And Perhaps I’m Just Sad

If you don’t like or aren’t in the mood for long, rambly, irritable posts, then don’t read this – this ticks all those boxes and even ticks boxes that don’t exist.

In this post, I’m going to mention several names that might not be familiar to new readers. If you’re confused, have a look at my Who’s who, Exactly? page. That should clear it up a bit, I hope.

I woke up too late today, but that was probably because I stayed up until 1, talking to S.

We talked about the situation that happened on Tuesday – where I’d kissed him – and I guess it helped. We said that we BOTH couldn’t deal with a year of not seeing each other, so hopefully we’ll meet up.

But then, over breakfast this morning, I just thought that I was so sick of everything.

I like S. I hate how I do. I don’t WANT to because it will hurt like hell, especially after Palm.

Yesterday, I said I was going to town with Odd. I had a brilliant time: we read summaries of books in bookshops (including 50 Shades of Grey, screw you Odd). In fact, she read me extracts. Oh god.

I went to her house and it was great, too, until she let me go on her iPod. (Sorry about this, Odd). Because I wanted to cause myself unnecessary pain, I went on to her messenger conversation with Ash and ONLY looked at the messages from 30 March, the day after we broke friends and Odd had talked about it to him. I know that’s a breach of privacy and I’m so so sorry, but I never looked at any of your other messages. That’s no excuse and I feel guilty as hell.

BANG. Hurt like hell. Hurt so badly that I just couldn’t do anything for a while. All the things he had said about me – that I’d never given him any privacy – were true, true, true. He said it in such a way that it fucking hurt and I understood EXACTLY why he didn’t want to be friends with me, because I didn’t want to be friends with me.

And this morning, it all came flooding back. What I’d done. What an idiot I’d been. Ash memories and EVERYTHING else, and memories of Palm and Birch and Cedar.

Speaking of Cedar, I’m going to call him today. We talked yesterday and we arranged it and I’m an idiot, because I don’t know how I feel.

This was a shit post. I suppose I’m just tired: I want something to go right without so much pain involved; I want to feel happiness for a prolonged period of time; I just want to not have to be on my guard and I want to think about Ash without misery.

I want to savour the Ash memories that were good, not flinch in pain every time I think them. I want to sit in history next year, either next to Birch or not, and not think about how stupid I’d been to tell him my feelings. I want to talk to Cedar normally, without fear of looking like an idiot or without fear of feelings growing that I don’t want. I want to think about S WITHOUT confusion, and without cursing the distance and time.

I really hope I’m not the only one feeling like this – in my mind, I know I’m not, but on the surface I guess I feel isolated. I’m scared about the situation with S, and nervous of Ash, and confused about more or less everything and everyone.

Sorry. I just need to get the thoughts out, so that I won’t think about them so much. Does that make sense? This was a terrible post, but hopefully I’ll write more cheerfully soon. That’s the Elm I am now.

I hope you don’t mind. Looking back, I suppose I always end up like this: posting miserable stuff, then getting happy again, then back to miserable stuff. It’s irritating.

I wanted to write more about this, but there’s nothing left to say. One day, if it’s okay with you, I think I’ll write out the whole Ash situation. From start to finish. It will hurt, but I think I need it.

That conversation with S last night though – I don’t know what to think. I was happy. We didn’t talk about US, as a couple – or not really. We kind of did. I’m just too confused because he lives FIVE HOURS away from me. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to get hurt, you know?

Sorry again! I keep on apologising. I promise I’ll let you know about the Cedar conversation and I swear, the next post won’t be sad.

What’s up with everyone? How’s school going, or how’s your holiday depending on where you live, and is everything going okay? Let me know!

From Elm 🙂

AHAHAHA I have Come to a Sudden Realisation

Right.

So I’m laughing so hard that I’ve become a bit hysterical.

Okay, so before you read this, read how I got rejected yesterday.

Okay, I have to admit that I was quite upset about it. Not as upset as I THOUGHT.

It literally just hit me that, well…

WHO CARES?!

LITERALLY. I got rejected. I can move on from this. This may not make sense, but put it this way: it’s ONE thing in life.

My life isn’t over. I can face him next year, and not feel awkward. I feel so fucking free, and I WON’T try and contact him.

Yeah. I’m happy, and I’ve only just realised.

HAHAHAHAHA! Why do I find this funny? I think the stress has just got to me, and then leapt away again, and I’m so damn happy.

My friends are amazing. YOU are amazing. BIRCH is amazing. The fact that the summer holidays are here is AMAZING.

I’m going to France on Monday. It’ll be good. I will MAKE it be good. Screw what my mother says to me and when she puts me down.

I AM ELM, and I have the power of this blog behind me and the encouragement of my friends, both ones I’ve made through my blog and ones in real life.

To those of you going through a similar situation, trust me on this: IT IS ONE THING. Tell the person you like them. It’s so bloody much easier when you do.

What the Oscar am I even saying? Actually, who cares? I’m happy and I will grab that happiness with both hands.

Here’s to a positive week, month, year, if I can.

From a bouncing-off-the-walls Elm 🙂 🙂

It Wasn’t A Dodgy Dream Seriously

I’m more happy today than I was yesterday. Yeah, that was messy.

Casually playing the London Underground song at full volume (yes, plus the swearing) because I can’t go to work experience today. WHY? BECAUSE THE TUBE IS ON STRIKE. WELL DONE, GUYS! Really outdid yourself this time!

I woke up late today. By that, I mean at about 9. Yah, I know – rebel, right?!

But I had a dream last night.

Get your mind out of the gutter! There was some romantic shit involved, but NOT LIKE THAT!

I don’t remember much about it, honestly.

Birch and I were on a school trip. Before you ask – no, I don’t know where it was. It was very strange, because I remember being with my friend Willow and laughing, but nothing of what happened and where we went or what we did. I DID, but I’ve forgotten.

What I remember was two Birch’s. I THINK. Maybe it was the same person, but I sat in between the both of them.

So, the two Birch’s. The real one, and someone… Pretending to be him?

But it was still him.

And the ‘real’ Birch SEEMED like the fake one, dulled down in comparison. It’s weird because I knew the fake Birch wasn’t Birch, but he acted so like the Birch outside my dream that… I’m so confused, what?!

Let’s call the real one Birch A, and the ‘fake’ one Birch B.

So I fell in love with Birch B, apparently. And we ‘went out’. Like I said, I barely remember any of it. I remember being dragged off by Willow whilst trying to hold Birch B’s hand, shrieking like a madwoman. I also remember us discussing changing our relationship status on Facebook.

At some points, I knew it was a dream. I didn’t want to wake up because the dream was so, so amazing. I forgot the fake Birch was fake – maybe he WASN’T fake; I don’t know. I do remember thinking, ‘I want to tell my friends about this so much when I wake up.’

It’s weird now. There are these little snatches of thought I vaguely remember, like thinking ‘Birch B is the kind of person I would like to fall in love with’.

The thing I remember the most clearly was when the dream fast-forwarded to a school day, when I was talking to Red after the trip.

“Hey, can you check your drama class for Birch?”

“Yeah, he’s here.”

“No, not THAT birch… A different one, but he’s still Birch. Birch B”

Red seemed to know what I was talking about, but I remember feeling really confused.

The dream ended.

I have a horrible feeling this is supposed to be symbolic, but I don’t care. My warped mind comes up with the strangest things sometimes.

Other stuff happened, but I don’t remember it. You know when something’s just out of your reach?

Damnit, that was a screwed up dream.

Hope you enjoyed!

From Elm

I’ve Snapped

Trip to Belgium was canceled. And if you don’t get that, look on previous posts in the Birch situation.

I’m done.

I don’t care any more.

The one chance I had, gone. Fucking GONE. Like that.

I DARED to hope. Nothing ever goes right when I hope for it. Ever. Shouldn’t have expected any different.

People are disappointed because they’ve been looking forward to it all year. But I’m upset because this was my ONE break. From everything. This was the ONE time I could be happy with Birch and have a chance and no I can’t

Because I never have a chance anyway. Ever. No point in thinking otherwise.

Why am I writing this? Never gets me anywhere. It’s just a stupid, pathetic cry for help and that’s all I am.

When I found out I walked out after assembly and this awful girl Daisy was there and she was talking about the fact that it was canceled. I was so upset at that point that I just started swearing – I don’t remember what I said. Something along the lines of “I don’t fucking care any more fuck it I DON’T FUCKING CARE!” Then, she asked me to stop swearing and I snapped, completely, like I never have before at anyone.

I screamed at her to just stop it, stop it, and she yelled “What the FUCK Elm!”

She didn’t get it. Now everyone probably thinks I’m upset – “aww she’s crying because the history trip was canceled!” NO! No, it’s not that. You don’t get it!

Had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I just kept on crying and crying and nearly screaming “I CAN’T BREATHE!” and freaking out and trying to get the tears away and it didn’t work and I always make a scene because I’m such a dramatic bitch.

Friend Pine was there, like she always is, and she said she wouldn’t know what she would do without me. She was so amazing and I think she was panicked but she helped me. I needed her and I was just so awful, and I don’t appreciate her. I just kept crying instead of saying thank you.

It hurts. I never have anything, because of my personality and I act like everything’s always awful and when I want something I become like a psycho and I’m scared

I had English after that. All through the lesson I was scared and shaking. I went to the toilet to calm. Wren was there and she helped me but I acted like a freak again and all I could do was cry and break down and NOTHING, I just feel pathetic.

Wren saw what I did to my hands and she asked me “What have you done?” and I just sobbed and said “I can’t I don’t know” I’m fucking stupid stupid stupid STUPID STUPID.

It wasn’t that bad, just scratches and why am I saying this, now everyone will think I’m a fucking coward stupid twat, and they’re right.

FUCKING MORON

JUST GO AND FUCK YOURSELF

YOU’RE FUCKING Useless no no fuck

I can’t do this.

I can’t do anything I’m overdramatic and it’s awful and people will get tired of my whining and constant breakdowns and they want happy people I’m not happy Birch doesn’t want sadness then he doesn’t want me knew it

Pathetic.

Im done.

I hate everything fuck this. I’m past the breaking point and I have no idea what to do.

I hate posting this. I hate it. I just feel too small and scared and there’s no point to posting this and I sometimes HATE reading these posts so sorry.

This isn’t the end of the world. They’ve postponed it until after the summer.

But now I have nothing to look forward to, and I’m stressed and angry and sad and worthless and I shouldn’t even be posting this because RL people will see but I don’t care any more I don’t care!

I’m not going to do anything stupid but I’m scared I will because I’m too fragile and too upset I shouldn’t even be upset but I am. It’s stupid. It’s only a little thing but for me it’s a massive thing because I THOUGHT things would work. They never did before so why should they now?

Whatever feelings fade over the summer; if he had anything for me it would be gone by September. Deal with it you fucktard

Bye

I Think this Emotion Might Stick Around?

It came to me, about an hour ago, that I really think I AM happy.

I don’t know where the thought came from, I don’t think. Or rather, it just came out of nowhere.

I wasn’t happy, before. In fact at some points, I’ve… Okay, I’m not going to say what I was about to say. It’s just downright depressing and not needed.

But you’ve seen my posts. And if you haven’t – there’s a category called Not Very Happy Posts which, well, it’s self-explanatory. Go have a look, and you’ll see what I mean.

But now, I genuinely think I’m happy. Life is… Good.

Then again, something could happen that could blow everything out of the sky. I know everything could set me off into misery AGAIN.

It’s the little things that I think about.

Laughing so hard with Birch in history that I nearly cry.

Smiling like a lunatic when I ask him:

“So, who’re you going to sit next to on the coach to Ypres?”

“I don’t know. All my friends are on the other coach – obviously I know you really well, but I’m talking about people who I’ve known for YEARS.”

“Yeah, I know how you feel. Well, um… If you want to, and there’s no one else, you can sit next to me.”

“Ah yeah, that’d be good.”

SCREAMS. So in conclusion, I MIGHT be sitting next to him on a 6-hour coach journey. Might being the operative word, because we didn’t talk much when the lesson ended to finalise it. And because I’m a moron, I didn’t wait for him before I walked down the stairs, smiling so widely my face nearly broke.

“Ey, Birch?”

“Mm-hmm?”

“Who ARE your friends in this class?”

“Well, you.”

“Yay!”

Getting emails from Hazel.

Just walking and talking and laughing with Odd, when it’s just so comfortable and funny and amazing.

Talking on Skype with Red for hours, knowing people understand me and actually give a crap.

Smiling, all the time, and laughing, and feeling so light.

Sharing an inside joke with Willow – Project France, #Albert, LEONARDO.

Bantering in English and laughing with Wren.

Having this blog, and the friends and community that comes with it, to ALWAYS help me, and cheer me up.

EVERYTHING.

And, you know, I’m trying NOT to think about Ash. It hurts too much. If he talks to me again, it’s unavoidable, but…

I think I can get over him.

I love my friends so much.

I’m happy.

He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not – WHAT EVEN!

Because I’m tired of writing depressing posts that make me miserable, I’m going to write a happy post.

Y’know Birch?

I had history with him today. It was… IT WAS…

Alright I DON’T FLIRT! Wouldn’t know how. But a lot of laughing happened. And a lot of accidentally touching forearms. And a lot of smiles. And a lot of “OH MY GOD one week till we go to Ypres!” and a lot of jokes (anti-jokes) and…

And a lot of talking when walking down the stairs. Yeah – romantic, right? HA! Willow waited for me at the bottom and we walked out together, him in front and us behind and I was so fucking happy.

So I have a friend – um, need tree name help. Yew? Beech? Beech is too similar to Birch. Rowan? Already got a Rowan.

Oak. (Thank you, Wren). Anyway, some context: Oak and I have become quite close recently after we trusted each other with things, like I told him about Ash. And he “called it” as he ALWAYS reminds me – as in Birch and I – and when I told him I liked Birch he more or less imploded whilst screaming, “I CALLED IT! DIDN’T I!”

Oak said that Birch looks at me. A lot. When we talk, he looks at me very thoughtfully, as if he’s thinking about what he says. He looks at me as if he’s happy – when I was walking with Willow, he looked at me and smiled. Though, then again, we HAD just walked down the stairs together, talking and me cackling because he told me of a time when he got his shoe caught and nearly fell over.

And Oak thinks he might POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY, have SOME kind of romantic feelings for me.

And… Maybe he’s right? Just MAYBE? Sometimes, Birch acts so… Birch-like. Funny, relaxed around me, so happy it makes ME happy, and I need that. But sometimes he just seems… I don’t know. Like I mean nothing to him – that’s not right; I don’t know how to describe it.

I’m giddy. And confused. We’re going to Ypres in Belgium on a school trip, next Friday. Maybe something will happen then. Maybe I’ll MAKE something happen?

I’m nervous. It’s not like the last time I thought someone liked me, ages and ages ago. This time, I’m not SCARED.

This time, if things go wrong as they did before and I missread the signs, it won’t be as painful. I HOPE.

This time, I really think I can do this.

Am i Me? What Am I?

My wrists feel bloody freezing and sort of… Floppy.

Er. That usually signifies a period of un-motivation.

When I say un-motivation, I mean: I don’t want to do homework. No – I mean, I physically can’t do homework. And that’s shit because, well, French, English, History… Too many. WAY too many.

I’m in that state between happiness and complete misery where I can feel the Ash memories below the surface but something’s stopping them from the things bombarding me with all that crap. I want to talk to Birch but then I just think, “What’s the point? There won’t be any substance to it.”

I want to write a story but again, I just think, “I can’t. I don’t… WANT to?”

It’s confusing. I don’t really know what I am right now. And yes, that sentence was purposeful.

I just feel really empty, which is odd because I had my music performance today which made me feel SO happy.

I’m so sorry – I can’t read blogs right now. I get panicked whenever I think about it. I WANT to, god I do, but I just feel really weird right now.

I’m not sad. Just so confused. I’m in the limbo area so anything could push me in either direction, towards happiness or complete… Shit.

I need to do something to prevent the latter option but to be honest, I just either don’t know what or can’t be bothered? Nah, that’s not it but I can’t place it.

I just feel so… Odd. I thought to myself today that I was so, so sick of everyone and I felt violently angry, and then my mood switched because music. I’m okay now. Just… Fuck’s sake, I don’t even know.

Later, I’m going to write a HAPPY post. About music. Yeah.

ARGH! I’m so lethargic, and apathetic towards just about everything. The HELL?!

I… Need cheering up. No, I need SOMETHING. Or someone. Or…

Life Updates and Being A REAL LIFE TREE

Yesterday’s post was one of the worst ones I’ve ever written, in terms of feeling like utter crap.

Luckily, I’m better now. I think. I’m GETTING better. It was mainly because of my friends, at school, who are amazing and get my mind off things.

And Birch. (Red has started to refer to my various… Loves *vomits* by their tree names which is just so awesome because y’know Elm and shit).

History was well right banter geddit m9? I just said that. I needed the pick-me-up because I had a Chemistry test (which NOBODY told me about, by the way, so I didn’t revise) and I was nearly in tears by the end of it.

There were so many jokes in History, it was unreal. I was miserable to begin with but then I just thought ‘fuck it!’ and DID NOT FLIRT AT ALL HAHAHAHAHAAAA, where did you get that impression from?! Oh my god WHAT THE OSCAR?!

Speaking of that AMAZING catchphrase – at lunch, Wren was… I don’t really know what she was doing. But Red turned round and screamed, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE OSCAR!” I nearly cried. I started screeching – I mean, he’d called someone a Twatmonger before, and he’s becoming Elmish! HE IS!

Anyway – my friend keeps on telling me Birch looks at me in history, like he’s wondering if he likes me? BULLSHIT – ANYWAY!

Hopefully this weekend I’ll be on Skype for the majority of the time, talking to ma festes friend EVA, Odd. I… Think I need to calm. Also, internet friends are amazing.

And practicing for my GCSE music performance SHITE!!!

By the way, you are ALL amazing. Thank you for your advice on my last post – I was in an awful mood and I needed the help. So thank you, again, and I don’t know what I’d do without this blog.

From Elm

A Weird Sense of Community, Birch and Corridors

I’m going to show Red my blog. He promised me he’d send me some of his poetry so I might as well, y’know, return the favour with a rather large part of my life HEH.

In our playground, our group’s pretty separated. Doesn’t bother me much, because we’ve always been like that and I love my group anyway. You’ve got a “No Man’s Land” in the middle, us on one side on the benches and the rest of the people on the other side, with some people playing football off to the left (coughcough Cedar coughcough).

I was talking to my friend – and the next minute, I hear clapping. And cheering, coming from our group.

I turn round, confused. “The hell? Why’re people clapping?”

Someone from another group started clapping. And another. And another. Next thing you know, every single person in the playground is clapping and shouting.

The sound was… Surprisingly invigorating. I don’t EVER consider my year a community because we’re so separated by popularity and that. It was just… Different, you know?

And nobody knew why they were clapping – at least nobody in the other groups did.

Turns out my friend Wren had put on a hat, and it looked like she had Justin Bieber hair. A guy… Alright, we call him Jesus. No religious offense intended at all – the whole group does, including my VERY religious friend Pine. I have no idea WHY we call him that – it’s just so engrained into us now that I don’t even think he answers to his real name when he’s around us. Well, Jesus started clapping.

And every single other person joined in.

It was bloody beautiful.

In other news, I had History with Birch today.

Bloody hell.

Turns out I actually DO fancy him. BALLS. The feelings were different from when I got messages from him but they were still there. I was just way, way more terrified.

I acted like a weirdo… I mean come on, I wasn’t even trying to hide it! I think I laughed so much that I nearly cried.

Something’s not right, though. And I don’t know what. I guess I just miss… Something?

Also – I hate corridors. They’re miserable.

I’ve got some awards to do in a min – bare with. Scary award much WOW.

Birch is too confusing; I don’t know how I feel about him? This post is turning into one of those lovestruck bullshit things AGAIN!

From Elm
PS: would my Patronus be a tree?

Breatheing in the Dark and Thinking, “Am I Happy?”

I’m used to having late night conversations with people. Holding my phone, listening to my breatheing, listening to my phone telling me what they’ve said to me. And absorbing everything and thinking, “What are they thinking?”

First it was Ash, and now it’s Birch.

I’m stressed. Or I was, last night – still am, really, and I’m not happy as of NOW. I’ll be fine, though.

I talked to Birch about myself. And how we’d both changed, and how I needed to get a life. And he told me to not worry, and just live and to be happy, and “what did I tell you about worrying?” I don’t know if he got it. I know Ash would have but Birch isn’t Ash and I need to remember that. Birch won’t reassure me – or he might. Ash would have talked it through with me but Birch was up-front and I don’t know which one I want and I don’t know which one I wanted.

He adds humour to it. He always does, which helps I guess.

I was caught in that realm where you could go to sleep at any time, but you keep yourself awake because you want to talk. You want to think. You want to hang in this moment, holding your breath and just feeling your surroundings press into you. Thinking, thinking – you know?

I’m not making any sense.

Birch will be in history tomorrow. I’m scared. I need to take his advice and go with the flow, but how can I?

I don’t like how I am. I’m too serious. I’m too paranoid. But then again people bring out different sides in me.

Ash and Birch are so opposite yet so similar to me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t NOT think.

He asked about the homework too. But then we REALLY talked and it reminded me so much of the Ash situation but there wasn’t any pain that usually comes with a reminder. I don’t think I was trying to replicate it.

I miss that so much it hurts.

Oh god. I have a physics test tomorrow and I’m going to fail it. I’m going to fail so much. I can’t.

I need to get a life and stop moping because it’s stupid.

Ugh.

This isn’t a sad post. I’m not sad. I’m just confused and frustrated and I don’t know what I want.

Sometimes I want to let all my inhibitions go and laugh and smile and just fucking live. But sometimes I need my serious side. Sometimes I just want to have a connection with someone such as I had with Ash where I can tell them anything and they’ll listen and they’ll actually care and they’ll know how to handle me and I don’t have that I don’t

I need to go do something. Don’t know what but I’m running round in circles trying to think.