Some Thoughts About My Identity

I’ve been thinking for the past few weeks. Though that’s never a good thing, because me thinking usually results in a catastrophe, this time it’s been about my identity. Along of bemusement and a heavy dose of yelling to my friends about how confused I am, I might have started to piece together a bit more of who I think I am.

Because my thoughts are quite jumbled, I’m going to try and organise them into sections. They’ll overlap, but that’s the beauty of life, right? (I honestly have no idea how this post is going to go, so bare with my strange ramblings).

Sexual Attraction

In terms of who I’m sexually attracted to, I know it could be any gender. I know that I can get incredibly strong sexual and physical attraction to people. It’s happened many times before, even if I don’t necessarily know them. However, the sexual attraction becomes stronger the more I know somebody. Saying that, I am honestly afraid of intimacy with anyone I don’t know very well and even when I do know somebody very well, I still can become really nervous. I think this is because I was emotionally damaged from situations before that I become wary of people that I trust, in case they do something similar. In addiN to that, I am afraid of losing control in a situation where I might embarrass myself. The attraction, as well as the fear, builds up over time but I’ve found that attempting to repress this attraction can make it a lot worse.

Romantic Attraction

This one’s a bit more tricky. A lot of the time, I get romantic and sexual attraction confused. However, I know that I do experience strong romantic feelings for people; I’ve “fallen in love” three times as far as I’m aware. This attraction is normally only strong when I know somebody really well. To people I don’t know so well, I can get attracted but it’s only often a surface attraction that easily fades. Like physical attraction, I also get scared of my feelings most of the time. This causes me to run away from them, or try, which can then block me from feeling anything.

How They Interact

This is where all the confusion starts. When doing anything intimate, if there isn’t any kind of romantic subtext, I can feel a little sick afterwards. This “sick” feeling also happens if I’m only romantically, and not sexually, attracted to a person. I will never feel entirely invested in someone if I’m just physically attracted to them but nothing else; this doesn’t stop me from being involved with them but it can cause me to panic somewhere down the line. As well as that, if I’m involved with someone in one way, it can progress to the other way as well: for example, if I just had romantic feelings for someone, I could then develop physical feelings and vice versa, the latter having occurred more than once.

I DO NOT HAVE A CLUE

All of this comes from experience, where I can relate every single thing I’ve said in this post to a situation that has happened. This means I don’t know if the same patterns will continue in the future. I know I’m scared of things and that to some extent, I’ve always been way, way more attracted to people who I know but recent experiences that have happened mean that I don’t fully understand how to commit to even those people who I adore with all my heart.

There isn’t much clarity here but I knew that, even as I began to write this post. I’m still extremely confused and there isn’t one way of saying, “Oh! This is me then.” I’m hesitant about committing to anything, just in case my indecisive brain decides to do a U-turn. However, as I said earlier, I’m very sick of having to pretend to not feel things.

All I know is that my thoughts on feelings and sexuality are complicated and can’t ever be fully explained with a simple few words. Part of it’s always been there but part of it’s to do with past experiences that have shaped my personal thoughts on what I’m comfortable with. Finding the different parts that fit into those two – or more – categories is going to be tricky and I may never fully figure out which might be which. Isn’t that what life is, though? Not always being sure of how things fit together?

I’m not going to attach a label to it right now, or maybe not ever. It might change – in fact, it probably will. If I commit to a label now, I might have further panic if that then changes again.

I want to live and fall in love again but I also need to work through a bunch of identity troubles first. Or rather, I want this to be a slow process because I’ve rushed things before and that is vastly unpleasant, to say the least.

Have you ever had confusion about your identity? What did you do to help yourself figure it out?

From Elm 🙂

12 thoughts on “Some Thoughts About My Identity

  1. I’ve been here. I think we all have. But it’s important to remember that this is a spectrum. Nobody is going to land exactly where someone else does on that spectrum, and that’s part of the beauty of it all. Sexuality and romantic attraction grow, change, and develop over time. You are not stuck here, in this confused state. The more people you meet, the more challenges you overcome, the clearer it will become. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay. You should never feel the need to trap yourself in a box or stick some label on yourself. What I can promise though, is that it will be alright. ❤️
    -Dani

    • Honestly, never have I heard such true words. You put it exactly how I wanted to write it: things always change, always develop, and you’re never quite the same in each point of your life. I think that’s why I like the thought of growing up and being who I want to be so much; it’ll give me a chance to grow without having the barrier of a label to stop me. Thank you so much for this! I needed to hear someone say it so plainly. Confusion is quite awful but at the end of the day, it’s a natural part of life that isn’t an enemy XX

  2. Hey elm! I think everyone goes through this dilemma and it’s honestly a very confused period. Its great that you’re acknowledging it rather than repressing. I just want to say that take your time and don’t rush into it. Don’t feel like you need to fit in somewhere, I guess. I hope you figure it out and feel comfortable with who you are.💙

    • Thank you, love! I really appreciate that 🙂 I sometimes can’t get rid of the feeling that I’m trying too hard to fit myself into things. I hate rushing into things because it’s so overwhelming and doesn’t do me any good in the long run. Seriously, thank you. People showing me that it’s alright to be confused, but to not let the confusion consume me, is really reassuring. I hope you’re okay! XX

  3. Hey, worry not! 😊 My Personal Development teacher once told us that getting confused of one’s identity is a part of life and is completely normal. You may not know who you are or what you truly want at the moment, but one thing’s for sure: you’ll get through that shit and when you’ve come out of your shell, you’re definitely going to be stronger, wiser, and more passionate. I believe in you!!

    • YEEESSS, that is so true!! I needed to hear that. Your Personal Development teacher sounds like a bloody legend!!! Much better than the equivalent over here 😀 I hope you’re doing amazingly! xx

  4. I just remembered when I asked my friends about how they would react if I get into a romantic relationship with a girl. I mean, anything’s possible, right? Maybe we end up with a girl or a boy – whatever it is, it is meant to be. Anyway, no matter what your true identity is, we love you Elm ❤ x

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