I’m Too Sentimental for My Own Good

Call it coincidence, but the 24th seems to have it out for me.

By “having it out for me”, I don’t mean it’s personally attacked me with its… Numberness, but on the 24th of various months, things – recently/in the last 1 and a half years – have seemed to happen in terms of my “love life”, which means that I now have an entirely unfair grudge on the number, and the grudge – which I only realised existed today – is most likely going to surface in a bitter mutter on certain dates, because I seem to have a habit of attaching importance to things like that and then getting involved in a self-fulfilling prophecy of irritation.

It’s not like I mean things to happen on this day, or that I even realised they did until now: I was thinking earlier (shocking I know) and I came to the thought that, completely by accident, a few things have happened on this day in different months. It made me laugh, and then made me feel rather too sad, so I decided to make a post about it. You don’t rule me, 24th, you bastard!

My hilarious failure of a two-week internet relationship on the 24th ended. That isn’t exactly ground-breaking, but a day later, I had what I consider my first kiss, and so of course the day prior would mean something because the latter day will always stick in my mind. Palm meant nothing to me in the long run: S, on the other hand, did and does. Convoluted? Oh, it makes sense in my head; the past’s a weird thing in that it reminds you of things, but this section of the past doesn’t hurt. It’s nice to remember.

On the 24th of February (last year because I’m not a time traveller, sadly) I took a huge step in realising that my feelings were important, and that I didn’t have to do something just because it was right for someone else. I understood that not having feelings for someone and being in a relationship with them is a bad idea, and only causes hurt; it made me grow up and finally accept that what I was feeling was alright to feel. That relationship ended amicably, and stayed friendly, which is great.

The 24th marks the start of something that was beautiful to me, and something that got me through a lot of pain in my life; I started on the road to falling in love that day, and though that’s faded now, it’s alright because again, I grew as a person. It also marks an ending, of what I shan’t say, but that ending was incredibly bittersweet. With the person in question, after that “ending”, I was never quite sure if I’d break what we had, or if it would turn into something lovely. It represented the fleeting kind of love you have, before complications get in the way of it.

This “day” is also one where I made some, um, morally questionable choices. Then again, I don’t regret a thing because it was a huge reality check; I sincerely doubt it’d even occur to anyone else what this particular instance was, but for me it was a wake-up call. I was happy for a short time, but at the expense of others, and it only increased my paranoia despite the closure I received. It wasn’t fair, really, though I’ve put it behind me as best as I can.

Oh, and coincidentally, the 24th of an unnamed month is Ash’s birthday. Ash was previously one of my best friends, who I fell in love with, and I find it quite funny how this day also links to him. Weird, in fact; it’s all total accidental happenstance, but it still shocks me a bit.

If I had, this morning, woken up and thought “Well FUCK, it’s the 24th!” I would have been in a horrendous mood all day. As it was, I only realised the supposed significance of the number a little before I wrote this post, when I was contemplating love and literature. It was then that the thought of “Ohh hell” popped into my head, but it only lasted a short while because I immediately got to writing.

Yes, it’s just another day and I want you guys to remember that too. Say you have a horrible event that happened to you, and it’s a year since then. Let this new day make you remember why you’re still living, and that a year ago it may have been awful, but this is a new year, month, day and you’re not ruled by numbers.

Sometimes, though, it’s good to have a bit of sentimentality. As long as it doesn’t stray into upsetting you, it’s lovely to remember the nostalgically happy times.

Luckily, for all its sad connotations, the 24th is a good number for me. Do you have any days like this?

From Elm πŸ™‚

Just To let You Know

This is just a quick note to say I broke up with Aspen.

Before you say anything, he’s done NOTHING to hurt me and I’m not angry with him. He’s a fantastic guy and I respect him loads, and so I’d rather not talk about this because I won’t expose his privacy.

Thanks everyone.

From Elm πŸ™‚

THIS WAS WRITTEN IN 5 MINUTES

Okay okay I’m FEELING THE PRESSURE RIGHT NOW.

Phew. Aspen’s coming over today and I literally have to leave in 5 minutes to pick him up from the station, so I thought, “HEY! Let’s write a post!”

Hazel is trying to help me with my French. For those of you who don’t know, which is basically everyone because I wrote about her in the beginning of the summer or something, Hazel was a girl I met when I went to a revision course for blindies in March and I had a huge crush on her. Like oh my god. Of course those feelings are gone but it’s weird, because I told her, but it’s NOT awkward. I’m just getting frustrated that my fluency of French is rather shit. URGH. I don’t want to disappoint her, because she’s literally fluent in French, but I’m CRAP at it.

Oh god, must run. I’ll update you more on the Hazel thing later.

Well, that post was rushed and I DON’T KNOW what it was about. *Claps* Well done, Elm!

I hope you have an amazing day. 3 days till Christmas, by the way! (I sound way too cheery just no)

From Elm πŸ™‚

I’m Getting There

Last night, I cried for the first time without a messed-up breakdown accompanying it, and when I was on my own. Usually, I cry when people are around me and it gets quite frantic and horrible, but yesterday it was almost… Calm?

And I’m damn proud of myself.

That probably sounds weird, but when I cry usually, I get the worst headache and I want to punch something, or myself, or both. After yesterday’s horrendous post, I felt so shit and at about 11, I spoke to Aspen and he helped me so much. As in he literally talked things out with me when I was on the virge of crying and breaking down. I don’t understand how he can be here for me and be so amazing when I get like that, but there you go.

I was freaking out over my maths homework, over myself and my lack of motivation, but he helped me. EVERYTHING, from yesterday, helped me. I’ve realised I CAN change and it’s okay to feel like this, and even if I’m scared, I can get through it.

When I got off the phone to Aspen, I just cried.It wasn’t the manic crying I usually get: I just felt tears sliding down my face and I let it happen without choking and without clenching my hands into fists. I just lay there and cried for a little while – not too long because the tears stopped after a little. Does that mean it didn’t affect me? No – I felt terrified, alone, empty – but I didn’t feel violent.

That makes me happy. Maybe it was just for yesterday, but I think what Aspen said to me sunk in. What YOU guys said to me sunk in. At the time of speaking to Aspen, I did feel quite unhinged and just so sad, but then, it got better. It usually doesn’t, but then, it did. For some reason. I think I’m getting… I wouldn’t say better, but I’m getting there.

Today, I walked into school and just thought, “Oh, fuck this. I need help.” Help, I mean, for the past paper. Instead of just ignoring it and shaking like a leaf like I usually do, I walked into the back room of the VI (visually impaired building for le blindy people OKAY NO I’m never referring to it like that again), stopped for about 2 minutes, then walked back into the front and asked for help.

Guys. I asked for help. Whereas I would often feel like crying and feel horrendous for doing it, NOW, I felt okay. Not GOOD, but okay; I got the nerve and stuck with it.

True, the paper’s due tomorrow and I could have asked for help before, but with me I have to gear up for asking for it. I may get yelled at tomorrow for not doing the entire paper, but it’s mostly because the teacher doesn’t understand the hatred I have for myself when it comes to things like that.

It’s one step at a time. This one’s just small, but I managed to break past that barricade of thought that stopped me asking the teacher to help me today. It might be too late now, because I can’t ask for help as it’s due tomorrow, but I managed it today.

I managed it, thanks to you guys and your words and thanks to my thoughts not going haywire on me. It was weird yesterday to not go to bed despising myself as I did before, because after my crying, I didn’t feel drained: I just felt… Okay. I think.

Thank you. I’m not perfect, but I’m taking it a little at a time. I wish I’d gone through this all sooner, but I didn’t, and I’m just going to have to live with it.

I WILL be okay. In time.

From Elm πŸ™‚

YAY MY PARTY

I’m SO tired and I’ve had SUCH a long and amazing day.

So first, I went volunteering at a run at the park with my friend Poppy, which we do every week and it’s great – FREEZING, but great. It’s just so nice to catch up with her.

THEN, I had my party. I went to the town where my school is, which is about 40 minutes away from me, and my amazing friends came with me to join my AMAZING FRIENDS that had already arrived. ARGH I’m so happy to talk about this!

My friend Ivy came, as well as Aspen (my boyfriend), his friend (need to think of a tree name), Holly, Wren, Odd, Red, Swan (Wren’s girlfriend who’s also amazing), and OBVIOUSLY I didn’t go, GOD, where would you get that impression from? And me being cool, we went to Pizza Express – AND STAYED FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS.

Oh my god, it was amazing. I opened presents, all of us moved and kept switching seats, I gave about a million hugs (SORRY RED) and cried with laughter and afterwards, we went “shopping” as the people slowly had to go until it was just me, Aspen, his friend (Who is also my friend fuck’s sake I need a naturey name), Red and Ivy sitting on some steps like rebels.

I feel so happy. We went hyper and Wren and the rest of them quietly fangirled to me about how great Aspen was – they hadn’t met him before and so I’m so glad they like him. Him and HIS FRIEND OH MY GOD THIS IS BOTHERING ME – came round to my house after we got home, and we had a lot of meaningful conversations mixed with laughter.

OH WAIT – my presents! Highlights included:

An AMAZING card from Odd and they gave me money yes
SO MUCH chocolate from Red (that WAS what I wanted)
A mini shopping trolley from Wren with an owl teddy bear inside it – LOVE IT
About a billion things from Swan to do with baths and shit like that and it’s awesome

The ones that I have on me right now are a ring from Ivy – alright, I love her for this. The ring has ELM LEAVES ON IT. ELM LEAVES. She knows about the blog and I spent about 5 minutes shrieking over it.

Aspen got me a beautiful necklace. I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s a flower and it sparkles… I want to attach a picture, but I can only use my phone. PSH. Too tired.

I don’t know how to adequately summarise this day, but trust me when I say that I NEEDED it. The freedom I felt was beautiful and I’m so so glad my friends came – if you’re reading this, thank you so much. You made me smile and laugh and feel amazing and THAT makes me happy. You’re the best friends I could ever ask for.

How was your day? I’m bloody exhausted.

Ahh, all my presents are amazing, for the simple fact that I received them. I wish every day could be like this.

From Elm πŸ™‚

He Sits BEHIND ME

URGHNNNHHHGGGRRR I have NOT had a good day! SIGH. Just calm, Elm.

Yeah. In physics I felt goddamned excluded and I don’t know why – I focused on learning but felt just so incredibly miserable because I didn’t understand it, had to get the teacher to help me and felt awful because my VI helper TA person (blind thing urgh c’est compliquΓ©) sitting next to me so I couldn’t talk to anyone and when I tried – butting into a conversation – this boy told me I wasn’t even included and then laughed in a joking way but it hurt like hell and argh.I STILL don’t understand the work and nearly cried in the middle of it and my lovely Physics teacher knew I wasn’t okay but she didn’t ask too much, she just KNEW, which was good because otherwise I really would have burst into tears.

I have a test tomorrow and I need to revise for it and I feel sick, because I haven’t revised much yet. I got a maths past paper I have to do for next week and if I don’t do it NOW I’ll do it at the last minute, and I have to think through my history coursework – you know what? Screw that; I have enough notes that I can plan it a little tonight and just write tomorrow.

So, I’m stressed, and I’m angry; nothing knew – but it’s not a self-loathing anger. I just feel a little sad.

Because I was bored, I messaged Palm saying “Hii” – Palm’s my ex-boyfriend who I went out with for two weeks in the summer. PSH. I’m not sure why I did that, because as much as he’s a nice person, we don’t really speak. Ever. And he’ll probably end up reading this and he’s just sent me a voice message and urgh…. This is ACTUALLY stressing me out for no good reason.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but now – on Thursdays (not on Tuesdays thank God) Ash sits directly behind me in French and I felt sick because he was actually here today. Goddamnit, I STILL can’t hate him even though I try, because of that knowledge I have that he DID appreciate my friendship. BASTARD. SOOOO immature, Elm!

I’m tired. REALLY tired. Whenever anyone asks me if I’m okay, my response is always “Yeah, I’m just tired.” That’s true, but not the whole truth. I shouldn’t lie.

The thing that’s keeping me together is that on Saturday, I’m having my birthday party and Aspen is going to meet all my school friends and it will be amazing. Less than two days to go – and the people there are my close friends, and I’m so happy that there are ones there that I would never have confided in last year. It shows you how friendships can grow.

Has your day been okay? Like I said yesterday, I started the Kik group and it’s going really well so far! I went a little hyper yesterday because of it.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Let’s NOT Compare the Two

“Do you think you’re in love, Elm?”

“I… Yes. Again, yes.”

“What about the feelings you had for Ash – are the ones with Aspen stronger?”

“I’m not sure – they’re VERY different, but they’re the same strength if you think about it like that. If not stronger.”

“Yeah, but I think THIS one is better, because you had a LOT of self-hatred last time.”

“Yup. I won’t lie to you – I was in love with Ash; I’m not denying it. I mean he’s a dick and he made me feel awful but…”

“He unintentionally messed you up really badly and hurt you. I mean, Elm, you were at rock bottom and now you seem so much happier.”

“Yeah, I am. Don’t want to ever go back to that.”

That was a paraphrased conversation I had with Wren this lunch when we were queuing to get food. Before that, we’d discussed some topics that were bloody mature, which of course lead onto the topic of love. More was said, but I can’t really remember it – that was the gist.

I shouldn’t really be writing now because it’s late and I’m more or less incoherent and I hit self-loathing mode earlier, but I’m managing. I want to talk about something that makes me HAPPY.

I don’t think you can ever compare two feelings of love, or the feelings you get for two people. So, I won’t. I’ll just lay out the facts.

Ash let me experience the most wonderful friendship I’ve ever had. He trusted me. He was a lovely person and made me feel okay about myself when I wanted to just crawl away and never come back. I’ll always thank him for that.

But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly and I’m still recovering. I thought I’d be permanently screwed up and that I’d never be able to feel for someone like I did Ash. I was WRONG, and right, but mostly wrong.

Because, um, Aspen happened. Here we go with the sentimentality. Sorry about this, but this is what you get when I write at quarter to eleven.

Sometimes you get feelings that just overpower you in the best way, and you want to hold them forever. I don’t know how to explain this.

Aspen has shown me, indirectly, that I’m not totally screwed up. I CAN feel love again. I’m worth something – err yeah, I’m slowly getting convinced.

Every single damn time I have a breakdown and feel so sick I can’t actually do a thing, he’s there for me, which makes me feel RATHER guilty but there you go. He reminds me of all my good qualities and even some I didn’t know existed within me. Every time we talk, there’s a mix of humour and talking about “deep shit” – I don’t know how to say it, but I’m still surprised whenever he says “I love you”.

I wish I could talk about this better. He means more to me than I could ever have imagined and part of me doesn’t understand how I got this lucky, after the MONTHS and MONTHS of freakouts and breakdowns over Ash where I felt like my whole world had flipped over. Aspen knows about it and he can tell how bad it gets sometimes, which I thank him for. I thank him for a LOT of things.

It probably seems odd that I CONSTANTLY talk about Ash, but he was a huge part of my life and I can’t change that. He still affects me, but less so, because I have someone who can help me get through the worst of the pain. Me, thinking I was SO mature, thought I knew what love felt like when I fell in love with Ash, but that was only the surface of it. My feelings for Ash are as valid as the ones for Aspen, but they’re so different and Aspen doesn’t and HASN’T caused me confusion and pain and hasn’t broken my heart. Ash has done all of those, which is why the feelings were so different.

I won’t say either are BETTER feelings, but I’m so much more happy now than I was. I can honestly say that YEAH, I’m in love for the second time and I’m not scared of it like I was before. I CAN feel these things and it’s okay and I’m not betraying my memory of Ash. I never went out with Ash, but it still stands.

Where did this post go? I’m not sure. I’m rambling about my feelings, but I’m happy about it.

Don’t ever think you can’t feel something again, because you CAN. I’ll be here to convince you of that, along with your friends and anyone else who will listen. You’re not alone and it might hurt right now, but trust me, you WILL get through it. It’s patronising of me to say, but it’s true. Don’t give up on yourself.

I literally thought my world had crumbled when I realised I wasn’t in love with Ash any more. It was the worst feeling – or close to it – I have experienced in a very long time. But it taught me something, as everything with Aspen is teaching me something: it might look shitty now, but if I don’t get through it, I might never know what I could have missed.

I feel like this post could have been better. Soon, I’ll expand on my feelings MORE, because I didn’t really do a very good job here.

Hope this wasn’t too sentimental. for you, OR for me. I’ll probably look back on this and cringe.

From Elm πŸ™‚

It Shouldn’t have been THAT Scary

Aspen – my boyfriend – came over today, which was great because I hadn’t seen him in two weeks. I think I almost cried with laughter at one point, because I’m special like that. The day was fantastic, as things ALWAYS are with Aspen (GUYS remember when I used to write rambling posts about my then shitty love life? Hmm, that makes me sound arrogant).

Dad and I went to drop him off at the train station and as we got out the car, this guy came up to us. He talked to us, and followed us (or just walked) into the train station.

Our train station is tiny, and ALWAYS quiet, and this guy was shouting nearly at the top of his lungs. He was drunk, I could tell, and I think high as well according to my dad. I’m not sure, though.

Some of the things he said where (excuse the language)

“You got a fag?” This was said to my dad about 4 times, and to some other guys up and down the station platform.

“I LOVE CHELSEA!” (As in, the football team) He would also scream “CHELSEA!” whilst clapping his hands. By scream, I mean ACTUALLY screaming.

This was the bit that scared me. “I FUCKING HATE WEST HAM! I’d knife them I would. I fucking hate those-” Yeah and I’m not writing the next word.

Yeah. What also scared me was that he got REALLY close to us, and then he didn’t step away from the edge of the platform when the train came. He was supposed to be on the other platform for. his train, but he kept on going and then coming back to our platform.

At the start, I thought it was… I’m not sure, kind of amusing in a “WHAT’S HAPPENING?” kind of way. I was sat in between Aspen and my dad (holding Aspen’s hand in a death grip yes I’m great like that) but when Aspen left, I kind of got scared. A little.

Both of them were scared he’d get violent – well, so was I. So, dad and I got out the station, and you could still hear him, yelling and clapping and saying the same words, over and over. I don’t really know how to describe it because looking back on my words, it doesn’t seem all that scary. His voice made me feel a little scared, which is dumb because I tried not to judge him, but in the end I was scared.

I think it’s stupid to try and predict what you’d be like in a situation that’s like that, or worse, because you won’t know. You might say you’d be brave, but chances are – like me – you were actually scared that guy was going to hurt you, or get himself hurt or someone else on the platform. It’s awful that I’m saying that because I shouldn’t have really been. scared. As much as I TRIED not to judge him, it was almost impossible and I have to say, I kind of feel sorry for him.

My dad called the transport police on him, so hopefully he’s okay. I wonder what it will be like for him when he wakes up tomorrow, or if this is his life now, or what he thinks. Will he remember it? Is he going to get arrested?

Bottom line is: I was scared. Not so scared as to fear for my own safety on a MASSIVE level, but scared enough that I wanted to get out of there. I have no idea if he looked stereotypical, nor do I care, because he was just a guy and I don’t know his story, but it affected me in some way and I think it’s important to realise that, no matter what, you CAN feel threatened on the quietest of days in the most peaceful places. And that’s not a weakness, or a bad thing, because I admitted to myself that I was scared and it made me feel a little better.

I don’t want to judge the guy. That’s unfair, because I have no idea what he goes through. But when someone is standing in front of you, asking your father the same questions over and over again and then walking off to shout at other people, that kind of logic flies out the window.

Have you ever had experiences like this?

From Elm πŸ™‚

The State of Being Okay

There are some days that start off awfully, but then you realise: you know what? I’m alright.

As soon as I woke up today, I felt like everything was stifling me. There wasn’t any explanation – just a horrible, heavy feeling that wouldn’t bugger off until I got home from school. It got lighter during the day, but let’s just say the results weren’t pleasant.

I’ll admit something: I have horrible thoughts. They scare the shit out of me. The only thing that cheered me up today was having amazing conversations with Aspen, because he understands me on a level I can’t comprehend. Thank god for emotional ties to people.

It’s just… Today I was so scared. Sometimes, when I get like that, I write out my thoughts in long, rambling paragraphs, which end up becoming disjointed and terrifying. I do stupid things to myself (NOTHING SERIOUS please don’t worry) but the INTENTION is there, which isn’t good. I HAVE to do something about that, and soon, before things REALLY go to shit.

But I’m okay. That awful weight is gone – it might come back at some point soon, but I’m content with the fact that it’s gone NOW. I live for the moments of happiness and the moments where I can think clearly, without stressing or worrying.

You know what – if things get bad for you, make a list of what you live for. In fact, try doing that now, because I’m going to. It’s something that will tether me to the philosophy that people CAN love me, and that I’m not worthless and that there are still things worth left in this world that are worth it – this morning, I thought all of those were untrue and in English, I got to one of the lowest points of thought I’d ever got.

I live for:
The moments I can help my friends
When I laugh
When I feel happy
When I have days that just go perfectly
When I can make posts like these
You guys and your lovely words
When I have hope
My music and the satisfaction of writing things that mean something

You see? Originally, this was going to be a painful and horrible post, but I turned it around. It’s the best I can do in any situation, because I WANT to feel hope.

What do you live for? Maybe we’ve got things in common – it wouldn’t surprise me.

From Elm πŸ™‚

THE ANNOUNCEMENT

Yeah, so this is a LONG, LONG overdue post – sorry for saying I was going to post this about a million times before I actually did.

Alright, guys. Brace yourselves. And prepare to roll your eyes and sigh, or whatever you do when you realise the Elm’s done it again.

I, err, have a boyfriend.

Remember Aspen? If not, read every single post from this category because I’m a lazy twat and yeah…

I’m nervous of your reactions, not that I should be. You’ve seen me through it all – a lot of you have – remember Ash, Birch and Palm? Har har.

In one of my previous posts, I said “I’m not in love with Aspen. Yet.”

Ohhh, Elm, you’re SUCH a liar. Is it possible for feelings to grow this quickly? I think yes, though it’s difficult NOT to second guess myself.

It was actually quite a funny story as to how this came about – and I know it’s sudden, and will come as a shock to some of you, because my signature rushing-into-relationships always ends badly. But I HOPE this is different. You get people who you just know aren’t complete bastards and who WON’T hurt you, because it’s literally not in their nature.

So, he was in Iceland (this was a week and a half ago), and me being a clingy so-and-so, messaged him a lot. And at one point we were talking, and I said “I love talking to you.” And in what we now call the typo of the century, he said “I love you,” and things escalated from there. I said I fancied him, we talked it out, then at about 1 o’clock at night (morning?) we understood we both returned each other’s feelings. And when I say we talked it out, I do mean that; you guys know I’m the type of person to get horrendous insecurities and paranoia.

AND OH MY GOD, the feeling I got then was… Insane. I just don’t know how to describe it. Relief and the feeling you get after the most intense rush of fear has been quelled. Do you get what I’m saying – even I don’t!

I met up with him on Wednesday (a week ago today holy shit) and the Monday that just passed. We met on the internet, but something so amazing – in real life – grew out of that. It’s not awkward and it’s not painful and I don’t have to constantly think of my insecurities. Once, I said that this wasn’t just a faraway dream and I was right.

I can’t help that I’m happy. I won’t say I deserve this after the shit I’ve been through, because that’s pretentious and just no. But what I will say is that I’m glad this has happened.

We haven’t known each other long, but we know each other enough. We’re so comfortable around each other and you know what? These feelings are just as valid as the ones I had for Ash, and can grow to be even more so.

Okay guys, do I show him my blog? I’m scared if I do, but there are just some things he won’t understand about me if I don’t, unless I tell him, but I can’t lie to him. But I’m scared, because…

Some of the posts on here are really horrible. As in scary and messed-up – I’m guessing you know which ones I mean – look up “I’m Facing Up to It”, and “I’ve Snapped”. Do I trust him enough? Yes. But I’m just scared: what if he doesn’t take it seriously? What if he laughs? What if…

Fuck’s sake, what am I saying? We’re talking about HIM here!

Thanks, everyone, for supporting me through it all. I’ve been messed-up over the time I’ve made this blog, but it’s the people on here that have got me through it.

SO, that was the Announcement! I probably made it out to be worse than it was, but there you go. I’m scared of things going wrong, as I always am, but it’s okay. I sometimes think things are moving too fast, but again, I’m me and I know what my limits are and what emotional things I can handle.

I couldn’t lie to you guys. You’re the thing that keeps me holding on sometimes; I’ve been miserable occasionally and your comments make my day. You have no idea how much that means to me, and so, I won’t hide it. I consider you my friends, anyway.

Thank you again; you are truly amazing. And Aspen, if you’re reading this, thanks for putting up with me and trusting me and being wonderful. I love you.

From Elm πŸ™‚