She is Me | Who I Used to Be

There was a girl once that was afraid of saying “I love you” but after a while, she got over her fear and revelled in the blooming exultation of wanting to say it. That girl said it to someone, happy, smiling because it was correct and there was no fear attached, no turning back from the gaping yet welcoming truth. The idea of a feeling crashed inside her chest as waves on sand, shaking with the enormity of it; she carried it in her heart, a glorious gift of secret longing. Solid and golden, it was just beyond the hand of someone else, flittering; they kept it, shared, forever. Until it wasn’t.

There was a girl who loved writing. Words poured out of her, like expelling a breath; they tangled together in waves and shadows and created pictures she couldn’t see. She tasted the air and it echoed with words: there were letters in her smile and the solace she got was from creating a story. With eyes shining with new life, she took the whole world in as if it was hers to rebuild – as if she could change the world with a grin. She was poetic and altogether too whimsical, sharply realistic yet also prone to fantastical dreams in her spare time.

This girl devoured music, floating along with pianos and guitars yet grounded with her voice. Singing, not bird-like but nature-like, connected her to reality in the same way that writing let her explore it. She would spent time smiling over songs, heart swelling as the individual notes gave her some identity. Now, that view is glorified – perhaps she just listened – but to me, she was beautiful in it.

Despite her protests, she adored learning – it lit a spark in her as she ranted over books, characters growing and being shaped inside her head. It was as if she herself was a book, filled with little nuances that only came to light after she didn’t know herself much any more. They were good traits, solid, dependable – she was motivated, a steady pulse of resolve thrumming round her body.

Loyal, strange, sometimes wild, heart fluttering at the touch of a hand and when she kissed someone for the first time, her heart would warm whenever she thought of it. There was a little basket of memories she kept inside there, of people who loved her and called her beautiful – of the people she believed when they told her, even if she said she didn’t. Looking at her now, you wouldn’t think it; she doesn’t think it. Was that how she really was? Is she pretending she was more? When I think of her, though, I think of someone who, though still within me, was far more open and happily honest.

As her heart broke, that girl became more herself; she had morals and a complex, wonderful mind that loved her friends more than her own happiness. She was not happy, yet she was slightly content; she had a wealth of emotion among her shattered love that rose to the surface with an easy push. She was respectful, heart clanging painfully yet flowering with blossoms of hope and closure and expressed mourning. She was a whirlpool, except the foam rose high into the air, still holding hands and wishing fervently, a string-tether to her heart, for any kind of happiness.

I say this because this girl didn’t realise what was right in front of her until it had moved on. In living life, she didn’t know how much she cherished it until she wasn’t she any more, until she was replaced by someone who is more of a blank. The vibrant colours and personal identity, once so flourishing and silver, became bronze and duller as she grew smaller. She’s still there, in a little cavity called Hope, in a little drawer called Please Remember Me.

That girl is buried somewhere. I’d really, really like it if she came to the surface one day. Maybe she will; maybe I’ll remember that she is me. “Please Remember Me,” she whispers, after all. I just have to wait.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Blank Slate

She had shining, chestnut hair and the girl with duller locks watched her from afar, as if she was some kind of painting. When she laughed, her whole face lit up; her eyes blazed, mouth stretching into the widest smile you’d see.

Her walk was precise, feet tapping the floor of the corridors: she carried herself with ease, interacting with the people around her with a certain finnesse that the other girl could never replicate. Her laugh was never forced, always ringing out above the rest – her long limbs and delicacy dominated every room she entered.

Her marks in tests were sparkling, perfect – she seemed to have everything under control. It was because of that that the other girl watched her with a certain admiration, only increasing with time. She was everything that the other wasn’t, or so it looked.

On a sunny day in mid April, the other girl noticed the change. It was a gradual process at first: her walk became slower; her laugh became a little less vibrant. Going from gold to bronze, she kept up the facade of happiness, strolling down the same corridors and greeting the same people. When green eyes met brown across the lawn, only by chance, the latter was utterly devoid of emotion. They weren’t filled with the usual laughter and the other girl frowned, a fleeting look of worry crossing her face. The brown-eyed girl turned away, almost seeming to be disgusted.

Breathing deeply, she walked after the girl whose face she could never figure out. She was only a formless blur in the hallways to her but perhaps one voice would be enough to do something, anything. Before she could ask herself why she cared, she shouted – “Hey!” running to catch up with her, tapping her gently on the arm.

The girl whirled around, flinching violently, eyes widening in astonishment and panic. A breathy laugh escaped before her mouth flattened, visibly, as a struggle took place. Her features smoothed into the polite, distant mask which you see on strangers – so different from the alive expression she once wore; so alien from the agitated gleam which the girl with green eyes had seen.

“Um, yes? Is everything okay? Indifference laced her tone, tinged with a small slice of impatience.

“I, ahh…” Stumbling over her words, the girl glanced from left to right – barely able to focus on the face of the girl in front of her. “Look, I know you don’t know me and it’s probably rude of me to ask this, but – are you okay? I couldn’t help noticing you’ve looked really, um, not yourself the last couple of days…”

The girl stared at her, starting in surprise. “Me? Yes, I’m fine. Why do you ask? You don’t know who I am. You don’t know how I usually act!” Her tone acquired a hint of sudden defensiveness as she stepped forward slightly, intently gazing at the other girl.

“I know but I just wanted to check… I haven’t told anyone; I just saw you and you weren’t smiling and you looked so sad and-”

“You’re telling me I always have to smile? I always have to look happy? I’m not allowed to feel like shit – is that it?”

“No, no!” She was flustered, face flushing; blinking a few times, she focused back on her face. “All I was asking is if you’re alright. You might need someone to talk to… It can help.”

Upon the girl straightening up to her full height, it was evident that she’d been slouching for such a long time that it had become her normal posture. She stepped forward still, air rushing into her lungs with an audible swish. “Someone to listen to me! You know what – I do need someone to listen to me but it isn’t you. What-” Her lips twisted in slight scorn – “I don’t know you, at all, and the only time you noticed is when I showed it. Funny how the people who are supposed to know when you’re feeling awful don’t see shit and those that don’t know you at all are the only ones that notice!”

Taken aback, the other girl shuddered a little. “I only want to help,” she mumbled, glancing fleetingly into the eyes of the taller girl. “Do you want help?”

“Yes, I-” She broke off, blinking. “I’ve needed help for so long but everyone thinks everything is fine. They think that my head’s all put together but I don’t know what to think; I want to scream and inside my mind I’m shouting!” At this, her hands came together in a sharp clap, making the girl in front of her jump. “I’m so fucking twisted and sick with myself that I don’t know how to feel alright anymore and nobody bothers to ask why because they think I have everything under control.

“People don’t like to see me cry because if I cry – if the so-called perfect, high-achieving girl cries – then they think the world’s over. I don’t want people to take this too seriously – I’m fine most of the time – but I can’t stop this now.”

Nodding, the other girl bit her lip softly. “I’m sorry – people have expectations of you. They – I don’t know – they want you to be someone you’re not.”

For a split second the girl of flawed perfection appeared terrified, the soft angles of her face morphing into hard and unforgiving lines. Her mouth opened, white teeth blinking in the light, as if in a gasp that only she could hear. She swayed, breathing in, out, in, until her breaths mingled with that of the wind and the other girl’s. Her shaking subsided, giving way to a terrible stillness.

“I don’t know who I am,” she whispered, her murmur seeming somehow flat. “I don’t know where I’m going because there’s no one here to help me. I’m trapped and alone and nobody sees except you but to you, I’m just someone you saw randomly and decided to help for God knows what reason. I’m scared – I’m so scared-”

Green stared into her eyes and shivered at the look within them. The raw emotions, the fear and wildness, withdrew behind shutters that she could almost see close. Even the air around her seemed to be stagnant as it waited, every emotion bleeding from her, only leaving the surface behind.

“It’s the only thing I can do,” her eyes seemed to say. “Who am I?” The mask dropped into place and the board was wiped clean: she was blank again. What could the other girl do to bring her back, really?

After she had walked abruptly away, the shorter girl stayed there – standing – for a few minutes. Replaying the encounter in her mind, she realised that the girl was utterly shattered, the only thing she do being to smash down her feelings. Would anyone notice, when the exterior was so whole? Did anybody care enough to look?

* * *

Sometimes, the people who seem the most put together are the most broken. Sometimes, people aren’t what they seem and you never really know a person until you see them at their most vulnerable.

From Elm πŸ™‚

The “Piano Man” Incident and Other Fun Festivities

So there was this hilarious time, 2 or 3 years ago, that I got a crush on someone for 1 day, simply because I liked the way they played piano in our end of year assembly.

I wish I was joking. I’ve mentioned it in passing a few times before, but today it resurfaced – no, not on the same boy (though he is in my psychology class and a family friend of Red who, when he found out, laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe). In fact, it was on Laurel: the girl I sit next to in French, who I have a somewhat… “Admiration” or “fascination” for. It sounds creepy I know, but it’s increased over the last two days, perhaps because I feel starved of affection again or because I’m lonely: I don’t know.

Before I start warbling on about my “love life”, or lack of one, I want to focus on what – to me – was more important today. Because today was our last day and was filled with deep thoughts from me, laughter with my friends, too much chocolate to count and plenty of hugs. I got my nails painted with this snowflake nail polish and was far too loud in screaming about how I’d ruined it. It only hits you, that when you won’t see your friends for two weeks, how much you actually love them.

I mostly stayed with Wren at break and in assembly. We were in the hall for over an hour, and at one point I was in pain because I had to sit on the floor for ages, and we were howling about our misfortune. In among them, I won three “achievement awards” which were just commendations, and in the silence of the hall I burst out laughing and muttered, “WHAT? That’s so funny!” It was embarrassing, now I look back on it.

And then, Piano Man Incident 2.0 happened – or should I say, Cello Woman Incident? A girl had sung, and was amazing because her voice was beautiful, and after that Laurel was the next “musical item” as they phrased it. I’d been absolutely terrified ever since I found out that she was playing and I was scared that a reoccurrence of the PM incident would happen, and by that I mean I was told this morning. Ever since we hugged yesterday after French, which brought together all of the frustration and worry we felt about the subject, I hadn’t been able to get a messed up curiosity out of my mind, which resulted in me worrying about how I’d react to her cello-playing. She really seemed to need me yesterday, to appreciate how I spoke to her, but was that because I was me or because I was just there?

Okay, I’ll be honest: I’m well aware I sound like a creep. But music has always been something I loved, and it’s like you seeing a face and thinking “There’s something about them, some feature, and it’s amazing”. Something about music or the way people play instruments can “draw” me to them, and that’s almost what happened with Laurel: almost, but not quite.

When she played, I felt like I was entirely focused on that. Of course, other thoughts were going through my mind, like the rhythm of the music and the notes, but it was like I was fascinated by the way she played. However, it wasn’t like with PM, because I wasn’t fixated: it was more like an intense pride, or awe. I loved it, but it wasn’t all-consuming; I don’t know what to think.

My thoughts are a little jumbled right now. I know that I don’t have a “crush” on her, because I’m still sad and my mental health is royally terrible right now in that department. On the other hand, I’m well aware it could develop, but I’m refusing to let myself think about that because:
1. I don’t know her that well
2. I can’t ruin anything, not when it’s so new
3. If I get “involved”, I’d either hurt her or I’d get hurt
4. I have no idea what I’d want with her and I’m not willing to take that chance
5. I still have a rather skewed and not altogether innocent curiosity about the boy I talk about in this post. It won’t amount to anything (though who knows) and I’m screaming at myself for thinking about him because that’s fucked up on so many levels, but whilst that’s in my head, I can’t and won’t have the energy to develop feelings for Laurel without creating a whole lot of confusion.

Over the Christmas holidays, I’m going to seriously think about how I feel. On top of my stress, I don’t need romantic complications to upset me, but sometimes I can’t help it. My reaction to her cello playing was predictable for me, especially because I anticipated it, but luckily it wasn’t as much as I thought it would be. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. Afterwards, with Wren, I mused that it wasn’t as extreme as with PM (though that was when I was about 14).

In other news, we decorated the tree yesterday properly, and I have an interview on the phone in a few minutes. I’ll use the festive days and cold to get over this ridiculous not-even-infatuation.

Then again, when has me saying that ever worked?

From Elm πŸ™‚

A Myriad of Possibilities

I have got myself into a few situations, and got myself mixed up with a lot of weird feelings, that some may call unwise. Others may say, “Elm, you are a fucking moron,” and they’d be right. I am absolutely exasperated with myself but I’ll also half-laughing because this is precisely the kind of thing I usually do. Sigh.

To cut a long story short: I wrote a post a few days ago which pretty much said that I didn’t want to get involved romantically with anyone for a long time. That still applies because I feel unbelievably sick when I think of feelings, but because I’m undoubtedly stupid, I may or may not have started to think that possibilities – in terms of physical ones – is a good idea. Oh my GOD, what am I doing???

There is a girl in my french class, who I’ve talked about in quite a few posts – most notably this one. I’ll give her a name now, simply because I can tell that whatever happens, she’ll be important to my life – perhaps Laurel would fit. She always fascinated me, in a strange sort of way, maybe because she’s knew but maybe because she plays the cello, sings, swims, talks to me like I’m interesting, and jumped into the life of french and friends and laughter with more enthusiasm than I ever could.

Last night, I went to Pine’s party – a girl who I’ve been friends with for 5 years. There, I had the most amazing time, watching a film (which was described to me) and laughing with everyone. Swan was there, and she and I had beautiful conversations; she’s such an amazing friend and I think we got closer that evening. Both she, another new girl and I had talks about philosophy, society and people, which meant we missed about 15 minutes of the film, but god it was worth it. After the film was finished, we playg Never Have I Ever, and it was then that my fascination came to the forefront of my mind.

“Never have I ever dated a girl,” someone said, and Swan and I put one of our fingers down. I’m not sure why but I was being very open with my sexuality, so much so that it was pissing me off; it was like I was trying to prove something to someone, to show them “HEY! I like girls too, do you, okay cool!” which, looking back, made me look like an over-eager idiot. This “fascination” with Laurel, coupled with the fact that my current emotions in terms of love/affection make me want to sob, meant that I was putting myself out there more than I felt comfortable with.

She came over to sit by us, once a few people had gone home. I irritated myself in how I was almost magnetised towards her, because my head was so confused and frustrated; as our game progressed and the laughter swelled, I remember feeling this fog, detachment, as if Laurel was unlucky for being the source of my not-even-attraction. Close with Pine, and Swan besides, it wasn’t as if I felt “starved”, but I absolutely refused to think of the possibility that she could be a possibility as I assumed she was straight.

Pine: “Never have I accidentally licked someone.”
Me: “Ermmmm we do NOT talk about that!” (Not that Pine knew what I was referring to)
Laurel: “Well, I’ve never accidentally done that. I mean I’ve french-kissed and that – oooh actually, I’ve kissed more girls than boys.”

I went a bit funny, then. It felt good, that she’d openly admitted she liked girls, because it shows that people are becoming so much less guarded about it and that’s great. Also, and to my annoyance, a seedling of possibility started to grow, and I wanted to kick myself for it. I know barely anything about Laurel, though I admire her, and know her so much more than some people I’ve known since year 7. Still, that doesn’t warrant any kind of screwed up ‘affection’ for her to happen, especially because I’m still so miserable.

When I asked, she told me that she’d never gone out with anyone, but that she’d kissed plenty of people including friends. Something I’d been meaning to say just came out then: “Kissing doesn’t have to be necessarily romantic,” and she agreed. Talking to her was refreshing, and I eventually slid rebelliously onto the floor. Maybe that’s a way for people to notice me, so I should stop doing it; I don’t know what I was trying to achieve, but now it makes me cringe because I think I must have made her uncomfortable with my weird behaviour.

I’m naturally a curious person; I always have been. Though I flat-out don’t want romantic feelings to develop, I was thrilled by the thought of kissing her, or of getting physically close in a platonic way to her. Is that weird? When I spoke to Swan and another girl afterwards, Ow reiterated:
“At the moment I can’t really have crushes, because I’m recently single. But I get fascinated by people, and I get fascinated by the possibility – of being with them, of being near them, but not of being in a relationship with them.” They understood, but I never really said that to Laurel, except to hint that I had been single for not a long enough time for it to be okay to want something like that.

If that wasn’t confusing enough, a boy is what you might call “flirting” with me, though that just made me burst out laughing, and nearly choke on my dinner. He’s the type of person who half-pisses me off and half-makes me laugh, but he’s been surprisingly supportive over the last month or so. It’s not like I’ve shared intimate details of my feelings, but he’s called me up a couple of times to tell me highly offensive yet funny jokes to cheer me up.

Our friendship is strange, I suppose. I say that I’m exasperated with him, but secretly I don’t find him bad. I would never have anything with him, because 1) He goes to the same school as S and Pansy which I can’t deal with and 2) he was absolutely awful to Pansy back in year 8, and it would be morally wrong in a friend perspective to get involved, in whatever capacity, with him. Also, he can be a prick and he’s not someone who cares overly, and not someone who I’d jump over the moon for.

Even though it would be shit, I’m curious yet again. Like with Laurel, it’s not an active thought, but whenever he makes a slightly suggestive comment, my immediate reaction isn’t disgust. Yes, there’s humour there because I find it hilarious that anyone would compliment me, and I always say “Poor you!” or “Hah, I don’t believe you,” when he says anything like that. He said I was hot earlier, and I’ve never laughed so hard. But I suppose I want to be wanted – don’t we all? In one of his supportive moments he said we should meet up because he finds me “cool”, but I’m scared that when we meet up I’ll get that burning curiosity. I’m nervous that, in my “This is myBasically, my head is a mess currently. Kissing someone, or leaning into them, is no way to deal with a breakup, but I no longer interpret it as dealing with it. I can deal with the breakup on my own terms, without using physicality as a distraction. Any so-called ‘physicality’ would be as a result of me wanting it – not for romantic purposes but just because. Laurel and that boy aren’t people I fancy, and though it could grow, I don’t want it to; maybe having curiosity for a number of people is bad, but it’s like wanting experiences and there’s nothing flawed in that unless it causes people harm.

I want to show you that you can be open with these things. Unless you’re not ready for anything, or unless you’re not pressuring yourself, you should know that you can do with your body what the hell you want. It’s not ‘too grown-up’ or shameful – though please don’t do anything too outrageous if you’re younger. I was told by my mum and other adults that I shouldn’t do anything ever unless I was in a relationship, but you know what? I can talk about it; I can show others that talking about it or not talking about it if you aren’t comfortable is totally fine.

If I get fascinated by something, and if both me and any person involved are totally okay with it not progressing to ‘romance’, then there’s no issue. The issues start to happen when complicated and unreturned feelings start happening, or when someone gets hurt. I don’t want either, and so if anything happens in the near future (which it won’t because I’m me), then I’m going to make sure that people explicitly know what I do not want. That’s why I’m being so open about this.

I’m nervous of seeing Laurel tomorrow, not least because I think I acted like an obsessive moron. I’ll just have to deal with it, keep up with lessons and live a little in the process.

Your body is yours; don’t be ashamed of it. I spent enough time calling myself some awful names, telling myself I was a ‘bitch’, ‘slut’, and someone who ‘played around with emotions’. I’m not. You aren’t either.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I Know Where I Stand

Woah. I need to have a sit down and just digest everything that happened today – because a lot of things happened, all of which I’m entirely happy with. In fact, the day went amazingly, so all the fear yesterday was for nothing.

If you haven’t read the post about Jasmine yet, read it before you read this post. Otherwise, things won’t make sense. Who knows – I’m so tired that maybe things in THIS post won’t make sense either!

I was a total wreck this morning. After thinking, last night, that she was somehow angry with me (a story involving her talking about some Paul guy, her catching onto the fact that I was jealous which wasn’t difficult and then us assuring each other that we made us smile), I woke up feeling even more nervous than I was yesterday. My friends kept messaging me (Wren ahem ahem), going “HALF AN HOUR LEFT!” I put makeup on, which prompted my mum to ask me if I was gay and if I was going on a date or something, and paced round the house, played piano and sang to pass the time. Checking my phone became a habit, as my legendary paranoia rose up to scream that maybe she wasn’t coming, or that she’d be late. She was about 10 minutes late, but in the grand scheme of things, that didn’t matter. All I did for the last 5 minutes before she arrived was breathe and rub my hands together like some crazed villain from a terrible action movie.

She arrived (I got a text saying that they’d pulled up in the. car outside) so me, being totally normal, ran downstairs and opened the door. I remember standing on the front step, the sun shining, trying not to panic because I was MEETING JASMINE. My mum was behind me, and as Jasmine and her foster mum came up, she said heyy. Then, Jasmine and I hugged and it was surreal as shit; I’ve only ever met one internet friend before and I felt like I was about to jump up and down (I kept it in luckily).

At first, we didn’t talk much. Both her foster mum and my mum were making conversation, with Jasmine and I sitting next to each other on the sofa. At one point I went to get some water with her in the kitchen, and standing in front of her felt so strange – hearing her voice next to me, too. Once her foster mum (who is so lovely, by the way) left and my mum went upstairs was when things really became less stilted.

Before we went out for lunch, we were in the living room. She was obsessed with the ornaments we had: model elephants, bells, stone hearts on the mantlepiece, cacti (four of them) and our 10 fish that were in a fish tank by the sofa we sat on. We honestly spent the time before lunch just going round the living room, finding all the stuff we had, with her exclaiming (AHHH that’s so cute!” on multiple occasions. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, there’s a picture of some shoes with butterflies on them on the wall, which I found out today. After that, we went out to the high street.

I was terrified that lunch was going to be a disaster. Fortunately, we went to an Italian place (so I had pasta in order to not look like a moron whilst eating), and I more or less told my mum that no, I’d rather she not eat with us. That was mostly so that Jasmine and I could be together and I could finally feel like I was free. I was worried that she’d make me feel like a baby (when we were walking to the restaurant, it wasn’t too bad, but I was very aware of Jasmine next to me).

Over lunch, she and I talked so much. I’m quite proud that I didn’t embarrass myself (i.e get food all over me, laugh weirdly or say something strange). It felt so. great to be doing something by MYSELF, because I felt like a regular sighted kid, just having lunch with a… Friend. We payed (or I did, having a slight awkward moment when I couldn’t find the plate to put the money on). It’s weird, because Jasmine picked up how to guide me incredibly quickly. We stepped outside in to the sunshine, walked down the street towards home and I felt wonderful because I was there with her.

After we got back, something changed. We went into the living room again, but this time we sat closer on the sofa. We were still examining the various things in. the living room – she looked outside and saw builders that were working on our neighbour’s house and we were laughing about that. I kept on wanting to sit nearer to her like a complete creep, and somehow, we ended up touching/holding hands on various occasions. My heart was beating fast and we got rather close physically, not actually doing anything.

Because I’m strange, and my head was in a jumble, I asked if she wanted to see my room. Before you get any ideas, NO, I didn’t mean it in that sense; I just wanted to migrate upstairs because the living room was getting boring. I was still extremely conscious of her near me as we walked into my room and sat down.

Okay, here’s where it gets to the part where timings get muddled. We sat very close to each other – starting off further away as per usual. To begin with, we were just holding hands and watching a few youtube videos whilst talking, but there was a point where she touched my hair where I thought, “God, this is getting serious, something’s gonna happen OHMYGODWHATAMIDOING?!”

According to her, there was something in my hair – perhaps a bit of fluff, but perhaps it was just. an excuse. All this time – for quite a while before that – my heart was beating erratically and I kept on turning my head towards her to see how close she was; every time she fiddled with my hair or touched my hand I was basically like an 11-year-old with a crush. You know that moment where you can feel your heart in your chest, and you’re breatheing and trying to not make it blatantly obvious that you WANT something to happen? It was cringey because I was SO weirdly obvious. When she told me I had something in my hair, she turned my face towards hers and we ended up kissing.

Whathe the hell – it seems like with every single person I’ve had a “thing” with, I ALWAYS forget how the first kiss happened. With Jasmine, it was just… There. Her lips on mine, and it was so different to my other experiences. Why? I don’t know.

There were many repeats of the kissing. That girl knows what she’s doing (that didn’t mean to sound so disturbing I’m SORRY!) and the thing is, I felt literally NO disgust towards myself. In between what one may term “periods of kissing”, we spoke loads (about her friend who’s having a baby, about life and we just laughed). She gave me these amazing sweets she got from Turkey that have basically been an inside joke between us, because she promised to leave at least one packet for me. She did a really cool thing to my hair, and just the normality of that shows that it’s not just all about the physical.

I won’t lie to you guys: it did go further than kissing. Not giving away all the details, but there were a few firsts for me. For once, I’m not judging myself or thinking I’m some awful human being, because you know what? I felt extremely comfortable, happy and not like things were moving too fast. I don’t know; a year ago I would have NEVER done this, but times change and all that matters is that I wasn’t feeling sick, or unwilling.

Can I just say – talking about this stuff, as in sexual stuff, is more than okay. You should talk about it, and have the confidence to ask questions; if anyone wants any advice and is too embarrassed to ask parents or friends, I’m here. Not that I’m an expert at ALL, but I know what it’s like to feel awkward about it.

On top of the laughter and happiness, there were a few serious conversations as well. At one point, I said, “Jasmine… You don’t want a relationship, right?”
“No. We’ve talked about this before!”
“I know, I know; I just don’t want you to feel like I’m fucking around with your emotions or anything.”
“I understand – and trust me, you’re not!”
So that was lovely. Also, my paranoia came up as I was terrified my mum would come in (she doesn’t exactly know I like both girls and guys), and we just sat together in comfortable silence.

She also had dinner with us, and afterwards, she had to get the train home. I felt rather sad when she left – we walked to the station, which included some very subtle innuendos that only we would understand that nearly made me burst out laughing. I didn’t feel too upset, as I know I’m seeing her again.

God, I’ve had a good day. I didn’t feel angry, awkward or worried (except about some paranoia and the whole relationship thing), and I know it’s not the end of us. Some days, you just need things to go right, and this was one of those days for me. It’s making me smile, just thinking about it.

Wow, I covered all I wanted to in one go! That’s an achievement for me; I thought I would get so tired that I wouldn’t be able to write it all out. I spoke to Jasmine just now – I actually prefer our conversations in real life because I know where I am with her then.

I hope you’ve all had a brilliant day. Thanks for all your support on, well, everything. You know I’m always here for you if shit goes wrong, or if you’ve just had a terrible day.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Having the Confidence to “Get Out There”

Whenever I want to tell you guys of a situation, I always procrastinate. I tell myself that I can never find the right words to say, I get panicked, and before it’s too late I eventually find the guts to post what’s been happening. Remember all the other times I’ve opened up? Yeah, this is one of those times.

When you’re writing, they tell you to get straight to the point within the first two paragraphs. Though I want to expand before, I’ll just say it here, as expanding comes after. There is a girl, and I’ll call her Jasmine.

After my breakup with Rapunzel, I absolutely refused to think about other people. It made me feel sick, angry and upset, because I convinced myself that if I did, I was obviously a terrible person. It’s only been since a couple of weeks ago, and especially at Prom, that I’ve allowed myself to properly consider that I can and have moved on, in the relationship sense of things (the emotions are still a bit muddled and confused, but that’s alright).

As much as I would have liked to have given myself more time to “move on”, as it were, it just wasn’t possible. What with exams, situations that blew up after the relationship ended and so much confusion that I couldn’t think straight, I didn’t exactly give myself a choice. Perhaps that wasn’t the wisest decision, but it’s done now and I can’t beat myself up about it.

Jasmine and I have been talking for about the past three weeks. You know me, and you know that I hate rushing things but it ends up happening anyway. As with many of my other “things”, I met her on the Internet. Wa-fucking-heyza, I KNOW that you’re thinking “Oh my god, Elm, PLEASE stop!” I’m sorry. I’m actually being somewhat careful this time.

I think that Jasmine is fabulous (a word we use to describe each other on multiple occasions). Pretty much every day since two weeks ago, we’ve talked on the phone. I know a lot about her and she does of me, and the good thing is that I’ve spoken to her foster mum and so I know she’s not some 40-year-old pervert.

Oh. Well, about being careful? I’m meeting her tomorrow. As in she’s coming to my house. Er, let me explain?

I remember, shortly after we started speaking, saying something about practicing going on trains. I was freaking out a little, because as you know, my independence is really important to me. The thing that convinced me she wasn’t a bitch was that she said, “I can help you if you’d like?” She offered, without me even asking; just that simple act of kindness astounded me. Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it’s rare that someone would just offer to help a blind kid out and would go out of their way. Ever since then, we’d discussed meeting up. She lives about 30-40 minutes away from me (and used to go to a school near me when she lived with a different family).

First of all, I was going to go to her house. Before anything could actually be arranged, I made sure that I knew her more – her flaws, her crappy qualities, and that she knew mine. Three weeks? You can get to know somebody in that time; not perfectly, but well enough. Unfortunately, my mum kind of freaked out.

I had to lie to both my parents. This is the thing I feel most guilty about. Not necessarily my mum – if she found out I spoke to people on the Internet, that would be it for me. No freedom, no internet, no trust ever again. However, my dad is so much more accepting. He knows I talk to people, like you guys, and encourages me to meet them as long as I’m with someone else. He would never, and I do mean never, allow Jasmine to come over if I hadn’t met her first; at the time, I was going to go to hers, but perhaps now he’d accept it? I told both of them that Jasmine was a friend of Ivy’s and that I’d met her at Ivy’s party. Luckily, both Ivy and Jasmine know the cover story (I just need to flesh out the details before she comes over tomorrow). I think mmum is a little suspicious, so I’m absolutely screwed if she finds out the truth. Lying is terrible and not the best course of action at all, and I feel bad for it, but otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do this.

I’m going to be totally honest with you here. I’m very scared of your reaction, because I know that this potentially is risky. Isn’t life about taking risks, sometimes? I really want the freedom to do what I want, and to meet who I want. When my mum kicked up a fuss about me going to Jasmine’s (“I don’t know her, or her foster parents, and I’m worried!” which were all extremely valid concerns), I got unbelievably upset because I felt like I was a baby or something. Thank God Jasmine was okay with it. Her foster mum is driving her, so that my mum gets to meet them both to know who they are.

The only people that know the full story of this are Wren, Ivy and partly Willow. To be honest, when Jasmine comes over, I’m pretty damn sure something’s going to happen. Maybe not to the level of what might’ve happened when I’d gone to hers, but maybe that’s for the best right now. There’s been a lot of what one might call “flirting”, and some innuendos, and luckily I didn’t feel sick when that happened, which is progress.

I’m judging myself. If we kiss, is that okay? I don’t know. I’m not against it happening, but I just feel so… Guilty? I’m attempting not to call myself some horrendous names, but it’s difficult when I have about three people that I’m “considering”. It makes me feel awful because shitting hell, my last relationship ended a month and a half ago! What does that make me?

The main fear that I have when she comes around tomorrow is that she might get bored. Though it could be considered strange to say, I don’t find myself a particularly interesting person, but hopefully the conversations won’t dry up. I’m planning to go for a walk with her, because she’s staying for a while (perhaps 8 hours or something), as she lives too far for it to be just a 4 hour thing.

Both Jasmine and I are firmly set in that we don’t want a relationship. She’s in no position to right now, and neither am I. With me, I don’t want to get attached to anyone much this summer. It’s not just with her, it’s with anyone: it may put me in a difficult position, but I’ll have to be alright with that. In sixth form, I need to have a new start, and if I’m in a relationship, I think that the stress and paranoia will be so bad that I won’t be able to do much. I’m weighing up my personal happiness with the want to kiss people. WOAH that’s bad!

It’s not perfect, in any way. If I ever mention Rapunzel, she gets really jealous. We’re both paranoid as hell, and that’s not really good, but we know that whatever happens we’re still there as friends. She smokes a lot, and if you know me, you’ll know I really dislike cigarettes/drugs (she’s only done the latter as a test rather than a regular thing) but if I want to not be judgemental, I won’t think of that as a big deal; it doesn’t change her as a person. She’s done many, many things physically that I haven’t even got close to doing, but she understands. There’s this pressure I have to get into a relationship, but I honestly can’t right now – again, she gets it.

Maybe this will turn out shittily in the long run. I may be taking a huge leap into unknown territory that will screw me over. I might get so hurt by this and this MIGHT be a terrible idea, but for now I’m just trying to be okay with myself. If that involves having a “fling” with someone, so be it.

I still have so many unresolved feelings. I want to go out there and get experiences, live in the moment for once and be happy. Yes, stress may be a by-product of that, but I’ll just have to deal with it.

Before I commit to anything, I need to just say that I still respect Rapunzel implicitly. She’s still my friend, and we still very much talk; I’m always going to be there for her whenever I can. THAT hasn’t changed.

God, it feels great to finally explain all of this. I hope I’m doing the right thing, but the “right thing” is subjective.

Do you think it’s alright to act like I’m acting? I don’t want to hurt anyone, or make anyone miserable.

Thanks for always being here, and I mean that. You all make my day, because you’re just so helpful.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Why I’m Going to Start Talking about My Love Life Again

This post contains some updates on my so-called love life, with some weird kind of thought rambling before it.

Remember the so-called “old days” of Elm, where I’d talk about my various “crushes”, problems I was experiencing, and general screaming embarrassment? That’s going to start again – unofficially, because I never REALLY stopped. Nothing’s happened; I just decided that next time something does (haaaaahaaaa), I won’t shy away from posting about it.

Why, you might ask? And if you haven’t, I don’t blame you. Well first of all, I miss talking to you guys about it. I remember in the summer, with everything to do with Cassia, and Palm and ALL the other things. Before that: Birch, Ash, Cedar. I felt happy that I could yell about what was going on without fear of getting picked on, or without fear of people reading it who would tell anyone.

My post yesterday, for all its negativity, made me think seriously. In my last two relationships, with Aspen (NOT THE BLOGGER) and Rapunzel, they both knew about my blog. Rapunzel before we went out, of I showed Aspen after.

As much as I respect both of them to the highest degree, showing them my blog meant I couldn’t write about them. When I went out with them, I doubt I would have even if I HADN’T shown them, but afterwards I needed a place to rant and (about Aspen) shout about what a terrible person I thought I was and (with Rapunzel) have an outlet for all the confusion I felt. Right now, I’m okay; I didn’t have that then though and it felt like something was missing.

Now I look back on it, I think they would have been okay with me posting about what was happening. Well, not CERTAIN situations, but my general feelings. Saying that, I felt and occasionally still feel trapped and like I shouldn’t speak about things even now. Not that bad things have happened, but ehh.

In a nutshell, Rapunzel and I have agreed to move on. So much has happened after we broke up, which made us both feel shit. I didn’t tell any of it to you because of privacy issues and I just felt too bad to talk about it properly, anyway; it’s all sorted now, luckily. Because of that, we said we can’t keep doing this to each other. So that means that we both said it’s okay for us to get with other people, and though I feel horrendously guilty about it, it’s alright. I haven’t yet, but at some point I will, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

I feel much more free to post about things now. After we had a long conversation, which involved me getting way too overly emotional, I realised that sometimes you get the right person at the right time. Then, that right time turns into a tiny bit of a wrong time, and it keeps on growing until something HAS to be done. Yeah, it still hurts and I’m not over it and won’t be for a while, but we’re both trying. Anything might happen, but for now, I’ll just live my life. She’s still the “right” person, but it’s entirely the wrong time and sometimes people just don’t work, no matter how right they are for each other. That’s okay.

That’s why I want, and NEED, to post about happenings with me in the future. I’ve also decided not to tell anyone really about my blog until I really, really trust them – specifically those I might get into a relationship with, because I NEED an outlet to talk about it.

I don’t like going behind people’s backs. In fact, I find it terrible and I’ll think I’m a bad person. Sometimes, though, it has to be done, as I WILL need advice from time to time. It’s only natural, and for my piece of mind and happiness, I want to do this. To talk about a cute conversation I had, or happiness I felt. To get confused over people without having to censor my words.

It’s MY blog, and it’s ME. I’ll write it for me, and for people reading it; not to impress, but just to talk about my life. It’s bloody therapeutic as well.

I’m quite excited for this summer. It may seem throwaway and a bit bad, but I kind of want to get out there and do things. Kiss people. Be FREE. I can, after all; nothing’s stopping me but the thought that I might be taking things too fast. When will I get the next chance, though? This summer is stress free and I’m glad of that.

Also, who DOESN’T love and cringe about an embarrassing story from me?

Has anthing interesting happened to you guys lately? What do you think about me posting about all this?

From Elm πŸ™‚

Okay, Good, STRONG

Yesterday, a friend of mine spontaneously called me up, just for a chat, and asked me: “Are you okay?” To which I replied, “Yeah?” After a pause. “Yeah… Um, I, no.”

He’s become a really good friend over the past few months (after I stopped being a total dick to him), but it was a total shock for someone to just ask me that. I hadn’t really thought about it – I said I wasn’t okay, but really thinking about it was another matter.

After what happened on Friday, it’s fine for me not to be okay. I’ve realised that. It’s no one’s fault – not Rapunzel’s because she’s amazing and I have so much respect for her, and not my own, because I think anyone would be miserable after a breakup. That’s fine and I’m slowly dealing with this in my own way.

Ivy came round yesterday too, and I spoke to her about all of it, and told her what I was going to do to try and make myself feel a little better. She helped me laugh, and we had a great time as we always do. That, coupled with the chat I had with my other friend, made me think on everything today. I was feeling so sad when I was at Rose and Poppy’s, until I kicked myself into shape and decided: I’ll tell YOU. I’ll write a list, and who knows? It might help you too.

I’m going to numb everything, just for a week. I can’t let this affect my exams; I will be SO much happier if I get into a positive mindset for the last five before the half term. Then, in that week, in between bouts of “SHIT REVISION HELP ME!” I’ll let myself feel. I’ll show myself it’s ALRIGHT to feel. Once all of my exams are over, I’ll do the same thing.

I’m going to try and talk to my friends as much as possible. Wren, Red, Odd, and all the rest. It’ll cheer me up – I’ll definitely try and meet up with them. Even with revision, I don’t think me being alone is the best thing to do. Yeah, I felt ill today and sad, but hanging out with friends will make me laugh and I NEED that. I can’t shut myself away.

Speaking of friends, I’ll make some more friendships, or earth up some old ones. Making a new friend, or having the thrill of a friendship and being trusted, is the thing that makes me the happiest. It’s such a lovely feeling – to know you have people around you, especially new people. Expanding my “circle” (HAHAHAHA WHAT), like an absolute rebel, is something I really want to try. I’m not popular in the least, but recently the friends I’ve made – just random people who you wouldn’t expect me to like – have lifted my mood. Internet friends, real life friends, whatever fits.

I won’t do this much, but I’ll try and post. As much as I NEED to concentrate on revision, which I WILL do much more, this is a way of coping. A way of therapy, if. you want to put it like that. I may not read blogs, but I AM going to be here, on a not-really-hiatus-but-sort-of-a-hiatus-roll-with-it. The support I get here is bamazing and makes me smile all the time. What I do need to remember, though, is BALANCE REVISION AND ACTUALLY DO REVISION bloody hell.

Moving on, in terms of the relationship, seems a bit stupid to me right now. I’m not even at a stage where I can think about things without wanting to curl into a ball or BECOME a ball, so if I tried to force it, it wouldn’t work. I’m going to wait, make myself feel more positive, and if I eventually move on it’ll be okay. Shit it even hurts thinking about that. NOOOOO NEGATIVITY EEEELLMMM. Just… Not going to even run down that train of thought.

Honestly? This post really helped me to put things into perspective. If you’re feeling awful, try some of the things I’m doing; maybe we can go along this feeling-better journey together. Do something you love, and remember, DON’T PRESSURE YOURSELF TO FEEL OKAY. It will happen when it happens.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Screw the Hiatus for a Sec

Yeah, fuck the hiatus, this is important. I’m going to regret this post in the morning but whatever.

I’ll say it plainly. Rapunzel and I broke up – if you don’t know who she is, read my post called Happiness without a Catch (can’t be pissed to link it because rebel).

I need to first say that she was so damn lovely about it. She was on the phone with me and said it in the nicest way possible – you KNOW someone knows you well when they tell you not to blame yourself for anything, and then SUCCEED in not making me think I’m a shit person. That takes skills πŸ˜€

I’m not sure why I put that last bit. Also Rapunzel if you’re reading this, don’t read this paragraph because it might make you feel shit, and I couldn’t ever want that. But I will be honest with you guys; I feel absolutely shit but that’s unavoidable. My eyes are VERY painful but you know what? It’s okay, because in all the break-up scenarios that could have happened, that was the best.

This was the kindest. I’m honestly happy that she told me, in the way she did. I know that she’s still going to be there for me and I for her; stuff won’t change that. We still feel the same about each other and that’s okay, because we’ll both be okay.

I won’t go into details about my feelings right now because they’re fresh and raw and painful, and I don’t want this post to be overly negative. Also, I don’t want to guilt-trip her by accident; she’s so fabulous and has such a kind heart it astounds me. She’s also sensible as fuck.

I don’t hate her. I’m not happy, but I could never be angry. Yes, I feel a little like everything’s just exploded in fire and blood and anguish, but I’m SO much more calm than I thought. I’d be.

All in all? I will be okay. I won’t let this affect my exams, but I’ll be able to deal with the pain in my own way. I hope you guys are doing amazingly.

I thought I’d tell you because you deserve to know. You’ve all watched me through the various stages of my love life, my breakdowns and shrieking moments, so it’s only natural that I tell you; plus, I NEEDED to post about it. I have other things to tell you, but that can wait until the half term, or until the exams are over.

I’ll grow from this, and maybe now it feels awful, but at some point it’ll feel okay. I’ll be able to cope and I’ll be fine, truly fine, and I’m going to hold onto that hope.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

Happiness without a Catch

I won’t do the whole, “I’m scared you’ll judge me for this,” because I know you won’t because you’re you.

As you guys know, I went to blind camp on Wednesday and got back yesterday, and it was honestly amazing. I said I’d be nervous to see Hazel, but really, it wasn’t JUST her that I was truly nervous, happy and all those lovely emotions, to see. I’ll call the girl Rapunzel, because it’s an inside joke between us.

She and I have been internet friends since September – I originally knew her through a friend, but then we became friends (on the 27th of September to be exact) and went from horrifically formal to “OMG YASSSS ASDFGHJKL” in the span of about 3 messages. There was a time in about December where we didn’t speak much (sad times) but then we’ve been talking for the last 2 months. She helped me so much with the Aspen situation, when I felt confused and upset at the end of the relationship. And YES – before you say it – I got feelings for her.

I’m sorry for not telling you all before, but I couldn’t say how I felt until now, because she reads. this. Also, if you’re from real life and don’t know about this, I’m sorry. Consider this me telling you, because I trust everyone who reads this.

We met on Wednesday for the first time, and we hugged so hard and were shaking like mad. (I swear, whenever I experience high emotion, I shake like a leaf). Also, she’s SO BLOODY TALL. It turns out we were sharing a room with Hazel, and seeing both of them was amazing. Hazel’s still the same, and lovely as ever, but there were no romantic feelings towards her. Everyone there was so nice; I didn’t dislike anyone like I usually do.

On the first night, we got 5 hours of sleep – on the second, we got 7 (Hazel went to sleep first and then Rapunzel and I stayed up for 2 hours) and on the third, we got 3 accidental hours of sleep. YES IT’s A THING SHH. On the third night, there were 6 girls in our room and we all chatted and laughed, and once they left, the three of us stayed up until 2, talking about life and love and everything in between.

I had a suspicion (HAHAHAHAHA) that Rapunzel had feelings for me, because when we talked on facetime before the camp, she spoke about a mysterious girl who she thought, and wanted, something to happen with. She was pretty damn sure something would happen, because I’m literally the most obvious person when it comes to having feelings for someone. I was still nervous, though, as I always am.

It was on that first night that we kissed, at 3 o’clock in the morning. I couldn’t sleep, switched my phone on and she heard, and came over to me. We lay there for ages, foreheads touching, and we eventually kissed (no idea how it happened but I’m so glad).

The next day, we spoke so much (when we went bowling, between lessons, whenever we could) about everything. On the second night, when Hazel was asleep, we talked about us (in between laughing at some truly strange sounds coming from the bathroom next to our room). I asked, so awkwardly that it makes me cringe, “So, um, would you like to be my, er, girlfriend?” I had felt miserable earlier, because it was Ash’s birthday, and she had held me. I honest to god nearly cried, both from the sadness and that she was there and telling me it would be okay, that I would be okay.

One thing is that I never want to rush into things. The amount of times I said, “Is this okay? Are you SURE? Seriously, tell me if it isn’t,” were legendary. I didn’t hate myself or feel fear, or confusion, and I NEVER questioned if I deserved it or if I should just stop because I was an awful person. I felt, and feel, SO happy. Doing maths revision for 3 hours today made me feel so positive, and I didn’t panic at all.

We both know that it’s going. to be difficult because of the distance – she lives 4-5 hours away from me – but like she said, “If we both put in the same effort, it’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” I know that I can be honest with her, and I’m not nervous of saying things in real life .

Having simple happiness can make your day. I want to tell you – it’s OKAY to live in the moment, to seize it, and to do things that make you happy. Sometimes it’s good to not think about the future, but know for now that you’re happy. In every situation, there’s something that you learn about yourself, but also a piece of advice that I like to tell you.

I just want to see where this goes. There will be high times, and low times, and that’s okay. Just know that whatever happens, I’m still going to be. here. YOU can go out there and do something incredible, and don’t be scared of doing something you previously thought had no hope.

For now, I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I really think I can do this – relationships, exams, revising, smiling, laughing.

I hope you’ve had an amazing day, and week. You deserve it so much.

From Elm πŸ™‚