Why I’m Going to Start Talking about My Love Life Again

This post contains some updates on my so-called love life, with some weird kind of thought rambling before it.

Remember the so-called “old days” of Elm, where I’d talk about my various “crushes”, problems I was experiencing, and general screaming embarrassment? That’s going to start again – unofficially, because I never REALLY stopped. Nothing’s happened; I just decided that next time something does (haaaaahaaaa), I won’t shy away from posting about it.

Why, you might ask? And if you haven’t, I don’t blame you. Well first of all, I miss talking to you guys about it. I remember in the summer, with everything to do with Cassia, and Palm and ALL the other things. Before that: Birch, Ash, Cedar. I felt happy that I could yell about what was going on without fear of getting picked on, or without fear of people reading it who would tell anyone.

My post yesterday, for all its negativity, made me think seriously. In my last two relationships, with Aspen (NOT THE BLOGGER) and Rapunzel, they both knew about my blog. Rapunzel before we went out, of I showed Aspen after.

As much as I respect both of them to the highest degree, showing them my blog meant I couldn’t write about them. When I went out with them, I doubt I would have even if I HADN’T shown them, but afterwards I needed a place to rant and (about Aspen) shout about what a terrible person I thought I was and (with Rapunzel) have an outlet for all the confusion I felt. Right now, I’m okay; I didn’t have that then though and it felt like something was missing.

Now I look back on it, I think they would have been okay with me posting about what was happening. Well, not CERTAIN situations, but my general feelings. Saying that, I felt and occasionally still feel trapped and like I shouldn’t speak about things even now. Not that bad things have happened, but ehh.

In a nutshell, Rapunzel and I have agreed to move on. So much has happened after we broke up, which made us both feel shit. I didn’t tell any of it to you because of privacy issues and I just felt too bad to talk about it properly, anyway; it’s all sorted now, luckily. Because of that, we said we can’t keep doing this to each other. So that means that we both said it’s okay for us to get with other people, and though I feel horrendously guilty about it, it’s alright. I haven’t yet, but at some point I will, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

I feel much more free to post about things now. After we had a long conversation, which involved me getting way too overly emotional, I realised that sometimes you get the right person at the right time. Then, that right time turns into a tiny bit of a wrong time, and it keeps on growing until something HAS to be done. Yeah, it still hurts and I’m not over it and won’t be for a while, but we’re both trying. Anything might happen, but for now, I’ll just live my life. She’s still the “right” person, but it’s entirely the wrong time and sometimes people just don’t work, no matter how right they are for each other. That’s okay.

That’s why I want, and NEED, to post about happenings with me in the future. I’ve also decided not to tell anyone really about my blog until I really, really trust them – specifically those I might get into a relationship with, because I NEED an outlet to talk about it.

I don’t like going behind people’s backs. In fact, I find it terrible and I’ll think I’m a bad person. Sometimes, though, it has to be done, as I WILL need advice from time to time. It’s only natural, and for my piece of mind and happiness, I want to do this. To talk about a cute conversation I had, or happiness I felt. To get confused over people without having to censor my words.

It’s MY blog, and it’s ME. I’ll write it for me, and for people reading it; not to impress, but just to talk about my life. It’s bloody therapeutic as well.

I’m quite excited for this summer. It may seem throwaway and a bit bad, but I kind of want to get out there and do things. Kiss people. Be FREE. I can, after all; nothing’s stopping me but the thought that I might be taking things too fast. When will I get the next chance, though? This summer is stress free and I’m glad of that.

Also, who DOESN’T love and cringe about an embarrassing story from me?

Has anthing interesting happened to you guys lately? What do you think about me posting about all this?

From Elm šŸ™‚

Screw the Hiatus for a Sec

Yeah, fuck the hiatus, this is important. I’m going to regret this post in the morning but whatever.

I’ll say it plainly. Rapunzel and I broke up – if you don’t know who she is, read my post called Happiness without a Catch (can’t be pissed to link it because rebel).

I need to first say that she was so damn lovely about it. She was on the phone with me and said it in the nicest way possible – you KNOW someone knows you well when they tell you not to blame yourself for anything, and then SUCCEED in not making me think I’m a shit person. That takes skills šŸ˜€

I’m not sure why I put that last bit. Also Rapunzel if you’re reading this, don’t read this paragraph because it might make you feel shit, and I couldn’t ever want that. But I will be honest with you guys; I feel absolutely shit but that’s unavoidable. My eyes are VERY painful but you know what? It’s okay, because in all the break-up scenarios that could have happened, that was the best.

This was the kindest. I’m honestly happy that she told me, in the way she did. I know that she’s still going to be there for me and I for her; stuff won’t change that. We still feel the same about each other and that’s okay, because we’ll both be okay.

I won’t go into details about my feelings right now because they’re fresh and raw and painful, and I don’t want this post to be overly negative. Also, I don’t want to guilt-trip her by accident; she’s so fabulous and has such a kind heart it astounds me. She’s also sensible as fuck.

I don’t hate her. I’m not happy, but I could never be angry. Yes, I feel a little like everything’s just exploded in fire and blood and anguish, but I’m SO much more calm than I thought. I’d be.

All in all? I will be okay. I won’t let this affect my exams, but I’ll be able to deal with the pain in my own way. I hope you guys are doing amazingly.

I thought I’d tell you because you deserve to know. You’ve all watched me through the various stages of my love life, my breakdowns and shrieking moments, so it’s only natural that I tell you; plus, I NEEDED to post about it. I have other things to tell you, but that can wait until the half term, or until the exams are over.

I’ll grow from this, and maybe now it feels awful, but at some point it’ll feel okay. I’ll be able to cope and I’ll be fine, truly fine, and I’m going to hold onto that hope.

Love from Elm šŸ™‚

Happiness without a Catch

I won’t do the whole, “I’m scared you’ll judge me for this,” because I know you won’t because you’re you.

As you guys know, I went to blind camp on Wednesday and got back yesterday, and it was honestly amazing. I said I’d be nervous to see Hazel, but really, it wasn’t JUST her that I was truly nervous, happy and all those lovely emotions, to see. I’ll call the girl Rapunzel, because it’s an inside joke between us.

She and I have been internet friends since September – I originally knew her through a friend, but then we became friends (on the 27th of September to be exact) and went from horrifically formal to “OMG YASSSS ASDFGHJKL” in the span of about 3 messages. There was a time in about December where we didn’t speak much (sad times) but then we’ve been talking for the last 2 months. She helped me so much with the Aspen situation, when I felt confused and upset at the end of the relationship. And YES – before you say it – I got feelings for her.

I’m sorry for not telling you all before, but I couldn’t say how I felt until now, because she reads. this. Also, if you’re from real life and don’t know about this, I’m sorry. Consider this me telling you, because I trust everyone who reads this.

We met on Wednesday for the first time, and we hugged so hard and were shaking like mad. (I swear, whenever I experience high emotion, I shake like a leaf). Also, she’s SO BLOODY TALL. It turns out we were sharing a room with Hazel, and seeing both of them was amazing. Hazel’s still the same, and lovely as ever, but there were no romantic feelings towards her. Everyone there was so nice; I didn’t dislike anyone like I usually do.

On the first night, we got 5 hours of sleep – on the second, we got 7 (Hazel went to sleep first and then Rapunzel and I stayed up for 2 hours) and on the third, we got 3 accidental hours of sleep. YES IT’s A THING SHH. On the third night, there were 6 girls in our room and we all chatted and laughed, and once they left, the three of us stayed up until 2, talking about life and love and everything in between.

I had a suspicion (HAHAHAHAHA) that Rapunzel had feelings for me, because when we talked on facetime before the camp, she spoke about a mysterious girl who she thought, and wanted, something to happen with. She was pretty damn sure something would happen, because I’m literally the most obvious person when it comes to having feelings for someone. I was still nervous, though, as I always am.

It was on that first night that we kissed, at 3 o’clock in the morning. I couldn’t sleep, switched my phone on and she heard, and came over to me. We lay there for ages, foreheads touching, and we eventually kissed (no idea how it happened but I’m so glad).

The next day, we spoke so much (when we went bowling, between lessons, whenever we could) about everything. On the second night, when Hazel was asleep, we talked about us (in between laughing at some truly strange sounds coming from the bathroom next to our room). I asked, so awkwardly that it makes me cringe, “So, um, would you like to be my, er, girlfriend?” I had felt miserable earlier, because it was Ash’s birthday, and she had held me. I honest to god nearly cried, both from the sadness and that she was there and telling me it would be okay, that I would be okay.

One thing is that I never want to rush into things. The amount of times I said, “Is this okay? Are you SURE? Seriously, tell me if it isn’t,” were legendary. I didn’t hate myself or feel fear, or confusion, and I NEVER questioned if I deserved it or if I should just stop because I was an awful person. I felt, and feel, SO happy. Doing maths revision for 3 hours today made me feel so positive, and I didn’t panic at all.

We both know that it’s going. to be difficult because of the distance – she lives 4-5 hours away from me – but like she said, “If we both put in the same effort, it’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” I know that I can be honest with her, and I’m not nervous of saying things in real life .

Having simple happiness can make your day. I want to tell you – it’s OKAY to live in the moment, to seize it, and to do things that make you happy. Sometimes it’s good to not think about the future, but know for now that you’re happy. In every situation, there’s something that you learn about yourself, but also a piece of advice that I like to tell you.

I just want to see where this goes. There will be high times, and low times, and that’s okay. Just know that whatever happens, I’m still going to be. here. YOU can go out there and do something incredible, and don’t be scared of doing something you previously thought had no hope.

For now, I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I really think I can do this – relationships, exams, revising, smiling, laughing.

I hope you’ve had an amazing day, and week. You deserve it so much.

From Elm šŸ™‚

Girls or Boys or Whatever, you know?

Sometimes, I want a relationship with a girl.

NO! That didn’t come out right. One second…

So, I… Like, I suppose you’d say, or am attracted to boys or girls or any gender, really. Not that it matters – I’m saying it for context, I guess. Physically, I’m attracted to both sexes. (Why am I labelling my sexuality like this? I am who I am. Much deep philosophy here).

But I’ve never had a “romantic” experience with a girl. “Saying that, my “romantic” experiences with boys aren’t much to go by, but I’ve had some.

I miss Cassia and Hazel so much sometimes it hurts. Cassia more, because FRANCE and that’s all I’ll say. She never confirmed she was attracted to girls, but the point is, it could have gone somewhere.

It’s not that I WANT a relationship with a girl. I don’t WANT a relationship with a boy; I’m not going to actively seek either. If something comes along, I’ll take it. If I get attracted to someone, so be it; I won’t complain.

The point is, I want to know what it’s like. In a way, I want to know what it’s like to like a girl and have her liking you back. (Not that that’s happened much with boys, but enough with my pity party shit).

Do you understand what I’m trying to say? And do you get that, too? Because I’ve never done much physically with ANYONE, but I have with boys more than I have girls (let me laugh for a second here).

It’s a mix of curiosity and realising I have the capacity to love ANYONE, regardless of gender.

Hmm… I’m so glad I’m getting back into the swing of things now. It’s bloody freeing.

Thanks for everything, guys.

What do you think about all this? What’s your sexuality, and are you comfortable with it? Because no matter what, you’re a person, regardless of who you like or don’t like. I’m not the best motivater for this kind of thing, but I try.

From Elm šŸ™‚