Finally Realising I’m Useful to People

This morning, Birch called me an absolute ledge. After choking on my laughter, wiping tears from my eyes and finally being able to breathe properly, I felt mystified. I’ve never been called a ledge before – short for legend, not the window ledge kind of thing. Because who wants to be compared to a piece of building?

To be fair, I was helping him out with history homework – like I’ve been doing for the past two years. It’s become almost a routine, broken by the holidays and any periods of not talking. I thought he thought he was too cool to ask me for help this year, because even though we’re in the same history class and he sits a seat away from me, I thought that he could ask anyone else. That I was literally nothing to him: too weird, too outside, too ANYTHING. That he’d forgotten the laughter we used to share, the conversations and the knowledge that we we weren’t quite friends, but we wouldn’t stand by if the other needed help.

Then again, why WOULD he have voluntarily sat near me if he thought I was a moron? Maybe it was a coincidence, but I think that even he would have felt a bit weird to break the routine of sitting near each other in history. Him asking me for help this morning was a jolt back to the past, where I thought that him doing that was something more when it was just him needing my help with academics. I’m not kidding myself now: it is what it is, and there are no illusions of him wanting to hang out with me after class. It might seem cruel for him to “use” me, but I – for some reason – feel secure when he asks for help? I don’t need his validation, but for someone to want to ask me for help is nice. Indirectly, he’s showing me I’m of some value to him. Even if it is for homework, it’s something; I’m the person he goes to.

That message sent me on a path of thought, where I asked myself if I WAS – and ever had been – useful to people. Useful friendship-wise, but just also resource-wise; I prefer the former, but the latter makes me feel worth something and I need all the reassurance I can get on that front because I’m an insecure pebble sometimes. To some people, they might be bitter at being wanted for shit like homework er academic advice; I used to ask myself if that was all I was good for, but in the end it makes me feel intelligent and like I’m trusted to HELP people if they’re struggling with work.

Being wanted for advice is a great thing. I don’t crave it as I once did – if I feel like nobody trusts me, I DO lock myself into a loop of feeling I’m worthless, but I pick myself up in the end. But a simple request from someone if they want to talk is one of the best feelings, because they’re showing me that they can trust me. That I’m good enough at giving advice that they’d come to me with their issues. Wren, Willow, Red, Odd or whoever: I feel like I’m properly doing something when I help someone with anything they need.

You guys have let me see that I can do things, too. Thinking I’m not a horrific person isn’t arrogant. In the Blogosphere, people trust me enough to ask advice from me, or to appreciate my words. I can shriek about my love life, or ramble about nonsensical shit, and you STILL put up with me. Friends who I’ve made here talk to me, and let me help them – with blogging, with real life, and it doesn’t make me feel like the clunky useless thing I used to feel like.

Actually making me believe I’m not just a thing that people could do without is another matter. It took S – my boyfriend – a rather long time to convince me I mean more than something to him. I still get a bit paranoid, but I get paranoid with everybody: it’s not bad, but it’s bad enough to make me question who gives a crap about me. S has shown me time and time again that he does, in fact, value my advice; he doesn’t just SAY that my advice is good but he takes it and thanks me for it. For some reason, that was a novelty for me. I’m not used to it.

Yeah, I matter to a lot of people, even if in the smallest way. My new friend in French values me because I spoke to her when she first started. The person I met at the LGBTQ+ club cared about me because I talked with her about loads of things when I could have spoken to my regular friendship group. A girl outside my form looked at me differently because my conversation was intelligent, and I didn’t just stare at the ground as I’m prone to do.

Of course, my friends think I’m reasonably okay. Alright, they think I’m nice and all that but shhh, I’m trying to be modest! They are all wonderful, and I think I’m crashing my way into believing that I’m not just a spare part to them.

Birch let me realise that it’s not just my close friends that care. It’s other people, in the littlest of ways; I’ll take all that I can get. I’ll be all that I can to as many people as I can, even if that’s just a fleeting glance or the thought that I, of all people, could help them.

Do you think YOU matter to a lot of people? If not, then try listing all the people that care about you, in ANY capacity. You’ll be surprised, because sometimes, caring’s not just about trusting implicitly. It can simply be a smile to someone who thinks that they don’t deserve one.

Screw being a spare part. I can be a whole fucking machine if I want to.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Proud, In a Way

Today was an explosion of “OMG WHAT DID YOU GET IN YOUR MOCKS TELL ME!!!” and I felt awkward doing that because I felt like I was showing off.

People did quite well – Wren did insanely well, Red too, and Odd and Willow and all the rest, but today I want to talk about Birch. If you don’t know who he is, I sit next to him in history – I used to have a huge crush on him before the summer, but that’s past now (after I got rejected eyy).

So, we still talk, but not like it was before. I have a feeling he thinks I don’t like him, which is ridiculous because he’s a great guy (I’m trying to set him and Willow up to go to prom together, and who cares if they’ve never spoken?)

We were chatting in history when the inevitable question came up: “EYY, what did you get in history?”

Me: “Err, A star?”

Birch: “You got an A star?”

Me: “Yup… What’d you get?”

Birch: “A star for one topic and B for another.”

Me (Hits the table): “YASSS!”

I didn’t show him that inside, I was doing a victory dance for him. I was thinking, “GOD, I’m proud of this guy. WHY am I proud of him?”

And I think I have an answer. In the last one and a half years, we’ve known each other – and not been friends, but he understands me a little. I used to help him with his history, in lessons and for homework, and it almost makes me feel like I helped him a little, to show him he CAN get a high grade in that subject. I’m not responsible for it, but I’m so happy that he achieved something – he’s got so confident over the last year.

Our changes mean we. never speak any more, not with the comfortable tone we used to, but that’s okay. I’m just happy for him, I guess. He was one of the ones that got me through the whole Ash shit without even realising it.

Even when they’re not how they used to be, the friendships and connections you make last, for YOU, in your mind. How I feel for Birch is far removed from what it was, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel really pleased when he gets a high grade in the subject we both share, both love, and in the subject where we first met and when I realised that living and smiling, rather than being serious, is a GOOD thing. That’s how he helped me.

If he ever saw this, he’d laugh and say it was nothing to do with me, then never speak to me again. Yeah, I didn’t help him get that A, but I’m glad I was around to witness it.

Memories of Birch bring me back to April and May, SO long ago it seems, but being reminded of the past can be a good thing.

Do you have people like that, who you used to love or like and though you don’t at all any more, you’re still impacted by the good things they do?

From Elm πŸ™‚

Who’s Most Likely To…?

I’m in year 11 and at the end of this year, we get a yearbook. In that yearbook, we’ve got a list of who’s most likely to do things – be a model, be a dictator, have the nicest personality, that sort of thing.

We filled out our sheets for the nominations today, and it made me realise how much I don’t know my year, and how little I talk to people.

As in, seriously. I couldn’t think of anyone for some of the things, and there are 300 people in our year. Here are the ones I struggled with.

Friends with everyone
Banter king/queen
Cutest couple
Best friends forever

It’s really, really sad. I don’t know the people in the year apart from my friends. I mean, recently, I’ve started to branch out a bit more, but if you ask me who’s well liked in our year, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I don’t get that camaraderie with the people in the yeargroup – I wish I did, because everyone else seems to. But well, I just don’t.

I can laugh at a joke someone says, but not be the one telling it. I’m not popular at all – and I don’t care, really I don’t. It’s better for me that way. Our friendship group’s closed off, if you think about it; we don’t mix with other people. Usually, that’s fine.

But I’m sad. I’ve missed out on so many opportunities to talk to some great people – in class today, people were throwing around names and I just thought, “God, I’ve never spoken to these people.” I felt overwhelmed and confused, because EVERYONE seemed to know a common answer and I was sat there thinking that I had no idea. And the ones I DID say, the person helping me to fill out the sheet thought were weird, when I understood them.

Really, I shouldn’t complain. People like Birch and Cedar and Cedar’s best friend know me for how I actually am – or close enough. I can think of people who I don’t hang out with in the playground, but who have spoken to me and don’t think I’m some reclusive moron. People who have spoken to me that are outside my friendship group, who I speak to, are the ones that I get confused about. I judged so many people in the past and that’s REALLY bad.

Again, I’m just a little upset. I wish I’d got to know my year more. I wish I’d spoken to people more – I spoke to this girl on the stairs earlier, randomly, but it wasn’t comfortable. I’m being more open, and I KNOW it’s not too late to make more friends or just make an active effort to be nice, but part of me thinks “What’s the point?”

I’m staying on for sixth form, but loads of people aren’t. And I don’t want to be the one set in her ways and I WANT to talk to more people. I wish I knew how, because I’m awkward and unindependent as fuck and I WISH I wasn’t, because then I could walk the halls freely and just walk around talking to people if that’s what I WANTED. Technically, nothing’s stopping me now, but I have no idea what people think of me on the OUTSIDE because I can’t see their faces, and they know that.

Wishing and wanting gets me nowhere. I SHOULD do something, but I don’t know what. I feel like it’s too late, like if I make an effort now, I’ll just get laughed at because social groups have already been established.

It’s sad. It shouldn’t be, but it is. It’s not that I’m excluded – I just don’t really make an effort to INCLUDE myself in the year’s happenings. I don’t even know who’s in a relationship within the year, or what happened at that party on Saturday I don’t go to – Birch said it was partly good and partly bad and he was acting nice and talking to me normally, not like I was some antisocial idiot, which was good. Even though he’s changed a LOT, but no matter. Making friends with him in year 10 – friends? Are we even friends; I don’t know? – showed me I COULD branch out and talk to people, even if our friendship was circumstancial as we sit next to each other in history.

For you guys, it’s not too late. Talk to someone you wouldn’t ordinarily chat to. It’s scary as hell, but give it a go. Don’t act like I do; I see my year as separated when everyone else sees it as interconnected. Does that make sense? WELL, some people see it as separated, but I feel like I’m the minority. ARGH, I’m rambling.

I hope this has made you think a little bit, because I’ve thought whilst writing. I STILL feel rather sad and EVEN a bit ashamed, which is RIDICULOUS. What’s done is done and all I can do now is just be nice to as many people as possible.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Live

There was something that Birch said to me once that at the time, I didn’t take in but now, I’m starting to take it on board. I want you to hear it too, because I think we ALL need it. Funny that, because my feelings for him at the time are so far removed from what they are now, but no matter: it still applies.

I was stressing over homework and he said something like this to me:

“Elm! What have I told you about worrying? You just have to live your life. Have a laugh. Life’s too short.”

And DAMN, he’s right. I wish I’d listened to him sooner, but I’m listening to him now. I’m listening to EVERYONE now.

Unless you believe in reincarnation, you only have one life. And even if you DO believe in reincarnation, you only have one life NOW, so live it.

I want you to know that you’ve always got support. But DON’T lock yourself away in sadness, if you can help it. Smile. Laugh. Feel as light as air and grab every opportunity that comes your way.

I’ve learned something recently. I’ve learned that no matter what, I shouldn’t take life so seriously. I’m NOT stuck in a rut of misery, because I have people to help me and besides, I’m ME and I’m here and I’m living. I’ll CONTINUE living, as best as I can.

You do that, too. It’s going to be difficult – for me, and maybe for you too – but we’ll manage. We’ll balance deep thinking and laughter, because it’s the only thing we can do.

It’s clichΓ©, but I don’t want you to just survive.

I want you to LIVE.

From Elm πŸ™‚

A Weird but Pleasant Day

So, like the title says, I’ve had a bit of a strange day – nothing “Strange” happened, just a bunch of tiny things.

I got my history coursework (first question of it) back and I got 16 out of 16. So I screamed and slammed my hands down on the desk, which was REALLY embarrassing but so worth it. And Birch – the guy I sit next to and who I used to be OBSESSED with before the summer (oh my god that’s embarrassing because he’s kind of a twat) – got 14 out of 16.

Here’s where the weirdness starts.

I was congratulating him, because I’m so damn proud of what he got; he couldn’t stop yelling “YES FAM!” and things to that effect, because we both thought we’d get shit marks. I remember him saying “This is the first A star I’ve ever got in anything that counted”. But he was being strangely nice.

A bit of context – before the summer I told him how I felt, and then after the summer he wasn’t cold towards me, but it wasn’t the same. But today, it was – but goddamn, I’m so glad I got over my “crush” LONG before this. I could never have had serious feelings for Birch, and I understand that now. Kinda makes you laugh, you know? I’m just thinking of where I am now, where I’m going out with the most amazing boy I could ever meet and DAAAAAMN, Birch pales in comparison to that. By a long shot.

The niceness – it was weird. He was actually congratulating me properly, like punching me on the arm and saying “God, well done Elm!” (HOLY FUCK I nearly wrote my real name) By punching I mean tapping me, but shh I’m a whimp… It was just unexpected, but I got absolutely no “Omfg LOLOLOLOL BIRCH LIKE WAS SOOOOOO NICEEEE TO ME xD” that I got before the summer; it was just a “Aww, he’s being a nice friend, whatever,” feeling.

PSH, though, he was nice throughout the whole lesson. Not that he wasn’t nice before, he WAS, but it was like the old Birch had resurfaced.

In fact, so many people were really nice to me today. Maybe I just didn’t notice it before, but what usually happens is I seclude myself but today, I noticed people just being nice and saying “Well done!” to me. It kind of shocked me to realise people actually cared? This girl, who I used to hate, helped me out in sociology with a quiz we had to do, and didn’t talk to me like she used to, like I was stupid.

I did my french today, as well, and managed to remember all my coursework. My friend Fern didn’t feel like she did so well, but she consoled herself with the fact that she did better than Ash, who wrote nothing.

As in he literally wrote NOTHING. If we were friends, I’d happily give him my draft so he’d get an idea of what to do, but HAHA, that’s never happening again. It was so weird, though, to find out he wrote NOTHING AT ALL.

DAMN, that was a strange day; one of my friends met his girlfriend for the first time which was fucking adorable.

How was your day, anyway? Do you ever get days where you’re like “This was such a great day, but SO weird.”

From Elm πŸ™‚

I’m Facing Up to It

Trigger warning for this post. It mentions suicide and self harm. I’m sorry about this.

I have something to say.

Yesterday, at about 11 at night, I signed up to the ChildLine website.

At the time, things in my head weren’t bad. In fact, about two hours before, I’d had the happiest half hour of my life with my sister. I knew, though, that I’d need it the day after, or the day after that, or the day after that or any day.

It’s a complicated thing. At the time of creating it, I was terrified but I felt oddly relieved. My advice to you is that if you feel awful and you just can’t do anything anymore, sign up. I’m sure it will help, because my friends have said positive things about it.

This is so difficult to talk about, but I thought I’d let you know. It will be even more difficult with real life people reading this, but you guys deserve the truth – I wish I didn’t have to say it this way. It’s making me feel cold.

There’s a point where you have to realise you can’t do this alone. Your friends help so much, but sometimes, your thoughts get so terrifyingly bad and so painful that you are so scared you’ll do something. You want to try this new thing out, to see how much it will help, because you need it. You have to face up to the fact that you aren’t strong right now.

I think the website will help me. I can get advice there from counsellors, and other people, and maybe I’ll find someone to talk to. I don’t necessarily need it, because I have a blog and all of my friends on here are wonderful, but I’m scared.

Like, really scared. I’ll explain why, and this is the part where if you’re affected by mentions of suicide and self-harm, stop reading. I know what it feels like to be triggered, and you shouldn’t go through that.

Don’t be alarmed by this next bit, please? It’s okay. I’m okay, but I need to say it.

Yesterday, and on Wednesday, I wanted to die.

Fuck. This is horrible to write down, but I need to explain.

I still can’t face up to what happened on Tuesday, but it affected me badly. On Wednesday, in maths, I fucked my wrists up with my hands so badly that the next day, I could feel it. All through the day I was screaming inside my head. Yesterday was even worse because all I wanted was for an accident to come along and kill me. That’s the truth and I’m sorry.

And today, the thoughts got even worse, because I realised how unsocial I am and hated myself all through history. History is where I sit next to Birch – look on my Who’s who, exactly? page to find out who he is because I’m exhausted.

I felt hopeless. Couldn’t do any work. I haven’t done anything to myself since yesterday, but I feel so dead that it’s scaring me.

I’m so, so sorry about this. You shouldn’t have to read this but I can’t help it; I need to scream my thoughts onto a post because this is destroying me. This is why I set up the Childline account. I need the help, frankly, and I need to realise I do.

I won’t kill myself. That’s out of the question and I don’t think I CAN explain why, as much as I want to because it’s been hurting me for 4 years. I gave too much away then. Sorry.

I can’t help feeling awful and terrible, and every time anyone spoke to me today I either wanted to cry, hit them or hit myself. I think people noticed I was miserable, but I have no energy to pretend any more. I’m done.

All in all, I need to do something about my mental health, now. I was ready to scream at teachers today because they didn’t understand, but it’s time for me to make myself feel better, in any way I can.

This is going to fuck me up for a while. I knew that the minute I did what I did that caused all this. My thoughts are still screaming at me; I feel as numb as anything, and I know my friends will be worried once I post this. I’M worried. Just don’t panic, okay? I’m here and always will be.

Yesterday, I told myself that there was nothing left to live for. I felt the whole ‘Live your life!’ attitude slipping between my fingers, and then shouted at myself and chalked it up to bullshit. I don’t think that anymore.

I still think everything’s pointless and I feel horribly weak, but I’m okay. I’m taking little steps to make myself okay.

In history, I tried to cheer myself up by talking to Birch, but it failed. He was talking to other people about a party and, like I said, I realised how much of a closed-off awful person I am.

If any of you feel awful, you can always talk to me. Talk to your friends, your family, or sign up for Childline or a similar service in your country. You shouldn’t ever have to feel alone or like the world hates you, or that you have nothing left, like I did.

You’re only by yourself if you shut yourself away.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Trying (and failing) to explain my thoughts

I’ll put it out there: I haven’t had a good day.

In one of my recent posts, I mentioned how today I would have lessons with Birch and Ash. And now, I’ll talk about them.

Just to explain: last year, I sat next to Birch in History. I developed a… Crush on him, after everything went to hell with Ash. On the last day of school, I told him how I felt and he said he didn’t want to get into a relationship with anyone. And so, for the whole summer, I’ve been terrified of this year and the prospect of being near him.

I felt physically sick before history – I have that with Birch – and, when we sat down, I originally thought he wouldn’t be sitting next to me because Kyle, apparently, would sit next to me instead.

And the thought of that made me feel so damn upset that I could barely breathe.

It turns out that it was another girl, with the same name as me, that Kyle would sit next to – I only knew this because the teacher said, “Hi, Birch! Okay, you sit next to Elm!”

“Oh, just like last year!” my friend Oak said, and then I realised and felt absolutely horrified – yet sort of relieved.

Because now, I have the whole year (until study leave) to examine my feelings and to realise what will happen with me. I know Birch, as opposed to having to adjust to someone else sitting where my mind thinks HE should be, on a fundamental level; it’s strange. I think it’s better, this way, now I look back on it – to be honest, if he HADN’T sat next to me, I don’t know what I would have done.

I have two french lessons in between the two history lessons, but I’ll talk about it as a collective thing. It’s not the same, of course: I guess the conversations were “awkward”, but his humour is still the same.

I didn’t feel anything. Perhaps that’s because it was the first day and I was in shock, or maybe my feelings really ARE gone. I don’t know. I look at it closely and I wonder what he thinks about me, because the sort of spark I felt for him isn’t there any more.

Right. Ash. Shit.

The good news is, I don’t sit next to him. He sits three rows behind me, but I was actually petrified to the point of not moving when I considered that he was in the same classroom as me. Even now, I feel cold all over because I used to trust him.

TO NEW READERS: Ash used to be my best friend until he basically stopped talking to me; he knows so much about me and I know so much about him that it’s just horrible thinking about him. It’s a very long story but the basics are that I fell in love with him (those feelings are more or less gone now).

I sat next to my friend Fern, which was a massive comfort because she knows everything that happened with him – or near enough. I think I needed it: even if it WAS chance that we sat next to each other, she could distract me.

But the whole thing: history, french, french, history – took it’s toll on me. At break and lunch, I was okay and I managed to suppress the feelings. But by the end of sociology, the last lesson of the day, my head was pounding, my vision had gone blurry and I was shaking as I got out, because I just couldn’t deal with it. It had all caught up to me.

I just felt like doing nothing. I couldn’t even damn well work, and in the taxi I actually forced myself to think about Ash. Stupid idea: I remembered more or less everything.

Whenever I heard his name or his voice, in French, I just felt empty. I felt freezing as anything.

I think it’s emptiness that I feel right now. I had a horrible realisation in the taxi that I knew something about Ash – what it is, I can’t say because it’s the one promise I’ll keep for him – and it all hit me. I knew that about him. It had happened to him. TO HIM. I had almost forgotten, in the rush of pain I got whenever he was mentioned, but does he remember that he told me?

ME?

I think I’ll stop now. I honestly can’t really do anything and my wrists feel weak. I don’t feel so well, and I won’t bore you with this.

There’s one more thing that I have to explain, though.

A lot of you said, on my post where I freaked out about today, that if I thought positively about it it wouldn’t be so bad. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but I have to explain now why it doesn’t work for me, except I don’t know how.

I knew today would be bad. That’s because… So, I knew that either way, I’d have thoughts about Birch AND Ash. In the same day, and straight after each other, which has never happened before. I knew that, even if nothing happened, I’d still have those thoughts.

That’s the crux of it: I have those thoughts, which drag me down so badly because I THINK them, and I physically can’t stop myself from thinking them. I can’t distract myself. I can’t stop the thoughts from coming whenever anyone mentions their names. If I could think positively, I would because it would make it better, but you have to understand that for me, I just can’t.

It’s just a thing that is. I can’t control it, because I’ve tried. Like I said: it’s not the things that happen, it’s the thought of it.

I almost wish more things had happened so I’d feel like my thoughts are justified. But that’s stupid.

Thanks for reading. I haven’t read ANY of your stuff and I feel terrible for it; I’m so sorry. I hope you can understand my thought processes, and a little of why I get so scared about these things.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Let the Reminders Begin!

I CAN deal with this. I know I can, but it’s difficult, and it’ll take time, and… Right, I’m not making any sense.

I’ve got a few things to talk about, so bare with me. Like I said yesterday, this is the start of a new year and my posts won’t be as great and I’m sorry.

I went back to school today, and god it was boring. Seeing my friends, like Pine and Odd and Red and Wren, was amazing, but we stayed in our form room all day.

The things that screwed me over were the timetables – when we received them, I mean – and the assembly that we had at 12 o’clock.

Alright. I’m going to talk about Birch first. It’s easier.

I got my timetable and looked through the days. Immediately, I felt ill, because on Tuesday, my lessons are as follows:

History
French
French
History
Sociology

AKA: Birch, Ash, Ash, Birch, and then in sociology I sit near a girl who knows what happened with him and I don’t like her.

History. Right. Birch. I doubt I’ll sit next to him – the thought of that literally made me feel physically sick when I was thinking about it in assembly. Just thinking about him talking to someone else like he talked to me makes me so, so sad – I have no feelings towards him any more, but the point is, I miss the friendship.

And if we don’t sit near each other, I’m going to have trouble coping. I’m going to feel absolutely god-awful because of the opportunities I’ll have missed.

And French. Double fucking French.

We don’t have the same teacher this year so for all I know, I could sit near Ash. I can’t deal with that. Thinking about talking to him in a class setting makes me want to punch something because it hurts.

I imagined the things that would be said and my wrists felt weak and you know when you feel freezing all over? I guess I felt powerless.

Now, let’s talk about that damn assembly.

I was doing okay at the start. The timetable dilemma was still smashing through my head and I couldn’t concentrate on what the teacher was saying, but my thoughts weren’t getting miserable. They were just mildly irritated.

But then, the teacher said something. I honestly can’t remember what it was because of what happened after – something trivial and small. Even when I look back, I can’t remember.

It triggered the worst set of Ash reminders I’ve had in a very long time. I felt so ill that I just couldn’t do anything.

I can’t even bring back what they were. I thought about his birthday and the fact that he said he was going to get me something for my next one, but that won’t happen. I thought about everything he’s said to me and I just wanted to cry – I nearly did, which is VERY embarrassing.

I’m not in love with Ash any more, but I was, and even if I don’t regret it, it damn well hurts.

After school, I also realised I hadn’t spoken to Willow all day or that I hadn’t spoken to her properly in at least 2 weeks and that made my mood fuck up even more. I don’t think she reads my blog any more but I don’t care.

It’s not all bad: I have my friends, and this blog – speaking of, I’m struggling to read blogs recently. It’s horrible but I just can’t do it, unless people request me to and I happily will.

Sorry, guys. On Tuesday, you’re going to get a REALLY bad post through your reader. It’s sort of inevitable because I’m terrified.

Thanks for being so supportive, and I’m really sorry about this. If this gets bad, I’m going to see someone.

From Elm πŸ™‚

PS: Dear God, I feel so damn guilty or pathetic for posting this!

And Perhaps I’m Just Sad

If you don’t like or aren’t in the mood for long, rambly, irritable posts, then don’t read this – this ticks all those boxes and even ticks boxes that don’t exist.

In this post, I’m going to mention several names that might not be familiar to new readers. If you’re confused, have a look at my Who’s who, Exactly? page. That should clear it up a bit, I hope.

I woke up too late today, but that was probably because I stayed up until 1, talking to S.

We talked about the situation that happened on Tuesday – where I’d kissed him – and I guess it helped. We said that we BOTH couldn’t deal with a year of not seeing each other, so hopefully we’ll meet up.

But then, over breakfast this morning, I just thought that I was so sick of everything.

I like S. I hate how I do. I don’t WANT to because it will hurt like hell, especially after Palm.

Yesterday, I said I was going to town with Odd. I had a brilliant time: we read summaries of books in bookshops (including 50 Shades of Grey, screw you Odd). In fact, she read me extracts. Oh god.

I went to her house and it was great, too, until she let me go on her iPod. (Sorry about this, Odd). Because I wanted to cause myself unnecessary pain, I went on to her messenger conversation with Ash and ONLY looked at the messages from 30 March, the day after we broke friends and Odd had talked about it to him. I know that’s a breach of privacy and I’m so so sorry, but I never looked at any of your other messages. That’s no excuse and I feel guilty as hell.

BANG. Hurt like hell. Hurt so badly that I just couldn’t do anything for a while. All the things he had said about me – that I’d never given him any privacy – were true, true, true. He said it in such a way that it fucking hurt and I understood EXACTLY why he didn’t want to be friends with me, because I didn’t want to be friends with me.

And this morning, it all came flooding back. What I’d done. What an idiot I’d been. Ash memories and EVERYTHING else, and memories of Palm and Birch and Cedar.

Speaking of Cedar, I’m going to call him today. We talked yesterday and we arranged it and I’m an idiot, because I don’t know how I feel.

This was a shit post. I suppose I’m just tired: I want something to go right without so much pain involved; I want to feel happiness for a prolonged period of time; I just want to not have to be on my guard and I want to think about Ash without misery.

I want to savour the Ash memories that were good, not flinch in pain every time I think them. I want to sit in history next year, either next to Birch or not, and not think about how stupid I’d been to tell him my feelings. I want to talk to Cedar normally, without fear of looking like an idiot or without fear of feelings growing that I don’t want. I want to think about S WITHOUT confusion, and without cursing the distance and time.

I really hope I’m not the only one feeling like this – in my mind, I know I’m not, but on the surface I guess I feel isolated. I’m scared about the situation with S, and nervous of Ash, and confused about more or less everything and everyone.

Sorry. I just need to get the thoughts out, so that I won’t think about them so much. Does that make sense? This was a terrible post, but hopefully I’ll write more cheerfully soon. That’s the Elm I am now.

I hope you don’t mind. Looking back, I suppose I always end up like this: posting miserable stuff, then getting happy again, then back to miserable stuff. It’s irritating.

I wanted to write more about this, but there’s nothing left to say. One day, if it’s okay with you, I think I’ll write out the whole Ash situation. From start to finish. It will hurt, but I think I need it.

That conversation with S last night though – I don’t know what to think. I was happy. We didn’t talk about US, as a couple – or not really. We kind of did. I’m just too confused because he lives FIVE HOURS away from me. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to get hurt, you know?

Sorry again! I keep on apologising. I promise I’ll let you know about the Cedar conversation and I swear, the next post won’t be sad.

What’s up with everyone? How’s school going, or how’s your holiday depending on where you live, and is everything going okay? Let me know!

From Elm πŸ™‚

Well I’m Single

I don’t really care how stupid and cliche this sounds but I’m actually crying my eyes out as I write this.

I’m single. Well that was the fucking shortest relationship ever. *claps* WELL DONE, ELM! YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO KEEP A BOYFRIEND!

Some of you already know this, but yesterday, I told my boyfriend about my history with self-harm and things like that – let me stress that said history is nothing serious at all and I refuse to pretend it is. And he was a bit weird with me after that and said he had to think on it. Me, being me, had a complete freakout on the kik chat and was convinced he was going to break up with me.

Sorry to all of you that had to witness that.

Anyway. I was right, but not for the reasons I thought. This morning, I messaged him and we had a short, polite conversation. I then apologised for saying what I’d said the night before, and he sent me this:

Ok listen
this isnt coz of what you told me, i’ve been mulling over this since wednesday. I was going to use what you said yesterday as an excuse but I thought the truth would be better. The fact of the matter is, I like you, I really do. you are cute, sweet, funny… But i just don’t feel a connection to you elm. You’re like… a really good friend but… i just dont feel it. I’m happy to talk to you over skype or the phone bt i wasnt sure of your reaction. So, yeah

I feel like complete, complete shit.

The only respite I can get from this is that he told me, and he told me the truth.

But the truth is that I’m hurt and I’m in so much pain. I liked this guy a lot and I hoped I could be happy, but that didn’t happen.

This year had been the worst of my life in terms of relationships. You guys remember Ash and all the rest of it. After that, I needed a break, and I got that for 2 weeks.

2 weeks.

Pathetic.

Part of me is trying to tell me that I deserve this, and that I’m disgusting and that I should never have trusted him. I hope I’ve learned enough to ignore that voice.

I CAN move on from this, because I wasn’t in love with him.

It’s just starting again that’s the problem. Picking myself up and having the energy to try not to rebound, but failing and getting hurt over and over again.

This isn’t my fault. This isn’t his fault. I don’t hate him at all but I’m still really hurt and I just want to scream. I’m at my mum’s house and she didn’t even know about the relationship so I can’t cry like I want to.

I’m sorry, guys. I’m not doing well at all. It’s just got too much and I know that I’m going to have reminders like with Ash and it’s going to be difficult.

To the bloggers on the kik chat, thank you so much for helping me. You were there directly after it happened, and you’ve always supported me. That means so much.

I did a post on regrets a little while ago but for this, the only thing I’ve got is pain. Maybe I’ll have something else to go along with it soon.

It still hurts. I’m going to have to throw myself back into the world, and I haven’t even thought about what will happen when I get back to school with Birch. I don’t even want to.

I’m not in a distructive mood. That’s stopped, I hope, but I still feel terrible as shit and I just want to give up. But I won’t. I promise you that.

Sorry again. I really hope you don’t mind me whinging on about this. I guess I just missed an opportunity. Oh well, whatever.

I’m not coping, but I will. I’m not happy, but I will be.

From Elm πŸ™‚