Why I was Shrieking in Mortification Earlier

Oh wow. HERE WE GO AGAIN.

I surprise myself with the amount of times I get REALLY embarrassed, but I suppose this time it was warranted. Maybe? Ehh… Let’s just roll with it.

I doubt you guys’ll remember him, but about a year ago, I fancied a guy who I called Cedar. Click on his name to find out more about the guy. Long story short, it was in the midst of the Ash situation, and partly crossed over with Birch too. And it didn’t work out (much surprise).

I’ve been talking a lot more to him recently, and I respect him quite a bit. We were having one of our conversations, and his friends stole his phone (y’know, as you do).

They decided to pretend to ask me out, which included sending a photo of Cedar and calling me babes. WAHEY nearly made me stop breatheing because I was laughing so hard, but I also felt sick because I wasn’t sure if he was being serious or not. I decided then to panic totally. You know that awful creeping, cold feeling you can get? I had that, because even the thought of thinking about other people in that way right now makes me upset.

Before he got his phone back, I said the following: “I mean a year ago, if you’d asked me that, I would have said yes.” OHMYGOD why did I do that; I’m mental. After we were both mortified because of the situation, he asked me.

I’m not sure why, but I’m finding it easier to admit to people what I did in the past, or in this case how I felt. Where’s the Elm that would be point-blank terrified? So for me, it was relatively alright to say, “A YEAR AGO I HAD A MASSIVE CRUSH ON YOU” – none of my subtle (hahahahahaaaaaa) hints were working, so I had to say it outright. He asked me why, and THIS is where I got so embarrassed that I felt ill.

I wrote the longest, most cringiest message, and I’ll copy and paste it here because I’m a total rebel. The thing is, I’m not ashamed of it: I will happily admit to it, because it’s a part of my life. But THIS was going overboard.

“At the time I was v. confused and felt really shitty but from about… January of last year (I think) until May, so year 10, I fancied you because you were funny and made me laugh. Also you’re nice and just really friendly, and you treated me like a normal person and not like some moron who couldn’t string two sentences together. I’m not sure really, I think it was just something that made me like you, because you were different from the person I liked previously (and at the same time sort of) because you weren’t shitty. I’m saying you WERE all these things like it’s in the past tense but it’s not, it’s just now I don’t feel like that towards you”

WHAT. THE. SHIT WAS THAT MESSAGE??!!! Following that were a whole host of others because I’m me and get paranoid (not fucking surprising because he said “I don’t know how to feel”). I’m so happy I told him, because it’s out in the open now.

After that, it was totally fine. We talked a lot more – he’s got a lot of insecurities and I really want him to talk about them because I think it’ll help him – and really, I’m just happy to help in general. But that brief moment, where I thought he’d hate me or that I was so weird for admitting it, was so… Mortifying.

Now I’m looking back on it, I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I’m helping people in my own way, to talk about things. And I’m so happy that even though it made me laugh hysterically and made my face go red, I could ACTUALLY ADMIT to someone how I felt about them, in the past.

Eeeeekkkk. Well, I don’t really know how to function. It’s a weird feeling – dragging stuff up from the past like that – but it’s helped. If it means someone feels a bit more confident in themselves, I’ll take all the screaming embarrassment.

So, how many is that now? Birch, Cedar, Hazel, S, Rapunzel. That’s strange – I’ve all had in-depth discussions with them (or just told them) how I felt or used to feel about them.

And of course, every time, it’s embarrassing as shit, but at least it’s out there. I usually say something along the lines of “Yeah, I fancied you,” or “I’ve had a crush on you for the past few months now.” SOOOO eloquent.

I hope you can take something from this post 🙂 It’s alright to admit how you feel. Don’t be terrified of it.

From Elm 🙂

Cedar? NOT AGAIN!

HA! Cursed with the curse of the Cedar – damnit!

I can’t explain the situation with Ash at all. I’m sorry. Seriously, I am. I’m breaking about 20 promises if I do. If I’m close to you, I may tell you, but… I don’t know. I’m sorry.

I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.

I tried to ignore Ash in French – I felt so furious that I couldn’t even think. It scared me. And so, the ‘Let’s talk to him to sort this out!’ thought went right out the window. Like I said to my friend Red, I could NEVER speak to him unless I calmed completely down.

This isn’t about Ash, though. Not primarily.

It’s about Cedar – remember him? ARGH!

I share a science class with Red and my friend Odd. You know her – that awesome specimen who wrote a post on this blog?

We were doing revision today, in one of the computer rooms. The seating order went: Odd, me, some random person (no idea who), Red, Cedar’s friend Rowan (tree name because he’s somewhat important) and Cedar himself.

Fuck’s sake. I couldn’t concentrate. It was bullshit. I kept hearing his voice and silently freaking out with a mix of confusion, anger and… Fear? Nah, that’s not right – not fear, just slight alarm I suppose.

At the end of EVERY science lesson – well, nearly every one – we all have a sort of… Routine. I stand up. Odd takes my cane. Cedar comes up, with Rowan and Red (usually). Laughing, I usually find myself next to him, or very near him. Sometimes he ends up taking my cane – it’s not malicious, don’t worry. It’s hilarious. And sometimes we have a tug of war, or I try to get his hands off the damn thing. By grabbing his hands. That seems to happen a hell of a lot, but that’s just my pathetic way of trying to touch him.

Today, we were talking, I don’t remember what about. He was jokingly waving his hand in front of my eyes because I mentioned I had a blind spot (my right eye just for reference). I don’t get offended – god no! Don’t give a shit, to be honest.

All I remember was somebody – Red, perhaps? – insulting Cedar. And I defended him.

And then Rowan, bless his thrice-damned soul, turned to me. “Well done, Elm, defending your lover!”

I shrieked. Apparently it’s an ongoing joke that Cedar has relationships with everyone. There was this one time he pretended to have a relationship with me, then dumped me (jokingly) and Rowan was our relationship “councellor”. That was… Funny, and it was also before I “fancied” him.

It hurt like the damn hells. Literally I felt sick. I laughed it off, though. I always do.

At lunch, I talked to Red. I often do, now – not sure why. He knows everything, and I mean everything. Cedar came up to us at one point. Nearly pissed myself I was so scared. Then, my “friend” Holly joined us.

Holly’s, er, loud. And she makes me act irrationally and like a moron.

“I’m gonna go,” said Cedar a few minutes later. We hadn’t talked much. I wondered why the fuck he came over to us.

“Red, see what I mean?” I muttered. He did, of course.

It makes me upset. Cedar and I barely have anything in common but it’s easy with him. I’m trying to get over Ash, I suppose, but rebounding onto someone else isn’t the answer. It ALWAYS happens, though.

Damn it, Cedar! He drives me round the bloody bend. It’s like mixed signals, but he’s not even giving me that.

Blargh.

I am so immature.

Being Antisocial, Not Fitting In and Horific Irony

Right now, I’m half-lying and half-sitting on a bed in a rather cool villa in Centre Parks. I’m at a weekend with loads of blind people, and their parents – well, at least I know some people here.

The universe is laughing it’s arse off at me. I know this because:

1. The villa is in a section called Cedar. No, I’m not joking. If you don’t get that, read this.

2. There is a guide dog here, and his name is Ash’s real name. And if you don’t get THAT, read THIS – yes, I know; I’m like a self-promoting fountain.

3. I don’t fit in with the blindy community. HAHAHAHA. Yup! Put it this way: blind people are fine, because they’re PEOPLE. But people who put their blindness before literally anything else – I can’t deal with it. I get on better with sighted people because of it because we don’t talk about blindness, all the time. Not saying that EVERY single blind person does that, but some of them do and it’s enough to make me feel stifled.

4. Three years ago, I went to a summer camp where I met this intensely irritating twit who thought it would be hilarious to play a trick on me which involved him convincing me he was someone else and telling everyone afterwards that I believed him. I tried not to let it affect me but it was just awful. And he’s here. Stupid prat.

5. I have to go raft-building later and it’s fucking freezing and I turn purple when I’m cold and can’t move. Hey, I know! Let’s act the stereotypical teenage girl they all expect me to be! “OMFG my hair, noooooooo the makeup that I haven’t got on will run, OMGOMG WHYYYYY?!”

Er. That was a scarily accurate impression of one of the girls in my school…

It’s not all bad. An old friend of mine is sharing the villa with me – there are 3 families in this one. Mine, his, and a 10-year-old boy’s who is incredibly hyper.

Also, I’ve made plans to go swimming later. There’s also a disco… There are too many little children here! I can’t deal with little children! I end up saying something weird and… They’ll think I’m some monster!

I need to do revision goddamnit. Can’t be fucked. My hands hurt because I went on a tree-climbing activity earlier.

Tah-daaah… I have to dash. Apparently I’m being antisocial.

From a slightly bemused Elm

What the hell was I expecting anyway? Part 2

So, guys. Things have gone to shit AGAIN – wow, I’m such a drama queen, it’s disgusting. Err, sorry…

It’d probably be smart to read part 1, otherwise you won’t know what the hell I’m blathering on about, and I physically can’t explain the entire situation.

Okay. Cedar. Yeah…

After things went to shit with Ash (nothing’s happened regarding that apart from that he’s kind of ignoring me?), I unconsciously set my hopes on Cedar. That involved, well, testing the waters as it were, to see how I felt towards him.

Ah… Perhaps that wasn’t the smartest of moves? Let’s put it this way: I realised I have bloody goddamn fucking feelings for the arsehole ON TOP of my feelings for Ash, and why the fuck am I such a drama queen selfish attention-hogging needy-

FUCK! Okay, I’m not deleting any of this. I refuse to edit myself.

I thought things were going fantastically – well, as good as it gets in my mind. It was Willow’s birthday today so I was really happy because I love it when my friends have birthdays.

My friend Pine, and HER friend Daisy – alright, Daisy’s not my friend. She knows about both Cedar and Ash, because I was stupid and told her.

I’m not sure when they did this, because I found out about it after lunch; it was Daisy who told me.

Separately, Daisy and Pine had asked Cedar if he fancied me.

What the fuck.

Pine is great. I really like Pine because she’s my oldest school friend. But now? Now I regret thinking I wanted something to happen because well, you should be careful of what you wish for.

Daisy told me that Cedar had said no, but that his face held an expression of “hang on, does she fancy me? Oh!”

It was then that Pine showed up. Daisy immediately asked, “Did you-”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“Uh… No.”

I was silent. Utterly fucking silent. I just stood there, and probably looked so sad, because Daisy said “PINE! You’ve ruined their… Romance!”

“There was no romance,” I snapped. And it is true. There was never anything, never will be. I’m such a fucking idiot.

Pine had to help me into the form room because I have no independence which is kind of pathetic. I remember gripping onto her hand so, so hard; I’ve never really showed how THAT would effect me before and I knew she could tell.

I didn’t get to talk to Pine at all about it, because she had to go to the school hall – not sure why. I told her before she went, “I’m sad.” That’s only really what I could say.

There’s something here I don’t know. I’m missing something; I know it.

First Ash, now Cedar – it’s selfish of me to want a break from this shit, or to have something go right. Yep, selfish. God, this post is a right mess. I’m sorry. I know it’s probably difficult to read.

Fine. When I was ‘testing the waters’ with Cedar, I overly ‘flirted’. The FUCK? I don’t flirt! It was just a…

I misjudged his actions. I thought there might have been hope, but perhaps I was wrong. Sounds familiar, right? Sounds so fucking familiar!

When everything was happening with Ash, I used to regard Cedar as a… Fallback? God, that’s awful. Elm, that’s AWFUL, and disgusting, and terrible.

Now?

I was too late. If I could have ever been early, I mean. I had all my hopes tethered on something Pine heard in engineering, and Cedar probably got over that “maybe” pretty quickly.

Something Daisy said really bothered me: “Well, I’m sure he LIKES you. As a friend. Because Elm, you’re a really nice person.”

That would have been fine, with Ash. Well, no, but I’m already friends with Ash and I know he values me.

With Cedar? Is it selfish to want more than friendship? Urgh, I should be pleased with what I have!

I can’t deal with this stupid immature teenaged love struggles. I feel so petty and childish. I’m not even joking. I don’t even know what I want to happen, or what I’m supposed to do. Or feel, for that matter.

I am so so sorry. Usually, I hate reading these kinds of posts, so I’m sorry if this was a bore or a struggle.

Thank you so much if you read all of that. I just guess I needed to get this off my chest because now I feel hollow.

From Elm