I Can’t be Alone

Over the last 3 weeks, I’ve been so busy. I went to Yorkshire to see my friend, who I call Rapunzel, at the end of July and had some of the best times in the last few months. I saw Heathers the Musical with one of my oldest internet friends. Another friend of mine, S, came to stay on the 5th and left yesterday. But now he’s gone, now that I’m alone, I remember just why I keep myself busy: to avoid this.

What is this? It’s the terrifying feeling of not wanting to be alone with your own thoughts. It’s doing anything possible to try and stop them from taking over. It’s not knowing whether today will be okay or not so just trying to hold off the flood but now that the flood has finally caught up, it’s fucking awful. How do I deal with these emotions when I don’t quite understand what they are?

Of course, that doesn’t mean I’ve been trying to frantically do things to stop feeling. Doing things, like seeing friends, just helps to not make the feelings overwhelming. For instance, seeing Rapunzel and then S gave me more freedom and it also meant that there was someone there who could help me or talk to me if things got really rough. I had an amazing time with them but as they’re two of my closest friends, now that they’re gone (although I’m seeing Rapunzel really soon), I just feel painfully lonely. Loneliness and being alone, whilst suffering from horrifying bouts of bad mental health, is not a good combination.

Part of me wants to write and write and write until it all just pours out. I cried about how bereft I felt last night, then cried further about how pathetic that made me feel. Apparently, I can’t cope if I don’t have someone around me. It’s not like I can be eternally around people – I do need time on my own sometimes – but people being here makes it easier to cope. People being here gives me an excuse to work through my feelings, if not for me then for them so that I don’t ruin anything for them. Being alone means that excuse shatters and I have no reason, meaning that I just… Don’t care.

Then there’s that part of me that is terrified and has no energy. I hate being alone, where I feel like I have nowhere to go and nothing to do and no-one to help me. Realistically, I know people are here but that doesn’t help when I can’t even convince myself that getting up is worth doing. The thought of doing anything much, from writing a blog post I need to do to eating lunch to texting people, makes me feel so sick that I don’t end up doing those things. I’ve constantly been wanting to cry all day and I’m exhausted. Everything feels hollow and I’m always thinking that everyone hates me, that I’m making the worst mistakes and that I shouldn’t speak in case I upset anyone. God, why is this so difficult?

The bottom line is, I’m scared of my thoughts. Sure, I’ve made progress towards recovering – I’m nowhere near as constantly unstable as I was during April or May. However, sometimes it still gets so bad that I can’t speak or move or do anything that doesn’t involve me wanting to run away or slip off into oblivion. I just wish I didn’t need external reassurance: I wish I could find it within myself to feel more whole.

I’ve had moments of clarity today. I got up this morning after a few hours of alternately doing nothing and then crying. I had a shower, got changed, brushed my hair (it calms me down for some reason) and then finally ate something. Then again, now, I don’t have much energy. Later, Kel is arriving and I’m so glad of that because I’ve been wanting to see him for ages and also, it’ll help me to pull myself back from whatever hell I’ve managed to stuff myself in this time.

Until this evening, where I’m required to move (and that’s a good thing), I think I’ll try and distract myself. Perhaps I’ll watch something on Netflix (I might watch Outnumbered or Brooklyn Nine-Nine because they remind me of people that I love), or listen to music. Reading, right now, takes up too much energy; I planned to write about how I was feeling but I’m way too drained for that or to even think. Usually, I wouldn’t suggest distractions for anyone because that’s avoiding feeling but I want this to get down to a manageable level. As of now, it’s so overwhelming that I want to scream.

I’m sorry for all this sporadic and negative posting. I want to write at my own pace but often I do feel guilty for putting people through all this undirected shrieking.

What do you do when you hate the idea of being alone with your own thoughts?

From Elm 🙂

29 thoughts on “I Can’t be Alone

  1. I’m feeling so emotional after reading that! You don’t understand how much I related to this! For the past few months, I felt so lonely! And it was also exhausting feeling so sad and lonely all the time. Loneliness is a weird feeling too and it feels like it’ll never go away. I can’t say for sure that it will be the same for you but the loneliness goes away, eventually.

    • God, I hope so. I just can’t take feeling like this all the time any more and you know when you think you’re out of it but it just comes back?

      It makes me feel a bit better that you can relate to this as well. It always feels comforting when someone can put into words what you’ve been feeling. Really hope you’re okay and I hope that the loneliness goes away for both of us. Thank you for everything, I do mean that xx

      • Yeah, I get scared a lot that the feeling will come back! It’s awful! And I agree, I find it comforting that you understand the feeling and it’s not just me. I hope everything turns out for the best for you too!!

  2. Is it believable that a immature 13-year-old wants to take the fastest plane to London to come and hug a responsible 18 (I guess) year old teen and comfort her? Cause I wanna do just that 😘😘

  3. Loneliness is such an awful feeling and I’m sure from my recent posts, you can feel that. It came mostly because I’ve just had nothing to do over the summer holidays, no-one to meet, so I’ve just been left alone. In the beginning, I couldn’t deal with it and would be overwhelmed with emotions but now I embrace these feelings. Whenever I do get feelings of loneliness again, I cry when I need to, write down my feelings or I’m trying to get better at expressing myself to other people when I’m down. I know that being left alone with your own thoughts can seem daunting, but it’s really important. The longer you try to distract yourself, the worse it will be in the long-run. Sorry for the long comment but I just relate to you so much! Sending lots of love xx

    • Thank you so much for that – you’re right. It’s definitely not a long-term solution but for the short-term, it’s necessary because I’m really not functioning when I’m alone if that makes sense. I’ll try and be alone and manage at some point, because I need to do it to sort out my mind. I’m so glad that you’ve found what works for you and I really hope you’re okay xx

  4. I RELATE TO THIS POST SO MUCH!

    Let me tell you a small story:
    In July, I was basically doing nothing. I had college only for 2 hours in the morning and everyday after that I would be home and do nothing. Nothing at all. I had no projects, no submissions. I couldn’t help but feel that I was wasting SO much time.

    Around this time, I started developing this notion that I was completely stuck in life. That my life wasn’t progressing – that I wasn’t progressing. I would spend hours thinking about how I hadn’t achieved anything substantive in the last few years of life and how I didnt understand where to go from here.

    So what I’m saying is this – I completely, totally understand what you feel and why you would hate staying alone with your thoughts. I know I can’t understand what you go through on a daily basis but I do get this.

    • This meant so, so much to me. Just knowing that someone felt the same as I do right now is comforting. Sometimes it feels like I”m both alone with my thoughts and alone in how I feel generally. I really hope you’re okay – thank you so much for sharing that. Finding direction in life is wonderful but when it can’t be done, it doesn’t mean life is over xx

  5. I am so effing afraid of my thoughts and of the emotions that consume me after I let my thoughts ride my mind. I am terrified of the way I feel after being defeated by my thoughts, if you know what I mean? I’m not saying it’s never going to go away because it been a fricking eternity and I still haven’t been able to tame them but I guess it gets better. As you grow, as you see things and as you experience and let go of negativity, it’ll all be clearer. Much much clearer. And I know what being lonely feels like, take advice from a person who had no friends in middle school and pretty much the entirety of her high school, you get used to it. You tame your thoughts and they will be there, of course they will there is nowhere to go, but you’ll change the direction in which you think. Once you let go of the negative people around you, everything will get better. You’ll realise that the best person to be with is yourself. You’re the only person who truly understands you and that’s the best feeling in the world because trust me, the dislike I received through middle school left me so lonely that I turned to myself for comfort and now, I go on walks and talk to myself and resolve every doubt that I have. I know it’s tuff but you’re stronger. The time will pass and you’ll conquer your obstacles. Take care. Hope you feel better.

    • Hey, thank you so much for this. Your honesty is amazing to read because it shows me there is a way around feeling like this. As I grow, I’ll learn to respect myself which is what I need.

      Remember that the people who were awful to you in high school were pathetic and didn’t understand you. You are so, so strong and I’m proud of you for being so open about all this. I appreciate you supporting me – I just hope I can take the support and do something concrete with it xx

  6. I totally understand where you’re coming from and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Honestly, I’ve really isolated myself a lot in the last two years and have gotten dependent on mainly my bf but also two friends. I talk to him every day, but not really anyone else… He moves in 12 days and I’m already not taking it well. I know I’ll be distracting myself as much as possible even when I feel shitty, probably working, reading, and writing, I wish you the best! Xx

  7. Loneliness is tough. I find it really hard at times, especially at uni when I’m away from my family and my friends at in lectures etc. I usually turn to blogging as there’s always someone to talk to. I also like listening to the radio or watching TV as a moment of escapism. My email/DMs are always if you want to chat xx

    • Honestly, thank you for this. I’m moving away in September so I’m so worried I’ll be lonely but I love distractions like TV shows or good music. You are brilliant and I’ll be eternally to you and others from this community for always holding me up when I need help – I’m here for you too whenever xx

  8. that’s so sad Elm but I don’t really mind being alone I like spending time alone, so I don’t really see it a big issue to me, but hey you will be fine….. You got this…..😘😍😘😍 , and how do I follow you on instagram????

  9. This makes so much sense and it is ok to tell us how you feel. I mean we are kind of like family, right? I understand how you are feeling. I hate being alone because I had to struggle with depression at some point in my life and loneliness make you feel worse. It made me feel kind of unwanted. But writing has always pulled me through. I helped mw straighten out my feelings and work on them. I hope writing has the same healing effect on you.

    • Ahh, I hope it does too – thank you so much. I’m just trtyingto get through as much as I can. We can do this – thank you for opening up!! xx

  10. Omg Elm I hope you feel better now. I understand what you’re saying, actually when I was about 9 I used to be scared of pretty stupid things, but just being alone in my mind, not able to get those thoughts out of my head was like a mental jail. I enjoyed being in school cause it distracted me.
    Now I also kind of try to avoid negative thoughts by watching a movie, blogging, reading, going for walk, hanging out with my friends… I helps a lot more than I thought it would.

    Again, hope you feel better! ❤ ❤

    • Thank you, Anna!! I’m feeling a bit better, not great but I’m getting there! Watching a movie is such a good idea!!! 🙂 I should start doing that more. Seriously, thank you!! School is a good distraction but now I’m out, it’s difficult to find things that help. But again, GETTING THERE YAAAAY!

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