I Cry for What We Had

I sat down to write this post and just burst into tears.

It’s partly because I don’t know how to express the depth of awful feelings I’m holding, because I shut myself off from it. It feels like it’s too much, so that I have no idea where to start. It’s also because of relief: I can finally release them – not that I’ve held myself back before, but over the last week, it’s been ripping at a wall inside my mind, and I’m crying because I’m letting myself talk about it.

There was this time in Thailand where I was kind of scared because it was late, my dad and stepmother had gone out and I was in a village on my own with people I didn’t know very well. S – my ex-boyfriend – stayed on the phone with me for 2 hours. He was there, all throughout it, listening to me get slightly hysterical. That was before we properly went out, but it was a possibility then; it was before he cheated on me, and the one thing that has emained constant is that I don’t blame him for anything. He was always there and the thing that kills me is that I felt like I took him for granted, took it all for granted, and now that I don’t have it any more I’m realising how incredibly happy I was. Despite my stress at the beginning of the school year, despite my paranoia, I was happy.

All of the late night conversations are replaying in my mind: the laughter, the way he understood me, and it’s making my tears fall faster than they have in a while. There were just little things: me jokingly referring to myself as his “bitch”, the way he spoke, the knowledge that we’d still be there despite anything, his reassurances that Pansy was a good friend of his and that was it – which was true up until the day we broke up. I remember our first kiss – I suppose the pain made it come to the forefront of my mind. God, that was well over a year ago.

After I bailed on him, back in October of last year, I’d contacted him and he (rightly) hadn’t had the best response because I broke stuff off with no explanation. Then, we started speaking again and it was beautiful because I could confide in him, and he’s known me for so long that it didn’t feel forced. That simple reality – that I’ve lost that, too, though god knows if he meant for it to be lost or not – makes me remember how it was after Ash and I broke friends. I hate losing people; I hate having my trust destroyed, and I also hate not being able to blame anything. I don’t want him to feel guilty, because if he felt what I was feeling now he wouldn’t be able to be happy with Pansy and that would be awful.

In the summer, it seemed so lovely, and it was. After a year of me being a dick, I’d finally come to my senses – because he’d been there, through so much, supporting me as I did him. But like with every fairytale, this one shattered, sooner than I thought. But it’s fucking over and yes, I’m sobbing, so that I can barely breathe, but what’s the point in hoping?

The thing is, I regret none of it. I’m cherishing the good memories we had, locking them away and holding them close, not revealing what exactly happened as I did with Ash. I learned my lesson there, but still, the sharp and raw sting of rejection of worn out promises burns.

At the heart of it, I miss what we had. I don’t care when people say that one day it’ll stop hurting, because that day is not today and I want to feel this utter misery for now, because it reminds me I’m human and I’m able to deal with it. Everything has accumulated itself: I heard a song earlier that we both love, and saw his name on Facebook, and saw her name too and it just killed. Because right now, I guarantee, they are laughing with each other, or will have today. Me? I’m crying. How stupid is that?

I feel wounded, is the best description for it, because they have forgotten. For good reason: I wanted them to; they should be happy, and not worry about me because I’m a bitter little snowflake. Nobody should have to deal with my tears, the pathetic ones I cry in the dark, because I’m becoming furious with my own mind. In the end, who cares? There are much more important things to deal with, and I’ll just exist until it all passes, until I can love without wanting to die.

It is just not fucking fair. All of it. The fact that I got cheated on, that I’m so unhappy, that I’m unmotivated. The fact that it was so nice before, that I felt secure because he’s a wonderful person, whereas now I’m a wreck in a storm with an ocean that could break me into tiny pieces. Whenever I feel sad, I feel guilty and even worse because of it, because I remember our conversation when he told me they were officially together, nearly 2 weeks ago. Ever since then, I’ve been disgustingly clingy, feeling terrible when I both don’t receive replies from people and don’t reply to them myself.

I sounded so awful. He seemed exasperated, but perhaps that was my mind recreating emotions that weren’t there. I have a habit of doing that. I told him that my thoughts were “irritating”, because if I’d told him the truth – which I then did – I would cry for hours – which I then did. Come to think of it, I think that everyone is irritated with me. Either that or they’ve had enough, as I’ve had enough with myself. My pain’s getting old, and I don’t want people to have time for me because they need to move on with their lives.

I dislike myself, and you may be asking “What’s there to dislike – this isn’t your fault!” It isn’t my fault, or his or hers, because life happens and someone was going to get hurt anyway: better me than her and I still stand by that. As with everything, I’ve somehow convinced myself that I’m not good enough in the slightest. I feel worthless, so much less than second best; if he liked me so much, then why did he cheat on me, and so that means that he didn’t like me much after all. That, coupled with the memories and together with my general feeling that people shouldn’t bother with me as all I’ll do is become possessive and sad, has grown into a terrifying blend of shit.

What’s holding me together? I don’t know. If he talks to me about my emotions again, it’ll probably make him feel bad or tired or guilty, and I don’t want that. I hope he uses the logic of his own mental well-being as to why he realistically shouldn’t talk to me because I care about him and I don’t want to ruin anything. But I hate things coming to an end, knowing that there’s nothing I can do.

I’m hurt. I’m so damn hurt and the worst thing is that this will happen over and over, to me and to everyone else. That brings me back: what makes me so special? What makes me worthy of any attention besides the average? Nothing because I’m just one broken girl in a sky of millions.

Breakdowns are going to happen to me for a long while, but the likelihood is I won’t advertise them. If I pretend to be okay, maybe I will be; if I tell myself that people are tired of my shit, perhaps that’ll make me stop feeling like this. I can’t, though. I have no energy.

I miss him, and I miss Pansy. I want to know how they are, but at the same time I want to scream and tear at myself, to cry but to not worry anybody. However, the sheer fact that I’m posting this shows me that I want people to notice, which is so screwed up.

This is the most disjointed thing I’ve written; I’m sorry for the nonsensical ramblings. I’m extremely done with myself, so drained, and all I want is for me to care about me. I know that a lot of you care about me, which is one of the things that helps.

No more hoping, or wishing, or thinking “What if…?” Because the what ifs are smashed and the hopes burned and the wishes were all wasted on a star that is no longer in my galaxy.

From Elm πŸ™‚

What’s Really Been Going On

I’ve not been entirely honest with you.

Though I’ve never outright lied, so much about the truth of what’s been happening and how I’ve felt about it I’ve not told you, simply because it’s either too confusing or I can’t deal with it. But now, when I feel like I’m falling to pieces, I’m going to explain exactly what’s been happening over the past three weeks. Why I’m now single, why I respect my (ex) boyfriend, but why I feel the worst I think I’ve ever felt.

S – my ex-boyfriend now (it hurts to say that so I’ll be referring to him as S) – goes to a boarding school about three hours away from me. This is his first year there, and it’s small, so there aren’t many people in his year. One of the people there is someone I posted about here. She’s a girl I’ve known for 6 years, and though we haven’t talked much recently, in the past we shared a lot of stuff and she was, and is, someone I think is kind and a wonderful person.

S and this girl are very close friends, and had been ever since he started in that school. I was constantly paranoid that the you would get together, because I’m me, but S and I talked every day and so that paranoia faded, because I know he’d never INTENTIONALLY hurt me. This girl and S talked a lot, and I’m presuming that the girl told S about her insecurities (which I’m presuming are similar to mine) and I hope she did, because he’s a trustworthy person. I became a bit more clingy, which I’m really annoyed at myself for, but in the days of uncertainty where I didn’t know what would happen, it’s my natural reaction to do that. I should really do something about that.

About two weeks ago, they went on a trip to do a really cool sport. On the way back, she told him that she liked him and had ever since he’t started. That night, he told me – he’s always made a point of doing so, even when he knew it would make me feel terrible. I wasn’t HAPPY, but I can very much understand why she likes him.

He was terrified that he’d do something stupid, that she’d kiss him and he’d respond. I told him that it was a human reaction, that it was okay, because if he DID grow feelings for her then he couldn’t help it. They are around each other all the time and so it would be better that he not hurt her, and if feelings did develop, then he should go out there and get happiness. I’m trying not to let my emotions warp my words. When he was confused about the two of us, I thought it was logical conclusion for him to choose her, partly because I thought and think that I’m ALWAYS the worst option but also because it would be easier for him.

Two days later, he told me that he had feelings for her. Actually, it was more like me asking him if he did because I knew he wasn’t okay, and then him confirming it. I broke a little then, just a little, and whenever I cry at him I feel bad for it because he doesn’t EVER deserve to feel guilty. I knew he felt terrible, confused, sad – all of the emotions I’ve experienced before.

On Wednesday, they kissed. They were saying goodbye, because she was going to something – not sure what – and in the moment, they kissed, and it was about the emotion and I’m sure it made them feel happy and great. I’m genuinely glad if it did because I truly, truly understand that sentiment.

The one person who has truly helped me through this is Rapunzel, my ex-girlfriend, even though both S and I put her through shit. My respect for her has skyrocketed, because through it all, she’s been there to talk to me and listen to me. She let onto me that something had happened, not actually telling me that it had, but I guessed and she couldn’t deny it when she said she’d spoken to him for two hours. It had been on my mind for the past week, and so it was no wonder that my mind immediately jumped to that conclusion.

It was then that I broke completely. He told me later that night, everything that had happened, and how bad he felt. But with Rapunzel, before I had spoken to him, I shattered. I have never cried that hard, walked around my room and felt everything falling, talking about morbid things with horrifying ease and causing my mind to twist until I could get it back to its regular shape.

I told her that I just wanted to die. I wanted it all to stop, and I knew it would pass but at that moment, I wanted to die. Afterwards, when the raw pain had faded a little, she said I had such desperation and hopelessness in my voice and I realise now that it was true. Both when she and he were talking to me, at one point I was on the floor, but I didn’t let him see me at that low point because he doesn’t deserve to, as it would make him feel worse. He feels guilty enough as it is, and I don’t think he should – is that messed up?

I still respect S a lot, because through it all, he’s told me the truth. He hasn’t bullshitted, or lied, and he’s quite frankly said how he feels.

I’m going to make a list of what I think about the situation, because it’ll help me cope.

β€’ I want everyone to be happy
β€’ Both him and the girl deserve to smile because they’ve been through a lot, and if that’s with each other, then it’s good for them
β€’ I don’t exactly care about my happiness when those two are happy, because I knew someone would get hurt in this situation
β€’ It’s better that I did than her, because I wouldn’t have to see him every day
β€’ I’m used to not feeling great, and so I didn’t want her to feel like this. It’s fucking awful. I don’t mean to sound so desolate.
β€’ She’s such a lovely person and I don’t blame her at all, because she was just getting something she wanted
β€’ I don’t blame him for the same reason – they’re human, and she’s someone who’s unbelievably talented and is all around a good person

However, my emotions are so painful at the moment that I can’t do anything. I’m half-crying, when I didn’t want to, tears sliding down my face. And so, despite all of my acceptance of this, because how could I not accept it – I feel so miserable. So awful.

I’m seeing him tomorrow. He’s coming round to mine, because we’re going to Paris in the half term with a bunch of other VI people. He’s still my friend – he thought I’d never want to see him again because of how he (indirectly) hurt me – but he couldn’t be more wrong. No matter what he did, I know that he never did it vindictively.

The only catch? She’ll be there. I’ll have to be around them when they’re together and FUCK, I’m honest to god crying now, because I can’t deal with it. I’m going to be feeling like this for so long and I hate it. If I don’t sob all the time, I’ll be surprised, but I can’t let her see me like that. She shouldn’t know how much pain I’m in because I just want her to be happy and to NOT have that clouded with my sadness; it wouldn’t be fair.

To be honest, I’m sick of everything going to shit. In the last year, it seems as if I’ve had 2-3 months of being happy in a relationship, before something starts to go wrong. When I was with S the first time, I messed that up. Three months after being with Aspen, I realised I didn’t have feelings for him, and that made me feel so guilty that I couldn’t cope. Rapunzel broke up with me after two months and then SO much shit kicked off (not her fault) and now, this.

I can’t give myself a break. This, coupled with everything that’s been happening in the last few months, has all piled up to make my heart smash. How am I supposed to be strong, when I feel so weak? How am I supposed to be okay when nothing I feel is alright and I just want to disappear?

I feel like I’ve been replaced. That even though it’s no one’s fault, I’m just not good enough, and the reality of that is burning me. Why can’t things be okay? Why do my eyes have to leak tears like they’re broken; WHY do I have to feel numb inside one second, hollow the next and so sad that I can’t breathe the next? It’s like the optimism has been scraped out of me, the gold and bronze replaced with a grey, metallic blur.

No one deserves to see this side of me, when I feel like giving up. My incoherent thoughts, scattered like leaves in Autumn, until I’m so tired and so upset and so awful. I want it to stop. Am I overreacting?

My heart hurts. It feels like there’s a hole in my chest, dark and bitter and scary, and it’s frazed and ragged around the edges like an open wound. I feel pathetic, because what if I can’t get my act together? In school, I’ve been acting like I’m fine, failing in certain lessons where I find it difficult to get motivation to do work. If this continues after the half term, I’ll do terribly on my mocks, and it’ll affect all of my learning.

Speaking to S has helped, a little. After telling him that I wouldn’t post about this to protect his privacy, he asked if I wanted to, to which I replied “Maybe, but I won’t because I don’t want people to get the wrong impression of you.” He then Encouraged me to post about it, to get my emotions out, which I really appreciate. Before anything, he has been my friend, and I won’t throw that away even when my sadness feels like it’s bleeding.

My friends have been supportive, too, helping me out. They understand when I say that I am miserable, that nothing they can do will help me much, except being here and cheering me up. I need it, and I need to be able to deal with this and want to die sometimes. I haven’t harmed myself, except for nails digging into my palms when I feel as if I’m about to break, and not sleeping much, but I can prevent that. I’m sorry if that triggered anyone.

It hits me, at certain points in the day. Realising that it’s over, knowing that she’ll be his first for things I haven’t been, feeling empty inside because I’m so done with getting hurt and so done with feeling and trying all the time, when relationships shouldn’t be ABOUT constantly trying. Over and over again, the only difference now being that I can’t blame myself, and that kills.

They will be happy, but I won’t. They’ll live, and I’ll live, but I just dinn’t know how much. I want to be okay, but realistically I don’t see that happening any time soon, but it will in the future. As I said earlier, I feel the worst I’ve felt – worse than Ash, worse than when my sister was going through hell, because at the time I didn’t understand. Everything’s built up and I am sick of wishing for something and having it ripped away, no matter how selfish and attention-seeking it is.

Hello Elm, you got cheated on. Your relationship is over, and it will never go back to how it was before. Stop hoping, stop trying to hope, and STOP distracting yourself to try and make yourself feel more human. One day, you’ll be okay but for now you’re not and you just have to find ways to be. Oh, and your heart’s broken again.

Oh God.

The thought of getting with other people literally makes me feel sick. People saying that I’ll find someone else doesn’t help, at the moment, because I just don’t care. To some people it may be comforting, but for me it just reminds me of how unconfident and lonely I feel, and how everything feels as if it’s entirely destroyed and screaming around inside my head.

When I go to Paris, I’ll worry about my mental state. I’ll be nice to the girl, because she doesn’t deserve me being awful to her, as she’s human and I don’t know if I wouldn’t have done the same in her situation. I think I’ll feel worse than I do now, but that’s okay because it’s better than shutting it out. If it gets particularly and consistently bad, I WILL go and see someone, I promise.

I’ll update you on anything that happens. I’m not angry; I’m just upset and I feel like nothing will be okay, even though it will be. I just needed to get this out before I start to mend.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I Opened the Floodgates

I considered password-pretecting this post, making it private, or not posting this at all. I thought, “What’s the point? Who the hell’s gonna read it anyway?” ME. I’m going to read it. I’m going to write it, because my heart feels shattered and I feel so sick that I’m shaking insanely.

This post is going to focus on my breakup with Rapunzel, which you can read a little about here. I won’t be going through what happened – these are just my thoughts. My scattered thoughts. As a disclaimer: I’m not angry at Rapunzel, or at myself; I don’t hate anyone right now. This wasn’t a breakup that was bitter.

If you’re reading this, Rapunzel, I’m so sorry if this makes you sad. I don’t want to cause you pain, and know that I have so much respect for you because you’re doing the best you can – don’t forget that I’m here whenever you need to talk.

And here’s the actual… Explosion of thought. Sorry in advance – I SHOULDN’T SAY THAT, IT’s OKAY TO POST THIS

Tears are in my eyes, and now they’re sliding down my cheeks. I haven’t cried in exactly a week – I haven’t let myself. My philosophy was that if I broke, I wouldn’t be able to focus on exams. I had to numb it. It was – IS – sensible, but now I’m empty.

It hurts. I can feel myself choking, wondering, thoughts circling round in my head. I’m not okay. I’m so incredibly not okay that it astounds me. I feel so upset that I’ve been so obvious about it, because it was SUPPOSED to be invisible. Numb. That’s how I needed it to be. I’m not speaking plainly oh shit.

I feel so… Disappointed. Miserable. Usually, I’d let it out slowly, and allow myself to cope over a period of time, but because of exams, all this sadness and pain is pouring out of me NOW. I don’t know how to express it.

How can I be okay after a relationship ended? I’m not angry. I’m just so sad, because I had so much hope. Hope for me and hope for her and hope for everything, which is all shot to hell now. That’s the main thing: I had illusions of forever, which I hate. And now I’m crying and I just want it to all stop for a minute, just for a MINUTE, but I can’t.

There are so many unresolved feelings that I have, which I didn’t address until now. Every time I think about moments with her, I get a flash of happiness and then the worst feeling: a creeping, cold sensation, that makes me feel so incredibly sad that I can’t speak. I can’t articulate and it hurts, because of the memories.

On the floor, tears falling, hands wrapped around my knees so that I won’t tear my hair out. Why, if it lasted for two months, does it hurt this much?

I’m in love with her and the hopelessness of that is fucking killing me. I feel so pathetic and absolutely broken, like a rag doll thrown against the shore, and all I can do is repeat the same phrases: I’m sad I’m sad sad sad sad I want to disappear stop, stop, I just feel so sad. I’ve tried to make myself strong, to be positive in exams, but my heart’s broken again through no fault of anyone. That partly makes it worse and partly makes it better.

All the things that will never be. The fairytale’s gone and the hope I had too, in THIS at least. I’m whining, asking myself why things don’t go right – because I proved to myself I was okay, after my last relationship where I thought something was wrong with me because my feelings faded. That’s something. But now, my feelings for her are the same and it damn hurts and why can’t I just EXPLAIN?

The very thought of thinking about other people, in that context, makes me want to cry. It feels wrong, just WRONG, because right now she’s the only one I can think about. There’s a guy who keeps on making sexual references about me and other people; if he does that one more time, I’m snapping. It won’t matter that I’ll go crazy at him, because he knows but he doesn’t know how horrified I feel when he does that.

I don’t care that one day I’ll move on: for now I just can’t; none of that matters. I don’t care that I’ll be happy again with someone else because I’m not now and all I want to do is sob my lungs out in a corner.

Is this normal? Is it normal for me to react so miserably after a breakup? I almost feel guilty, which is ridiculous, but she may read this. Nothing’s her fault – not mine either – but it can never go back to how it was which is in a way a good thing, because she needs to take care of herself. Don’t think you’re selfish, Elm. It’s okay it’s okay damnit.

I feel so lost. Melodramatic, but lost too; I don’t know how I’m going to function over this week. I just want to cry, and now I am, and I want to scream about how unfair it all is. I have no happy ending, at least it feels like that now, but if I don’t let this out I won’t feel human. This post has no substance for fuck’s sake.

My dad came into my room and asked me how I was feeling, because he knew I had gone upstairs to “feel miserable”, in my words. I said, “No. I’m not okay. I’m very, very sad.” Though that nearly set me off again, I was happy I was being honest.

Has this helped? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. This week, whenever my thoughts strayed down the path of her, or whenever I got reminded of things we said or some of her adorable habits, I shut myself down. I can’t make myself think of all of them now, but when they inevitably crop up, I know I’ll find it difficult to hold myself together. I can just content myself with letting things out on this blog.

I miss her. That’s the whole pinnacle of this. I miss her and her laugh and the way that she made me laugh, and the three happiest days I’ve had in recent years. The way that we talked, at 3 in the morning, and it was silent all around us. The way that I was so so happy, knowing something was going really well – and I might get that again, who knows? I miss it all and the memories of that are making me cry again, because now I feel so lonely. God, I feel lonely as shit and that’s so damn pathetic.

All the things that were. All that things that could have been. All the things that will never be.

Oh well. Guess I’ll just have to cope, in my own way, and feel as positive as possible without crying for help constantly.

Thanks for being here.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Okay, Good, STRONG

Yesterday, a friend of mine spontaneously called me up, just for a chat, and asked me: “Are you okay?” To which I replied, “Yeah?” After a pause. “Yeah… Um, I, no.”

He’s become a really good friend over the past few months (after I stopped being a total dick to him), but it was a total shock for someone to just ask me that. I hadn’t really thought about it – I said I wasn’t okay, but really thinking about it was another matter.

After what happened on Friday, it’s fine for me not to be okay. I’ve realised that. It’s no one’s fault – not Rapunzel’s because she’s amazing and I have so much respect for her, and not my own, because I think anyone would be miserable after a breakup. That’s fine and I’m slowly dealing with this in my own way.

Ivy came round yesterday too, and I spoke to her about all of it, and told her what I was going to do to try and make myself feel a little better. She helped me laugh, and we had a great time as we always do. That, coupled with the chat I had with my other friend, made me think on everything today. I was feeling so sad when I was at Rose and Poppy’s, until I kicked myself into shape and decided: I’ll tell YOU. I’ll write a list, and who knows? It might help you too.

I’m going to numb everything, just for a week. I can’t let this affect my exams; I will be SO much happier if I get into a positive mindset for the last five before the half term. Then, in that week, in between bouts of “SHIT REVISION HELP ME!” I’ll let myself feel. I’ll show myself it’s ALRIGHT to feel. Once all of my exams are over, I’ll do the same thing.

I’m going to try and talk to my friends as much as possible. Wren, Red, Odd, and all the rest. It’ll cheer me up – I’ll definitely try and meet up with them. Even with revision, I don’t think me being alone is the best thing to do. Yeah, I felt ill today and sad, but hanging out with friends will make me laugh and I NEED that. I can’t shut myself away.

Speaking of friends, I’ll make some more friendships, or earth up some old ones. Making a new friend, or having the thrill of a friendship and being trusted, is the thing that makes me the happiest. It’s such a lovely feeling – to know you have people around you, especially new people. Expanding my “circle” (HAHAHAHA WHAT), like an absolute rebel, is something I really want to try. I’m not popular in the least, but recently the friends I’ve made – just random people who you wouldn’t expect me to like – have lifted my mood. Internet friends, real life friends, whatever fits.

I won’t do this much, but I’ll try and post. As much as I NEED to concentrate on revision, which I WILL do much more, this is a way of coping. A way of therapy, if. you want to put it like that. I may not read blogs, but I AM going to be here, on a not-really-hiatus-but-sort-of-a-hiatus-roll-with-it. The support I get here is bamazing and makes me smile all the time. What I do need to remember, though, is BALANCE REVISION AND ACTUALLY DO REVISION bloody hell.

Moving on, in terms of the relationship, seems a bit stupid to me right now. I’m not even at a stage where I can think about things without wanting to curl into a ball or BECOME a ball, so if I tried to force it, it wouldn’t work. I’m going to wait, make myself feel more positive, and if I eventually move on it’ll be okay. Shit it even hurts thinking about that. NOOOOO NEGATIVITY EEEELLMMM. Just… Not going to even run down that train of thought.

Honestly? This post really helped me to put things into perspective. If you’re feeling awful, try some of the things I’m doing; maybe we can go along this feeling-better journey together. Do something you love, and remember, DON’T PRESSURE YOURSELF TO FEEL OKAY. It will happen when it happens.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Screw the Hiatus for a Sec

Yeah, fuck the hiatus, this is important. I’m going to regret this post in the morning but whatever.

I’ll say it plainly. Rapunzel and I broke up – if you don’t know who she is, read my post called Happiness without a Catch (can’t be pissed to link it because rebel).

I need to first say that she was so damn lovely about it. She was on the phone with me and said it in the nicest way possible – you KNOW someone knows you well when they tell you not to blame yourself for anything, and then SUCCEED in not making me think I’m a shit person. That takes skills πŸ˜€

I’m not sure why I put that last bit. Also Rapunzel if you’re reading this, don’t read this paragraph because it might make you feel shit, and I couldn’t ever want that. But I will be honest with you guys; I feel absolutely shit but that’s unavoidable. My eyes are VERY painful but you know what? It’s okay, because in all the break-up scenarios that could have happened, that was the best.

This was the kindest. I’m honestly happy that she told me, in the way she did. I know that she’s still going to be there for me and I for her; stuff won’t change that. We still feel the same about each other and that’s okay, because we’ll both be okay.

I won’t go into details about my feelings right now because they’re fresh and raw and painful, and I don’t want this post to be overly negative. Also, I don’t want to guilt-trip her by accident; she’s so fabulous and has such a kind heart it astounds me. She’s also sensible as fuck.

I don’t hate her. I’m not happy, but I could never be angry. Yes, I feel a little like everything’s just exploded in fire and blood and anguish, but I’m SO much more calm than I thought. I’d be.

All in all? I will be okay. I won’t let this affect my exams, but I’ll be able to deal with the pain in my own way. I hope you guys are doing amazingly.

I thought I’d tell you because you deserve to know. You’ve all watched me through the various stages of my love life, my breakdowns and shrieking moments, so it’s only natural that I tell you; plus, I NEEDED to post about it. I have other things to tell you, but that can wait until the half term, or until the exams are over.

I’ll grow from this, and maybe now it feels awful, but at some point it’ll feel okay. I’ll be able to cope and I’ll be fine, truly fine, and I’m going to hold onto that hope.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚