If you haven’t read the post that I wrote yesterday, or you haven’t read the wonderfully inventive title, I went to a party last night. As in, an actual party with alcohol and people getting pissed, singing and dancing. I know – it was a shock to me too.
As I said before, I got incredibly stressed yesterday about my general appearance, which meant that I couldn’t do much work. After standing in my room for a while thinking, my sister yelled from downstairs that she was going to help me get clothes, and do makeup; I don’t know what I would have done without her.
I wore a black skirt, and because I’m very small, it had to be rolled up so I didn’t look like I came from Victorian times. I wore tights beneath it – I think they were black – together with a top of a dark colour; I was never actually told what it was. On top of that was a black cardigan which was open to reveal the top in question. For makeup, I put on some foundation powder, which I’d bought together with a brush on Sunday. I had help with the eyeliner and mascara, because there’s no way I can do that yet on my own because blind. It’s funny because I’m pretending to be knowledgable about this shit when I don’t have a clue.
My sister went off to Winter Wonderland somewhere with her friend, leaving me alone for about an hour before my mum arrived from watching some sport (not that she even likes it; I have no idea why she went). That gave me plenty of time to stress further, and I constantly brushed my hair – it calms me down, what can I say! Other things that I did included brushing my teeth, reading blogs and putting on this really nice perfume I have. It was all a way to get mwh to feel more confident, and I think that it worked.
We drove down, first going to pick my friend Swan up. I felt rather sorry for my mum because she had to drive all that way just to drop me off, and then had to pick me up at midnight. It was freezing, and I felt the wind sweeping past my face as I got out of the car. Once Swan was with us, we drove the 5 minutes to get to Pine’s house.
I’ve known Pine for 5 years, and been to her house quite a few times. There was no feeling of self-consciousness as we said hello and with Swan and her beside me, I felt like I could really do this. I neither felt foreign in my own body, nor felt disgusting. At first, when we were in the girl’s house who was holding the party, it was a little awkward. We stood around, Swan taking over the sound system and putting bee movie memes on, the room slowly filling up with people. When it was just us and a few others, I felt out of place, more or less clinging to Pine and screeching with laughter at Swan’s ‘amazing’ dancing.
Strangely, as more people got there, I started to feel more comfortable. Of course, I felt overwhelmed at first because I knew barely anyone, but Pine helped with that. We were worried that we were going to be horrendously bored, and so we were chatting to each other, muttering that we could survive until half ten. We howled over what messes our love lives had become, having a slight bit of alcohol (which was awful) and attempting to ‘dance’. Swan high-fived a few people in her signature style – AKA smashing her hand into theirs – and laughed like a seagull, and I hugged both her and Pine a lot because I felt unbelievably affectionate.
The party was mostly comprised of girls, and the five boys that were there were all from wildly different social circles. I liked that there was a complete mix of us: at the beginning, groups were totally separated by the school we went to but by the end, everyone had pretty much mingled. The room I was in for the first half of the party was the one with the music, and had a lot of the people from my school in it. They played Fall Out Boy, numerous K-Pop songs, and even a song from Horrible Histories which made me nearly choke with laughter.
What was hilarious was that Pine tried to set me up with someone. I knew that in my heart, I wouldn’t kiss anybody because I’m still much too miserable, but it was funny to go along with it. There was a 5 foot 5 ginger guy there – and I say this because that was the only thing I knew about him before I started talking to him – and Pine set her sights on him for me, shoving me towards him and screaming, very subtly, “ELLMMMM let’s go THIS way! Come on, let’s get a drink – oi STOP running away!” Once I’d casually reminded her I was bisexual – “Y’know, I could technically go for either gender but there are so many girls here that it’s stressful” – she noticed my complimentary comments towards one of the girls there, who was a known lesbian. To be fair, that girl is absolutely lovely (she can do the splits to a terrifying degree; it’s amazing) and her, Swan and I had gone into the corridor and shouted about being not straight before waltzing back into the music room.
Transferring into the living room for the first time was when I properly started to be more social. Along with Pine, I walked in, and had potentially the most awkward encounter of the last month. A rather popular boy who goes to my school was extremely pissed (drunk for any Americans) and approached me.
“Hey you’re Elm, right?”
“Well, I’ve never spoken to you in my life before have I?”
“Nope, I don’t think so.”
“It’s very nice to meet you! We’ve never spoken before…”
“It was lovely to meet you too!”
“Anyway, nice conversation – I’ve got to go – bye!”
After that, I pretty much went purple with embarrassment, whilst Pine sobbed with laughter on the sofa beside me. We stayed in there for a little, and that was when I first spoke to Alex – I’m using his real name because it’s one of the most common names, and could be anyone.
Alex was the “5 foot 5 ginger guy” who Pine had, before, tried to set me up with. After my embarrassing conversation with the other boy, we walked across the room to the sofas, dodging the various people standing around. I didn’t even realise that it was Alex who I was speaking to at first, but as Pine sat next to me and laughed intermittently at me, I started speaking to him. He was on a sofa perpendicular to me, and so I was turned towards him as our conversation progressed, which most likely made me look like an utter creep.
I’d safely say that it was him, Pine and Swan who made my evening for various reasons: Swan was her usual, funny self and I’m so glad she was there; Pine understood me with a single tap on the shoulder and Alex was someone knew, someone who was ‘different’ to the classic partygoer. For one, he didn’t drink at all, and so we were two sober people in a room with either mildly tipsy, or flat-out drunk, people. Because of that, we laughed together, exchanging little comments before we really got talking, and I didn’t feel like a moron when I spoke to him. I sat on the floor at some points, to which he sat “Well, you’re an utter rebel!” and I could have hugged him, because that’s pretty much my catchphrase. Pine kept on nudging me and when we were out of the living room, she murmured, “Get in there eyy!” I laughed so hard that I nearly cried.
For the penultimate time, I went back into the music room to see what cake there was, catching up with Swan as I did so. Another girl, who sits near me in Psychology and got drunk out of her head, was there at certain points throughout the evening. When I went back into the living room she was there, shouting “Elm, I’m sooooo drunk!” and sitting on the floor, waving her hands around.
Pine had disappeared into the other room at that point, and so I was left with people I really didn’t know well, apart from the drunk girl I suppose. Surprisingly, I neither felt panicked nor ill, mainly because I was sitting on a sofa and Alex was there. We spoke even more, just about life: school, how hectic it was, and we stuck together because we didn’t know many people. He’s the type of person who’s friends with everyone, and so it was a shock when he voluntarily came back to sit next to me after being dragged up by a guy who was attempting to hit on him. Hopefully, he enjoyed my company, and wasn’t just being polite.
Highlights of that timeincluded Alex being hit on by my ex-boyfriend of three years ago who broke up with me because he was gay, and even though Alex told him repeatedly that he was straight, he sat on his lap/touched his hair/kept on coming back to say goodbye. I was cackling by that point, trying not to get mascara in my eye, and listening to the antics of the drunk girl. She was alternately on the other side of the room and near me, and once when I sat on the floor she dropped her beer and it went all over my skirt. She apologised about a hundred times, getting incredibly emotional, and then following it up with “Oh I’m so so drunk, Elm!” Pine got very drunk, coming into the living room and giggling constantly whilst staggering. She has a fencing competition today, so I wish her luck.
It wasn’t that I wanted to kiss Alex. If it had happened,I think I would have felt so sick with myself afterwards because I haven’t moved on at all. It was more an idle curiosity, brought on by proximity – we sat on the floor together one time. I kept on getting closer to him, which made me appear as if I was trying to make a move, but it was more that I craved some sort of closeness, friendship or otherwise. I’m not going to beat myself up for it.
I came out publically as bi – not that I’d hidden it, but it’s more on an if you ask you’ll know basis. The drunk girl shouted, “I’m BISEXUAL!”, I responded, “ME TOO,” and we both started screaming. She grabbed my hands and sounded so happy; I don’t know many bi girls in my year and so she and I were speaking about both guys and girls, gender and how being anything is okay AND IT WAS AMAZING. I don’t know if she’ll remember that she told me about a girl who she had a crush on, but I won’t bring it up with her or anyone else in case she didn’t mean to tell me. Alex knew before because we’d had a conversation about sexuality and love: I said I hated some people’s perceptions of sexuality, and he responded with this:
“Really, it’s just not an issue. I’ve never had a problem with people being gay, or anything else, or people being any gender. It doesn’t affect me – it doesn’t make you any different and it could never bother me.” So’ he’s basically my favourite person at the moment. When we had to leave – after Swan had come in to hang out with us, which was great – I gave him a hug. For once, I didn’t have to stand on tiptoes to give someone a proper hug, and I smiled when I said “You’re 5 5, right?” I hugged the drunk girl, plus everyone else, feeling my heart warm up.
All in all, I had a great time. I didn’t speak to many people when you think about it, but the casual conversations I had with so many of them were amazing. I was mostly focused on what was going on with me, and so I only found out about the girl throwing ice everywhere afterwards, and I felt bad when I found that a very popular guy had just got up and left because it wasn’t his kind of party. I would have spoken to him because he’d called my name early on in the evening for an indeterminate reason, but I was much too scared.
We got home at about 1, and I was – still am – exhausted. I got Alex’s number and we’ve been texting – not deep stuff, but still, it’s a new thing for me to just get some random person’s number. I haven’t contributed to the group chat apart from saying thank you to the girl who’s birthday it is, because I still feel a little like the people in the chat wouldn’t talk to me.
Last night, some people saw me for who I really was, outside of school. I shouted, laughed, was awkward at times, but it was all me. Hopefully, people will remember that and hopefully, I can carry on having good nights like that.
Have you got any interesting stories from parties? I hope you enjoyed reading my story-like ramblings!
From Elm 🙂