Simple Weariness

I’m just so… Tired.

As I’m sitting here, inside and out of the stifling heat, I’m finding it hard to get the words out as to how I’ve been feeling. It’s faded, to a muted roar in the background, so that now I feel numb and so drained that I can barely think.

Today was an exhausting and excruciating day of shopping. From the minute I got out of the hotel, I started to feel terrible; I was being productive this morning, and so it didn’t feel that bad. But throughout the day, I felt sick: miserable, destructive, shattered in the way that I felt hopeless.

No: I FEEL hopeless.

“Elm, don’t scratch at your chest,” my dad said, not understanding that I’d been so furious at myself before that it was the closest thing I could hurt, to make myself feel human and pain and it didn’t work. Staring up at the ceiling, a strip of light the only thing I could see, wishing I was just away from everything so I could breathe or scream until my lungs burst. One word responses. So silent that I felt as if I was barely there, only snapping once – and after that, I viciously screamed at myself inside my head.

To me, it makes no sense as to why I feel so awful. The exhaustion felt bone-deep, today and yesterday, my heart pumping anger and so much tiredness around my body that I felt ill with it.

I despise the way my family acts, sometimes. The way my stepmother doesn’t understand my basic moods; my sister, who for some reason is getting on my nerves and my dad, who laughed when i got angry. The fact that I couldn’t even pretend around them, the world receeding into a fog of terrifying grey, where the smallest things wanted to make me twist my arms behind my back, or test just how far my wrists could turn. I called myself pathetic, yelled it at my stupid mind, because I couldn’t fucking snap myself out of my stupie daze.

Life feels like it’s spinning out of control. Back in England, I actually felt like I had my shit together, whereas now when I don’t do my homework I can’t entirely blame it on myself. That’s messed up: the fact that I find it so much easier to tell myself I’m disgusting than to realise it’s not my fault.

Nothing could give me energy today. I feel listless, broken almost, in the sense that my responses to everything are dulled. They think I’m tired, and I am: just not because I’ve had no sleep.

I’m tired of feeling like this. My body feels weak, and all I want to do is curl up and scream. Everything feels pointless, stupid, and the only thing I’m looking forward to is after the dreaded Result’s Day.

I have a feeling I’ve messed loads of things up to do with friends. Played with people’s emotions, not been myself, not talked to them enough. I still don’t have a clue what to do about my love life, and the answer should be simple enough, but it isn’t.

God, I can’t even explain to you why I feel this way. It usually comes naturally, the words flowing out of me so that I feel better, but now they’re hitting a block and only getting passed it in bursts.

I don’t want to go out tonight. I want to sit here, wallowing like the sad piece of shit I am. It came to me today just how exhausted I am, how much I feel like life is stretching before me with no glimmer of anything positive, much. Yes, there are the odd things that will happen, but right now I feel so negative that I can’t see them.

I flinched away from physical contact, earlier, my shoulders stiff and my eyes dead. I’m so done with most things, and I’m shouting that this is attention-seeking, that I should stop talking and live my life and move on from this.
It’ll get better, I say, if I stop contemplating it too much. But I know that if I don’t write at least some of this down, I’ll want to die later on. I already think I’m not worth much, so it doesn’t make much difference, but it’s the principal of that matter.

To be honest, I feel rather childish. Like if I just try harder, I’ll feel better; this is supposed to be a HOLIDAY. I almost feel as if I’m throwing a tantrum, that my family thinks I am, or that posting about this is a dumb idea. But who knows, it might help me to sort out my muddled emotions.

Writing about this has helped, in some way. I still feel tired, and so blank, but it’s lessening a little. My throat’s choking up from the fact that I’ve not done any homework today, and that I’ve been so incredibly sulky and acted like a baby, but I don’t give a shit.

I’ll try and swallow back my self-hatred, even if that means faking being happy. I sometimes wonder why people bother with me, or why I botheo with myself, but then I remember that people do actually like me and that there are reasons for that.

I’m sorry. I haven’t written such a disjointed post in a while.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Guilt?

I’m feeling… Urgh today. (Urgh isn’t really a word, but shhh roll with it). I don’t really have the energy to write this post but I’m gonna have to because you deserve to know. Ehhh.

In fact, I’m actually quite irritated that I feel bad. Today, I had a great day with Odd and some of our other friends where we basically went around shops and walked by the river. I was so happy to spend time with friends, so why am I so upset now?

Yay, I just thought I’d shout my words onto a screen and onto this blog thing to see where it goes. Oh GREAT, let’s explore Elm’s feelings at the same time she’s figuring them out!

I’m going to get shit for this, and I know it, but sometimes I wish I had never told any real life people about this blog. I love them, trust them and realistically I couldn’t have kept it from them, but now I’m in a situation which I literally can’t talk about. I know that I couldn’t have done this without them – kept up this blog, because they always support me – but I just wonder sometimes. Would I feel more free? It would feel deceitful, though, to talk about what happens with my closest friends. Because I’m not that disgusting, I won’t do that.

It’s not even one situation. There are about three situations right now that are making me feel miserable, none of which I even want to discuss with anyone – not my real life friends, not on the blog, because I can’t. I just don’t care enough at the moment; I don’t want pity or sympathy.

God, I’m so pissed off. I was so so positive earlier, and over the last WEEK even, and now I’ve taken a total nosedive. And for what? A pathetic thing that is my fault. I appear to enjoy blaming myself which is so damn annoying.

URGH I can’t even speak about it, so what’s the point in posting? I’m frustrated, upset, worried, confused, bitter. All those fun emotions are zooming around in my head, plus a heavy dose of guilt. So heavy, in fact, that I kind of want to break something/my fingers?

Oh wow. Wow, wow, wow, I haven’t wanted to do that in a long time. I’m starting to get a little worried for myself, so I think I need to go and calm down, shut myself away, and not go into self-hatred mode.

The majority of the time, I tell myself the following things: You’re irritating. And attention-seeking, don’t forget that. You did that, it’s your FAULT, now deal with it. Stupid fucking baby child. Get a DAMN GRIP and grow the hell up and stop being such a stupid bitch. You thought you had good intentions but nahhh.

What’s bothering me? I don’t know. I don’t even see the point in explaining to anyone, because I’ll just make people feel guilty and then I’ll feel worse. I always do this, don’t I? When the slightest thing happens, I whine, make it all boo-hoo look Elm’s all sad now, and not even think about consequences or anyone else. At least I try to but I don’t in the long run.

What the hell is this post? What’re my thoughts, that they’d make me go back into the cycle of disliking myself, and then disliking myself BECAUSE I have no reason to.

I blow things out of proportion. If anyone in real life reads this they’ll think I’m so stupid and pathetic because I’m not the issue here. Why do I make things about myself and then go all ape-shit crazy noooo I haaaaate myself on a situation? It makes it worse for me and especially other people because it just prolongs things and makes them into a bigger deal than it is.

I’m just going to shut up. I’m so sorry for this: I hate writing negative posts. I know none of you will understand what’s happening and I’m sorry, but sharing this blog with people I know in real life plus paranoia have consequences. I’m happy to deal with them because if real life people didn’t read my blog, they wouldn’t understand me as much.

I make myself feel sick sometimes but that’s okay. Over the last two years, I don’t appear to have learnt a single thing and that’s upsetting me more than I can think. I had a conversation with my mum today about how much I’d progressed but that seems to have shattered.

There’s no point to writing this at all. I’m just so negative, and I ask for attention and get scared when I get it. I’m also needlessly worrying people.

I’m going to get in shit for posting this but then it will just affirm to me I’m not the greatest person. I make mistakes so I need to improve.

Ehh. I need sleep. I still want to punch myself in the ribs but that’ll pass. I won’t do it because it doesn’t achieve anything.

Eek I’m sorry if you had to read that. I REALLY REALLY hate writing stuff like this, especially when I walk the line between real life and the blogosphere. It’s thin and precarious and I feel so so guilty, so much so that I can almost feel it crawling over my skin. Oh well.

I hope you have an amazing day, and always keep smiling.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Love too Fast, Hate Too Fast

I was thinking about my personality today and got terrified, and then ran down the self-loathing road. I think I need to talk about it to make myself feel better, and to let myself FEEL the emotions.

I’ll just say it: I think about people in a romantic light way too quickly. It’s not that I “fancy” them – I just think, “What would it be like?”

And I truly hate that side of me. The part of me that fucking SWOONS when anyone’s nice to them. I don’t even know how to articulate this. What I do is I talk to someone, then think they’re nice and all that, and THEN invest my time and emotion into them, but not ALL my time and emotion, because the rest is devoted for curiosity about other people, my friends and my hobbies. I’m not committed, and I fixate on people and JUST NO

I’m just… What the hell? I’m confused and angry because there are about 3 people, right now, I could see myself “fancying” (that word makes me feel sick), but then the entire cycle will repeat again.

The worst part is that I recently broke up with Aspen, and what person moves on that quickly and considers other people THAT QUICKLY? It’s not respectful to him, it’s not okay and I’m not okay with me being like this.

It’s scary and confusing because I have no idea what I feel, and I DON’T want a relationship. I have no idea what I want or what’s right to feel and my head is a total mess.

Like I said, there are people who are amazing and great and I NEED to wait all these feelings out so I know which ones are real, and which ones are just brought on by the fact that people were nice to me.

I don’t know. I’m scared that feelings will run away with me, but I NEED to focus on my schoolwork and everything like that. Hating myself has to be pushed to the back of my mind, because really, I don’t exactly care enough to go on an I-hate-myself rampage.

Does anyone else have this, where they love too fast, and hate themselves too fast afterwards? Because that’s my problem.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I’m Sorry that I Think They’re Human

I’m so angry right now that I could hit something, but I won’t. And yeah, I’m writing this in school, but I need to get it out.

There is a girl in my form. Let’s call her B. I’ll give some background info here.

I have NEVER liked B. I thought – and still sometimes do think – that she’s rude, irritating, and appreciates no one. The teachers “pick on her” for it – oh SORRY, I meant they tell her off for rule-breaking because some people don’t conform.

B and I have had arguments in the past. But today, I decided I was going to set that shit aside. She sat next to me – the other seats were all taken – and the teacher was telling her off for being insolent/rude/whatever, like she always is (because it’s true, she is, but for God’s sake let me get to that ARGH!).

When you hear someone getting picked on, right next to you, it makes you feel awful. Even though they MIGHT deserve it, you STILL want to stick up for them. This is how our conversation went, starting with me, then B etc.

“Why do they always pick on you?”

“I don’t know. Not like I’ve done anything.”

“Yeah, exactly. You don’t do anything wrong.”

“Yeah, exactly!”

“I just think it’s unfair. Why do some people always get picked on just cause they have a reputation?”

“Yeah, my reputation isn’t all that bad.”

Yep. And you know what? I’m PROUD of myself for talking to her, because I used to be so terrified about talking to people that didn’t like me/who I didn’t know. I wanted to show her that some people didn’t just think of her as some rule-breaking rebellious bitch.

Oh wait, sorry. I got in trouble.

I get how it could be construed as rude. I UNDERSTAND that. The teacher said something like this to me, at the end of the lesson, and it was broken up by me going “Yeah,” “Hmm,” “I understand.”

“Elm, I really don’t appreciate you saying that I was “picking on her”. You say you were trying to help but I don’t think I quite believe that, from what B told me earlier. Some people don’t conform – some people get into trouble – and they have to be told off. I know you never get into trouble, apart from once in form…”

Yes, Miss. I understand. I understand that you don’t appreciate it and that B might have gone behind my back. I UNDERSTAND that it was rude and that maybe I shouldn’t have stuck up for someone who has a habit of breaking rules and chatting back to teachers, but YOU KNOW WHAT?

I can’t believe I got in trouble for doing something nice. I’m actually furious, because I was attempting to help B. Perhaps it didn’t work, but I wanted her to know I thought it was unfair, because it IS. Yeah, some kids may deserve it, but I have NO idea what B goes through every day. The teacher doesn’t. And sometimes, I want to tell people it’s unfair.

Now, I’m going to have a reputation for sticking up for the rulebreakers. For being rude to teachers and siding with students who don’t conform to our school’s. stupid expectations. I don’t care, though. I said in one of my previous posts that I was going to talk to people I wouldn’t usually talk to and be nice, and this is just the first step. Maybe B didn’t appreciate it, but no matter.

Pine helped me out a lot. I was crying after I got out of the form room and I missed 20 minutes of chemistry, but I was and still AM so angry that I can’t think. I don’t want to keep my head down and put up with this shit. People might not care, but I’m so done with hearing people get picked on. I just snapped earlier and felt angry at it all, because we have NO idea what people. go through.

I’m still angry I got in trouble, for the simple fact that the ONE TIME I want to do something nice for someone I NEVER talk to and actively avoid, I get called out for it. I’m not trying to be the victim in the situation; I’m trying to prove to people that kindness costs nothing, even if being “kind” is acting in a way that someone MIGHT find rude.

This has just shown me that my reputation for being a so-called ‘good’ student is about to flip upside down, at least in that teacher’s eyes. Another teacher – my physics teacher – saw me crying but I’m okay with that because she understands.

Sorry, Miss, if I treat people like they’re human. Sorry if I’m concerned. Sorry if I want to make sure people are okay, even if they do stupid things and are rude and horrible.

I may have been “reckless” today, but I don’t care. I may have come across as a rude bitch to my teacher, but I don’t care about that either. I hope that I’ve managed to make B a little happier – and if not HAPPY, then I hope she knows that I actually care. I respect her a little more.

Thanks for reading. I really think that everyone should take one little moment out of their day just to check if someone’s alright; I know it’s patronising of me to say that, but just go for it. See where it takes you, even if you DO get in a bit of trouble.

From Elm πŸ™‚