Today’s The Day!

Not going to lie, I’m very mildly terrified, because today is Prom. As in TODAY. WHAT. THE HELL.

It feels like I’ve been preparing for this for so long, and I’m worried it won’t live up to expectations. To be honest, I think I’ll just wing it – because I’m nervous, I think I’ll run through the plan.

I’m going to get my makeup, hair and eyebrows done at 2. HELP!!! I don’t know what I’m doing. On Monday, I got my dress properly adjusted so that it ACTUALLY fits, which made me feel great. Trust me: I never get fully made up, so this will be a weird first for me.

Red and I agreed to go with each other, as friends, over a year ago. That’s still going on, so I’m going to his house at about 5:30. After that, and after his mum and mine take about a billion pictures, we’re going to Pine’s house (my oldest friend from secondary school) for a sort of pre-prom.

Here’s where it gets complicated. Originally, I was going to go to my friend Holly’s. My entire friendship group’s going there, but I decided to go to Pine’s because Red and I both just wanted to. Pine’s always been there, and I am SO grateful to her for everything she’s done. I feel unbelievably guilty for just abandoning my group, and I love them so much; I don’t want them to think that I hate them because that’s as far from the truth as you can get.

I’m getting even more nervous now, but a friend of mine – S – said I’d be totally fine so I’ll TRY and believe them. Breathe, Elm, breathe!

After the Prom, I’ve roped myself into going to an afterparty. WHATTTTTT!!! I was going to go to Holly’s, but I decided not to because when will I ever get the chance to go to a proper party again? It’s undoubtable that there will be drugs and insane amounts of drinking, but I’m okay with that.

There’s just one minor, tiny, TOTALLY INSIGNIFICANT issue. It’s hosted by Ash and one of his friends. The Ash. The fuck am I doing? He said it was totally fine that I could come, but still, I’m SO incredibly scared because:
1. It’s Ash.
2. I hate drugs.
3. I’m scared Pine will abandon me (I doubt she will).
4. It’s my first REAL party after Ivy’s birthday one.

When it comes to things like this, I’m a total disaster. Today, though, I’m just going to LIVE my life and to hell with the consequences. It’s rare that I let myself go, let all my inhibitions fly away, because I’m scared of losing control.

If I “get with” someone, that’s okay. Now’s a good enough time to do it, because it’s Prom and I’ll actually feel confident. Who knows what’ll happen? All I know is that tomorrow, there will be a long post, detailing exactly what went on the night before.

Elm, at a party? HAHAHAA! Elm, kissing random people and not feeling miserable afterwards? Woah, holy shit! I’m telling myself it’s not wrong to do that, because I won’t be playing with people’s emotions and it’s fine. I can do this.

Although I’m nervous that my dress will look terrible, my makeup will go wrong or my hair will look like a train wreck, I’m just going to enjoy myself. Maybe it won’t live up to how I wanted, but I’m going to get as much out of this day as I possibly can. Why not? I’ll be with my friends, and with people I can get to know; I’ll be free to actually show my year what kind of a person I am.

I want them to see me, and I want myself to truly appreciate who I am. This is long overdue, and now’s the time to do what Birch always said: live.

From Elm πŸ™‚

It’s not the End, and I’m Glad

Let’s grab your attention and shock the shit out of you and myself: today, Ash and I spoke for the first time in a little over a year. To find out who he is, visit this page. Here’s how it happened.

I spent the day with Red and Ivy – two of my best friends who are fantastic. We walked around the town, laughed at stupid things (I cried because I laughed so hard), took pictures of birds and sat on the grass. GODDD it was amazing and I felt so happy; I needed a distraction from the stuff that’s been going on recently. Also, I can never think of mirror selfies the same way again, so thanks for that πŸ˜›

It was over lunch that I broached the subject of Ash, and how I’d been thinking of messaging him over the past few weeks. It’s true: recently, I’ve just been wanting to do it, to see how it would go; to prove to myself I COULD. The two of them didn’t judge me at all – in fact they were bloody supportive. After we walked around for a bit, we went and sat on the grass, chatted and threw grass at each other, and that was when I messaged him.

I’d talked about it with them, got a little scared, but then just messaged him saying hi – that was all. It worked, really; I couldn’t say anything else. It felt freeing, and like I could really do this. How do I express this?

I then wouldn’t think about it – I told myself, “Don’t obsess. You did that last time, and it’s okay – he’ll reply when he replies.” Ivy reminded me to check now and again, but it didn’t turn into a constant worry; I’m proud of myself for that. After I’d sent it, I felt really sick but that was the only time when I properly freaked. Luckily, they were there to help me, and we turned it into a symbolic thing without making it overly serious.

He DID reply, and I’m so happy that when I saw, I only got the slightest twinge of “WHATTHEFUCK is going on???” I was relatively calm, which is surprising; it kind of shows me that I’m way more okay with what happened than I thought. YESSS.

God, it feels so surreal. You know when you just experience things and you ask yourself, “Is this ACTUALLY HAPPENING?!”

I think what propelled me to do this was that a few days ago, Aspen (my ex-boyfriend who I really respect) messaged me which made me unbelievably happy; he and I have conversations from time to time but we hadn’t spoken in two months before he’d messaged me. That made me feel like the past was in reach, and that it was okay to do this; I’ve been feeling like I NEED to get closure for things. Aspen was the first step, and I think now WAS the right time to message Ash

Our conversation is very formal – asking how each other is, how exams are going. But it’s something. My heart’s filling with so much happiness right now, because I took that first step. It may seem like I’m dragging up the past when I shouldn’t, but it actually doesn’t feel like that. I’m no longer that girl who would wait for his messages and wonder, “Does he hate me; what have I done wrong; am I awful?” I’ve grown.

Sorry, I’m feeling so emotional at the moment and I’m not. sure why. Just the fact that I’ve opened the door to something that used to cause me so much pain, and when I opened it I was FINE, makes me feel so happy for things to come. I doubt that Ash will attach any significance to my messages, because we aren’t exactly having a heart-to-heart, but it’s important to ME.

It’s not the end of Ash and I. There’s still more to the story, still things unsaid, but that’s okay. You don’t always have to tie up all the loose strings – well, in our case, pick up the thoughts scattered for miles.

I won’t make this in to a massive deal. I’m posting this here because I want to – need to. My blog started with Ash, and throughout it, I’ve gone through stages of loving him and hating him. My emotions towards him now are… Neutral. That’s surprising.

Yes, he’s turned into a horrible person. He gets high every day, I’m pretty sure, and has been known to beat people up. That doesn’t stop me wanting to look back on things, and for wanting to show myself. that I can speak to him without screaming. It’s in the past, but I can still talk; I want to show him that we don’t have to be strangers.

Red and Ivy are the only ones that know. When this is published, so will you and I’m happy about that. The majority of you won’t have been here in the midst of everything to do with Ash, but I think you can understand. He was the first person I fell in love with, the person who showed me what being so openly trusted felt like, and the person who smashed my feelings into the ground and kicked them, without realising. Someone like that’s always going to be important. I haven’t told any of my real life friends, but if they read this then they’ll know.

Even if I may get backlash, or questions as to why the hell I’ve done this, you have to understand my reasons. It’s for me, and for everyone who used to cry over someone who never, and could never, love them back.

If you’re thinking of getting back in contact with someone who once meant the world to you, think about it before you do it. Ask yourself, “Will I be okay afterwards? Will I be able to deal with whatever happens?” If your answer is yes, grab it with both hands. You can do this.

It’s not the end. It’s not the end of my past, because it’s in reach. I CAN be strong enough to talk to Ash, in fact, I AM. Today is not the end of our conversations – though I may message him with a simple hi every now and then, that’s not pathetic. It’s just… Okay.

I’m okay. I’m happy. I’m going to take this and learn, and hold the past with no tears in my eyes.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Let’s, Err, Talk Real

Hii!

So, I made a voice recording. It was kinda… Difficult to talk about? I don’t actually know how I managed it without stuttering or shaking, but yeah. I wish I didn’t sound so needy, but it would mean a lot if you’d take a listen.

You can find it here – and before you faint in shock, yes, it’s on youtube, because I wanted to make it more accessible. Is this a good idea, d’you think?

Remember that if you’re made to feel awful, get yourself away from whoever’s making you feel that way. You are fantastic, and strong, and it’s OKAY to say you’re being treated like crap.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

It’s Okay to Be Proud of Myself

I’m exhausted and shouldn’t be writing a post and why does the top of my arm ache a LOT? Argh.

Today, I felt really bloody miserable – this was about an hour ago. And so, I wrote what I call an ‘inner blog post’, talking to myself about how I feel. It’s a good way for me to realise what my thoughts are, and to get them out if they’re WAY too messy to go on a post on here.

Usually, I write them when I’ve had a breakdown, and I feel self-destructive and violent towards myself. In the ‘posts’, I often rant at myself, calling myself a ‘fucking idiot’ or such things. All in all, I beat myself up.

EXCEPT TODAY, I DIDN’T. I wrote it in second person, calmly (mostly calmly anyway) talking it through, and telling myself that I HAVE learnt from the situations I was talking about. The ‘post’ isn’t finished, but I’m going to leave it as it is, because otherwise I would have just rambled on and ON.

And it’s okay to be proud of myself for this. It might not seem much to you, because it wouldn’t to me if I had no idea of the context, but if I Ever show you guys any of the ‘posts’, you’ll understand me when I say it’s not pretty at all. It’s horrible. This one, though? I can read it without crying.

The ‘post’ was on the Ash situation. As in ASH, who I’ve cried over multiple times – who, whenever I talk about him, makes me WANT to cry. But I didn’t and I don’t want to and I’M OKAY. After 6 awful months, I’m OKAY with it. Not good, but okay. GOD.

Maybe I’ll show you it tomorrow, if you want to read it.

When you achieve something, no matter how small, be proud of yourself. You deserve to be, especially if it’s something you did for yourself and something you just felt happy with. THAT’s more important than anything else. So remember: don’t just think, “This was bloody insignificant and I shouldn’t be talking about it.” Think, “This is GOOD, and I will be okay, one step at a time.”

From Elm πŸ™‚

A Jumble

I’m not in the mood to write this kind of post, but EH, screw it. It’ll be short because I’m tired and I’m SUPPOSED to be sleeping (Rebel I know).

I know my dad’s worried about me, because he asked me if I was sad today. I said I was alright, that I’d manage, that I was just tired – but I KNOW he knew there was something up. He distracted me from it, which helped a little.

But, this is weird. I don’t KNOW what’s up. Or rather, I do, but it’s too stupid to explain.

Today, I cried over Ash for the first time in a very long time. I was speaking aloud, to try and get my thoughts in order, and I just… Cried. Ash was my ex-best friend,and I know I go on about him a LOT, but I can’t help it.

A year ago, Ash was everything to me. How am I supposed to erase that part of my life? I’m not ashamed of it – just so, so sad. That was a beautiful friendship for three months, then it went to shit and carried on going downhill. I’m half glad it’s over because he’s horrible now, but I miss the old Ash.

For now, I’m going to stop thinking about him. It’s safer, because that empty space I seem to have inside of me just feels hollow. Usually, I’d want myself to think about it, but not now. It’s not needed.

Is THAT why I’m upset? Perhaps. Maybe it’s because my sister’s having one of her bad days. I haven’t explained about her, but I’m too scared in case my dad finds out. I heard she was sad, so I got sad, then got angry for feeling sad, I also felt sad because I snapped and was rude to my mother and didn’t talk at dinner. THAT was just horrible of me.

Hmm, I’m alright. I’m not sad any more – missing old friendships, confused and trying to calm down my nasty temper I ALWAYS seem to get at the slightest provication, but I’m okay.

See what I mean – this post is short, and disjointed and jumbled, but I’m so fucking tired. I’ve got no right to be sad, and I’m NOT sad, but I think I need sleep. I’ll write WAY more coherently tomorrow.

Dad just came into my room, saw I hadn’t got changed, and I know he thinks I’m lazy/hopeless. It kind of makes me disgusted, though I’m too tired to hate myself right now.

Thanks for reading, everyone. How was your day – I feel like I’m ALWAYS talking about mine.

He Sits BEHIND ME

URGHNNNHHHGGGRRR I have NOT had a good day! SIGH. Just calm, Elm.

Yeah. In physics I felt goddamned excluded and I don’t know why – I focused on learning but felt just so incredibly miserable because I didn’t understand it, had to get the teacher to help me and felt awful because my VI helper TA person (blind thing urgh c’est compliquΓ©) sitting next to me so I couldn’t talk to anyone and when I tried – butting into a conversation – this boy told me I wasn’t even included and then laughed in a joking way but it hurt like hell and argh.I STILL don’t understand the work and nearly cried in the middle of it and my lovely Physics teacher knew I wasn’t okay but she didn’t ask too much, she just KNEW, which was good because otherwise I really would have burst into tears.

I have a test tomorrow and I need to revise for it and I feel sick, because I haven’t revised much yet. I got a maths past paper I have to do for next week and if I don’t do it NOW I’ll do it at the last minute, and I have to think through my history coursework – you know what? Screw that; I have enough notes that I can plan it a little tonight and just write tomorrow.

So, I’m stressed, and I’m angry; nothing knew – but it’s not a self-loathing anger. I just feel a little sad.

Because I was bored, I messaged Palm saying “Hii” – Palm’s my ex-boyfriend who I went out with for two weeks in the summer. PSH. I’m not sure why I did that, because as much as he’s a nice person, we don’t really speak. Ever. And he’ll probably end up reading this and he’s just sent me a voice message and urgh…. This is ACTUALLY stressing me out for no good reason.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but now – on Thursdays (not on Tuesdays thank God) Ash sits directly behind me in French and I felt sick because he was actually here today. Goddamnit, I STILL can’t hate him even though I try, because of that knowledge I have that he DID appreciate my friendship. BASTARD. SOOOO immature, Elm!

I’m tired. REALLY tired. Whenever anyone asks me if I’m okay, my response is always “Yeah, I’m just tired.” That’s true, but not the whole truth. I shouldn’t lie.

The thing that’s keeping me together is that on Saturday, I’m having my birthday party and Aspen is going to meet all my school friends and it will be amazing. Less than two days to go – and the people there are my close friends, and I’m so happy that there are ones there that I would never have confided in last year. It shows you how friendships can grow.

Has your day been okay? Like I said yesterday, I started the Kik group and it’s going really well so far! I went a little hyper yesterday because of it.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Let’s NOT Compare the Two

“Do you think you’re in love, Elm?”

“I… Yes. Again, yes.”

“What about the feelings you had for Ash – are the ones with Aspen stronger?”

“I’m not sure – they’re VERY different, but they’re the same strength if you think about it like that. If not stronger.”

“Yeah, but I think THIS one is better, because you had a LOT of self-hatred last time.”

“Yup. I won’t lie to you – I was in love with Ash; I’m not denying it. I mean he’s a dick and he made me feel awful but…”

“He unintentionally messed you up really badly and hurt you. I mean, Elm, you were at rock bottom and now you seem so much happier.”

“Yeah, I am. Don’t want to ever go back to that.”

That was a paraphrased conversation I had with Wren this lunch when we were queuing to get food. Before that, we’d discussed some topics that were bloody mature, which of course lead onto the topic of love. More was said, but I can’t really remember it – that was the gist.

I shouldn’t really be writing now because it’s late and I’m more or less incoherent and I hit self-loathing mode earlier, but I’m managing. I want to talk about something that makes me HAPPY.

I don’t think you can ever compare two feelings of love, or the feelings you get for two people. So, I won’t. I’ll just lay out the facts.

Ash let me experience the most wonderful friendship I’ve ever had. He trusted me. He was a lovely person and made me feel okay about myself when I wanted to just crawl away and never come back. I’ll always thank him for that.

But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly and I’m still recovering. I thought I’d be permanently screwed up and that I’d never be able to feel for someone like I did Ash. I was WRONG, and right, but mostly wrong.

Because, um, Aspen happened. Here we go with the sentimentality. Sorry about this, but this is what you get when I write at quarter to eleven.

Sometimes you get feelings that just overpower you in the best way, and you want to hold them forever. I don’t know how to explain this.

Aspen has shown me, indirectly, that I’m not totally screwed up. I CAN feel love again. I’m worth something – err yeah, I’m slowly getting convinced.

Every single damn time I have a breakdown and feel so sick I can’t actually do a thing, he’s there for me, which makes me feel RATHER guilty but there you go. He reminds me of all my good qualities and even some I didn’t know existed within me. Every time we talk, there’s a mix of humour and talking about “deep shit” – I don’t know how to say it, but I’m still surprised whenever he says “I love you”.

I wish I could talk about this better. He means more to me than I could ever have imagined and part of me doesn’t understand how I got this lucky, after the MONTHS and MONTHS of freakouts and breakdowns over Ash where I felt like my whole world had flipped over. Aspen knows about it and he can tell how bad it gets sometimes, which I thank him for. I thank him for a LOT of things.

It probably seems odd that I CONSTANTLY talk about Ash, but he was a huge part of my life and I can’t change that. He still affects me, but less so, because I have someone who can help me get through the worst of the pain. Me, thinking I was SO mature, thought I knew what love felt like when I fell in love with Ash, but that was only the surface of it. My feelings for Ash are as valid as the ones for Aspen, but they’re so different and Aspen doesn’t and HASN’T caused me confusion and pain and hasn’t broken my heart. Ash has done all of those, which is why the feelings were so different.

I won’t say either are BETTER feelings, but I’m so much more happy now than I was. I can honestly say that YEAH, I’m in love for the second time and I’m not scared of it like I was before. I CAN feel these things and it’s okay and I’m not betraying my memory of Ash. I never went out with Ash, but it still stands.

Where did this post go? I’m not sure. I’m rambling about my feelings, but I’m happy about it.

Don’t ever think you can’t feel something again, because you CAN. I’ll be here to convince you of that, along with your friends and anyone else who will listen. You’re not alone and it might hurt right now, but trust me, you WILL get through it. It’s patronising of me to say, but it’s true. Don’t give up on yourself.

I literally thought my world had crumbled when I realised I wasn’t in love with Ash any more. It was the worst feeling – or close to it – I have experienced in a very long time. But it taught me something, as everything with Aspen is teaching me something: it might look shitty now, but if I don’t get through it, I might never know what I could have missed.

I feel like this post could have been better. Soon, I’ll expand on my feelings MORE, because I didn’t really do a very good job here.

Hope this wasn’t too sentimental. for you, OR for me. I’ll probably look back on this and cringe.

From Elm πŸ™‚

A Dream or a Nightmare?

HOW do I write about this? It’s already fading from my mind.

Last night, I had the most painful and heartbreaking dream I’ve ever had, and it was about Ash – my ex-best friend, who I used to be in love with; we never, ever talk any more.

I don’t remember much about the dream now, but I do remember the realistic quality of it. We were talking, and I’d met him – somehow – outside the textiles block.

I asked him “Why?” And I think it was “Why do you do drugs?” “Why did you hurt me?” and just “WHY?!” And he gave a good explanation – what that was, I don’t know.

I think our conversations went a bit like this.

“Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you help me… Walk to the playground?”

“Yeah, sure, but you’ll have to tell me where it is. I can’t remember, because I never go there.” (That was a lie, because in reality, he does).

A sort of “argument” ensued where we were trying to find it, and it was a mix of the new and old Ash. I think HE was the one to approach me, can’t remember why.

I remember holding his arm, and talking about my fear of open spaces – which he knew I had – and walking with him, asking if he was going to feel awkward and worrying so much. And being with him – at one point his friend came along, and we talked for a little but he was Ash, the Ash I knew. His friend was a total dick, and I wish I remembered more.

When we got to the playground, my friend Holly (who is his friend) was there, but he ignored her and continued talking to me about all the shit we’d been through. And Wren was there and she freaked at me because she knew how much Ash had hurt me. We were all on the benches, and I think Ash was crouched on the ground and we just talked and I thought it would be awkward because of my friends – before, we’d stood at the entrance to the playground and I felt only fear, and I asked, “Is this okay?”

It was surreal, and felt so life-like – I wish I’d written about it when it was fresh in my mind. There was NOTHING romantic about the dream, but I just felt my heart breaking throughout, because part of me knew it wasn’t real.

And then I woke up, and just felt empty inside; I’d had a dream before the Ash one but for the life of me, I can’t remember it.

I’m okay now, but I’m a little sad. I sort of felt a twisted nostalgia, like I was remembering a time that hardly ever happened. It’s so, so difficult to describe.

Thanks for reading, and sorry about that. I’m not UPSET, I just remember a lot of things. I get like this sometimes, but it always passes, so don’t worry.

Have you ever had a dream that just stuck with you, or felt so real that you can’t forget it?

From Elm πŸ™‚

No Point in Missing It, Because It Will Happen Again

I was buying some books today (mostly romance) and it came to me that I want that kind of meaningful relationship you read about.

Ugh, wait, no. That’s not right; I can’t get my words to work. Give me a second.

I got a horrible ache in my chest when I was reading earlier, because I remember what it was like to feel what those characters felt for each other.

Whatever way you look at it, from whichever angle, viewpoint and perspective, I was in love with Ash from about October to June. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s part of who I am and it made me grow as a person.

But I miss the thumping in my chest and the feeling whilst we talked and the simple action of air moving in and out of my lungs whilst I thought about him, as if it had a weight to it. I miss walking whilst thinking about him and the simple, fundamental reassurance I felt.

Do you, or did you, ever get that? Just knowing what was up and what was down when it came to him; knowing he’d be there?

But you know what? I’m not sad, at all. I’m happy. I’m thoughtful, but happy.

I’ve lost that feeling. Like something’s missing from you, I suppose, and it goes numb but you can still kind of feel it. It’s like a fingerprint: it can NEVER feel the same, with anybody else. Ash had his own heartbeat in my mind and it will always stay that way. Does that make sense? It’s like a specific pattern, too complex to put down on a page or to talk about.

I can learn new patterns, though. Have them seared into my mind and my heart as much as Ash’s is. It’s not a bad thing.

I reflect on Ash now and it still hurts. I don’t think I can ever move on from what happened, from what we said and all the memories, but they’re in with his pattern. It’s part of what makes it him, to me. Remember, no regrets?

But I can find that feeling again. In a book, you always want a character to end up with a specific person. God knows I hate it when a character breaks up with someone in a book, and I hate love triangles.

Life doesn’t work like that. With life, you go through relationships. With life, you can have so many patterns embedded in your brain but you know them, or think you know them.

I miss Cassia, too; I know that if I’d spoken with her more, I would have loved her. France was something I’ll never forget.

When you’ve been in love, what they did and what you did will stay in your mind forever. You’ll feel there’s a hole that you just can’t close. You’ll feel like crying over reminders that make you unable to move and it’s a sad, dark truth that I’ve never avoided and I admit that.

But I know, one day, I will fall in love again. I know that sounds arrogant, but so be it; I won’t deny that I fall in love easily but I know that at least once more, I’ll have that deep, insurmountable feeling again. I miss that solid feeling, though. I almost WANT a meaningful relationship when I can love the person without fear, but I won’t push that idea onto someone.

Thank you so much for reading. I guess I’m just reflecting on things, like Ash. I never had anything with him, but I loved him, and it showed me that even though I’m fucked up from it and I’m still hurting, I have the capacity in MYSELF to fall in love.

From Elm πŸ™‚

And Perhaps I’m Just Sad

If you don’t like or aren’t in the mood for long, rambly, irritable posts, then don’t read this – this ticks all those boxes and even ticks boxes that don’t exist.

In this post, I’m going to mention several names that might not be familiar to new readers. If you’re confused, have a look at my Who’s who, Exactly? page. That should clear it up a bit, I hope.

I woke up too late today, but that was probably because I stayed up until 1, talking to S.

We talked about the situation that happened on Tuesday – where I’d kissed him – and I guess it helped. We said that we BOTH couldn’t deal with a year of not seeing each other, so hopefully we’ll meet up.

But then, over breakfast this morning, I just thought that I was so sick of everything.

I like S. I hate how I do. I don’t WANT to because it will hurt like hell, especially after Palm.

Yesterday, I said I was going to town with Odd. I had a brilliant time: we read summaries of books in bookshops (including 50 Shades of Grey, screw you Odd). In fact, she read me extracts. Oh god.

I went to her house and it was great, too, until she let me go on her iPod. (Sorry about this, Odd). Because I wanted to cause myself unnecessary pain, I went on to her messenger conversation with Ash and ONLY looked at the messages from 30 March, the day after we broke friends and Odd had talked about it to him. I know that’s a breach of privacy and I’m so so sorry, but I never looked at any of your other messages. That’s no excuse and I feel guilty as hell.

BANG. Hurt like hell. Hurt so badly that I just couldn’t do anything for a while. All the things he had said about me – that I’d never given him any privacy – were true, true, true. He said it in such a way that it fucking hurt and I understood EXACTLY why he didn’t want to be friends with me, because I didn’t want to be friends with me.

And this morning, it all came flooding back. What I’d done. What an idiot I’d been. Ash memories and EVERYTHING else, and memories of Palm and Birch and Cedar.

Speaking of Cedar, I’m going to call him today. We talked yesterday and we arranged it and I’m an idiot, because I don’t know how I feel.

This was a shit post. I suppose I’m just tired: I want something to go right without so much pain involved; I want to feel happiness for a prolonged period of time; I just want to not have to be on my guard and I want to think about Ash without misery.

I want to savour the Ash memories that were good, not flinch in pain every time I think them. I want to sit in history next year, either next to Birch or not, and not think about how stupid I’d been to tell him my feelings. I want to talk to Cedar normally, without fear of looking like an idiot or without fear of feelings growing that I don’t want. I want to think about S WITHOUT confusion, and without cursing the distance and time.

I really hope I’m not the only one feeling like this – in my mind, I know I’m not, but on the surface I guess I feel isolated. I’m scared about the situation with S, and nervous of Ash, and confused about more or less everything and everyone.

Sorry. I just need to get the thoughts out, so that I won’t think about them so much. Does that make sense? This was a terrible post, but hopefully I’ll write more cheerfully soon. That’s the Elm I am now.

I hope you don’t mind. Looking back, I suppose I always end up like this: posting miserable stuff, then getting happy again, then back to miserable stuff. It’s irritating.

I wanted to write more about this, but there’s nothing left to say. One day, if it’s okay with you, I think I’ll write out the whole Ash situation. From start to finish. It will hurt, but I think I need it.

That conversation with S last night though – I don’t know what to think. I was happy. We didn’t talk about US, as a couple – or not really. We kind of did. I’m just too confused because he lives FIVE HOURS away from me. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to get hurt, you know?

Sorry again! I keep on apologising. I promise I’ll let you know about the Cedar conversation and I swear, the next post won’t be sad.

What’s up with everyone? How’s school going, or how’s your holiday depending on where you live, and is everything going okay? Let me know!

From Elm πŸ™‚