I Fricking Bit the Bullet

I told him.

Yes. I told Birch I had feelings for him. After my last post, I decided that I had enough.

So I told him. I messaged him, saying, “Can I tell you something?” Took me a lot of convincing to let myself send that message. And then, once he’d said yes, I told him.

In summary, he said that it wasn’t awkward and that it was completely fine. Then he said that he wasn’t into getting into a relationship with anyone for that matter.

He never outright said he DIDN’T like me like that, but I’m going with the assumption that he meant it in that way. It’s safer, and I can’t get my hopes up any more. I feel a LITTLE crushed, but to be honest, the fact that he TOLD me is a step up from what happened last time. I have to commend him for that.

Yeah. It’s only just hit me what I’ve done and now I feel a bit sick. It’s a VERY long time since I’ve been brave enough to admit how I felt about someone to them – in fact, I’ve NEVER said it outright to anyone before.

I gave myself a speech before pressing that ‘send’ button. In the middle of it, I pressed it to shut myself up, then freaked. I could feel my heart thumping and straight after I Skyped Red and just had a ‘What DID I JUST DO I CAN’T SPEAK’ moment.

I was terrified, but I’m glad I did it. I’ve never felt so sick and scared in my life, besides when telling Ash certain things about myself, but this time it was different. There wasn’t PAIN when Birch said no. Not much, anyway, but it was just a resigned sort of feeling.

Yes, I’m upset. Yes, I just want something to go right. But at the same time, I’m so glad I told him.

In other news, I just had the longest and most distressing conversation with my father I’ve had in a very long time. It involved me bawling my eyes out over the fact that my mother always makes me feel shit about myself. I think he must have been worried, because I rarely ever show that side of myself to him. About my mother – long story – I’ll explain, some other time.

I’m drained. My eyes feel heavy and I feel somewhat miserable. I got back from the concert and, after my mother left to go back there, I flipped out completely. Like I never have before. It was fucking terrifying. I’m SO glad I cried, though, because it was an outlet of emotion from the Birch thing, and from the concert thing, and I needed it.

I think I need sleep. This is just an update post, really; I’m not TOO sad. I just needed the closure.

Thanks so much for reading, and thank you also to every single one of you who supported me and commented on my last post. You are all fantastic.

From Elm 🙂

Well. That’s very Disappointing

The one thing I didn’t even CONSIDER going wrong, did go wrong.

Before you read this post, read my previous one, because I honestly can’t explain the situation again.

Let’s recount EXACTLY what happened.

History is the second lesson – we had an assembly first thing. So I’m walking up the stairs, thinking: “Please don’t let something go wrong, please please PLEASE!”

I hear his voice coming from the classroom, and start to hope. “Okay,” I think. “This will be good.”

I walk to my chair, and am about to sit down.

When I realise: somebody is in my chair. I sit in the one next to it.

Yes. Of course Birch didn’t want to sit next to me. I thought that we would, but NO! He wants to sit next to Tom, a boy I didn’t KNOW he was friends with, and completely blank me throughout the lesson.

We were doing a quiz, and the quiz ITSELF was fun. But all through the lesson, I was listening to him talking to Tom and feeling ill and angry and jealous – not because he might “like” Tom because he’s not into boys, but because I wanted to be the one sitting next to him.

I’ve more or less given up. He gave me one-word responses on Facebook yesterday, so I’ve obviously done something. I just don’t see the point any more.

Maybe something will happen next year. Maybe I’ll tell him now to get it out of the way with. That’s probably what I’ll do, because I’m SICK of feeling like shit all the time and of everything not going to plan.

I WANTED today to be filled with happiness for me, because it’s the last day before the summer holidays start.

I also sit next to my friend Oak in History. He got it. I kept on having that pressure behind your eyes where you NEARLY start crying. Luckily, I didn’t, but I just felt so so angry and kept on muttering “fuck this!”

I waited for my friend Willow outside her sociology class, and basically had a breakdown minus the crying. I faced the wall and talked to Oak but I could barely speak and I could hear Birch’s voice down the corridor. I’m almost positive Ash saw me as he walked out of the classroom, because WHO wouldn’t see me? I was quite obvious.

I just feel rather hollow and disappointed. It doesn’t help that later, I have to go to a concert which I have no interest in, and which I KNOW will be terrible. This is NOT how I wanted to end my week. Or my year.

I’m so done. In the playground, Wren knew something was wrong and she hugged me and I clung on for dear life, because I was shaking.

And, well. Don’t read this next bit if you’re affected by mentions of self-harm.

I scratched my arms a little in history and then at break because I thought it was my fault. I just had enough.

Okay, sorry for mentioning that. I now feel guilty and awful for doing that.

To be honest, I just want to have a massive cry. I don’t know.

It’s not like when the Ypres trip was cancelled. I don’t want to utterly destroy myself.

But in a way, it’s similar. I HOPED, and I hoped so much that I fell further. I blame myself for that, really, because I should KNOW by now.

To you, this may all seem so whiny. “Why’s she so upset about this? It’s only a little thing!” Perhaps you’re right. To me, it’s a big thing inside my mind.

Yes, I might be misreading this, but I’m just so disappointed in myself and everything.

Sorry. It’s not anger I feel now; I’m just VERY upset. My English lesson was wonderful, and has helped a little, but I still feel utterly awful because…

Please tell me the truth – is the selfish to want someone? I’m getting desperate and that is NOT good. I can’t rebound; I won’t let myself because that hurts so, so much.

After History, I said to Oak: “Oh fuck it. I’ll just move on again.” It’s true. It’s all I do, you know? Rebound rebound rebound. He said I shouldn’t TOTALLY give up. I don’t know.

Is it selfish to want something to go right? I ALWAYS think it is.

Thank you so much for reading that.

From Elm 🙂

The Gate Has Opened, The Stoppers Pulled Out, The… I’m just going with it

Posting twice in a row like this makes me feel weird.

So. I got thoughtful today, and that’s never a good sign.

One of my friends has a girlfriend (since about 10:30 this morning). I won’t say which one, because she might not want people to know (NO one from Rl who doesn’t already know reads this but whatever).

I’m extremely happy for them (HOW COULD I NOT BE?) but it got me thinking about my relationship, or lack of.

I have History tomorrow, with Birch. If you don’t know who HE is, he’s the guy with whom I am enamoured. Yes, I like proper grammar.

I’ve had enough.

Tomorrow is the last day. I won’t see him for six weeks.

I’m going to make the most of the hour we have. It’s extremely difficult for me to meet up with people in the holidays for various reasons (blindness, unindependence, living so far away from everyone) so that’s all I can do.

Tomorrow, I’m going to… Make my feelings clear. I’m still too scared of getting rejected to actually ask him – here’s why – and so, I won’t tell him outright. However, he should catch on.

I don’t care any more. Who cares if I get hurt? I want him to know. I want to savour what I HAVE and hold onto that. It’s what I SHOULD do, anyway; I need to live a little.

Perhaps I’m feeling suffocated now; I’m not sure. All I know is that I’ve just had enough of doing NOTHING.

For those of you wondering – yes, there will be banter. By banter, I mean…. What might be construed as ‘flirting’ if you are ANYONE who is not me. Yup. I feel like such a… I don’t even know.

But I need your advice. Should I do this? Should I just let go, for an hour?

CRAP! What if he’s not there? Literally what if he’s not there? What if something else goes wrong?

If he’s not in History tomorrow, I’m telling him how I feel.

Oh god. I’m going to have to hold myself to that, aren’t I?

I’m scared; just a little. Please help? This has turned into an Elm-freaks-out-completely moment.

THANK YOU! 🙂

It Wasn’t A Dodgy Dream Seriously

I’m more happy today than I was yesterday. Yeah, that was messy.

Casually playing the London Underground song at full volume (yes, plus the swearing) because I can’t go to work experience today. WHY? BECAUSE THE TUBE IS ON STRIKE. WELL DONE, GUYS! Really outdid yourself this time!

I woke up late today. By that, I mean at about 9. Yah, I know – rebel, right?!

But I had a dream last night.

Get your mind out of the gutter! There was some romantic shit involved, but NOT LIKE THAT!

I don’t remember much about it, honestly.

Birch and I were on a school trip. Before you ask – no, I don’t know where it was. It was very strange, because I remember being with my friend Willow and laughing, but nothing of what happened and where we went or what we did. I DID, but I’ve forgotten.

What I remember was two Birch’s. I THINK. Maybe it was the same person, but I sat in between the both of them.

So, the two Birch’s. The real one, and someone… Pretending to be him?

But it was still him.

And the ‘real’ Birch SEEMED like the fake one, dulled down in comparison. It’s weird because I knew the fake Birch wasn’t Birch, but he acted so like the Birch outside my dream that… I’m so confused, what?!

Let’s call the real one Birch A, and the ‘fake’ one Birch B.

So I fell in love with Birch B, apparently. And we ‘went out’. Like I said, I barely remember any of it. I remember being dragged off by Willow whilst trying to hold Birch B’s hand, shrieking like a madwoman. I also remember us discussing changing our relationship status on Facebook.

At some points, I knew it was a dream. I didn’t want to wake up because the dream was so, so amazing. I forgot the fake Birch was fake – maybe he WASN’T fake; I don’t know. I do remember thinking, ‘I want to tell my friends about this so much when I wake up.’

It’s weird now. There are these little snatches of thought I vaguely remember, like thinking ‘Birch B is the kind of person I would like to fall in love with’.

The thing I remember the most clearly was when the dream fast-forwarded to a school day, when I was talking to Red after the trip.

“Hey, can you check your drama class for Birch?”

“Yeah, he’s here.”

“No, not THAT birch… A different one, but he’s still Birch. Birch B”

Red seemed to know what I was talking about, but I remember feeling really confused.

The dream ended.

I have a horrible feeling this is supposed to be symbolic, but I don’t care. My warped mind comes up with the strangest things sometimes.

Other stuff happened, but I don’t remember it. You know when something’s just out of your reach?

Damnit, that was a screwed up dream.

Hope you enjoyed!

From Elm

I’ve Snapped

Trip to Belgium was canceled. And if you don’t get that, look on previous posts in the Birch situation.

I’m done.

I don’t care any more.

The one chance I had, gone. Fucking GONE. Like that.

I DARED to hope. Nothing ever goes right when I hope for it. Ever. Shouldn’t have expected any different.

People are disappointed because they’ve been looking forward to it all year. But I’m upset because this was my ONE break. From everything. This was the ONE time I could be happy with Birch and have a chance and no I can’t

Because I never have a chance anyway. Ever. No point in thinking otherwise.

Why am I writing this? Never gets me anywhere. It’s just a stupid, pathetic cry for help and that’s all I am.

When I found out I walked out after assembly and this awful girl Daisy was there and she was talking about the fact that it was canceled. I was so upset at that point that I just started swearing – I don’t remember what I said. Something along the lines of “I don’t fucking care any more fuck it I DON’T FUCKING CARE!” Then, she asked me to stop swearing and I snapped, completely, like I never have before at anyone.

I screamed at her to just stop it, stop it, and she yelled “What the FUCK Elm!”

She didn’t get it. Now everyone probably thinks I’m upset – “aww she’s crying because the history trip was canceled!” NO! No, it’s not that. You don’t get it!

Had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I just kept on crying and crying and nearly screaming “I CAN’T BREATHE!” and freaking out and trying to get the tears away and it didn’t work and I always make a scene because I’m such a dramatic bitch.

Friend Pine was there, like she always is, and she said she wouldn’t know what she would do without me. She was so amazing and I think she was panicked but she helped me. I needed her and I was just so awful, and I don’t appreciate her. I just kept crying instead of saying thank you.

It hurts. I never have anything, because of my personality and I act like everything’s always awful and when I want something I become like a psycho and I’m scared

I had English after that. All through the lesson I was scared and shaking. I went to the toilet to calm. Wren was there and she helped me but I acted like a freak again and all I could do was cry and break down and NOTHING, I just feel pathetic.

Wren saw what I did to my hands and she asked me “What have you done?” and I just sobbed and said “I can’t I don’t know” I’m fucking stupid stupid stupid STUPID STUPID.

It wasn’t that bad, just scratches and why am I saying this, now everyone will think I’m a fucking coward stupid twat, and they’re right.

FUCKING MORON

JUST GO AND FUCK YOURSELF

YOU’RE FUCKING Useless no no fuck

I can’t do this.

I can’t do anything I’m overdramatic and it’s awful and people will get tired of my whining and constant breakdowns and they want happy people I’m not happy Birch doesn’t want sadness then he doesn’t want me knew it

Pathetic.

Im done.

I hate everything fuck this. I’m past the breaking point and I have no idea what to do.

I hate posting this. I hate it. I just feel too small and scared and there’s no point to posting this and I sometimes HATE reading these posts so sorry.

This isn’t the end of the world. They’ve postponed it until after the summer.

But now I have nothing to look forward to, and I’m stressed and angry and sad and worthless and I shouldn’t even be posting this because RL people will see but I don’t care any more I don’t care!

I’m not going to do anything stupid but I’m scared I will because I’m too fragile and too upset I shouldn’t even be upset but I am. It’s stupid. It’s only a little thing but for me it’s a massive thing because I THOUGHT things would work. They never did before so why should they now?

Whatever feelings fade over the summer; if he had anything for me it would be gone by September. Deal with it you fucktard

Bye

I Think this Emotion Might Stick Around?

It came to me, about an hour ago, that I really think I AM happy.

I don’t know where the thought came from, I don’t think. Or rather, it just came out of nowhere.

I wasn’t happy, before. In fact at some points, I’ve… Okay, I’m not going to say what I was about to say. It’s just downright depressing and not needed.

But you’ve seen my posts. And if you haven’t – there’s a category called Not Very Happy Posts which, well, it’s self-explanatory. Go have a look, and you’ll see what I mean.

But now, I genuinely think I’m happy. Life is… Good.

Then again, something could happen that could blow everything out of the sky. I know everything could set me off into misery AGAIN.

It’s the little things that I think about.

Laughing so hard with Birch in history that I nearly cry.

Smiling like a lunatic when I ask him:

“So, who’re you going to sit next to on the coach to Ypres?”

“I don’t know. All my friends are on the other coach – obviously I know you really well, but I’m talking about people who I’ve known for YEARS.”

“Yeah, I know how you feel. Well, um… If you want to, and there’s no one else, you can sit next to me.”

“Ah yeah, that’d be good.”

SCREAMS. So in conclusion, I MIGHT be sitting next to him on a 6-hour coach journey. Might being the operative word, because we didn’t talk much when the lesson ended to finalise it. And because I’m a moron, I didn’t wait for him before I walked down the stairs, smiling so widely my face nearly broke.

“Ey, Birch?”

“Mm-hmm?”

“Who ARE your friends in this class?”

“Well, you.”

“Yay!”

Getting emails from Hazel.

Just walking and talking and laughing with Odd, when it’s just so comfortable and funny and amazing.

Talking on Skype with Red for hours, knowing people understand me and actually give a crap.

Smiling, all the time, and laughing, and feeling so light.

Sharing an inside joke with Willow – Project France, #Albert, LEONARDO.

Bantering in English and laughing with Wren.

Having this blog, and the friends and community that comes with it, to ALWAYS help me, and cheer me up.

EVERYTHING.

And, you know, I’m trying NOT to think about Ash. It hurts too much. If he talks to me again, it’s unavoidable, but…

I think I can get over him.

I love my friends so much.

I’m happy.

He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not – WHAT EVEN!

Because I’m tired of writing depressing posts that make me miserable, I’m going to write a happy post.

Y’know Birch?

I had history with him today. It was… IT WAS…

Alright I DON’T FLIRT! Wouldn’t know how. But a lot of laughing happened. And a lot of accidentally touching forearms. And a lot of smiles. And a lot of “OH MY GOD one week till we go to Ypres!” and a lot of jokes (anti-jokes) and…

And a lot of talking when walking down the stairs. Yeah – romantic, right? HA! Willow waited for me at the bottom and we walked out together, him in front and us behind and I was so fucking happy.

So I have a friend – um, need tree name help. Yew? Beech? Beech is too similar to Birch. Rowan? Already got a Rowan.

Oak. (Thank you, Wren). Anyway, some context: Oak and I have become quite close recently after we trusted each other with things, like I told him about Ash. And he “called it” as he ALWAYS reminds me – as in Birch and I – and when I told him I liked Birch he more or less imploded whilst screaming, “I CALLED IT! DIDN’T I!”

Oak said that Birch looks at me. A lot. When we talk, he looks at me very thoughtfully, as if he’s thinking about what he says. He looks at me as if he’s happy – when I was walking with Willow, he looked at me and smiled. Though, then again, we HAD just walked down the stairs together, talking and me cackling because he told me of a time when he got his shoe caught and nearly fell over.

And Oak thinks he might POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY, have SOME kind of romantic feelings for me.

And… Maybe he’s right? Just MAYBE? Sometimes, Birch acts so… Birch-like. Funny, relaxed around me, so happy it makes ME happy, and I need that. But sometimes he just seems… I don’t know. Like I mean nothing to him – that’s not right; I don’t know how to describe it.

I’m giddy. And confused. We’re going to Ypres in Belgium on a school trip, next Friday. Maybe something will happen then. Maybe I’ll MAKE something happen?

I’m nervous. It’s not like the last time I thought someone liked me, ages and ages ago. This time, I’m not SCARED.

This time, if things go wrong as they did before and I missread the signs, it won’t be as painful. I HOPE.

This time, I really think I can do this.

Am i Me? What Am I?

My wrists feel bloody freezing and sort of… Floppy.

Er. That usually signifies a period of un-motivation.

When I say un-motivation, I mean: I don’t want to do homework. No – I mean, I physically can’t do homework. And that’s shit because, well, French, English, History… Too many. WAY too many.

I’m in that state between happiness and complete misery where I can feel the Ash memories below the surface but something’s stopping them from the things bombarding me with all that crap. I want to talk to Birch but then I just think, “What’s the point? There won’t be any substance to it.”

I want to write a story but again, I just think, “I can’t. I don’t… WANT to?”

It’s confusing. I don’t really know what I am right now. And yes, that sentence was purposeful.

I just feel really empty, which is odd because I had my music performance today which made me feel SO happy.

I’m so sorry – I can’t read blogs right now. I get panicked whenever I think about it. I WANT to, god I do, but I just feel really weird right now.

I’m not sad. Just so confused. I’m in the limbo area so anything could push me in either direction, towards happiness or complete… Shit.

I need to do something to prevent the latter option but to be honest, I just either don’t know what or can’t be bothered? Nah, that’s not it but I can’t place it.

I just feel so… Odd. I thought to myself today that I was so, so sick of everyone and I felt violently angry, and then my mood switched because music. I’m okay now. Just… Fuck’s sake, I don’t even know.

Later, I’m going to write a HAPPY post. About music. Yeah.

ARGH! I’m so lethargic, and apathetic towards just about everything. The HELL?!

I… Need cheering up. No, I need SOMETHING. Or someone. Or…

Life Updates and Being A REAL LIFE TREE

Yesterday’s post was one of the worst ones I’ve ever written, in terms of feeling like utter crap.

Luckily, I’m better now. I think. I’m GETTING better. It was mainly because of my friends, at school, who are amazing and get my mind off things.

And Birch. (Red has started to refer to my various… Loves *vomits* by their tree names which is just so awesome because y’know Elm and shit).

History was well right banter geddit m9? I just said that. I needed the pick-me-up because I had a Chemistry test (which NOBODY told me about, by the way, so I didn’t revise) and I was nearly in tears by the end of it.

There were so many jokes in History, it was unreal. I was miserable to begin with but then I just thought ‘fuck it!’ and DID NOT FLIRT AT ALL HAHAHAHAHAAAA, where did you get that impression from?! Oh my god WHAT THE OSCAR?!

Speaking of that AMAZING catchphrase – at lunch, Wren was… I don’t really know what she was doing. But Red turned round and screamed, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE OSCAR!” I nearly cried. I started screeching – I mean, he’d called someone a Twatmonger before, and he’s becoming Elmish! HE IS!

Anyway – my friend keeps on telling me Birch looks at me in history, like he’s wondering if he likes me? BULLSHIT – ANYWAY!

Hopefully this weekend I’ll be on Skype for the majority of the time, talking to ma festes friend EVA, Odd. I… Think I need to calm. Also, internet friends are amazing.

And practicing for my GCSE music performance SHITE!!!

By the way, you are ALL amazing. Thank you for your advice on my last post – I was in an awful mood and I needed the help. So thank you, again, and I don’t know what I’d do without this blog.

From Elm

Oh my God I’m a Train Wreck I Can’t

(Horrible painful post coming up. You’ve been warned)

Look. I know that people are going to try and tell me I’m not all the things I’m about to say I am. I know but it’s got to the point now where I don’t even care about myself.

I don’t know where this has stemmed from, but… Here we go.

It’s hilarious how I fail at everything.

I fail at being a nice person. I fail at helping people. I fail at accepting when people leave me. I fail at reining in my personality and I fail at preventing myself from looking for attention.

Birch is using me for homework. He doesn’t care about me. And I can’t believe I thought anything would work out because I’m too different and too serious and too just too ANYTHING. Mixed signals make me feel sick.

Cedar is a bastard and he doesn’t understand me; it’s nice to get caught up in the moment but REALLY! Grow the fuck up

And Ash. Ash hurts like the fucking hells. Whatever.

I should hate him. I shouldn’t care. He’s done nothing but ignore me for ages and I CAN’T forgive him for that, but I’m scared I’m missing something. There is something wrong with my reaction to all this.

I need somebody I need SOMEONE. I don’t know! I hate this all sometimes, I’m an overdramatic mood-switching attention-whore grudge-holding bitch.

I have no energy left.

My friendship group has shifted so drastically and I can’t deal with it. I get flashbacks of how things used to be sometimes and it hurts. I never, ever make an effort to make new friends or get to know anyone and I’m so judgemental and this shouldn’t bother me but why does it bother me? I’ve turned into a superficial idiot.

I remember conversations I had with Ash and it hurts worse and I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’ve said it all before and there’s no point. I don’t even know what I’m saying any more. It’s so numb and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to say, “Why does this always happen?” because that’s not fair, and it’s not true. It doesn’t. I don’t want to be selfish, anyway.

IS it selfish to want someone? What am I even saying!

That was awful I’m so sorry I fuck up everyone’s day because I’m a moody twat. I just need to be cheerful, hey maybe that’s why no one I EVER fancy would like me back, because I’m too serious

I’m going to go and read blogs. I’m an idiot; this is the worst post I have ever written. I’m sorry.