I don’t Exactly Believe Her, but Ah Well

So, there’s this girl in my friendship group and I don’t often talk to her, but I’ve known her for years. She’s friends with my friends Holly and Fern and today, she called me a nice person.

I was sitting on a bench, eating (as you casually do) and she came and sat next to me. Just some context: we TALK, but not often; I find her nice and funny but we’re in no way close.

Except today, I think we got that bit closer. She told me about how she used to feel left out when talking to Holly and Fern, who are really good friends and always have been. How, when they split friends for a time, she told them both how she felt and they promised not to do it again if they were ever friends, and how they didn’t keep that promise and that they make her feel left out again. How she stands next to them and they’re talking and she says she feels left out, and they apologise but go back to their conversation.

This is what happens, isn’t it? You accidentally shut out a member of the group and it’s so sad. I have a problem: Fern and I are very close, I’d say, and I’ve been through so much with Holly that I trust her. So, I can’t ‘take sides’, but I listened to this girl and tried to help her as much as possible. For sixth form, she’s going to a college near Wales and won’t be here next year, and so she’s leaving everyone behind and doesn’t want her last year to be like this, where she says she’s treated like shit all the time and shut out.

And, well, I felt terrible. Without realising, I didn’t talk to her much either. I know what it’s like to sit by yourself and feel so so shit and like every single person couldn’t be fucked to talk to you and it’s horrible. I said as much, that I knew where she was coming from, and that I was always here when she needed to talk. My ‘inner Elm’ came out, which doesn’t often happen with people I don’t know that well, but I felt horrendous for her even if I wondered WHY she was telling ME. Me, the girl who sticks to her little group – but no matter; she told me anyway and I’m glad she trusted me.

I gave her a hug and talked things through with her, interspersed with bouts of humour from the others around us. I said, again, that if she EVER needed to rant or talk, I was here. I said she should talk to Fern and Holly and let them know how she felt, AGAIN. It’s tricky for her and I just wanted to help. All of this makes me sound arrogant.

It was then that she called me a nice person. “You’re such a great person, Elm! Thank you so much.”

I’m confused.

Why thank me? It’s what I’m here for, really. I don’t NEED to be thanked – to be honest, I am scared I’ll just forget about her and her problems, which makes me a BAD person. I don’t know what I was trying to do but at the time, I didn’t feel nice. I just felt sneaky and bad for not talking to her when I SHOULD have, because her being lonely has never even crossed my mind. That’s bad, right?

And, well, what if I’m just a fake? I don’t think I’m THAT nice, if at all. I STILL have massive self-loathing issues, but there you go. It can’t exactly be helped.

Guys, if you ever see someone in your group who you might overlook or who seems a little lonely, have a chat to them. Just something simple, maybe. It’ll help them, and you, cause it makes YOU feel more positive and god knows we need that sometimes.

From Elm 🙂

… Er, Lonely? The Hell?

The beginning of today was god-awful. The end was AMAZING.

Right now, I’m going to talk about the beginning. Briefly. In my next post, I’m going to talk about the end, which will make me MUCH happier. But I need to get these words down.

Today, I was lonely.

I don’t think that QUITE described it. I think I was scared?

I realised I NEVER make an effort to get to know people. I never get involved with social things. But I’m not talking about that because I’m just not. Ask me privately if you want, but I just can’t put it here.

Can I please just say, to any IRL people reading this, none of this was your fault. I didn’t make an effort to talk to anyone much so just don’t feel guilty or anything. I literally can’t deal with it because it wasn’t your fault.

It was at lunch. Willow had gone somewhere with an old friend of mine and I’ll get onto that some other time because just no I can’t. Not her fault at all no seriously. Odd was… Nearby, but I’ll get to that in a minute. Red was on prefecting duty.

It’s not like I didn’t have anyone. I spoke to my friend Fern a LOT, laughed so hard when people started trying to wax each other (they were going to do that for charity week but it got canceled I think). It was reasonably fun, though Cedar got REALLY angry because some twat put a strip on his arm and he had to rip it off. Although right now I’m supposed to be slightly irritated with him so…

But anyway. Onto the crap.

I was just scared. I have this acute fear of being abandoned – of being lonely, I think it is, and it stems back to primary school, then being dumped by my last boyfriend who then left the group completely, and the recent things that have happened with Ash. It got to the point where I felt myself shutting down and I had to curl up for a while and breathe. It wasn’t ALL bad, don’t get me wrong – I just felt weird and angry and terrified for NO reason whatsoever!

Sorry. I guess I’m just trying to reason with myself. I remember some of the good points about that lunch but I remember the violent feeling I got when I looked out in front of me and NOTHING was there. Just an empty expanse.

Then again, I didn’t even make an effort to socialise. I never do and it’s bothering me.

I’m not used to feeling like this. The last time I remember feeling this lonely for a LONG period of time – months I mean – was in primary school. It wasn’t like that now but it brings me back.

I just KNOW that I’m going to regret posting this. Red keeps up with my blog, which surprises me – if you’re reading this, hia! But yeah, I don’t mind him reading this. Or Odd. Or whatever.

Look out for the happy post. 🙂