Girls or Boys or Whatever, you know?

Sometimes, I want a relationship with a girl.

NO! That didn’t come out right. One second…

So, I… Like, I suppose you’d say, or am attracted to boys or girls or any gender, really. Not that it matters – I’m saying it for context, I guess. Physically, I’m attracted to both sexes. (Why am I labelling my sexuality like this? I am who I am. Much deep philosophy here).

But I’ve never had a “romantic” experience with a girl. “Saying that, my “romantic” experiences with boys aren’t much to go by, but I’ve had some.

I miss Cassia and Hazel so much sometimes it hurts. Cassia more, because FRANCE and that’s all I’ll say. She never confirmed she was attracted to girls, but the point is, it could have gone somewhere.

It’s not that I WANT a relationship with a girl. I don’t WANT a relationship with a boy; I’m not going to actively seek either. If something comes along, I’ll take it. If I get attracted to someone, so be it; I won’t complain.

The point is, I want to know what it’s like. In a way, I want to know what it’s like to like a girl and have her liking you back. (Not that that’s happened much with boys, but enough with my pity party shit).

Do you understand what I’m trying to say? And do you get that, too? Because I’ve never done much physically with ANYONE, but I have with boys more than I have girls (let me laugh for a second here).

It’s a mix of curiosity and realising I have the capacity to love ANYONE, regardless of gender.

Hmm… I’m so glad I’m getting back into the swing of things now. It’s bloody freeing.

Thanks for everything, guys.

What do you think about all this? What’s your sexuality, and are you comfortable with it? Because no matter what, you’re a person, regardless of who you like or don’t like. I’m not the best motivater for this kind of thing, but I try.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I Am the Stereotype

Alright – I can officially say that I am NOT fond of having a crush on a straight girl.

If you don’t know who Cassia is, read this first, because I like being helpful and linking posts πŸ˜€

I am almost 100 percent sure that she only likes guys. Last night, we walked down to the beach with my friend (I NEED a name for her!) and a Scottish girl to find our other friends from BASE (that’s the teen camp). They weren’t there, so we walked for a VERY long time up and down until we eventually gave up and went to the foam party.

Whilst we were walking on the beach, we were talking about our boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever. And me, being the… Weirdo that I am, did a little digging and found out that she’s KIND of with someone? She’s a “side-bae”, as she calls it. Eheh. YEAH woohoo!

I AM bothered. More bothered than I was with Farmer. I’ll get over it, though; the problem is that she’s so, so lovely.

The foam party was amazing, though. I got COVERED in foam (mainly because we all threw foam at each other) and we stayed for about an hour. I just let go of all my “urgh what am I doing?!” and jumped around and danced and held her hands. I haven’t got that close to a girl before when I’ve been aware that I had a “crush” on them.

After we got out, we walked back to our caravans (I took advantage of the fact that I can’t see to hold her hand heh pervert much).

She wasn’t at BASE today (this morning] but hopefully we’ll see her at the pool. I haven’t got ANY chance with her, but it doesn’t really matter because I’m going to enjoy the time I’ve got with her.

Anyway – how have you guys been doing? I haven’t been talking to people much recently but it’s hectic over in France.

From Elm πŸ™‚

NO NOT AGAIN!

OKAY. What is this even-

Right. I’m in France as a lot of you know.

I think I’ve mentioned him before, but there was a guy we knew last year that has come to this place, at this time – completely by coincidence. I call him the Farmer.

And yeah. I had a “thing” for him, because I thought that after everything that happened with Birch, I’d live a little.

Don’t get me wrong: Farmer’s great. Funny, etc, and he makes blind jokes (ALWAYS a bonus). But… Well, I got outdone by a girl from… Somewhere.

And I realised – well, I’m bothered, but I’m not THAT bothered. It’s okay, because he’s a bit of a… Flirt, anyway, and it was only a little feeling I have.

But NOW, I HAVE A PROBLEM.

BECAUSE MY REBOUNDING MIND DECIDED-

“Hmm…”
“No, you’re not doing this to me.”
“But all of the boys-”
“No, don’t do that JUST because none of the boys are availible or whatever! That’s not how it works!”
“But she’s nice.”
“Yeah, but do you like her because she’s THERE?”
“No no, she’s, um, nice and stuff and I held her hand earlier when she helped me stand up after we all went to the beach and I kept on holding it and-”
“Ugh, you’re HOPELESS!”
“But are we agreed that she’s really nice and that she probably doesn’t even like girls?”
“FINE! But I still say that you’re creating feelings out of nowhere.”
“Ohhh, bugger off.”

I… I’m screwed.

Let’s call the girl Cassia. She’s 16, from Wales, has a sister of the same name as me… I don’t know! HELP!

I’m attracted to her. WHY? WHY! WHY am I attracted to her?

She’s lovely, though. But like I said in my mind-conversation, do I like her because she’s there or because she’s HER?

Daaaaaamn.

What…?

Okay. I’m going to a foam party later (don’t know what it is) and she’ll be there (along with about a hundred other people). But we’ve arranged to meet (me, her, a girl from Scotland and the friend I’m in france with) at half nine (in 1 and a half hours).

Eek?

From Elm

For ONCE, I’m not Bitter About It

Conclusion reached: my friend Willow is a lucky bastard.

WHY?

BECAUSE she went on a weekend with her guides and got to meet LUKEISNOTSEXY FROM YOUTUBE.

YEP. She just bumped into him at a cafe (I think), had a chat for 10 minutes, went on the bus and cried because she was so happy. WHAT! Lucky girl, that one.

And she met a girl. OOH-LA-LA!

I won’t mention that girl’s name because, y’know, privacy, but I can tell Willow REALLY likes her. REALLY likes her. They just seem to work, you know?

Besides, I think it’s adorable. Willow called me up and I squealed because I’m like that.

After my escapades on Friday, I’ve kind of turned into the “JUST ASK HER!” girl.

I need to remember that it’s so difficult TO ask. Just because I freaked out and told Birch doesn’t mean it’s easy for Willow. Okay, it wasn’t easy for me but you get the picture.

I still think she should go for it. Not IMMEDIATELY, of course, getting to know someone first is always good. But they seem to know each other ALREADY, if you know what I mean? From what she describes, they have an instinctual connection.

For once, I’m not sad it’s not me who has that connection. I’m bloody ECSTATIC for Willow.

EYYYY, GET IN THERE! πŸ™‚

Just to let you know, I’m going to France tomorrow and won’t be back until the 31st, so no posts (unless you’d like me to schedule some?). And no reading of blogs, either 😦

Thanks for reading!

From Elm

OH… MY… GOD!!!!!

OH MY God

Ok the concert went REALLY well, and I got such a buzz afterwards and I LOVED it. I’ve never felt so alive as I did when I was singing.

BUT OH MY GOD

I received a reply.

And she said she’d felt something for me too.

Brain. Meltdown.

I but Birch and what should I do SHIT!

I’m either VERY, VERY happy right now or VERY, VERY, VERY confused. I think it’s both.

I…

HELP!

If I’d Known Her More, I Would Have Loved Her

Okay… I’m scared the person who this post is about will find out about this, but… Whatever. I can deal with it.

So you know that post where I said I would talk about a crush I had on a girl? Well. Here we go.

I’ve been attracted to three girls to a large degree before. Two I absolutely refuse to talk about for various reasons – yeah… Let’s not go into that.

The third was very recent.

Right, so you know how I can’t see? I went on a revision course at a blind school (won’t say where). And yes, if you happen to find this and went on that, just… Yeah. I…

So the revision course. I was terrified, because I don’t get on with blind people very well most of the time because I don’t fit in.

This girl. Let’s call her Hazel, because she was special to me and people who mean something to me get naturey names.

Hazel is lovely. She’s INCREDIBLY intelligent and I admire her. She’s my age, is honestly so adorable, she composes, she’s amazing, and we can talk for ages.

I wasn’t attracted to her to begin with, I don’t think. But I wanted to talk to her. We walked to lessons together a LOT, sat by each other a lot. She was about the only person I could comfortably carry on a conversation with – MORE than comfortably!

It was on the second day. I remember that. We’d been talking, the previous day, and she’t said that her parents weren’t really accepting of people from the LGBTQ community. And that they weren’t very accepting in general.

I wanted to tell her then. Because I didn’t know her before, but I thought – is she a homophobe? Or whatever you call someone who’s against bisexuality. Biphobe? Nah…

The next day, we had talked even more. We were… Close.

And I told her.

“Um, Hazel… You know how you said your parents weren’t very accepting of people who weren’t straight? Are you… Are you against it too?”

“No! No, of COURSE not!”

“Well yeah um I’m bi…”

“Oh okay! Yeah… I think I might be too.”

“Wha… Really?”

I was the first person, besides one of her friends, who she’d told. In fact, I don’t even think she’d told her properly. She said she was more gay than bi.

And then something happened in my mind.

I don’t know if it was just because we both knew we liked girls. I honestly hope it wasn’t, because Hazel is so great and so nice that I probably would have fancied her anyway, but I must have suppressed it or not even realised it was an option.

And then for the rest of the time, it was torture.

It gets fuzzy. When things happened, in what order, that kind of thing. But I remember what they were, and how they made me feel.

I had to stop myself from getting too close.

She was so innocent, I suppose. Never swore, which was so different to me – well, you KNOW me and my swearing tendencies!

I remember, distinctly, when we discussed music. She asked me to play for her, and to sing. And so after a few protests from me, I did. I came back to the seats after I’d finished the song – I play piano and sing – and she it was amazing, and beautiful. And that she wasn’t as good.

Which is STUPID because she is. I heard her play, once, when she was in her room. I came in and just stood there, because it was so beautiful.

We sat so close all the time. Maybe that was just me being a creep, but I just wanted… Something.

We went on the coach to go bowling on the last day. I sat next to her, and we talked so much, and we touched hands so much too, because she said my hands were perfect for piano playing and that hers were just horrible. So, of course I had to prove her wrong. I sound like such a weirdo, but… I don’t even care.

See? Every second of the day. In lessons, when she was around, when she WASN’T.

She taught me how to play chess, too. I lost, obviously, but it was just such an amazing moment.

When we left to go home, she and I hugged for so long. There was just so much pent up emotion, and I remember all the little moments. The ways we spoke and the things we said, and every pause between sentences where we just sat in comfortable silence.

I don’t think she felt the same way, but it just proves to me that I CAN like both boys and girls.

I miss her. I miss her a LOT. We said things to each other, and complimented each other, and now I miss her.

I wasn’t in love with her. I just liked her, a lot.

Should I tell her?

If I ever meet her again, I think those feelings will come back. But I just don’t know.

Oh, thank god I wrote that! I needed to get it off my chest.

WHY Do you Kill?

This is an INCREDIBLY controversial topic and may be upsetting to people. Apologies if this affects you badly. It doesn’t matter to me how much attention this post gets; I’m getting my thoughts out.

First of all, congrats to America on legalising gay marriage across all states! πŸ™‚ And to those who say it is a breach of democracy, I say this: that is hypocritical, as before, America (and many, many others) allowed gay people to be abused. That is all.

Just wondering: do you want me to make a post on that later? I have several things lined up I want to talk about πŸ˜€ Would you be interested in reading my thoughts on it?

The topic I want to talk about now is the recent shootings in Tunisia.

It makes me sick.

If you’re GOING to kill, kill the people who deserve it. Not the people who have done NOTHING to you.

Those people? They’ve got a family. They’ve got lives. BOOM, gone. For WHAT?

Please correct me if I’m wrong because I’m not good on scripture, as I’m not religious and believe in no God. In the Qur’an, it says something along the lines of this: “Do not take a life that Allah has made sacred, except for a just cause.”

Is THIS just? Those that say they are Muslim, who have orchestrated these attacks – what is just about killing those who have done NOTHING to you except exist, exist and be THERE?

I think in the Qur’an it also says that you may only be permitted to kill if you are being persecuted for your religion and run from your homes. Are you? Are these people doing that?

I could get death threats, now. I don’t care. I want to say what I WANT to say, because I live in the UK and we have free speech, and I’m saying that THIS IS WRONG!

People persecute many Muslims now, and THAT’s wrong. It’s only a SMALL percentage that are doing this. And to THAT small percentage I say:

If Allah is out there, what would he think of you? WHY do you do this? Educate me, go on! Tell me why you opened fire on a beach of tourists.

This makes me ill. This can happen to ANYONE.

Rant over. I’m sorry. I’m just angry and upset.

What are your thoughts? Any criticism or challenging of my beliefs welcome πŸ™‚ As long as there is no religious hatred. (Although then agaiIn, aren’t I doing that by being hateful towards these people?)

When A Book Ends – “What am I supposed to do now?”

I feel very, very hollow right now. In a… Good way, don’t worry.

I’ve just finished Lies We Tell Ourselves by Robin Talley.

I don’t think you realise the significance of that.

I just finished a book that left me so happy I wanted to cry. In one of the chapters I REALLY did cry because it was so fantastic.

I NEVER cry with happiness at a book. I never have before. So I know, of course, that this book is going to leave a lasting impression on me.

This isn’t a book review. This is just a thought process.

The relationship between Sarah and Linda was one of the best things I’ve ever read. I loved both of them.

I wish I had something like that, sometimes. Not Sarah’s situation, but the love they held for each other.

And now, the book’s left me hollow. It ended in a spectacular way, but I want to know what happened to them. I want to know how their relationship developed after the book ended.

I just want to know.

You know when something leaves such an impact that you feel empty, and you don’t know what to do with yourself? Yep – that’s what just happened. I’m going to miss that book. I loved it and it will stay with me forever.

Please, read it. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking in its beauty.

AHA! Sexuality and All That Jazz

Well damnit, it’s time I made a bloody post on this, right?

Coming out is fucking stupid.

No NO – I don’t mean people shouldn’t have to come out as gay, bi, trans, asexual etc. People need labels so people know, and the world is so unaccepting that it’s horrible. “What, you don’t like boys? WHAT! WHAT! YOU SICK-” NO. Just no!

I MEAN THAT PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO COME OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

You shouldn’t be straight unless proven otherwise. You should be UNDECIDED UNTIL IT’s CLEAR TO YOU WHICH GENDERS YOU LIKE AND DO NOT LIKE!

This makes me so, so angry.

Why?

Because I’m bisexual.

There. Said it.

I ‘came out’, though not publically. I told people if it came up. I told my friends of course so they’d talk about both girls and boys. But no one else knows – because why should they?

If they assume I’m straight, that’s THEIR problem.

Ugh. I’m going to post later about a small crush I had on this girl – I HATE doing two posts a day; it makes me feel odd.

What are your thoughts on this topic? I hope it doesn’t cause too much controversy.

From Elm