My Hilarious Excuse Of An Update

hey, everyone!

I know I haven’t posted in forever, and that’s because I only got solid Wifi yesterday. Also, the Wi-Fi doesn’t work on my computer, mainly because I’m actually using data. Ooh, rebel, I know.

As a sort of replacement, I’ve given you this… Interesting voice recording. I sound like a bloody squirrel, and I think I ramble too much, but at least its something. I’m a bit frustrated, too, because I wrote two posts I was really proud of. Oh well: maybe I’ll get to post them, so at least they’ll be up.

You can listen to the recording here. The irritating noise in the background is the fan, but the option of turning it off is basically zero. I’m not boiling myself just for the sake of having the room silent πŸ˜€

I hope you’re having an amazing day! I’m probably going to go to bed soon, because I’m exhausted. my voice is also dying a bit, too.

From Elm πŸ™‚

“God, I’m Scared of You Now!”

6 words.

6 words that are cycling through my head – which I heard, 3 minutes before I started writing, from my mother as she walked out of my room and closed the door, saying “What the fuck?” as she did so.

1 minute later, I put my hands around my throat and squeezed until I felt sick, then got that awful hollow feeling where my world flips upside down.

Scared of me.

She was plaiting my hair, because she likes to do that – it’s one of the things I let her do without turning all psycho violent on her because I’m a stupid fuck. Afterwards she said something like, “Should we put something on your face?” whilst she looked at it. By that I mean, put some cream on to clean my skin up.

And I said, in this horrible, dismissive voice, “Oh, I’ll do it later,” whilst my body stiffened and I acted so hostile that now, I want to burn something. I got defensive, angry, snapped at her because I hate my face on occasion anyway.

There’s no excuse. Whilst I’m sitting here, I’m shaking, with what feels like disgust and IS disgust crawling through my veins. I’ve never looked at it, but really, I treat her like shit.

And why?

Simple: or, well, not. I hate actually admitting that I’m a terrible person, or that I treat people unfairly and horribly, because I try to act nice. Not the aggressor, or the terrifying unhinged daughter who scares her mother.

Scared of me.

Oh, fuck. Who am I? Who am I that I’d treat my own mother like that, regardless of her personality? NO ONE deserves to be snapped at all the time, treated one day with happiness and the next with anger and sudden changes of mood. Obviously, I’m not the person I thought I was, because I do all of these things and it’s not fair on her. There’s no reason why I act like this; it’s just me, me thinking I have the FUCKING RIGHT to get angry when she wants to just clear up my skin which would make me happier, anyway.

I don’t know why. I feel sick with myself, REALLY sick, because on all the other occasions where I’ve felt this self-hatred, my mother said something slightly nasty to me – she might not have meant it, but that’s not the point. This time, it’s me. It’s my fault, and it can’t just be fixed by ignoring it.

Shitting hell I hate myself. I hate myself, I hate myself, hate hate hate and I’m becoming incoherent. Okay. Get a fucking grip.

My sister, mum and I are going out for dinner in about half an hour. I’ll have to apologise – HAVE to? No. I NEED to apologise. In every single argument we have, I always say sorry, even when it’s not my fault. Pity it is this time now, though, because I can’t hide under a rock and whinge that it isn’t REALLY me to blame, because it is.

I never thought I was capable of being so… Horrible. Mindlessly horrible, thoughtless, and prone to such anger. It’s upsetting me, and making me want to rip into my skin. I won’t, because it’s not worth it.

It’s strange – the level at which I’m overthinking, hating myself and then that I’m posting this. I’m scared. I’m scared of myself, like she’s scared of me. How can I pretend to be a good person when all I do is shout at my mother and act so viciously? It’s not what I’d want in myself and I make myself feel sick.

I’m really sorry. My sister wouldn’t understand, neither would my dad; I’m trying to actually DO something rather than wallow in hatred and let this carry on. Times are moving on, and I’m going to be left in the dust because I’m a girl who treats her relatives like utter crap, so I need to be better. I’ll try to hold onto the fact that people admire me, respect me and understand me. I need to be nicer and not be such a horrible, terrifying, worthless bitch.

But I’m scared. I’m so, so scared.

From Elm πŸ™‚

UPDATE: I just apologised to her, and she said it was fine – her exact words were “Don’t worry, it’s fine; you snap at me all the time anyway so I should be used to it!” I feel a little better, but not much honestly.

Little Heart, Beating

I’ve got a little heart, beating,
It stops and starts in fitful bursts,
It asks me why I cry:
I have no answer.

I’ve got a little heart, beating
To the rhythm of my pain,
Waiting for me to crack
So it can heal me, again.
It’s a song to fill the silence.

I’ve got a little heart, beating,
Fear and questions and nothing in between,
Curled in a corner with my hands trapped
In tight, knotted fists,
Giving me strength I can’t ever wield
To combat my dreamless dreams.

I’ve got a little heart, beating,
Shattered and waiting and lonely;
Writing mistakes on papery skin:
Telling me I’ll be okay
Will I be okay?

I’ve got a little heart, beating,
Asking if I’m worth this, telling me
I should just stop, give up,
Asking where I’ll go if it falls apart.

I’ve got a little heart, beating,
Not for me, but for another,
Pushing down feelings so I can be okay.

I’ve got a little heart, beating,
Coming second, always second,
A little child, wondering why.

I’ve got a little heart, beating,
With a hope that won’t fade.

So, that’s a poem-type thing. I hope I can explain what’s going on, maybe in a few days. But I’ll be okay – I needed to get this out. It’s attention-seeking I know, and I’m sorry.

I need to focus on revising, and building up my emotions. I’ll be posting tomorrow because IT’s MY BLOGIVERSARY, but after that, you might not see me for a while. (I know I always say that and then end up blogging, but shhhh).

I hope you’re okay. I will be, soon.

Sorry for the ambiguity in this post. I need to sort things out, really.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

I Shouldn’t be Ashamed

I started writing this in the last 15 minutes of my chemistry lesson, because I need to get this out. I really hate writing negative posts, but I set this blog up to get my thoughts out, so I won’t beat myself up or call myself attention seeking.

I got lost on the way to Chemistry today, and had – what I think – was a panic attack. I’m trying to tell myself it’s not disrespectful to say that.

I’ve refused to admit it to myself before, but I’m not close to anyone in my form (that’s the class I was put into at the very start of school; we used to have lessons together but now we’re doing GCSEs, we don’t). We have 20 minutes of form, but today we had a yearbook photo outside. After it was taken, we went upstairs to get our bags. My friend Pine had to stay behind because she had an Honours Tie (where you’ve done something exceptional in terms of sport or music and that kind of thing).

There’s a girl in my form called Daisy, who’s VERY good friends with Pine. She and I used to hate each other, but now, we don’t mind each other – she’s been quite kind to me over the last 2 years, and there is no point arguing with her when she’s not done anything nasty to me recently, and vice versa. I asked her, and Pine, if they could wait for me after Daisy went down to give Pine her bag.

They didn’t. I can’t blame them, but I remember going down the stairs and wondering if they’d be there – they weren’t – and feeling this horrific sense of loneliness, like I’ve not felt in such a long time that it was a shock.

My chemistry room is one of the rooms that’s difficult for me to find, because it’s always busy and it’s not at the end of a corridor. I decided, stupidly, to go and try and find it, and that’s when I realised I couldn’t catch my breath at all, and that I felt so upset and sick that I nearly burst into tears just walking down the first corridor.

There’s another corridor that you go down before you get to the science corridor – it’s got nothing much in it, but it’s always busy. I was finding it hard to breathe as I walked down it, as it got busier and busier – I was taking deep breaths that got quicker and quicker. This bit gets a bit confusing – I thought, if I leaned against the wall, I’d be able to clear my head and maybe someone would notice me – at the time, that was what I wanted. I did so, and I was shaking so hard as I felt my way forward because I felt too terrified to go away from it. A girl asked if I was okay – just a random girl, someone I’m sometimes wary of – and I said yes, but it was obvious I wasn’t. Several other people asked, and I completely panicked – I felt boiling all over, my vision had gone horribly blurry and I couldn’t tell where I was at all.

Luckily, Willow found me – I didn’t quite register it was her, until she grabbed my hands and spoke to me. She got me out of the building, calmed me down and then helped me to my classroom. When I was outside with her, I cried – partly out of embarrassment but also an awful fear. I really don’t know what I would have done without her – I had some half-arsed plan that I didn’t even think through. I’ve never felt so mortified about making a scene like that, or being so… Well, looking like I wasn’t okay to such an extreme.

When I went into the classroom, I acted like things were cool and that I’d just got lost. I’m guessing it was obvious I had been crying.

I’m okay now. Whenever I think about being in that corridor’ with so many people and my thoughts and vision narrowed down to a horrible wavering point, I start shaking a little. It’s not logical: things aren’t logical, though, when it comes to fear.

Being ashamed is wrong, for this situation, but I can’t help it. I made it so PUBLICLY obvious I wasn’t okay, that it made it feel like I was purposefully drawing attention to myself. I need to stop thinking about that, though, because now I realise I truly was scared (I remember the moments when I had to just stop and breathe, when I felt like tears were about to come pouring down my face).

I wasn’t okay, but I am now. I’m just shaken, because I never thought I’d be so scared. Before the self-hatred at my lack of independence starts, I’m going to end this post. Hope you don’t mind reading it.

I have to request this – people in real life are going to read this. If I don’t specifically talk to you about it, please, try not to bring it up. I actually can’t deal with it right now, because the feelings I had was so terrifying. Sorry.

If you’ve gone through a similar situation, or have panic attacks regularly – you’re in no. way alone. You have us, always.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Just by Being Me

I was much too upset earlier to blog – too upset to read blogs etc – but now I think I can post. I feel a little ill – I’ve got a bit of a cold – so le posting standard might be, um, shit.

The person who sits one seat away in physics makes me hate myself.

There. I said it. Not by being horrible – though I suppose in a way, he is but it’s not his fault – but just by the things he says.

In theory, I sit next to nobody in physics – there’s an empty chair, and then there’s him.

He asks Miss, every lesson, if he can have someone sitting next to him, because he needs a ‘learning buddy’. EVERY lesson, he sighs, because it’s so unfair he has no one sitting next to him. I get it, I really do.

Today, I felt ill. I couldn’t do any work, felt sick and angry and just URGH. We were going to have a test – except that we didn’t; it’s tomorrow. The teacher was asking people when she said the test was, and everyone said tomorrow (because it was true). He came in, and at that point, the teacher asked me and I said it was tomorrow.

“Oh, so you just go on what Elm says?” he said, walking past me to his seat. “I can’t ask when the test is, but it’s alright if she does?”

That cycled over and over in my head for ages, and my anger and pain stayed with me through the physics lesson. I felt too miserable to do my work – I couldn’t do the simplest questions – and with every “Oh, I don’t damn understand this!” I felt worse, and worse, until every time he spoke I wanted to cry and scream and just disappear.

Right now, I despise myself, in a way. The guy is popular, funny, and A DECENT PERSON – and yet, I can’t stand him. It’s not even bad, but every time he says he needs a learning buddy, I think I’m not good enough. It makes me feel stupid, worthless, AWFUL, like I’m too disabled and too blind for him, and I DON’T run in the same social circles. Like there’s something about me that’s wrong, and every time the teaching assistant next to me says “Hey Elm, why don’t you work with him on this?” or asks the people behind me to help me, I snap and hate myself for THAT.

And shit, I’m crying. I just don’t understand what I can do to make me seem less… STUPID, unsociable, etc. I KNOW I don’t talk in lessons much, because usually I’m panicking over not being able to do work. I KNOW I can be snappish and have blank looks on my face or just not engage but I’ve TRIED to engage and I just can’t.

Other people in my physics class are nice. They’d sit by me but he’s better than me, more sociable so they’d talk to him – and if Miss got one of my friends to sit by me, like she did once before with Red, he’d say it was unfair and that HE needed a learning buddy. What he doesn’t understand is that I hardly ever have a fucking ‘learning buddy’ anyway because teaching assistants always sit by me.

I’ve got that feeling, that I used to have when I was a kid, when I’m just wondering “Why don’t they especially LIKE me?” Not hate. He doesn’t hate me. He just doesn’t think I’m good enough, engaging enough, friendly enough – and that I always get special treatment from the teacher. I honest to God nearly started crying in the middle of the lesson, because I felt sick with myself and I wanted to leave and get out of there and just disappear forever because when he speaks like that, and when he sighs and says it’s unfair whenever the teacher makes someone sit in their usual place, it makes me feel like I am nothing.

He MAKES me feel like I’m awful, and that I have to change myself – I know that’ll pass, but I hate being labelled as the unsociable fuck who’s not a good learning buddy. I just don’t care, and part of me wishes I could just be more NORMAL, fit in more, but that is SO STUPID.

I won’t say life’s not fair. I won’t scream and cry, because this is just what I have to deal with. In the end, his opinion doesn’t matter. It just upsets me now.

He doesn’t realise that he hurts me emotionally every time he makes a comment – they’re not HORRIBLE comments, but when they happen, I feel shit because there’s only one person who sits behind me who I can somewhat carry on a conversation with, but not when HE’s around or the others. As attention-seeking as this is, I feel so damn alone when I’m trying to tell myself that I’M NOT AWFUL or stupid.

Self-hatred is something I’ve had for a while – not SERIOUSLY, but now and again when things get to me. I won’t exactly lie to you guys, or make it out to be worse than it is. But things like this just MAGNIFY it, making me unable to do a lot of things for the rest of the day.

Sorry – I needed to get that out.

I hope you’ve had a great day, and sorry for not reading ANYONE’s posts, really, recently.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I Want to Live First

Very depressing post, but it gets more hopeful later on.

I’m shaking and I feel so sick, and the thing is, I brought this on myself.

I’ve spent the last half hour watching youtube videos about death. About people’s last words, and recorded police phone calls, and GOD, why did I do that?

I’m scared of death. I’m scared of MY death, of other people’s deaths, of witnessing death, of losing people, and of being in pain. Usually I never think about this, and I put it out of my mind, and death is something that happens to all of us.

When will I die? I don’t want to die in agony. I don’t want to be a person on a plane that crashed, that you hear about – “All 200 passengers on this aircraft lost their lives.” I don’t want to be shot in a dark alleyway by a vindictive killer. I don’t want to be lured somewhere and killed. I don’t want to die in a bomb attack, terrified out of my mind.

I don’t want to die NOW.

I’m so scared now, thinking about it, thinking about all the possibilities. You hear about people dying, all the time, and you don’t consider that they had lives. A lot of people, at the point of death, DON’T want to die. They want to live.

I want to live. I want to smile, laugh with my friends, instead of sitting here – nearly in tears – and thinking about when I’ll die and the total paralysing fear of it.

I want to have experiences, to make the most out of my life, and NOT be terrified that it’s going to end. I want to help people, to make people happy, and not contemplate death like I am now.

Living is something I NEED to do. Making the most out of my life, and being as happy as I can; seizing every opportunity and then growing up with those experiences.

I hope that you’ll get something out of this – not that you should be terrified of death, but that you should live for NOW. The present is all we have at any given moment, after all.

I’m 1 in 7 billion, just ONE, with a whole life ahead of me and more memories to make then are conceivable to my mind. All I need to do is be happy, and live.

So I will.

From Elm πŸ™‚

What is it with these negative posts DAMNIT

I’m scared.

I’m scared because I’m angry and I feel sick and I’m so so so incredibly angry. I don’t like anger. It hurts to hell, and just why now?

I can’t summarise my thoughts, because I hate writing this, and thoughts are funny things.

Right, I shouldn’t. I just shouldn’t. It’s illogical and I want to SCREAM, and why the FUCK am I posting this?

I hate negativity with ME. People should genuinely, and I do mean that, FOCUS ON OTHER THINGS THAT AREN’T ME. This is just me screaming my thoughts onto a screen.

I feel like I’m whining. Scratch that, I AM whining because there’s nothing to be angry about, nothing to be miserable about, like my heart’s tearing in two and I just can’t. I feel like I’m not allowed, when everyone has worse problems, when I’m trying to do so many things and I’m overloaded and then BAM, I freak, and this shit comes out. Kinda pathetic.

Am I doing this for attention, because I’m attention-deprived, because I’m throwing a hissy fit, GOD I hate I just HATE damnit, I can’t say I hate myself any more.

What. The. Hell. People are gonna worry, so why am I posting this, I don’t want attention, I don’t want I JUST DON’T WANT, and RL people are reading this and they’ll ask me and I swear I’m actually making no sense. It’s funny when I think about it because whenever I do this it just ends up with me disgusted because I wrote THIS shit.

What’s the purpose of doing this? Is it to get my thoughts out, when I’m still so upset and so miserable, and I have been throughout the day, and I’m overreacting to GOD KNOWS WHAT. I wish I could formulate this in a sensible order. My heart hurts.

I’m violent and I upset people without knowing. I don’t WANT to do that and guilt fucking kills. I have no right at all. To say I’m angry, to say I want to punch something, to scream, to say life isn’t fair, to say I’m SAD. Why? Because I need to focus my attention on helping other people.

I am doing everything wrong, and I can’t even say that any more because I’m NOT. That’s so unfair. I’ve got to the point where thinking about myself sends me into a whirlwind of thoughts.

This is selfish. Pointless. Attention-seeking because other people deserve your love right now. They deserve to be comforted and I’m here, bitter and angry and writing a BLOG about it.

How the fuck are people able to put up with me like this? Why can people stand me, when I go from happy to manically angry in a post where I yell at the world?

And DAMN IT, why can’t I just help other people without then whinging and posting something negative on my blog which will make other people feel shit, and then pity me, when there are so many others out there who need you, more than me?

I want you to go out there and speak to someone. Ask them how their day is – it’ll make them happy. Smile at them, or if they’re going through a rough patch, tell them that no matter what, you’re going to stick by them. Go out there and do something amazing, because you all deserve to smile.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I’m an Unexplained Wreck

I just hate everything.

No, I DON’T hate everything. I’m just sad.

I’m so, so sad. I’ve got something that feels like a weight on my chest, my heart, and I’m SO DAMN UPSET and I have no idea why.

This probably seems out of the blue, and I haven’t done one of these in a while. I’m sorry. I wish I felt okay. I wish I WAS okay enough, and I wish I could pretend everything was fine. In fact I CAN, because everything is fine and I’m just being so FUCKING DRAMATIC again. God.

I’m fake. I pity myself, then whine about my problems; I’ve got nothing to be miserable about. This is a fucking ridiculous post.

I’m a shit friend. I’m a terrible person. And I DON’T KNOW WHY, I just have this crawling, hateful feeling, and I know people will say I’ll be okay and it’ll make me feel okay for a while.

It’s funny, because I’m not even being true to myself here. I just think I’m not a nice person, which ISN’T news, but everything’s snapped and I feel sick.

Why do I do this? Why do I lock myself into a loop? I feel like everything’s hopeless, pointless, stupid, WORTHLESS, that I’m all of these things and then some. What the fuck is the point in having friends, doing well, BOTHERING? Why am I saying this?

I’ve been sitting here for the past hour, trying to get these feelings AWAY from me, trying to cheer up. It’s failed and I just want to stop, now, and let everything fade into the background.

I haven’t done enough revision over the half term. I haven’t done enough homework. I haven’t payed attention to my friends, or tried hard enough, or been bothered to try. I’ve got a sick feeling in my chest and it’s my fault. I should be able to do this by now.

It’s all so insignificant. I don’t know what to do with my time, with my life, or anything. If I carry on like this, I’m going to get nowhere, but how do I stop? I feel like life’s running away with me, all the time, and I’m helpless but I’m NOT, I’M NOT, I CAN DO SOMETHING BUT WHAT?!

Everything’s happening too fast, too soon, too much. Exams, stress, friends, ME, me being shitty, me posting this shit, me making things about myself. All so damned pointless and I doubt it’s true anyway; I’m making excuses for feeling sad for no reason.

Why can’t I just get a grip and stop acting like a pathetic fuck – why is it that I can’t be happy and why I’m panicking, why I’m saying to myself I’m going to fail?

In the background, I despise myself, because I’m lazy and WON’T do anything and there’s too much. It’s absolutely pathetic and I’m making EVERYONE WORRIED.

Why can’t I get that happiness from yesterday? And now WHY THE Hell do I feel empty?

I’m so sorry, guys. I am acting so negatively and that’s not the image I want to show you, but it’s me right now. I hope you’re all okay, and sorry I’m posting this attention-seeking bullshit again.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Some Days

Do you ever get those days where you just…

Feel like shit? Absolute, mind-numbing CRAP? Yup.

I’m feeling better now, and I really don’t want to talk about it, because there’s nothing TO talk about. I’m just… UGH. I feel weak as shit, and it was worse throughout the day.

Again, y’know those days that are just a mess, when things go to hell, when you want to curl up into a ball? Wahoo…

Sorry for the screwed up writing style; I’m just exhausted. TOO tired to do much, really.

So, this post is a sort of random piece o’ crap. Just me being me and chatting.

I really want to post about something, soon, but I’m scared I’ll get judged?! As in, I’m scared of people thinking certain things about me. MEH. I really shouldn’t, but I do.

Also, I have a thing I want to ask for advice on later; I need to get the go-ahead from a friend first. You know who you are muahahaha.

How has your day been?

From Elm πŸ™‚

The Universe Has OBVIOUSLY Turned Sideways

A few days ago, I thought something that shocked me nearly into the next century.

I need to do some sort of sport.

No, SCRATCH THAT: I WANT to do some sort of sport. Yeah, you can faint now, because I just admitted to WANTING to do exercise. Elm, the most reluctant person in the world, who HATES all forms of exercise. Yup. I’m in shock, too.

It’s just, I’ve had enough. I’ve had ENOUGH of feeling unfit and getting short of breath when I exercise. And of course, there’s the whole thing about it calming you down and making you concentrate more which helps with exams and that kind of thing. I want to be active because god knows I NEED that, as I haven’t been in recent years. Or ever.

There’s a reason why I hate exercise, or the thought of doing it, and it’s probably because I never had or never could be bothered to take that opportunity. Oh here comes the awkward part where I bring my blindness into it, though it has no business here.

There’s sports that are specially adapted for us blindies (CRINGE why did I say that?) like football, cricket, goalball etc, but they’ve never interested me. Not sure why. Running is an issue because I have to get guided, and I’ve NEVER been confident with swimming. I SHOULD be, but I never have been; partly because of le lack of sight (NO EXCUSE) but mostly because I started late and always had lessons with those younger than me, which caused me to have horrific embarrassment.

I want to do something where I can truly do it, with little help – I won’t say no help because I’ll need guidance a little. Judo maybe, or rock climbing. The latter would be good – Y’KNOW WHAT FUCK IT, I’m looking into it.

Climbing’s not a TRADITIONAL sport, not like running or cycling or football, but it’s something I can do. I tried it once before but quit, STUPIDLY, and I need to take it up again. I’m more confident then, because it’s something I can concentrate on without relying on people to literally guide me, like in running.

I just need to get passed the issue of confidence because I hate people seeing me exercise, as in I really hate it, especially when it’s something I WANT to be good at.

To be honest, I want to say I can do it. I want to achieve it, and get healthier; I’m way too thin but I need to be more in shape. For god’s sake, I don’t even care about the “I’M BLIND AND Can DO SPORT!” because that’s old and everyone knows that we can so it’s not exactly a revelation.

It’s time I actually made a damned effort instead of doing nothing. You know, it might even make me more productive. I like routines, and I’m getting better at organising myself too.

From Elm πŸ™‚