Why I was Shrieking in Mortification Earlier


I surprise myself with the amount of times I get REALLY embarrassed, but I suppose this time it was warranted. Maybe? Ehh… Let’s just roll with it.

I doubt you guys’ll remember him, but about a year ago, I fancied a guy who I called Cedar. Click on his name to find out more about the guy. Long story short, it was in the midst of the Ash situation, and partly crossed over with Birch too. And it didn’t work out (much surprise).

I’ve been talking a lot more to him recently, and I respect him quite a bit. We were having one of our conversations, and his friends stole his phone (y’know, as you do).

They decided to pretend to ask me out, which included sending a photo of Cedar and calling me babes. WAHEY nearly made me stop breatheing because I was laughing so hard, but I also felt sick because I wasn’t sure if he was being serious or not. I decided then to panic totally. You know that awful creeping, cold feeling you can get? I had that, because even the thought of thinking about other people in that way right now makes me upset.

Before he got his phone back, I said the following: “I mean a year ago, if you’d asked me that, I would have said yes.” OHMYGOD why did I do that; I’m mental. After we were both mortified because of the situation, he asked me.

I’m not sure why, but I’m finding it easier to admit to people what I did in the past, or in this case how I felt. Where’s the Elm that would be point-blank terrified? So for me, it was relatively alright to say, “A YEAR AGO I HAD A MASSIVE CRUSH ON YOU” – none of my subtle (hahahahahaaaaaa) hints were working, so I had to say it outright. He asked me why, and THIS is where I got so embarrassed that I felt ill.

I wrote the longest, most cringiest message, and I’ll copy and paste it here because I’m a total rebel. The thing is, I’m not ashamed of it: I will happily admit to it, because it’s a part of my life. But THIS was going overboard.

“At the time I was v. confused and felt really shitty but from about… January of last year (I think) until May, so year 10, I fancied you because you were funny and made me laugh. Also you’re nice and just really friendly, and you treated me like a normal person and not like some moron who couldn’t string two sentences together. I’m not sure really, I think it was just something that made me like you, because you were different from the person I liked previously (and at the same time sort of) because you weren’t shitty. I’m saying you WERE all these things like it’s in the past tense but it’s not, it’s just now I don’t feel like that towards you”

WHAT. THE. SHIT WAS THAT MESSAGE??!!! Following that were a whole host of others because I’m me and get paranoid (not fucking surprising because he said “I don’t know how to feel”). I’m so happy I told him, because it’s out in the open now.

After that, it was totally fine. We talked a lot more – he’s got a lot of insecurities and I really want him to talk about them because I think it’ll help him – and really, I’m just happy to help in general. But that brief moment, where I thought he’d hate me or that I was so weird for admitting it, was so… Mortifying.

Now I’m looking back on it, I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I’m helping people in my own way, to talk about things. And I’m so happy that even though it made me laugh hysterically and made my face go red, I could ACTUALLY ADMIT to someone how I felt about them, in the past.

Eeeeekkkk. Well, I don’t really know how to function. It’s a weird feeling – dragging stuff up from the past like that – but it’s helped. If it means someone feels a bit more confident in themselves, I’ll take all the screaming embarrassment.

So, how many is that now? Birch, Cedar, Hazel, S, Rapunzel. That’s strange – I’ve all had in-depth discussions with them (or just told them) how I felt or used to feel about them.

And of course, every time, it’s embarrassing as shit, but at least it’s out there. I usually say something along the lines of “Yeah, I fancied you,” or “I’ve had a crush on you for the past few months now.” SOOOO eloquent.

I hope you can take something from this post ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s alright to admit how you feel. Don’t be terrified of it.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Today can just Bugger Off

Today wasn’t so good, and that’s mostly down to a truly unwanted Ash explosion popping up in the middle of French. Ash, for those of you who don’t know, is my ex-best friend; we never ever talk, and I used to be in love with him. I trusted him so much – daamn, it’s so difficult to explain. I’ll run through what happened in French and you might get an idea.

Well. French wasn’t so great, either; I had a mixup with my homework where I apparently didn’t do it, gave it to the teacher, then she said I did the wrong one, and right at the end of the lesson I realised I actually HAD done my homework – and that caused me so much stress that I felt ill.

My stress levels kept rising because she said I had to stay behind at the end of the lesson (at the beginning) because of the homework related issue – so did Willow, a few others, and Ash. So I was feeling absolutely numb with fear when I realised I’d be staying behind with him in the same bloody room as me in close proximity. Turns out I didn’t stay behind, but honestly, I’d rather have done that then experience what happened next.

Ash isn’t good at french. As in, he’s bad at it and he knows it – he always has. He fucked his homework up – he sits at the back – and so the teacher brought a chair up to the front, by her desk, and he sat there and she talked through the homework with him. I felt terrible for him because I could tell he wasn’t having a good time of it (how, I’m not sure; I don’t know him well in real life to gauge that).

Can I just mention that I sit at the desk RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE TEACHER’s, so Ash was literally on the other side of the desk to me and I nearly cried. That’s how bad it got. The stress of the lesson, coupled with the proximity of him and the horrible guilt I was experiencing AND the pain that he never talked to me for 3 months though I don’t blame him (long story, look at the category the Ash Situation for more details) just made my head go funny and eyes go blurry and I felt so miserable that some screwed up thoughts swam to the surface of my brain.

So I was listening to them talking and I could see his shadow, even if I’ve got royally crappy vision and it was terrible. But then, she discussed my homework with me and I put the (wrong) HW on a memory stick. And I got up; the teacher asked me if she should come and get it and I SAID NO. I said no, even though I would have to pass directly by Ash to give her the memory stick.

And I did. I stood up, walked round my desk – and my TA (teaching assistant that helps me with work because of le crappy vision) said “Careful, Rorie’s chair’s in your way.”

“Don’t you mean Ash?” I mumbled so quietly that I don’t even know if I said it, but I must have done because she corrected herself. And at that PRECISE MOMENT, my horror and my pain and my fear kicked in full force, because I knew he was directly to the left of me. I could reach out and touch his desk. I actually accidentally brushed the corner of his paper with my fingers and I felt so ill that I wanted to hit someone. She spoke about my homework to me – that she couldn’t find the right one – and I STILL stood there, not doing the sensible thing and going back to my desk, but I was in a terrible mood at that point and it wouldn’t have made a difference.

My voice was so weak when I answered her questions – like, really frail and horrible, even when I was back at my desk and for the rest of the lesson.

I think I could hear him breathing. Or moving. And I just wanted to curl up and scream, because he said over a week ago to Holly that he doesn’t see why he should talk to me. Eventually, I went back to my desk at which point the teacher told me it was the wrong homework, I said I’d rather-do it by Monday but he was still there, constantly, until god knows when. I was so gone by that point that I got that awful haze or fog I had in maths the other day, where I didn’t care.

The details are really blurry now, but I’ve honestly never felt so guilty and horrified at myself. I knew he knew the effect he had on me; it was obvious. I kept on fiddling with my hands which is a sure sign, and I must have looked half-crazed. I don’t even offer up excuses.

That’s basically it. I’m sorry for the rant; it seems surreal that I’m posting this. I hope it’s okay ๐Ÿ™‚ I just feel miserable and horrendous because I caused all this crap to happen. He’s changed, I’ve changed and where was the friendship we had, and the trust? Dear god.

On top of this, I think I’m getting some screwed up feelings for Cedar – look at this page to find out who he is. It’s hard to explain.

Thank you SO much for reading, you amazing person. I’m sorry about this.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Oh my God I’m a Train Wreck I Can’t

(Horrible painful post coming up. You’ve been warned)

Look. I know that people are going to try and tell me I’m not all the things I’m about to say I am. I know but it’s got to the point now where I don’t even care about myself.

I don’t know where this has stemmed from, but… Here we go.

It’s hilarious how I fail at everything.

I fail at being a nice person. I fail at helping people. I fail at accepting when people leave me. I fail at reining in my personality and I fail at preventing myself from looking for attention.

Birch is using me for homework. He doesn’t care about me. And I can’t believe I thought anything would work out because I’m too different and too serious and too just too ANYTHING. Mixed signals make me feel sick.

Cedar is a bastard and he doesn’t understand me; it’s nice to get caught up in the moment but REALLY! Grow the fuck up

And Ash. Ash hurts like the fucking hells. Whatever.

I should hate him. I shouldn’t care. He’s done nothing but ignore me for ages and I CAN’T forgive him for that, but I’m scared I’m missing something. There is something wrong with my reaction to all this.

I need somebody I need SOMEONE. I don’t know! I hate this all sometimes, I’m an overdramatic mood-switching attention-whore grudge-holding bitch.

I have no energy left.

My friendship group has shifted so drastically and I can’t deal with it. I get flashbacks of how things used to be sometimes and it hurts. I never, ever make an effort to make new friends or get to know anyone and I’m so judgemental and this shouldn’t bother me but why does it bother me? I’ve turned into a superficial idiot.

I remember conversations I had with Ash and it hurts worse and I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’ve said it all before and there’s no point. I don’t even know what I’m saying any more. It’s so numb and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to say, “Why does this always happen?” because that’s not fair, and it’s not true. It doesn’t. I don’t want to be selfish, anyway.

IS it selfish to want someone? What am I even saying!

That was awful I’m so sorry I fuck up everyone’s day because I’m a moody twat. I just need to be cheerful, hey maybe that’s why no one I EVER fancy would like me back, because I’m too serious

I’m going to go and read blogs. I’m an idiot; this is the worst post I have ever written. I’m sorry.


HA! Cursed with the curse of the Cedar – damnit!

I can’t explain the situation with Ash at all. I’m sorry. Seriously, I am. I’m breaking about 20 promises if I do. If I’m close to you, I may tell you, but… I don’t know. I’m sorry.

I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.

I tried to ignore Ash in French – I felt so furious that I couldn’t even think. It scared me. And so, the ‘Let’s talk to him to sort this out!’ thought went right out the window. Like I said to my friend Red, I could NEVER speak to him unless I calmed completely down.

This isn’t about Ash, though. Not primarily.

It’s about Cedar – remember him? ARGH!

I share a science class with Red and my friend Odd. You know her – that awesome specimen who wrote a post on this blog?

We were doing revision today, in one of the computer rooms. The seating order went: Odd, me, some random person (no idea who), Red, Cedar’s friend Rowan (tree name because he’s somewhat important) and Cedar himself.

Fuck’s sake. I couldn’t concentrate. It was bullshit. I kept hearing his voice and silently freaking out with a mix of confusion, anger and… Fear? Nah, that’s not right – not fear, just slight alarm I suppose.

At the end of EVERY science lesson – well, nearly every one – we all have a sort of… Routine. I stand up. Odd takes my cane. Cedar comes up, with Rowan and Red (usually). Laughing, I usually find myself next to him, or very near him. Sometimes he ends up taking my cane – it’s not malicious, don’t worry. It’s hilarious. And sometimes we have a tug of war, or I try to get his hands off the damn thing. By grabbing his hands. That seems to happen a hell of a lot, but that’s just my pathetic way of trying to touch him.

Today, we were talking, I don’t remember what about. He was jokingly waving his hand in front of my eyes because I mentioned I had a blind spot (my right eye just for reference). I don’t get offended – god no! Don’t give a shit, to be honest.

All I remember was somebody – Red, perhaps? – insulting Cedar. And I defended him.

And then Rowan, bless his thrice-damned soul, turned to me. “Well done, Elm, defending your lover!”

I shrieked. Apparently it’s an ongoing joke that Cedar has relationships with everyone. There was this one time he pretended to have a relationship with me, then dumped me (jokingly) and Rowan was our relationship “councellor”. That was… Funny, and it was also before I “fancied” him.

It hurt like the damn hells. Literally I felt sick. I laughed it off, though. I always do.

At lunch, I talked to Red. I often do, now – not sure why. He knows everything, and I mean everything. Cedar came up to us at one point. Nearly pissed myself I was so scared. Then, my “friend” Holly joined us.

Holly’s, er, loud. And she makes me act irrationally and like a moron.

“I’m gonna go,” said Cedar a few minutes later. We hadn’t talked much. I wondered why the fuck he came over to us.

“Red, see what I mean?” I muttered. He did, of course.

It makes me upset. Cedar and I barely have anything in common but it’s easy with him. I’m trying to get over Ash, I suppose, but rebounding onto someone else isn’t the answer. It ALWAYS happens, though.

Damn it, Cedar! He drives me round the bloody bend. It’s like mixed signals, but he’s not even giving me that.


I am so immature.

What the hell was I expecting anyway? Part 2

So, guys. Things have gone to shit AGAIN – wow, I’m such a drama queen, it’s disgusting. Err, sorry…

It’d probably be smart to read part 1, otherwise you won’t know what the hell I’m blathering on about, and I physically can’t explain the entire situation.

Okay. Cedar. Yeah…

After things went to shit with Ash (nothing’s happened regarding that apart from that he’s kind of ignoring me?), I unconsciously set my hopes on Cedar. That involved, well, testing the waters as it were, to see how I felt towards him.

Ah… Perhaps that wasn’t the smartest of moves? Let’s put it this way: I realised I have bloody goddamn fucking feelings for the arsehole ON TOP of my feelings for Ash, and why the fuck am I such a drama queen selfish attention-hogging needy-

FUCK! Okay, I’m not deleting any of this. I refuse to edit myself.

I thought things were going fantastically – well, as good as it gets in my mind. It was Willow’s birthday today so I was really happy because I love it when my friends have birthdays.

My friend Pine, and HER friend Daisy – alright, Daisy’s not my friend. She knows about both Cedar and Ash, because I was stupid and told her.

I’m not sure when they did this, because I found out about it after lunch; it was Daisy who told me.

Separately, Daisy and Pine had asked Cedar if he fancied me.

What the fuck.

Pine is great. I really like Pine because she’s my oldest school friend. But now? Now I regret thinking I wanted something to happen because well, you should be careful of what you wish for.

Daisy told me that Cedar had said no, but that his face held an expression of “hang on, does she fancy me? Oh!”

It was then that Pine showed up. Daisy immediately asked, “Did you-”



“Uh… No.”

I was silent. Utterly fucking silent. I just stood there, and probably looked so sad, because Daisy said “PINE! You’ve ruined their… Romance!”

“There was no romance,” I snapped. And it is true. There was never anything, never will be. I’m such a fucking idiot.

Pine had to help me into the form room because I have no independence which is kind of pathetic. I remember gripping onto her hand so, so hard; I’ve never really showed how THAT would effect me before and I knew she could tell.

I didn’t get to talk to Pine at all about it, because she had to go to the school hall – not sure why. I told her before she went, “I’m sad.” That’s only really what I could say.

There’s something here I don’t know. I’m missing something; I know it.

First Ash, now Cedar – it’s selfish of me to want a break from this shit, or to have something go right. Yep, selfish. God, this post is a right mess. I’m sorry. I know it’s probably difficult to read.

Fine. When I was ‘testing the waters’ with Cedar, I overly ‘flirted’. The FUCK? I don’t flirt! It was just a…

I misjudged his actions. I thought there might have been hope, but perhaps I was wrong. Sounds familiar, right? Sounds so fucking familiar!

When everything was happening with Ash, I used to regard Cedar as a… Fallback? God, that’s awful. Elm, that’s AWFUL, and disgusting, and terrible.


I was too late. If I could have ever been early, I mean. I had all my hopes tethered on something Pine heard in engineering, and Cedar probably got over that “maybe” pretty quickly.

Something Daisy said really bothered me: “Well, I’m sure he LIKES you. As a friend. Because Elm, you’re a really nice person.”

That would have been fine, with Ash. Well, no, but I’m already friends with Ash and I know he values me.

With Cedar? Is it selfish to want more than friendship? Urgh, I should be pleased with what I have!

I can’t deal with this stupid immature teenaged love struggles. I feel so petty and childish. I’m not even joking. I don’t even know what I want to happen, or what I’m supposed to do. Or feel, for that matter.

I am so so sorry. Usually, I hate reading these kinds of posts, so I’m sorry if this was a bore or a struggle.

Thank you so much if you read all of that. I just guess I needed to get this off my chest because now I feel hollow.

From Elm

Be Calm, Like a Tree

By the end of tomorrow, I will either have a boyfriend, or my heart will be broken irreparably.

Errr, that’s rather… Dramatic. I feel like one of those stereotypical teens from one of those stereotypical romance novels with a stereotypical love interest – STOP RIGHT THERE, ELMITRON!

If you don’t know what I’m talking about (Ash and Cedar) then look at this long-ass post.

Wheee… Now you’re all caught up:

Oh my god oh my god WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!

Tomorrow, my friend Willow is going to try and find out Ash’s feelings for me. After her sociology, she’t going to ask him, and give him the name of who SHE fancies so they can both use that information if one of them spreads the other’s secret around.

That, errm, sounds rather familiar…

He’ll deny it. I know he will. I KNOW he will. Even if he DOES ‘fancy’ me, he’ll deny it anyway, because GUES WHAT?! He hates real life encounters!

I am scared he’ll say no. In fact, I’m dreading it, despite the fact that it’s the most likely outcome. It will hurt so much, because ONE YEAR of my life has been devoted to finding out how deep my feelings run.

But I’m even more terrified he’ll say yes.

Because then what?

What if I’m not ready for a relationship? What if I fuck EVERYTHING up? I don’t want to screw things up, because I want this to work goddamnit. I only ask for ONE relationship to work. ONE.

I’m scared. Really scared. I can’t stand the thought of him saying no, but what if he confronts me afterwards? I’ll tell him the truth, obviously, but what would I say?

Oh god. If he says no, what’s going to happen to me? Who knows how I’ll act. Oh god what if I do something stupid?

Sorry, guys. I’m just really, really terrified right now. Something is going to change tomorrow. Either way, he’s going to find out how I feel about him. It’s time he did, anyway…

Who am I kidding? His reaction to him finding out – what the hell? He’s my friend above all else!

Tomorrow is going to either screw me over, or make me so happy I eventually screw things over.

Bloody hell, that’s morbid.

For the love of God-


I think I should sleep. It doesn’t help that I have a mock interview tomorrow for a pretend position at a job…

HA! By 11 o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll know.


Love Triangles aren’t Bloody Romantic You Foolish IMBECILE!

Oh god oh god oh god oh god

Okay. OKAY! I need to calm down. Shall I go from the beginning?

I need your advice. I need your advice on – wait for it; wait for it-


Don’t throw up… I have a rather superficial and pathetic dilemma.

Okay. There are two boys (GAG why am I writing this?). Let’s call them… Ash and Cedar.

HAHAHAHA, see what I did there? Elm, Ash, Cedar… I’m not funny. Wow.

Ash: I’ve ‘fancied’ him for a year, and been in love with him for half that time. He’s honestly one of my best friends: we trust each other so much, and even if we’ve just recovered from an argument, we’re still friends. We still mean a lot to each other, and understand each other so much. He knows so many things about me, and I of him, that we can’t NOT understand each other. He’s brilliant, and I have serious feelings for him. Your classic teenage love shit.

Cedar: One month. Or so. As in, I’ve ‘fancied’ him for one month. Weirdly enough, I first started talking to him in science. WOW! Such cliche… Anyway: Cedar makes me happy. It’s sort of a laughing feeling, the kind you get when you’re really, really happy. It’s new, it’s different, it’s horrific, I hate it and it’s not serious. I hope.

The Cedar Situation

Yesterday, I went to the canteen to buy some lunch (because I forgot mine, yes, call me a moron). When I came back, I went to sit on the grass with my group of friends. Cedar was there, which was kind of unusual. I sat next to him, and we talked – at one point, he asked me if I wanted a flower. I took it, and as a piss take he took my cane (blind person stick thing WOW!) It’s difficult to describe exactly what happened, but I was so happy for the rest of the day.

I’ve got a friend – SCREW THIS! Let’s stick with the tree names. So, let’s call her Pine. I told Pine about the situation, and she was squealing and stuff like a lot of my friends do (blurgh).

She shares engineering with Cedar. Of course, she neglected to tell me earlier today (she actually told me in music, the last lesson of the day) THAT IN engineering, she’d asked Cedar if he had feelings for me. Aww, thanks, Pine… Still recovering from that one.

His response? “Um… Ish… Maybe… Yeah…” And the yeah was said really quietly. I have no proof apart from Pine’s word that Cedar said that, but WHAT THE FUCK?! What am I supposed to do?
The Ash Situation

Bloody hell. Right. So this happened yesterday, too.

I have ANOTHER friend (OI!) and let’s call her Willow. Willow shares a sociology class with Ash. They have that at the same time I have history (last lesson of the day) and after history, I go to meet Willow at her classroom. Yesterday, Ash and a few of the other boys were getting screamed at by the teacher (I swear she’s sexist, it’s awful). Like creeps, Willow and I listened, but the teacher saw us so we ran out of the doors. When we got outside, Willow literally started screeching and dashing about. Here’s why:

Ash sits next to a boy, called Cameron. Cameron asked Ash who he fancied, and they’d narrowed it down to the first letter of the first name, and that she was on our half of the year.

I just need to state: in real life, Willow and I both have the same first letter of our first name. So, Cameron was guessing. Three guesses later:

“Can’t you think of ANY other names beginning with E?” (I’m using E as an example).

Willow turned round. “I can think of PLENTY of names beginning with E,” she said, extremely pointedly.

According to her, Ash’s face drained of all colour, and he said, “Don’t help him!” She is now convinced he fancies me.

Oh god, I feel like such a show-off. “EYYY LOOK AT ME! Like 2 boys fancy me, OMG I’M SO POPULAR AND PRETTY AND-”

Blargh no. Sorry if it comes across that way; I don’t mean it like that. Truth be told, I’m terrified.

I’d go with Ash, any day. But I have NO proof he fancies me: in fact, he hasn’t been speaking to me recently, and most of our communication is. done via the internet. Sounds weird, but there ya go. So how am I sused to believe he loves me?

Cedar, though – the thing is, what if I pick ing ‘wrong’ one? What if I choose Ash, but it turns out he doesn’t fancy me, and then I ruin everything I had with Cedar? Bloody hell, that’s arrogant.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m terrified of asking them both, because what if Cedar asks me out? HAHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT. But what if he does? Am I completely misjudging this?

Any advice would be the best thing in the world. Sorry for the seriously long post!

I feel like such a slut or an arse. My teenaged problems are so insignificant!