Something I Want to Tell You

I swear, as of late, my blog’s become a place for terrifyingly deep posts, or for announcing shit that’s been happening with no prior warning. Of course, as you can tell by the VERY ambiguous title, it’s the latter.

Long story short, I have a boyfriend. I never said I’d ease you into the “revelation”!

So. A lot’s been happening over the last… Three months. Pretty much all of it, I couldn’t talk about on my blog because:
The people in question read it
Some of them didn’t know and I couldn’t deal with them knowing just then
I felt so horrific, emotion-wise, that even if I could write about it I wouldn’t know how

Even now, I can’t be entirely honest. Stuff is still happening, which is making me feel god-awful but there’s nothing I can do. This will be a short post, well, to announce this very mysterious thing that you’re not curious about.

Back to the point of this: Elm has a boyfriend. I think I’ve done two of these announcement posts before? This one’s a little different.

Some of you know, but to most of you, this will be a massive surprise. There’s a good reason as to why I haven’t been talking about the specifics of my love life, but if you read some of my more recent posts, you might be able to pick up on some barely-there references. I mean, even I can’t pick them up much, but I’ve found out that people can read me better than I can.

Err soooo, the boyfriend… How do I explain this without totally confusing myself and you?

Last summer, so back in the days when I was naive Elm, I wrote about a guy called S. It’s annoying because I can’t think of a tree name for him and at the time, I was so panicked that I picked a LETTER. UGH. You can find the post here and I suggest you do, to get some context.

As you read, he was my first kiss. Then, I fucked it all up by bailing on him in the October half term of that year, and then we didn’t really speak for 3 months. I learned a huge lesson then, and that was that I was VERY much capable of getting scared and throwing something great away. After January, we sort of spoke; it wasn’t that I was upset with him or he was with me, but so much other stuff was happening.

Here’s where it gets blurry, into the section that I can’t talk about much. If I didn’t WANT to tell you, I wouldn’t have mentioned that I can’t talk about it, but I’m dealing with not just my emotions here. After the breakup with Rapunzel, complicated shit started happening. Again, because of privacy and because I find it kind of horrible to dwell on it, I can’t talk about it so much. All I’ll say is a screwed up “love triangle” occurred and I felt so guilty that at times I couldn’t think.

The “official” relationship started about a week and a half ago. It’s actually been going on for a while, but I’ve been much too scared to admit that I wanted a relationship until now. You know me – I question my feelings all the time, and get afraid that I’ll screw things up. What happened in terms of it would be something I’d be describing if I COULD, and maybe one day I will.

He makes me very happy. We’ve known each other for, technically, 6 years and though he wasn’t around for some of the massive things in my life, he saw me before AND after the changes in my personality and still put up with me. Even when I was a dick to him (he said I wasn’t but shhh), he stuck by me. It WILL seem out of the blue, but I needed to tell you because I trust you all.

It’s funny, because he understands me so much. Sometimes I don’t even need to finish my sentence, because he knows what I mean anyway. The relationship’s long-distance, but I’m okay with that; we’re not the type of people to suddenly lose interest because I trust him enough for him or I NOT to do something stupid. I’m able to laugh around him and be serious and yes, he gets frustrated with me sometimes but so do I.

This is the thing. I’ve been wanting to tell you guys for so long, to update you on EVERYTHING but I still can’t. I needed to tell a few people first, because this is a blog that goes out to the Internet and though I wanted you to be the first to know, it didn’t turn out that way.

Relationships won’t ever be 100 percent perfect. I’ll have my crying moments, my feeling shit moments, but I’ll also have times where I feel so incredibly happy. My sister asked me if I actually liked the people I had relationships with, which is the first time I’ve ever been properly offended in a while. Because though it could be argued that I have had a fair few “relationships”, they’ve all got me to where I am right now. That right now isn’t perfect, but it’s here and I’m willing to make it shitloads better.

All in all, I’m happy. I’m in a relationship and I’m happy because of that; I don’t hate myself for it or think I’m rushing, because it took me a long time to realise I wanted one and to finally put a part of my happiness first.

Thank you for ALWAYS sticking by me through everything that’s happened. In having this blog, I’ve got more confident as my love life’s expanded and gone a little haywire at times. This post may seem a bit bland, laying out the facts with little emotion, but I don’t know how else to put it.

If you do want the full story of what’s been happening, you can email me or click on my contact page. I’ll tell you, if you’re willing to read long paragraphs about my life.

I wish I could post everything, but sometimes I can’t. Balancing who reads this blog from real life and me letting out my emotions can sometimes be very difficult, and now’s one of those times.

I want you to remember something. Always, no matter what, look at things from someone else’s perspective. Don’t jump to conclusions, or treat someone as the villain outright, because the likelihood is that you don’t know the full story. You can’t know how a person thinks, and you can’t get inside their brain to feel all their emotions – so, before you tell yourself they’ve done something, think about how they feel about it.

I’m ready to deal with everything, and I know you’ll see me through it.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Just To let You Know

This is just a quick note to say I broke up with Aspen.

Before you say anything, he’s done NOTHING to hurt me and I’m not angry with him. He’s a fantastic guy and I respect him loads, and so I’d rather not talk about this because I won’t expose his privacy.

Thanks everyone.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

He Sits BEHIND ME

URGHNNNHHHGGGRRR I have NOT had a good day! SIGH. Just calm, Elm.

Yeah. In physics I felt goddamned excluded and I don’t know why – I focused on learning but felt just so incredibly miserable because I didn’t understand it, had to get the teacher to help me and felt awful because my VI helper TA person (blind thing urgh c’est compliquรฉ) sitting next to me so I couldn’t talk to anyone and when I tried – butting into a conversation – this boy told me I wasn’t even included and then laughed in a joking way but it hurt like hell and argh.I STILL don’t understand the work and nearly cried in the middle of it and my lovely Physics teacher knew I wasn’t okay but she didn’t ask too much, she just KNEW, which was good because otherwise I really would have burst into tears.

I have a test tomorrow and I need to revise for it and I feel sick, because I haven’t revised much yet. I got a maths past paper I have to do for next week and if I don’t do it NOW I’ll do it at the last minute, and I have to think through my history coursework – you know what? Screw that; I have enough notes that I can plan it a little tonight and just write tomorrow.

So, I’m stressed, and I’m angry; nothing knew – but it’s not a self-loathing anger. I just feel a little sad.

Because I was bored, I messaged Palm saying “Hii” – Palm’s my ex-boyfriend who I went out with for two weeks in the summer. PSH. I’m not sure why I did that, because as much as he’s a nice person, we don’t really speak. Ever. And he’ll probably end up reading this and he’s just sent me a voice message and urgh…. This is ACTUALLY stressing me out for no good reason.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but now – on Thursdays (not on Tuesdays thank God) Ash sits directly behind me in French and I felt sick because he was actually here today. Goddamnit, I STILL can’t hate him even though I try, because of that knowledge I have that he DID appreciate my friendship. BASTARD. SOOOO immature, Elm!

I’m tired. REALLY tired. Whenever anyone asks me if I’m okay, my response is always “Yeah, I’m just tired.” That’s true, but not the whole truth. I shouldn’t lie.

The thing that’s keeping me together is that on Saturday, I’m having my birthday party and Aspen is going to meet all my school friends and it will be amazing. Less than two days to go – and the people there are my close friends, and I’m so happy that there are ones there that I would never have confided in last year. It shows you how friendships can grow.

Has your day been okay? Like I said yesterday, I started the Kik group and it’s going really well so far! I went a little hyper yesterday because of it.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Let’s NOT Compare the Two

“Do you think you’re in love, Elm?”

“I… Yes. Again, yes.”

“What about the feelings you had for Ash – are the ones with Aspen stronger?”

“I’m not sure – they’re VERY different, but they’re the same strength if you think about it like that. If not stronger.”

“Yeah, but I think THIS one is better, because you had a LOT of self-hatred last time.”

“Yup. I won’t lie to you – I was in love with Ash; I’m not denying it. I mean he’s a dick and he made me feel awful but…”

“He unintentionally messed you up really badly and hurt you. I mean, Elm, you were at rock bottom and now you seem so much happier.”

“Yeah, I am. Don’t want to ever go back to that.”

That was a paraphrased conversation I had with Wren this lunch when we were queuing to get food. Before that, we’d discussed some topics that were bloody mature, which of course lead onto the topic of love. More was said, but I can’t really remember it – that was the gist.

I shouldn’t really be writing now because it’s late and I’m more or less incoherent and I hit self-loathing mode earlier, but I’m managing. I want to talk about something that makes me HAPPY.

I don’t think you can ever compare two feelings of love, or the feelings you get for two people. So, I won’t. I’ll just lay out the facts.

Ash let me experience the most wonderful friendship I’ve ever had. He trusted me. He was a lovely person and made me feel okay about myself when I wanted to just crawl away and never come back. I’ll always thank him for that.

But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly and I’m still recovering. I thought I’d be permanently screwed up and that I’d never be able to feel for someone like I did Ash. I was WRONG, and right, but mostly wrong.

Because, um, Aspen happened. Here we go with the sentimentality. Sorry about this, but this is what you get when I write at quarter to eleven.

Sometimes you get feelings that just overpower you in the best way, and you want to hold them forever. I don’t know how to explain this.

Aspen has shown me, indirectly, that I’m not totally screwed up. I CAN feel love again. I’m worth something – err yeah, I’m slowly getting convinced.

Every single damn time I have a breakdown and feel so sick I can’t actually do a thing, he’s there for me, which makes me feel RATHER guilty but there you go. He reminds me of all my good qualities and even some I didn’t know existed within me. Every time we talk, there’s a mix of humour and talking about “deep shit” – I don’t know how to say it, but I’m still surprised whenever he says “I love you”.

I wish I could talk about this better. He means more to me than I could ever have imagined and part of me doesn’t understand how I got this lucky, after the MONTHS and MONTHS of freakouts and breakdowns over Ash where I felt like my whole world had flipped over. Aspen knows about it and he can tell how bad it gets sometimes, which I thank him for. I thank him for a LOT of things.

It probably seems odd that I CONSTANTLY talk about Ash, but he was a huge part of my life and I can’t change that. He still affects me, but less so, because I have someone who can help me get through the worst of the pain. Me, thinking I was SO mature, thought I knew what love felt like when I fell in love with Ash, but that was only the surface of it. My feelings for Ash are as valid as the ones for Aspen, but they’re so different and Aspen doesn’t and HASN’T caused me confusion and pain and hasn’t broken my heart. Ash has done all of those, which is why the feelings were so different.

I won’t say either are BETTER feelings, but I’m so much more happy now than I was. I can honestly say that YEAH, I’m in love for the second time and I’m not scared of it like I was before. I CAN feel these things and it’s okay and I’m not betraying my memory of Ash. I never went out with Ash, but it still stands.

Where did this post go? I’m not sure. I’m rambling about my feelings, but I’m happy about it.

Don’t ever think you can’t feel something again, because you CAN. I’ll be here to convince you of that, along with your friends and anyone else who will listen. You’re not alone and it might hurt right now, but trust me, you WILL get through it. It’s patronising of me to say, but it’s true. Don’t give up on yourself.

I literally thought my world had crumbled when I realised I wasn’t in love with Ash any more. It was the worst feeling – or close to it – I have experienced in a very long time. But it taught me something, as everything with Aspen is teaching me something: it might look shitty now, but if I don’t get through it, I might never know what I could have missed.

I feel like this post could have been better. Soon, I’ll expand on my feelings MORE, because I didn’t really do a very good job here.

Hope this wasn’t too sentimental. for you, OR for me. I’ll probably look back on this and cringe.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

THE ANNOUNCEMENT

Yeah, so this is a LONG, LONG overdue post – sorry for saying I was going to post this about a million times before I actually did.

Alright, guys. Brace yourselves. And prepare to roll your eyes and sigh, or whatever you do when you realise the Elm’s done it again.

I, err, have a boyfriend.

Remember Aspen? If not, read every single post from this category because I’m a lazy twat and yeah…

I’m nervous of your reactions, not that I should be. You’ve seen me through it all – a lot of you have – remember Ash, Birch and Palm? Har har.

In one of my previous posts, I said “I’m not in love with Aspen. Yet.”

Ohhh, Elm, you’re SUCH a liar. Is it possible for feelings to grow this quickly? I think yes, though it’s difficult NOT to second guess myself.

It was actually quite a funny story as to how this came about – and I know it’s sudden, and will come as a shock to some of you, because my signature rushing-into-relationships always ends badly. But I HOPE this is different. You get people who you just know aren’t complete bastards and who WON’T hurt you, because it’s literally not in their nature.

So, he was in Iceland (this was a week and a half ago), and me being a clingy so-and-so, messaged him a lot. And at one point we were talking, and I said “I love talking to you.” And in what we now call the typo of the century, he said “I love you,” and things escalated from there. I said I fancied him, we talked it out, then at about 1 o’clock at night (morning?) we understood we both returned each other’s feelings. And when I say we talked it out, I do mean that; you guys know I’m the type of person to get horrendous insecurities and paranoia.

AND OH MY GOD, the feeling I got then was… Insane. I just don’t know how to describe it. Relief and the feeling you get after the most intense rush of fear has been quelled. Do you get what I’m saying – even I don’t!

I met up with him on Wednesday (a week ago today holy shit) and the Monday that just passed. We met on the internet, but something so amazing – in real life – grew out of that. It’s not awkward and it’s not painful and I don’t have to constantly think of my insecurities. Once, I said that this wasn’t just a faraway dream and I was right.

I can’t help that I’m happy. I won’t say I deserve this after the shit I’ve been through, because that’s pretentious and just no. But what I will say is that I’m glad this has happened.

We haven’t known each other long, but we know each other enough. We’re so comfortable around each other and you know what? These feelings are just as valid as the ones I had for Ash, and can grow to be even more so.

Okay guys, do I show him my blog? I’m scared if I do, but there are just some things he won’t understand about me if I don’t, unless I tell him, but I can’t lie to him. But I’m scared, because…

Some of the posts on here are really horrible. As in scary and messed-up – I’m guessing you know which ones I mean – look up “I’m Facing Up to It”, and “I’ve Snapped”. Do I trust him enough? Yes. But I’m just scared: what if he doesn’t take it seriously? What if he laughs? What if…

Fuck’s sake, what am I saying? We’re talking about HIM here!

Thanks, everyone, for supporting me through it all. I’ve been messed-up over the time I’ve made this blog, but it’s the people on here that have got me through it.

SO, that was the Announcement! I probably made it out to be worse than it was, but there you go. I’m scared of things going wrong, as I always am, but it’s okay. I sometimes think things are moving too fast, but again, I’m me and I know what my limits are and what emotional things I can handle.

I couldn’t lie to you guys. You’re the thing that keeps me holding on sometimes; I’ve been miserable occasionally and your comments make my day. You have no idea how much that means to me, and so, I won’t hide it. I consider you my friends, anyway.

Thank you again; you are truly amazing. And Aspen, if you’re reading this, thanks for putting up with me and trusting me and being wonderful. I love you.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Girls or Boys or Whatever, you know?

Sometimes, I want a relationship with a girl.

NO! That didn’t come out right. One second…

So, I… Like, I suppose you’d say, or am attracted to boys or girls or any gender, really. Not that it matters – I’m saying it for context, I guess. Physically, I’m attracted to both sexes. (Why am I labelling my sexuality like this? I am who I am. Much deep philosophy here).

But I’ve never had a “romantic” experience with a girl. “Saying that, my “romantic” experiences with boys aren’t much to go by, but I’ve had some.

I miss Cassia and Hazel so much sometimes it hurts. Cassia more, because FRANCE and that’s all I’ll say. She never confirmed she was attracted to girls, but the point is, it could have gone somewhere.

It’s not that I WANT a relationship with a girl. I don’t WANT a relationship with a boy; I’m not going to actively seek either. If something comes along, I’ll take it. If I get attracted to someone, so be it; I won’t complain.

The point is, I want to know what it’s like. In a way, I want to know what it’s like to like a girl and have her liking you back. (Not that that’s happened much with boys, but enough with my pity party shit).

Do you understand what I’m trying to say? And do you get that, too? Because I’ve never done much physically with ANYONE, but I have with boys more than I have girls (let me laugh for a second here).

It’s a mix of curiosity and realising I have the capacity to love ANYONE, regardless of gender.

Hmm… I’m so glad I’m getting back into the swing of things now. It’s bloody freeing.

Thanks for everything, guys.

What do you think about all this? What’s your sexuality, and are you comfortable with it? Because no matter what, you’re a person, regardless of who you like or don’t like. I’m not the best motivater for this kind of thing, but I try.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

TWO YEARS?! Bloody Hell

So, whilst I was at a festival – the Mela festival because I’m that precise – I realised it was exactly 2 years to the day since Maple, my second boyfriend, broke up with me. (His name’s not Maple, but trees).

Some context: Maple was the best friend of Pine, who’s one of my best friends; we’d known each other for two and a half years before we went out. We went to the Isle of Wight on a school residential and on the day before we went home, he asked me out. I said yes the next day. We went out for… Wait, 19 July to 6 September, so about a month and a half.

He broke up with me because he was gay, on the first day of school. I had no issue with that at the time – well I DID, but not because he was gay; I was just upset because I liked him. The thing that made me the most angry was the fact that he left our group straight after – abandoned us – and Pine, after 10 years of friendship. I understand why now, but at the time, I didn’t and it more or less fucked me up.

He and I are friends now – after about 7 months I grew up and, though we had arguments, I apologised and hoped he would forgive me, which he did. I was a right bitch.

I’m just shocked it’s been 2 years. I’ve grown so much since then.

At the time, I thought I’d never be able to get over him. I DID, though. This happened again with Ash, where I thought I could never move on. I still haven’t moved on totally, to tell you the truth, but I’m getting there.

The point is, I’m shocked at how much I’ve grown as a person.

I think it was Maple leaving our friendship group that really started my abandonment issues. As in, they’re rather bad: Ash would know, and so would Odd and Pine and Wren. And, er, Willow, but Ash would know the most.

And that’s why, right now, I’m being totally fucked up by the recent departure of a friend from the group. Argh. Let’s not get into that.

It’s a weird day for me. I look back and get Ash memories left, right and centre, but also memories from other people. It’s not TOO bad; I’ll definitely cope.

How have any of you grown, as people?

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

I Know I Can Do This

So, after everything bad that happened this morning, I needed to talk to people, so that’s what I did. That included bloggers, but it also included my friend Odd straight after it happened, and Red just now. Separately, they saw me in hysterics in so much pain and they saw me when I’d calmed down.

From talking to them both, I realised the following things:

It’s not my fault. I often try and turn the situation around and blame myself, but this time I physically can’t. Normally, the last person to blame would be the person that hurt me, but I can’t do that now.

I was, and am, mature enough to deal with a relationship. Not right now, of course, but I’m no longer the kid that would go “LOL k den” when someone asked her out.

I can move on from this, and pretty quickly. Don’t get me wrong: I did have feelings for Palm, but they weren’t serious. I was emotionally invested, but not too emotionally invested that I couldn’t function without him which was what happened with Ash and Birch. And plus, it was only for two weeks.

I’m proud of myself for not blaming myself, and for realising that this is okay. I often overreact and freak out completely, which is not good.

I have my friends here to support me, like you guys, and people in real life who knew. You’ve all helped me so much and I need that, because yesterday and today were terrible.

I NEED to start that writing blog, because it will distract me and help me so much.

I’m upset, but not too upset. I’m strong enough to deal with this, and I know I am because I’m not going to shoot myself down before I can stand.

If you’re going through a similar situation to me, I know that you’re strong enough, too. Putting the too there makes alarm bells go off in my head, telling me I’m arrogant, but I won’t listen. Admitting you’re strong is good. You can get through this, and we’ve all got your back and can help you WHENEVER you need it.

Stay strong and stay yourself.

Thanks, everyone. Your support was so beautiful today and I couldn’t ask for better friends. If you ever need ANYTHING, kik me or email me or comment and I’ll be there.

And thanks, Odd and Red, for being amazing friends and for always being here. You’re seriously wonderful people and I needed you to say what you said. Thanks, Odd, for telling me what I needed to hear and refusing to be put off by my hysterical crying. And thanks, Red, for saying everything you have and talking it through with me. Thank you both. And I’ll stop now before I start getting even more sappy.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

I, Er, WHAT, Um, Yeah, What?!

Guys, I have a boyfriend.

GUYS. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

Guys. I. HAVE. A. BOYFRIEND.

Guys, I-

I think you get the picture. I have some, er, explaining to do. Yeah… You might judge me for it, but oh well!

It was last week on Wednesday. I play these game things, which are basically fantasy and you fight things (but it’s text-based). I’ll probably get called a nerd/sad person but heh. So I met this guy on there when he asked if I wanted any help. Me, being paranoid, said yes – we talked for a while, but then I asked him my age before he asked mine so that I knew he wasn’t lying. He said he was 15 – baring in mind I hadn’t said my age, and the majority of people on there were 20-30 which is why I didn’t talk to them. I found out he’s also blind and that he lives about an hour away from me.

So on Friday, the day I came back from France, I skyped him. Yeah, I know – it’s quick – but I needed to check he wasn’t a paedophile and luckily, he isn’t. I also know he exists because one of my friends has heard of him, and I DO trust that friend.

But, BLOODY HELL. We talk so easily, about anything, and errrr, there was some flirting but… Hahaha… ANYWAY!

We talked about space one day, and how we’ve evolved over the years, and how phones were different back in the 80s – that sort of thing. And he’s talked about his exes and I’ve talked about mine, so we knew how we were paranoid.

I told my dad yesterday about the friendship I had with him and he seemed okay with it. My mum would FLIP though.

Before he asked me out, he called me beautiful and those sorts of things, and he’s just really nice.

But yesterday, he asked me out – I guess we’d been in the in-between stages of a friendship and a relationship, and we both couldn’t deal with it. I freaked a little, and needed to breathe, and went away to think.

I had questions running through my head: What if it’s too soon? What if I’m making a mistake? What if I screw it up? What if what if what if… What if I get judged?

I need to now say a massive thank you to those bloggers on the Kik chat for supporting me, and helping me, and being so lovely. Guys, I couldn’t have asked for better friends. You are so wonderful.

After my freakout, I skyped him again, and we had possibly the longest and most in-depth conversation about how we felt. We warned each other of how we might act sometimes – he sometimes flips out at ANYTHING, and I sometimes get so insecure that I need reassurance.

We talked about our worries, and what we were scared of.

It was so amazing to talk to him about it, because we were laying bare what each other NEEDED to know.

Later on, I may find out things about him, but I don’t care. I’m going to see where this takes me.

I’m going to update my status on Facebook after I get back from blind camp, because if my mum questions where I met him and I’m not brave enough, I can always say there. He and I have arranged to meet up before the summer ends – that was something I was adamant about, and he agreed with me.

I know this will probably come as a shock to loads of you, and I’m sorry for not posting about this sooner, but I wanted to sort things out in my mind. You’ve all supported me through my various heartbreaks and breakdowns over the last 4 months, so thank you SO much for that. From Ash to Cedar to Birch to Hazel to Cassia – you’ve always been there.

Keep being yourselves!

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚
PS: I need a tree name. Somebody help?

Explosions To Ash

I trusted two people today with the fact that I’m in love with ash. It was too scary for my liking, really, because I find it difficult to trust – OHOH, cliche! CLICHE!

The first is a girl from my sociology class and I don’t know why I told her – she won’t tell, though. If she does… Well, I’ll do something drastic. Argh, that makes me sound like a psychopath.

The second was my friend – let’s call him Red, because he has ginger hair. Red… Red and Ash hate each other. So much. So, so, so much.

Long story: a lot of it was kind of my fault. Well, no – not really. But I was involved. Their argument was their doing, but it only happened because Ash asked me if I could find out Red’s opinion of him… Yup.

So, Ash and Red. I asked Red today to tell me who he fancies, mainly because yesterday, Willow had told HIM who she fancies. Stereotypical, eh! Heh. Post about that later.

First, I told him about cedar. That was… Well, it wasn’t bad.

But then I had to tell him about Ash. Fuck… Our conversation went like this: (sorry for the unimbelishment of this; I’m tired)

“Hey… You said, yesterday, that you only hated one person? Well… Who is it?”

“Ash.”

“Oh… What actually HAPPENED?”

Following this is a very long explanation that is omitted for privacy reasons.

“Yeah, he’s my friend I think? We haven’t been speaking recently though and… I dunno, I…”

“Oh! You can be friends with him; don’t let my dislike of him get in the way of that!”

“Well I kind of… Oh god please please don’t judge me! You won’t, will you?”

“Just tell me! I promise not to judge.”

“Well I… I fucking fancy him!”

Pause. “Oh okay.”

He was fine with it. He said that there was no way he’d try and get in the way of that, and that ESPECIALLY if I ‘fucking fancied him’ – his words! – then it was all the better.

Red is fucking amazing. We had a very long, very deep conversation that lunchtime.

On the subject of Ash: I don’t know what the hell is going on. I miss the days where we could just talk and know what the other was thinking. I miss the days when I had problems and he would help me, and when he had problems I would help him.

Back then, I thought that things were bad because of other friendship stuff. Now I realise I should have held onto those conversations for as long as I could.

DAMNIT TO HELL.

From a pissed off and slightly – SLIGHTLY?! – confused Elm