The Thing About my Identity

In September, I’ll be attending a college for the visually impaired. I’ve made no secret of that on my blog but to be honest, there are very few in this country and just under 150 people attend each at any given time. That means everyone will know each other but also that it possibly wouldn’t be difficult to figure out my ‘real’ identity.

Before, when the question of my identity came up, I reacted a little differently. I was much more defensive and worried about people finding it because I went to a school where, I felt, people would judge you or just didn’t care. Now I’m out – and even as I drew to the end of my secondary school years – I started to relax a bit more. Saying that, now, I’m starting to become quite paranoid about things. It seems silly but I’m eternally afraid that people are going to have this preconception of me that they transfer from blogging to ‘real life’, or vice versa. Does that make any sense?

I’m not so worried about blogging people finding out my real identity. It fills me with fear, of course, but there’s less chance of damaging consequences happening. Unless someone decides to unearth things about me from years ago that exist on the Internet, the blogging world won’t be my problem. I doubt I’ll reveal my identity soon but if it happens, that wouldn’t be as bad.

It’s the other way around that could be a problem. People at the college could, and probably will, find my blog. I don’t exactly do the best job at hiding it and trying to now would take far too long and would go against the openness and honesty that I want on my blog. However, the thought of people potentially discovering it and taking the piss out of me for it really worries me. It’s unlikely that they’d be so cruel but you never know: some people can be immature and laugh first before understanding.

If they do find me and only read a small amount of my posts, they could get varying opinions of me. They could look at my emotional posts and jump to conclusions about my personal life, seeming as some of the people I mention on this blog are VI (visually impaired) and might be known by them. They could find my old posts and think that’s still a representation of me. In short, they could do all sorts of things and sometimes, I’m scared about how I could react. People could really hurt me by using this blog against me and they wouldn’t even know it.

The truth is that I could react very badly. If I’m confronted with people knowing who Elm is, offline, I’d most likely freak out and if someone didn’t understand how important this blog is to me, they could trivialise it. Would that cause me to shut down? Would I then stop posting? I don’t know: I’d hope that I was mature enough to react as calmly as possible but who knows? I’m scared that if someone really drags up old memories, I won’t be able to handle trying to defend myself.

I’m afraid of becoming someone else that I don’t recognise. I’m scared that I’ll be leaving myself behind, almost, and that all my identities will be taken from me by people discovering previously unseen parts of myself. Isn’t this just life, though? I suppose it happens all the time; this is just a big change and I don’t know how to feel about it.

Don’t lose yourself in the mayhem of new beginnings but at the same time, don’t be afraid to change what you define as ‘yourself’. Your identity is fluid and doesn’t always have to be tied down by people and experiences. It’s okay if it changes.

From Elm 🙂

22 thoughts on “The Thing About my Identity

  1. If this makes you feel any better, lots of irl people have found my blog (i hide it approximately 0%) and they were all super supportive even if they don’t really understand it!! so i’m sure you’ll be good 🙂

  2. Firstly, be proud of your blog. Secondly, if anyone at all speaks negatively about it or you, well that’s probably the quickest and easiest way of finding out who will be friends and who won’t be. It’s an excellent shortcut! Don’t overthink it. Just enjoy this wonderful new chapter and chances are you’ll find others who blog too. Katie. X

  3. This post is definitely relatable. I get so worried every time someone starts speaking about blogs or the internet. I don’t know why but I feel like they’ll judge me or treat me differently or think it’s stupid or something. Your fears are totally valid but you have an amazing blog and that’s all that matters! xx ❤️😀🌮

    • Honestly, I totally get this! Whenever the word “blog” is mentioned, my heart goes through a mini panic. But thank you!! I need to properly read your blog but from what I’ve seen (and heard from others’ award posts where you’re tagged), you are brilliant!! Thank you!!! xxx

  4. If I was in that school and I found out who you really were, I’d be impressed when I see the VI girl behind all this. I’m ever so proud of you, you have no idea xx 🙂 ❤

  5. ELM!! I honestly think that this is the no.1 panic induced topic that most anonymous bloggers will relate to. I remember earlier on the year a friend of mine told everyone that she had a fashion themed blog on WordPress and I went on a stalking spree the next day because the paranoia kept making me wonder about the craziest things like whether she was following someone that knows me cause she could end up finding me and my posts are a dead giveaway. Underneath all the panicking though, I felt just like you do – people may accept that I have a blog and move on but how’ll they react to the content and the person I am online?

    You won’t not be stressing over this (it makes more sense in my head) because, understandably, blogging is important to you so don’t beat yourself up about how you’re feeling. Instead, remember that you’re going somewhere new where people don’t know you at all – if they do find out about your blog and like it (let’s be honest they’ll end up binge reading it) you’re going to end up with friends that relate to you, or understand you better and they’ll start seeing a single identity rather than two! And if they do start to judge you, you’ll just come out with thicker skin in the end and will probably never see them again after college. Plus, the supporters alway triumph over the hate xx

    • ASH!!!!! Thank you for this – I know exactly what you mean. I look at some of my posts and they would immediately give away who I am. And I stress what they’ll think??

      Did you find the fashion blogger? I’d have EXACTLY the same reaction. I just hope, like you say, people will be lovely and will use it as a way to get to know me rather than as a way to make fun of me. I don’t know, I’m paranoid.

      Honestly, it’s so great having other anonymous bloggers who can relate to the anon blogger struggle. YAAAAS!!!

      P.S: I’m going to reply to your Twitter DM soon, I’m keeping off Twitter for a bit bc mental health but I promise I’ll respond soon!

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