I Actually Enjoyed Shopping?

In my younger years (I sound like an old woman) I was notorious for hating shopping, scorning the thought of myself wearing makeup, and not wanting to go to the effort of going outside to do something for myself – entirely for me. Today, I flipped that on its head, and realised some parts of my personality have changed drastically.

When I’m at my dad’s house, I’m often happier and strive to be independent. Such was the case when my dad asked me on Thursday, “Elm, want to do anything at the weekend? Maybe we could go out on a walk or learn some routes, like going on the bus or something.” I’m blind and so my independence means a lot to me, as it’s abismally low, which meant that I jumped on the opportunity.

“Actually,” I said yesterday when I was transferring from my mum’s to my dad’s, “Can I go out and get some makeup brushes and makeup?” No one was more surprised than I was (except most likely my mum). Over the last year and a half, I’ve steadily warmed to the idea of makeup: I don’t think I’d wear it all the time, but I know it makes me feel confident. Not because of my appearance because I can’t see myself, but it’s a new thing, an extra little add-on that – if I apply it myself – gives me faith in my own abilities, if that makes sense?

After having stayed up until 4 (I still have a pretend grudge against the bloggers I skyped until then) I was exhausted; I woke up at 11, relaxed, had a shower, brushed my hair and made myself feel as relaxed and happy as possible because I knew if I went out today with a bad mindset I’d give up and not want to do what would make me feel better: taking control of myself. I took the first steps to do that by putting perfume on, and wearing clothes that I actually like; it’s little things like these which make me feel secure.

At my stepmother’s insistance, I wasn’t guided by my dad and I walked the (short) distance to the bus stop. I embarrassed myself by not being able to find the card reader thing (I live near London) and getting pissed off, stepping aggressively down the bus and then losing contact with my dad, meaning that I couldn’t find a seat and nearly sat on someone… That was great.

When I arrived at the shops, I got stressed: I knew what I wanted, but I was paranoid I wasn’t getting the right thing. Rapunzel, a close friend of mine, has helped me because I’m literally terrible at everything to do with beauty. I asked her for advice, and used my (limited) skills to find out what I liked.

I bought:
Four brushes from Real Techniques:
• A foundation brush
• Concealer brush
• Shadow brush (for eyeshadow I think
I KNOW NOTHING)
• Powder brush
• Foundation from Bare Minerals
• Perfecting Veil from Bare Minerals
• Two packs of makeup wipes from Boots
• I’m not turning into a beauty blogger; that would be hilarious because me +beauty =disaster

In the midst of shopping, I had to deal with some, errm, emotional panic, so that wasn’t great, but I soon looked over it because I was happy as I was being independent with my actions. Not once did I feel bored, or frustrated at not being able to decide; I spoke to three shop assistants and didn’t feel out of place. They didn’t make me feel like a child.

This afternoon, I learned that it’s okay to change your opinions. It’s alright to go out there, ‘do what you want, and not judge yourself for it. I’ve accepted that I’m intrigued by the thought of makeup, of making myself look a certain way and being able to manipulate that.

All in all? Finding myself makes me feel like I can truly do this. That I can truly express my own personality without screaming at myself for it. You can, too.

From Elm 🙂

I’m Being Sociable?

Tonight, I’m going to a real, proper, genuine… Party.

I know. The thought of me at a party, surrounded by drunk people dancing, makes me laugh so hard that I can barely speak. To my shock, it’s actually happening. A girl who I don’t know that well, but who I spoke to right at the beginning of the year, invited me to her birthday party, which almost shocked me into the next decade. Because, well, I never get invited to those types of parties.

Really, I’m just assuming that it’ll be a party with alcohol, and loud music, and all that. The girl who’s party it is is lovely, but I don’t know her “character” – so she could be throwing a quiet kind of gathering, or a party like Ivy’s last year. AKA alcohol +dancing +interesting situations; the only other party I’ve been to like that is Ivy’s. Do you see my slight dilemma?

I’m going to Pine’s beforehand for a few minutes, so that her parents can drop us off. Swan will be coming too, but apart from that, I don’t know many people there. It’s the case of “Knowing” them but not knowing them; I know their names but not who they really are. I’m pretty much going to be glued to Pine and Swan all evening, which is irritating because I hate being dependent on people. I couldn’t just go off on my own because I’m blind, could get lost, and I’d be too nervous if I was surrounded by potentially unreliable people who I don’t know.

I’ve decided, as usual, to stress myself out for various reasons. If you know the slightest thing about me, it’s that I’m prone to stressing and if there’s nothing to stress about, then I create a reason. You know the song perfectly? Oh, but what if you screw up when singing? You know how to cook this very basic thing? But what if the oven breaks, or you drop something?!

Being insecure about my body is a special enemy of mine. That means that I have no idea what the hell I’m wearing, because I don’t know what type of atmosphere it’ll be, and what other people would be wearing. Sticking out is terrifying to me in this situation, and I feel too awkward to ask various other people “Hi i’m a fashion disaster – what’re you wearing to the party?” I know that other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter, but this is the first time I’ve been invited to a party with a bunch of people I don’t know, by a girl who isn’t my close friend. She was the first new girl we spoke to before the actual school year started and I think that stuck with her – not to mention throughout the last two months, I’ve had nice conversations with her. It still surprised me, though.

I’m going to enlist my sister in helping me, because she’s back from university. In fact, she offered; she saw that I was getting stressed when I went up to her room and talked to her, and said to me: “Look Elm, it’s okay. I’ll help you, and you won’t fuck this up – you couldn’t.” My sister has gone to so many parties, and is the opposite to me in that she can get out there, wear whatever, and outwardly appear confident. She’ll help with makeup too, because I’m literally unable to apply anything because I’m worried I’ll do it wrong and can’t see myself to check.

I’m also worried that I’ll act stupidly. If there’s alcohol, I don’t really want to get drunk because I hate not being in control, but I may have some. I don’t know. I’m trying not to overthink this or plan it too much in my head, because it’s just a party. It’s still a novelty to even be invited to one by someone like her: someone so nice, who doesn’t know much about me but who’s trying.

Oh, you know what? I’m just going to ‘wing it’, as they say. Recently my mental health has been abismal and I’m not expecting this to fix anything, but it can disarract me. Distraction iso’t the best thing to do but I’ve been constantly feeling bad for the last month with very little break, so I almost think I deserve to forget about shit. Obviously, I’ll still get sad, but having fun will lessen the hurt a little.

What I’m most looking forward to is meeting new people. When I want to be, I can be sociable, and the thought of new people really getting to know me makes me happy. I’ll try not to worry about how I speak, how I look, or if people will think I’m stupid. I’m worried that I just won’t be able to talk to anyone because they’ll all know each other, but I’ll be okay.

I’m just going to enjoy myself, whatever happens. There’s no point to existing if you can’t live a little. I’m still sad but for one night I will be happy and maybe that one night will turn into every night, one day.

From Elm 🙂

Halloween make up look

Hello everyone,

Just before i start this the writer from the blog milalor writing this post! Don’t worry i haven’t hacked this account or any thing like that. I actually asked Elm if it would be okay for me to do a guest post! So here it is. Don’t forget to like and follow elms blog!!

So as on of my hobbies is all things to do with beauty i wanted to type a post related to this. However with halloween twist! So this post is a halloween make up look, perfect for any halloween party you could be attending.

For this look you are going to need:

  • Black eye shadow.
  • Fake blood (obviously!!!)
  • Black/brown eyeshadow
  • red eyeshadow
  • white face paint
  • a sponge applicator
  • A attachable zip, bye this i mean a zip that parts down the middle. You can find these down a halloween themed aisle in your supermarket i actually got my’n from poundland!
  • Some skin safe glue to apply this with.
  • Make up brushes
  • This one is optional but you could add some hair chalk for  a little extra wow!

Okay so that is what you need and this is what you need to do to create the look:

  1. Before you start you want to make where the zip is going to go on your face.  Personally i would recommend that you put it on the top of your nose and have it closed at the top and have it open as you have it comping towards your mouth. If your zip is to long then you can cut the ends of. But DON’T stick the zip down yet as you need to add everything else. Just mark where it will go.
  2. Now your can start by making it look all disgusting! What you will need to do is basically in the space you have cover it in black/red eye shadow and fake blood. Don’t worry though i will take you through this step by step…
  3. Take a eye shadow brush and inside your markings cover it in black eye shadow if you like you could blend in a bit of eye liner in there as well just to give it some more depth.
  4. Then on another brush take your fake blood and dab it all over the black eye shadow. You should start to see it all comping together at this point…
  5. If you want you can then blend the blood and eye shadow a bit more, and add some more black or red eyeshadow if you like.
  6. Now the inside is all done you can stick on your zip.
  7. On the rest of your face you can cover it in white face paint to give you a dead look! Also if you want you can take your black eye shadow and put it in your eye brows.
  8. Then to finish of the look take your red eye shadow and brush it along your cheeks just slightly to make you look like the scariest character out of the scariest horror film!!

Then if you want you can put in your hair chalk and all that sort of stuff.

I hope you all enjoyed this little blog. And to get a picture of the look i am trying to describe just search on google ‘halloween zip look’.  But here is a you tube video i followed when i created this look.

I hope you all enjoyed reading!!

bye for now,

Milalor (and elm)xxxx

I Appear to Have Transformed

If you’d have told me, a year ago, that I was going to willingly put on makeup before going out, I would have laughed in your face and asked if you were okay.

Now, as I’m about to take some foundation out of my bag, I’m wondering what changed. It’s only been in the last… Two weeks that I’ve fully wanted to put makeup on, but why? Does it make me feel more confident?

The answer is no. It doesn’t. Some people feel like makeup is a mask, others an art, and still others a way to express themselves. Me? I just think it’s a thing that I do, and I’m trying to pinpoint why I sort of like it now.

I used to hate it. I used to think it was pointless and that putting it on would make me somehow fake. Other girls would wear it, every day, and I’d consider it weird and think, “That’s not me!” I’ve decided that thinking that is kind of judgemental and that I should “embrace it” and be comfortable with wearing it, for lack of a better word.

Ever since one day, when my friend Ivy and I went to a town near me and I put it on, I’ve felt like I could wear makeup without being judged. I could wear it without judging myself, or calling myself stupid, or any other negative adjective.

After my Prom, I’ve been thinking that wearing makeup isn’t such a bad idea. I won’t wear it every day – only on days where I go outside with friends – and I don’t think it’s to fit in. I know that my friends don’t care, and no one else should either. It’s about me, and how I feel when I wear it. I don’t feel more confident, or anything like that; I just feel like it’s an extra, optional feature that I could put on if I wanted to.

I do want to, and I’m happy with that. Sometimes, changes in myself scare me, and I hate them. Unlike previously, I haven’t had an identity crisis; I’ve accepted this for how it is: just another part of me that’s slowly growing. To let it grow is totally fine, because people change.

Thinking that putting on makeup “isn’t me” is ridiculous. Wondering if my friends will think I’m fake is also pointless, because they won’t. It’s OKAY to wear makeup, Elm! It’s. more than okay, because you’re putting yourself out there a little. I’m going to seize this attitude which I have now and use it every day, if I can, because I need to feel positive.

Makeup doesn’t make me more of a girl. It doesn’t make me “stereotypical”, or a sheep for following the crowd. It doesn’t make me who I am, because I was already that – with or without it.

Do you guys wear makeup – no matter what gender you are?

You know what? I feel powerful.

From Elm 🙂

My Prom Night!

Hellooo! Here’s the update that I promised yesterday. It’s a long post – not because something HUGE happened, but just because I like to write a lot.

I’m going to run through what happened, start to end, and then explain my thoughts and feelings (if I haven’t already within the post). Just to say, I DIDN’T go to the afterparty after all, and I’ll explain why in a bit.

First of all, I got my hair and makeup done. It was at this adorable little place in the town next to mine, and the ladies who made me up were so lovely. I kept on making jokes about how inexperienced I was at even doing makeup, whenever they wanted to know what kind of eyeshadow I preferred. I also had my nails done (they used an awesome UV lamp to dry them which was about my favourite part), and also my eyebrows waxed which really didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Better than getting it threaded, because apparently that hurts to hell.

I’ll give you a little description of what I looked like, as I can’t show a picture (because anonymity). My hair was curled so that it fell in waves, with two plaits secured at the back of my head with pins. Some hair was brought forward, so that it hung over my shoulders, and the rest of my hair fell down my back. My nails were sort of a red colour and were sparkling/glittering, and they matched my dress. Getting it all done made me feel amazing, like I was properly beautiful and that I didn’t have to be ashamed of anything. I remember walking out of the place, into the slight drizzle and just feeling powerful, floaty and different.

After that, I went home, put my dress on and went to Red’s house. I was constantly paranoid that my hair would be ruined, as it was raining (love you too, England) and that we would be late (because of traffic). Red’s phone’s buggered so I couldn’t text him to tell him I’d be slightly late. We eventually arrived, and when I opened the door the reaction from Red’s mum made me grin like a moron because she was the first person, apart from my parents, that have seen me in the flesh with my dress on.

Because my mum is obsessed with the idea of me having a “date” (even though he and I went as friends), they took about a million photos. I had to perfect my smile, which I STILL can’t do because it either looks fake or like I’m in pain. Oh well! It was really nice to just be standing there having your photo taken – plus, Red gave me the most adorable corsage (which I then didn’t wear at prom itself because I’m a dick) but I loved it and it matched my dress and ahh!

Luckily, I hadn’t changed my mind at the last minute and gone to Holly’s thing, so Red and I were driven to Pine’s house. Thank god for that, because I had so much fun. I don’t often involve myself in that group, but I’m going to next year because they are so so lovely. Daisy was there – a girl I used to hate – but also Cedar… Yeah, the Cedar I used to have a huge crush on, who now very much fancies Pine. Whoops.

In the process of staying at Pine’s, I managed to smash a really nice champagne glass (thanks Red), nearly fall over in my heels, almost forget my bag and then have a tiny crush on Cedar once more. He kept on moving closer to me on the sofa, but I know that was because he wanted to move closer to the others. Ehh well; I still had such fun because I laughed insanely when we had to take pictures, and just at the banter we had.

We went to Prom in a camper van, which was fucking awesome. It didn’t have any seat belts, so me, Daisy and another girl were on a long seat, gripping onto each other, and Pine and our other friend were on the floor (the boys went in a separate car). There was a lot of screaming and laughter, but my favourite part of the journey was when Daisy and I spoke. She and I have had our ups and downs but to be honest, I think she’s really awesome. She’s been there for people so much, and when we were talking, she said that I was really kind and that I always tried to be there for everyone. That made me unbelievably emotional, because I just want to leave year 11 on a high point with as many people as possible.

The Prom itself was at a hotel. It was drizzling again, and somewhat cold; after a horrendously long queue to get in, we got out of the van (and I nearly tripped over Daisy’s dress), stood around in the rain and then finally got into the building itself. Walking past teachers, whilst they compliment you on your outfit and you’re surrounding by the chatter and laughter of people in your year was the best feeling; it made me feel invincible. Though I still had trouble walking in my heels, at least I didn’t fall over.

After that, the events become more hazy. The room in which the Prom was being held was small compared to the size of our year, with a carpetted floor and food outside (it was so stressful trying to get said food, and we ended up jumping the queue to be next to Red). There was loud music – which, coupled with the din of people yelling and exclaiming over dresses and clothes – made it so bloody difficult to hear myself, or anyone around me.

Highlights of the evening include:
Wren running up to me and attacking me with a huge hug whilst we both screamed about our dresses
Going to a photobooth with Pine and her group
Going to the same photobooth and getting pictures with Wren (I don’t know what I’d do without her; she makes my day every day).
Getting photos with Wren and Red, where we had stupid props on and looked so moronic that it was hilarious
Dancing with Odd where they span me round and we both went crazy
Standing outside when I needed fresh air, and feeling the wind on my face whilst people laughed around me

It came to my attention, quite horribly and unexpectedly throughout the night, that I really – and I mean REALLY – wanted to get with someone. Because I’m insane and I like getting the piss taken out of me by my real life friends, it’s the guy I talked about in this post so if you haven’t read that, you should (she says, self-promoting like a pro). It came as a horrifying realisation: I’ve always had a slight “fascination” with Sycamore, as he’s always been so kind but also, he’s in a different group to me. I don’t know how to explain it. There was me, pissed off and frustrated because I KNEW nothing would happen: I didn’t see him all night, and I knew he wasn’t going to the afterparty. In addition to that, Prom’s not really the place where you “hook up” with someone as I expected it to be just hanging out with friends, rather than kissing people. I just wanted to kiss him, to know what it was like, and to prove myself I COULD. Is that fucked up?

The most emotional part of the evening was when I said goodbye to Cedar. He was also someone who I half wanted to have something with, and though I didn’t do anything with him, he found me at the end of the night. For a few minutes, we had a lovely conversation that ended with this:
C: Okay Elm… I have to go now.
E: Ehhh okay, see ya!
C: So, have a nice life.
E: Eyy c’mon, give me a hug.
So we hug for about 30 seconds, with me just breathing and trying my best not to cry because as much as I don’t have feelings for him, I care about him so much. He trusted me with how shit he felt about the Pine situation and as we hugged, I was pretty sure he was remembering that. AHHH I still feel emotional.

I spoke to Willow loads as well throughout the night. We were standing outside the main room, hugging like crazy and just holding each other and talking. I will never, ever forget about her because she’s so fab; we just wandered around at one point and I told her about the Sycamore situation (that has a nice ring to it) so that she’d understand how frustrated I was. ALSO, I’ve been screaming for the past 12 hours because the person she’s fancied for ages and her kissed and I won’t say who that is because privacy, but it’s so so lovely and I’m so happy for her because she deserves it! She and I spoke on the phone about it, amidst me squealing about how adorable it was.

When Prom was ending, I felt even more emotional. There was elation, because I’d spent time with friends and had the best time, but also a slight disappointment because of all the things I didn’t do. I won’t dwell on that, though; I still have time to do whatever I want. We went back to Pine’s house, dropping Red off on the way, and I was so incredibly tired that I could barely move. My feet were aching like hell because of the heels, and I nearly fell on Red at one point because I could barely stand upright.

Pine and I didn’t go to the afterparty, as I was so tired. In a way, it was lucky we were both not there, as it got shut down by the police at 2 which kind of makes me laugh, though it shouldn’t. Because of that, I stayed over at hers and we talked for about an hour before going to sleep. It was about everything: Willow (because I shrieked when I found out about her romantic moment), people, how we’ve changed, life and pretty much everything else. As I did with Willow and Wren, I told her about Sycamore and she was totally fine with it, and even said she’d organise something in the summer where we could all hang out. I’m so glad I have Pine still here, because she’s great.

All in all, I had a brilliant night. Spending time with friends, especially Odd, Red and Wren, made my entire week. I won’t be forgetting about this in a hurry, and I’ll always remember the crowds, the loud music and how I just felt included.

So many people complimented me on my dress, which made me feel great because I’d put effort in. Maybe I wasn’t the most stunning, but I was pretty enough for me, and pretty enough for me to feel like I really was. According to loads of other people, everyone’s dresses were gorgeous (Willow’s, Wren’s, EVERYONE’s) and it was so nice to see that people were happy when others told them, “You look so beautiful!”

I may not have kissed anyone last night, but that comes second to having a wonderful time. I had one, but happiness doesn’t mean having both; it means having enough of one to feel like you can do anything.

From Elm 🙂

Today’s The Day!

Not going to lie, I’m very mildly terrified, because today is Prom. As in TODAY. WHAT. THE HELL.

It feels like I’ve been preparing for this for so long, and I’m worried it won’t live up to expectations. To be honest, I think I’ll just wing it – because I’m nervous, I think I’ll run through the plan.

I’m going to get my makeup, hair and eyebrows done at 2. HELP!!! I don’t know what I’m doing. On Monday, I got my dress properly adjusted so that it ACTUALLY fits, which made me feel great. Trust me: I never get fully made up, so this will be a weird first for me.

Red and I agreed to go with each other, as friends, over a year ago. That’s still going on, so I’m going to his house at about 5:30. After that, and after his mum and mine take about a billion pictures, we’re going to Pine’s house (my oldest friend from secondary school) for a sort of pre-prom.

Here’s where it gets complicated. Originally, I was going to go to my friend Holly’s. My entire friendship group’s going there, but I decided to go to Pine’s because Red and I both just wanted to. Pine’s always been there, and I am SO grateful to her for everything she’s done. I feel unbelievably guilty for just abandoning my group, and I love them so much; I don’t want them to think that I hate them because that’s as far from the truth as you can get.

I’m getting even more nervous now, but a friend of mine – S – said I’d be totally fine so I’ll TRY and believe them. Breathe, Elm, breathe!

After the Prom, I’ve roped myself into going to an afterparty. WHATTTTTT!!! I was going to go to Holly’s, but I decided not to because when will I ever get the chance to go to a proper party again? It’s undoubtable that there will be drugs and insane amounts of drinking, but I’m okay with that.

There’s just one minor, tiny, TOTALLY INSIGNIFICANT issue. It’s hosted by Ash and one of his friends. The Ash. The fuck am I doing? He said it was totally fine that I could come, but still, I’m SO incredibly scared because:
1. It’s Ash.
2. I hate drugs.
3. I’m scared Pine will abandon me (I doubt she will).
4. It’s my first REAL party after Ivy’s birthday one.

When it comes to things like this, I’m a total disaster. Today, though, I’m just going to LIVE my life and to hell with the consequences. It’s rare that I let myself go, let all my inhibitions fly away, because I’m scared of losing control.

If I “get with” someone, that’s okay. Now’s a good enough time to do it, because it’s Prom and I’ll actually feel confident. Who knows what’ll happen? All I know is that tomorrow, there will be a long post, detailing exactly what went on the night before.

Elm, at a party? HAHAHAA! Elm, kissing random people and not feeling miserable afterwards? Woah, holy shit! I’m telling myself it’s not wrong to do that, because I won’t be playing with people’s emotions and it’s fine. I can do this.

Although I’m nervous that my dress will look terrible, my makeup will go wrong or my hair will look like a train wreck, I’m just going to enjoy myself. Maybe it won’t live up to how I wanted, but I’m going to get as much out of this day as I possibly can. Why not? I’ll be with my friends, and with people I can get to know; I’ll be free to actually show my year what kind of a person I am.

I want them to see me, and I want myself to truly appreciate who I am. This is long overdue, and now’s the time to do what Birch always said: live.

From Elm 🙂

I Have a Slight… Problem?

This is about the only time I’ll say it plainly, but I NEED your advice on something. Hmm, it’ll take explaining. Kinda.

If this thing actually works, then the featured image (or just the image I think) is my prom dress. I have literally NEVER put an image in my blog, so if something goes wrong, please tell me because I will have NO idea. For anyone who doesn’t know, I’m blind so the whole seeing thing’s a bit bad.

My prom’s on 29 June. For me, it’s really important – it’s the one thing where I’ll TRULY care about my appearance, one time I’ll put a supreme amount of effort into making myself look good, and feel happy. If you know me, you know that I usually don’t mind so much how I look, but Prom will be the one exception.

Except BECAUSE I’m me, I’m in a bit of a quandary (I LOVE that word). So, I’ve got a few situations that I’m shrieking over.

My shoes. Okay, I’m 5 ft 1 and I WILL NOT BE THAT SHORT AT PROM ARE YOU KIDDING ME? So, do I go with heels or flats, and WHERE the hell do I get that from? (I live in England). It’s just so frustrating because I’m scared I’ll run out of time or get ones that don’t match my dress (even though I’ll go shopping with a friend or family member). AND ALSO, I’m shoe size 3 HAHAHAHAAAAAAA. Yeah.

The dress: I NEED it adjusted (it’s too long because it has to be floor-length). That comes with the shoes, and by the time I’ve got the shoes, will it be too late? AARGHH!!! Hopefully it’s come out right on the photo but as you can see, I’d need to get it adjusted and I’m terrified that they wouldn’t do a good job on it.

The main thing is hair and makeup. I have no idea if I should get it professionally done, because to be quite honest, I don’t trust any of my family to do it right. I can’t do it myself because I’d make myself look like a walrus on steroids, so there you go.

Hair, too: if I DO get it professionally done, I’m not sure what accessories would go with my hair. I’m not sure WHY I’m stressing about it so much; I just WANT to look good for once in my life. You know when something’s so important to you?

I won’t be able to tell if I look okay, so I have to rely on people to tell me. That’s why I don’t really trust family to do my hair and makeup, because I know they’d sugarcoat how I look. I’m not even sure WHAT I’d look good in to be honest and I hate feeling insecure.

I want to feel beautiful. That’s so unlike me – but is it? We all want to feel attractive, right? That’s okay. I’m okay for wanting people to look at me and go, maybe just for one night, “That girl looks nice.”

What do you guys think? I’m running round in circles, thinking about this, plus exams, plus EVERYTHING else. I know I haven’t put a picture of my face. on here, but does anyone have any advice/is ALSO panicking about prom?

From Elm 🙂

Body Confidence Or Not?

No.

Okay, so it’s time I took a tumble. Or rather, it’s time my thoughts towards MYSELF took a nose dive. It hasn’t happened in a long time, and I’m irritated that this has cropped up now, but I need to deal with these feelings before they go out of hand.

For Halloween, I’m dressing up as… A Witch, or something to that effect. And because my sister is a stupid mental fucking bitch (I’m sorry it’s not her fault I’ll explain later), I don’t have a Halloween costume. So, I’m dressing in all black with a hat. Great, right? Nothing could go wrong.

Except I put on the clothes, and wanted my dad to take a picture so I could send it to someone I trust to ask if it was acceptable because I neither trust him nor myself. THAT’s when things went seriously wrong.

BECAUSE I CAN’T STAND STRAIGHT. I look like a twat. Nothing I do is right, nowhere I stand is right. I keep leaning forward or I just can’t look right and when I try to correct it, it looks worse. No pose I’m in makes me look comfortable, I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I will get laughed at, my posture’s terrible, my hair is disgusting, my clothes look awful…

Those were all thoughts running through my head about 5 minutes ago. We DIDN’T keep any of the pictures, because I was so angry I was nearly shouting and I had enough. It makes me want to scream now. I was truly horrified at myself and my inability to stand normally and feel normal and LOOK normal, because god knows I trust no one to tell me I’m pretty because I can’t tell if they’re right.

And, ugh, here we come with the “I’M BLIND” argument. CRAP, this is so attention-seeking, but it’s the truth. I can’t see my damn face. I can’t see how horrific I look. I feel like crying right now because I’m so so hopeless. I don’t want pity, and I wish these feelings hadn’t happened.

I hate these insecurities so much because I can’t do anything about them. It feels like they’re choking me, and I don’t want to return to that pathetic idiot who tries to impress people. That’s not how I am. These will pass, I know, but for now I can’t do a thing. I want to go back to not caring about my appearance but I CAN’T, because I’ll get offhand comments and laughter today and I can’t deal with it. I want to look normal without having to rely on other people to help me not look like a stupid loser.

My dad doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get why my voice is so listless and why I’m so unresponsive, and he doesn’t understand that my wrists feel weak and I want to rip the skin off my face and that I HATE returning to this state. It’s awful. I thought I was over this stupid “I feel disgusting!” bullshit!

I’m so done. Tonight, I’m going to have fun and I’m going to enjoy myself, but there will always be the lingering “EVERY SINGLE PERSON PROBABLY LOOKS AMAZING AND I DON’T!” spiel pouring through my mind. I can’t stop it. I just feel horrendous and like I’m worth nothing. I’m a disaster, basically.

Sorry, everyone. I need to get out. I don’t feel SO awful now; my wrists still feel weak and I feel there’s a cloud hanging over me, but I’m managing.

Thanks for reading! To new readers, I’m sorry – this isn’t me usually. I USED to be like this a lot more, but I’m being honest on my blog, so I need to explain this side of me, too.

From Elm 🙂