I’m a Little Bit of a Mess

Hi,
One thing that people start to realise about me very quickly is that I hardly ever do something someone tells me to straight away. It’s taken me months, for example, to be able to understand I need help and to properly implement that, with the encouragement, logic and screaming of my friends. It takes me a while to do absolutely anything because I try and reason why it would be a bad idea but finally, finally I did something.

This is a really quick post to just say, well, sorry for vanishing off the blogosphere for a few days. I know that this is my blog but I care about you guys and so not reading your blogs or not having the motivation to do it has wrecked my mind a little.

Truth be told, I don’t feel great and I’ve been ignoring it, yet again. I’m still unsure as to exactly why; it’s partly stress and partly that overwhelming terror you get when everything’s too much and you feel cold; you can’t breathe from it. I don’t know. I’m sad when there’s no logical reason why I should be.

Last week, I spoke to my Head of Year and cried my eyes out for 20 minutes. I wasted a bunch of tissues, sobbed, shook so hard that I violently panicked and was utterly unable to articulate what was wrong. We eventually came to the conclusion that I was sad, it was okay but that I was thoroughly unused to not coping publically. I’m going to see her this week too; I’m scared because I know I’ll panic and repeat the words “I don’t know,” “I can’t” and “I have no idea” a lot. I don’t like it. Not having a proper channel for my worries is making me skittish.

I hide things. On the surface, I tell people I’m not feeling good, I’m tired and that I’m not okay but I don’t often say why. It’s a coping mechanism because if I start talking, I won’t be able to stop but it’s also because sometimes it’s effort to trawl through my mind’s complicated maze-like thoughts. I never know what I feel or don’t feel and I’m so desperately sad sometimes that I want to scream, so lonely with no explanation that everything feels hazy.

Everything with which I used to gain enjoyment is now less fun; it’s worrying. I still sing, write, blog, talk to people but it doesn’t have the same fire for me. In my mind, I know it’s temporary, that it will pass and I’ll get that spark of life but for now, I don’t feel happy and I don’t feel like I have a purpose with it. It makes me sad as I want to truly love the things I do.

Luckily, I have something now with which to get this out. My head of year isn’t the perfect solution – she’d tell my parents if she started to worry a lot, which she inevitably will. My dad knowing about my fears is okay but with my mum, she treats it like it’s nothing and like it’s normal, like it’s your average teenage phase. Is it? Am I making this all up? Am I just being an overdramatic lazy bitch? I hope not.

I told her about my blog. I felt like I had to: as it’s a huge part of my life, it’s something that will come up in conversation in order to let her properly understand what’s been happening. As well as that, she’s emailed all my teachers to tell them I’m feeling anxious, all the time because as I said to her, “I feel sad every day.” For now, I’m going to talk about the shallower things to her but when I feel a little more comfortable, I may get onto the paranoia, self-hatred, anger and insecurity. That is, if she’ll properly listen and not brush things off – she has never done that, though, so it’ll be okay.

There are still things I’m happy about, like my friends and the laughter that still comes easily. I’m going to write about the open day I went to on Saturday which made me feel more connected to everything. It’s not all ‘doom and gloom’, as my mother likes to say. It’s just that at the moment, I’m trembling, my eyes are watering and I feel freezing.

If this is the first thing you’ve ever read from me, I’m not even going to apologise and say ‘this is not the usual me’. It is the usual me sometimes and that’s alright. To know a person, you have to know all their parts: good, bad and things in between.

Never apologise for feeling how you do and expressing those feelings; I feel more free and liberated. I didn’t plan this and haven’t thought much about what I want to write. I’m writing this at night, meaning that all my filters are down and I can post this tomorrow without feeling intensely guilty. What is there to feel guilty about, though? There isn’t a thing wrong with helping yourself by telling the people who mean the most to you a little of what’s really wrong.

I still don’t know how I properly feel. Sometimes, you don’t have to know. However, I’m on my way to analysing those feelings. Even though my friends forced me into it, going to see my head of year might just be the thing that forces me to acknowledge that I do have feelings and that I should deal with them, rather than pushing them aside and running.

You’re human. A human can only take so much until they break from the strain of trying to keep things together. Breaking is okay and natural; you aren’t pathetic for it. Telling people you’re an unexplained mess is something you can do. You don’t have to have reasons; you just have to feel. Remember that.

From Elm πŸ™‚

“God, I’m Scared of You Now!”

6 words.

6 words that are cycling through my head – which I heard, 3 minutes before I started writing, from my mother as she walked out of my room and closed the door, saying “What the fuck?” as she did so.

1 minute later, I put my hands around my throat and squeezed until I felt sick, then got that awful hollow feeling where my world flips upside down.

Scared of me.

She was plaiting my hair, because she likes to do that – it’s one of the things I let her do without turning all psycho violent on her because I’m a stupid fuck. Afterwards she said something like, “Should we put something on your face?” whilst she looked at it. By that I mean, put some cream on to clean my skin up.

And I said, in this horrible, dismissive voice, “Oh, I’ll do it later,” whilst my body stiffened and I acted so hostile that now, I want to burn something. I got defensive, angry, snapped at her because I hate my face on occasion anyway.

There’s no excuse. Whilst I’m sitting here, I’m shaking, with what feels like disgust and IS disgust crawling through my veins. I’ve never looked at it, but really, I treat her like shit.

And why?

Simple: or, well, not. I hate actually admitting that I’m a terrible person, or that I treat people unfairly and horribly, because I try to act nice. Not the aggressor, or the terrifying unhinged daughter who scares her mother.

Scared of me.

Oh, fuck. Who am I? Who am I that I’d treat my own mother like that, regardless of her personality? NO ONE deserves to be snapped at all the time, treated one day with happiness and the next with anger and sudden changes of mood. Obviously, I’m not the person I thought I was, because I do all of these things and it’s not fair on her. There’s no reason why I act like this; it’s just me, me thinking I have the FUCKING RIGHT to get angry when she wants to just clear up my skin which would make me happier, anyway.

I don’t know why. I feel sick with myself, REALLY sick, because on all the other occasions where I’ve felt this self-hatred, my mother said something slightly nasty to me – she might not have meant it, but that’s not the point. This time, it’s me. It’s my fault, and it can’t just be fixed by ignoring it.

Shitting hell I hate myself. I hate myself, I hate myself, hate hate hate and I’m becoming incoherent. Okay. Get a fucking grip.

My sister, mum and I are going out for dinner in about half an hour. I’ll have to apologise – HAVE to? No. I NEED to apologise. In every single argument we have, I always say sorry, even when it’s not my fault. Pity it is this time now, though, because I can’t hide under a rock and whinge that it isn’t REALLY me to blame, because it is.

I never thought I was capable of being so… Horrible. Mindlessly horrible, thoughtless, and prone to such anger. It’s upsetting me, and making me want to rip into my skin. I won’t, because it’s not worth it.

It’s strange – the level at which I’m overthinking, hating myself and then that I’m posting this. I’m scared. I’m scared of myself, like she’s scared of me. How can I pretend to be a good person when all I do is shout at my mother and act so viciously? It’s not what I’d want in myself and I make myself feel sick.

I’m really sorry. My sister wouldn’t understand, neither would my dad; I’m trying to actually DO something rather than wallow in hatred and let this carry on. Times are moving on, and I’m going to be left in the dust because I’m a girl who treats her relatives like utter crap, so I need to be better. I’ll try to hold onto the fact that people admire me, respect me and understand me. I need to be nicer and not be such a horrible, terrifying, worthless bitch.

But I’m scared. I’m so, so scared.

From Elm πŸ™‚

UPDATE: I just apologised to her, and she said it was fine – her exact words were “Don’t worry, it’s fine; you snap at me all the time anyway so I should be used to it!” I feel a little better, but not much honestly.

Some Days

Do you ever get those days where you just…

Feel like shit? Absolute, mind-numbing CRAP? Yup.

I’m feeling better now, and I really don’t want to talk about it, because there’s nothing TO talk about. I’m just… UGH. I feel weak as shit, and it was worse throughout the day.

Again, y’know those days that are just a mess, when things go to hell, when you want to curl up into a ball? Wahoo…

Sorry for the screwed up writing style; I’m just exhausted. TOO tired to do much, really.

So, this post is a sort of random piece o’ crap. Just me being me and chatting.

I really want to post about something, soon, but I’m scared I’ll get judged?! As in, I’m scared of people thinking certain things about me. MEH. I really shouldn’t, but I do.

Also, I have a thing I want to ask for advice on later; I need to get the go-ahead from a friend first. You know who you are muahahaha.

How has your day been?

From Elm πŸ™‚

Looking On, HORRIFIED

I’m going to talk about something that I have talked about, constantly, for the last… Hmm, 9 months? You’re probably sick of it.

Ash got excluded today for beating someone up. A guy took his hockey stick after PE, apparently (heard this from someone else), he asked him to give it back, the guy didn’t, and he punched him right in the face.

Yup, this is the Ash that I fell in love with before, who I talked about in this post, way back then, and in EVERY SINGLE subsequent post, there’s been something negative, something relating to pain. In that first post, I described him as the kindest person you’ll ever meet, someone who you can trust and trusts you back. Because THEN – and not even then, 4 months before that – he was that to me.

And now, this is the Ash that is a drug addict. The one who is failing most of his classes. The one who messed me up so badly, even if it WAS my fault; the one who beat someone up and not just SOMEONE, but multiple someone’s.

I’m horrified. I’m absolutely horrified; I’ve been in a state of pain all day, ever since I found out; it’s sort of numb. He’s so far removed from the guy I used to know, used to fucking LOVE, that it hurts. Where did it go? What happened? WHY is he physically hurting people?

I was in love with that boy. THAT boy. Except, I guess he wasn’t who he is now, if that makes sense? It’s still a shock to the system, though.

I don’t think people quite understand. People who know me will ask WHY I was in love with him, even though he was horrible, even though he’s now gone off the rails even more than I would have expected. Even though he hurt me, and it took me three or more months AFTER that to stop loving him, in about June last year.

God, it’s horrible to remember. I’ve not thought about this properly for a very long time, really considered everything. I realise now that it was a poisonous thing, only bringing me down, but it doesn’t make it less real. I grew the hell up through it, realised that people can be awful.

THESE are the reasons why I fell in love with him. Why, even for his flaws – and I KNEW them, as sure as I knew his good qualities. When you love someone, you don’t ignore the flaws, you just know they’re there because nobody’s damn well perfect. And that’s why I’m in love with Aspen and it’s not damaging, like Ash was.

He helped me. He trusted me. He KNEW what friendship was like, and he could talk to me without treating me like a moron. He was kind, considerate, and he UNDERSTOOD why I felt like shit, and talked it through with me. The one thing I can hold onto is that our friendship WASN’T fake, and in the times he helped me, he genuinely meant it.

I knew him, and there were things I understood about him that other people didn’t; I wish I could say I was boasting about that but the point is, he TRUSTED me. And then he broke my heart, not his fault though.

It’s funny. When you’re dwelling on something, it takes logic out of it. You second guess yourself, looking back on a time long gone and wondering what the fuck happened. THEN, you realise:

Oh god, I’m so glad I got out of that. I know I’m not the cause for what’s going on with him now, but maybe the shit I did – though not SERIOUS – was just another nail in his “coffin”. That makes me feel sick, and so I know that if he ever contacted me again, I’d shut him out. I’ll adopt his philosophy: once I trust, the trust is absolute but once it’s broken, there are rarely second chances.

Now he’s how he is, and though I can safely say I think he’s a pretty terrible person, I still get… Well, it’s not a loyalty I have to him, but rather a CONCERN. I used to be friends with him, and he was a bastard, and people don’t get why I WAS friends with him when everybody else thought he was horrible. There’s got to be a reason as to why he’s like this, something serious – are there still vestiges of the old him left?

As cruel as this is, and as much as I’m shaking violently whilst writing this, I don’t care if there is.

Sorry for writing all that. You probably will be VERY confused, but this is just a way to get my thoughts out. I’ve had almost a year of locked in hurt, but I’m alright. There might be more Ash posts over the next few months, as it starts getting into the year-since-everything-went-to-hell crap.

Thanks again for, well, reading. You’re great.

From Elm πŸ™‚

“Is Elm Up to Her Little Games Again?”

I’m done. Absolutely, fucking, irrevocably done.

FUCK.

I’m sitting in French, next to Fern and next to her is Willow. Willow was (IS?) one of my best friends and I trust Fern. And literally all I know is that I hate myself.

Elm: Heyy Fern?

Fern: Yah?

Elm: I, urm, was talking to Holly when she sent you a particular message…?

Fern: Fuck’s sake.

Elm: Well what do you think of her?

Fern: Oh nothing you’ll just tell her anyway. (She didn’t say that in a mean way, just stating a fact).

Elm: Oh okay.

FUCKFUCKFUCK

I’m sick with myself because it’s probably true. I spread rumours, all the time, spreading spreading spreading until BANG some shit happens, then I go weeping to my friends like a pathetic fuck.

How can I act like a good friend when I’m KNOWN for doing things like this? For talking to someone, then telling someone about it, over and over? I did it to Ash, Holly, Fern, even RED for god’s sake.

I most likely feel so shit because Fern and Willow are talking and I feel left out. Everyone is laughing around me and I’m sitting here moping with my ears burning and my eyes feeling like they’re going to spill over and it’s DAMN WELL PITIFUL. Ash is in this room and I talked about him with Holly too. God I feel like crying. God god god god

I am DISGUSTING. I am unhinged. What shit I did in the past is catching up to me AGAIN, all the rumours I unknowingly spread and all the stupid things I did.

I thought this was behind me. I thought I could go on trying to be nice to people and helping people but there’s a thin line between that and being A FUCKING RUMOUR-MONGER and crossing the line is something I’ve done. Hahaha good job.

So this is what people think of me now, right? Elm, the rumour-spreading can’t-keep-a-secret BITCH? Shit, and they’d be right. They’d be so damn right. And at least I can admit it, but now I hate myself so much that I want to scream.

I’m jealous of friendships and I want to punch someone and I’m hurting and I HATE writing those posts!

Why did I say anything? WHY do I think it’s okay to say things like this, to talk to someone and juggle friendships and pretend people are my friends and go behind their backs and be horrible and BE ME?! WHY am I so argumentative and upset by this?

I’m really sorry. I just feel so sick because the image of myself I KNEW is shattered. I’m not known as the kind one; I’m known as the backstabbing one. People WILL NOT trust me because I always do this.

I feel shitty now because helping Holly out meant that Fern no longer trusts me. Nothing I can do about it because my past reputation – which HA, isn’t even much in the past because I STILL DO IT – is screwing me over.

Crap, do I deserve this?

God I’m so sorry, I just need to get this out. I haven’t written a violent post like this in a while, but I truly can’t stand me. Fern and Willow are still talking and I’m miserable and bitter at how things have changed.

I’m a stupid fuck. I should accept things and move on but it hurts and every friend I’ve lost leaves a hurt in me and I can’t pretend to be nice any more because I am not. Even though I try to be, I’m not and I’m angry and jealous because of the friendship Willow and Fern share.

Well Fern just talked to me normally and I honestly don’t know what to do any more. Melodramatic, I know.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Life’s The Teacher

Heyy, screw the hiatus; I NEED and want to post.

I went to blind camp as you guys know, and had an amazing time. L was there, and we sent interesting and hilarious voice messages to Anthony. Sorry about that hehe. I put makeup on, and laughed like crazy. And I ALSO met this person who L has trusted with his blog, and I can see why, because he’s great.

But this weekend, I learned possibly the most horrible lesson – it was one of absolute guilt at myself, because I realised a horrible flaw in my personality that I’d never really taken seriously, or seriously ENOUGH, until now.

There was a boy in the summer – someone I called S. The day after I broke up with my two-week-relationship internet boyfriend, I kissed the boy. We talked for two months, and then didn’t because I just… Couldn’t deal with it. I was a COMPLETE idiot. I hurt him and I knew it, but I didn’t realise how MUCH until now. I overlooked it, I suppose, carrying on with my OWN life and not bothering to text him, talk to him, message him, for three months.

And on Friday, I said hey, and then ensued a horrible and painful conversation. There wasn’t an argument, but I got hit – and I’m still shaking from the most horrific sense of guilt I’ve ever felt. I said I would “make an effort” to talk to him – bad word choice- but I’m terrified and I have NO idea what’s wrong with me. I was almost frantic and I kept apologising and it was a mess of emotion from my end.

In some ways, it’s even worse than what happened with the Ash situation, because S. did absolutely NOTHING and it was me who did all the manipulating, bitching, HORRIBLE things. I wouldn’t have put this past me a YEAR ago, but this was THREE months ago: when I thought I’d grown up, matured; when all I. wanted was to make people happy but I was making someone miserable right under my nose. It makes me so upset now that I feel like screaming and crying.

GOD, I feel guilty. I hate those people who twist emotions and fuck with people’s feelings, but I seem to have turned into one of those – or I WAS. Even when I was trying to be a good person – AFTER the Ash situation – I had no excuse. I was scared of long distance commitment, so I switched myself off to his feelings, I suppose. That makes me sick.

There is ALWAYS something you overlook and you can’t be perfect, I know that, but in the hell I went through last year with Ash, I thought I’d at least know or realise when I was starting to mess with someone’s feelings, so I could STOP that manipulation and try to set things right. In this, I can’t, because S and I are messed up because of our previous “history”.

I don’t know what to say. I wish I’d handled all of this differently, because that’s a REAL PERSON I’m hurting, and I’m not removed from the situation. I have to admit the horrendous parts of myself so I can start to rebuild them, to FIX them, because GOD I DON’T WANT TO HURT ANYONE ELSE, though I will without meaning to, caught up in some emotional high or low.

You’re always going to find a flaw, and you can’t fix all of them, but you’ve got more positives than flaws. I need to build up my friendship with S, WITHOUT neglecting my other friends as I’m wont to do – I feel so horrible about that, too.

I can’t fix this, and I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before because I love Aspen, but I can TRY and sweep up some of the mess I’ve caused.

S, I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry.

Have you guys been okay? Again, I’ve got to revise but I NEEDED to post.

From Elm πŸ™‚

You SAY you do things, but you Don’t

Here we are again, on one of my messed-up posts. I’m going to try and make this as painless and non-attention-seeking as possible, because no one wants to read that, but it might get messy.

There are a LOT of things I hate about myself, and with many of them, my ex-best friend Ash helped to feel less awful. But a lot of them are coming back, or they never left, so that’s fucking GREAT.

What the hell is the use of a blog when I don’t care about my studies? Or rather, I DO care, but I just can’t be bothered to do anything. That’s the first one: laziness. I’m even too lazy to do anything about it. Well done, Elm! You’re so gonna fuck up your future. Have fun living without a job. Have fun not trying your best. Have fun when you’re getting your results and you wonder why you did so shit.

I hate my personality. I hate it. I’m in COMPLETE self-loathing mode and I had a near-psychotic breakdown earlier, and I’m in the process of having one again. I’m violent, aggressive and I never do a thing about it. Hahaha, SENSIBLE! Oh my god. I feel on the verge of breaking.

I hate how I feel selfish. It’s never usually this bad, but I have an acute sense of “YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT YOURSELF FOCUS ON OTHER PEOPLE!” feeling. Yup. Before, it was VERY bad to the point where I couldn’t talk about myself without wanting to lock myself away in a room forever, and it’s not THAT bad now, but I still find it tricky when those feelings come.

I hate how I’m clingy, and I always talk about my problems, and I think that my feelings come before my studies which causes me to slack, which makes me an idiot. It’s a fact. I can’t stand how I make up things in my head to make excuses for how shit and unmotivated I am, to the point where I start to BELIEVE I’ve got something wrong with me. When, um, I DON’T; I’m just unmotivated and stupid. I DON’T have a problem with my mental health and it’s so damn disrespectful if I SAY I do. Because soon, this whole thing will pass and I’ll be okay again. Again, if I could be BOTHERED to do something about it, I would. Pity I don’t have the energy. I MEAN, pity I’m lazy.

I have such bad feelings that I’m alone right now that it’s terrifying me. I used to have abandonment issues which made me clingy and the only thing – one of the only things – I thank Ash for is making that a bit better. There’s no logical conclusion as to why I feel like this NOW, but hey, I’m me.

I just don’t want to be. I want to run away and oh GOD this post is horrendous. I wish, sometimes, I could crawl out of my skin and just get a new personality because who I am right now is so so so awful. I thought I’d grown up and learned from everything and that NOW, I’d be bothered to do something about revising and passing my exams. But no. I’m sat here, by my damn self, whinging and whining about how shitty my life is when it isn’t. It ISN’T SHITTY AT ALL!

I need to lighten up and stop taking things so seriously because this is pathetic. I wish people didn’t see me like this, because I’m doing nothing to make myself feel better. I bet, in my mind, I secretly want to be screwed up or something – NO NO that’s ridiculous.

Bloody hell. I can’t. stand myself. At all.

God, why did I write this? I’m sorry, everyone. I just feel hopeless when I shouldn’t and I’m doing nothing. I say I’ll change, but I won’t. I say I’ll start revising properly, but I DON’T. I just don’t take a thing seriously and that’s disgusting and I hate myself.

Do I? Do I really hate myself? When I have people telling me I’m amazing and great. and loyal and an inspiration and I help them?

Yeah. Yeah, I do hate myself. Probably. Knowing me, it’s made up in my head. I can’t talk to my school about this, because I know this whole situation is my fault. There ARE things I can do, I KNOW, but I’m so stupid that I just don’t bother.

For FUCK’S SAKE, Elm! I’m sick of myself. The only thing that is keeping me from truly despising myself totally is the fact that you guys seem to think I’m an okay person. Thank you for that, honestly. You’re great.

This is so awful and I’m BLOODY SORRY for making you read it. I hope it’s not getting old, but I NEEDED to get this all out. I said I’d be honest, didn’t I? Honesty means the bad parts, too, even if those parts are purposefully messed up by my own self. ARGH, nope.

If you got to the end of this, thank you. You are wonderful and thank you SO much for putting up with this.

It’s hypocritical of me to say this, but if you ever feel down, know that YOU are amazing. I’m going to try and get through this stupid lack of… Motivation, because I know that’s what I’d want YOU to do.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I’m Facing Up to It

Trigger warning for this post. It mentions suicide and self harm. I’m sorry about this.

I have something to say.

Yesterday, at about 11 at night, I signed up to the ChildLine website.

At the time, things in my head weren’t bad. In fact, about two hours before, I’d had the happiest half hour of my life with my sister. I knew, though, that I’d need it the day after, or the day after that, or the day after that or any day.

It’s a complicated thing. At the time of creating it, I was terrified but I felt oddly relieved. My advice to you is that if you feel awful and you just can’t do anything anymore, sign up. I’m sure it will help, because my friends have said positive things about it.

This is so difficult to talk about, but I thought I’d let you know. It will be even more difficult with real life people reading this, but you guys deserve the truth – I wish I didn’t have to say it this way. It’s making me feel cold.

There’s a point where you have to realise you can’t do this alone. Your friends help so much, but sometimes, your thoughts get so terrifyingly bad and so painful that you are so scared you’ll do something. You want to try this new thing out, to see how much it will help, because you need it. You have to face up to the fact that you aren’t strong right now.

I think the website will help me. I can get advice there from counsellors, and other people, and maybe I’ll find someone to talk to. I don’t necessarily need it, because I have a blog and all of my friends on here are wonderful, but I’m scared.

Like, really scared. I’ll explain why, and this is the part where if you’re affected by mentions of suicide and self-harm, stop reading. I know what it feels like to be triggered, and you shouldn’t go through that.

Don’t be alarmed by this next bit, please? It’s okay. I’m okay, but I need to say it.

Yesterday, and on Wednesday, I wanted to die.

Fuck. This is horrible to write down, but I need to explain.

I still can’t face up to what happened on Tuesday, but it affected me badly. On Wednesday, in maths, I fucked my wrists up with my hands so badly that the next day, I could feel it. All through the day I was screaming inside my head. Yesterday was even worse because all I wanted was for an accident to come along and kill me. That’s the truth and I’m sorry.

And today, the thoughts got even worse, because I realised how unsocial I am and hated myself all through history. History is where I sit next to Birch – look on my Who’s who, exactly? page to find out who he is because I’m exhausted.

I felt hopeless. Couldn’t do any work. I haven’t done anything to myself since yesterday, but I feel so dead that it’s scaring me.

I’m so, so sorry about this. You shouldn’t have to read this but I can’t help it; I need to scream my thoughts onto a post because this is destroying me. This is why I set up the Childline account. I need the help, frankly, and I need to realise I do.

I won’t kill myself. That’s out of the question and I don’t think I CAN explain why, as much as I want to because it’s been hurting me for 4 years. I gave too much away then. Sorry.

I can’t help feeling awful and terrible, and every time anyone spoke to me today I either wanted to cry, hit them or hit myself. I think people noticed I was miserable, but I have no energy to pretend any more. I’m done.

All in all, I need to do something about my mental health, now. I was ready to scream at teachers today because they didn’t understand, but it’s time for me to make myself feel better, in any way I can.

This is going to fuck me up for a while. I knew that the minute I did what I did that caused all this. My thoughts are still screaming at me; I feel as numb as anything, and I know my friends will be worried once I post this. I’M worried. Just don’t panic, okay? I’m here and always will be.

Yesterday, I told myself that there was nothing left to live for. I felt the whole ‘Live your life!’ attitude slipping between my fingers, and then shouted at myself and chalked it up to bullshit. I don’t think that anymore.

I still think everything’s pointless and I feel horribly weak, but I’m okay. I’m taking little steps to make myself okay.

In history, I tried to cheer myself up by talking to Birch, but it failed. He was talking to other people about a party and, like I said, I realised how much of a closed-off awful person I am.

If any of you feel awful, you can always talk to me. Talk to your friends, your family, or sign up for Childline or a similar service in your country. You shouldn’t ever have to feel alone or like the world hates you, or that you have nothing left, like I did.

You’re only by yourself if you shut yourself away.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Friends and All That

Okaaay: this may seem like a miserable post, but it’s not: it’s a bit of an update and a thought process, you know?

Today, my friend Pine moved to the opposite end of the playground with her friend Daisy because some people in our group were irritating them. I think it was more Daisy’s decision but Pine went along with it.

This seems quite immature for me to be upset about, but I’ll explain: our friendship group is quite close. We’re all in our separate LITTLE groups, but together we’re a community and we work Pine’s always been a big part of that, I guess, and to have her gone is just going to be urgh. It’s been building up, but I suppose I’m just a bit sick of people fucking off. Also, our group’s… Right, we’re NOT popular at all. Some people like us and a lot of people hate us find us weird, so I guess I’m just sad that she’s left because I feel like she’s thinking we’re freaks/not good enough.

I’m okay.

I’M NOT. Well, I’m more okay then I was.

If you’ve seen my “Who’s Who, Exactly?” page, you’ll know that Pine is my first friend from secondary school and that we’ve always stuck by each other. Even if she didn’t mean to do this or for it to have an effect, it was like a kick in the stomach, because this is exactly like what Maple (ex-boyfriend who was friends with Pine for 10 years and moved away from our group after he broke up with me which is understandable but eh long story) and Willow did.

Yah. It’s like a slap in the face, but I’m okay with it.

It’s funny because when one of my other friends told us, I was sitting next to Red. I said “Oh,” turned to him and there was just something in my face, my posture, my tone that screamed “FUUUUUUUCK!” and he picked up on it. I’m so damn glad. I think I just sat there for a little while; you know those friends who just KNOW what’s going through your head? Yup.

Speaking of Red, he and I had an in-depth conversation about Ash today, because I’d had French a few lessons before lunch and needed to talk. Thank fuck. I’m so glad I got it out of my system.

Honestly, I really am fine. I’m adopting my new mantra of “I’LL BE HAPPY!” and this whole thing hasn’t dragged me right back down as it might have before, but rather I just took a bit of a tumble and I can get up.

But my abandonment issues and paranoia are kicking in, big time. As in VERY bad.

Willow was there for me today. Thank god; I know she hasn’t got a problem with me. I needed that. I know Pine doesn’t, either, but I’m still quite hurt, though it ISN’T her fault at all and she most likely thought nothing of it.

EEK! I’m going to have a poem up on le writing blog soon, once I get my maths homework done.

Thanks for all your support.

I Fricking Bit the Bullet

I told him.

Yes. I told Birch I had feelings for him. After my last post, I decided that I had enough.

So I told him. I messaged him, saying, “Can I tell you something?” Took me a lot of convincing to let myself send that message. And then, once he’d said yes, I told him.

In summary, he said that it wasn’t awkward and that it was completely fine. Then he said that he wasn’t into getting into a relationship with anyone for that matter.

He never outright said he DIDN’T like me like that, but I’m going with the assumption that he meant it in that way. It’s safer, and I can’t get my hopes up any more. I feel a LITTLE crushed, but to be honest, the fact that he TOLD me is a step up from what happened last time. I have to commend him for that.

Yeah. It’s only just hit me what I’ve done and now I feel a bit sick. It’s a VERY long time since I’ve been brave enough to admit how I felt about someone to them – in fact, I’ve NEVER said it outright to anyone before.

I gave myself a speech before pressing that ‘send’ button. In the middle of it, I pressed it to shut myself up, then freaked. I could feel my heart thumping and straight after I Skyped Red and just had a ‘What DID I JUST DO I CAN’T SPEAK’ moment.

I was terrified, but I’m glad I did it. I’ve never felt so sick and scared in my life, besides when telling Ash certain things about myself, but this time it was different. There wasn’t PAIN when Birch said no. Not much, anyway, but it was just a resigned sort of feeling.

Yes, I’m upset. Yes, I just want something to go right. But at the same time, I’m so glad I told him.

In other news, I just had the longest and most distressing conversation with my father I’ve had in a very long time. It involved me bawling my eyes out over the fact that my mother always makes me feel shit about myself. I think he must have been worried, because I rarely ever show that side of myself to him. About my mother – long story – I’ll explain, some other time.

I’m drained. My eyes feel heavy and I feel somewhat miserable. I got back from the concert and, after my mother left to go back there, I flipped out completely. Like I never have before. It was fucking terrifying. I’m SO glad I cried, though, because it was an outlet of emotion from the Birch thing, and from the concert thing, and I needed it.

I think I need sleep. This is just an update post, really; I’m not TOO sad. I just needed the closure.

Thanks so much for reading, and thank you also to every single one of you who supported me and commented on my last post. You are all fantastic.

From Elm πŸ™‚