My Love Life is Officially a Joke

I routinely piss myself off on a daily basis, by calling myself several derogatory names and shrieking at my indecisiveness. However, finally, I think I’ve vaguely figured out what I want to do about my laughable “love life”. That consists of updating you, mostly.

My god it’s so hot, like 30 degrees, and I can’t think! Oh well; I’ve needed to write this for a while. It’s been building up, and I rather stupidly did nothing about it.

Jasmine is my first worry. Or rather, the first thing that I have to explain. If you don’t know who she is, then have a look at this post. Upon reading it, it seems perfect, but as with life, nothing is. Doesn’t THAT sound like a terrible ending to a story…

It’s not just hearts and flowers. In fact, it’s so far from that. You know that I’m still not judging myself for anything I did, because I was and am happy to do all that shit, but not right now. I don’t feel sick, which is great because for the first time, I wasn’t calling myself disgusting for nothing something I wanted to do. On the other hand, most of you know that I have quite bad paranoia issues, which I often refuse to make into anything serious because it really isn’t. Jasmine herself has a lot of issues, much worse than mine could ever be: paranoia, anger, and coupled with the way that I sometimes act, for this to carry on wouldn’t be healthy for either of us.

The main thing that tipped me off for attachment not being the best thing was that whenever I didn’t message her for a day, I felt awful. Guilty, pissed off with myself and paranoid that she hated me. Sometimes, she gets upset that people ignore her which is understandable, and one day – Thursday – she told me to leave her alone because she was having a bad day, and somebody who she “liked” had ignored her after an argument they had. Something snapped inside of me then, because as much as I respect her as a friend, I cannot be dealing with that, especially when I’m trying to figure myself out. Uncertainty is terrifying.

What I’m very nervous of is that she may get angry. Her behaviour can sometimes be described as erratic, not least because of some of the things she’s been through. I know it may seem out of the blue, but before, I didn’t mention it. Of course, I knew it was there, as it was pretty easy to spot, but to me it didn’t matter as we hadn’t done too much then. Now, if she acts in a bitter way towards me (I wouldn’t blame her), the likelihood is that I would just shut down, block her out and carry on with my life. Is that heartless?

I spoke to Wren about it, and though I’m still very conflicted and feel awful if I just ditch her, for me, it may be the best option. Yes, I feel like a user, but nothing can be done about that. I have to take the low road, rather than letting my emotions spike and having a repeat of the “you’re too clingy and won’t leave me alone” conversation I had with Ash well over a year ago. Jasmine is great, but there are downsides to every person. Who knows – I may regret this horribly. I won’t be giving her a hugely long paragraph to say goodbye, because the finality of that makes me want to cry, but I’ll just sidle away. God, how underhanded is that? No wonder my mind ran around in circles for the past week thinking about this.

I’ve given you a terrible explanation. To elaborate, as much as I wish I could spend days with her, that would lead to getting feelings that I couldn’t cope with. Perhaps being selfish is alright in this situation, as neither of us could have a relationship. There’s just much too much ‘baggage’, from both sides. Ordinarily, if I was in a relationship mindset, I would help her and support her, but I literally can’t: not when I’m trying to be myself. Now, I’m trying to ignore the screams inside my head that tell me that I should be a better person.

In terms of what I wanted at the beginning of the summer, I haven’t changed my mind much. Because I’m still scared of getting in too deep, I don’t want a relationship. I want freedom. When I go into sixth form, I need a new start, and over the summer I want to be able to have something very small, and have it not make me feel like a manipulating bitch. Unfortunately, I’ve learned with Jasmine that it’s easier said than done, and that I need to be careful about how I act and how I think about myself. Thinking about the other person is also very important, and how they feel.

I want something innocent, in a way. Not laiden down with mixed feelings and anger, or too serious physical contact, so that I can slow down for a bit. Once more, I don’t regret what happened with Jasmine because it was a very good experience, but still. Sometimes, you need to step back, and that’s okay.

Concentrating on friends is also what I need to prioritise. Yes, my happiness is important, but the love that fills my heart whenever I help a friend out or have 1 AM conversations is what I live for. Before I go on holiday, I want to at least meet up with a few RL friends. The internet friends can wait until after Results’ Day.

Speaking of internet friendships, yesterday I was extremely happy. As much as possible, I want to capture that feeling. Walking in the sunlight, sitting on a bench and chatting, and feeling like my heart was about to explode from grinning. If I can replicate that, it would make my day. All I want is to be happy, and I know that I can be that in Italy, Thailand, after the Results, and all throughout my holiday and my life if I try hard enough.

Though my love life isn’t what you’d call stable, I’m actually so happy with that. In life, I try to play things by ear, and to do things in a spontaneous way if I can. Love, or feelings, aren’t planned and so that needs to reflect in my attitude.

I have shitloads of hope for the future. Maybe I will call myself a horrible name, like a slag, on several occasions because I lean closer to someone, or I wonder what it would be like to kiss them before I shut those thoughts down. Maybe I’ll yell at myself every time I consider how it would feel to have someone’s arm around me in a romantic sense. I should stop calling myself that, because it’s human nature, and it’s alright as long as I don’t play with emotions.

Unlike how I felt at the start of the post, I really think I can do this. I’ll try not to get trapped in the cycle of feelings: I can just live however the hell I want to, bitches.

Err, sorry. I feel empowered, I suppose.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Guest Post – Trapped Behind

Hi, viewers of Elm’s blog:

It’s me, L, you know, me! L, off of
Consider Yourself Warned…

I’m actually writing this post without even letting Elm know that I’m writing it; I’ll text and ask her permission in a little while, obviously before publishing. Although I don’t even think I have the rights to publish… Hmmmmm….

What am I even wanting to talk about today? Well, I want to talk about life. Vague, L, vague…

I was thinking earlier on today [although it’s only 6am, so it was very early] about walls.
No, seriously, I haven’t lost it, promise…
If yu’re in your room, I bet you’re used to your walls: their colour, there little imperfection, the area where the wallpaper is just beginning to peel away from the wall. When I was younger, I used to think that there was nothing outside of my four, plain, dull-coloured walls. Outside of my small, compact room, I thought there was nothing, that everything was already here, and that was the end of it.
Even to this day, I sometimes forget that there’s a world outside, that there’s more to life than my four walls.

If you read my blog [which you really should], you’ll know that recently, I’ve had a bit of a whirlwind journalism experience, with my story being picked up, with a resulting radio show, TV segment and live radio interview. I think that only when I stood outside BBC Broadcasting House in London, my phone at the perfect angle for a selfie did something finally click into place in my head:
There’s more to life than those four walls.
Trapped by my own naรฏvetรฉ, I’d never considered what was really out there, available for me to grab at. Until then, I’d been living my life around conventions; living by the unspoken rule of society, living not for myself, but for the tradition of society.

What am I trying to say, exactly? Well, live. Live your life, grab at experiences and opportunities. Escape from your four walls, however frightening it may be – and yes, it is frightening. Stepping outside the world in which you’ve lived for your childhood is frightening, full of opportunities to screw up, make mistakes and end up in trouble. But listen: it’s not scary. There are people just like you and me, and trust me, if you can take the step out from behind your four walls, the hardest part is over.

I hope this made an inkling of sense, and that it’s made you think; about what, I don’t know, but thinking is good, and apparently burns calories… I’m all in!

L XX

16 years, 16 Weeks Early and I’m DAMN WELL ALIVE

I’m scheduling this post because I’m an absolute REBEL.

It is L‘s birthday. AND my birthday.

I’m 16 years old. WHAT THE HELL I’m 16 YEARS OF AGE.

I don’t often care, or even bother mentioning, that I’m shocked I’m still alive and ONLY with vision loss. I SHOULD have more problems. This girl, who’s a few years older than me, was born 16 weeks – or maybe a bit less – early, and her internal organs don’t really work. I’m blind. That’s it. And I’m so fucking thankful for that, but just WHY?

Survival rate was low when I was a baby. I was in an incubator for ages. BUT SURVIVING FOR ME WASN’T SOME MIRACLE. I just did. I just am, and that’s all there is to it.

People say I should be lucky that I’m alive. Maybe they’re right, but I’m NOT lucky. I just am. I’m here, I’m alive, and it’s not something to be celebrated. Yeah, I had a high chance of dying or developing other problems. Maybe I still WILL develop those.

It might seem weird that I’m so nonchelant about it, but I’ve never really had to think about the fact that I’m still here. It was NEVER an issue, never raised as one, never really celebrated except when my parents got emotional.

But for now? I’m living. I’m breathing. It’s not ASTONISHING – it just is. That’s how I often describe my life.

I’m not some inspiration. I’m just a human, a 16-year-old human in this messed-up world who’s trying to get by as well as any other human. I’m ME.

I guess I’ve never had an overappreciation for life. Life’s what it is, but now I’m starting to realise what living really is. I’m not philosophical about it; I don’t go round telling people they should live while they can and be thankful for life, because hell knows that it’ll make no difference – people live their lives how they want.

I want you to know that I’m just me. Whatever happens, I’m me. It strikes me as strange that I’m still here, still alive, but then I realise it’s just something that is. I may have been BORN 16 weeks early, but now I’m just me.

Thanks so much for reading. I don’t say it enough. You KNOW how deep-thinking I get at this time of night; it gets especially strong when I’m contemplating life and death and everything in between.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

BGTB – Week 4: What to Blog About

I’m a miserable little child and FORGOT TO DO WEEK 3 OF THIS WELL DONE!

In case you didn’t know, my amazing friend ateenagediaryonline is hosting something called Beginner’s Guide to Blogging and this time, it’s week 4, where we have to post about what we post about. CONVOLUTED? Err no, not really.

So I’ll put my own little spin on things, that isn’t really original. but shh I’m a complete and utter rebel so I do things my own way. Shut UP, ELM!

I don’t have a set theme for posting, except, well, life. You have beauty bloggers, book bloggers, fashion and travel and art bloggers, and then you have me. By that, I mean, I just blog about whatever the hell I like, WHEN I like, on whatever topic I like.

When you start a blog, you CAN pick a theme. You can blog about some good beauty products, or document your travels or write about politics or animals or ANYTHING you’re passionate about. Alternatively, you can just write about your life, which is what I do, mixed in with various other things like rants about music or people in general.

I’m a TERRIBLE example when it comes to posting about one set topic, so I just don’t. I don’t like the pressure; I just want this blog to be personal and about ME as a person, and maybe you too.

If you’re stuck for ideas, try some of these out, and put your OWN spin on it (like I didn’t do)

Christmas (if you celebrate it)
And if you don’t, what DO you celebrate? (For example, Eid or Hanukkah)
A random story from your life – it can be ANYTHING
Talk about a topic you have a passion for, like photography or writing or music, and maybe show us a bit of your work (that would be amazing)

Always remember: post what YOU want to post, not what anyone’s telling you to post. Don’t post because you feel pressured; post because you REALLY want to and you have that spark that gets you motivated.

Hope you liked this! What kind of stuff do you post about, and when you started blogging, did you have a set theme and have you kept to that?

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

So, Would I Ever Meet a Blogger?

Throughout the day, I’ve been exchanging hilarious and somewhat thought-provoking voice messages (on WhatsApp yes it’s my new obsession) with this amazing dude and it got me thinking.

I’ve skyped a few bloggers – Tiegan, Letters to Emma, Crystal, Amy (Every Word You Say) and a few others (I feel like I’m bragging sorry!) but I just asked myself: would I ever have the guts to meet a blogger?

Hypothetically, yes. I would LOVE to meet some of you guys – ALL of you guys really. But then, you get the logistics of it, because we all live in different countries and some of us are annonymous (like me whoops) and some of us would just be too nervous to meet up – PROBABLY like me.

But, you know, screw logistics. What would be amazing is if there was, one day, a massive teen blogging meet up. That would actually make my life.

The POINT of this post is just to say, I think you guys are awesome. I’d love to skype more of you, if you’re COMFORTABLE with it of course (no showing of the face don’t worry, because of my err LACK OF SIGHT). I sometimes like to know the voice behind the words, and it would be great to get to know some of you better by having a conversation outside of blog comments/twitter/kik or anything like that.

You’ve all made a massive impression on my life, and I want to say thank you, I guess. I’ve also got to thinking about the whole “meeting up” thing and it’s making my brain whir at an alarming rate. I’m not sure why – I’m an ANNONYMOUS BLOGGER, but I genuinely consider a lot of you my friends, and so of COURSE I’d like to meet you.

Then again, a conversation can be carried out JUST AS EASILY by text as by voice. All friendships are valid, regardless if they’re made on the internet or in “real” life. I think that’s important to say, because I’ve NEVER spoken (on voice) to most of you, yet you’re the best people I could ever hope to know.

Would YOU ever meet a blogger? Like, for instance, your closest blogging friend? It’s a bloody scary thought, but there you go.

BAH, this post made no sense whatsoever. And it’s only 5 past 10 at night.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Live

There was something that Birch said to me once that at the time, I didn’t take in but now, I’m starting to take it on board. I want you to hear it too, because I think we ALL need it. Funny that, because my feelings for him at the time are so far removed from what they are now, but no matter: it still applies.

I was stressing over homework and he said something like this to me:

“Elm! What have I told you about worrying? You just have to live your life. Have a laugh. Life’s too short.”

And DAMN, he’s right. I wish I’d listened to him sooner, but I’m listening to him now. I’m listening to EVERYONE now.

Unless you believe in reincarnation, you only have one life. And even if you DO believe in reincarnation, you only have one life NOW, so live it.

I want you to know that you’ve always got support. But DON’T lock yourself away in sadness, if you can help it. Smile. Laugh. Feel as light as air and grab every opportunity that comes your way.

I’ve learned something recently. I’ve learned that no matter what, I shouldn’t take life so seriously. I’m NOT stuck in a rut of misery, because I have people to help me and besides, I’m ME and I’m here and I’m living. I’ll CONTINUE living, as best as I can.

You do that, too. It’s going to be difficult – for me, and maybe for you too – but we’ll manage. We’ll balance deep thinking and laughter, because it’s the only thing we can do.

It’s clichรฉ, but I don’t want you to just survive.

I want you to LIVE.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

The Future Challenge!

EEK. Oh god, I haven’t been reading blogs. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Thank you SO much to Rei for nominating me for this challenge; you’re great! ๐Ÿ™‚

The Rules:
1. Thank the blogger who nominated you.
2. Share 5 things about your future (jobs, kids, marriage, travel etc). Then one day you can look back and find out how psychic you really are.
3. Tag 5 bloggers and put them up to the challenge.
4. Link back to the challenge creator, Dreams and Movie Screens so she can track your progress.

My 5 things about the future:
1. If I could, I would love to be a professional singer-songwriter. It’s my dream, really.
2. But I’ll probably end up working with something to do with writing, like journalism, which I’d ALSO love to do. Either that or working in a publishing house.
3. I want to go away somewhere to university that isn’t close to my house.
4. Having kids is in NO way on my priority list until I get settled, but even then I just don’t really want them. (Remind me to write a post on that).
5. I haven’t got it figured out as to if I want to see where life takes me, or if I want to plan.

And I tag:
1. Odd

2. Tosin

3. Bhramori

4. Keelin

5. Curious Teen

If you’ve done it already, you don’t have to do it again ๐Ÿ™‚

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

The “What if?” Challenge

So, I decided – like the arrogant so-and-so I am – to create an award! YAY!

You get many awards where you just answer a series of questions, and then ask some in return, and nominate bloggers. You get things like the Allergic to E Challenge and Freestyle Writing Challenge, which are VERY creative and amazing.

I hope mine will be… Passable.

I’m going to set a question to my nominees. And that question will ALWAYS start with “what would your life be like if…?” I’ll write up some rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you, and link to their blog. (That’s like a bloody MUST, right?)

2. Answer the “What if?” question, set by the blogger.

3. Your answers can be as long or short as you like, but they must be at LEAST two sentences.

4. Nominate 5 bloggers – the number doesn’t really matter, but 5 is a guideline.

5. Ask a question of your own, but it MUST start with “What would your life be like if…?”

C’est fab.

I’m going to set a question for myself, because I’m just that cool.

What would your life be like if your name was different?

I think, to be honest, it WOULD be different. A name really CAN define us – not saying it SHOULD, but it does. Perhaps, though, it would be exactly the same. You never CAN tell, but I have a gut feeling SOMETHING would be different.

I’m going to nominate:

1. Aiden

2. Odd

3. Luna

4. Tiegan

5. Every Word You say

6. Letters to Emma

AAAND the question I’m going to set:

What would your life be like if you couldn’t speak?

I hope you enjoy this challenge! ๐Ÿ™‚ Let’s hope it doesn’t die a pathetic death *sniff*