That’s a Funny Feeling

I was reading when I started to contemplate love, AGAIN, and that’s a rare thing for me, because I hardly ever sit myself down and truly THINK about it. Does that make ANY sense?

I’ve been in love once before, with Ash – my previous best friend who despises me now; it’s a long story. That feeling was the most terrifying and confusing emotion I have ever felt: it threw me into the waves, brought me high on a crest, spun me round and round and buffetted me until I was black and blue all over, and though it hurt it was the most exhillerating sensation. I KNEW when I was in love – and a year ago today, I was, and I can’t shake the feeling that’s ironic. Not IRONIC, but weird, and I’ll explain why.

You remember Aspen And if not, then just click on his name, and have a look at that post because I’m a lazy bastard – at least I have the motivation to do this post, damnit!

I am not in love with Aspen.

Yet.

And that, guys, is what scares me – the “yet” part. Because these feelings have grown within TWO WEEKS of knowing him, not by my choice, and it’s NEVER a choice when I get feelings for someone, or how fast those feelings grow. I’m so scared that they’ll run away with me, sweep me along with them, and I can never do anything about them. Ignoring those feelings just makes me even more terrified.

He’s in Iceland until Monday on a geography trip, and our messages last night were lovely and made me realise how much I cared for this boy. I’m starting to think that he feels the same way about me, but this doubt is ALWAYS there, creeping into my mind, never letting me go.

All the clues point to it – Wren, Ashe, Red, EVERYONE has told me that – and I’m starting to believe it. I’m starting to think he DOES, and I can’t do that, because getting my hopes up just brings them crashing back down. I won’t think about that.

Wren said to me, in English, “It’s fucking obvious you think he’s into you!” And she’s right, actually. I DO, and I’m hoping, but is he “into me” because I’m a GIRL, or because I’m me?

I won’t dwell on it. I want to be happy, but I’m scared that I’ll get feelings too fast, or that he doesn’t feel like I do. I want things to go right, for BOTH of us, however that may be.

Thank you so much for reading. I guess I’m really happy right now, even if I have a mountain of homework to do.

From Elm 🙂

One of the Best Days of my Life

There are days that, sometimes, just go so right that you want to savour them forever and ever, and never let them go.

Before reading this, have a look at this post because, y’know, I’m too tired and too happy to explain the situation again.

So, I went to the theme park with Aspen, and it was the most amazing thing I have ever done. I don’t even know how to explain it. Odd did come – thank God – I didn’t post about the developments over the week with that, because I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

I NEVER thought it would pull through. Ever. I just thought I’d be disappointed, but it HAPPENED, and it happened to ME, and it was so much better than I could have hoped for.

Let’s do a little list of highlights:

Being with him
Talking to him
Talking to all his friends, who are actually brilliant
STANDING NEXT TO HIM like what even I was standing next to a guy who I met on the internet
Realising I actually have feelings for the guy (not so good but I calmed down)

“Hey, can I sit next to you on this ride, for the banter?”
“Yeah, sure!” (We had already gone on that ride and the second time was even better).

He nearly put his arm around me on that ride, or so Odd says
Me repeatedly mumbling “ASPEN, I’m gonna kill you aaargh I’m scared I’m gonna kill you!” and him saying, “Well then, I’ll die happy.”
Gripping onto his arm for dear life – OKAY, I didn’t NEED to do that, but I’m pathetic but shh
Shouting “JOHN CENA!” on one of the rides and nearly crying with laughter
Standing directly next to him in a shop and just thinking “HOLY SHIT, I’m here!”

Hugging him when we said goodbye.

HUGGING HIM WHEN WE SAID GOODBYE.

Stop there for a sec – I HUGGED. HIM. As in I put my arms around him. And I think he was shocked for a second but he hugged me back and texted me afterwards saying “I’m still trying to get over the fact that you actually hugged me.”

Odd is CONVINCED he is “into me”, but I’m not so sure. Apparently (I wouldn’t know this) he was giving me little glances – it all points to that he IS, but like I said, I doubt it.

I have never had so much fun. I’ve never felt so happy, or at least not for a long time. Nothing has ever gone so RIGHT, in one day, without things ruining it; I can’t believe this happened to ME.

He was exactly how I expected him to be, in real life. We’re going to meet in the half term.

Guys, it just hit me: this is real. This isn’t just a far away dream. This happened; I’m real, he’s real and THIS IS REAL. This can go somewhere. It’s not hopeless – and even if it is, who can judge me for hoping?

Also, Red, thanks for tapping me on the head and then buggering off; it was all I heard from him all day.

This day has been one of the best of my entire life, and I’m not exaggerating. Things like this don’t ever happen to me; at least, nothing so perfect (because it WAS perfect in my eyes) has just happened, without any drawbacks.

True, at the beginning, I thought it was hopeless and that he just wouldn’t talk to me, but the thing with him is that he makes EQUAL TIME for everyone, which I respect above all.

I’m so glad this has happened. Even if things go to shit within the month, I don’t care: I’ll look back on this and smile, because I needed this. He’s my friend and that fills me with happiness – ACTUAL happiness.

Thank you so much for reading. I’m so glad I can share this.

From Elm 🙂

I’ve Done It Again!

Alright, so is it possible to get REALLY STRONG FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE YOU MET ABOUT A WEEK AGO ON THE INTERNET?!

*claps* Oh, Elm, well done! You’ve done it again! Sigh.

… Let me explain, and explain many things. I’m a moron, so I haven’t been posting or reading blogs, and I have NO EXCUSE except these fucked-up feelings have sent me on a whirlwind. I’ll be honest with you guys; you deserve it, but I think you might judge me for this. OKAY, who am I kidding? You didn’t judge me when this happened the last time, but last time, I went OUT WITH THE GUY and he dumped me after 2 weeks. Okay, no negativity.

Breathe, Elm, breathe. I’ve missed using that name, actually. ARGH! Alright, here we go.

There is this app. On this app, you can set up a profile, put your location in, and talk to people around your area of the same age. I KNOW, GUYS! Risky, dangerous, weird, stalkerish, and did I mention dangerous? And weird? And risky?

I think I started using it regularly a little over a week ago, and in that time I made a good friend (the most sarcastic and amazing person you’ll ever meet), had run-ins with complete creeps which I blocked, and have talked to a lot of people I don’t like. But then again, I ALSO met… Hey, let’s call him Aspen. It’s a tree.

How the hell do I describe Aspen without you wondering how on earth I got feelings for him so quickly?

The first time Aspen and I talked, we didn’t talk much. It was your casual “Hey!” “Hi.” “How’re you?” “I’m good, you?” “Yeah, good!” conversation. But then, somehow, it developed into more interesting conversations: religion, astronomy, space, philosophy, Feminism, happiness – I don’t even know how we ended up progressing into one topic from another.

We’ve skyped, for hours at a time. I wasn’t willing to admit my feelings for him until we did. But you know what? Skyping him is as good, if not better, than talking to him via a message. Our conversations flow, and he’s my age – and he sounds it. That, I’m not worried about.

Three days ago, he trusted me with something. It’s VERY similar to the Ash situation – not the thing he trusted me with, but the exchange of personal things. And like with Ash, I will NEVER tell anyone. I was terrified, then, that I’d have feelings for him like I did Ash.

But with Aspen, the possibility of meeting up is SO close, because we don’t live far away from each other. YES, I know it’s dangerous. Let me explain.

Next Saturday, he’s having a birthday celebration at our local theme park with a few of his friends. And he invited me along – this was the day before yesterday – not thinking I’d say yes; it was a COMPLETE long shot. Except I did say yes. I have to say now that the messages we’ve exchanged are nice ones – not your average conversation; every time we speak we speak for ages about any topic, really.

“Skype conversations are good and all, but-”

“They’re not the same. I know what you mean, but hey, once we meet it won’t just be an internet thing any more.”

“Yeah, true that, and I really really want to go.”

“Just because I’m with my friends, and just because it’s my birthday, doesn’t mean you can’t tell me if something makes you uncomfortable. Okay? You can always voice your opinion.”

“Yeah, I know, and thanks.”

That’s how some of our conversations go.

I have a huge problem. Odd was going to come, but because of personal reasons, they can’t make it. Wren’s in Birmingham, Raven’s in Paris, Willow’s out with her friends and I have no one else I can go with – except Red, but he’s going to the same theme park for his drama group.

I want to go. I’ve spoken to one of his other friends, who’s ALSO on the app – we spoke independently of knowing it and then Aspen told me they were friends (I know they actually are because his friend was arranging to come round to his house yesterday).

The point is, I really want to go, because I want to feel happy. I’m going to try and ignore these stupid fucking feelings and think of him as a friend, because that’s the only thing I can do. But he’s the type of guy I could fall in love with. He’s the type of person I could have seriously strong feelings for, and it’s scaring me.

You’re probably thinking, “WHY? Why has she got feelings for him when they haven’t known each other for long? He could be a perverted, creepy bastard!” I know. I know. But I want to take the chance for once, because I want to be happy and not feel like everything I do when it comes to love is useless and stupid and POINTLESS. I want to feel normal, as awful as that is. Fact is, I’m blind (he knows this) and so I can’t go there on my own – I WOULDN’T, anyway, even if I could see.

I think I might tell my dad. My dad was okay with my relationship or friendship with Palm – my previous boyfriend – but I don’t know if he’ll be okay with Aspen. I just don’t want to have to feel like I’m a freak because I have to get people to help me.

I lied to him, though. I said I was meeting Red at the theme park, which isn’t TECHNICALLY a lie, and now I feel so horrifically guilty.

Thanks for reading. I promise I’ll read some of your guys’ blogs soon; I owe it to you.

From Elm 🙂