It was so natural from the start of it; we both already knew we were shit at making decisions and so our first stop was Costa. We stayed in there for an hour and a half, talking constantly about instruments, books, relationships and only remembering to order something when we were asked by someone who was most likely getting irritated by our chatter and me occasionally raising my voice to more than a conversational murmur. By the time we got out, it was gone 12 and because the weather was lovely, we decided to go to the nearby park.

Walking along the path in the quiet with her, whilst the sun shone on the right side of my face, felt so open. It was then we spoke about our childhoods and how cringey we were, regailing each other with stories that made me laugh so loudly that I’m sure it reverberated around the place we were standing. I never usually go out anywhere with people like that, mainly because I only have 3 friends who live near me who I’d be comfortable just wandering around with. This felt different: it felt relaxed.

It continued like this for the whole day, through lunch and when she came to my house. We sat on beanbags as she showed me videos of her when she was younger and I cried with laughter; she saw my infamous ornament shelf in my room and far too soon, it was quarter to five and we’d lost track of time. I remember thinking that I didn’t want the day to end because I’d felt absolutely comfortable, not like I was pretending to be funny or happy or anything. It felt right and when we hugged goodbye and she said we had to see each other again because this day was nice, I echoed it back to her and told her I’d had a great day. We’d spent the time talking about our lives and there wasn’t a second of our conversations that I wish I hadn’t said.

It’s safe to say I “like” her, in a way. I’m trying to not rush headlong into these feelings, or the beginnings of them, because that’s got me nowhere before. However, what’s so wrong with having them? Why is it that I’m holding myself back? It’s a fear of judgement, which I didn’t feel today. The day wasn’t romantic; we didn’t kiss, we didn’t hold hands; I certainly didn’t act more strangely than I usually do.

I thought I wasn’t able to do this anymore. To breathe and live, like I was worth something more than the twisted version of myself that appears inside my thoughts. I didn’t even have to try. I don’t have “feelings” for her but I might be on my way there and I know it sounds ridiculous, after a week and a half, but I need to cut myself some slack. It’s okay to have non life-altering, non earth-shattering feelings. It’s okay to be happy with that. It’s okay that the consequences, however scary they might be, won’t upset me as much as the last few times.

I’m okay and I’ve had an amazing day. I miss her and I know she didn’t feel the depth of emotion I felt today but I’m really glad that she wanted to spend time with me, genuinely, because she thinks I’m not boring or dull or any of the adjectives I describe myself to be. She’s not on a pedestal for me: she’s a person who makes me smile in a way that I thought was lost.

To the majority of my friends, this is completely new as I didn’t mention this before, at all. However, I’ve come to realise I’m now incredibly uncomfortable when talking about anything to do with my “love life”. I feel terrible that I didn’t talk about it before but I don’t know how to anymore; I don’t trust like I used to and that makes me feel guilty. I can’t let this ruin my day, though.

I’m not too bothered if people judge me for how I met her because I can live my life and I want to make the most of this time. What’s so wrong about that?

From Elm πŸ™‚

46 thoughts on “In Which I Met a Girl

  1. ELM OMG!!!! reading this makes me so happy for you hahaha…

    i’m so glad everything went so well that’s incredible ❀ it's so good when you know that you can be completely comfortable talking with someone and i can't wait to hear more about how everything goes!

    (also nobody will judge you i feel like meeting on dating apps and things is becoming super common??) anyways CONGRATSSSSS

    • THANK YOU!!! Idk, I’ve been feeling so defensive and insecure about that kind of stuff even though that doesn’t make sense. But MERCI, Joce!!! xx

  2. I’m so happy for you!!!!! THIS IS SO EXCITING, It’s so great that everything was amazing and that you guys were so comfortable!

  3. O.M.G. THIS IS TOO CUUUTE!!!!! AHHH, IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!! She sounds so AMAZING, I’m so happy that she turned out to be such a great person! That day sounded so incredible and care free, I’m just so happy for you!! And of course there’s nothing wrong with how you met! I mean, obviously some people are fakes, but actually, most people are just normal people behind a screen, and a lot of adults don’t seem to get that point 😀. AHHH ELMMM I CANT WAIT TO HEAR MOREEE! πŸ’—πŸ’—

  4. Oh my gosh. I just love your posts so much! Im so happy for you to have found someone so cool! I love the feeling of being able to relate to what you’re saying on so many levels. You’re like my spirit human! Is that a thing? Kinda like spirit animal but in human form?

    • HELLOOOO SPIRIT HUMAN!! If that isn’t a thing, it is now (shhh I’ll just take over the world RGHH). Thank you so much!! I’m V glad you like my posts and I’m kind of fangirling over that?? YEE thank you!!

  5. elm, i’m so excited that you’ve found someone!!😊😊and who cares if you met them on a dating app (my parents would be like that’s a serial killer liv)

    • YESSS. I’m trying to get over my fear of judgement because it’s caused some problems and I just feel v v bad but THANK YOUUU Liv xx

  6. Hiya!
    Woah! It sounds like you had an amazing time together! I don’t know what to say – good luck or congrats or both lol!!! Would you mind telling me more about your sexuality? Is it something you’re comfortable with? Don’t want to put you in an awkward position – just curious – so feel free to tell me to back off πŸ™‚

    All the best, my amazing friend and good for you for taking that step. Go girrrrrl.

    • NOOO don’t worry about it!!! I’m cool with talking about it πŸ™‚
      I identify as bi and so I like more than one gender romantically and physically. That can include people who are trans or not πŸ™‚ I’m just a little confused but I’m trying not to overthink it. Thanks for asking!!! If you wanna know more, just message me, my fab friend (P.S I miss you!!!)

  7. OMG I love this.
    I’m so happy for you! I think you deserve this more than anyone else ever.
    I cannot wait to see how this all turns out to be!

    Best of luck ❀

  8. I smiled reading this. I feel so happy for you being happy!
    Also I feel like I’m in a situation similar to this right now, except I met the girl in real life not online, and it’s difficult because I feel the same way you do except we’re supposed to be friends…so it’s kind of awkward but this really made me feel happy. πŸ™‚

  9. Honestly, this is great, especially the content, but also your writing style… its just so casual and funny yet is able to be taken seriously.

    • I don’t quite understand why but this comment means so much to me. It’s everything I’d want people to think of my writing and the way I talk about things. Thank you so so much πŸ™‚

  10. I SHIP IT. PEARL AND ELM, PELM OR EARL, YOU CHOOSE. (I’m not great when it comes to making ship names, as you can tell)

    I’m so happy for you, and I’m so happy you found a person that you feel comfortable with and you feel like you with. You get what I mean?

    ❀️

  11. Reading this sounds like another perfect day for you. It makes me happy to read about you being happy because I know you deserve it. ❀ I'm not judging you for anything because you're allowed to live your own life and the internet or anyone in this world has nothing to do with it. She sounds amazing, you are amazing, I think that this won't be the last time you see her. Not that I'm an expert, but I can just feel it.

  12. Elm I’m SO HAPPY for you! There’s nothing wrong with the way you met her – so many people meet online nowadays, if anyone judges you for it I will fight them (ΰΈ‡’Μ€-‘́)ΰΈ‡ I’m so happy that you got a new amazing person in your life πŸ™‚

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