Small Confessions I Want to Make, Part 2

As with the first time I did this, I’m going to be writing little sentences to explain complicated thoughts in my head. Sometimes, expanding on a point makes me tired so these will have to do. Remember if you feel like any of these, I understand and you can always talk to me about it.

I get scared when I feel strong emotion and so have blocked it out for the last 3 months and now I don’t understand how to un-block it.

Having people be disappointed in me or not trust me any more really hurts but I brought it on myself and I feel like I deserve it.

I’ve lied to so many people that the thought of having to tell the truth – which I started to do yesterday – terrifies me because where do I start?

The longer I refused to admit things to people, the worse it got.

I’m going to repeat the same mistakes I did before because I said I wouldn’t in the summer and then did: I don’t know how to stop myself or if I will.

I have so little trust and faith in myself and others as a general rule that I feel lost a lot of the time.

I avoid my problems to such an extent that it makes them worse and causes me to lose friends.

I’ve missed a few blogging opportunities because I’ve been too stressed to reply to emails, when I know that blogging is the one thing I truly love.

Distracting myself is the only way I can get through days without screaming but I don’t know how to stop distracting myself now.

Last night, I stayed up until 2 AM because I was miserable and for the first time in a while, thought concrete thoughts without shying away from them.

Yesterday evening, I got so angry with myself that I wanted to punch through my window and it terrified me.

When I’m lonely, I do stupid, irrational things and now I’m known for that; it makes me sad.

If I get paranoid that people will hate me or never speak to me again, I don’t tell them things that I should which is so damaging to everyone involved.

The feelings I discussed here have grown and I really don’t like it; it’ll end in tears for me.

I’ve really fucked up and the magnitude of that has been hitting me all day, leaving me shaking and disgusted with myself.

Over the next few months, I want to feel like I have some kind of purpose rather than feeling listless.

I’m worried that when I go abroad later this month, my classmates will think I’m weird and won’t speak to me.

I still feel lonely and as much as it’s okay, I hate it.

Good days are what I live for.

Apologising is a scary thing for me because I can’t get the words right and if I screw this up, I won’t only upset myself but it’ll impact at least two other people.

I’m scared but I need to do something; I need to fix all of this.

I need to fix this now otherwise it’ll never be sorted.

If I can make other people happy, if I can swallow my pride and just say sorry without any justification for my actions, everything will be alright.

From Elm 🙂

Small Confessions I Want to Make

Sometimes, all it takes to say something is a sentence; that’s okay because having short little thought explosions can help get my mind in order. Here are a few things I want to get off my chest, but writing a post about each one is too exhausting.

I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere and that nobody wants me in a group enough for me to stick with it.

I’m really bad at talking to people one-on-one, because I think I’m not interesting enough and that I have no real personality.

I’m terrified of being left behind and whenever someone becomes great friends with one of my best friends, I’m scared they’ll forget about me and I’ll be nothing to them.

I’m just scared in general that I was never enough for a person, that replacing me wouldn’t even be replacing to them because I don’t cross their mind enough times for me to be worth replacing.

I don’t eat enough and I’m hungry a lot of the time but sometimes, I don’t want to put the effort in to eat something.

I have a friend or two that I think I have feelings for, but I’m refusing to admit it because it might hurt me in the long run.

Being swept up in someone from my past is probably a bad idea, but I don’t know if I can help it or if I want to.

I’ve had feelings for a blogger – I suppose you’d call it that – and no one knew, knows or will know because it’s too embarrassing, stupid and would cause a whole lot of shit.

I’m paranoid that said blogger thinks I’m weird or hates me, but I’m illogically paranoid that many people do.

The most alive I’ve ever felt is when I’m disconnected from anyone that hurt me, but the happiest I’ve ever felt is being with someone that then did.

I’m known for accidentally spreading stuff I shouldn’t and I’m petrified that if I get too close to people, I’ll find things out and hurt them by accident, or cause a cycle of lies.

I don’t know what to do that will make me feel happier, or more connected with my emotions, that won’t result in confusion and pain.

I want to be happy, and I’m willing to try and let myself.

I haven’t had a real “crush” since July and I’ve forgotten what feelings without a dash of worry and pain feel like.

I want to fall in love but I’m trying to not hate myself first.

I’m worried that if I make people wait for me to be okay, they won’t move on and I’ll feel terrible and break people’s hearts.

I’m insecure about my appearance; I can become aggressive and I don’t know how to take compliments.

This is the most honest I’ve been on my blog for months, because right now I have no filter and I like it.

I feel like if I meet too many new people, I’ll be overwhelmed and forget about the old, but I want to get to know people and make as many people happy as possible.

I’m starting to help and care about myself, but in the process I think I’m neglecting everyone else.

There’s not one person who knows every single thing I’ve done because if there were, I’d end up hurting people by the things I say.

I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve ever physically done (if you catch my drift WOW).

However, if people knew everything they might be ashamed of me which is why I don’t tell them.

I love so many people – platonically – and I want them to know that.

To be honest, I overthink.

From Elm 🙂