I Hate This

There are some days where I can put up a facade of functioning. I’ll be able to complete most regular, easy tasks; I’ll speak animatedly and tell people things aren’t that bad. However, it’s often just a disguise, a false front that I don’t even realise is false until I’m back by myself. Of course, there are days where I genuinely feel okay or even positive but most times, there’s something that feels really wrong beneath the surface.

Then, there are days where I can’t even pretend to function properly. There are days where, like yesterday and today, I walk around in this daze of upset and sad and lonely. My voice will have no inflection in it – it’ll sound like I just don’t care about anything. On particularly bad ones, I will snap at people that I don’t feel well enough to talk or do anything and then spend hours afterwards feeling so guilty about it that I shut myself off. I’ll talk to people in a bid to distract myself from this awful feeling but it’ll never work. It just comes across as desperation.

Today is going especially unpleasantly. I had to make a really horrible decision yesterday that has left me feeling terrible, even though I knew it was the right thing to do for everyone involved. My skin feels awful and I’ve been purposefully trying to avoid talking to the family when I never usually do that. Even though I told my mum I feel mentally unwell, she blamed it on the change in the weather and the fact that we’ve all been feeling shitty. It just reinforces in my head that no one will believe me because usually I can function enough to get up and get out the house.

I’m so tired. I hate having to pretend that this bone-deep weariness is from just lack of sleep or being just a little bit sad when everything feels a bit unhinged and heavy. I haven’t been able to explain my thoughts to people around me, leading to misunderstandings which make me feel even worse.

There’s also this thought in the back of my head that I’m really fine, that I’m being dramatic and that I should just get up and try. But I have been trying. I’ve been trying so hard that I have no try left. I keep on getting bursts of crying because I can’t bare that my mind is working against me to tell me I’m a liar and a faker and not worth anybody’s time.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. God, I hate it so much; it’s like the moment I take a few steps forward, my brain pulls me back. This time, I can’t even properly blame myself because feeling like this isn’t my fault. It’s just so horrible and even though I know it won’t last forever, it feels like it’ll never end.

How do you admit that you don’t feel well without making it seem like a cry for attention? Because I refuse to self-diagnose, I don’t want to say I have anything but then it just feels like people don’t care. It’s just a “spell” or a “phase”, according to so many members of my family. I feel trapped and shut in my own head, when so many people expect me to hold it all together. It seems like there’s no time for my unhappiness or breakdowns. Fuck, is that needy to say?

I just want to feel well but I know that can’t happen for a few days or even weeks. Talking to people has helped and I’m just trying to reconcile with myself that people care. This mountain isn’t impossible to scale – it’ll just take a while to climb. I guess, you can’t climb a mountain without support.

If you need help, I’m always a message, email or comment away. Here’s my contact page, if you need it. You deserve to have a voice.

I’m really sorry for how negative and disjointed this post is. Thanks for always supporting me through it, though. Blogging is part of the reason why I haven’t totally broken down. I appreciate that more than I can say. I just feel so awful at this current moment that I can’t do much apart from yell it onto a screen in the hopes that someone will understand.

Love from Elm 🙂

56 thoughts on “I Hate This

  1. I know exactly how you feel. ‘I feel trapped and shut in my own head’ this is literally me all the time. Remember though, you are NEVER, EVER alone. I am always here for you and always will be. If you ever just want a conversation or someone to talk to – email me and we can get through this together, I promise you. Stay strong. I love you.

  2. so much love to you, elm. you hit the nail on the head when you said this isn’t your fault, and i’m just so glad you realize that. mental illness is never a choice, and the struggles you’re having are relatable and real. you are not fake just because you are trying, and you are not a liar because you can’t explain how you feel. thank you, for sharing with the world what you are going through, because i promise you that through this experience, you’re showing others that they are not alone–and that is something to be proud of 🙂 xx

    • Thank you so much, you amazing person. I needed to hear that, to have that reassurance. You are wonderful and so valid also. We can get through this – it’s just about trying and supporting each other xx

  3. Elmmm that sucks so much, I’m so sorry you feel like this, especially because you can’t help it. I feel like the best way to get people to understand is to sit them down and explain exactly how you feel and why you think you do. If they don’t get it, then they’re never going to. :/ hope you feel better soon and remember, you can always talk to us lot, in the blogging community. We’re here for you always. 🙂 Xx

    • Thank you so much – I really appreciate that. I think I do need to talk to people more – often when I talk, it’s quite unhinged or it’s far too much like I’m trying to justify my thoughts when often, they don’t have a justification. Seriously, thank you. I’m always here if you need it xx

  4. You don’t have to apologise for the “negative” post. It’s your platform and I know a lot of people can relate. I understand how you feel with people not understanding how you feel and how it’s not just a cold or whatever. You’re not attention seeking for wanting people to understand and what you’re going through is not your fault! You’re a strong person, I don’t think you fully see that! ❤️

    • I hope I can realise that soon. Thank you, Shay. I often forget people ARE here to listen and I just feel so bad for plaguing people with this kind of content but you’re right. You’ve been such a help because your blog posts always make me happier ❤ Thank you! xx

  5. There are times when I’ve felt like this too Elm and all I can say is that you’re not an attention-seeker and anything you feel this deeply is real simply because you feel it. You don’t need other’s validation for it to be real but I totally understand why you feel like you need it (because I feel like I need it too).
    What sucks most about mental health that I’ve learnt recently is that anyone who hasn’t suffered from anxiety, depression, etc. is never going to fully understand what it’s like and that’s what makes them react in odd ways (push your feelings away, tell you it’s temporary, blame it on other things or not face up to the word itself). I’ve noticed this a lot. But what you should remember is there are also millions out there who do struggle with these things and those are the ones that will really be there for you. Because they really understand.
    It’s easy to get frustrated when people don’t accept your feelings but the most important thing is to accept them yourself. And I’m always here if you need someone to talk to about it.
    It’s hard to fight thoughts like this – especially in the moment – but so many people do it everyday and that means that 100% you can do it too ❤️

    • I appreciate that so, so much. I wish I could write a longer comment in reply to this, to explain all of how I feel. But you’re so right: the people who have experienced it will understand the most. They don’t push those feelings away.

      People like you are the reason I can speak about this. I have SO much gratitude to you for always helping me. Even when I find it hard to get words out, you don’t judge – just thank you, so so much. ❤ xx

      • Aww this is so lovely it’s honestly no problem! That’s what blogging should be about – spreading your thoughts in a way where they won’t be judged and for people in similar circumstances to help you out. I’m glad you felt comfortable to share your voice ❤️

  6. You say: “How do you admit that you don’t feel well without making it seem like a cry for attention?”
    I think the only way is to talk to people who are experiencing, or who have been experiencing, the same feelings as you do. These people KNOW how it feels and can acknowledge your feelings without the need to “blame” something or other for it, without minimizing what you are feeling, and without wanting to give you a bunch of advice such as: “just” get moving, “just” do this, “just” do that, “just” get your act together…. (LOL)
    I know how it is…. on some days, it’s one hour at the time, and each hour is like that victory, and each tiny accomplishment is like that other great victory. And thus, at the end of the day, you have a bunch of those little victories, just for yourself. No one knows about it because they don’t notice how difficult it was to accomplish these things.
    But that does not diminish your victories. They are real. They are there.
    And if there is “only” ONE victory for the day (for example getting out of bed) then that, too, should be cause for celebration.
    One step at the time! 🙂
    And keep sharing!

    • That was amazing. I needed to hear that kind of thing to be able to understand that little victories are still victories. It’s so hard to reconcile with myself that I’m not diminished by small things. Instead, they make me stronger.

      Thank you, honestly. I appreciate your words and your kindnesses. I wish I could write more but I’m so exhausted – I hope you know that you’ve helped me more than I can say.

  7. I really wish that I didn’t relate to this post as much as I do. Lately, everything has just been a blur of melancholy and disinterest. I can’t pinpoint a reason why, it just is. And it sucks. I also really wish I could tell you what to do but honestly, I haven’t found something that works 100% for me yet.
    That said, I do think that reaching out to people is important though, because talking does make it a little less scary, a little less lonely. People do care and talking to them isn’t a a fake cry for attention or whatever. So don’t apologise for posting “negative” posts, this is your blog and you’re free to choose the content. Do whatever makes you feel better, always.
    If you ever need someone to talk to, a stranger who understands, drop me a mail.
    Stay strong, Elm. xx

    • I’ll do my very best. Thank you so much for sharing your personal struggles. That’s one step closer to helping ourselves.

      I really appreciate your comment. I suppose it takes this kind of thing for me to understand that people ARE here. That I’m NOT a burden. SO much love to you ❤ Stay strong, yourself. You've provided me with proof that not everyone thinks I'm awful. Thank you xx

  8. I hope today is better than yesterday. I hope you feel better soon. In the mean time I want you to remember happy or sad are just emotions. Feel it once a while. This day is going to end whether it is good or bad. Elm I hope you feel better today.

  9. I don’t know what to say that could help you, but please know that I’m sending you the best of happiness! I hope you know that other people sometimes feel the same way. But remember that you are a strong woman – who will come out of this just so you can carry on. I hope you feel a lot better soon.
    You are not alone.
    If you ever want a pick-me up, a talk, a weird conversation – drop by an email. I’m always here.
    We can get through this together, and together we will do it. Not alone. Stay strong, beautiful.
    I love you.
    Erin | http://kittyjadeblog.com ♥️

    • Hey you, thank you so much. Your support on my posts has been amazing and I feel so honoured that you’d be here for me. I’m trying to get through and I’m SO thankful that you’re here. Always keep smiling, as much as you can ❤
      Love from Elm 🙂

  10. I don’t even know how to help you. I would like to say that “It will get better” or “Stay strong” because that’s what everyone says. I just know that it takes time and if you need to just spill everything out, I’m always here ❤

  11. I shit it a lot of the times and that just makes me cringe and feel like an awful person and that I’m really stupid, but at least the thing about those things is that maaaaayyyyyybe we won’t do them again, and that maybe was really long cause I’ve shit it very similarly many times. Time cures everything, try to distract yourself.

    And omg your relatives have also told you it’s a phase? Omg if I got money for every time I tell my parents I cried about my teacher crush they say it’s a phase, come on! So if you divorce, your marriage was just a phase? Idk it just gets to my nerves.
    If you need to talk, ya knaw what to do, hehe 🙂

  12. I completely relate. Especially with voice in your head that’s saying you’re being dramatic. You are not. You are allowed to feel how you are feeling and if you want to talk, know that I’m here. I love you and I’m so proud of you ❤

  13. *sending virtual hugs* everybody deserves to have their emotions treated as valid regardless of what they are or the weather outside. I’m glad that maybe writing this here can give you an outlet and if you ever want to talk to someone, well, I’d be happy to listen- if not, I’m sure there are tons of other people who would love to give you a pep talk or a shoulder to cry on! ❤

  14. thanks for this blog, you have an outlet for all those emotions. I can totally relate with you. I hate it when I tell people I don’t feel well and they don’t believe me because they think I just want attention or i’m just ‘making up another story’. It’s really hard to make them believe you since they can’t “see” how you “feel”. So you’ll have to help yourself when you really needed someone’s help. I hope that loneliness won’t come back again. Think happy thoughts! ❤

  15. You just perfectly described mental illness. I know this comment is late, but I need you to know that this is exactly why mental illness does, it lies to you, makes you feel bad for talking about it, tells you you’re faking it for attention so it can sneak in farther and do more damage. It’s perfectly ordinary and absolutely something worth taking about. It took me so many therapy sessions to be able to put the feelings you just described into words. You aren’t making it up, you’re not just being dramatic, your emotions are valid, worth talking about, and something that can be helped. Stay strong, stay safe
    -Dani ❤

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