He Sits BEHIND ME

URGHNNNHHHGGGRRR I have NOT had a good day! SIGH. Just calm, Elm.

Yeah. In physics I felt goddamned excluded and I don’t know why – I focused on learning but felt just so incredibly miserable because I didn’t understand it, had to get the teacher to help me and felt awful because my VI helper TA person (blind thing urgh c’est compliqué) sitting next to me so I couldn’t talk to anyone and when I tried – butting into a conversation – this boy told me I wasn’t even included and then laughed in a joking way but it hurt like hell and argh.I STILL don’t understand the work and nearly cried in the middle of it and my lovely Physics teacher knew I wasn’t okay but she didn’t ask too much, she just KNEW, which was good because otherwise I really would have burst into tears.

I have a test tomorrow and I need to revise for it and I feel sick, because I haven’t revised much yet. I got a maths past paper I have to do for next week and if I don’t do it NOW I’ll do it at the last minute, and I have to think through my history coursework – you know what? Screw that; I have enough notes that I can plan it a little tonight and just write tomorrow.

So, I’m stressed, and I’m angry; nothing knew – but it’s not a self-loathing anger. I just feel a little sad.

Because I was bored, I messaged Palm saying “Hii” – Palm’s my ex-boyfriend who I went out with for two weeks in the summer. PSH. I’m not sure why I did that, because as much as he’s a nice person, we don’t really speak. Ever. And he’ll probably end up reading this and he’s just sent me a voice message and urgh…. This is ACTUALLY stressing me out for no good reason.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but now – on Thursdays (not on Tuesdays thank God) Ash sits directly behind me in French and I felt sick because he was actually here today. Goddamnit, I STILL can’t hate him even though I try, because of that knowledge I have that he DID appreciate my friendship. BASTARD. SOOOO immature, Elm!

I’m tired. REALLY tired. Whenever anyone asks me if I’m okay, my response is always “Yeah, I’m just tired.” That’s true, but not the whole truth. I shouldn’t lie.

The thing that’s keeping me together is that on Saturday, I’m having my birthday party and Aspen is going to meet all my school friends and it will be amazing. Less than two days to go – and the people there are my close friends, and I’m so happy that there are ones there that I would never have confided in last year. It shows you how friendships can grow.

Has your day been okay? Like I said yesterday, I started the Kik group and it’s going really well so far! I went a little hyper yesterday because of it.

From Elm 🙂