The Future Pisses Me Off

I’m a bit selfish/whatever for posting this, but meh, I don’t hate myself for it – so DAMN, that’s an improvement.

Today, in maths and chemistry, I was so frustrated and angry with myself that I kind of wanted to break my own hand?

… Yup. I didn’t do anything; I bent my fingers back a bit but just enough so that it was a warning to myself. I won’t lie to any of you – it got kind of bad with the THOUGHTS, but I didn’t do anything much. I’m getting better. Thank god.

Well, my THOUGHTS were awful. I kind of considered actually breaking my own fingers, and then asked myself what was the point in NOT doing that, but it’s okay now. Still a bit shaky, but I’m okay.

I just… Ugh god.

I don’t know what I’m doing any more. And by that, I mean, I don’t understand my work.

In maths, I sat there the whole lesson, and I swear I only managed about 3 questions. I couldn’t visualise it and the teacher who always sits beside me didn’t understand, and said I should have a basic way to orientate myself around a CUBOID FOR GOD’s SAKE, and I just flipped out and I couldn’t do any work whatsoever. It’s difficult, because I SHOULD know all this by now, but my mind hit a roadblock and my wrists felt so weak, and by the end I had enough.

Chemistry was balancing equations, and like in maths, a haze descended where I couldn’t concentrate and everything was a blur of ‘I can’t do anything,’ ‘I’m going to fail everything.’

I need to just… Get better. Be better. Have more motivation.

I’m constantly terrified now; it’s a continuous stab of fear deep within me that I can’t throw away. I have so little motivation now that I want to crawl into a hole sometimes and wait for something to come along and destroy me, but that’s RIDICULOUS because I have so much to live for.

I don’t want to live on benefits. I want a job. I get told all the time that disabled people have a higher chance of living in poverty and I’m scared, GOD I’M SCARED, because I want to have a future and I don’t want to feel pathetic.

Maths and chemistry are two things, JUST TWO THINGS, but this is happening throughout my lessons. I just can’t. Part of me has given up on myself and ever achieving anything, but I NEED to achieve. I need to. I need to make my own fucking money but if I can’t even get the energy to revise for exams because I’m lazy as fuck, what does that tell me about my life?

I’m so scared. The job factor plays into it because I’m SO unindependent and I would do something about it but I’m too scared. I’m literally scared of not passing my GCSEs, A-levels, not getting into uni, failing at a job interview, living on benefits, living in poverty, death when I’ve achieved nothing. It’s something I can’t quell, and it’s impacting on my lessons and it’s like a horrible cycle that NEVER achieves it’s purpose.

I want to be better. I want to have that spark of learning and I want to understand and I want to be normal and not have to worry SO MUCH about jobs when I’m 15, but I can’t help it. It’s an ongoing fear and it shouldn’t be, and I should just concentrate on PASSING MY EXAMS and not wanting to actually die in the process.

It’s not serious. It’s not serious. It’s not serious. I bet I’m making this up. I’m going to fail. I’m GOING TO FAIL. I have too much negativity in my life and I wish I wasn’t like this and I wish I was like my friends where they HAVE THE MOTIVATION to do things, because I don’t.

I’m scared. I just want to be different and I want to get off my arse and stop being so, so lazy and disgusting.

The world made me terrified beyond all reasoning.

Sorry. I didn’t mean for this to turn out so terribly. I’m trying to be positive but I’m just so scared because I don’t understand my lessons and I’m gripped at random points throughout the day with this awful, awful fear that I never do anything about because I’m too “tired” which is just an excuse for laziness.

Are you guys all okay? I don’t mean to ruin your day; I hope I haven’t. My thoughts aren’t even going anywhere and there’s not much anyone can do, but I know you’ll support me. Thank you.

From Elm 🙂

DO SOMETHING, You’re Gonna Fail

I’m in my English lesson.

And I got a B plus in my homework. It was a past exam question, and I didn’t try hard enough. It makes me angry.

I’m HAPPY with the result. The result is great – if you GET that result in your homework, that’s brilliant.

Here we go with the arrogant spiel. Usually, I get A stars.

I’m not angry that I got a B plus. Well, I AM, but not because it’s a B plus. I’m angry because my grades are slipping.

I used to be able to think deeply and critically, and to UNDERSTAND what I was talking about.

If I usually got a B, I would be so upset if I got a D. If it was an A, I’d be upset if I got a C. It’s not the grade – it’s the difference.

This is happening in all my subjects. Music, which I used to enjoy so much? No. No motivation. History? I feel like I’m being stifled. Right now, every single lesson isn’t like the way it used to be, where I used to love learning.

And English? I LOVE English. And why, in this lesson, do I feel like there’s a cloud over me, like I can’t do anything?

It’s not the grades. Well, it IS – what’s more important to me is my lack of effort and motivation. I just… Don’t care, and that’s bad. That’s not how it should be, because I really want to do well in my GCSEs. That affects my grades. That affects my job, my career, my life.

I need to get my act together. But I can’t. Revision? God, HOW??!! How do I get the motivation to revise everything I know, for exams I can’t stand, for mocks I hate, for things that are USELESS? Why? Why can’t I just have motivation, and not sit here doing fuck all, listening to people around me talking intelligently?

I AM intelligent. I can deal with thinking that. But I’m just so worried, because it’s going to come to the mocks and I will have done fuck all revision unless I do something NOW, but what? Nothing works for me. Nothing I’ve done so far has picked my attitude up; that all disappeared last year. Why? Was it Ash, or everything – I don’t understand because now, I’m happy.

I want to do well. I can’t be talk and no action; I’ve got to do something. I’m worried. I don’t ever want to live on benefits or be in the percentage of disabled people who are unemployed. I CAN’T – I have to make my own money.

I’m so scared. I’m going to do something though; I HAVE to, because otherwise, everything will go downhill.

Whatever you do, do something to pick yourself up, okay? Don’t let yourself fall.

What do you think? I’m concerned, and all the anxiety and downright fear I have about the future is surfacing again, like it used to, like it hasn’t in a few months. I’m at the point of curling up and shivering in a ball, because I just don’t want to end up pathetic. I want to live.

From Elm 🙂

PS: The Announcement is coming up later today.