It’s My Friend’s 18th Birthday

Hello you,
The first time I met you was when you were 16 and so I don’t really have the right to be all “OMG you’re so old I knew you when you were a foetus!” but I do have the right to make you cringe so much that you no longer want to be friends with me. Prepare for it and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Unfortunately, you’ve seen the cringiest side of me so I can’t really hide it any more.

Today is your 18th birthday and I’m feeling quite emotional. Over the last 2 years, you’ve taught me so much about myself: that I can make mistakes, that I’m shit at replying but that I have the potential to grow and change and that I’m not such a terrible person after all. You’d bet to differ and I’ll probably get a message from you, after this, saying “I didn’t make you realise that so fuck off” but you’d be wrong. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have even realised that I needed to change because you’re one of the only people who points out my shit and makes me think about it.

On the subject of that, there are a lot of things you do which – if anyone else did it – it’d be weird and would make me feel grim. You can regularly make jokes about my past “relationships” that border on the horrific. Actually no, they are disgusting and I despise you but they make me laugh until I cry. Back when everything was making me upset and I honestly thought I was the worst person alive, those jokes were some of the only things that helped.

You go to a shit ton of effort for me and part of me doesn’t get why but I appreciate it. There was one time when you went totally out of your way to come and see me, which is one of my happiest memories ever. I can shriek on and on about how great I think you are, making your ego rise to the height of the Shard but I think you know all of it already. If you don’t, if you doubt yourself, I’ll consistently scream compliments at you, the assets of your personality that you forget about and make you absolutely hate me.

To put it politely, you know far too many embarrassing things about me. From all my foetus pictures to you hearing me cringing at how much I repress my thoughts, you’ve pretty much seen it all. I could go from sending you crying voice messages to yelling at you about how much I’d like to visit Kansas one day and various other Oz-related things. Really, how do you put up with me? (She says, narcissistically wailing about herself)

The amount of memes I have with you is ridiculous. I don’t know who started calling them “memes” and usually, it’s not my type of thing to say but I can’t see normal memes because blind and so I like referring to them as that. It was probably you and I wouldn’t want to steal your joke. I’m not sure if you’ll be around to talk this evening but if you are, I plan to say all our memes in one conversation. I could do it, if I really tried, but nothing would come of it if I did. It’d just be the same old thing I usually do.

At the end of the day I’m a writer, so I’ve done a lot of writing for your birthday. There’s this and a few other things too. You didn’t want a materialistic present so this was the best I could do; I hope it doesn’t totally disappoint you. I may not know every single little thing about you, I may not be the best person all the time but I want to show you that I care.

One day, we’ll sit by a lit fire, looking out at a moon I can’t even see and singing Britney Spears at the tops of our lungs. It’s the ultimate thing friends should do and though I think nothing like that’s going to happen, I can dream. One of the first things you ever said to me was that you’d like to sit on a park bench one time and just talk about everything and I haven’t forgotten that.

I trust you so much. I trust you enough that I know you’d tell me if this “present” was awful. Despite the majority of people not being able to understand what I’m talking about, I’m posting this here because I don’t want your birthday to go by without me doing anything. Blogging is how we became close and so it feels right to write it here.

I just have one thing to say to you before I go: check your Twitter.

Also, I love you and you are a fabulous human. You already know that but I’m reiterating it because 1) I like to repeat myself and 2) I don’t say it enough when I properly mean it.

From the Elmitron πŸ™‚
P.S: Just saying, I nearly wrote my real name because you never call me Elm and if you do, it’s as a joke so THANKS FOR INADVERTENTLY TERRIFYING ME.

A Little Christmas Tag!

IT IS TWO WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS ARE YOU EXCITED?? Because I am and I’ve catapulted myself out of my “Scrooge Phase” and have finally become all Christmasy. For my first Christmas post of the year, I’m going to be doing a Christmas tag!

I was nominated by the wonderful Chloe Lauren and you can read her post here. She’s one of the most positive bloggers ever and you should totally look at her blog because CHRISTMAS!

This fab tag was created by Girl Enters and I love the idea of it. Christmas tags are so fun because you get to scream about how much you LOVE CHRISTMAS.

The Questions

Do you like Christmas?

I like it a lot more now than I did before; I used to not get hyped at all. I love it because of the presents and decorations and how it brings all my family together. I don’t get as hyped for it as some people do but when people around me are getting festive, it’s almost contagious.

What do you enjoy most about Christmas?

I really love going to Christmas markets and also spending time with my family. When we go to my Grandma’s, we often all get really involved in bringing in the presents and the ridiculous excitement on Christmas morning with stockings is something I still do. I’m not a child, okay?!! I’m just… Alright, maybe I am a tiiiny bit of a child. (I look like one so shhhh)

Do you travel at Christmas or stay at home?

On Christmas Eve – or usually the 23rd – we go to my Grandma’s for Swedish Christmas, where we open presents and have Swedish Christmas dinner. The next day, my sister and I go to our mum’s house and have a ‘second Christmas’ there. So in a way, we do both.

Do you send out Christmas cards?

I personally don’t because I can’t write them. When I do send them out, it’s usually to friends who can read Braille or if I’m feeling especially festive, I’ll ask someone to write it for me. I’m SORRY! Writing print isn’t, erm, exactly my forte.

Do you go to any Christmas parties?

Hahahahaha NOOO. I don’t get invited because I’m an antisocial moth Γ—100 but I’d like to go to one with family or maybe friends. The closest I get is a New Year’s party which acts as a kind of substitute birthday party.

Do you decorate your house?

Not much, besides the tree. We have a Christmas ornament on the door and my stepmum and I plan to buy Christmas candles this year (we really should do that). I’d love to get some reindeer ornaments too because, as with everything, THEY ARE SO CUTE!

What tops your tree?

An angel. It’s getting quite old but I love it – we used to have two, one for me and one for my sister, but I think one of them went missing or something. We used to have a star as well but we haven’t seen that in a while… I swear, elves are stealing our decorations.

When do you put up your Christmas tree?

Usually it’s around 5 December – this time, we put it up two days before that because we’re all going to be quite busy this week. (One day, I’ll go on a rant about how much I love Christmas trees which hopefully won’t turn me into an actual Elm).

How long do you leave up your decorations for?

We usually have them up until 5 January or the 6th because we like to keep the festive spirit going. This time, we might have to take the tree down a bit earlier because guests are coming round so I’ll just sob over fallen pine needles and mourn the loss of my kindred spirit… Right, I need sleep.

Which do you prefer, giving or receiving presents?

Hmm… I’d say giving because I love seeing people’s responses but also receiving because I’m paranoid people will hate the presents I got them and buying for my family is a nightmare. I don’t like getting too many presents because I hate my family spending too much money on me but I suppose they have the same thought process as me, in that getting someone something they love is amazing.

When and how did you learn about Santa Claus?

What?!! Santa isn’t real?
I learnt about that – my heart’s still breaking – when I was about 7. There were these hairbands in my stocking – the only ones I’d received – and I was eavesdropping at the door of the kitchen and heard my aunt say, “Those were some lovely hairbands you got Elm!” In my little brain I started going “Hmm… Have these bitches been lying to me?” and that, children, was how I realised Santa wasn’t real. As a side note, I had to keep on pretending to my cousin that Santa existed and every time, I probably had a weird little smile on my face.

What’s your favourite thing to eat during the Christmas holidays?

I know Christmas cake and pudding is great (actually it’s gross and I don’t like it) but I either love Advent callendar chocolate, chocolate orange or those decorations you get on the Christmas tree. A few years ago, I may or may not have eaten them all. Do you notice a pattern? I 100% certainly absolutely don’t.

Nominees

And I nominate…

Ruby Rae Reads

Indy

Sumedha

Kate

Jasmine

Lu

Bethany

I really hope you like this and that you’re having a fabulous December! Even if it’s freezing here in Britain, I’m still enjoying myself.

What kinds of decorations do you have up at Christmas?

From Elm πŸ™‚

That Party Last Night

Heyy!
If you haven’t read the post that I wrote yesterday, or you haven’t read the wonderfully inventive title, I went to a party last night. As in, an actual party with alcohol and people getting pissed, singing and dancing. I know – it was a shock to me too.

As I said before, I got incredibly stressed yesterday about my general appearance, which meant that I couldn’t do much work. After standing in my room for a while thinking, my sister yelled from downstairs that she was going to help me get clothes, and do makeup; I don’t know what I would have done without her.

I wore a black skirt, and because I’m very small, it had to be rolled up so I didn’t look like I came from Victorian times. I wore tights beneath it – I think they were black – together with a top of a dark colour; I was never actually told what it was. On top of that was a black cardigan which was open to reveal the top in question. For makeup, I put on some foundation powder, which I’d bought together with a brush on Sunday. I had help with the eyeliner and mascara, because there’s no way I can do that yet on my own because blind. It’s funny because I’m pretending to be knowledgable about this shit when I don’t have a clue.

My sister went off to Winter Wonderland somewhere with her friend, leaving me alone for about an hour before my mum arrived from watching some sport (not that she even likes it; I have no idea why she went). That gave me plenty of time to stress further, and I constantly brushed my hair – it calms me down, what can I say! Other things that I did included brushing my teeth, reading blogs and putting on this really nice perfume I have. It was all a way to get mwh to feel more confident, and I think that it worked.

We drove down, first going to pick my friend Swan up. I felt rather sorry for my mum because she had to drive all that way just to drop me off, and then had to pick me up at midnight. It was freezing, and I felt the wind sweeping past my face as I got out of the car. Once Swan was with us, we drove the 5 minutes to get to Pine’s house.

I’ve known Pine for 5 years, and been to her house quite a few times. There was no feeling of self-consciousness as we said hello and with Swan and her beside me, I felt like I could really do this. I neither felt foreign in my own body, nor felt disgusting. At first, when we were in the girl’s house who was holding the party, it was a little awkward. We stood around, Swan taking over the sound system and putting bee movie memes on, the room slowly filling up with people. When it was just us and a few others, I felt out of place, more or less clinging to Pine and screeching with laughter at Swan’s ‘amazing’ dancing.

Strangely, as more people got there, I started to feel more comfortable. Of course, I felt overwhelmed at first because I knew barely anyone, but Pine helped with that. We were worried that we were going to be horrendously bored, and so we were chatting to each other, muttering that we could survive until half ten. We howled over what messes our love lives had become, having a slight bit of alcohol (which was awful) and attempting to ‘dance’. Swan high-fived a few people in her signature style – AKA smashing her hand into theirs – and laughed like a seagull, and I hugged both her and Pine a lot because I felt unbelievably affectionate.

The party was mostly comprised of girls, and the five boys that were there were all from wildly different social circles. I liked that there was a complete mix of us: at the beginning, groups were totally separated by the school we went to but by the end, everyone had pretty much mingled. The room I was in for the first half of the party was the one with the music, and had a lot of the people from my school in it. They played Fall Out Boy, numerous K-Pop songs, and even a song from Horrible Histories which made me nearly choke with laughter.

What was hilarious was that Pine tried to set me up with someone. I knew that in my heart, I wouldn’t kiss anybody because I’m still much too miserable, but it was funny to go along with it. There was a 5 foot 5 ginger guy there – and I say this because that was the only thing I knew about him before I started talking to him – and Pine set her sights on him for me, shoving me towards him and screaming, very subtly, “ELLMMMM let’s go THIS way! Come on, let’s get a drink – oi STOP running away!” Once I’d casually reminded her I was bisexual – “Y’know, I could technically go for either gender but there are so many girls here that it’s stressful” – she noticed my complimentary comments towards one of the girls there, who was a known lesbian. To be fair, that girl is absolutely lovely (she can do the splits to a terrifying degree; it’s amazing) and her, Swan and I had gone into the corridor and shouted about being not straight before waltzing back into the music room.

Transferring into the living room for the first time was when I properly started to be more social. Along with Pine, I walked in, and had potentially the most awkward encounter of the last month. A rather popular boy who goes to my school was extremely pissed (drunk for any Americans) and approached me.
“Hey you’re Elm, right?”
“Yahh, hey!”
“Well, I’ve never spoken to you in my life before have I?”
“Nope, I don’t think so.”
“It’s very nice to meet you! We’ve never spoken before…”
“It was lovely to meet you too!”
“Anyway, nice conversation – I’ve got to go – bye!”
“Errr… Bye?”

After that, I pretty much went purple with embarrassment, whilst Pine sobbed with laughter on the sofa beside me. We stayed in there for a little, and that was when I first spoke to Alex – I’m using his real name because it’s one of the most common names, and could be anyone.

Alex was the “5 foot 5 ginger guy” who Pine had, before, tried to set me up with. After my embarrassing conversation with the other boy, we walked across the room to the sofas, dodging the various people standing around. I didn’t even realise that it was Alex who I was speaking to at first, but as Pine sat next to me and laughed intermittently at me, I started speaking to him. He was on a sofa perpendicular to me, and so I was turned towards him as our conversation progressed, which most likely made me look like an utter creep.

I’d safely say that it was him, Pine and Swan who made my evening for various reasons: Swan was her usual, funny self and I’m so glad she was there; Pine understood me with a single tap on the shoulder and Alex was someone knew, someone who was ‘different’ to the classic partygoer. For one, he didn’t drink at all, and so we were two sober people in a room with either mildly tipsy, or flat-out drunk, people. Because of that, we laughed together, exchanging little comments before we really got talking, and I didn’t feel like a moron when I spoke to him. I sat on the floor at some points, to which he sat “Well, you’re an utter rebel!” and I could have hugged him, because that’s pretty much my catchphrase. Pine kept on nudging me and when we were out of the living room, she murmured, “Get in there eyy!” I laughed so hard that I nearly cried.

For the penultimate time, I went back into the music room to see what cake there was, catching up with Swan as I did so. Another girl, who sits near me in Psychology and got drunk out of her head, was there at certain points throughout the evening. When I went back into the living room she was there, shouting “Elm, I’m sooooo drunk!” and sitting on the floor, waving her hands around.

Pine had disappeared into the other room at that point, and so I was left with people I really didn’t know well, apart from the drunk girl I suppose. Surprisingly, I neither felt panicked nor ill, mainly because I was sitting on a sofa and Alex was there. We spoke even more, just about life: school, how hectic it was, and we stuck together because we didn’t know many people. He’s the type of person who’s friends with everyone, and so it was a shock when he voluntarily came back to sit next to me after being dragged up by a guy who was attempting to hit on him. Hopefully, he enjoyed my company, and wasn’t just being polite.

Highlights of that timeincluded Alex being hit on by my ex-boyfriend of three years ago who broke up with me because he was gay, and even though Alex told him repeatedly that he was straight, he sat on his lap/touched his hair/kept on coming back to say goodbye. I was cackling by that point, trying not to get mascara in my eye, and listening to the antics of the drunk girl. She was alternately on the other side of the room and near me, and once when I sat on the floor she dropped her beer and it went all over my skirt. She apologised about a hundred times, getting incredibly emotional, and then following it up with “Oh I’m so so drunk, Elm!” Pine got very drunk, coming into the living room and giggling constantly whilst staggering. She has a fencing competition today, so I wish her luck.

It wasn’t that I wanted to kiss Alex. If it had happened,I think I would have felt so sick with myself afterwards because I haven’t moved on at all. It was more an idle curiosity, brought on by proximity – we sat on the floor together one time. I kept on getting closer to him, which made me appear as if I was trying to make a move, but it was more that I craved some sort of closeness, friendship or otherwise. I’m not going to beat myself up for it.

I came out publically as bi – not that I’d hidden it, but it’s more on an if you ask you’ll know basis. The drunk girl shouted, “I’m BISEXUAL!”, I responded, “ME TOO,” and we both started screaming. She grabbed my hands and sounded so happy; I don’t know many bi girls in my year and so she and I were speaking about both guys and girls, gender and how being anything is okay AND IT WAS AMAZING. I don’t know if she’ll remember that she told me about a girl who she had a crush on, but I won’t bring it up with her or anyone else in case she didn’t mean to tell me. Alex knew before because we’d had a conversation about sexuality and love: I said I hated some people’s perceptions of sexuality, and he responded with this:
“Really, it’s just not an issue. I’ve never had a problem with people being gay, or anything else, or people being any gender. It doesn’t affect me – it doesn’t make you any different and it could never bother me.” So’ he’s basically my favourite person at the moment. When we had to leave – after Swan had come in to hang out with us, which was great – I gave him a hug. For once, I didn’t have to stand on tiptoes to give someone a proper hug, and I smiled when I said “You’re 5 5, right?” I hugged the drunk girl, plus everyone else, feeling my heart warm up.

All in all, I had a great time. I didn’t speak to many people when you think about it, but the casual conversations I had with so many of them were amazing. I was mostly focused on what was going on with me, and so I only found out about the girl throwing ice everywhere afterwards, and I felt bad when I found that a very popular guy had just got up and left because it wasn’t his kind of party. I would have spoken to him because he’d called my name early on in the evening for an indeterminate reason, but I was much too scared.

We got home at about 1, and I was – still am – exhausted. I got Alex’s number and we’ve been texting – not deep stuff, but still, it’s a new thing for me to just get some random person’s number. I haven’t contributed to the group chat apart from saying thank you to the girl who’s birthday it is, because I still feel a little like the people in the chat wouldn’t talk to me.

Last night, some people saw me for who I really was, outside of school. I shouted, laughed, was awkward at times, but it was all me. Hopefully, people will remember that and hopefully, I can carry on having good nights like that.

Have you got any interesting stories from parties? I hope you enjoyed reading my story-like ramblings!

From Elm πŸ™‚

I’m Being Sociable?

Tonight, I’m going to a real, proper, genuine… Party.

I know. The thought of me at a party, surrounded by drunk people dancing, makes me laugh so hard that I can barely speak. To my shock, it’s actually happening. A girl who I don’t know that well, but who I spoke to right at the beginning of the year, invited me to her birthday party, which almost shocked me into the next decade. Because, well, I never get invited to those types of parties.

Really, I’m just assuming that it’ll be a party with alcohol, and loud music, and all that. The girl who’s party it is is lovely, but I don’t know her “character” – so she could be throwing a quiet kind of gathering, or a party like Ivy’s last year. AKA alcohol +dancing +interesting situations; the only other party I’ve been to like that is Ivy’s. Do you see my slight dilemma?

I’m going to Pine’s beforehand for a few minutes, so that her parents can drop us off. Swan will be coming too, but apart from that, I don’t know many people there. It’s the case of “Knowing” them but not knowing them; I know their names but not who they really are. I’m pretty much going to be glued to Pine and Swan all evening, which is irritating because I hate being dependent on people. I couldn’t just go off on my own because I’m blind, could get lost, and I’d be too nervous if I was surrounded by potentially unreliable people who I don’t know.

I’ve decided, as usual, to stress myself out for various reasons. If you know the slightest thing about me, it’s that I’m prone to stressing and if there’s nothing to stress about, then I create a reason. You know the song perfectly? Oh, but what if you screw up when singing? You know how to cook this very basic thing? But what if the oven breaks, or you drop something?!

Being insecure about my body is a special enemy of mine. That means that I have no idea what the hell I’m wearing, because I don’t know what type of atmosphere it’ll be, and what other people would be wearing. Sticking out is terrifying to me in this situation, and I feel too awkward to ask various other people “Hi i’m a fashion disaster – what’re you wearing to the party?” I know that other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter, but this is the first time I’ve been invited to a party with a bunch of people I don’t know, by a girl who isn’t my close friend. She was the first new girl we spoke to before the actual school year started and I think that stuck with her – not to mention throughout the last two months, I’ve had nice conversations with her. It still surprised me, though.

I’m going to enlist my sister in helping me, because she’s back from university. In fact, she offered; she saw that I was getting stressed when I went up to her room and talked to her, and said to me: “Look Elm, it’s okay. I’ll help you, and you won’t fuck this up – you couldn’t.” My sister has gone to so many parties, and is the opposite to me in that she can get out there, wear whatever, and outwardly appear confident. She’ll help with makeup too, because I’m literally unable to apply anything because I’m worried I’ll do it wrong and can’t see myself to check.

I’m also worried that I’ll act stupidly. If there’s alcohol, I don’t really want to get drunk because I hate not being in control, but I may have some. I don’t know. I’m trying not to overthink this or plan it too much in my head, because it’s just a party. It’s still a novelty to even be invited to one by someone like her: someone so nice, who doesn’t know much about me but who’s trying.

Oh, you know what? I’m just going to ‘wing it’, as they say. Recently my mental health has been abismal and I’m not expecting this to fix anything, but it can disarract me. Distraction iso’t the best thing to do but I’ve been constantly feeling bad for the last month with very little break, so I almost think I deserve to forget about shit. Obviously, I’ll still get sad, but having fun will lessen the hurt a little.

What I’m most looking forward to is meeting new people. When I want to be, I can be sociable, and the thought of new people really getting to know me makes me happy. I’ll try not to worry about how I speak, how I look, or if people will think I’m stupid. I’m worried that I just won’t be able to talk to anyone because they’ll all know each other, but I’ll be okay.

I’m just going to enjoy myself, whatever happens. There’s no point to existing if you can’t live a little. I’m still sad but for one night I will be happy and maybe that one night will turn into every night, one day.

From Elm πŸ™‚

My Prom Night!

Hellooo! Here’s the update that I promised yesterday. It’s a long post – not because something HUGE happened, but just because I like to write a lot.

I’m going to run through what happened, start to end, and then explain my thoughts and feelings (if I haven’t already within the post). Just to say, I DIDN’T go to the afterparty after all, and I’ll explain why in a bit.

First of all, I got my hair and makeup done. It was at this adorable little place in the town next to mine, and the ladies who made me up were so lovely. I kept on making jokes about how inexperienced I was at even doing makeup, whenever they wanted to know what kind of eyeshadow I preferred. I also had my nails done (they used an awesome UV lamp to dry them which was about my favourite part), and also my eyebrows waxed which really didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Better than getting it threaded, because apparently that hurts to hell.

I’ll give you a little description of what I looked like, as I can’t show a picture (because anonymity). My hair was curled so that it fell in waves, with two plaits secured at the back of my head with pins. Some hair was brought forward, so that it hung over my shoulders, and the rest of my hair fell down my back. My nails were sort of a red colour and were sparkling/glittering, and they matched my dress. Getting it all done made me feel amazing, like I was properly beautiful and that I didn’t have to be ashamed of anything. I remember walking out of the place, into the slight drizzle and just feeling powerful, floaty and different.

After that, I went home, put my dress on and went to Red’s house. I was constantly paranoid that my hair would be ruined, as it was raining (love you too, England) and that we would be late (because of traffic). Red’s phone’s buggered so I couldn’t text him to tell him I’d be slightly late. We eventually arrived, and when I opened the door the reaction from Red’s mum made me grin like a moron because she was the first person, apart from my parents, that have seen me in the flesh with my dress on.

Because my mum is obsessed with the idea of me having a “date” (even though he and I went as friends), they took about a million photos. I had to perfect my smile, which I STILL can’t do because it either looks fake or like I’m in pain. Oh well! It was really nice to just be standing there having your photo taken – plus, Red gave me the most adorable corsage (which I then didn’t wear at prom itself because I’m a dick) but I loved it and it matched my dress and ahh!

Luckily, I hadn’t changed my mind at the last minute and gone to Holly’s thing, so Red and I were driven to Pine’s house. Thank god for that, because I had so much fun. I don’t often involve myself in that group, but I’m going to next year because they are so so lovely. Daisy was there – a girl I used to hate – but also Cedar… Yeah, the Cedar I used to have a huge crush on, who now very much fancies Pine. Whoops.

In the process of staying at Pine’s, I managed to smash a really nice champagne glass (thanks Red), nearly fall over in my heels, almost forget my bag and then have a tiny crush on Cedar once more. He kept on moving closer to me on the sofa, but I know that was because he wanted to move closer to the others. Ehh well; I still had such fun because I laughed insanely when we had to take pictures, and just at the banter we had.

We went to Prom in a camper van, which was fucking awesome. It didn’t have any seat belts, so me, Daisy and another girl were on a long seat, gripping onto each other, and Pine and our other friend were on the floor (the boys went in a separate car). There was a lot of screaming and laughter, but my favourite part of the journey was when Daisy and I spoke. She and I have had our ups and downs but to be honest, I think she’s really awesome. She’s been there for people so much, and when we were talking, she said that I was really kind and that I always tried to be there for everyone. That made me unbelievably emotional, because I just want to leave year 11 on a high point with as many people as possible.

The Prom itself was at a hotel. It was drizzling again, and somewhat cold; after a horrendously long queue to get in, we got out of the van (and I nearly tripped over Daisy’s dress), stood around in the rain and then finally got into the building itself. Walking past teachers, whilst they compliment you on your outfit and you’re surrounding by the chatter and laughter of people in your year was the best feeling; it made me feel invincible. Though I still had trouble walking in my heels, at least I didn’t fall over.

After that, the events become more hazy. The room in which the Prom was being held was small compared to the size of our year, with a carpetted floor and food outside (it was so stressful trying to get said food, and we ended up jumping the queue to be next to Red). There was loud music – which, coupled with the din of people yelling and exclaiming over dresses and clothes – made it so bloody difficult to hear myself, or anyone around me.

Highlights of the evening include:
Wren running up to me and attacking me with a huge hug whilst we both screamed about our dresses
Going to a photobooth with Pine and her group
Going to the same photobooth and getting pictures with Wren (I don’t know what I’d do without her; she makes my day every day).
Getting photos with Wren and Red, where we had stupid props on and looked so moronic that it was hilarious
Dancing with Odd where they span me round and we both went crazy
Standing outside when I needed fresh air, and feeling the wind on my face whilst people laughed around me

It came to my attention, quite horribly and unexpectedly throughout the night, that I really – and I mean REALLY – wanted to get with someone. Because I’m insane and I like getting the piss taken out of me by my real life friends, it’s the guy I talked about in this post so if you haven’t read that, you should (she says, self-promoting like a pro). It came as a horrifying realisation: I’ve always had a slight “fascination” with Sycamore, as he’s always been so kind but also, he’s in a different group to me. I don’t know how to explain it. There was me, pissed off and frustrated because I KNEW nothing would happen: I didn’t see him all night, and I knew he wasn’t going to the afterparty. In addition to that, Prom’s not really the place where you “hook up” with someone as I expected it to be just hanging out with friends, rather than kissing people. I just wanted to kiss him, to know what it was like, and to prove myself I COULD. Is that fucked up?

The most emotional part of the evening was when I said goodbye to Cedar. He was also someone who I half wanted to have something with, and though I didn’t do anything with him, he found me at the end of the night. For a few minutes, we had a lovely conversation that ended with this:
C: Okay Elm… I have to go now.
E: Ehhh okay, see ya!
C: So, have a nice life.
E: Eyy c’mon, give me a hug.
So we hug for about 30 seconds, with me just breathing and trying my best not to cry because as much as I don’t have feelings for him, I care about him so much. He trusted me with how shit he felt about the Pine situation and as we hugged, I was pretty sure he was remembering that. AHHH I still feel emotional.

I spoke to Willow loads as well throughout the night. We were standing outside the main room, hugging like crazy and just holding each other and talking. I will never, ever forget about her because she’s so fab; we just wandered around at one point and I told her about the Sycamore situation (that has a nice ring to it) so that she’d understand how frustrated I was. ALSO, I’ve been screaming for the past 12 hours because the person she’s fancied for ages and her kissed and I won’t say who that is because privacy, but it’s so so lovely and I’m so happy for her because she deserves it! She and I spoke on the phone about it, amidst me squealing about how adorable it was.

When Prom was ending, I felt even more emotional. There was elation, because I’d spent time with friends and had the best time, but also a slight disappointment because of all the things I didn’t do. I won’t dwell on that, though; I still have time to do whatever I want. We went back to Pine’s house, dropping Red off on the way, and I was so incredibly tired that I could barely move. My feet were aching like hell because of the heels, and I nearly fell on Red at one point because I could barely stand upright.

Pine and I didn’t go to the afterparty, as I was so tired. In a way, it was lucky we were both not there, as it got shut down by the police at 2 which kind of makes me laugh, though it shouldn’t. Because of that, I stayed over at hers and we talked for about an hour before going to sleep. It was about everything: Willow (because I shrieked when I found out about her romantic moment), people, how we’ve changed, life and pretty much everything else. As I did with Willow and Wren, I told her about Sycamore and she was totally fine with it, and even said she’d organise something in the summer where we could all hang out. I’m so glad I have Pine still here, because she’s great.

All in all, I had a brilliant night. Spending time with friends, especially Odd, Red and Wren, made my entire week. I won’t be forgetting about this in a hurry, and I’ll always remember the crowds, the loud music and how I just felt included.

So many people complimented me on my dress, which made me feel great because I’d put effort in. Maybe I wasn’t the most stunning, but I was pretty enough for me, and pretty enough for me to feel like I really was. According to loads of other people, everyone’s dresses were gorgeous (Willow’s, Wren’s, EVERYONE’s) and it was so nice to see that people were happy when others told them, “You look so beautiful!”

I may not have kissed anyone last night, but that comes second to having a wonderful time. I had one, but happiness doesn’t mean having both; it means having enough of one to feel like you can do anything.

From Elm πŸ™‚

APPARENTLY I’m Responsible?!

So I might have landed myself something that might be considered a “job”. Yeah, I don’t know what the hell happened either.

Today, we had a street party. In our street, there are TONS of little kids – and though they’re cute, they run out and cause mayhem, and there’s no one my age apart from a boy in year 10 called Curtis who didn’t even come out of the house (or maybe he’d gone to see his friends or something).

I REALLY didn’t want to be bored. It was boiling for the first part of it, and I was terrified I’d just be standing outside with no one to talk to but my dad. Yesterday, I asked Rose (a really close family friend my age) if she wanted to come, and she said yes. Along with her father, she turned up an hour late because her dad was doing gardening: she’t texted me, but me being a rebel, I left my phone inside because I wanted to have the freedom of not being connected to technology.

Rose, her sister Poppy and I are close in the sense that sisters are close. We’re so comfortable around each other – we might not be able to talk about EVERYTHING, like there’s a lot we don’t know about one another, but I love them. Not that I’d say that to them because we hate getting sentimental with each other. I hung out with Rose all day outside, and we chatted to loads of people in my street – most of which I didn’t actually know.

One of the people was this lovely woman – I think she might have been American? She has a 7-year-old boy and asked me if I was interested in babysitting (I told her I’d never thought about it but that my sister had done it before for other people in the street). After that, I didn’t pay much mind to it because I’m ME AND I’d feel sorry for the kid I had to babysit. Plus the being blind thing made me nervous that I’d fuck up, when it shouldn’t have.

For the rest of the time, Rose and I sat round a table – it was alternately sunny, windy then overcast – just talking about books, life and everything. Though I was sad that Poppy couldn’t come, it was lovely to talk to Rose one-on-one. She and I are so comfortable with each other that it was normal to stand with our arms around each other and be really close physically. Also, we talked about so-called “awkward” topics like sex, which I’d never spoken to her about before and it was so so strange but amazing. She has the same book taste as me, and she’s about the only friend from real life that DOES and we were screaming about the books we loved. (Convinced her to read The 5th Wave which made my life)

We cringed so much at the kid’s games that were going on – you know, the ones you get in Sports Day in primary school – three-legged race and that. The worst part was that our dads took part in a few and I was just sat there crying with laughter while an 8-year-old girl screamed into the microphone about the next race (they also somehow broke the mic and my dad had to fix it). It was literally amazing and so so bloody tiring because Rose’s dog kept going mental because I think he’s in love with my dad or something.

I’m getting off-topic. The babysitting thing came up again right at the end, where I mentioned it to my dad. Rose’s dad and him then suggested, “Hey Elm! Why don’t you three do it?” Rose, Poppy and I go volunteering at a run usually, and so we work as a team. We leapt on the idea (even though I was like “WHAAAAATTTT but children!”) and went to find the lady to tell her.

So yeah. I somehow have a tentitive job – the first EVER in my life. Literally EVER. What the hell is this?!

I can’t believe she thought me responsible enough to look after children. There are so many kids that are young in our road that we could never run out of people to look after. It’s honestly flattering that though she didn’t know me very well, she offered a “job” to me (and my friends because she was delighted when we said we’d all be doing it). I’m glad I get to hang out with the two girls more, too.

It’s strange. I know it’s not much, but both Rose and I really want something to do over the summer. I love the two of them and so being with them in someone else’s house, whilst we have to look after my neighbour’s children, should be fun. I’m worried I’ll screw it up, but I just want to give it a go.

Aaaahhh I’m being responsible! ME! ELM! At least I’m doing something though; that counts for a lot because I’m helping people out in my street and I want to show them and myself that I can be trusted.

Everyone does babysitting but it’s a big leap for me because no independence and also jobs and that are a huge worry for me, always have been.

Today was a really good day. I loved hanging out with Rose and just smiling, surrounded by music, little kids shrieking and the smells of barbeques.

From Elm πŸ™‚

YAY MY PARTY

I’m SO tired and I’ve had SUCH a long and amazing day.

So first, I went volunteering at a run at the park with my friend Poppy, which we do every week and it’s great – FREEZING, but great. It’s just so nice to catch up with her.

THEN, I had my party. I went to the town where my school is, which is about 40 minutes away from me, and my amazing friends came with me to join my AMAZING FRIENDS that had already arrived. ARGH I’m so happy to talk about this!

My friend Ivy came, as well as Aspen (my boyfriend), his friend (need to think of a tree name), Holly, Wren, Odd, Red, Swan (Wren’s girlfriend who’s also amazing), and OBVIOUSLY I didn’t go, GOD, where would you get that impression from? And me being cool, we went to Pizza Express – AND STAYED FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS.

Oh my god, it was amazing. I opened presents, all of us moved and kept switching seats, I gave about a million hugs (SORRY RED) and cried with laughter and afterwards, we went “shopping” as the people slowly had to go until it was just me, Aspen, his friend (Who is also my friend fuck’s sake I need a naturey name), Red and Ivy sitting on some steps like rebels.

I feel so happy. We went hyper and Wren and the rest of them quietly fangirled to me about how great Aspen was – they hadn’t met him before and so I’m so glad they like him. Him and HIS FRIEND OH MY GOD THIS IS BOTHERING ME – came round to my house after we got home, and we had a lot of meaningful conversations mixed with laughter.

OH WAIT – my presents! Highlights included:

An AMAZING card from Odd and they gave me money yes
SO MUCH chocolate from Red (that WAS what I wanted)
A mini shopping trolley from Wren with an owl teddy bear inside it – LOVE IT
About a billion things from Swan to do with baths and shit like that and it’s awesome

The ones that I have on me right now are a ring from Ivy – alright, I love her for this. The ring has ELM LEAVES ON IT. ELM LEAVES. She knows about the blog and I spent about 5 minutes shrieking over it.

Aspen got me a beautiful necklace. I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s a flower and it sparkles… I want to attach a picture, but I can only use my phone. PSH. Too tired.

I don’t know how to adequately summarise this day, but trust me when I say that I NEEDED it. The freedom I felt was beautiful and I’m so so glad my friends came – if you’re reading this, thank you so much. You made me smile and laugh and feel amazing and THAT makes me happy. You’re the best friends I could ever ask for.

How was your day? I’m bloody exhausted.

Ahh, all my presents are amazing, for the simple fact that I received them. I wish every day could be like this.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Happy Not-Birthday To Me!

Good day, me ol’ matez! (Because the S is just too mainstream…)

I think I’ve genuinely shocked myself irreparably with that greeting… ANYWAY, moving on swiftly!

Today is my not-birthday.

“No shit, Sherlock!” you may shout. “EVERY single day, apart from your birthday, is your NOT birthday! Foolish imbecile…”

Fine! If that’s how you feel about me… I’ll put it in simpler terms for ya.

I was SUPPOSED to be born on 19 April, 2000.

I was ACTUALLY born on 31 December, 1999.

Yeah, that’s pretty crapping awkward… That’s kinda part of the reason my eyes are a bit… Terrible, but that’s a whole other story.

When I tell people about the fact that I was born 16 weeks early, I get several reactions.

1. “Oh, you’re a miracle!”

2. “Well, you’re lucky to be alive, aren’t you?”

3. “Do you remember it?”

The last one made me laugh so hard I almost cried.

I don’t try to avoid the fact that I was born so early. It’s not something to BE avoided: if people ask, I’ll tell them. What I don’t like is parading around the fact:

“EYYY, look at me! ME! I was born 16 weeks EARLY, you weren’t, I’m more special than you, HAHAHA look how great I am!” If I EVER did that, I’d be certain that 1. I’d lose all respect for myself; 2. My friends would lose respect for me and 3. I wouldn’t be WORTHY of anyone’s respect.

There are people who twist the things that happen to them into a grand story to show off; they use it as a way to make themselves feel better about themselves.

I’m many things, but I’d hope I’m not one of them.

The reason why I wrote this was to point out that EVERYONE has something different about them, but what you choose to do with those differences defines you more than the actual differences do.

Thanks for reading!

F to the I to the F T Y!

Good day, chums!

And no, I have not gone round the bend, off my rocker, whatever you want to call it.

Due to a slightly strange conversation I had yesterday with Aiden, AKA Bubbakavangha, “chums” is now my way of saying “Blog-mates”. Because mlogs sounded like a skin disease and bloggates sounded like one of those really huge boots that were in fashion 80 years ago.

That’s not why I wrote this post (though you have to admit that it could be a topic all in itself). As you can see by the title:

I’VE HIT THE 50 FOLLOWERS MARK!!!!

Yes, this will sound arrogant “I have 50 followers and you don’t, HAHA PEASANT”. I’m sorry! But seriously, thank you to ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE, who read, liked, commented and followed. It means so much!

Blech. I sound so, so…

But thank you again! 50… How the hell…