Tag: Elm

The Mystery Blogger Award!

Elm30 Comments

It’s been so long since I’ve done an award and I’m sat here mildly disgusted at myself for being so bad at this!

I was nominated by the lovely pair at Findthebeautyy to do this! I found their blog recently and think they’re fantastic; check them out if you want a wonderful variety of posts! Thanks for nominating me; it means a lot.

Although I’ve done this award once before, I thought I’d revisit it because I remember loving it so much. Created by OkotoEnigma, it’s described by her as “An award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging; and they do it with so much love and passion.” I think that this perfectly captures the essence of blogging!

The Rules

1. Put the award image or logo on your blog.
2. Thank the person that nominated you and link their blog in your post.
3. Name the creator of this award and link their blog in your post.
4. List the rules.
5. Answer your nominator’s questions.
6. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
7. Nominate 10-20 people.
8. Ask your nominees 5 original questions of your choice.
9. Share links to your best blog posts.
10. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blogs.
There’s so much variety in this and it makes me happy! Right, here we go.

Findthebeautyy’s Questions

1. What is your reason for starting your blog?
I needed a place to vent my feelings out – an outlet – and I wanted to help people with their feelings too because everyone deserves to be heard. After the end of my last blog, I wanted to start again and I thought Elm was the perfect name and way with which to do it. Turns out I was right and if I can help at least one person through this, I’ll be happy.

2. What motivates you?
Motivation has always been a struggle but the main thing is when I know it’ll help me or someone else. Also, my life experiences give me motivation to either do something or not do something: when doing work, my main motivation is that I know that in the long run, it’ll have a positive outcome. Then again, I do have short bursts of that motivation; I need to work on it.

3. What is the most important thing to you?
This is so painfully cliché but it’s making people happy and helping them. I thrive most when helping others rather than myself and I think it’s so important to make other people smile. Of course I’ll look after myself but for me, I’m happy when others are too. Luckily, it’s a principle that has remained constant for me.

4. Who’s the most important person in your life?
Ahhh I’m not sure; I can’t name one specific person. My dad is very important to me as well as my friends and someone I was previously in a relationship with as all of them shape me as a person. It’s so difficult to choose – nope, I can’t do it. I’m so indecisive!

5. What makes you happiest on a bad day?
Having fun with friends which lets me remove the sadness. I really like positive atmospheres and so when I’m laughing, I’m the most happy even when I’m miserable. Smiling makes everything better, I think.

3 Things about Myself

1. I hate the feeling of sand on any part of my body apart from my hands.
2. I hardly ever watched TV when I was younger; I just listened to audiobooks and played outside.
3. When I laugh too hard I cry and then people often ask me what’s wrong; also my laugh is one of the most obnoxious things you could ever hear.

My Nominations

1. Sunset
2. The Anonymous Girl Writes
3. Formerly Myself
4. Maitreyee
5. Astrid
6. Smiling Dreamer
7. Indiesonglyrics
8. The Small Quiet One
9. Just A Blank Space
10. Rainbow Girl
11. Elsie LMC

Whether I’ve found these blogs yesterday or two years ago, all of them have beautiful writing styles and are unique in how they express themselves.

My Questions for You

1. Have you ever been in love?
2. What’s your favourite instrument and why?
3. What do you admire about yourself?
4. If you could take one lesson you’ve learned from blogging away with you, what would that be?
5. At the moment, what’s the thing you most want to do?

My Best Blog Posts

I critique myself a lot so this will be really difficult.
My Blog in the Real World
I’m Not Scared to Say What my Fears Are
Why I Write How I Do

I hope you enjoy answering those questions and if you don’t know any of the bloggers I’ve listed in my nominations, check them out! You won’t regret it.

Love from Elm 🙂

I’m a Little Bit of a Mess

Elm31 Comments

Hi,
One thing that people start to realise about me very quickly is that I hardly ever do something someone tells me to straight away. It’s taken me months, for example, to be able to understand I need help and to properly implement that, with the encouragement, logic and screaming of my friends. It takes me a while to do absolutely anything because I try and reason why it would be a bad idea but finally, finally I did something.

This is a really quick post to just say, well, sorry for vanishing off the blogosphere for a few days. I know that this is my blog but I care about you guys and so not reading your blogs or not having the motivation to do it has wrecked my mind a little.

Truth be told, I don’t feel great and I’ve been ignoring it, yet again. I’m still unsure as to exactly why; it’s partly stress and partly that overwhelming terror you get when everything’s too much and you feel cold; you can’t breathe from it. I don’t know. I’m sad when there’s no logical reason why I should be.

Last week, I spoke to my Head of Year and cried my eyes out for 20 minutes. I wasted a bunch of tissues, sobbed, shook so hard that I violently panicked and was utterly unable to articulate what was wrong. We eventually came to the conclusion that I was sad, it was okay but that I was thoroughly unused to not coping publically. I’m going to see her this week too; I’m scared because I know I’ll panic and repeat the words “I don’t know,” “I can’t” and “I have no idea” a lot. I don’t like it. Not having a proper channel for my worries is making me skittish.

I hide things. On the surface, I tell people I’m not feeling good, I’m tired and that I’m not okay but I don’t often say why. It’s a coping mechanism because if I start talking, I won’t be able to stop but it’s also because sometimes it’s effort to trawl through my mind’s complicated maze-like thoughts. I never know what I feel or don’t feel and I’m so desperately sad sometimes that I want to scream, so lonely with no explanation that everything feels hazy.

Everything with which I used to gain enjoyment is now less fun; it’s worrying. I still sing, write, blog, talk to people but it doesn’t have the same fire for me. In my mind, I know it’s temporary, that it will pass and I’ll get that spark of life but for now, I don’t feel happy and I don’t feel like I have a purpose with it. It makes me sad as I want to truly love the things I do.

Luckily, I have something now with which to get this out. My head of year isn’t the perfect solution – she’d tell my parents if she started to worry a lot, which she inevitably will. My dad knowing about my fears is okay but with my mum, she treats it like it’s nothing and like it’s normal, like it’s your average teenage phase. Is it? Am I making this all up? Am I just being an overdramatic lazy bitch? I hope not.

I told her about my blog. I felt like I had to: as it’s a huge part of my life, it’s something that will come up in conversation in order to let her properly understand what’s been happening. As well as that, she’s emailed all my teachers to tell them I’m feeling anxious, all the time because as I said to her, “I feel sad every day.” For now, I’m going to talk about the shallower things to her but when I feel a little more comfortable, I may get onto the paranoia, self-hatred, anger and insecurity. That is, if she’ll properly listen and not brush things off – she has never done that, though, so it’ll be okay.

There are still things I’m happy about, like my friends and the laughter that still comes easily. I’m going to write about the open day I went to on Saturday which made me feel more connected to everything. It’s not all ‘doom and gloom’, as my mother likes to say. It’s just that at the moment, I’m trembling, my eyes are watering and I feel freezing.

If this is the first thing you’ve ever read from me, I’m not even going to apologise and say ‘this is not the usual me’. It is the usual me sometimes and that’s alright. To know a person, you have to know all their parts: good, bad and things in between.

Never apologise for feeling how you do and expressing those feelings; I feel more free and liberated. I didn’t plan this and haven’t thought much about what I want to write. I’m writing this at night, meaning that all my filters are down and I can post this tomorrow without feeling intensely guilty. What is there to feel guilty about, though? There isn’t a thing wrong with helping yourself by telling the people who mean the most to you a little of what’s really wrong.

I still don’t know how I properly feel. Sometimes, you don’t have to know. However, I’m on my way to analysing those feelings. Even though my friends forced me into it, going to see my head of year might just be the thing that forces me to acknowledge that I do have feelings and that I should deal with them, rather than pushing them aside and running.

You’re human. A human can only take so much until they break from the strain of trying to keep things together. Breaking is okay and natural; you aren’t pathetic for it. Telling people you’re an unexplained mess is something you can do. You don’t have to have reasons; you just have to feel. Remember that.

From Elm 🙂

My Blog In The Real World

Elm101 Comments

A week before my first exam, I received an email which changed the way I look at my blog and which could lead to something exceptionally exciting. I’ve got permission from the people involved to post about it and so here goes!

This email was from a girl called Silva, who had found my blog whilst looking for ways to procrastinate revision, which I thought was absolutely hilarious. Silva comes from a school in Dorset called Bryanston, an independent school; it also has students who live there in a boarding school setting. In this school, there’s an Equality Society which is pretty much run by her. They discuss and debate issues pertaining to wider problems in society.

Because I have strong views on that which I express through my posts, Silva asked me if I would like to come to their school and speak to the Equality Society about inequalities I face in education as a result of my disability and how I’ve overcome challenges to do with it. She said that it was a “tall offer” and that it may be far-fetched but that she loved my content and thought it was just what they needed.

As I’m an incredibly put together, professional person, naturally I started screaming as soon as I had processed what was happening, which took about 5 minutes. It was 10 o’clock at night and I was so shocked by the email that I couldn’t have replied to it if I had tried; it was only the next day, at school, that I answered. For me, that was more important than revision at that stage. After all, when would this opportunity happen again?

Of course, my first thought was that it was a scam as I was disbelieving that anything so momentous could happen to me. However, I searched up the school, managed to work out how far I lived from it and heavily analysed the email to check for any inconsistencies. After surmising that there was a 99% chance it was legitimate, I began to truly think about whether I wanted to do this. It only took me a day or so to come up with the answer: yes. I did.

Over the next few days, I was still surprised: it may not seem like much but to me, to be contacted on the platform which I love with everything I have, to be asked to talk about something I’m so passionate about and to have my opinions listened to is a dream come true. I know that here, I can make a difference. I started to plan how it would happen, emailing Silva when I could in the mayhem of exam preparation.

Silva gave me her number and after we’d spoken for a while, she asked me if I would like to talk to the Equality Society on the Monday preceding half term. Upon agreeing, we arranged a time and called. It was utterly surreal; I was sitting in my bedroom having a discussion with people I’d never talked to before, about something which was so huge to me.

I answered a few of their questions and it felt wonderful to be able to talk about my feelings. Questions I was asked ranged from how I knew what colour clothing I was putting on in the morning (that has to be one of the best questions) to how I access my work. I had an answer for each and felt almost like a fire was being lit inside me because I felt purposeful, comfortable and most of all? Powerful. One of the things I said was the smallest actions can mean the most or hurt the most and I needed to speak to the people there like I would talk to any other: without patronising, without treating them differently because everyone’s human.

According to Silva, when we spoke afterwards, more than 30 people turned up and were in a small geography classroom, with more arriving as I was speaking. It made me feel so accomplished. Though it was Silva who had advertised the event so brilliantly, it was my words to which they were listening. It’s a foreign feeling that I’ll never get used to because then, I wasn’t just that weird Elm girl. I was somebody who could change the opinions of people I didn’t know, using the only resource I can: my words.

I have barely told anyone about this but I’m still so incredibly excited. The first person to know was my dad who is totally on board with it; sadly, my mum can’t know the true origin of this as I refuse to tell her about my blog. We need to get the logistics sorted but at some point, we can make more sound preparations.

Hopefully this September, I’m going to travel down to Dorset to speak to them. Even some of the staff members know which is mildly terrifying. However, doing this is something which I’ve set my heart on. I want to help; I want to show people that even if disabled people have difficulties, it’s not the end of the world and there are ways to live and be happy.

Not only is this a dream for me but this is also drawing my blog out into the “offline” world. The people at Silva’s school know my real name as they would have to. One wrong word or accidental blogging or real life name reveal would end my anonymity but strangely, I don’t care as much. The fact that I was specifically contacted through my blog, not a VI charity or otherwise, shows how blogging doesn’t just have to be reserved for the online world. I am both my blogging and real-life persona: they aren’t two separate people.

Blogging got me to this stage in my life and will continue to shape how I act, how I feel and what opportunities can be gained. I couldn’t be more thankful for that; instead of being the “visually impaired one”, I want to be the one who can help people. Having a blog has let me be that person.

I’m really, really looking forward to this; it’s possibly the most exciting thing that has ever happened to my blog. Remember that your words can mean something; it’s words that can change people’s minds and let them understand things which they otherwise wouldn’t.

I may not be able to help everyone or do everything I want to do. However, what I can do is worth it. What I can do is help as many people as I can and speak as loudly as I can.

Don’t be afraid of taking new, potentially scary opportunities. It could change your life, or the lives of others, one day.

From Elm 🙂

NO NOT AGAIN!

Elm15 Comments

OKAY. What is this even-

Right. I’m in France as a lot of you know.

I think I’ve mentioned him before, but there was a guy we knew last year that has come to this place, at this time – completely by coincidence. I call him the Farmer.

And yeah. I had a “thing” for him, because I thought that after everything that happened with Birch, I’d live a little.

Don’t get me wrong: Farmer’s great. Funny, etc, and he makes blind jokes (ALWAYS a bonus). But… Well, I got outdone by a girl from… Somewhere.

And I realised – well, I’m bothered, but I’m not THAT bothered. It’s okay, because he’s a bit of a… Flirt, anyway, and it was only a little feeling I have.

But NOW, I HAVE A PROBLEM.

BECAUSE MY REBOUNDING MIND DECIDED-

“Hmm…”
“No, you’re not doing this to me.”
“But all of the boys-”
“No, don’t do that JUST because none of the boys are availible or whatever! That’s not how it works!”
“But she’s nice.”
“Yeah, but do you like her because she’s THERE?”
“No no, she’s, um, nice and stuff and I held her hand earlier when she helped me stand up after we all went to the beach and I kept on holding it and-”
“Ugh, you’re HOPELESS!”
“But are we agreed that she’s really nice and that she probably doesn’t even like girls?”
“FINE! But I still say that you’re creating feelings out of nowhere.”
“Ohhh, bugger off.”

I… I’m screwed.

Let’s call the girl Cassia. She’s 16, from Wales, has a sister of the same name as me… I don’t know! HELP!

I’m attracted to her. WHY? WHY! WHY am I attracted to her?

She’s lovely, though. But like I said in my mind-conversation, do I like her because she’s there or because she’s HER?

Daaaaaamn.

What…?

Okay. I’m going to a foam party later (don’t know what it is) and she’ll be there (along with about a hundred other people). But we’ve arranged to meet (me, her, a girl from Scotland and the friend I’m in france with) at half nine (in 1 and a half hours).

Eek?

From Elm

Okay WHAT

Elm68 Comments

Eh… This isn’t my grand ‘return’.

I need to ask you guys, as my readers and the aliens that crawl across my blog, a question.

(Might take some explanation first)

I read a pitiful amount of blogs today, but it’s a start. I just feel unhappy and panicked. I’m sorry. Looked at my reader and thought, “Oh god, I CAN’T do this, I’ve missed FOUR DAYS! The fuck is wrong with me?”

I feel like I’ve neglected everyone. I haven’t even checked out the blogs I WANTED to check out. I haven’t been checking up on my bloggy friends as much as I should, which is just plain NOT nice. And I have NO excuse. I’ve done fuck all; I don’t even feel like destroying myself like I did on Thursday and Friday; I’m fine. I felt happy yesterday when I went to town with my friends, but now I just feel weird, and empty. But now I’m more okay than I was. So why the hell have I not been reading?

I think I’ve just had enough of, well, everything. I get too panicked and I just think the world is useless sometimes, and when I think about the history test the Tuesday after next I just get UPSET. I don’t know.

But I WANT to post.

I feel guilty, though. I don’t NOT want to read blogs, but I just… Don’t because I have NO energy. That’s not fair. I shouldn’t not read and then write, and expect people to read it, as I haven’t read what THEY wrote.

Does that make sense?

Would it be alright if I posted stuff, without reading, just for a little while? I swear I’ll read more soon. It’s just I have work experience for a week tomorrow and, well, panic and shit like that.

What do you think?

Thanks. I dunno, I just guess I’m very out of sorts. I found a post today that was sad, and I wanted to give advice SO much, but I genuinely couldn’t. Don’t know why. I just feel useless and sick.

Sorry.

Anyway. Advice needed? Though it’s not fair of me to ask that of you, because I haven’t given any to you. That’s why I’m just a little upset/pissed off/unwilling to post.

Life Updates and Being A REAL LIFE TREE

Elm16 Comments

Yesterday’s post was one of the worst ones I’ve ever written, in terms of feeling like utter crap.

Luckily, I’m better now. I think. I’m GETTING better. It was mainly because of my friends, at school, who are amazing and get my mind off things.

And Birch. (Red has started to refer to my various… Loves *vomits* by their tree names which is just so awesome because y’know Elm and shit).

History was well right banter geddit m9? I just said that. I needed the pick-me-up because I had a Chemistry test (which NOBODY told me about, by the way, so I didn’t revise) and I was nearly in tears by the end of it.

There were so many jokes in History, it was unreal. I was miserable to begin with but then I just thought ‘fuck it!’ and DID NOT FLIRT AT ALL HAHAHAHAHAAAA, where did you get that impression from?! Oh my god WHAT THE OSCAR?!

Speaking of that AMAZING catchphrase – at lunch, Wren was… I don’t really know what she was doing. But Red turned round and screamed, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE OSCAR!” I nearly cried. I started screeching – I mean, he’d called someone a Twatmonger before, and he’s becoming Elmish! HE IS!

Anyway – my friend keeps on telling me Birch looks at me in history, like he’s wondering if he likes me? BULLSHIT – ANYWAY!

Hopefully this weekend I’ll be on Skype for the majority of the time, talking to ma festes friend EVA, Odd. I… Think I need to calm. Also, internet friends are amazing.

And practicing for my GCSE music performance SHITE!!!

By the way, you are ALL amazing. Thank you for your advice on my last post – I was in an awful mood and I needed the help. So thank you, again, and I don’t know what I’d do without this blog.

From Elm

Cedar? NOT AGAIN!

Elm1 Comment

HA! Cursed with the curse of the Cedar – damnit!

I can’t explain the situation with Ash at all. I’m sorry. Seriously, I am. I’m breaking about 20 promises if I do. If I’m close to you, I may tell you, but… I don’t know. I’m sorry.

I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.

I tried to ignore Ash in French – I felt so furious that I couldn’t even think. It scared me. And so, the ‘Let’s talk to him to sort this out!’ thought went right out the window. Like I said to my friend Red, I could NEVER speak to him unless I calmed completely down.

This isn’t about Ash, though. Not primarily.

It’s about Cedar – remember him? ARGH!

I share a science class with Red and my friend Odd. You know her – that awesome specimen who wrote a post on this blog?

We were doing revision today, in one of the computer rooms. The seating order went: Odd, me, some random person (no idea who), Red, Cedar’s friend Rowan (tree name because he’s somewhat important) and Cedar himself.

Fuck’s sake. I couldn’t concentrate. It was bullshit. I kept hearing his voice and silently freaking out with a mix of confusion, anger and… Fear? Nah, that’s not right – not fear, just slight alarm I suppose.

At the end of EVERY science lesson – well, nearly every one – we all have a sort of… Routine. I stand up. Odd takes my cane. Cedar comes up, with Rowan and Red (usually). Laughing, I usually find myself next to him, or very near him. Sometimes he ends up taking my cane – it’s not malicious, don’t worry. It’s hilarious. And sometimes we have a tug of war, or I try to get his hands off the damn thing. By grabbing his hands. That seems to happen a hell of a lot, but that’s just my pathetic way of trying to touch him.

Today, we were talking, I don’t remember what about. He was jokingly waving his hand in front of my eyes because I mentioned I had a blind spot (my right eye just for reference). I don’t get offended – god no! Don’t give a shit, to be honest.

All I remember was somebody – Red, perhaps? – insulting Cedar. And I defended him.

And then Rowan, bless his thrice-damned soul, turned to me. “Well done, Elm, defending your lover!”

I shrieked. Apparently it’s an ongoing joke that Cedar has relationships with everyone. There was this one time he pretended to have a relationship with me, then dumped me (jokingly) and Rowan was our relationship “councellor”. That was… Funny, and it was also before I “fancied” him.

It hurt like the damn hells. Literally I felt sick. I laughed it off, though. I always do.

At lunch, I talked to Red. I often do, now – not sure why. He knows everything, and I mean everything. Cedar came up to us at one point. Nearly pissed myself I was so scared. Then, my “friend” Holly joined us.

Holly’s, er, loud. And she makes me act irrationally and like a moron.

“I’m gonna go,” said Cedar a few minutes later. We hadn’t talked much. I wondered why the fuck he came over to us.

“Red, see what I mean?” I muttered. He did, of course.

It makes me upset. Cedar and I barely have anything in common but it’s easy with him. I’m trying to get over Ash, I suppose, but rebounding onto someone else isn’t the answer. It ALWAYS happens, though.

Damn it, Cedar! He drives me round the bloody bend. It’s like mixed signals, but he’s not even giving me that.

Blargh.

I am so immature.

“Yer still in love with ‘im, me ol’ matey-mate?”

Elm19 Comments

KICK. ME. UGH UGH UGH MAN.

Er. This post is about Ash. If you don’t know who Ash is, then just click on ANY post from the Ash tag because CBA to write posts links thingy blargh

Ash got back in contact with me yesterday. Got the shock of my life, actually. Long story short: he was so incredibly stressed about school and the french speaking exam (his one was today) and he didn’t know where to start. And he still thinks we’re really good friends.

And at that message, I realised why I was still in love with him. I’d never stopped. I’d just surpressed the feelings.

I helped him out. Mainly by giving him the draft I learned from so he could get some inspiration – I trust him not to copy it; he’s not that stupid. He seemed so surprised when I said I would help him, and said thank you about a million times.

“It means more than a lot.”

“Don’t worry if you don’t have it the thought is enough to show me what a great friend you are in my time of need.”

“You’re a life saver honestly, you always have been.”

BOOM.

BOOM.

BOOOOOOOOM.

And the Elm fell in love with the Ash. Or rather, she realised she’d never stopped.

A note: the conversations listed above were NOT direct quotes; they were the gist. I will not expose his privacy like that again.

WHAT DO I DO!!

I’m still hyped up over the situation which happened on Saturday so I GUESS I have conflicting feelings?

It’s always been Ash, though. For so, so long. I have had so many memories with him that I will keep with me forever.

It’s damn well unavoidable: I love him and have for a very, very long time. We are SO close, but I still love him. If he ever found out, he’d hate me. He’d think I was fake.

I’m okay with friendship. I’m fine with friendship. But I still love him.

You Are the Best Thing that has Ever Happened To Me

Elm51 Comments

D’AWWW! It’s Elm, being all nice and stuff! I think this day should go in the history books, really.

I’m going to say this outright, because it’s time I did.

Anyone who reads this is wonderful.

Anyone who takes in this blog and gets something out of this – I admire you. I respect you. I want to help anyone, in any way I can, and if my words do that? That’s fantastic, and makes me so happy.

I don’t point out names of those that commented amazing support, but you know who you are and I think you’re all amazing and the best readers – and friends – I could ever ask for. To me, the follower, like and comment count doesn’t matter. What DOES matter is how many people get something out of my blog.

I comment and like people’s posts. It’s not for attention or for people to look at my blog. I honestly, genuinely do it because I WANT to. I WANT to help with my words. I WANT to read about things that will make me laugh, cry, or give advice that may or may not help.

The point of this post is to say thank you. Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for thinking about my blog.

But mostly, thank you for writing such amazing blogs YOURSELF. They get me through the day and give me things to think about.

Sorry this was so sappy. I just needed to say it, because I won’t bore you all with my woeful posts about boring crap – I’ll do that tomorrow.

You are all great and you need to know that. No matter what, no matter WHO you are – you are fantastic. If you’ve written about your struggles, you are brave, and you are willing to talk. Talking is good, because we’ll always be here to listen.

From Elm

What the hell was I expecting anyway? Part 2

Elm18 Comments

So, guys. Things have gone to shit AGAIN – wow, I’m such a drama queen, it’s disgusting. Err, sorry…

It’d probably be smart to read part 1, otherwise you won’t know what the hell I’m blathering on about, and I physically can’t explain the entire situation.

Okay. Cedar. Yeah…

After things went to shit with Ash (nothing’s happened regarding that apart from that he’s kind of ignoring me?), I unconsciously set my hopes on Cedar. That involved, well, testing the waters as it were, to see how I felt towards him.

Ah… Perhaps that wasn’t the smartest of moves? Let’s put it this way: I realised I have bloody goddamn fucking feelings for the arsehole ON TOP of my feelings for Ash, and why the fuck am I such a drama queen selfish attention-hogging needy-

FUCK! Okay, I’m not deleting any of this. I refuse to edit myself.

I thought things were going fantastically – well, as good as it gets in my mind. It was Willow’s birthday today so I was really happy because I love it when my friends have birthdays.

My friend Pine, and HER friend Daisy – alright, Daisy’s not my friend. She knows about both Cedar and Ash, because I was stupid and told her.

I’m not sure when they did this, because I found out about it after lunch; it was Daisy who told me.

Separately, Daisy and Pine had asked Cedar if he fancied me.

What the fuck.

Pine is great. I really like Pine because she’s my oldest school friend. But now? Now I regret thinking I wanted something to happen because well, you should be careful of what you wish for.

Daisy told me that Cedar had said no, but that his face held an expression of “hang on, does she fancy me? Oh!”

It was then that Pine showed up. Daisy immediately asked, “Did you-”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“Uh… No.”

I was silent. Utterly fucking silent. I just stood there, and probably looked so sad, because Daisy said “PINE! You’ve ruined their… Romance!”

“There was no romance,” I snapped. And it is true. There was never anything, never will be. I’m such a fucking idiot.

Pine had to help me into the form room because I have no independence which is kind of pathetic. I remember gripping onto her hand so, so hard; I’ve never really showed how THAT would effect me before and I knew she could tell.

I didn’t get to talk to Pine at all about it, because she had to go to the school hall – not sure why. I told her before she went, “I’m sad.” That’s only really what I could say.

There’s something here I don’t know. I’m missing something; I know it.

First Ash, now Cedar – it’s selfish of me to want a break from this shit, or to have something go right. Yep, selfish. God, this post is a right mess. I’m sorry. I know it’s probably difficult to read.

Fine. When I was ‘testing the waters’ with Cedar, I overly ‘flirted’. The FUCK? I don’t flirt! It was just a…

I misjudged his actions. I thought there might have been hope, but perhaps I was wrong. Sounds familiar, right? Sounds so fucking familiar!

When everything was happening with Ash, I used to regard Cedar as a… Fallback? God, that’s awful. Elm, that’s AWFUL, and disgusting, and terrible.

Now?

I was too late. If I could have ever been early, I mean. I had all my hopes tethered on something Pine heard in engineering, and Cedar probably got over that “maybe” pretty quickly.

Something Daisy said really bothered me: “Well, I’m sure he LIKES you. As a friend. Because Elm, you’re a really nice person.”

That would have been fine, with Ash. Well, no, but I’m already friends with Ash and I know he values me.

With Cedar? Is it selfish to want more than friendship? Urgh, I should be pleased with what I have!

I can’t deal with this stupid immature teenaged love struggles. I feel so petty and childish. I’m not even joking. I don’t even know what I want to happen, or what I’m supposed to do. Or feel, for that matter.

I am so so sorry. Usually, I hate reading these kinds of posts, so I’m sorry if this was a bore or a struggle.

Thank you so much if you read all of that. I just guess I needed to get this off my chest because now I feel hollow.

From Elm