I Thought that My Love Life was Over

So far, school has been rather uneventful in the two days that I’ve been back, save for me internally freaking out about coursework and stressing at things that aren’t even important. However, there is a far more pressing problem besides the prospect of unmanageable work. That is, I appear to actually possess feelings.

How my mind works is that there are certain people which my brain tells me, “Okay, they’re nice; you could have feelings for them – but don’t; that’s a terrible idea!” A girl who joined my school this year, who I used to share my French class with, is one such person. I call her Laurel on this blog and you can read more about her here. I feel like a total creep for writing this and knowing my luck, she’ll end up finding it and I’ll be mortified for the rest of my days.

Yesterday, I spoke to her for the first time, properly in person, for about a month. Because of exams which meant that I was only in school to do them for two weeks and then I had two weeks off, I couldn’t have seen her for that length of time and before that, I hadn’t spoken to her in ages. Not being with Pine’s “group” a lot, I don’t often have the chance to meet her unless I go and sit with them at break. She’d been on my mind a lot lately. It wasn’t in a romantic sense really but I was more contemplating the decision that I’d made to drop French, as well as how much I missed those in my class even if I could see them outside of it.

I got into school, walked towards my first class of the day and genuinely didn’t realise it was her speaking to me, at first. Being greeted is a common thing but it was loud; I couldn’t hear much and I think I must have been tired. We were standing a little ways apart; I didn’t pay much attention to my surroundings. My friends Wren and Swan were being themselves, saying inside jokes to me whilst walking off and that was when I knew that Laurel stood in front of me and I was a total moron because I think that I smiled really strangely. Now I think about it, that was so awkward.

We didn’t talk about much. The subject was mainly exams and before I had known it was her (how the hell did I not know?!) she hugged me and I felt really happy because I felt like she really meant it. I was cringing so hard when I clocked that it was her that I tried to, erm, make up for it, or that was how my mind justified it. Upon her saying that she would fail, I utterly disagreed with her and I hugged her again, touching her hands once or twice to prove my point. As I never usually initiate such physical contact with those that aren’t my very close friends, it was almost a shock to my own internal systems to note that I was doing this with very little fear.

I’m confused. Over the last few months, I convinced myself that those fledgling feelings had been stamped out. I didn’t need complications like that, especially when I was attempting to viciously deny other, much stronger feelings that had emerged for a different person. Neither approach worked. Now, it looks as if I’m in the same predicament as before: uncertain as to what I want, who I think about and what I want to do with those feelings.

I usually know how I act around those who I have feelings for but then I refuse to acknowledge that. It might not be apparent to anyone else except me but I think differently, pay much closer attention to everything and am more likely to remember how I felt in that exact moment. As much as I’ve tried to stop this, I don’t think I can. Once my thoughts go down a trajectory of weird and inconvenient feelings, they don’t stop until I a) realise it’s pointless; b) something unpleasant happens or c) I move onto someone else. I’m hoping it’s option C, honestly.

My feelings, or what’s left of them, for Laurel can’t be overstated. Yes, I think she’s wonderful and I feel entirely too comfortable around her but there still remains the problem of the ‘other person’. I won’t use Laurel as some kind of rebound because that would upset me; I don’t know her well enough to know what it would do to her.

All in all, I know a few things:
• I have small feelings for her
• They won’t go anywhere because I have about as much luck or good decision-making as a single-celled organism
• I’m hopelessly confused because feelings EW NO GO AWAY
• There are ‘other people’ who I have similar reactions to which makes things needlessly complex
• If you try and ignore a problem or put your fingers in your ears whilst screaming ‘la la laaaaa’, it doesn’t go away
• HELP ME I don’t need this in my life!

Are you going through something similar right now? How do you feel? I kind of feel like running and hiding next time I’m near her because feelings are scary. I haven’t felt this way, so carefree with it, in at least a year.

From Elm 🙂

Smiling After Frowning is the Best Feeling Ever

My day started off horribly: I didn’t get the work sent to me for French so I had to run back to the “unit for us blind people” as I call it, and then I wanted to sob insanely because I got overwhelmed. I got really upset, because I have to do so much work: both to catch up and work outside of school to help me understand the subject.

But you know what? Now, I’m HAPPY. There are a few reasons why.

I panicked a bit earlier. I walked into the common room – for some reason I thought it was a great idea to go there, despite not knowing where my friends were. I felt everything go numb, I walked straight back out and leaned against the wall, trying to reconcile with myself that my breathing was too shallow and that I was getting frantic. A girl who I always thought thought I was stupid came up to me and asked if I was okay: not the patronising tone of someone who doesn’t care, but of someone who genuinely wants to know. “Are you waiting for someone?” she asked, and I said “Probably.” I knew she cared, even a little bit, which made me more happy than I can say because my classmates aren’t actually awful people.

After my French lesson from hell, I felt as if I was going to burst into tears. I went to the unit, met the other VI guy in my year (coincidentally we’re friends) and we chatted a little. I explained to him that in order to be able to stop myself from panicking, I had to DO something: that French homework, reading a book for English, anything that’ll make me feel productive. He didn’t quite get it, and asked if I practiced mindfulness – I don’t and I told him that it didn’t really work for me. Him trying to understand really made me feel better, because I was talking through my thought processes.

The head of VI (what we also call the unit) then came into the room and talked things out with me. She helped me to realise that I couldn’t do everything and it WAS hard, that I didn’t have to put so much pressure on myself but that she understood. That, coupled with Oak’s understanding, made it seem not so terrifying. I think I feel more positive now; I’ll have to catch up with French, plus do all the other extra work for my subjects, but I can do it. No crying, no fear; the only problem I’ll have is telling teachers I’m struggling. I still can’t do that much.

Every Friday since about midway through Year 11, a lot of my friendship group and I go to something we affectionately call ‘gay club’ – where LGBTQ+ people go to a classroom. I mean, we literally just hang out and yell a lot, but it’s great. Today, Wren brought cake and so 20 or so people turned up – some of which were straight but that didn’t matter – and there was the usual shrieking and I have no idea what most of the people were actually doing.

What was different about today was that someone knew turned up. She’s repeating year 12, and is friends with the year 13s that originally started the club (we’re all connected through various friendship groups) and she and I spent ages talking. She’s lovely, and we spoke about sexuality and how I call myself bisexual, but really, it’s not as defined as all that and it’s okay. She says it’s doubtful she’ll be coming back next week, but that we’d definitely see each other again; talking to someone new amongst people who were my friends was the greatest feeling because I was showing someone, who didn’t know before, who I was. I walked around the room a bit, mystified as to why my friends were piggy-backing each other across the floor and literally screaming, but then I returned to talk to her, Wren and a few others.

On the way to form, I laughed so hard that I nearly sobbed. I was walking with a friend – I called her Swan once so we’ll stick with it. She’s the type of person who you think is brilliantly insane, with crazy ideas that people look at her strangely for. However, she’s a really lovely person and has become a good friend to me the past few months: she laughs like a seagull, screams about Karl Marx, writes pisstake fanfictions about Donald Trump – but she’s ridiculously intelligent. We were walking to form, and I crashed into someone by accident. Because I’m cool, I full-on screamed (I was shocked okay!) which prompted so much laughter that I could barely stand up. It was just what I needed, honestly.

Today was also eventful (I sound like a news reporter ARGH) because I trusted someone with the fact that I had a blog. Pretty much the only friend I have in my form, he’s very thoughtful and just generally nice, though he was a bit of a dick to Willow so I’m not too happy about that. However, I was chatting to him about my difficulty with accompanying myself on piano when I sing, and we had the most lovely conversation. This is a paraphrase of what he said:
“You don’t write songs just to write them. Write them so that it’s genuine, so that people can tell it’s just from you rather than from just anyone. You can start simple, because sometimes, simplicity is the better option. Don’t try and overcomplicate things.” As always, he’s so right; I told him I had a blog because he’d said he doesn’t show anyone his songs, because of how personal they are. I can relate, with my songs and blog, and I told him that. It was lovely, because he just wasn’t bothered: he treated it like it was worth talking about, and didn’t dismiss it.

Despite the shitty start, my day ended amazingly. Laughing in history with Red, getting home and reading, and not feeling like the whole world is collapsing in on me like I did this morning. I mayh too much work to do, but that can wait for now; I’ll concentrate on myself for now.

If you’re having a bad day, try and look at the positives. Yes, it may just be one thing in a sea of negatives, but let that one thing make you happier. Some days are just awful, but in every day, there can be a reason to smile and bloody well be happy: I learnt that today. And if you can’t find a reason, you can make one.

Sometimes, days that you think will end up with you crying in a corner can, really, end with you remembering laughter.

From Elm 🙂

Having the Confidence to “Get Out There”

Whenever I want to tell you guys of a situation, I always procrastinate. I tell myself that I can never find the right words to say, I get panicked, and before it’s too late I eventually find the guts to post what’s been happening. Remember all the other times I’ve opened up? Yeah, this is one of those times.

When you’re writing, they tell you to get straight to the point within the first two paragraphs. Though I want to expand before, I’ll just say it here, as expanding comes after. There is a girl, and I’ll call her Jasmine.

After my breakup with Rapunzel, I absolutely refused to think about other people. It made me feel sick, angry and upset, because I convinced myself that if I did, I was obviously a terrible person. It’s only been since a couple of weeks ago, and especially at Prom, that I’ve allowed myself to properly consider that I can and have moved on, in the relationship sense of things (the emotions are still a bit muddled and confused, but that’s alright).

As much as I would have liked to have given myself more time to “move on”, as it were, it just wasn’t possible. What with exams, situations that blew up after the relationship ended and so much confusion that I couldn’t think straight, I didn’t exactly give myself a choice. Perhaps that wasn’t the wisest decision, but it’s done now and I can’t beat myself up about it.

Jasmine and I have been talking for about the past three weeks. You know me, and you know that I hate rushing things but it ends up happening anyway. As with many of my other “things”, I met her on the Internet. Wa-fucking-heyza, I KNOW that you’re thinking “Oh my god, Elm, PLEASE stop!” I’m sorry. I’m actually being somewhat careful this time.

I think that Jasmine is fabulous (a word we use to describe each other on multiple occasions). Pretty much every day since two weeks ago, we’ve talked on the phone. I know a lot about her and she does of me, and the good thing is that I’ve spoken to her foster mum and so I know she’s not some 40-year-old pervert.

Oh. Well, about being careful? I’m meeting her tomorrow. As in she’s coming to my house. Er, let me explain?

I remember, shortly after we started speaking, saying something about practicing going on trains. I was freaking out a little, because as you know, my independence is really important to me. The thing that convinced me she wasn’t a bitch was that she said, “I can help you if you’d like?” She offered, without me even asking; just that simple act of kindness astounded me. Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it’s rare that someone would just offer to help a blind kid out and would go out of their way. Ever since then, we’d discussed meeting up. She lives about 30-40 minutes away from me (and used to go to a school near me when she lived with a different family).

First of all, I was going to go to her house. Before anything could actually be arranged, I made sure that I knew her more – her flaws, her crappy qualities, and that she knew mine. Three weeks? You can get to know somebody in that time; not perfectly, but well enough. Unfortunately, my mum kind of freaked out.

I had to lie to both my parents. This is the thing I feel most guilty about. Not necessarily my mum – if she found out I spoke to people on the Internet, that would be it for me. No freedom, no internet, no trust ever again. However, my dad is so much more accepting. He knows I talk to people, like you guys, and encourages me to meet them as long as I’m with someone else. He would never, and I do mean never, allow Jasmine to come over if I hadn’t met her first; at the time, I was going to go to hers, but perhaps now he’d accept it? I told both of them that Jasmine was a friend of Ivy’s and that I’d met her at Ivy’s party. Luckily, both Ivy and Jasmine know the cover story (I just need to flesh out the details before she comes over tomorrow). I think mmum is a little suspicious, so I’m absolutely screwed if she finds out the truth. Lying is terrible and not the best course of action at all, and I feel bad for it, but otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do this.

I’m going to be totally honest with you here. I’m very scared of your reaction, because I know that this potentially is risky. Isn’t life about taking risks, sometimes? I really want the freedom to do what I want, and to meet who I want. When my mum kicked up a fuss about me going to Jasmine’s (“I don’t know her, or her foster parents, and I’m worried!” which were all extremely valid concerns), I got unbelievably upset because I felt like I was a baby or something. Thank God Jasmine was okay with it. Her foster mum is driving her, so that my mum gets to meet them both to know who they are.

The only people that know the full story of this are Wren, Ivy and partly Willow. To be honest, when Jasmine comes over, I’m pretty damn sure something’s going to happen. Maybe not to the level of what might’ve happened when I’d gone to hers, but maybe that’s for the best right now. There’s been a lot of what one might call “flirting”, and some innuendos, and luckily I didn’t feel sick when that happened, which is progress.

I’m judging myself. If we kiss, is that okay? I don’t know. I’m not against it happening, but I just feel so… Guilty? I’m attempting not to call myself some horrendous names, but it’s difficult when I have about three people that I’m “considering”. It makes me feel awful because shitting hell, my last relationship ended a month and a half ago! What does that make me?

The main fear that I have when she comes around tomorrow is that she might get bored. Though it could be considered strange to say, I don’t find myself a particularly interesting person, but hopefully the conversations won’t dry up. I’m planning to go for a walk with her, because she’s staying for a while (perhaps 8 hours or something), as she lives too far for it to be just a 4 hour thing.

Both Jasmine and I are firmly set in that we don’t want a relationship. She’s in no position to right now, and neither am I. With me, I don’t want to get attached to anyone much this summer. It’s not just with her, it’s with anyone: it may put me in a difficult position, but I’ll have to be alright with that. In sixth form, I need to have a new start, and if I’m in a relationship, I think that the stress and paranoia will be so bad that I won’t be able to do much. I’m weighing up my personal happiness with the want to kiss people. WOAH that’s bad!

It’s not perfect, in any way. If I ever mention Rapunzel, she gets really jealous. We’re both paranoid as hell, and that’s not really good, but we know that whatever happens we’re still there as friends. She smokes a lot, and if you know me, you’ll know I really dislike cigarettes/drugs (she’s only done the latter as a test rather than a regular thing) but if I want to not be judgemental, I won’t think of that as a big deal; it doesn’t change her as a person. She’s done many, many things physically that I haven’t even got close to doing, but she understands. There’s this pressure I have to get into a relationship, but I honestly can’t right now – again, she gets it.

Maybe this will turn out shittily in the long run. I may be taking a huge leap into unknown territory that will screw me over. I might get so hurt by this and this MIGHT be a terrible idea, but for now I’m just trying to be okay with myself. If that involves having a “fling” with someone, so be it.

I still have so many unresolved feelings. I want to go out there and get experiences, live in the moment for once and be happy. Yes, stress may be a by-product of that, but I’ll just have to deal with it.

Before I commit to anything, I need to just say that I still respect Rapunzel implicitly. She’s still my friend, and we still very much talk; I’m always going to be there for her whenever I can. THAT hasn’t changed.

God, it feels great to finally explain all of this. I hope I’m doing the right thing, but the “right thing” is subjective.

Do you think it’s alright to act like I’m acting? I don’t want to hurt anyone, or make anyone miserable.

Thanks for always being here, and I mean that. You all make my day, because you’re just so helpful.

From Elm 🙂

I Went to Pride!

I have honestly had one of the best days of my life – I’m still smiling and I feel unbelievably happy. Why? Because I went to my FIRST EVER PRIDE!!! (Okay Elm CALM)

Yesterday, Ivy (one of my best friends ever) and I organised a trip to London. We needed to buy French books – or well, we wanted to – and she’d found this really cute little European bookshop that sold so many books in different languages (Russian, Spanish, Portuguese, German and obviously French). We just decided to go and find it, by taking a bus and a train and searching around the surrounding streets.

We found it, and it was so so nice! The street it was on was so pretty and picturesque (so I was told) and then we spent ages in the shop. It was quiet, peaceful and amazing and is just the kind of little place that makes London so beautiful. After we left, we got something to eat and sat in this random covered walkway and chatted.

It was whilst we were sitting there that we talked about Pride. Both she and I wanted to go, but there was a little fear of anything happening that would be dangerous, due to the recent Orlando shootings. Because we’re spontaneous and we wanted to see what it was like, we hopped on a train (okay no, we just got on whilst being a bit nervous) to Piccadilly Circus.

God, I can’t even describe to you how I felt when we stepped off that tube and there was just noise as we entered the station proper. “ALL PEOPLE GOING TO THE PARADE, USE EXIT 4!” The nervousness and excitement was mounting and I had to breathe deeply to try and calm myself. We got out of the station, heard the music and cheering and whistles and then we were at Pride and it was beautiful.

I never quite understood the sentiment that you could get so emotional that it became overwhelming, but that’s EXACTLY how it felt in the first few minutes. The sun was shining and we were just walking through crowds, going back and forth through different streets. There were so many people, wearing “I Am Gay” t-shirts, signs that said “Love wins!” “Love is united!” and confetti and balloons and just INSANITY.

Ivy described it all to me. There were couples holding hands, kissing, and random people with rainbow dreadlocks wandering down the streets. The windows of shops and the archways were FULL of rainbows, Pride flags, music played from pretty much everywhere and all the people seemed to be talking and laughing. “I SAY LONDON, YOU SAY PRIDE!” was the highlight of when we actually got involved in crowds.

There were some streets that were quiet, and some that were so crowded that I couldn’t get my cane out and walk because I’d hit people. I kept shrieking “SORRY!” whilst holding Ivy’s arm, and cheering at random points throughout the times when different busses were going past.

We were going to meet Ivy’s friends on a whim, but that didn’t happen. We spent ages trying to find them, wandering up and down from Piccadilly to Trafalgar Square and back, and THEN it started raining. It didn’t quell the atmosphere, though; people were still clapping and cheering and throwing balloons.

I bought a rainbow Sash, wore it and took pictures which I then put on Facebook. It’s the first time I’ve more or less publicly declared I’m not straight. It felt so bloody freeing because I was wearing something with a rainbow on it, surrounded by crowds of people who were PROUD to be who they were.

The highlight of it was definitely having Ivy there. We were in London, at Pride which we hadn’t planned, properly enjoying ourselves and smiling. I loved it and I’m going next year, and nothing can damn well stop me.

I’m so happy, because my dad called me up before we went and basically told us we should. I said I was scared and he just said, “You should go, Elm.” He was proud of me for going and that’s the main thing that convinced me I COULD do this. He didn’t even bat an eyelid and was so so happy when I called him, through cheering crowds and yelled, “I’m at Pride, dad!”

Even my mum didn’t kick up a fuss when she saw it on Facebook. To be honest, even if she had, I wouldn’t have cared. I don’t think anything could ruin this day for me.

Fear didn’t stop people from having a good time. It didn’t stop us from smiling and from feeling we were part of something. We knew no one around us, but that was so good; we were people in a crowd of those who wanted to be there.

I’m proud to be part of the community. I’m proud that I had the confidence to just go to Pride because I FELT like that. I felt so incredibly comfortable with Ivy beside me, because we were just being us and revelling in the fact that WE WERE AT PRIDE, spontaneously.

Today was brilliant. Today was happiness, and freedom, and two girls’ unplanned journey into a world of loud music and amazingly happy people. Today was a leap into the new, and a day that started off with books and ended with a smile.

Today was Pride, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Unplanned or not, today was being proud of who we are.

From Elm 🙂

My Sexuality, in 14 Minutes

Hey, it’s a new “youtube video”!

This recording was inspired by the wonderful Em from Adventures of a Lost Teen. If you haven’t followed her already, you should because she’s brilliant and really inspirational to me as well. You can listen to my recording here.

If I offended anyone, I’m really sorry 😦 I was going to go into the whole “why do people hate gay people?” thing, but then I realised, EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT BELIEFS AND I DON’T WANT TO UPSET ANYONE.

“I’ll try and make it MUCH shorter…” HAHAHAHAAAAA nice one, Elm!

I really hope you like this. I want people to realise that talking about this is okay – for me, Em made the first step and allowed me to feel like I COULD make a recording about it. So thank you so much for that, you amazing girl; also, the way she describes things is perfect. ANYONE can talk about their sexuality and I love how she did it, because teens like us should be able to talk about it too. We’re people.

From Elm 🙂

ZZZZZZ ZZZZZ and Pretending to Do Exercise

So, a LOT happened today. Let me explain, expand, WHATEVER; I’m tired.

I branched out a lot. OH MY GOD SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!

I’m in year 11, and the year above us – sixth formers – set up what we affectionately called “The Gay Club”, or “Cweer Club” – spelt with a c because we’re cool or something. I went, along with… 8 of my friends? Or rather, 8 people from my group.

It was absolutely amazing, but it was more amazing because no teachers were there and we didn’t have to cringe whilst talking about our “coming out!” stories. I would have just walked out otherwise. It was nothing like you’d expect it to be, cause we were all just shouting and making morons of ourselves. It was great though, because I was around a LOT of my friends, and some people I didn’t know. It ended up with our friend – think I called her Swan once so let’s stick with it – SHRIEKING with laughter, then Wren and a few others changing the name of the club to ZZZZZZ ZZZZZ with different accents over each Z, so it’s pronounced “Cweer club”. No, I have no idea either.

The other thing that happened was in PE, I made a friend. Sort of. She’s what I’d term “popular”, so I’m a bit scared of her, but she, Willow and I just talked for the entire lesson. I never would have thought that she’d be just so nice, and she knows that Ash and I have issues and seemed to understand. We’re trying to get Willow a date for prom, and it was lovely to have that shared goal with someone. Remind me to talk to her again, and to do things like that more often.

I seem to be talking to more people, and it’s making me really happy. There aren’t many things I’m okay with in terms of myself, but this is one of them. I’m almost brave enough to talk to whoever I’d like – one step at a time, though.

Was your day good? S’m still reeling in shock from yesterday – HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!

From Elm 🙂

I Want to Write a Book Like Right Now

OHHHH my HOLY

Okay. The title explains it, but I have just had the blooming idea for a book and I CAN’T, oh god, I have ideas for TWO books! YES!

Phew. Calm down.

I’ve been thinking about this book for a while, and I’ve not got the plot fleshed out, but the motivation to write it came just now when I wanted to find some good LGBTQ young adult books. I’m in the mood for having a light read, because I just read some dystopia and then an AMAZING Sci-fi book called Qualify. Even though that was so amazing, I needed something to tide me over – maybe even a new series. I posted on my twitter, asking if anyone had any recommendations, and then I said:

“Or should I write my own?”

And BANG. The ideas formed. Not the characters, not the idea FOR the book – because I’ve got that figured out – but how I’m going to write it. What will the characters be like? Their voices, their personalities, how they tick? Chapters with names or numbers? Past or present tense? Love triangle or no love triangle? (Figured that one out already HAHA).

I need to write it. But how? HOW do I put this all together?

And, most importantly, would you like to read it?

I’m a teenager, wanting to write a book. What am I doing?! Ah, well; let’s see how it goes.

From Elm 🙂

Girls or Boys or Whatever, you know?

Sometimes, I want a relationship with a girl.

NO! That didn’t come out right. One second…

So, I… Like, I suppose you’d say, or am attracted to boys or girls or any gender, really. Not that it matters – I’m saying it for context, I guess. Physically, I’m attracted to both sexes. (Why am I labelling my sexuality like this? I am who I am. Much deep philosophy here).

But I’ve never had a “romantic” experience with a girl. “Saying that, my “romantic” experiences with boys aren’t much to go by, but I’ve had some.

I miss Cassia and Hazel so much sometimes it hurts. Cassia more, because FRANCE and that’s all I’ll say. She never confirmed she was attracted to girls, but the point is, it could have gone somewhere.

It’s not that I WANT a relationship with a girl. I don’t WANT a relationship with a boy; I’m not going to actively seek either. If something comes along, I’ll take it. If I get attracted to someone, so be it; I won’t complain.

The point is, I want to know what it’s like. In a way, I want to know what it’s like to like a girl and have her liking you back. (Not that that’s happened much with boys, but enough with my pity party shit).

Do you understand what I’m trying to say? And do you get that, too? Because I’ve never done much physically with ANYONE, but I have with boys more than I have girls (let me laugh for a second here).

It’s a mix of curiosity and realising I have the capacity to love ANYONE, regardless of gender.

Hmm… I’m so glad I’m getting back into the swing of things now. It’s bloody freeing.

Thanks for everything, guys.

What do you think about all this? What’s your sexuality, and are you comfortable with it? Because no matter what, you’re a person, regardless of who you like or don’t like. I’m not the best motivater for this kind of thing, but I try.

From Elm 🙂

I Am the Stereotype

Alright – I can officially say that I am NOT fond of having a crush on a straight girl.

If you don’t know who Cassia is, read this first, because I like being helpful and linking posts 😀

I am almost 100 percent sure that she only likes guys. Last night, we walked down to the beach with my friend (I NEED a name for her!) and a Scottish girl to find our other friends from BASE (that’s the teen camp). They weren’t there, so we walked for a VERY long time up and down until we eventually gave up and went to the foam party.

Whilst we were walking on the beach, we were talking about our boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever. And me, being the… Weirdo that I am, did a little digging and found out that she’s KIND of with someone? She’s a “side-bae”, as she calls it. Eheh. YEAH woohoo!

I AM bothered. More bothered than I was with Farmer. I’ll get over it, though; the problem is that she’s so, so lovely.

The foam party was amazing, though. I got COVERED in foam (mainly because we all threw foam at each other) and we stayed for about an hour. I just let go of all my “urgh what am I doing?!” and jumped around and danced and held her hands. I haven’t got that close to a girl before when I’ve been aware that I had a “crush” on them.

After we got out, we walked back to our caravans (I took advantage of the fact that I can’t see to hold her hand heh pervert much).

She wasn’t at BASE today (this morning] but hopefully we’ll see her at the pool. I haven’t got ANY chance with her, but it doesn’t really matter because I’m going to enjoy the time I’ve got with her.

Anyway – how have you guys been doing? I haven’t been talking to people much recently but it’s hectic over in France.

From Elm 🙂

NO NOT AGAIN!

OKAY. What is this even-

Right. I’m in France as a lot of you know.

I think I’ve mentioned him before, but there was a guy we knew last year that has come to this place, at this time – completely by coincidence. I call him the Farmer.

And yeah. I had a “thing” for him, because I thought that after everything that happened with Birch, I’d live a little.

Don’t get me wrong: Farmer’s great. Funny, etc, and he makes blind jokes (ALWAYS a bonus). But… Well, I got outdone by a girl from… Somewhere.

And I realised – well, I’m bothered, but I’m not THAT bothered. It’s okay, because he’s a bit of a… Flirt, anyway, and it was only a little feeling I have.

But NOW, I HAVE A PROBLEM.

BECAUSE MY REBOUNDING MIND DECIDED-

“Hmm…”
“No, you’re not doing this to me.”
“But all of the boys-”
“No, don’t do that JUST because none of the boys are availible or whatever! That’s not how it works!”
“But she’s nice.”
“Yeah, but do you like her because she’s THERE?”
“No no, she’s, um, nice and stuff and I held her hand earlier when she helped me stand up after we all went to the beach and I kept on holding it and-”
“Ugh, you’re HOPELESS!”
“But are we agreed that she’s really nice and that she probably doesn’t even like girls?”
“FINE! But I still say that you’re creating feelings out of nowhere.”
“Ohhh, bugger off.”

I… I’m screwed.

Let’s call the girl Cassia. She’s 16, from Wales, has a sister of the same name as me… I don’t know! HELP!

I’m attracted to her. WHY? WHY! WHY am I attracted to her?

She’s lovely, though. But like I said in my mind-conversation, do I like her because she’s there or because she’s HER?

Daaaaaamn.

What…?

Okay. I’m going to a foam party later (don’t know what it is) and she’ll be there (along with about a hundred other people). But we’ve arranged to meet (me, her, a girl from Scotland and the friend I’m in france with) at half nine (in 1 and a half hours).

Eek?

From Elm