It’s Prom Today!

Today (although I’m writing it the day before because rebel) is our Year 13 Prom. It’s being held in a quite fancy venue, our year-group – or as many as bought tickets – together for the final time before Results’ Day. I don’t know what to expect but considering that before Year 11 Prom, it was really hectic, I’m guessing it’ll be even more hectic this time.

My dress is a medium blue, with little white and pink flowers on it. After it got adjusted, it fits me really well and I’m happy with how I feel in it. As for makeup and hair, I have no idea what I’ll do – I think I might have my hair down but who knows? I’m attempting to be more relaxed about this. It’s failing.

I can’t help but be a little nervous. Unlike my Year 11 Prom, I’m not getting my hair or makeup professionally done. My friends are helping me with it and I think it’s a testament to how much I utterly love them and how much more I’ve opened up that I trust them enough to help with my appearance. However, I’m still worried. It’s not a reflection on my friends but rather can be explained by my wild insecurities that won’t – excuse my language – fuck off.

Perhaps it’s a bunch of internalisation talking but I know I still look like a child. I don’t want to look like that when I’m at the Prom but at the same time, I still want to look like myself. It really upsets me when people dismiss my appearance and treat me differently, or less seriously, because of it. It makes me feel hideous, the constant belief that I look far too young to be 18, that I look ridiculous, that I’m putting on a show of adulthood when really, I’ll always look fragile and small. This may all seem ridiculous and I’m trying to get rid of the frustrated scream that’s caught inside my throat. Time with friends will help that to diminish.

Before Prom, we’re having a pre-Prom at my friend Swan’s house. Three of us – Swan, someone who I’ve decided to call Owl and I – are getting ready together because having photos with some of our group, then going to school and finally to the venue itself. It’ll give me a chance to calm down, I think, from all the nerves.

I know that I’ll have a wonderful time, surrounded by people I genuinely respect and love. This is the final celebration, if you will, of my secondary education. Or, in less formal terms, a time where I take the piss out of myself and everyone else, dance horribly, stave off mental breakdowns and say a last goodbye to people I won’t see again for ages, or possibly ever.

After Prom, I think that a lot of the year are going into town, potentially going clubbing. I’ve never been clubbing before so it should be interesting at best and disastrous at worst. Me drunk is horrifying, to say the least, and I expect by the time I get back to my friend’s house, I’ll be exhausted. If I do end up wearing heels, I may fall over which would complete the disastrous blind stereotype I’m going for.

It’s just a shame that the majority of my year are still strangers to me. Now, it feels too late to start to get to know those I haven’t known before. Saying that, maybe I can show myself for one final time before everything changes that I can make an impression, that I’m special in a little way, that these 7 years haven’t been for nothing.

I want to do that. I don’t want to be scared. Most of all? Selfishly, perhaps, I want to be beautiful to myself.

Have you had Prom yet? How did it go?

From Elm πŸ™‚

My Body is My Own

One of the only times I truly appreciated myself, how I looked, the way I stood and how a smile felt on my face – was at my Prom in June. That, and when I kissed someone, but the latter was more of an affirmation that I was attractive and not a failure at ‘romance’.

I’m not some great beauty, some kind of princess or queen because if anyone called me that, I’d laugh in their face and ask them to list every positive physical attribute I had, interrupt them halfway through because I was laughing too hard and then refuse to let them continue. Or… Perhaps I’d be so shocked that I’d accidentally hug them. So, that’s not going to happen any time soon.

Even so, I don’t lord myself as someone who’s immensely attractive: I know my flaws, often get insecure about them, but at the end of the day if someone judges me on them, it’s their problem. I learnt today that I didn’t hate my body – not like I thought I would. My flaws, for once, didn’t bother me.

My stepmother bought a bunch of clothes for me today, to prepare for something I’m doing tomorrow which means I won’t be at school. After the disaster of yesterday, where I felt like a puppet because I was made to try on clothes of hers because I had no appropriate ones of my own, I was all set to be furious when I came back from school. I hate it when people buy things for me, especially if I wasn’t told before, because I need to be in control of what I wear and how comfortable I feel in my own skin. Often, I feel as if people control that without realising, and I don’t speak up to stop it.

I was waiting to snap, to feel disgusting like I did yesterday, to want to take every little part of my body and rip it apart. I was expecting to have the world crowd in on me. That time didn’t come.

My stepmother showed me the clothes – it probably helped that we started with shoes and they fit, which meant that my mind immediately quietened because not many shoes fit me that look nice. I laughed, joked around, did stupid poses and barely got annoyed when I couldn’t stand how she wanted me to.

For me, it was a shock. I’m used to criticising myself, to saying “NO – you look awful; no one thinks you look okay and you know you feel bad in your body. Who’d want to appreciate you, seeming as you can’t do it yourself?” I wasn’t angry; in fact, I revelled in knowing I had clothes which I liked. Yes, it would have been better had I bought them myself, but I’m still figuring out what kind of style I like – HA, I’m hopeless with fashion!

Today was a rather steep learning curve for me. I don’t like my body necessarily, but I don’t despise it. What people think of me – whether they want to kiss me or not if I have a certain bloody type of top on – doesn’t matter. If someone truly cares for me, they won’t give a crap what I wear. The age old saying, “It’s what’s on the inside that matters,” really applies here.

You aren’t somehow less for liking to wear different things. Your body is not Unattractive, and only you can have enough faith in yourself to tell yourself that. So many people can tell you you’re beautiful, but if you don’t truly believe that in your heart, you’ll continue to think you’re ugly. I can’t see you, even if you were right in front of me, but bloody anyone can be beautiful to themselves if they believe it. I will never see myself in the mirror, but does that mean I can tell myself I don’t look attrocious? Yes. I can still do it, heedless of the fact I don’t understand what a face truly looks like.

Don’t believe me? One day, when you’re strong enough, when you can, find things about your body you like. List them, without any negative adjectives because realistically it doesn’t matter what you look like. If you feel miserable with your appearance, no amount of makeup oR product can change that. If you hate your body, the only way to improve it is to realise: “I’m not hideous. To myself I’m not, and fuck what other people think.”

I’m nowhere near perfect because I always find ways to critique myself, but I’m working on it. I have over 40 photos of me on my phone right now, which is more than I’ve ever had at once, and I refuse to call myself narcissistic. It’s one step at a time and that one step, today, was feeling happy enough with myself to take control of my body, because it’s mine. It’s not anyone else’s to judge, to own, to comment on: I literally own it, and you own yours. Don’t forget that, when you feel like everything’s getting too much.

From Elm πŸ™‚

That Party Last Night

Heyy!
If you haven’t read the post that I wrote yesterday, or you haven’t read the wonderfully inventive title, I went to a party last night. As in, an actual party with alcohol and people getting pissed, singing and dancing. I know – it was a shock to me too.

As I said before, I got incredibly stressed yesterday about my general appearance, which meant that I couldn’t do much work. After standing in my room for a while thinking, my sister yelled from downstairs that she was going to help me get clothes, and do makeup; I don’t know what I would have done without her.

I wore a black skirt, and because I’m very small, it had to be rolled up so I didn’t look like I came from Victorian times. I wore tights beneath it – I think they were black – together with a top of a dark colour; I was never actually told what it was. On top of that was a black cardigan which was open to reveal the top in question. For makeup, I put on some foundation powder, which I’d bought together with a brush on Sunday. I had help with the eyeliner and mascara, because there’s no way I can do that yet on my own because blind. It’s funny because I’m pretending to be knowledgable about this shit when I don’t have a clue.

My sister went off to Winter Wonderland somewhere with her friend, leaving me alone for about an hour before my mum arrived from watching some sport (not that she even likes it; I have no idea why she went). That gave me plenty of time to stress further, and I constantly brushed my hair – it calms me down, what can I say! Other things that I did included brushing my teeth, reading blogs and putting on this really nice perfume I have. It was all a way to get mwh to feel more confident, and I think that it worked.

We drove down, first going to pick my friend Swan up. I felt rather sorry for my mum because she had to drive all that way just to drop me off, and then had to pick me up at midnight. It was freezing, and I felt the wind sweeping past my face as I got out of the car. Once Swan was with us, we drove the 5 minutes to get to Pine’s house.

I’ve known Pine for 5 years, and been to her house quite a few times. There was no feeling of self-consciousness as we said hello and with Swan and her beside me, I felt like I could really do this. I neither felt foreign in my own body, nor felt disgusting. At first, when we were in the girl’s house who was holding the party, it was a little awkward. We stood around, Swan taking over the sound system and putting bee movie memes on, the room slowly filling up with people. When it was just us and a few others, I felt out of place, more or less clinging to Pine and screeching with laughter at Swan’s ‘amazing’ dancing.

Strangely, as more people got there, I started to feel more comfortable. Of course, I felt overwhelmed at first because I knew barely anyone, but Pine helped with that. We were worried that we were going to be horrendously bored, and so we were chatting to each other, muttering that we could survive until half ten. We howled over what messes our love lives had become, having a slight bit of alcohol (which was awful) and attempting to ‘dance’. Swan high-fived a few people in her signature style – AKA smashing her hand into theirs – and laughed like a seagull, and I hugged both her and Pine a lot because I felt unbelievably affectionate.

The party was mostly comprised of girls, and the five boys that were there were all from wildly different social circles. I liked that there was a complete mix of us: at the beginning, groups were totally separated by the school we went to but by the end, everyone had pretty much mingled. The room I was in for the first half of the party was the one with the music, and had a lot of the people from my school in it. They played Fall Out Boy, numerous K-Pop songs, and even a song from Horrible Histories which made me nearly choke with laughter.

What was hilarious was that Pine tried to set me up with someone. I knew that in my heart, I wouldn’t kiss anybody because I’m still much too miserable, but it was funny to go along with it. There was a 5 foot 5 ginger guy there – and I say this because that was the only thing I knew about him before I started talking to him – and Pine set her sights on him for me, shoving me towards him and screaming, very subtly, “ELLMMMM let’s go THIS way! Come on, let’s get a drink – oi STOP running away!” Once I’d casually reminded her I was bisexual – “Y’know, I could technically go for either gender but there are so many girls here that it’s stressful” – she noticed my complimentary comments towards one of the girls there, who was a known lesbian. To be fair, that girl is absolutely lovely (she can do the splits to a terrifying degree; it’s amazing) and her, Swan and I had gone into the corridor and shouted about being not straight before waltzing back into the music room.

Transferring into the living room for the first time was when I properly started to be more social. Along with Pine, I walked in, and had potentially the most awkward encounter of the last month. A rather popular boy who goes to my school was extremely pissed (drunk for any Americans) and approached me.
“Hey you’re Elm, right?”
“Yahh, hey!”
“Well, I’ve never spoken to you in my life before have I?”
“Nope, I don’t think so.”
“It’s very nice to meet you! We’ve never spoken before…”
“It was lovely to meet you too!”
“Anyway, nice conversation – I’ve got to go – bye!”
“Errr… Bye?”

After that, I pretty much went purple with embarrassment, whilst Pine sobbed with laughter on the sofa beside me. We stayed in there for a little, and that was when I first spoke to Alex – I’m using his real name because it’s one of the most common names, and could be anyone.

Alex was the “5 foot 5 ginger guy” who Pine had, before, tried to set me up with. After my embarrassing conversation with the other boy, we walked across the room to the sofas, dodging the various people standing around. I didn’t even realise that it was Alex who I was speaking to at first, but as Pine sat next to me and laughed intermittently at me, I started speaking to him. He was on a sofa perpendicular to me, and so I was turned towards him as our conversation progressed, which most likely made me look like an utter creep.

I’d safely say that it was him, Pine and Swan who made my evening for various reasons: Swan was her usual, funny self and I’m so glad she was there; Pine understood me with a single tap on the shoulder and Alex was someone knew, someone who was ‘different’ to the classic partygoer. For one, he didn’t drink at all, and so we were two sober people in a room with either mildly tipsy, or flat-out drunk, people. Because of that, we laughed together, exchanging little comments before we really got talking, and I didn’t feel like a moron when I spoke to him. I sat on the floor at some points, to which he sat “Well, you’re an utter rebel!” and I could have hugged him, because that’s pretty much my catchphrase. Pine kept on nudging me and when we were out of the living room, she murmured, “Get in there eyy!” I laughed so hard that I nearly cried.

For the penultimate time, I went back into the music room to see what cake there was, catching up with Swan as I did so. Another girl, who sits near me in Psychology and got drunk out of her head, was there at certain points throughout the evening. When I went back into the living room she was there, shouting “Elm, I’m sooooo drunk!” and sitting on the floor, waving her hands around.

Pine had disappeared into the other room at that point, and so I was left with people I really didn’t know well, apart from the drunk girl I suppose. Surprisingly, I neither felt panicked nor ill, mainly because I was sitting on a sofa and Alex was there. We spoke even more, just about life: school, how hectic it was, and we stuck together because we didn’t know many people. He’s the type of person who’s friends with everyone, and so it was a shock when he voluntarily came back to sit next to me after being dragged up by a guy who was attempting to hit on him. Hopefully, he enjoyed my company, and wasn’t just being polite.

Highlights of that timeincluded Alex being hit on by my ex-boyfriend of three years ago who broke up with me because he was gay, and even though Alex told him repeatedly that he was straight, he sat on his lap/touched his hair/kept on coming back to say goodbye. I was cackling by that point, trying not to get mascara in my eye, and listening to the antics of the drunk girl. She was alternately on the other side of the room and near me, and once when I sat on the floor she dropped her beer and it went all over my skirt. She apologised about a hundred times, getting incredibly emotional, and then following it up with “Oh I’m so so drunk, Elm!” Pine got very drunk, coming into the living room and giggling constantly whilst staggering. She has a fencing competition today, so I wish her luck.

It wasn’t that I wanted to kiss Alex. If it had happened,I think I would have felt so sick with myself afterwards because I haven’t moved on at all. It was more an idle curiosity, brought on by proximity – we sat on the floor together one time. I kept on getting closer to him, which made me appear as if I was trying to make a move, but it was more that I craved some sort of closeness, friendship or otherwise. I’m not going to beat myself up for it.

I came out publically as bi – not that I’d hidden it, but it’s more on an if you ask you’ll know basis. The drunk girl shouted, “I’m BISEXUAL!”, I responded, “ME TOO,” and we both started screaming. She grabbed my hands and sounded so happy; I don’t know many bi girls in my year and so she and I were speaking about both guys and girls, gender and how being anything is okay AND IT WAS AMAZING. I don’t know if she’ll remember that she told me about a girl who she had a crush on, but I won’t bring it up with her or anyone else in case she didn’t mean to tell me. Alex knew before because we’d had a conversation about sexuality and love: I said I hated some people’s perceptions of sexuality, and he responded with this:
“Really, it’s just not an issue. I’ve never had a problem with people being gay, or anything else, or people being any gender. It doesn’t affect me – it doesn’t make you any different and it could never bother me.” So’ he’s basically my favourite person at the moment. When we had to leave – after Swan had come in to hang out with us, which was great – I gave him a hug. For once, I didn’t have to stand on tiptoes to give someone a proper hug, and I smiled when I said “You’re 5 5, right?” I hugged the drunk girl, plus everyone else, feeling my heart warm up.

All in all, I had a great time. I didn’t speak to many people when you think about it, but the casual conversations I had with so many of them were amazing. I was mostly focused on what was going on with me, and so I only found out about the girl throwing ice everywhere afterwards, and I felt bad when I found that a very popular guy had just got up and left because it wasn’t his kind of party. I would have spoken to him because he’d called my name early on in the evening for an indeterminate reason, but I was much too scared.

We got home at about 1, and I was – still am – exhausted. I got Alex’s number and we’ve been texting – not deep stuff, but still, it’s a new thing for me to just get some random person’s number. I haven’t contributed to the group chat apart from saying thank you to the girl who’s birthday it is, because I still feel a little like the people in the chat wouldn’t talk to me.

Last night, some people saw me for who I really was, outside of school. I shouted, laughed, was awkward at times, but it was all me. Hopefully, people will remember that and hopefully, I can carry on having good nights like that.

Have you got any interesting stories from parties? I hope you enjoyed reading my story-like ramblings!

From Elm πŸ™‚

I’m Being Sociable?

Tonight, I’m going to a real, proper, genuine… Party.

I know. The thought of me at a party, surrounded by drunk people dancing, makes me laugh so hard that I can barely speak. To my shock, it’s actually happening. A girl who I don’t know that well, but who I spoke to right at the beginning of the year, invited me to her birthday party, which almost shocked me into the next decade. Because, well, I never get invited to those types of parties.

Really, I’m just assuming that it’ll be a party with alcohol, and loud music, and all that. The girl who’s party it is is lovely, but I don’t know her “character” – so she could be throwing a quiet kind of gathering, or a party like Ivy’s last year. AKA alcohol +dancing +interesting situations; the only other party I’ve been to like that is Ivy’s. Do you see my slight dilemma?

I’m going to Pine’s beforehand for a few minutes, so that her parents can drop us off. Swan will be coming too, but apart from that, I don’t know many people there. It’s the case of “Knowing” them but not knowing them; I know their names but not who they really are. I’m pretty much going to be glued to Pine and Swan all evening, which is irritating because I hate being dependent on people. I couldn’t just go off on my own because I’m blind, could get lost, and I’d be too nervous if I was surrounded by potentially unreliable people who I don’t know.

I’ve decided, as usual, to stress myself out for various reasons. If you know the slightest thing about me, it’s that I’m prone to stressing and if there’s nothing to stress about, then I create a reason. You know the song perfectly? Oh, but what if you screw up when singing? You know how to cook this very basic thing? But what if the oven breaks, or you drop something?!

Being insecure about my body is a special enemy of mine. That means that I have no idea what the hell I’m wearing, because I don’t know what type of atmosphere it’ll be, and what other people would be wearing. Sticking out is terrifying to me in this situation, and I feel too awkward to ask various other people “Hi i’m a fashion disaster – what’re you wearing to the party?” I know that other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter, but this is the first time I’ve been invited to a party with a bunch of people I don’t know, by a girl who isn’t my close friend. She was the first new girl we spoke to before the actual school year started and I think that stuck with her – not to mention throughout the last two months, I’ve had nice conversations with her. It still surprised me, though.

I’m going to enlist my sister in helping me, because she’s back from university. In fact, she offered; she saw that I was getting stressed when I went up to her room and talked to her, and said to me: “Look Elm, it’s okay. I’ll help you, and you won’t fuck this up – you couldn’t.” My sister has gone to so many parties, and is the opposite to me in that she can get out there, wear whatever, and outwardly appear confident. She’ll help with makeup too, because I’m literally unable to apply anything because I’m worried I’ll do it wrong and can’t see myself to check.

I’m also worried that I’ll act stupidly. If there’s alcohol, I don’t really want to get drunk because I hate not being in control, but I may have some. I don’t know. I’m trying not to overthink this or plan it too much in my head, because it’s just a party. It’s still a novelty to even be invited to one by someone like her: someone so nice, who doesn’t know much about me but who’s trying.

Oh, you know what? I’m just going to ‘wing it’, as they say. Recently my mental health has been abismal and I’m not expecting this to fix anything, but it can disarract me. Distraction iso’t the best thing to do but I’ve been constantly feeling bad for the last month with very little break, so I almost think I deserve to forget about shit. Obviously, I’ll still get sad, but having fun will lessen the hurt a little.

What I’m most looking forward to is meeting new people. When I want to be, I can be sociable, and the thought of new people really getting to know me makes me happy. I’ll try not to worry about how I speak, how I look, or if people will think I’m stupid. I’m worried that I just won’t be able to talk to anyone because they’ll all know each other, but I’ll be okay.

I’m just going to enjoy myself, whatever happens. There’s no point to existing if you can’t live a little. I’m still sad but for one night I will be happy and maybe that one night will turn into every night, one day.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Halloween make up look

Hello everyone,

Just before i start this the writer from the blog milalor writing this post! Don’t worry i haven’t hacked this account or any thing like that. I actually asked Elm if it would be okay for me to do a guest post! So here it is. Don’t forget to like and follow elms blog!!

So as on of my hobbies is all things to do with beauty i wanted to type a post related to this. However with halloween twist! So this post is a halloween make up look, perfect for any halloween party you could be attending.

For this look you are going to need:

  • Black eye shadow.
  • Fake blood (obviously!!!)
  • Black/brown eyeshadow
  • red eyeshadow
  • white face paint
  • a sponge applicator
  • A attachable zip, bye this i mean a zip that parts down the middle. You can find these down a halloween themed aisle in your supermarket i actually got my’n from poundland!
  • Some skin safe glue to apply this with.
  • Make up brushes
  • This one is optional but you could add some hair chalk for  a little extra wow!

Okay so that is what you need and this is what you need to do to create the look:

  1. Before you start you want to make where the zip is going to go on your face.  Personally i would recommend that you put it on the top of your nose and have it closed at the top and have it open as you have it comping towards your mouth. If your zip is to long then you can cut the ends of. But DON’T stick the zip down yet as you need to add everything else. Just mark where it will go.
  2. Now your can start by making it look all disgusting! What you will need to do is basically in the space you have cover it in black/red eye shadow and fake blood. Don’t worry though i will take you through this step by step…
  3. Take a eye shadow brush and inside your markings cover it in black eye shadow if you like you could blend in a bit of eye liner in there as well just to give it some more depth.
  4. Then on another brush take your fake blood and dab it all over the black eye shadow. You should start to see it all comping together at this point…
  5. If you want you can then blend the blood and eye shadow a bit more, and add some more black or red eyeshadow if you like.
  6. Now the inside is all done you can stick on your zip.
  7. On the rest of your face you can cover it in white face paint to give you a dead look! Also if you want you can take your black eye shadow and put it in your eye brows.
  8. Then to finish of the look take your red eye shadow and brush it along your cheeks just slightly to make you look like the scariest character out of the scariest horror film!!

Then if you want you can put in your hair chalk and all that sort of stuff.

I hope you all enjoyed this little blog. And to get a picture of the look i am trying to describe just search on google ‘halloween zip look’.  But here is a you tube video i followed when i created this look.

I hope you all enjoyed reading!!

bye for now,

Milalor (and elm)xxxx

Holidays Are Actually Stressful

You know what this season is? Summer.

Yes, summer. Where you’re supposed to RELAX. Key word: supposed. Because guess what I’ve done? I’ve started to mildly stress about my holiday to Italy, which starts on Thursday.

There has to be an emphasis on mildly. I’m not as bad as I used to be in terms of stress, but it is still there. I’ve found the most ridiculous things to stress about, as well. This is a time to have fun and be happy with one of my best friends ever, Robin, and catch up on six months of gossip – er, I mean, events that have happened in our lives. I have a lot to update her on, but that’s a story for another time.

Because I’m a complete conformist stereotzpe (psh, where’s the rebel gone in me?) I wanted to buy a bikini for this holiday. I’ve never worn one before, because I’ve never seen the purpose, and even though I am somewhat self-conscious about my body, I thought I’d give it a go. There’s no time like the present, after all, and I’m going to Italy to get new experiences, and to just be free.

The only issue was actually buying the damned thing. My mum and I went to our local shoping centre, and looked through about five shops. To put it bluntly, I’m a size 6, and they literally had none in my size. Only one shop sold them the size that would fit, and you had to order it online. As you can imagine, I got a tad bit upset (and stressed), but I’ve got much better at not showing it and I only once snapped “Yeah, well that’s fucking great isn’t it?” Also, I only went into self-hating “why don’t you just put on more weight you’re awful” mode ONCE! I’m vaguely proud of myself?

All of this worrying about my body is irritating me. If people aren’t happy with how I look, then to be honest they can actually bugger off: I feel insecure as it is, not being able to see myself (oh here we go aggg. As a result, I HAVE to rely on other people to tell me if I look good. Luckily, it’s Robin and her family, who I’ve known for 5 years, so I know they would.

After we got back from shopping, my mum ordered a bikini online (no idea what it looks like). It should hopefully arrive tomorrow, and I’ll see if it fits then, but I have this constant worry that it won’t and I’ll look like a complete moron. Ahh, I’ll just see how it goes: there’s no use worrying about it now, and I think I just need to relax before my holiday. HA!

This is most likely oversharing, but it’s got to the point where I trust you with this kind of thing. I really don’t like the hair on my legs: it’s blonde and there isn’t much of it, but I can feel it. Because it’s not very visible, I haven’t needed to shave, wax or anything which kind of makes me feel like a gross outcast? Anyway, my mum is addiment that I don’t remove the hair because otherwise, it’ll “grow back a lot more” in her words, but I’m worried about what I should do. I might ask my stepmother for help if I see her before I go, actually.

I STILL haven’t done much holiday homework. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to do it ON holiday because I stupidly procrastinated. The main thing I’m worp ied about is, surprisingly, the English, but I think Robin can help me out because she’s insanely intelligent. Let’s hope I don’t leave it to the last minute.

Tomorrow, and possibly the day after before Robin comes, I’ll be writing and scheduling posts that will be published in the time I go to Italy. Who knows – I may get a chance to po still in Italy, like I did in France last year. If there are funny or embarrassing stories, I’ll definitely let you guys know, because I’ll NEED to write about them.

Thinking about that, does Robin know I have a blog? I don’t actually know. Amid most likely hours of conversation about what’s been happening with us, I’ll drop a mention of Elm.

To summarise, holidays CAN be stressful, especially when you’re me and find it somehow amusing to find many things to worry about. I still have to buy suncream, aftersun and various other items like that.

I’m worrying about not talking to friends, especially to you bloggers. I’ve not been active in the community much recently, which makes me sad – sorry! It’ll be okay though. I’ll also miss my real life friends like Odd, Wren, Red and Willow, but I should be able to speak to them all at some point.

OMG Elm, just enjoy your holiday! ARGH!!! (Sorry about that)

I’m obviously not going until Thursday, but I wanted to update you guys on how I’m doing. Again, I don’t know how much I’ll be able to write, so I won’t give an exact estimation.

You guys doing anything interesting over the holidays?

From Elm πŸ™‚

I Appear to Have Transformed

If you’d have told me, a year ago, that I was going to willingly put on makeup before going out, I would have laughed in your face and asked if you were okay.

Now, as I’m about to take some foundation out of my bag, I’m wondering what changed. It’s only been in the last… Two weeks that I’ve fully wanted to put makeup on, but why? Does it make me feel more confident?

The answer is no. It doesn’t. Some people feel like makeup is a mask, others an art, and still others a way to express themselves. Me? I just think it’s a thing that I do, and I’m trying to pinpoint why I sort of like it now.

I used to hate it. I used to think it was pointless and that putting it on would make me somehow fake. Other girls would wear it, every day, and I’d consider it weird and think, “That’s not me!” I’ve decided that thinking that is kind of judgemental and that I should “embrace it” and be comfortable with wearing it, for lack of a better word.

Ever since one day, when my friend Ivy and I went to a town near me and I put it on, I’ve felt like I could wear makeup without being judged. I could wear it without judging myself, or calling myself stupid, or any other negative adjective.

After my Prom, I’ve been thinking that wearing makeup isn’t such a bad idea. I won’t wear it every day – only on days where I go outside with friends – and I don’t think it’s to fit in. I know that my friends don’t care, and no one else should either. It’s about me, and how I feel when I wear it. I don’t feel more confident, or anything like that; I just feel like it’s an extra, optional feature that I could put on if I wanted to.

I do want to, and I’m happy with that. Sometimes, changes in myself scare me, and I hate them. Unlike previously, I haven’t had an identity crisis; I’ve accepted this for how it is: just another part of me that’s slowly growing. To let it grow is totally fine, because people change.

Thinking that putting on makeup “isn’t me” is ridiculous. Wondering if my friends will think I’m fake is also pointless, because they won’t. It’s OKAY to wear makeup, Elm! It’s. more than okay, because you’re putting yourself out there a little. I’m going to seize this attitude which I have now and use it every day, if I can, because I need to feel positive.

Makeup doesn’t make me more of a girl. It doesn’t make me “stereotypical”, or a sheep for following the crowd. It doesn’t make me who I am, because I was already that – with or without it.

Do you guys wear makeup – no matter what gender you are?

You know what? I feel powerful.

From Elm πŸ™‚

My Prom Night!

Hellooo! Here’s the update that I promised yesterday. It’s a long post – not because something HUGE happened, but just because I like to write a lot.

I’m going to run through what happened, start to end, and then explain my thoughts and feelings (if I haven’t already within the post). Just to say, I DIDN’T go to the afterparty after all, and I’ll explain why in a bit.

First of all, I got my hair and makeup done. It was at this adorable little place in the town next to mine, and the ladies who made me up were so lovely. I kept on making jokes about how inexperienced I was at even doing makeup, whenever they wanted to know what kind of eyeshadow I preferred. I also had my nails done (they used an awesome UV lamp to dry them which was about my favourite part), and also my eyebrows waxed which really didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Better than getting it threaded, because apparently that hurts to hell.

I’ll give you a little description of what I looked like, as I can’t show a picture (because anonymity). My hair was curled so that it fell in waves, with two plaits secured at the back of my head with pins. Some hair was brought forward, so that it hung over my shoulders, and the rest of my hair fell down my back. My nails were sort of a red colour and were sparkling/glittering, and they matched my dress. Getting it all done made me feel amazing, like I was properly beautiful and that I didn’t have to be ashamed of anything. I remember walking out of the place, into the slight drizzle and just feeling powerful, floaty and different.

After that, I went home, put my dress on and went to Red’s house. I was constantly paranoid that my hair would be ruined, as it was raining (love you too, England) and that we would be late (because of traffic). Red’s phone’s buggered so I couldn’t text him to tell him I’d be slightly late. We eventually arrived, and when I opened the door the reaction from Red’s mum made me grin like a moron because she was the first person, apart from my parents, that have seen me in the flesh with my dress on.

Because my mum is obsessed with the idea of me having a “date” (even though he and I went as friends), they took about a million photos. I had to perfect my smile, which I STILL can’t do because it either looks fake or like I’m in pain. Oh well! It was really nice to just be standing there having your photo taken – plus, Red gave me the most adorable corsage (which I then didn’t wear at prom itself because I’m a dick) but I loved it and it matched my dress and ahh!

Luckily, I hadn’t changed my mind at the last minute and gone to Holly’s thing, so Red and I were driven to Pine’s house. Thank god for that, because I had so much fun. I don’t often involve myself in that group, but I’m going to next year because they are so so lovely. Daisy was there – a girl I used to hate – but also Cedar… Yeah, the Cedar I used to have a huge crush on, who now very much fancies Pine. Whoops.

In the process of staying at Pine’s, I managed to smash a really nice champagne glass (thanks Red), nearly fall over in my heels, almost forget my bag and then have a tiny crush on Cedar once more. He kept on moving closer to me on the sofa, but I know that was because he wanted to move closer to the others. Ehh well; I still had such fun because I laughed insanely when we had to take pictures, and just at the banter we had.

We went to Prom in a camper van, which was fucking awesome. It didn’t have any seat belts, so me, Daisy and another girl were on a long seat, gripping onto each other, and Pine and our other friend were on the floor (the boys went in a separate car). There was a lot of screaming and laughter, but my favourite part of the journey was when Daisy and I spoke. She and I have had our ups and downs but to be honest, I think she’s really awesome. She’s been there for people so much, and when we were talking, she said that I was really kind and that I always tried to be there for everyone. That made me unbelievably emotional, because I just want to leave year 11 on a high point with as many people as possible.

The Prom itself was at a hotel. It was drizzling again, and somewhat cold; after a horrendously long queue to get in, we got out of the van (and I nearly tripped over Daisy’s dress), stood around in the rain and then finally got into the building itself. Walking past teachers, whilst they compliment you on your outfit and you’re surrounding by the chatter and laughter of people in your year was the best feeling; it made me feel invincible. Though I still had trouble walking in my heels, at least I didn’t fall over.

After that, the events become more hazy. The room in which the Prom was being held was small compared to the size of our year, with a carpetted floor and food outside (it was so stressful trying to get said food, and we ended up jumping the queue to be next to Red). There was loud music – which, coupled with the din of people yelling and exclaiming over dresses and clothes – made it so bloody difficult to hear myself, or anyone around me.

Highlights of the evening include:
Wren running up to me and attacking me with a huge hug whilst we both screamed about our dresses
Going to a photobooth with Pine and her group
Going to the same photobooth and getting pictures with Wren (I don’t know what I’d do without her; she makes my day every day).
Getting photos with Wren and Red, where we had stupid props on and looked so moronic that it was hilarious
Dancing with Odd where they span me round and we both went crazy
Standing outside when I needed fresh air, and feeling the wind on my face whilst people laughed around me

It came to my attention, quite horribly and unexpectedly throughout the night, that I really – and I mean REALLY – wanted to get with someone. Because I’m insane and I like getting the piss taken out of me by my real life friends, it’s the guy I talked about in this post so if you haven’t read that, you should (she says, self-promoting like a pro). It came as a horrifying realisation: I’ve always had a slight “fascination” with Sycamore, as he’s always been so kind but also, he’s in a different group to me. I don’t know how to explain it. There was me, pissed off and frustrated because I KNEW nothing would happen: I didn’t see him all night, and I knew he wasn’t going to the afterparty. In addition to that, Prom’s not really the place where you “hook up” with someone as I expected it to be just hanging out with friends, rather than kissing people. I just wanted to kiss him, to know what it was like, and to prove myself I COULD. Is that fucked up?

The most emotional part of the evening was when I said goodbye to Cedar. He was also someone who I half wanted to have something with, and though I didn’t do anything with him, he found me at the end of the night. For a few minutes, we had a lovely conversation that ended with this:
C: Okay Elm… I have to go now.
E: Ehhh okay, see ya!
C: So, have a nice life.
E: Eyy c’mon, give me a hug.
So we hug for about 30 seconds, with me just breathing and trying my best not to cry because as much as I don’t have feelings for him, I care about him so much. He trusted me with how shit he felt about the Pine situation and as we hugged, I was pretty sure he was remembering that. AHHH I still feel emotional.

I spoke to Willow loads as well throughout the night. We were standing outside the main room, hugging like crazy and just holding each other and talking. I will never, ever forget about her because she’s so fab; we just wandered around at one point and I told her about the Sycamore situation (that has a nice ring to it) so that she’d understand how frustrated I was. ALSO, I’ve been screaming for the past 12 hours because the person she’s fancied for ages and her kissed and I won’t say who that is because privacy, but it’s so so lovely and I’m so happy for her because she deserves it! She and I spoke on the phone about it, amidst me squealing about how adorable it was.

When Prom was ending, I felt even more emotional. There was elation, because I’d spent time with friends and had the best time, but also a slight disappointment because of all the things I didn’t do. I won’t dwell on that, though; I still have time to do whatever I want. We went back to Pine’s house, dropping Red off on the way, and I was so incredibly tired that I could barely move. My feet were aching like hell because of the heels, and I nearly fell on Red at one point because I could barely stand upright.

Pine and I didn’t go to the afterparty, as I was so tired. In a way, it was lucky we were both not there, as it got shut down by the police at 2 which kind of makes me laugh, though it shouldn’t. Because of that, I stayed over at hers and we talked for about an hour before going to sleep. It was about everything: Willow (because I shrieked when I found out about her romantic moment), people, how we’ve changed, life and pretty much everything else. As I did with Willow and Wren, I told her about Sycamore and she was totally fine with it, and even said she’d organise something in the summer where we could all hang out. I’m so glad I have Pine still here, because she’s great.

All in all, I had a brilliant night. Spending time with friends, especially Odd, Red and Wren, made my entire week. I won’t be forgetting about this in a hurry, and I’ll always remember the crowds, the loud music and how I just felt included.

So many people complimented me on my dress, which made me feel great because I’d put effort in. Maybe I wasn’t the most stunning, but I was pretty enough for me, and pretty enough for me to feel like I really was. According to loads of other people, everyone’s dresses were gorgeous (Willow’s, Wren’s, EVERYONE’s) and it was so nice to see that people were happy when others told them, “You look so beautiful!”

I may not have kissed anyone last night, but that comes second to having a wonderful time. I had one, but happiness doesn’t mean having both; it means having enough of one to feel like you can do anything.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Today’s The Day!

Not going to lie, I’m very mildly terrified, because today is Prom. As in TODAY. WHAT. THE HELL.

It feels like I’ve been preparing for this for so long, and I’m worried it won’t live up to expectations. To be honest, I think I’ll just wing it – because I’m nervous, I think I’ll run through the plan.

I’m going to get my makeup, hair and eyebrows done at 2. HELP!!! I don’t know what I’m doing. On Monday, I got my dress properly adjusted so that it ACTUALLY fits, which made me feel great. Trust me: I never get fully made up, so this will be a weird first for me.

Red and I agreed to go with each other, as friends, over a year ago. That’s still going on, so I’m going to his house at about 5:30. After that, and after his mum and mine take about a billion pictures, we’re going to Pine’s house (my oldest friend from secondary school) for a sort of pre-prom.

Here’s where it gets complicated. Originally, I was going to go to my friend Holly’s. My entire friendship group’s going there, but I decided to go to Pine’s because Red and I both just wanted to. Pine’s always been there, and I am SO grateful to her for everything she’s done. I feel unbelievably guilty for just abandoning my group, and I love them so much; I don’t want them to think that I hate them because that’s as far from the truth as you can get.

I’m getting even more nervous now, but a friend of mine – S – said I’d be totally fine so I’ll TRY and believe them. Breathe, Elm, breathe!

After the Prom, I’ve roped myself into going to an afterparty. WHATTTTTT!!! I was going to go to Holly’s, but I decided not to because when will I ever get the chance to go to a proper party again? It’s undoubtable that there will be drugs and insane amounts of drinking, but I’m okay with that.

There’s just one minor, tiny, TOTALLY INSIGNIFICANT issue. It’s hosted by Ash and one of his friends. The Ash. The fuck am I doing? He said it was totally fine that I could come, but still, I’m SO incredibly scared because:
1. It’s Ash.
2. I hate drugs.
3. I’m scared Pine will abandon me (I doubt she will).
4. It’s my first REAL party after Ivy’s birthday one.

When it comes to things like this, I’m a total disaster. Today, though, I’m just going to LIVE my life and to hell with the consequences. It’s rare that I let myself go, let all my inhibitions fly away, because I’m scared of losing control.

If I “get with” someone, that’s okay. Now’s a good enough time to do it, because it’s Prom and I’ll actually feel confident. Who knows what’ll happen? All I know is that tomorrow, there will be a long post, detailing exactly what went on the night before.

Elm, at a party? HAHAHAA! Elm, kissing random people and not feeling miserable afterwards? Woah, holy shit! I’m telling myself it’s not wrong to do that, because I won’t be playing with people’s emotions and it’s fine. I can do this.

Although I’m nervous that my dress will look terrible, my makeup will go wrong or my hair will look like a train wreck, I’m just going to enjoy myself. Maybe it won’t live up to how I wanted, but I’m going to get as much out of this day as I possibly can. Why not? I’ll be with my friends, and with people I can get to know; I’ll be free to actually show my year what kind of a person I am.

I want them to see me, and I want myself to truly appreciate who I am. This is long overdue, and now’s the time to do what Birch always said: live.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Physical Things

This post has no direction, but that’s the point. I want to get my thoughts out.

Right. Let’s talk about my body – but not the classic beauty. Something… More than that.

I always wonder if I’m attractive. Not an angry wonder – I just get curious. Am I pretty? Do people look at me and go, “Damn, that girl is great.” Hot. Attractive. Whatever word you want to use.

I almost describe it as appealing. Appealing to people, I suppose, in a romantic sense – but not because I WANT to be involved with anyone romantically right now. I’m still unable to think of anyone like that without feeling sad, because things are still confusing when it comes to that and will be for a long time. It’s just… I wonder.

I’m really small. I look like a 12-year-old on the best of days, and I KNOW it. Whenever I look my age, people notice – “Elm! You look grown up today!” and I suppose that makes me feel like a baby. Like I can’t look 16 and when I do, people think I look older. HAH.

I went shopping with my mum today, for shoes for prom. Eventually, we bought them, but in the process I started to feel awful. I WANTED to wear heels, because got I’m not being this short for Prom. Heels that are GOOD – heels that make ME feel not. childish. I got frustrated.

When, for instance, my mum wants to straighten my hair or says I should wash my face, I feel a bit sick. Not because I feel UGLY, but because I get this disgusted feeling. Like I’m a little child, because I can’t seem to get appearances right. I feel like people think I’m cute, not pretty, not BEAUTIFUL. What do I want to feel like?

This might be oversharing, but I suppose I need to say this because I’m insecure and I feel too little and too tiny to be taken seriously. And. anyway, people should be able to talk about their body.

My breasts are fucking tiny. It makes me feel upset, even though I know it doesn’t matter. I just… Whenever I want to talk to someone about how irritated I feel about them, I make a joke out of it. “HAHAHA well, least you HAVE boobs! I look like a surfboard.” I shouldn’t do it, but sometimes I just feel stupid and little.

I’d feel too nervous to go to a party, because I’d be scared people would look at me – short, hardly any makeup, bullshit fashion sense and go, “She’s not worth my time. She’s not pretty.” I don’t want anyone to “get with” me because I’m not over Rapunzel and I’m confused and shit. But the fact that someone could POTENTIALLY dismiss me because of how I am, how I look, makes me sad.

Is that how it would be? I don’t know.

If I put on clothes, I wonder, “Will people take me seriously in this?” and I hate it when I think the answer is “no”.

Because who knows? They might. I need to take the chance, and dress how I like without thinking I’m a little baby tiny child. I CAN’T think that.

I need to feel positive. If you feel insecure, like I sometimes do, just remember that it’s YOUR body. A lot of people want to feel like they could catch someone’s eye, but it’s up to YOU to be confident enough to realise:

Yeah, I CAN do this. I’m not too short or too tall, too thin, too ANYTHING. I’m me and whatever size my body parts are, it’s fine.

So I’m going out tonight, and I won’t think about how short or unattractive I think I am.

From Elm πŸ™‚