I Went to Pride!

I have honestly had one of the best days of my life – I’m still smiling and I feel unbelievably happy. Why? Because I went to my FIRST EVER PRIDE!!! (Okay Elm CALM)

Yesterday, Ivy (one of my best friends ever) and I organised a trip to London. We needed to buy French books – or well, we wanted to – and she’d found this really cute little European bookshop that sold so many books in different languages (Russian, Spanish, Portuguese, German and obviously French). We just decided to go and find it, by taking a bus and a train and searching around the surrounding streets.

We found it, and it was so so nice! The street it was on was so pretty and picturesque (so I was told) and then we spent ages in the shop. It was quiet, peaceful and amazing and is just the kind of little place that makes London so beautiful. After we left, we got something to eat and sat in this random covered walkway and chatted.

It was whilst we were sitting there that we talked about Pride. Both she and I wanted to go, but there was a little fear of anything happening that would be dangerous, due to the recent Orlando shootings. Because we’re spontaneous and we wanted to see what it was like, we hopped on a train (okay no, we just got on whilst being a bit nervous) to Piccadilly Circus.

God, I can’t even describe to you how I felt when we stepped off that tube and there was just noise as we entered the station proper. “ALL PEOPLE GOING TO THE PARADE, USE EXIT 4!” The nervousness and excitement was mounting and I had to breathe deeply to try and calm myself. We got out of the station, heard the music and cheering and whistles and then we were at Pride and it was beautiful.

I never quite understood the sentiment that you could get so emotional that it became overwhelming, but that’s EXACTLY how it felt in the first few minutes. The sun was shining and we were just walking through crowds, going back and forth through different streets. There were so many people, wearing “I Am Gay” t-shirts, signs that said “Love wins!” “Love is united!” and confetti and balloons and just INSANITY.

Ivy described it all to me. There were couples holding hands, kissing, and random people with rainbow dreadlocks wandering down the streets. The windows of shops and the archways were FULL of rainbows, Pride flags, music played from pretty much everywhere and all the people seemed to be talking and laughing. “I SAY LONDON, YOU SAY PRIDE!” was the highlight of when we actually got involved in crowds.

There were some streets that were quiet, and some that were so crowded that I couldn’t get my cane out and walk because I’d hit people. I kept shrieking “SORRY!” whilst holding Ivy’s arm, and cheering at random points throughout the times when different busses were going past.

We were going to meet Ivy’s friends on a whim, but that didn’t happen. We spent ages trying to find them, wandering up and down from Piccadilly to Trafalgar Square and back, and THEN it started raining. It didn’t quell the atmosphere, though; people were still clapping and cheering and throwing balloons.

I bought a rainbow Sash, wore it and took pictures which I then put on Facebook. It’s the first time I’ve more or less publicly declared I’m not straight. It felt so bloody freeing because I was wearing something with a rainbow on it, surrounded by crowds of people who were PROUD to be who they were.

The highlight of it was definitely having Ivy there. We were in London, at Pride which we hadn’t planned, properly enjoying ourselves and smiling. I loved it and I’m going next year, and nothing can damn well stop me.

I’m so happy, because my dad called me up before we went and basically told us we should. I said I was scared and he just said, “You should go, Elm.” He was proud of me for going and that’s the main thing that convinced me I COULD do this. He didn’t even bat an eyelid and was so so happy when I called him, through cheering crowds and yelled, “I’m at Pride, dad!”

Even my mum didn’t kick up a fuss when she saw it on Facebook. To be honest, even if she had, I wouldn’t have cared. I don’t think anything could ruin this day for me.

Fear didn’t stop people from having a good time. It didn’t stop us from smiling and from feeling we were part of something. We knew no one around us, but that was so good; we were people in a crowd of those who wanted to be there.

I’m proud to be part of the community. I’m proud that I had the confidence to just go to Pride because I FELT like that. I felt so incredibly comfortable with Ivy beside me, because we were just being us and revelling in the fact that WE WERE AT PRIDE, spontaneously.

Today was brilliant. Today was happiness, and freedom, and two girls’ unplanned journey into a world of loud music and amazingly happy people. Today was a leap into the new, and a day that started off with books and ended with a smile.

Today was Pride, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Unplanned or not, today was being proud of who we are.

From Elm 🙂

My Sexuality, in 14 Minutes

Hey, it’s a new “youtube video”!

This recording was inspired by the wonderful Em from Adventures of a Lost Teen. If you haven’t followed her already, you should because she’s brilliant and really inspirational to me as well. You can listen to my recording here.

If I offended anyone, I’m really sorry 😦 I was going to go into the whole “why do people hate gay people?” thing, but then I realised, EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT BELIEFS AND I DON’T WANT TO UPSET ANYONE.

“I’ll try and make it MUCH shorter…” HAHAHAHAAAAA nice one, Elm!

I really hope you like this. I want people to realise that talking about this is okay – for me, Em made the first step and allowed me to feel like I COULD make a recording about it. So thank you so much for that, you amazing girl; also, the way she describes things is perfect. ANYONE can talk about their sexuality and I love how she did it, because teens like us should be able to talk about it too. We’re people.

From Elm 🙂

Girls or Boys or Whatever, you know?

Sometimes, I want a relationship with a girl.

NO! That didn’t come out right. One second…

So, I… Like, I suppose you’d say, or am attracted to boys or girls or any gender, really. Not that it matters – I’m saying it for context, I guess. Physically, I’m attracted to both sexes. (Why am I labelling my sexuality like this? I am who I am. Much deep philosophy here).

But I’ve never had a “romantic” experience with a girl. “Saying that, my “romantic” experiences with boys aren’t much to go by, but I’ve had some.

I miss Cassia and Hazel so much sometimes it hurts. Cassia more, because FRANCE and that’s all I’ll say. She never confirmed she was attracted to girls, but the point is, it could have gone somewhere.

It’s not that I WANT a relationship with a girl. I don’t WANT a relationship with a boy; I’m not going to actively seek either. If something comes along, I’ll take it. If I get attracted to someone, so be it; I won’t complain.

The point is, I want to know what it’s like. In a way, I want to know what it’s like to like a girl and have her liking you back. (Not that that’s happened much with boys, but enough with my pity party shit).

Do you understand what I’m trying to say? And do you get that, too? Because I’ve never done much physically with ANYONE, but I have with boys more than I have girls (let me laugh for a second here).

It’s a mix of curiosity and realising I have the capacity to love ANYONE, regardless of gender.

Hmm… I’m so glad I’m getting back into the swing of things now. It’s bloody freeing.

Thanks for everything, guys.

What do you think about all this? What’s your sexuality, and are you comfortable with it? Because no matter what, you’re a person, regardless of who you like or don’t like. I’m not the best motivater for this kind of thing, but I try.

From Elm 🙂

If I’d Known Her More, I Would Have Loved Her

Okay… I’m scared the person who this post is about will find out about this, but… Whatever. I can deal with it.

So you know that post where I said I would talk about a crush I had on a girl? Well. Here we go.

I’ve been attracted to three girls to a large degree before. Two I absolutely refuse to talk about for various reasons – yeah… Let’s not go into that.

The third was very recent.

Right, so you know how I can’t see? I went on a revision course at a blind school (won’t say where). And yes, if you happen to find this and went on that, just… Yeah. I…

So the revision course. I was terrified, because I don’t get on with blind people very well most of the time because I don’t fit in.

This girl. Let’s call her Hazel, because she was special to me and people who mean something to me get naturey names.

Hazel is lovely. She’s INCREDIBLY intelligent and I admire her. She’s my age, is honestly so adorable, she composes, she’s amazing, and we can talk for ages.

I wasn’t attracted to her to begin with, I don’t think. But I wanted to talk to her. We walked to lessons together a LOT, sat by each other a lot. She was about the only person I could comfortably carry on a conversation with – MORE than comfortably!

It was on the second day. I remember that. We’d been talking, the previous day, and she’t said that her parents weren’t really accepting of people from the LGBTQ community. And that they weren’t very accepting in general.

I wanted to tell her then. Because I didn’t know her before, but I thought – is she a homophobe? Or whatever you call someone who’s against bisexuality. Biphobe? Nah…

The next day, we had talked even more. We were… Close.

And I told her.

“Um, Hazel… You know how you said your parents weren’t very accepting of people who weren’t straight? Are you… Are you against it too?”

“No! No, of COURSE not!”

“Well yeah um I’m bi…”

“Oh okay! Yeah… I think I might be too.”

“Wha… Really?”

I was the first person, besides one of her friends, who she’d told. In fact, I don’t even think she’d told her properly. She said she was more gay than bi.

And then something happened in my mind.

I don’t know if it was just because we both knew we liked girls. I honestly hope it wasn’t, because Hazel is so great and so nice that I probably would have fancied her anyway, but I must have suppressed it or not even realised it was an option.

And then for the rest of the time, it was torture.

It gets fuzzy. When things happened, in what order, that kind of thing. But I remember what they were, and how they made me feel.

I had to stop myself from getting too close.

She was so innocent, I suppose. Never swore, which was so different to me – well, you KNOW me and my swearing tendencies!

I remember, distinctly, when we discussed music. She asked me to play for her, and to sing. And so after a few protests from me, I did. I came back to the seats after I’d finished the song – I play piano and sing – and she it was amazing, and beautiful. And that she wasn’t as good.

Which is STUPID because she is. I heard her play, once, when she was in her room. I came in and just stood there, because it was so beautiful.

We sat so close all the time. Maybe that was just me being a creep, but I just wanted… Something.

We went on the coach to go bowling on the last day. I sat next to her, and we talked so much, and we touched hands so much too, because she said my hands were perfect for piano playing and that hers were just horrible. So, of course I had to prove her wrong. I sound like such a weirdo, but… I don’t even care.

See? Every second of the day. In lessons, when she was around, when she WASN’T.

She taught me how to play chess, too. I lost, obviously, but it was just such an amazing moment.

When we left to go home, she and I hugged for so long. There was just so much pent up emotion, and I remember all the little moments. The ways we spoke and the things we said, and every pause between sentences where we just sat in comfortable silence.

I don’t think she felt the same way, but it just proves to me that I CAN like both boys and girls.

I miss her. I miss her a LOT. We said things to each other, and complimented each other, and now I miss her.

I wasn’t in love with her. I just liked her, a lot.

Should I tell her?

If I ever meet her again, I think those feelings will come back. But I just don’t know.

Oh, thank god I wrote that! I needed to get it off my chest.

AHA! Sexuality and All That Jazz

Well damnit, it’s time I made a bloody post on this, right?

Coming out is fucking stupid.

No NO – I don’t mean people shouldn’t have to come out as gay, bi, trans, asexual etc. People need labels so people know, and the world is so unaccepting that it’s horrible. “What, you don’t like boys? WHAT! WHAT! YOU SICK-” NO. Just no!

I MEAN THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO COME OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

You shouldn’t be straight unless proven otherwise. You should be UNDECIDED UNTIL IT’s CLEAR TO YOU WHICH GENDERS YOU LIKE AND DO NOT LIKE!

This makes me so, so angry.

Why?

Because I’m bisexual.

There. Said it.

I ‘came out’, though not publically. I told people if it came up. I told my friends of course so they’d talk about both girls and boys. But no one else knows – because why should they?

If they assume I’m straight, that’s THEIR problem.

Ugh. I’m going to post later about a small crush I had on this girl – I HATE doing two posts a day; it makes me feel odd.

What are your thoughts on this topic? I hope it doesn’t cause too much controversy.

From Elm