ZZZZZZ ZZZZZ and Pretending to Do Exercise

So, a LOT happened today. Let me explain, expand, WHATEVER; I’m tired.

I branched out a lot. OH MY GOD SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!

I’m in year 11, and the year above us – sixth formers – set up what we affectionately called “The Gay Club”, or “Cweer Club” – spelt with a c because we’re cool or something. I went, along with… 8 of my friends? Or rather, 8 people from my group.

It was absolutely amazing, but it was more amazing because no teachers were there and we didn’t have to cringe whilst talking about our “coming out!” stories. I would have just walked out otherwise. It was nothing like you’d expect it to be, cause we were all just shouting and making morons of ourselves. It was great though, because I was around a LOT of my friends, and some people I didn’t know. It ended up with our friend – think I called her Swan once so let’s stick with it – SHRIEKING with laughter, then Wren and a few others changing the name of the club to ZZZZZZ ZZZZZ with different accents over each Z, so it’s pronounced “Cweer club”. No, I have no idea either.

The other thing that happened was in PE, I made a friend. Sort of. She’s what I’d term “popular”, so I’m a bit scared of her, but she, Willow and I just talked for the entire lesson. I never would have thought that she’d be just so nice, and she knows that Ash and I have issues and seemed to understand. We’re trying to get Willow a date for prom, and it was lovely to have that shared goal with someone. Remind me to talk to her again, and to do things like that more often.

I seem to be talking to more people, and it’s making me really happy. There aren’t many things I’m okay with in terms of myself, but this is one of them. I’m almost brave enough to talk to whoever I’d like – one step at a time, though.

Was your day good? S’m still reeling in shock from yesterday – HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

I Want to Write a Book Like Right Now

OHHHH my HOLY

Okay. The title explains it, but I have just had the blooming idea for a book and I CAN’T, oh god, I have ideas for TWO books! YES!

Phew. Calm down.

I’ve been thinking about this book for a while, and I’ve not got the plot fleshed out, but the motivation to write it came just now when I wanted to find some good LGBTQ young adult books. I’m in the mood for having a light read, because I just read some dystopia and then an AMAZING Sci-fi book called Qualify. Even though that was so amazing, I needed something to tide me over – maybe even a new series. I posted on my twitter, asking if anyone had any recommendations, and then I said:

“Or should I write my own?”

And BANG. The ideas formed. Not the characters, not the idea FOR the book – because I’ve got that figured out – but how I’m going to write it. What will the characters be like? Their voices, their personalities, how they tick? Chapters with names or numbers? Past or present tense? Love triangle or no love triangle? (Figured that one out already HAHA).

I need to write it. But how? HOW do I put this all together?

And, most importantly, would you like to read it?

I’m a teenager, wanting to write a book. What am I doing?! Ah, well; let’s see how it goes.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

If I’d Known Her More, I Would Have Loved Her

Okay… I’m scared the person who this post is about will find out about this, but… Whatever. I can deal with it.

So you know that post where I said I would talk about a crush I had on a girl? Well. Here we go.

I’ve been attracted to three girls to a large degree before. Two I absolutely refuse to talk about for various reasons – yeah… Let’s not go into that.

The third was very recent.

Right, so you know how I can’t see? I went on a revision course at a blind school (won’t say where). And yes, if you happen to find this and went on that, just… Yeah. I…

So the revision course. I was terrified, because I don’t get on with blind people very well most of the time because I don’t fit in.

This girl. Let’s call her Hazel, because she was special to me and people who mean something to me get naturey names.

Hazel is lovely. She’s INCREDIBLY intelligent and I admire her. She’s my age, is honestly so adorable, she composes, she’s amazing, and we can talk for ages.

I wasn’t attracted to her to begin with, I don’t think. But I wanted to talk to her. We walked to lessons together a LOT, sat by each other a lot. She was about the only person I could comfortably carry on a conversation with – MORE than comfortably!

It was on the second day. I remember that. We’d been talking, the previous day, and she’t said that her parents weren’t really accepting of people from the LGBTQ community. And that they weren’t very accepting in general.

I wanted to tell her then. Because I didn’t know her before, but I thought – is she a homophobe? Or whatever you call someone who’s against bisexuality. Biphobe? Nah…

The next day, we had talked even more. We were… Close.

And I told her.

“Um, Hazel… You know how you said your parents weren’t very accepting of people who weren’t straight? Are you… Are you against it too?”

“No! No, of COURSE not!”

“Well yeah um I’m bi…”

“Oh okay! Yeah… I think I might be too.”

“Wha… Really?”

I was the first person, besides one of her friends, who she’d told. In fact, I don’t even think she’d told her properly. She said she was more gay than bi.

And then something happened in my mind.

I don’t know if it was just because we both knew we liked girls. I honestly hope it wasn’t, because Hazel is so great and so nice that I probably would have fancied her anyway, but I must have suppressed it or not even realised it was an option.

And then for the rest of the time, it was torture.

It gets fuzzy. When things happened, in what order, that kind of thing. But I remember what they were, and how they made me feel.

I had to stop myself from getting too close.

She was so innocent, I suppose. Never swore, which was so different to me – well, you KNOW me and my swearing tendencies!

I remember, distinctly, when we discussed music. She asked me to play for her, and to sing. And so after a few protests from me, I did. I came back to the seats after I’d finished the song – I play piano and sing – and she it was amazing, and beautiful. And that she wasn’t as good.

Which is STUPID because she is. I heard her play, once, when she was in her room. I came in and just stood there, because it was so beautiful.

We sat so close all the time. Maybe that was just me being a creep, but I just wanted… Something.

We went on the coach to go bowling on the last day. I sat next to her, and we talked so much, and we touched hands so much too, because she said my hands were perfect for piano playing and that hers were just horrible. So, of course I had to prove her wrong. I sound like such a weirdo, but… I don’t even care.

See? Every second of the day. In lessons, when she was around, when she WASN’T.

She taught me how to play chess, too. I lost, obviously, but it was just such an amazing moment.

When we left to go home, she and I hugged for so long. There was just so much pent up emotion, and I remember all the little moments. The ways we spoke and the things we said, and every pause between sentences where we just sat in comfortable silence.

I don’t think she felt the same way, but it just proves to me that I CAN like both boys and girls.

I miss her. I miss her a LOT. We said things to each other, and complimented each other, and now I miss her.

I wasn’t in love with her. I just liked her, a lot.

Should I tell her?

If I ever meet her again, I think those feelings will come back. But I just don’t know.

Oh, thank god I wrote that! I needed to get it off my chest.

WHY Do you Kill?

This is an INCREDIBLY controversial topic and may be upsetting to people. Apologies if this affects you badly. It doesn’t matter to me how much attention this post gets; I’m getting my thoughts out.

First of all, congrats to America on legalising gay marriage across all states! ๐Ÿ™‚ And to those who say it is a breach of democracy, I say this: that is hypocritical, as before, America (and many, many others) allowed gay people to be abused. That is all.

Just wondering: do you want me to make a post on that later? I have several things lined up I want to talk about ๐Ÿ˜€ Would you be interested in reading my thoughts on it?

The topic I want to talk about now is the recent shootings in Tunisia.

It makes me sick.

If you’re GOING to kill, kill the people who deserve it. Not the people who have done NOTHING to you.

Those people? They’ve got a family. They’ve got lives. BOOM, gone. For WHAT?

Please correct me if I’m wrong because I’m not good on scripture, as I’m not religious and believe in no God. In the Qur’an, it says something along the lines of this: “Do not take a life that Allah has made sacred, except for a just cause.”

Is THIS just? Those that say they are Muslim, who have orchestrated these attacks – what is just about killing those who have done NOTHING to you except exist, exist and be THERE?

I think in the Qur’an it also says that you may only be permitted to kill if you are being persecuted for your religion and run from your homes. Are you? Are these people doing that?

I could get death threats, now. I don’t care. I want to say what I WANT to say, because I live in the UK and we have free speech, and I’m saying that THIS IS WRONG!

People persecute many Muslims now, and THAT’s wrong. It’s only a SMALL percentage that are doing this. And to THAT small percentage I say:

If Allah is out there, what would he think of you? WHY do you do this? Educate me, go on! Tell me why you opened fire on a beach of tourists.

This makes me ill. This can happen to ANYONE.

Rant over. I’m sorry. I’m just angry and upset.

What are your thoughts? Any criticism or challenging of my beliefs welcome ๐Ÿ™‚ As long as there is no religious hatred. (Although then agaiIn, aren’t I doing that by being hateful towards these people?)

AHA! Sexuality and All That Jazz

Well damnit, it’s time I made a bloody post on this, right?

Coming out is fucking stupid.

No NO – I don’t mean people shouldn’t have to come out as gay, bi, trans, asexual etc. People need labels so people know, and the world is so unaccepting that it’s horrible. “What, you don’t like boys? WHAT! WHAT! YOU SICK-” NO. Just no!

I MEAN THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO COME OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

You shouldn’t be straight unless proven otherwise. You should be UNDECIDED UNTIL IT’s CLEAR TO YOU WHICH GENDERS YOU LIKE AND DO NOT LIKE!

This makes me so, so angry.

Why?

Because I’m bisexual.

There. Said it.

I ‘came out’, though not publically. I told people if it came up. I told my friends of course so they’d talk about both girls and boys. But no one else knows – because why should they?

If they assume I’m straight, that’s THEIR problem.

Ugh. I’m going to post later about a small crush I had on this girl – I HATE doing two posts a day; it makes me feel odd.

What are your thoughts on this topic? I hope it doesn’t cause too much controversy.

From Elm