My Blog In The Real World

A week before my first exam, I received an email which changed the way I look at my blog and which could lead to something exceptionally exciting. I’ve got permission from the people involved to post about it and so here goes!

This email was from a girl called Silva, who had found my blog whilst looking for ways to procrastinate revision, which I thought was absolutely hilarious. Silva comes from a school in Dorset called Bryanston, an independent school; it also has students who live there in a boarding school setting. In this school, there’s an Equality Society which is pretty much run by her. They discuss and debate issues pertaining to wider problems in society.

Because I have strong views on that which I express through my posts, Silva asked me if I would like to come to their school and speak to the Equality Society about inequalities I face in education as a result of my disability and how I’ve overcome challenges to do with it. She said that it was a “tall offer” and that it may be far-fetched but that she loved my content and thought it was just what they needed.

As I’m an incredibly put together, professional person, naturally I started screaming as soon as I had processed what was happening, which took about 5 minutes. It was 10 o’clock at night and I was so shocked by the email that I couldn’t have replied to it if I had tried; it was only the next day, at school, that I answered. For me, that was more important than revision at that stage. After all, when would this opportunity happen again?

Of course, my first thought was that it was a scam as I was disbelieving that anything so momentous could happen to me. However, I searched up the school, managed to work out how far I lived from it and heavily analysed the email to check for any inconsistencies. After surmising that there was a 99% chance it was legitimate, I began to truly think about whether I wanted to do this. It only took me a day or so to come up with the answer: yes. I did.

Over the next few days, I was still surprised: it may not seem like much but to me, to be contacted on the platform which I love with everything I have, to be asked to talk about something I’m so passionate about and to have my opinions listened to is a dream come true. I know that here, I can make a difference. I started to plan how it would happen, emailing Silva when I could in the mayhem of exam preparation.

Silva gave me her number and after we’d spoken for a while, she asked me if I would like to talk to the Equality Society on the Monday preceding half term. Upon agreeing, we arranged a time and called. It was utterly surreal; I was sitting in my bedroom having a discussion with people I’d never talked to before, about something which was so huge to me.

I answered a few of their questions and it felt wonderful to be able to talk about my feelings. Questions I was asked ranged from how I knew what colour clothing I was putting on in the morning (that has to be one of the best questions) to how I access my work. I had an answer for each and felt almost like a fire was being lit inside me because I felt purposeful, comfortable and most of all? Powerful. One of the things I said was the smallest actions can mean the most or hurt the most and I needed to speak to the people there like I would talk to any other: without patronising, without treating them differently because everyone’s human.

According to Silva, when we spoke afterwards, more than 30 people turned up and were in a small geography classroom, with more arriving as I was speaking. It made me feel so accomplished. Though it was Silva who had advertised the event so brilliantly, it was my words to which they were listening. It’s a foreign feeling that I’ll never get used to because then, I wasn’t just that weird Elm girl. I was somebody who could change the opinions of people I didn’t know, using the only resource I can: my words.

I have barely told anyone about this but I’m still so incredibly excited. The first person to know was my dad who is totally on board with it; sadly, my mum can’t know the true origin of this as I refuse to tell her about my blog. We need to get the logistics sorted but at some point, we can make more sound preparations.

Hopefully this September, I’m going to travel down to Dorset to speak to them. Even some of the staff members know which is mildly terrifying. However, doing this is something which I’ve set my heart on. I want to help; I want to show people that even if disabled people have difficulties, it’s not the end of the world and there are ways to live and be happy.

Not only is this a dream for me but this is also drawing my blog out into the “offline” world. The people at Silva’s school know my real name as they would have to. One wrong word or accidental blogging or real life name reveal would end my anonymity but strangely, I don’t care as much. The fact that I was specifically contacted through my blog, not a VI charity or otherwise, shows how blogging doesn’t just have to be reserved for the online world. I am both my blogging and real-life persona: they aren’t two separate people.

Blogging got me to this stage in my life and will continue to shape how I act, how I feel and what opportunities can be gained. I couldn’t be more thankful for that; instead of being the “visually impaired one”, I want to be the one who can help people. Having a blog has let me be that person.

I’m really, really looking forward to this; it’s possibly the most exciting thing that has ever happened to my blog. Remember that your words can mean something; it’s words that can change people’s minds and let them understand things which they otherwise wouldn’t.

I may not be able to help everyone or do everything I want to do. However, what I can do is worth it. What I can do is help as many people as I can and speak as loudly as I can.

Don’t be afraid of taking new, potentially scary opportunities. It could change your life, or the lives of others, one day.

From Elm πŸ™‚

A Little Segment of Internet Nostalgia

Back in the day – and by that I mean a year ago – I sent a lot of emails to my friend Ivy.

That had been happening since we were 12, like a routine. Sometimes, when I want to remember friendship, I look back and smile: when a crisis happened, I emailed her, usually with a long explanation. Over the past year, we’ve used messenger more to communicate, when we can’t call or see each other. Emails, though, are something I can never forget.

When I was 12, I used to email S (my now ex-boyfriend) a lot. Due to my, er, weird tendancies as a tween, he now has several horrendously embarrassing voice recordings that I sent to him. It’s become an on-going joke between us, because we both have recordings and emails that could mortify the other. Oh god, I don’t even want to think about the shit I said which I thought was cool at the time. My voice sounded like I knew everything and there’s one particularly awful one that I REFUSE to contemplate.

Now, the main group I email are bloggers. Saved in a folder far far away are some of the loveliest messages I’ve ever received from anyone, so well thought-out and beautiful to read. Whenever I get an email from one of you, it makes my day; I need to start emailing people more who I haven’t spoken to in a while.

I often find it “easier” to write an email to someone. I’m notorious for not replying to people, but with email, I can compose it spend TIME on it, without being pressured to respond just then. I can think more about what I want to write, which makes it less stressful. Because of Ivy, andother people, emails hold a special meaning to me. It’s rare now that I actually write one that’s not to teachers or bloggers, rarer even that I receive them, and whenever I do it’s nice and makes me smile.

On the Internet, in my files and folders and buried somewhere in the archives of Wattpad/Facebook/Twitter are a lot of things that I either love, despise or want to hide forever.

In addition to my voice recordings and nostalgic emails, there is:
β€’ My various roleplay characters (I miss them)
β€’ Various messenger conversations such as with Ash, which I just refuse to read because they’re either too uncomfortable or awful
β€’ A horrific story I wrote when I was 7, that I typed up two years ago to keep (WHY?)
β€’ Tweets from my 12-year-old self, more specifically the ones about the boyfriend I had then and the attention-seeking and overdramatic ones that came after that
β€’ My ranty, three-paragraph long facebook posts from when I was 13. I was known for them, which now I think of it, is kind of bad
β€’ My incredibly weird facebook comments and posts, plus numerous arguments I had various people (by the end of it, I enjoyed arguing and just did it for the banter)
β€’ A video of me singing when I was 8 in my friends Poppy and Rose’s bathroom, in which I sound like a fly
β€’ An even worse one of me attempting to do “sport”, which my dad plays to people sometimes when they come over
β€’ Possibly the worst one of all: one of me when I was 11, talking about books. I’m not revealing any more because anonymity

Even if many of these make me cringe, or smile, I’ll always remember them with a sort of exasperated fondness. I’m looking back over Ivy’s emails and smiling because they are just so nice, and some I sent were nonsensical.

The ones from S are even funnier, as they’re just one line in an email attached to a voice recording. “Happy now?” “Shhhh” and “HEREEE” are just some of them. What was I thinking?

At some point, I’ll take a trip down memory lane, to properly show you my… Interesting internet side. For example, I have a document called “Bugger off” and “S’s shitty ramblings” and whenever I read them, I burst out laughing, like today when I was supposed to be having a free lesson.

I don’t plan on deleting any emails, or files, from when I was younger. They’re a reminder of who I was, all of the strange things I did, which make me who I am today.

Do you have anything terribly embarrassing/cute/nice on the Internet?

From Elm πŸ™‚

I MET A BLOGGER!

It’s so boiling outside that I can barely concentrate, but here goes.

Today, I met a blogger for the first time ever and I’m still smiling about it. Along with one of my best friends ever, L, we met the fabulous Fibit.

L and Fibit had already met several times (yes, I was jealous because he met a blogger before me but shhh), because they live relatively close to each other. We’d been planning this for a while, but I didn’t mention anything just in case, and I wanted to be sort of spontaneous. Yesterday I came round to L’s house, stayed over (which involved running from bees, lots of yelling, and a trip down to the shops that could have ended in disaster). This morning, we got up ridiculously early, after L changed plans about how we were going to get there about three times, and went to the train station because we’re just that fabulous. He and I were both nervous that I’d get lost somewhere along the way, but luckily I turned up in one piece.

If you know me, you’ll know that I get nervous over the stupidest things. Whilst on the train – between nearly falling over and shrieking – I was doing my crazy-villain-rubbing-my hands-together thing, and muttering “Ohmygod I’m a trainwreck!”. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be associated with me either. I didn’t think he was a kidnapper or anything, but come on, it was my first ever time meeting a blogger! Like EVER! It’s a big thing, and as we got off the train I had to stop and breathe, just to let it sink in.

I think the most hilarious part of the day was our ‘guiding chain’. In case you didn’t know, L and I are both blind (Fibit isn’t), and so we walked down the street in a line, with L or I crashing into things several times. Because I’m short, I had to hold onto L’s shoulders at one point which almost made me have to stand on tiptoes.

After we met up, we went to some coffee shop, and because I’m boring I didn’t get coffee (what, it’s gross!). Seriously, throughout the day I kept on having this realisation that THREE BLOGGERS were wandering round town, two of them blind, with pretty much no idea where we were going. It was trΓ©s fabulaux.

We went and sat on a bench as well, in some random shopping centre, and just chatted. In real life, L and I bicker constantly, and on several occasions I jokingly snapped at both of them, “Well y’know what, I hate you too!” I also laugh a lot. Honestly, I’m SUCH a rebel that it makes me cringe every time. Why did they put up with me?

Like the teenagers we are, there was an obligatory selfie in another coffee shop. I probably looked like a turtle or something, but I have it saved on my phone to actually prove to myself that I was there. Even though I can’t see the picture. Shhh! The group hug outside the station made me feel all sentimental, but I probably came off as a right weirdo, knowing me.

All in all, my first experience of meeting a blogger was so surreal. I’m very glad that L was with me, too, because I would have been too nervous to go by myself because I’m a bloody whimp.

After we got back to L’s, we went for Afternoon Tea which was about the poshest thing I’ve ever done. I mean, I’m posh enough as it is, but eating scones, tiny sandwiches and eclairs in the shade outside… I’ve out-poshed myself. It turns out that I actually like meringues, which was a shocker. I called the waiter ‘sir’, lost my napkin, and burst out laughing on more than one occasion. Clearly, I don’t fit in at a posh establishment at all. Seriously though, it was great; the food was lovely and the tea was amazing. As well as that, the adjective that comes to mind is picturesque, because the place seemed as if it came straight out of a story.

Us three bloggers already have plans to meet up after Results’ Day (I’ll be crying over my results of course) and we’ve nicknamed ourselves the “Real Life Blog Squad”. Well, somebody did; it was probably me and the name won’t catch on, but I can at least try!

BLOODY HELL, the Elm met an actual blogger. I’m so happy, because I actually did this, and it didn’t go wrong! Wooo!

I know that I’m terrible at keeping my anonymity, but today was so so worth it. I felt like Elm, mixed with my real name identity, and it was weird but very nice. Right now, it seems like blogging’s not just a thing of the internet, but something that CAN cross over into real life.

By the way, I’m sorry for not blogging in ages. I hope you guys are doing well.

From Elm πŸ™‚

They Searched This and Found My Blog?

Hi everyone!

In my time of blogging (I sound old what the hell; it’s only been a year and three months!), I like to look at my stats page to see how I’m getting on. We all do it, even if we say follower count doesn’t matter; it’s nice to find out how many views you got each day and that.

However, in the corner of the stats cave, you find a little section called “Search terms.” Most of them are unknown search terms, where you can’t tell what was searched that found your blog, but there are the rare few that you can see.

Most are okay. Most are just “justelm” or “just call me elm or something”, but there are some that are just… Really weird. Maybe THEY’RE not weird, in themselves, but the fact that people searched them up and found my blog? I wonder what kind of content I have that some of these would be relevant.

In something I’ve never done before, I’m going to “react” to them. The search terms will be in bold, with my comments below. Beware of either heavy sarcasm, all caps, or confusion. Here we go!

Just to say, Cait from PaperFury was the inspiration for this without me realising, because she does this sort of thing every month and they’re hilarious. If you don’t follow her already, do so because she’s one of my favourite book bloggers of ever.

(I don’t know when exactly these were searched up, but I can link them to some posts – I found them by filtering my stats by year. Also, I’m really sorry but there’s a fair bit of strong language in this post, for anyone easily offended).

People are always calling me ungrateful
If that’s the case, then tell them to piss off. Whoever searched this up, I doubt it’s true. Also, what post would that even be linked to – OH WAIT, I always call myself bad things on my blog. Bad Elm!

I hate you stupid bastard
Well damn. Someone’s pissed off. What’d the bastard ever do to you? Actually don’t answer that; I have a horrible feeling that they must have found this horrendous post from over a year ago. Okay, let me just cringe in a corner…

Miranda sings suck cock
What the FUCK???!!!! WHO searched this?! Do I want to know? No, no I don’t. I feel disturbed. Um, kids, sorry for the profanity? But seriously, how the literal hell did they find my blog through that I’m vaguely horrified.

When start my love life what call that day
Either the worst or best day of your life, depending on how you view love. Also, there isn’t a set day where you “start your love life”. Hey, it’s Wednesday today! Let’s go out and fall in love! Er, no. I know that I post about my so-called “love life”, so maybe THAT’s how they found me.

Best message for ungrateful stupid people
Not to call them ungrateful or stupid? Or maybe, “Go away, you don’t appreciate me so I see no reason why I have to return the favour.” Here with the ungrateful spiel again; I mean, if you look through some of my earlier, cringey posts, you can kind of see why the word ‘ungrateful’ linked to my blog. Oops.

Best talking ex bugger off
If you want your talking ex to bugger off, who is apparently the best, then just tell them! The sentence doesn’t even make sense, so who knows what this means? It could be that their ex is Called “Bugger Off”, and if that’s the case I feel sorry for them. We’ll never know the true meaning.

Who is get female best blind motivators
NOT ME! Seriously, not me; don’t look at me! What’s concerning is that they found ME through that. Me being the “best female blind motivator” is so horrifying that it makes me laugh. Hahahaha, me, a motivator? Psh.

But I love my something mars
I don’t even have a response to that. Who is your Mars? Do you mean the planet or the God of War (or the chocolate)? I love Mars Bars, mainly because I adore chocolate, but all I want to know is who your Mars is. Is that too much to ask?

Feelings of ash fucking
Please, please tell me that they don’t mean the tree. Because that’s gross. If they mean someone called Ash, I can’t think of them without thinking of my ex-best friend now drug addict bastard person Ash. And feelings of Ash fucking – do they mean what it would be like for the ash or for them? Ew I actually feel sick.

On that note, I’m going to leave it. I’m so confused as to how or why they’d search up those specific phrases… Who knows?

If I find any more weird search terms, I’ll let you know.

Have a look through your stats page. What’s the weirdest thing anyone’s ever searched that has linked to your blog?

From Elm πŸ™‚

I Know Where I Stand

Woah. I need to have a sit down and just digest everything that happened today – because a lot of things happened, all of which I’m entirely happy with. In fact, the day went amazingly, so all the fear yesterday was for nothing.

If you haven’t read the post about Jasmine yet, read it before you read this post. Otherwise, things won’t make sense. Who knows – I’m so tired that maybe things in THIS post won’t make sense either!

I was a total wreck this morning. After thinking, last night, that she was somehow angry with me (a story involving her talking about some Paul guy, her catching onto the fact that I was jealous which wasn’t difficult and then us assuring each other that we made us smile), I woke up feeling even more nervous than I was yesterday. My friends kept messaging me (Wren ahem ahem), going “HALF AN HOUR LEFT!” I put makeup on, which prompted my mum to ask me if I was gay and if I was going on a date or something, and paced round the house, played piano and sang to pass the time. Checking my phone became a habit, as my legendary paranoia rose up to scream that maybe she wasn’t coming, or that she’d be late. She was about 10 minutes late, but in the grand scheme of things, that didn’t matter. All I did for the last 5 minutes before she arrived was breathe and rub my hands together like some crazed villain from a terrible action movie.

She arrived (I got a text saying that they’d pulled up in the. car outside) so me, being totally normal, ran downstairs and opened the door. I remember standing on the front step, the sun shining, trying not to panic because I was MEETING JASMINE. My mum was behind me, and as Jasmine and her foster mum came up, she said heyy. Then, Jasmine and I hugged and it was surreal as shit; I’ve only ever met one internet friend before and I felt like I was about to jump up and down (I kept it in luckily).

At first, we didn’t talk much. Both her foster mum and my mum were making conversation, with Jasmine and I sitting next to each other on the sofa. At one point I went to get some water with her in the kitchen, and standing in front of her felt so strange – hearing her voice next to me, too. Once her foster mum (who is so lovely, by the way) left and my mum went upstairs was when things really became less stilted.

Before we went out for lunch, we were in the living room. She was obsessed with the ornaments we had: model elephants, bells, stone hearts on the mantlepiece, cacti (four of them) and our 10 fish that were in a fish tank by the sofa we sat on. We honestly spent the time before lunch just going round the living room, finding all the stuff we had, with her exclaiming (AHHH that’s so cute!” on multiple occasions. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, there’s a picture of some shoes with butterflies on them on the wall, which I found out today. After that, we went out to the high street.

I was terrified that lunch was going to be a disaster. Fortunately, we went to an Italian place (so I had pasta in order to not look like a moron whilst eating), and I more or less told my mum that no, I’d rather she not eat with us. That was mostly so that Jasmine and I could be together and I could finally feel like I was free. I was worried that she’d make me feel like a baby (when we were walking to the restaurant, it wasn’t too bad, but I was very aware of Jasmine next to me).

Over lunch, she and I talked so much. I’m quite proud that I didn’t embarrass myself (i.e get food all over me, laugh weirdly or say something strange). It felt so. great to be doing something by MYSELF, because I felt like a regular sighted kid, just having lunch with a… Friend. We payed (or I did, having a slight awkward moment when I couldn’t find the plate to put the money on). It’s weird, because Jasmine picked up how to guide me incredibly quickly. We stepped outside in to the sunshine, walked down the street towards home and I felt wonderful because I was there with her.

After we got back, something changed. We went into the living room again, but this time we sat closer on the sofa. We were still examining the various things in. the living room – she looked outside and saw builders that were working on our neighbour’s house and we were laughing about that. I kept on wanting to sit nearer to her like a complete creep, and somehow, we ended up touching/holding hands on various occasions. My heart was beating fast and we got rather close physically, not actually doing anything.

Because I’m strange, and my head was in a jumble, I asked if she wanted to see my room. Before you get any ideas, NO, I didn’t mean it in that sense; I just wanted to migrate upstairs because the living room was getting boring. I was still extremely conscious of her near me as we walked into my room and sat down.

Okay, here’s where it gets to the part where timings get muddled. We sat very close to each other – starting off further away as per usual. To begin with, we were just holding hands and watching a few youtube videos whilst talking, but there was a point where she touched my hair where I thought, “God, this is getting serious, something’s gonna happen OHMYGODWHATAMIDOING?!”

According to her, there was something in my hair – perhaps a bit of fluff, but perhaps it was just. an excuse. All this time – for quite a while before that – my heart was beating erratically and I kept on turning my head towards her to see how close she was; every time she fiddled with my hair or touched my hand I was basically like an 11-year-old with a crush. You know that moment where you can feel your heart in your chest, and you’re breatheing and trying to not make it blatantly obvious that you WANT something to happen? It was cringey because I was SO weirdly obvious. When she told me I had something in my hair, she turned my face towards hers and we ended up kissing.

Whathe the hell – it seems like with every single person I’ve had a “thing” with, I ALWAYS forget how the first kiss happened. With Jasmine, it was just… There. Her lips on mine, and it was so different to my other experiences. Why? I don’t know.

There were many repeats of the kissing. That girl knows what she’s doing (that didn’t mean to sound so disturbing I’m SORRY!) and the thing is, I felt literally NO disgust towards myself. In between what one may term “periods of kissing”, we spoke loads (about her friend who’s having a baby, about life and we just laughed). She gave me these amazing sweets she got from Turkey that have basically been an inside joke between us, because she promised to leave at least one packet for me. She did a really cool thing to my hair, and just the normality of that shows that it’s not just all about the physical.

I won’t lie to you guys: it did go further than kissing. Not giving away all the details, but there were a few firsts for me. For once, I’m not judging myself or thinking I’m some awful human being, because you know what? I felt extremely comfortable, happy and not like things were moving too fast. I don’t know; a year ago I would have NEVER done this, but times change and all that matters is that I wasn’t feeling sick, or unwilling.

Can I just say – talking about this stuff, as in sexual stuff, is more than okay. You should talk about it, and have the confidence to ask questions; if anyone wants any advice and is too embarrassed to ask parents or friends, I’m here. Not that I’m an expert at ALL, but I know what it’s like to feel awkward about it.

On top of the laughter and happiness, there were a few serious conversations as well. At one point, I said, “Jasmine… You don’t want a relationship, right?”
“No. We’ve talked about this before!”
“I know, I know; I just don’t want you to feel like I’m fucking around with your emotions or anything.”
“I understand – and trust me, you’re not!”
So that was lovely. Also, my paranoia came up as I was terrified my mum would come in (she doesn’t exactly know I like both girls and guys), and we just sat together in comfortable silence.

She also had dinner with us, and afterwards, she had to get the train home. I felt rather sad when she left – we walked to the station, which included some very subtle innuendos that only we would understand that nearly made me burst out laughing. I didn’t feel too upset, as I know I’m seeing her again.

God, I’ve had a good day. I didn’t feel angry, awkward or worried (except about some paranoia and the whole relationship thing), and I know it’s not the end of us. Some days, you just need things to go right, and this was one of those days for me. It’s making me smile, just thinking about it.

Wow, I covered all I wanted to in one go! That’s an achievement for me; I thought I would get so tired that I wouldn’t be able to write it all out. I spoke to Jasmine just now – I actually prefer our conversations in real life because I know where I am with her then.

I hope you’ve all had a brilliant day. Thanks for all your support on, well, everything. You know I’m always here for you if shit goes wrong, or if you’ve just had a terrible day.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Having the Confidence to “Get Out There”

Whenever I want to tell you guys of a situation, I always procrastinate. I tell myself that I can never find the right words to say, I get panicked, and before it’s too late I eventually find the guts to post what’s been happening. Remember all the other times I’ve opened up? Yeah, this is one of those times.

When you’re writing, they tell you to get straight to the point within the first two paragraphs. Though I want to expand before, I’ll just say it here, as expanding comes after. There is a girl, and I’ll call her Jasmine.

After my breakup with Rapunzel, I absolutely refused to think about other people. It made me feel sick, angry and upset, because I convinced myself that if I did, I was obviously a terrible person. It’s only been since a couple of weeks ago, and especially at Prom, that I’ve allowed myself to properly consider that I can and have moved on, in the relationship sense of things (the emotions are still a bit muddled and confused, but that’s alright).

As much as I would have liked to have given myself more time to “move on”, as it were, it just wasn’t possible. What with exams, situations that blew up after the relationship ended and so much confusion that I couldn’t think straight, I didn’t exactly give myself a choice. Perhaps that wasn’t the wisest decision, but it’s done now and I can’t beat myself up about it.

Jasmine and I have been talking for about the past three weeks. You know me, and you know that I hate rushing things but it ends up happening anyway. As with many of my other “things”, I met her on the Internet. Wa-fucking-heyza, I KNOW that you’re thinking “Oh my god, Elm, PLEASE stop!” I’m sorry. I’m actually being somewhat careful this time.

I think that Jasmine is fabulous (a word we use to describe each other on multiple occasions). Pretty much every day since two weeks ago, we’ve talked on the phone. I know a lot about her and she does of me, and the good thing is that I’ve spoken to her foster mum and so I know she’s not some 40-year-old pervert.

Oh. Well, about being careful? I’m meeting her tomorrow. As in she’s coming to my house. Er, let me explain?

I remember, shortly after we started speaking, saying something about practicing going on trains. I was freaking out a little, because as you know, my independence is really important to me. The thing that convinced me she wasn’t a bitch was that she said, “I can help you if you’d like?” She offered, without me even asking; just that simple act of kindness astounded me. Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it’s rare that someone would just offer to help a blind kid out and would go out of their way. Ever since then, we’d discussed meeting up. She lives about 30-40 minutes away from me (and used to go to a school near me when she lived with a different family).

First of all, I was going to go to her house. Before anything could actually be arranged, I made sure that I knew her more – her flaws, her crappy qualities, and that she knew mine. Three weeks? You can get to know somebody in that time; not perfectly, but well enough. Unfortunately, my mum kind of freaked out.

I had to lie to both my parents. This is the thing I feel most guilty about. Not necessarily my mum – if she found out I spoke to people on the Internet, that would be it for me. No freedom, no internet, no trust ever again. However, my dad is so much more accepting. He knows I talk to people, like you guys, and encourages me to meet them as long as I’m with someone else. He would never, and I do mean never, allow Jasmine to come over if I hadn’t met her first; at the time, I was going to go to hers, but perhaps now he’d accept it? I told both of them that Jasmine was a friend of Ivy’s and that I’d met her at Ivy’s party. Luckily, both Ivy and Jasmine know the cover story (I just need to flesh out the details before she comes over tomorrow). I think mmum is a little suspicious, so I’m absolutely screwed if she finds out the truth. Lying is terrible and not the best course of action at all, and I feel bad for it, but otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do this.

I’m going to be totally honest with you here. I’m very scared of your reaction, because I know that this potentially is risky. Isn’t life about taking risks, sometimes? I really want the freedom to do what I want, and to meet who I want. When my mum kicked up a fuss about me going to Jasmine’s (“I don’t know her, or her foster parents, and I’m worried!” which were all extremely valid concerns), I got unbelievably upset because I felt like I was a baby or something. Thank God Jasmine was okay with it. Her foster mum is driving her, so that my mum gets to meet them both to know who they are.

The only people that know the full story of this are Wren, Ivy and partly Willow. To be honest, when Jasmine comes over, I’m pretty damn sure something’s going to happen. Maybe not to the level of what might’ve happened when I’d gone to hers, but maybe that’s for the best right now. There’s been a lot of what one might call “flirting”, and some innuendos, and luckily I didn’t feel sick when that happened, which is progress.

I’m judging myself. If we kiss, is that okay? I don’t know. I’m not against it happening, but I just feel so… Guilty? I’m attempting not to call myself some horrendous names, but it’s difficult when I have about three people that I’m “considering”. It makes me feel awful because shitting hell, my last relationship ended a month and a half ago! What does that make me?

The main fear that I have when she comes around tomorrow is that she might get bored. Though it could be considered strange to say, I don’t find myself a particularly interesting person, but hopefully the conversations won’t dry up. I’m planning to go for a walk with her, because she’s staying for a while (perhaps 8 hours or something), as she lives too far for it to be just a 4 hour thing.

Both Jasmine and I are firmly set in that we don’t want a relationship. She’s in no position to right now, and neither am I. With me, I don’t want to get attached to anyone much this summer. It’s not just with her, it’s with anyone: it may put me in a difficult position, but I’ll have to be alright with that. In sixth form, I need to have a new start, and if I’m in a relationship, I think that the stress and paranoia will be so bad that I won’t be able to do much. I’m weighing up my personal happiness with the want to kiss people. WOAH that’s bad!

It’s not perfect, in any way. If I ever mention Rapunzel, she gets really jealous. We’re both paranoid as hell, and that’s not really good, but we know that whatever happens we’re still there as friends. She smokes a lot, and if you know me, you’ll know I really dislike cigarettes/drugs (she’s only done the latter as a test rather than a regular thing) but if I want to not be judgemental, I won’t think of that as a big deal; it doesn’t change her as a person. She’s done many, many things physically that I haven’t even got close to doing, but she understands. There’s this pressure I have to get into a relationship, but I honestly can’t right now – again, she gets it.

Maybe this will turn out shittily in the long run. I may be taking a huge leap into unknown territory that will screw me over. I might get so hurt by this and this MIGHT be a terrible idea, but for now I’m just trying to be okay with myself. If that involves having a “fling” with someone, so be it.

I still have so many unresolved feelings. I want to go out there and get experiences, live in the moment for once and be happy. Yes, stress may be a by-product of that, but I’ll just have to deal with it.

Before I commit to anything, I need to just say that I still respect Rapunzel implicitly. She’s still my friend, and we still very much talk; I’m always going to be there for her whenever I can. THAT hasn’t changed.

God, it feels great to finally explain all of this. I hope I’m doing the right thing, but the “right thing” is subjective.

Do you think it’s alright to act like I’m acting? I don’t want to hurt anyone, or make anyone miserable.

Thanks for always being here, and I mean that. You all make my day, because you’re just so helpful.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Not My Story

Today, I realised that I’m closer with my friend Willow than I think I’ve ever been before. We’ve known each other for 5 years, been through so much crap together – yet it’s now that I realise just how much I love her (platonically).

We were in PE together, “exercising”, and just talking. Red was there too, and at times we got all emotional. She’s absolutely amazing.

There’s a story she wanted me to share with you – well, she said I could. I told her people would be supportive of her, because you’re all my friends and you’re all brilliant. Willow and I have been through a LOT, and neither of us wants any of it to repeat – she never wants me to get hurt by anything like what happened with Ash again, and I never want her to feel as awful as she did in what I’m about to talk about. After talking, and also talking with Red about it, we hugged a lot and I felt like crying because she, of all people, understands me so much.

So, this is something that happened to Willow, not long ago. And, well, my thoughts on it.

Willow used to fancy this guy, let’s call him T. T didn’t like her like that, and – understandably – she was damn upset. In a similar fashion to what I’ve done before, she started talking to people on the internet – there’s nothing wrong with it, and she needed to get over T.

There was a boy. Let’s use his real name – Anthony. To start, Anthony was lovely, and amazing and kind to her, and god knows she deserves that. After a while, he asked her for pictures.

First time, she said no. Second time, she said no. The THIRD time, she said yes – it might seem stupid to you, but in her situation, I don’t blame her. He seemed lovely and to genuinely care about her.

They exchanged pictures, and skyped, and afterwards she felt sick with herself but she did it again, because she felt like he would never talk to her again if she didn’t. He seemed like he wanted a relationship, that it was MORE than casual. As you can tell, I damn well hate this guy, though I’ve never spoken to him.

She blocked him, but then unblocked him for a little while (think that’s how it went?). They exchanged pictures again, but he screenshotted them – after this, she blocked him. Permanently.

It’s messed her up and it breaks my heart because she blames herself. I’m trying to tell her – it’s not her fault. She is an amazing, amazing girl, and she was manipulated by someone when she was hurt beforehand.

I’ve seen how it’s affected her – she told me about the tears, the pain, and I can’t help but support her. I know a little what it’s like to think EVERYTHING is your fault, and no one should have to go through that. She might have made a mistake, but she’s learning from it and that’s the important part.

I think we all need to experience something like this, to KNOW. It’s no use judging people, for what they do and what they send, because you never know if they regret it or feel sick with themselves. Originally, when Anthony was nice to her, I was in support because she – and I – didn’t know what he was like. That’s what happens in life, really.

I guess the message here is that everyone does stupid things, but don’t beat yourself up about it. I know that Willow and I have sometimes not been the best – that post I wrote a while back about her leaving my group and being a stranger (which she read, but we both grew up and understand each other now) just SHOWS that.

Really, though, I appreciate her so much more now. We’re so alike, in what we’ve been through – I’ll admit it, I’ve done some VERY stupid things and no one knows about them hahaha shiiit… Anyway.

If you’ve been in a similar situation to Willow, it’s not your fault. Know that whatever you go through, all the pain and the confusion and the disgust with yourself – that’s what teaches you things. You’re brave, you’re strong and you’re bloody amazing for dealing with everything you’ve gone through) That applies to everyone.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Dziey’s 5-Day Challenge: Day 2

YAY! It’s day 2 of this awesome challenge – remember, if you haven’t signed up already, go and do it because Dziey is amazing!

Short post AGAIN – they’ll all be short – but today’s topic is to write 7 things that cross your mind a lot.

1. SHIT, was homework due in today?!

2. I NEED FOOD NOW ugh I’m so hungry.

3. Hmm, should I check my blog?

4. Are my friends doing alright?

5. I should REALLY do more exercise… I can’t be arsed.

6. I DO NOT understand this thing!

7. OOH! Which blogger should I talk to?

My thoughts wonder, because I’m great like that. Sorta. No, not really…

I’m debating over whether to post again today. I’ve got two potential ideas; We’ll see how it goes.

ALSO! If there were to hypothetically be a blogger chat where we could all call and that – talk on voice (ONLY if you’re comfortable because #anonymity which I’m awful at), would you rather go on skype or WhatsApp or some other one that might be better for annonymous things? We’ve already got a Kik chat for just texting (if you’re interested, let me know because the people on there are the most lovely people you will ever meet).

From Elm πŸ™‚

So, Would I Ever Meet a Blogger?

Throughout the day, I’ve been exchanging hilarious and somewhat thought-provoking voice messages (on WhatsApp yes it’s my new obsession) with this amazing dude and it got me thinking.

I’ve skyped a few bloggers – Tiegan, Letters to Emma, Crystal, Amy (Every Word You Say) and a few others (I feel like I’m bragging sorry!) but I just asked myself: would I ever have the guts to meet a blogger?

Hypothetically, yes. I would LOVE to meet some of you guys – ALL of you guys really. But then, you get the logistics of it, because we all live in different countries and some of us are annonymous (like me whoops) and some of us would just be too nervous to meet up – PROBABLY like me.

But, you know, screw logistics. What would be amazing is if there was, one day, a massive teen blogging meet up. That would actually make my life.

The POINT of this post is just to say, I think you guys are awesome. I’d love to skype more of you, if you’re COMFORTABLE with it of course (no showing of the face don’t worry, because of my err LACK OF SIGHT). I sometimes like to know the voice behind the words, and it would be great to get to know some of you better by having a conversation outside of blog comments/twitter/kik or anything like that.

You’ve all made a massive impression on my life, and I want to say thank you, I guess. I’ve also got to thinking about the whole “meeting up” thing and it’s making my brain whir at an alarming rate. I’m not sure why – I’m an ANNONYMOUS BLOGGER, but I genuinely consider a lot of you my friends, and so of COURSE I’d like to meet you.

Then again, a conversation can be carried out JUST AS EASILY by text as by voice. All friendships are valid, regardless if they’re made on the internet or in “real” life. I think that’s important to say, because I’ve NEVER spoken (on voice) to most of you, yet you’re the best people I could ever hope to know.

Would YOU ever meet a blogger? Like, for instance, your closest blogging friend? It’s a bloody scary thought, but there you go.

BAH, this post made no sense whatsoever. And it’s only 5 past 10 at night.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I Miss the Old Days

This post is dedicated to the amazing Odd who will totally understand what I’m about to write, because they’re a massive part of it.

Over breakfast this morning – I was ill so couldn’t go to school – I realised that it’s just nearing 3 and a half years since I started roleplaying, and a year since I stopped. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, have a look at this post.

Actually, it was more like me remembering someone I used to be friends with there, and missing them so terribly, so suddenly, and then the nostalgia hit. The memories came on in waves. I’m going to talk about her now.

I was 12 when I first met her, and she was 16, which makes her almost 20 now. That scares me so much, because she was nearly my age now when I first knew her, but the age, to us, didn’t matter. Someone who’s 12 being friends with someone who’s 16 didn’t seem so out of reach as someone who’s 15 being friends with someone who’s 19. It doesn’t EMBARRASS me, but I don’t often talk about her because it almost seems silly, which it shouldn’t.

I knew her as Claudia, because that’s the character she played – a 2-year-old genius who saw me through my first, shitty character who I hated, to my second and favourite character. I remember those days where I’d log on and she’d be there, and we’d organise a place to RP and flesh out the story we’d already created, navigating our way through our stupid mistakes and my previous controlling tendancies which she, unknowingly, helped to get rid of. I never had contact with her outside the game mail, like I did the others, but at the time, it didn’t matter.

Her real name is Blake, and I remember trying to find her once, about half a year after I left the site for the first time. I DID find her, somehow (I have no idea how) but I couldn’t get in contact with her. I’m not going to try and find her again, because it would be pointless, and the past is the past. It made me so sad to realise that earlier that I almost felt like crying, but it’s the truth.

I haven’t talked to her in what must be 1 and a half years, or maybe more. There was a time where I left, and she left, and when I came back she wasn’t there. Three months later, I saw her name and nearly stopped breathing.

We’d both changed, but we still knew each other. We still fell back into the routine, even though our characters had changed.

It makes me so sad, now, but I’m just so happy I had that. Roleplaying, back then, was where I was accepted for being me; it’s where my writing developed so much and I wish I’d carried on with it. It was honestly the best feeling ever – creating characters, letting them grow, making friends along the way.

I remember them all now, all of them who I haven’t talked to in so long, and they were all so different from me – in age, in personality. You have Star, who must be 20 or 21 by now; Valerie, who I think is 28 or 29; Chalk, who’s… 19? All of these people I miss, in some way, because they helped me grow.

When I was 12 to when I was 14, I was so immature. I did stupid things, but RPing was something that brought me back to reality, which is ironic almost. It seems ‘sad’, maybe, cause I was shut in my room on the Internet, but writing was and is something I have a huge passion for. I was a different person back then – it’s weird, considering that. NONE of the stuff with Ash had happened, or blogging.

I wonder where Claudia is now? When she was 16, she went to a school for the blind; she graduated when she was 18. I hope she’s okay. I hope they’re all alright, even if I doubt I made an impression on their lives. Maybe my characters did, but that means the same to me. To them I was Sam, or Leya.

I can’t decide which was best: the old days – the VERY old days with Claudia, or the days with Odd. Probably the latter though I miss the former, because I got close with Odd then as our characters grew. So thanks for that, you amazing person. I miss those days.

Sorry for the rambling post. I just miss it, you know? I had such good friendships then, even though I made so many mistakes in real life.

What do you miss?

From Elm πŸ™‚