That’s a Funny Feeling

I was reading when I started to contemplate love, AGAIN, and that’s a rare thing for me, because I hardly ever sit myself down and truly THINK about it. Does that make ANY sense?

I’ve been in love once before, with Ash – my previous best friend who despises me now; it’s a long story. That feeling was the most terrifying and confusing emotion I have ever felt: it threw me into the waves, brought me high on a crest, spun me round and round and buffetted me until I was black and blue all over, and though it hurt it was the most exhillerating sensation. I KNEW when I was in love – and a year ago today, I was, and I can’t shake the feeling that’s ironic. Not IRONIC, but weird, and I’ll explain why.

You remember Aspen And if not, then just click on his name, and have a look at that post because I’m a lazy bastard – at least I have the motivation to do this post, damnit!

I am not in love with Aspen.

Yet.

And that, guys, is what scares me – the “yet” part. Because these feelings have grown within TWO WEEKS of knowing him, not by my choice, and it’s NEVER a choice when I get feelings for someone, or how fast those feelings grow. I’m so scared that they’ll run away with me, sweep me along with them, and I can never do anything about them. Ignoring those feelings just makes me even more terrified.

He’s in Iceland until Monday on a geography trip, and our messages last night were lovely and made me realise how much I cared for this boy. I’m starting to think that he feels the same way about me, but this doubt is ALWAYS there, creeping into my mind, never letting me go.

All the clues point to it – Wren, Ashe, Red, EVERYONE has told me that – and I’m starting to believe it. I’m starting to think he DOES, and I can’t do that, because getting my hopes up just brings them crashing back down. I won’t think about that.

Wren said to me, in English, “It’s fucking obvious you think he’s into you!” And she’s right, actually. I DO, and I’m hoping, but is he “into me” because I’m a GIRL, or because I’m me?

I won’t dwell on it. I want to be happy, but I’m scared that I’ll get feelings too fast, or that he doesn’t feel like I do. I want things to go right, for BOTH of us, however that may be.

Thank you so much for reading. I guess I’m really happy right now, even if I have a mountain of homework to do.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t get crushes on appearance, but the alternative’s worse

So I just remembered this HORRIFYING crush on this boy I had in year 8 for about a year… And the small one I had on someone I’d never spoken to in year 10… And that bad one in year 9…

OKAY OKAY. You know how a lot of people say that blind people can’t have crushes on someone’s appearance, and how that’s good because they won’t judge? YEAH, that’s true, but…

At least for me, I find other things to crush on. Oho, let’s jump right in.

In year 8, I had a HUGE crush on this boy – I won’t name him or even make a codename for him – for a year. I was CONVINCED I was in love with him – so much so that I would literally imagine what it would be like to be married to him and oh god no what even… And you know WHY I had a crush on him?

BECAUSE OF HIS VOICE. And the way he spoke in class. What the hell?! (I mean, he was also really intelligent and I had a massive crush on that, and there were probably other reasons, but seriously I thought I was so grown up and it was SO superficial).

And then, there was this time at the end of year 10 – or year 9 I can’t remember. Each year, we have an assembly where somebody usually plays music at the beginning or at the end, and that year this guy played piano.

AND HOLY SHIT, I GOT A CRUSH ON HOW HE PLAYED PIANO. (Red, if you’re reading this, don’t laugh; I know you know who this is and if you show him I’ll kill you). I didn’t have a CRUSH on the guy, but I was obsessed with him for about a day, so it counts.

Seriously, though, his piano playing was amazing. And beautiful. And I said how amazing and beautiful it was and then I was told he was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME when I said that… Yah, thanks, Willow and Pine.

Argh… There have been others. Like the time I fancied someone purely because they made me laugh on one occasion, or the time I was literally OBSESSED with somebody… Hmmm… Let’s not go into that.

The point is, I have had SO many superificial crushes on people; I’m not exactly immune. I don’t get crushes on the colour of someone’s eyes; I get crushes on the way they say (x squared plus 12.”

I hope you enjoyed reading that! Or perhaps I’m just blabbering about nonsense. If you like these kinds of posts, do let me know!

What are some of the seriously weird crushes you’ve had on people? Please tell me I’m not alone!

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

What the Hell did I Just Do?!

I’m in shock. Complete shock. My heart’s still going at a million miles an hour and oh god, I’m a complete idiot.

So you know that yesterday, Palm broke up with me. Yesterday. Remember that, YESTERDAY.

And today, well, I-

For FUCK’s SAKE.

So my two friends came round to my house today – both blind and known them for years. There was K, who is 13 and… S, who’s my age. I’d use tree names but with K, I think he has a blog and S… I honestly can’t think of one that fits.

They stayed from 9:30 till 5 and to put it simply, we talked a lot. As the time progressed, I eventually held S’s hand a lot and got close with him and I’m cringing just writing this. There’s something wrong with me; I feel like a slut or some derogatory word like that.

There was a sort of buildup of emotion in me. K kept joking that S and I should get together and I was sort of wanting K to go to the loo for a few minutes by the end of it so I could see what happened, but then I didn’t because K is great and he shouldn’t need to feel he had to give us “alone time”.

Point is, a few minutes before we went to the train station, K DID go to the loo and, er, oh shit.

S and I kissed. I think. I don’t even know. I initiated it and fuck, WHY did I do that?! He didn’t object but I was horrified at myself and I don’t know HOW it happened.

Like I genuinely don’t know what I did, or how to describe it, or whether it was what people normally do and CRAP. I should have remembered it because for god’s sake, it was my first proper one – or was it? WAS IT?! I don’t know if I should count it.

He said he’d miss me before and AFTER it happened. Still can’t believe I did that, what the hell, I’m ELM, ELM, ELM! I’m not who you’d usually expect to have casual shit with people!

And then afterwards I felt so miserable when K and him left: K because K’s one of my good friends and I don’t get to see him that often, and S because of what had happened.

We talked about it just now and he said he was glad I did it but am I glad I did it? I think so.

Look, I don’t have strong feelings for him. I don’t WANT a relationship because I am still screwed up by the last one WHICH FUCKING ENDED YESTERDAY, what is wrong with me!

When people read this, they’ll probably say it shows I wasn’t committed to Palm but the thing is, I was, and that’s why I think I did it. I think S and I kissed for the sheer hell of it, or something, I don’t know, help me?

Oh god, I have no idea what to do. I REALLY don’t want a relationship. I often used to think that flings and “hook-ups” were awful, but ever since I went to France last year and this year (this year more) I realised it’s not TOO bad, but I thought I wouldn’t be the type of person to have one but I am. I am. I AM.

I shouldn’t have done it? Or is it okay? I feel like people should be disgusted with me, because I am a little with myself. Yesterday. And then today I just couldn’t stop myself at ALL. And I WANTED to do it, because I like him.

And now I feel guilty as hell because K is upset for some reason and I think he thought he shouldn’t have been in the way, which is bullshit because I’m so glad they were BOTH there.

Can someone please give me advice? I’m sorry to ask this of you all but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t really need advice on getting into a relationship with him, because I’ve already decided I don’t want to, but is that okay? Is what I did okay? Am I awful?!

Okay, breathe. BREATHE.

But if I saw him again I’d want to kiss him again or actually do that properly rather than the thing we did which, I don’t know what it was because I’VE NEVER DONE THIS PROPERLY BEFORE!

I need to calm down. I’m just scared I’m a terrible… Thing. Slut, slag, whore, user, fucker-around-with-emotions, whatever.

From Elm :/

I, Er, WHAT, Um, Yeah, What?!

Guys, I have a boyfriend.

GUYS. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

Guys. I. HAVE. A. BOYFRIEND.

Guys, I-

I think you get the picture. I have some, er, explaining to do. Yeah… You might judge me for it, but oh well!

It was last week on Wednesday. I play these game things, which are basically fantasy and you fight things (but it’s text-based). I’ll probably get called a nerd/sad person but heh. So I met this guy on there when he asked if I wanted any help. Me, being paranoid, said yes – we talked for a while, but then I asked him my age before he asked mine so that I knew he wasn’t lying. He said he was 15 – baring in mind I hadn’t said my age, and the majority of people on there were 20-30 which is why I didn’t talk to them. I found out he’s also blind and that he lives about an hour away from me.

So on Friday, the day I came back from France, I skyped him. Yeah, I know – it’s quick – but I needed to check he wasn’t a paedophile and luckily, he isn’t. I also know he exists because one of my friends has heard of him, and I DO trust that friend.

But, BLOODY HELL. We talk so easily, about anything, and errrr, there was some flirting but… Hahaha… ANYWAY!

We talked about space one day, and how we’ve evolved over the years, and how phones were different back in the 80s – that sort of thing. And he’s talked about his exes and I’ve talked about mine, so we knew how we were paranoid.

I told my dad yesterday about the friendship I had with him and he seemed okay with it. My mum would FLIP though.

Before he asked me out, he called me beautiful and those sorts of things, and he’s just really nice.

But yesterday, he asked me out – I guess we’d been in the in-between stages of a friendship and a relationship, and we both couldn’t deal with it. I freaked a little, and needed to breathe, and went away to think.

I had questions running through my head: What if it’s too soon? What if I’m making a mistake? What if I screw it up? What if what if what if… What if I get judged?

I need to now say a massive thank you to those bloggers on the Kik chat for supporting me, and helping me, and being so lovely. Guys, I couldn’t have asked for better friends. You are so wonderful.

After my freakout, I skyped him again, and we had possibly the longest and most in-depth conversation about how we felt. We warned each other of how we might act sometimes – he sometimes flips out at ANYTHING, and I sometimes get so insecure that I need reassurance.

We talked about our worries, and what we were scared of.

It was so amazing to talk to him about it, because we were laying bare what each other NEEDED to know.

Later on, I may find out things about him, but I don’t care. I’m going to see where this takes me.

I’m going to update my status on Facebook after I get back from blind camp, because if my mum questions where I met him and I’m not brave enough, I can always say there. He and I have arranged to meet up before the summer ends – that was something I was adamant about, and he agreed with me.

I know this will probably come as a shock to loads of you, and I’m sorry for not posting about this sooner, but I wanted to sort things out in my mind. You’ve all supported me through my various heartbreaks and breakdowns over the last 4 months, so thank you SO much for that. From Ash to Cedar to Birch to Hazel to Cassia – you’ve always been there.

Keep being yourselves!

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚
PS: I need a tree name. Somebody help?

I Fricking Bit the Bullet

I told him.

Yes. I told Birch I had feelings for him. After my last post, I decided that I had enough.

So I told him. I messaged him, saying, “Can I tell you something?” Took me a lot of convincing to let myself send that message. And then, once he’d said yes, I told him.

In summary, he said that it wasn’t awkward and that it was completely fine. Then he said that he wasn’t into getting into a relationship with anyone for that matter.

He never outright said he DIDN’T like me like that, but I’m going with the assumption that he meant it in that way. It’s safer, and I can’t get my hopes up any more. I feel a LITTLE crushed, but to be honest, the fact that he TOLD me is a step up from what happened last time. I have to commend him for that.

Yeah. It’s only just hit me what I’ve done and now I feel a bit sick. It’s a VERY long time since I’ve been brave enough to admit how I felt about someone to them – in fact, I’ve NEVER said it outright to anyone before.

I gave myself a speech before pressing that ‘send’ button. In the middle of it, I pressed it to shut myself up, then freaked. I could feel my heart thumping and straight after I Skyped Red and just had a ‘What DID I JUST DO I CAN’T SPEAK’ moment.

I was terrified, but I’m glad I did it. I’ve never felt so sick and scared in my life, besides when telling Ash certain things about myself, but this time it was different. There wasn’t PAIN when Birch said no. Not much, anyway, but it was just a resigned sort of feeling.

Yes, I’m upset. Yes, I just want something to go right. But at the same time, I’m so glad I told him.

In other news, I just had the longest and most distressing conversation with my father I’ve had in a very long time. It involved me bawling my eyes out over the fact that my mother always makes me feel shit about myself. I think he must have been worried, because I rarely ever show that side of myself to him. About my mother – long story – I’ll explain, some other time.

I’m drained. My eyes feel heavy and I feel somewhat miserable. I got back from the concert and, after my mother left to go back there, I flipped out completely. Like I never have before. It was fucking terrifying. I’m SO glad I cried, though, because it was an outlet of emotion from the Birch thing, and from the concert thing, and I needed it.

I think I need sleep. This is just an update post, really; I’m not TOO sad. I just needed the closure.

Thanks so much for reading, and thank you also to every single one of you who supported me and commented on my last post. You are all fantastic.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Well. That’s very Disappointing

The one thing I didn’t even CONSIDER going wrong, did go wrong.

Before you read this post, read my previous one, because I honestly can’t explain the situation again.

Let’s recount EXACTLY what happened.

History is the second lesson – we had an assembly first thing. So I’m walking up the stairs, thinking: “Please don’t let something go wrong, please please PLEASE!”

I hear his voice coming from the classroom, and start to hope. “Okay,” I think. “This will be good.”

I walk to my chair, and am about to sit down.

When I realise: somebody is in my chair. I sit in the one next to it.

Yes. Of course Birch didn’t want to sit next to me. I thought that we would, but NO! He wants to sit next to Tom, a boy I didn’t KNOW he was friends with, and completely blank me throughout the lesson.

We were doing a quiz, and the quiz ITSELF was fun. But all through the lesson, I was listening to him talking to Tom and feeling ill and angry and jealous – not because he might “like” Tom because he’s not into boys, but because I wanted to be the one sitting next to him.

I’ve more or less given up. He gave me one-word responses on Facebook yesterday, so I’ve obviously done something. I just don’t see the point any more.

Maybe something will happen next year. Maybe I’ll tell him now to get it out of the way with. That’s probably what I’ll do, because I’m SICK of feeling like shit all the time and of everything not going to plan.

I WANTED today to be filled with happiness for me, because it’s the last day before the summer holidays start.

I also sit next to my friend Oak in History. He got it. I kept on having that pressure behind your eyes where you NEARLY start crying. Luckily, I didn’t, but I just felt so so angry and kept on muttering “fuck this!”

I waited for my friend Willow outside her sociology class, and basically had a breakdown minus the crying. I faced the wall and talked to Oak but I could barely speak and I could hear Birch’s voice down the corridor. I’m almost positive Ash saw me as he walked out of the classroom, because WHO wouldn’t see me? I was quite obvious.

I just feel rather hollow and disappointed. It doesn’t help that later, I have to go to a concert which I have no interest in, and which I KNOW will be terrible. This is NOT how I wanted to end my week. Or my year.

I’m so done. In the playground, Wren knew something was wrong and she hugged me and I clung on for dear life, because I was shaking.

And, well. Don’t read this next bit if you’re affected by mentions of self-harm.

I scratched my arms a little in history and then at break because I thought it was my fault. I just had enough.

Okay, sorry for mentioning that. I now feel guilty and awful for doing that.

To be honest, I just want to have a massive cry. I don’t know.

It’s not like when the Ypres trip was cancelled. I don’t want to utterly destroy myself.

But in a way, it’s similar. I HOPED, and I hoped so much that I fell further. I blame myself for that, really, because I should KNOW by now.

To you, this may all seem so whiny. “Why’s she so upset about this? It’s only a little thing!” Perhaps you’re right. To me, it’s a big thing inside my mind.

Yes, I might be misreading this, but I’m just so disappointed in myself and everything.

Sorry. It’s not anger I feel now; I’m just VERY upset. My English lesson was wonderful, and has helped a little, but I still feel utterly awful because…

Please tell me the truth – is the selfish to want someone? I’m getting desperate and that is NOT good. I can’t rebound; I won’t let myself because that hurts so, so much.

After History, I said to Oak: “Oh fuck it. I’ll just move on again.” It’s true. It’s all I do, you know? Rebound rebound rebound. He said I shouldn’t TOTALLY give up. I don’t know.

Is it selfish to want something to go right? I ALWAYS think it is.

Thank you so much for reading that.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

It Wasn’t A Dodgy Dream Seriously

I’m more happy today than I was yesterday. Yeah, that was messy.

Casually playing the London Underground song at full volume (yes, plus the swearing) because I can’t go to work experience today. WHY? BECAUSE THE TUBE IS ON STRIKE. WELL DONE, GUYS! Really outdid yourself this time!

I woke up late today. By that, I mean at about 9. Yah, I know – rebel, right?!

But I had a dream last night.

Get your mind out of the gutter! There was some romantic shit involved, but NOT LIKE THAT!

I don’t remember much about it, honestly.

Birch and I were on a school trip. Before you ask – no, I don’t know where it was. It was very strange, because I remember being with my friend Willow and laughing, but nothing of what happened and where we went or what we did. I DID, but I’ve forgotten.

What I remember was two Birch’s. I THINK. Maybe it was the same person, but I sat in between the both of them.

So, the two Birch’s. The real one, and someone… Pretending to be him?

But it was still him.

And the ‘real’ Birch SEEMED like the fake one, dulled down in comparison. It’s weird because I knew the fake Birch wasn’t Birch, but he acted so like the Birch outside my dream that… I’m so confused, what?!

Let’s call the real one Birch A, and the ‘fake’ one Birch B.

So I fell in love with Birch B, apparently. And we ‘went out’. Like I said, I barely remember any of it. I remember being dragged off by Willow whilst trying to hold Birch B’s hand, shrieking like a madwoman. I also remember us discussing changing our relationship status on Facebook.

At some points, I knew it was a dream. I didn’t want to wake up because the dream was so, so amazing. I forgot the fake Birch was fake – maybe he WASN’T fake; I don’t know. I do remember thinking, ‘I want to tell my friends about this so much when I wake up.’

It’s weird now. There are these little snatches of thought I vaguely remember, like thinking ‘Birch B is the kind of person I would like to fall in love with’.

The thing I remember the most clearly was when the dream fast-forwarded to a school day, when I was talking to Red after the trip.

“Hey, can you check your drama class for Birch?”

“Yeah, he’s here.”

“No, not THAT birch… A different one, but he’s still Birch. Birch B”

Red seemed to know what I was talking about, but I remember feeling really confused.

The dream ended.

I have a horrible feeling this is supposed to be symbolic, but I don’t care. My warped mind comes up with the strangest things sometimes.

Other stuff happened, but I don’t remember it. You know when something’s just out of your reach?

Damnit, that was a screwed up dream.

Hope you enjoyed!

From Elm

I Think this Emotion Might Stick Around?

It came to me, about an hour ago, that I really think I AM happy.

I don’t know where the thought came from, I don’t think. Or rather, it just came out of nowhere.

I wasn’t happy, before. In fact at some points, I’ve… Okay, I’m not going to say what I was about to say. It’s just downright depressing and not needed.

But you’ve seen my posts. And if you haven’t – there’s a category called Not Very Happy Posts which, well, it’s self-explanatory. Go have a look, and you’ll see what I mean.

But now, I genuinely think I’m happy. Life is… Good.

Then again, something could happen that could blow everything out of the sky. I know everything could set me off into misery AGAIN.

It’s the little things that I think about.

Laughing so hard with Birch in history that I nearly cry.

Smiling like a lunatic when I ask him:

“So, who’re you going to sit next to on the coach to Ypres?”

“I don’t know. All my friends are on the other coach – obviously I know you really well, but I’m talking about people who I’ve known for YEARS.”

“Yeah, I know how you feel. Well, um… If you want to, and there’s no one else, you can sit next to me.”

“Ah yeah, that’d be good.”

SCREAMS. So in conclusion, I MIGHT be sitting next to him on a 6-hour coach journey. Might being the operative word, because we didn’t talk much when the lesson ended to finalise it. And because I’m a moron, I didn’t wait for him before I walked down the stairs, smiling so widely my face nearly broke.

“Ey, Birch?”

“Mm-hmm?”

“Who ARE your friends in this class?”

“Well, you.”

“Yay!”

Getting emails from Hazel.

Just walking and talking and laughing with Odd, when it’s just so comfortable and funny and amazing.

Talking on Skype with Red for hours, knowing people understand me and actually give a crap.

Smiling, all the time, and laughing, and feeling so light.

Sharing an inside joke with Willow – Project France, #Albert, LEONARDO.

Bantering in English and laughing with Wren.

Having this blog, and the friends and community that comes with it, to ALWAYS help me, and cheer me up.

EVERYTHING.

And, you know, I’m trying NOT to think about Ash. It hurts too much. If he talks to me again, it’s unavoidable, but…

I think I can get over him.

I love my friends so much.

I’m happy.

He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not – WHAT EVEN!

Because I’m tired of writing depressing posts that make me miserable, I’m going to write a happy post.

Y’know Birch?

I had history with him today. It was… IT WAS…

Alright I DON’T FLIRT! Wouldn’t know how. But a lot of laughing happened. And a lot of accidentally touching forearms. And a lot of smiles. And a lot of “OH MY GOD one week till we go to Ypres!” and a lot of jokes (anti-jokes) and…

And a lot of talking when walking down the stairs. Yeah – romantic, right? HA! Willow waited for me at the bottom and we walked out together, him in front and us behind and I was so fucking happy.

So I have a friend – um, need tree name help. Yew? Beech? Beech is too similar to Birch. Rowan? Already got a Rowan.

Oak. (Thank you, Wren). Anyway, some context: Oak and I have become quite close recently after we trusted each other with things, like I told him about Ash. And he “called it” as he ALWAYS reminds me – as in Birch and I – and when I told him I liked Birch he more or less imploded whilst screaming, “I CALLED IT! DIDN’T I!”

Oak said that Birch looks at me. A lot. When we talk, he looks at me very thoughtfully, as if he’s thinking about what he says. He looks at me as if he’s happy – when I was walking with Willow, he looked at me and smiled. Though, then again, we HAD just walked down the stairs together, talking and me cackling because he told me of a time when he got his shoe caught and nearly fell over.

And Oak thinks he might POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY, have SOME kind of romantic feelings for me.

And… Maybe he’s right? Just MAYBE? Sometimes, Birch acts so… Birch-like. Funny, relaxed around me, so happy it makes ME happy, and I need that. But sometimes he just seems… I don’t know. Like I mean nothing to him – that’s not right; I don’t know how to describe it.

I’m giddy. And confused. We’re going to Ypres in Belgium on a school trip, next Friday. Maybe something will happen then. Maybe I’ll MAKE something happen?

I’m nervous. It’s not like the last time I thought someone liked me, ages and ages ago. This time, I’m not SCARED.

This time, if things go wrong as they did before and I missread the signs, it won’t be as painful. I HOPE.

This time, I really think I can do this.

Life Updates and Being A REAL LIFE TREE

Yesterday’s post was one of the worst ones I’ve ever written, in terms of feeling like utter crap.

Luckily, I’m better now. I think. I’m GETTING better. It was mainly because of my friends, at school, who are amazing and get my mind off things.

And Birch. (Red has started to refer to my various… Loves *vomits* by their tree names which is just so awesome because y’know Elm and shit).

History was well right banter geddit m9? I just said that. I needed the pick-me-up because I had a Chemistry test (which NOBODY told me about, by the way, so I didn’t revise) and I was nearly in tears by the end of it.

There were so many jokes in History, it was unreal. I was miserable to begin with but then I just thought ‘fuck it!’ and DID NOT FLIRT AT ALL HAHAHAHAHAAAA, where did you get that impression from?! Oh my god WHAT THE OSCAR?!

Speaking of that AMAZING catchphrase – at lunch, Wren was… I don’t really know what she was doing. But Red turned round and screamed, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE OSCAR!” I nearly cried. I started screeching – I mean, he’d called someone a Twatmonger before, and he’s becoming Elmish! HE IS!

Anyway – my friend keeps on telling me Birch looks at me in history, like he’s wondering if he likes me? BULLSHIT – ANYWAY!

Hopefully this weekend I’ll be on Skype for the majority of the time, talking to ma festes friend EVA, Odd. I… Think I need to calm. Also, internet friends are amazing.

And practicing for my GCSE music performance SHITE!!!

By the way, you are ALL amazing. Thank you for your advice on my last post – I was in an awful mood and I needed the help. So thank you, again, and I don’t know what I’d do without this blog.

From Elm