Girl in Minature

Upon being asked my bra size today, I became quite upset, self-conscious and paranoid – not at the person who asked, because I know they don’t care, but at my body in general. It was a horrible feeling, creeping over me as I ran my hands up and down my arms and felt sick inside. “Why am I feeling this?” I asked myself. I’d got to a stage where I didn’t actively dislike myself, too swept up in other emotions to care, but that was shattered with one (innocent) question.

I’m 5 ft. 1, and 17. That’s not a problem because there are plenty of people who are, but I look child-like. My face is small, hands and breasts and feet; I’m always the smallest in a group or if I’m not, it’s a surprise to people. I’m tiny, and I look 15 without makeup, 16 with makeup – i’ve been told so by multiple unconnected people. Ordinarily it wouldn’t bother me, because there’s more to life, but sometimes I hate feeling like the little one, the one people always assume is a little sister or just younger. It sounds like I’m complaining and you’d most likely be right, but I’m filled with this sadness and stupid, pointless irritation at something I can’t help.

I’m in proportion; if my breasts got bigger, my feet suddenly grew two sizes or I put on a fair bit of weight, it would make me feel so much worse because people might stare. However, people always yearn for what they can’t have, and as much as I know people don’t care about small boobs, I’m paranoid they do. It always comes back to that paranoia, because even if I trust a person, I’m worried they just think I’m way too small, that I should just try harder to look my age.

Occasionally, and I’ve talked about this before, it feels as if people don’t take me seriously at this size. Maybe it’s the way I talk too, or my facial expressions, but sometimes people talk down to me and don’t even mean to do it. This stupid insecurity is tiring me because maybe if I’d been born later, I would have grown more but if I were born later, I might have something else that’s much worse than blindness.

At some point, I will accept my body. People do find me attractive in some form, despite my thoughts telling me otherwise, and I’m not entirely undesirable. It’s funny though because I’m never the one that stands out for my prettiness in a crowd and I’m glad of that because it would put too much attention on me. On the other hand, I want to be loved – doesn’t everyone? – and to have that potential barrier of going to a party and people thinking you’re just not tall enough, that it’d be like kissing someone way younger than you – fills me with this inadequacy. I’ll shake myself out of it tomorrow.

To my shame, I snapped at the friend who asked me about my bra. I feel awful for it, because I started questioning my body and saying some pretty hurtful things about myself that most likely made me look like an attention-seeking arse. After I said, “Good luck with trying to change my mind about my own body”, he said “Well at least let one of us be happy about it.” In hinesight, that was a nice thing of him to say, but at the time I scoffed and just thought that he was bullshitting, that my stupid bra size would then be something people would talk about, laugh about, judge me on. I always think that that friend talks about me behind my back, or the group he’s in, but I doubt he does and even if he did, they can form their own opinions about me and I’ll live my own life.

It comes down to confidence. If I don’t have that, I won’t be able to appreciate that yes, I am pretty; no, my breasts aren’t too small because whatever size you are doesn’t matter and NO, I’m not somehow worthless because of all of it. People don’t give a shit, and aren’t going to laugh or say, “Pah, I’d never want HER; she’s too small!” It’s not a deficiency – it’s just a part of me.

Remember that all shapes and sizes are fine to have; you aren’t ruled by what you look like. If you think you’re too tall, keep in your mind that there are many people who think you’re the perfect size and you shouldn’t change a thing. Same as if you’re smaller, or if you’re a certain weight. Your worries, fears and other people’s potential judgements aren’t what control your feelings. You are.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

I Appear to Have Transformed

If you’d have told me, a year ago, that I was going to willingly put on makeup before going out, I would have laughed in your face and asked if you were okay.

Now, as I’m about to take some foundation out of my bag, I’m wondering what changed. It’s only been in the last… Two weeks that I’ve fully wanted to put makeup on, but why? Does it make me feel more confident?

The answer is no. It doesn’t. Some people feel like makeup is a mask, others an art, and still others a way to express themselves. Me? I just think it’s a thing that I do, and I’m trying to pinpoint why I sort of like it now.

I used to hate it. I used to think it was pointless and that putting it on would make me somehow fake. Other girls would wear it, every day, and I’d consider it weird and think, “That’s not me!” I’ve decided that thinking that is kind of judgemental and that I should “embrace it” and be comfortable with wearing it, for lack of a better word.

Ever since one day, when my friend Ivy and I went to a town near me and I put it on, I’ve felt like I could wear makeup without being judged. I could wear it without judging myself, or calling myself stupid, or any other negative adjective.

After my Prom, I’ve been thinking that wearing makeup isn’t such a bad idea. I won’t wear it every day – only on days where I go outside with friends – and I don’t think it’s to fit in. I know that my friends don’t care, and no one else should either. It’s about me, and how I feel when I wear it. I don’t feel more confident, or anything like that; I just feel like it’s an extra, optional feature that I could put on if I wanted to.

I do want to, and I’m happy with that. Sometimes, changes in myself scare me, and I hate them. Unlike previously, I haven’t had an identity crisis; I’ve accepted this for how it is: just another part of me that’s slowly growing. To let it grow is totally fine, because people change.

Thinking that putting on makeup “isn’t me” is ridiculous. Wondering if my friends will think I’m fake is also pointless, because they won’t. It’s OKAY to wear makeup, Elm! It’s. more than okay, because you’re putting yourself out there a little. I’m going to seize this attitude which I have now and use it every day, if I can, because I need to feel positive.

Makeup doesn’t make me more of a girl. It doesn’t make me “stereotypical”, or a sheep for following the crowd. It doesn’t make me who I am, because I was already that – with or without it.

Do you guys wear makeup – no matter what gender you are?

You know what? I feel powerful.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Do I HAVE The Right?

Today, I went prom dress shopping with Wren – which was amazing, and we cried with laughter on so many occasions. She’s fabulous ๐Ÿ˜€

I found my dress, but in the process of looking, something came up that bothered me a little at the time, but now I’m okay.

We went through shops, looking for dresses in my size. To put things in perspective, I’m thin as hell, and underweight – fuckit, let’s just say it. I’m a size 6.

There were hardly any dresses in that size – all of them were 8s. “10, 12, 14, another 14, okay that’s an 8, and that one, and THAT one, c’mon c’mon!” BUT hardly any sixes. And it upset me. Wren noticed, of course, and we talked it through.

Do I have a right to be bothered that I’m SO thin, SO small, and that hardly anything WILL fit me? I don’t know. On either end of the scale – overweight, underweight – clothes won’t fit as easily. I’d rather be in the middle, an 8, 10, or 12, but then people apparently would be so happy if they were my size.

But no, you wouldn’t be. In the shops, they hardly ever have dresses, or the dresses I NEEDED, in my size, and it was frustrating as hell.

People worry about being fat, overweight, etc – by the way, that’s not a bad thing and don’t try and change yourself. I feel like I’m UNABLE to give advice, because I’m so thin, but in a way I can because I have the same issues, but just in reverse.

I think I’m TOO thin, TOO skinny, small, with my wrists too thin and my body too little that only kids’ clothes will fit me. Shoes are always a problem too, because I’m so small. When I think, or talk about it, I feel like it’s unfair because people have it so much worse, in terms of body confidence, than I do.

You know what? I’m alright how I am. I’m tiny, I look like a 12-year-old, but I don’t care. Shopping’s more difficult, but to be honest, who cares? I’m living my life and yeah, putting on weight might be better for me, but I’m working on it.

People have it difficult, they always will. It might seem like I’m talking up on a pedestal, like my life is perfect because of my weight, but I KNOW how you feel when you can’t stand your body. No matter what size you are, does it matter? What DOES matter is that you’re as healthy, and happy, as you can be. Don’t dismiss people just because they’ve got different struggles to you. Don’t call thinner people skinny bitches, or larger people disgusting.

Just remember this: you might think the people who you WANT to be, who are your opposites, have it amazing. Chances are, they hate their body and they feel insecure. That just shows you you’re not alone, and that it’s okay to be how you are.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Guest Post – Body Confidence

Hey guys! Today I have a guest post from the amazing BeautyAnion and it honestly made me feel better about myself. This is the. type of message that SHOULD go around. Anyway, I’m honoured that she’d post on my blog – thank you!

Hello everyone,

Now I know that my blog is a ‘fashion blog’ but I thought that this was an important issue that I would like to address and to me I think it sort of relates to style.

I used to love being a child and not giving a care about the world around me and I would be able to enjoy the things I do without hesitating, and people still say to be that I am still young and should be care free but asadolescence-hood struck upon me I have grown extremely self conscious of my body. Most teenage girls could also probably relate to this. And I do care about the way I look.

Majority of girls you ask will say there is something about them that they don’t like, whether it is the size of certain areas, stretch marks, or so on, and even if you see girls posting photos on Facebook of them in bikinis, I’m sure they would say something similar.

I always find myself comparing my body to others, and what I would like to happen to my body if I started exercise more regularly. I very rarely wear crop tops without high waisted jeans as I feel like everyone is judging me on the way I look. Do you feel the same sometimes?

But then I do wonder, why should we care? Why should I be comparing myself to somebody from a magazine who has more than likely been photo-shopped in some way or another? The fact is I shouldn’t. You shouldn’t. This is going to sound so cliche but we were given the body’s that we live in today and you only get one body and you should love you for being you. Ignore the comments made, all that matters is that you are happy and should live life fully, not worrying about whether you will be judged, because really we are all the same.

Body confidence issues are a problem among many, not just girls, but boys too! And this blog post definitely won’t solve anything, but I just wanted to put the message out there that whatever you wear, you wear because you like it, it makes you you and you shouldn’t worry about what you look like in it or what others think because really, think to yourself ‘Does it really matter what others think of me when I am comfortable being who I am?’

So wear that crop top, or shorts or whatever it is in pride. Just be happy and be you!

BeautyAnion xo