Dear the Boy Who Hurt Me | An Anonymous Letter

Trigger warnings: sexual assault, abuse.

This is a letter written by an anonymous person who asked me to post it here in order to help others who have gone through a similar ordeal. I have changed nothing from the post they sent me; these are all their own words.


This is my reality of how I was sexually assaulted at the beginning of this year. It was a bretrayal of a best friend. I myself have a blog that you may know of but I don’t want people to know that I’m the girl who was abused so I asked my friend, Elm, to publish it for me to help others or to help myself be able to feel a little more at ease. Just love and respect one other.

* * *

Dear boy who hurt me,
I call you a boy because that’s all you are. A boy. You aren’t a man even how much you think highly of yourself. Or how people around you feel hindered around your loud presence. Even though you’re taller than the most authority figures in my life like my father, your height doesn’t make you a man and the way you treated me made me feel like a little girl.

On several occasions, you would message me or frankly, just plainly say it to my face with this stupid and patronising smile that I was a ‘good girl’ when I gave up and froze. Good girl. It made me feel like a dog almost, like I had no significance to others apart you and your dick. Good girl. It makes me generally feel like there is a sick pit in my stomach gurgling at the word. Good girl. When I hear that word, my heart fills up with a strong emotion; sadness or guilt? I can’t tell.

The moment I closed my eyes last night, I saw your sofa. The red one where in the beginning of our friendship, we used to hang out; drink coco cola, play the PS4 and listen to each other’s worries. I loved your sofa; it represented relaxation at it’s highest. I used to feel relaxed with you.

Last September was when there was a defining line between before and after. September I felt like I had no one around me apart from you, the boy who hurt me. It was a relief to go out for our walks where we would slag off the people who hurt me. You knew I was beginning to lose what I once thought men were. Especially after what my father had done to me and my family. And in December, it was a breaking point.

After my breakup in December, I was in a pretty difficult place. I lost something which I had for a year and a half where I belonged to someone and then, he belonged to someone else straight away after we broke up. You used that. A few hours after saying a sad good bye to another boy that I loved, you would help me get through it with our late night talks in KFC where your jokes and charisma would cheer me up.

The first time is the most clear to remember. The first time when you sexually assaulted me and mentally abused me. In my dream, it went through the events again where you would manipulate me to the red sofa. The beginning of the first time started like how we always used to hang out. We would go to yours and just chill out with other friends. However, this time you pretended to invite others so it wouldn’t cause any suspicions or weirdness about me coming over. The moment I sat down on that sofa, it felt strange. You kept looking over at me with this weird look in your eye almost like a puppy but not cute at all. Sorry wrong description. It was more hunger and madness like you had to have me. Well you’re wrong. You didn’t have to have me.

When you picked me up with your big lanky hands all over me, I told you to get off. It was as simple as that. However, I had this thought in my head that I didn’t want to offend you as you were my best friend and I didn’t want to lose another person. But, however calm my voice was, it was clear that I didn’t want you. But you continued. Sometimes, I touch my lips with hate and disgust how drops of your spit was forced onto my lips and my body. How you forced my top up and grabbed my skin like it had no value.

The next morning after the first time, seeing my body was difficult. In anyone else’s eyes, nothing had changed. Many a few purple bruises around my chest but nothing that would change someone’s attitude. When I managed to look in the mirror, I saw a different person. A person who was stupid. Was pathetic. Was worthless. A person who deserved it.

You apologised to me and I forgave you. I felt like maybe I gave the wrong signals and that, it’s just a misunderstanding. So that’s why I met up with you.

The second time. A time which is harder to think about. This time my other friend couldn’t make it to yours. Let’s just say this time was more aggressive. You grabbed my hands and forced them down you. It was explicit. You showed off, you thought I was impressed by your dick and that I was trying hard to get. I said no, no, no. ‘My dad is going to be here soon’, ‘Look, I’m not good at this’, ‘I’m on my period’, ‘I haven’t shaved.’ Anything to stop you. I remember the moment I froze. It was when I felt my hand cramp under the intense force of your hand and you made me touch you. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and in my head, I still wasn’t annoyed with you. I just felt sad and alone.

But I made it clear that I didn’t want to and that’s what confuses me. You knew I didn’t want to. You even messaged me saying sorry and we even decided that we would just be friends and that I won’t be going to yours any time soon.

The third time. We went to Mcdonalds. I was talking to another boy that I liked. You even said that you weren’t going to ruin that for me. The third time was a few weeks after the second time and I repeatedly told myself that the other times were my fault and that I shouldn’t have given off the wrong signals. After our burgers, you demanded for me to come over…even shouting at me in the middle of the fast food place. I said no and laughed it off…did you seriously think I was going to come over after what had happened previously?You did know but you also knew that I don’t like hurting people. You threatened to message the boy that I liked about the other times and you knew I wouldn’t explain to the other boy what actually happened because I didn’t believe myself that I was sexually assaulted. All I felt was guilt. So I went to yours.

I don’t like talking about what happened the third time. I find it agonising even thinking about it. The moment I got to yours, you grabbed me by the throat where I found it hard to breathe. You pressed down hard on my neck to force my head to go down to your crotch. You gripped my breats under my t-shirt which you commented ‘You’re skinner than I thought you would be’. You got your fingers inside my trousers. You blocked the door so I couldn’t get out. You ignored my screams for you to stop. You ignored how I cried and collapsed under you.

Even after that, I still feel guilty. Despite what my counsellor says and what my friends say, I feel like I deserved it. But I know, deep down inside, I didn’t do anything wrong. I just wanted to have a friend there with me.

You are a dick. A massive one. You think yourself as a man with your low voice and being the tallest boy in the school. You are just a boy. You know what you’ve done and now, you like to show off about it.

You’re sick.

And even though, I feel damaged. I’m getting better. I do have someone that respects me now. I, now, look into the mirror and see someone who is strong and deserves love.

Yes. I do still need to do more work. I do feel that guilt or sadness still but I understand that what you did to me isn’t my fault at all but yours; it was your cowardly act.

So, the boy who hurt me. I’m not going to stay hurt forever. And I’m happy to move on but also, say good bye to your face forever.

Bye,
The young women who you abused.

A WARNING TO ALL BLOGGERS

Okay.

I’m going to say this straight out.

If you are offended by pictures of penises and vaginas, DO NOT go on to the teen tag.

A blogger who is unfortunately well known to me, and to a lot of us, has returned once more from being banned, several times. He has gone under names such as malenude, 11inchhung and alwaysnaked – and now, hugemonstercock. There is also a site by the name of Adultville who has posted a picture of a vagina, on the teen tag.

If you look on these sites and are negatively affected, I’m very sorry. You shouldn’t ever have to feel like that.

I am naming these sites because this needs to stop.

This needs to stop because this nearly reduced my friend to tears.

This needs to stop because people are being affected by this, in ways that the sick, twisted creators of these sites cannot imagine.

This needs to stop because these people have been abusing others.

This needs to stop because THIS IS ILLEGAL. You are breaking the law.

I was warned against posting this because these people may start sending me abuse. I do not care. People need to be warned of this – and I may not be the best person to warn people of this – but I am saying this nonetheless.

If you want to post these pictures, mark your site as mature. Put a warning ON YOUR SITE. And most of all, do NOT post this on the teen tag, where people who are UNDER AGE will be exposed to things that they don’t want to see.

If you ARE reading this, you probably will just carry on because doing this kind of thing is your goal. But I hope you know that this is disgusting.

Even if it makes no difference, I’m going to be reporting that content. I’m not a knight in shining armour. I’m doing what I need to do to make people feel less uncomfortable and less sickened.

I can’t see those pictures, and I have no idea what effect this has on my friends because I can’t experience the same thing that they are experiencing. What I CAN see is their reactions. What I CAN see is that people don’t want this.

Let me say this again: this is illegal. To send nude pictures to those that are underage is breaking the law.

I’m not being very responsible right now by posting this, but at least I can admit that.

This has been going on for a long time, and it needs to stop.

Thanks for reading.

What the Hell did I Just Do?!

I’m in shock. Complete shock. My heart’s still going at a million miles an hour and oh god, I’m a complete idiot.

So you know that yesterday, Palm broke up with me. Yesterday. Remember that, YESTERDAY.

And today, well, I-

For FUCK’s SAKE.

So my two friends came round to my house today – both blind and known them for years. There was K, who is 13 and… S, who’s my age. I’d use tree names but with K, I think he has a blog and S… I honestly can’t think of one that fits.

They stayed from 9:30 till 5 and to put it simply, we talked a lot. As the time progressed, I eventually held S’s hand a lot and got close with him and I’m cringing just writing this. There’s something wrong with me; I feel like a slut or some derogatory word like that.

There was a sort of buildup of emotion in me. K kept joking that S and I should get together and I was sort of wanting K to go to the loo for a few minutes by the end of it so I could see what happened, but then I didn’t because K is great and he shouldn’t need to feel he had to give us “alone time”.

Point is, a few minutes before we went to the train station, K DID go to the loo and, er, oh shit.

S and I kissed. I think. I don’t even know. I initiated it and fuck, WHY did I do that?! He didn’t object but I was horrified at myself and I don’t know HOW it happened.

Like I genuinely don’t know what I did, or how to describe it, or whether it was what people normally do and CRAP. I should have remembered it because for god’s sake, it was my first proper one – or was it? WAS IT?! I don’t know if I should count it.

He said he’d miss me before and AFTER it happened. Still can’t believe I did that, what the hell, I’m ELM, ELM, ELM! I’m not who you’d usually expect to have casual shit with people!

And then afterwards I felt so miserable when K and him left: K because K’s one of my good friends and I don’t get to see him that often, and S because of what had happened.

We talked about it just now and he said he was glad I did it but am I glad I did it? I think so.

Look, I don’t have strong feelings for him. I don’t WANT a relationship because I am still screwed up by the last one WHICH FUCKING ENDED YESTERDAY, what is wrong with me!

When people read this, they’ll probably say it shows I wasn’t committed to Palm but the thing is, I was, and that’s why I think I did it. I think S and I kissed for the sheer hell of it, or something, I don’t know, help me?

Oh god, I have no idea what to do. I REALLY don’t want a relationship. I often used to think that flings and “hook-ups” were awful, but ever since I went to France last year and this year (this year more) I realised it’s not TOO bad, but I thought I wouldn’t be the type of person to have one but I am. I am. I AM.

I shouldn’t have done it? Or is it okay? I feel like people should be disgusted with me, because I am a little with myself. Yesterday. And then today I just couldn’t stop myself at ALL. And I WANTED to do it, because I like him.

And now I feel guilty as hell because K is upset for some reason and I think he thought he shouldn’t have been in the way, which is bullshit because I’m so glad they were BOTH there.

Can someone please give me advice? I’m sorry to ask this of you all but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t really need advice on getting into a relationship with him, because I’ve already decided I don’t want to, but is that okay? Is what I did okay? Am I awful?!

Okay, breathe. BREATHE.

But if I saw him again I’d want to kiss him again or actually do that properly rather than the thing we did which, I don’t know what it was because I’VE NEVER DONE THIS PROPERLY BEFORE!

I need to calm down. I’m just scared I’m a terrible… Thing. Slut, slag, whore, user, fucker-around-with-emotions, whatever.

From Elm :/

NO NOT AGAIN!

OKAY. What is this even-

Right. I’m in France as a lot of you know.

I think I’ve mentioned him before, but there was a guy we knew last year that has come to this place, at this time – completely by coincidence. I call him the Farmer.

And yeah. I had a “thing” for him, because I thought that after everything that happened with Birch, I’d live a little.

Don’t get me wrong: Farmer’s great. Funny, etc, and he makes blind jokes (ALWAYS a bonus). But… Well, I got outdone by a girl from… Somewhere.

And I realised – well, I’m bothered, but I’m not THAT bothered. It’s okay, because he’s a bit of a… Flirt, anyway, and it was only a little feeling I have.

But NOW, I HAVE A PROBLEM.

BECAUSE MY REBOUNDING MIND DECIDED-

“Hmm…”
“No, you’re not doing this to me.”
“But all of the boys-”
“No, don’t do that JUST because none of the boys are availible or whatever! That’s not how it works!”
“But she’s nice.”
“Yeah, but do you like her because she’s THERE?”
“No no, she’s, um, nice and stuff and I held her hand earlier when she helped me stand up after we all went to the beach and I kept on holding it and-”
“Ugh, you’re HOPELESS!”
“But are we agreed that she’s really nice and that she probably doesn’t even like girls?”
“FINE! But I still say that you’re creating feelings out of nowhere.”
“Ohhh, bugger off.”

I… I’m screwed.

Let’s call the girl Cassia. She’s 16, from Wales, has a sister of the same name as me… I don’t know! HELP!

I’m attracted to her. WHY? WHY! WHY am I attracted to her?

She’s lovely, though. But like I said in my mind-conversation, do I like her because she’s there or because she’s HER?

Daaaaaamn.

What…?

Okay. I’m going to a foam party later (don’t know what it is) and she’ll be there (along with about a hundred other people). But we’ve arranged to meet (me, her, a girl from Scotland and the friend I’m in france with) at half nine (in 1 and a half hours).

Eek?

From Elm

The HELL! Bloglovin destroyed me

So, I’m going to be posting REALLY erratically.

I just got Bloglovin.

HOW DOES THIS THING WORK?! It doesn’t work with Voiceover argh.

But… I want to read blogs! PLEASE! I NEED to!

Ugh.

*cries* Is Bloglovin good? Someone give me advice!

From Elm ๐Ÿ˜€

The Gate Has Opened, The Stoppers Pulled Out, The… I’m just going with it

Posting twice in a row like this makes me feel weird.

So. I got thoughtful today, and that’s never a good sign.

One of my friends has a girlfriend (since about 10:30 this morning). I won’t say which one, because she might not want people to know (NO one from Rl who doesn’t already know reads this but whatever).

I’m extremely happy for them (HOW COULD I NOT BE?) but it got me thinking about my relationship, or lack of.

I have History tomorrow, with Birch. If you don’t know who HE is, he’s the guy with whom I am enamoured. Yes, I like proper grammar.

I’ve had enough.

Tomorrow is the last day. I won’t see him for six weeks.

I’m going to make the most of the hour we have. It’s extremely difficult for me to meet up with people in the holidays for various reasons (blindness, unindependence, living so far away from everyone) so that’s all I can do.

Tomorrow, I’m going to… Make my feelings clear. I’m still too scared of getting rejected to actually ask him – here’s why – and so, I won’t tell him outright. However, he should catch on.

I don’t care any more. Who cares if I get hurt? I want him to know. I want to savour what I HAVE and hold onto that. It’s what I SHOULD do, anyway; I need to live a little.

Perhaps I’m feeling suffocated now; I’m not sure. All I know is that I’ve just had enough of doing NOTHING.

For those of you wondering – yes, there will be banter. By banter, I mean…. What might be construed as ‘flirting’ if you are ANYONE who is not me. Yup. I feel like such a… I don’t even know.

But I need your advice. Should I do this? Should I just let go, for an hour?

CRAP! What if he’s not there? Literally what if he’s not there? What if something else goes wrong?

If he’s not in History tomorrow, I’m telling him how I feel.

Oh god. I’m going to have to hold myself to that, aren’t I?

I’m scared; just a little. Please help? This has turned into an Elm-freaks-out-completely moment.

THANK YOU! ๐Ÿ™‚

Tips for Years

So, Aiden nominated me for this pretty awesome challenge, which he found on a YouTube video – look at his post for more info.

Thank you, me ol’ chum ๐Ÿ™‚ You’re great.

The Rules:
1. Thank whoever nominated you (for the sake of being polite)
2. Give a list of tips/advice you’ve learnt over the years, going up to your age in numbers.
3. Nominate other blogs.

Elm’s Tips and Advice For Life

1. NEVER feel bad for thinking about yourself once in a while. You have to. It’s not selfish, so don’t think it is because then you’ll get in a loop.

2. That said, you have to establish a balance between helping others and helping yourself. If one starts to make you feel awful and stressed, give time to the other to balance yourself out.

3. When you’re going through some crap, try not to neglect your friends. They should understand if you don’t talk to them as much, but don’t completely ignore them because they’re there for you.

4. Don’t trap your feelings inside. Write them down somewhere, in a blog, or TALK to someone. It really does help; trust me.

5. If you want to do something, convince yourself you can. You need to do that FIRST, otherwise you won’t have the motivation.

6. Don’t feel guilty, or bad, for feeling a certain emotion. If you’re sad, you’re sad. If you’re happy, you’re happy.

7. People change – it’s a part of life – but you shouldn’t be expected to deal with it straight away. You NEED time, and give yourself that. Otherwise, it’s not fair on YOU.

8. When you do something wrong, don’t feel like crap if you can help it. Circumstances play a big part in what you do, but the wrong thing happened, and you can’t turn back time.

9. Try not to wish for “what ifs”. You get sucked into a whirlpool of “What would have happened if I’d done this?” Well, you didn’t. Simple as, as harsh as that sounds.

10. Everybody judges. You’re not immune, but that doesn’t mean people should shout at you for judging. You have the RIGHT.

11. Academics aren’t everything. A B may not be an A, but think about your PERSONALITY. People are lucky to have you as a friend and to many people, what you may lack in academia you MORE than make up for in being yourself.

12. It isn’t fair of people to demand respect when they give no respect in return. Remember that, so that you’re not constantly giving and NEVER receiveing.

13. If you feel a certain way towards someone – love them, hate them – tell them. It’s so, so painful to not know and think they hold feelings they don’t.

14. Don’t try to please people if they can’t be pleased. It’s a waste of your time.

15. Grab every opportunity you have with both hands, and don’t let go until you can’t hold on any more.

Hope you found that advice somewhat… Helpful?

The people I nominate are:

1. alternativesunnydays
2. Tiegan
3. Hann
4. thatknockoutchick
5. Sydney

Hope you enjoyed! ๐Ÿ™‚

Okay WHAT

Eh… This isn’t my grand ‘return’.

I need to ask you guys, as my readers and the aliens that crawl across my blog, a question.

(Might take some explanation first)

I read a pitiful amount of blogs today, but it’s a start. I just feel unhappy and panicked. I’m sorry. Looked at my reader and thought, “Oh god, I CAN’T do this, I’ve missed FOUR DAYS! The fuck is wrong with me?”

I feel like I’ve neglected everyone. I haven’t even checked out the blogs I WANTED to check out. I haven’t been checking up on my bloggy friends as much as I should, which is just plain NOT nice. And I have NO excuse. I’ve done fuck all; I don’t even feel like destroying myself like I did on Thursday and Friday; I’m fine. I felt happy yesterday when I went to town with my friends, but now I just feel weird, and empty. But now I’m more okay than I was. So why the hell have I not been reading?

I think I’ve just had enough of, well, everything. I get too panicked and I just think the world is useless sometimes, and when I think about the history test the Tuesday after next I just get UPSET. I don’t know.

But I WANT to post.

I feel guilty, though. I don’t NOT want to read blogs, but I just… Don’t because I have NO energy. That’s not fair. I shouldn’t not read and then write, and expect people to read it, as I haven’t read what THEY wrote.

Does that make sense?

Would it be alright if I posted stuff, without reading, just for a little while? I swear I’ll read more soon. It’s just I have work experience for a week tomorrow and, well, panic and shit like that.

What do you think?

Thanks. I dunno, I just guess I’m very out of sorts. I found a post today that was sad, and I wanted to give advice SO much, but I genuinely couldn’t. Don’t know why. I just feel useless and sick.

Sorry.

Anyway. Advice needed? Though it’s not fair of me to ask that of you, because I haven’t given any to you. That’s why I’m just a little upset/pissed off/unwilling to post.

Am i Me? What Am I?

My wrists feel bloody freezing and sort of… Floppy.

Er. That usually signifies a period of un-motivation.

When I say un-motivation, I mean: I don’t want to do homework. No – I mean, I physically can’t do homework. And that’s shit because, well, French, English, History… Too many. WAY too many.

I’m in that state between happiness and complete misery where I can feel the Ash memories below the surface but something’s stopping them from the things bombarding me with all that crap. I want to talk to Birch but then I just think, “What’s the point? There won’t be any substance to it.”

I want to write a story but again, I just think, “I can’t. I don’t… WANT to?”

It’s confusing. I don’t really know what I am right now. And yes, that sentence was purposeful.

I just feel really empty, which is odd because I had my music performance today which made me feel SO happy.

I’m so sorry – I can’t read blogs right now. I get panicked whenever I think about it. I WANT to, god I do, but I just feel really weird right now.

I’m not sad. Just so confused. I’m in the limbo area so anything could push me in either direction, towards happiness or complete… Shit.

I need to do something to prevent the latter option but to be honest, I just either don’t know what or can’t be bothered? Nah, that’s not it but I can’t place it.

I just feel so… Odd. I thought to myself today that I was so, so sick of everyone and I felt violently angry, and then my mood switched because music. I’m okay now. Just… Fuck’s sake, I don’t even know.

Later, I’m going to write a HAPPY post. About music. Yeah.

ARGH! I’m so lethargic, and apathetic towards just about everything. The HELL?!

I… Need cheering up. No, I need SOMETHING. Or someone. Or…

Love Triangles aren’t Bloody Romantic You Foolish IMBECILE!

Oh god oh god oh god oh god

Okay. OKAY! I need to calm down. Shall I go from the beginning?

I need your advice. I need your advice on – wait for it; wait for it-

Love.

Don’t throw up… I have a rather superficial and pathetic dilemma.

Okay. There are two boys (GAG why am I writing this?). Let’s call them… Ash and Cedar.

HAHAHAHA, see what I did there? Elm, Ash, Cedar… I’m not funny. Wow.

Ash: I’ve ‘fancied’ him for a year, and been in love with him for half that time. He’s honestly one of my best friends: we trust each other so much, and even if we’ve just recovered from an argument, we’re still friends. We still mean a lot to each other, and understand each other so much. He knows so many things about me, and I of him, that we can’t NOT understand each other. He’s brilliant, and I have serious feelings for him. Your classic teenage love shit.

Cedar: One month. Or so. As in, I’ve ‘fancied’ him for one month. Weirdly enough, I first started talking to him in science. WOW! Such cliche… Anyway: Cedar makes me happy. It’s sort of a laughing feeling, the kind you get when you’re really, really happy. It’s new, it’s different, it’s horrific, I hate it and it’s not serious. I hope.

The Cedar Situation

Yesterday, I went to the canteen to buy some lunch (because I forgot mine, yes, call me a moron). When I came back, I went to sit on the grass with my group of friends. Cedar was there, which was kind of unusual. I sat next to him, and we talked – at one point, he asked me if I wanted a flower. I took it, and as a piss take he took my cane (blind person stick thing WOW!) It’s difficult to describe exactly what happened, but I was so happy for the rest of the day.

I’ve got a friend – SCREW THIS! Let’s stick with the tree names. So, let’s call her Pine. I told Pine about the situation, and she was squealing and stuff like a lot of my friends do (blurgh).

She shares engineering with Cedar. Of course, she neglected to tell me earlier today (she actually told me in music, the last lesson of the day) THAT IN engineering, she’d asked Cedar if he had feelings for me. Aww, thanks, Pine… Still recovering from that one.

His response? “Um… Ish… Maybe… Yeah…” And the yeah was said really quietly. I have no proof apart from Pine’s word that Cedar said that, but WHAT THE FUCK?! What am I supposed to do?
The Ash Situation

Bloody hell. Right. So this happened yesterday, too.

I have ANOTHER friend (OI!) and let’s call her Willow. Willow shares a sociology class with Ash. They have that at the same time I have history (last lesson of the day) and after history, I go to meet Willow at her classroom. Yesterday, Ash and a few of the other boys were getting screamed at by the teacher (I swear she’s sexist, it’s awful). Like creeps, Willow and I listened, but the teacher saw us so we ran out of the doors. When we got outside, Willow literally started screeching and dashing about. Here’s why:

Ash sits next to a boy, called Cameron. Cameron asked Ash who he fancied, and they’d narrowed it down to the first letter of the first name, and that she was on our half of the year.

I just need to state: in real life, Willow and I both have the same first letter of our first name. So, Cameron was guessing. Three guesses later:

“Can’t you think of ANY other names beginning with E?” (I’m using E as an example).

Willow turned round. “I can think of PLENTY of names beginning with E,” she said, extremely pointedly.

According to her, Ash’s face drained of all colour, and he said, “Don’t help him!” She is now convinced he fancies me.

Oh god, I feel like such a show-off. “EYYY LOOK AT ME! Like 2 boys fancy me, OMG I’M SO POPULAR AND PRETTY AND-”

Blargh no. Sorry if it comes across that way; I don’t mean it like that. Truth be told, I’m terrified.

I’d go with Ash, any day. But I have NO proof he fancies me: in fact, he hasn’t been speaking to me recently, and most of our communication is. done via the internet. Sounds weird, but there ya go. So how am I sused to believe he loves me?

Cedar, though – the thing is, what if I pick ing ‘wrong’ one? What if I choose Ash, but it turns out he doesn’t fancy me, and then I ruin everything I had with Cedar? Bloody hell, that’s arrogant.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m terrified of asking them both, because what if Cedar asks me out? HAHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT. But what if he does? Am I completely misjudging this?

Any advice would be the best thing in the world. Sorry for the seriously long post!

I feel like such a slut or an arse. My teenaged problems are so insignificant!