Bring on the Summer!

Heyy!

On Thursday, a day before the rest of the school, those that hadn’t managed to find outside work experience broke up for the summer holidays. Naturally, because I’m lazy and also couldn’t find any useful outside work experience, that included me. Today would have been a half day and the teachers thought that there was no point in us coming in. How was I to complain – it was a free day.

The end of the year was bittersweet. This week was great: I’m now the editor of the newly-formed History school magazine; that’s useful for my personal statement. I may be helping to set up another school-wide magazine too so I’m basically a 100% professional journalist. Not to mention it’s fun, along with sitting on my own in the Sixth Form area. It was surprisingly peaceful: I got things done and most of all, I was happy. I’ve figured out that school only doesn’t make me feel awful when I know I’m doing something useful and I’m surrounded by people who don’t panic me. However, two of my friends – Oak and another friend – are leaving this year. Saying goodbye to them made me feel so sad because they’ve both been here since year 7 and now, I’ll be the only VI one in my year. Oak’s also become one of my close friends and so I’ll miss her so much.

Now that I’m technically “free” for 6 weeks, I want to get my life back in gear. This year has been so emotionally exhausting, in the worst and best ways possible, and so I want my summer to be a change from that. No – I need it to be a change because otherwise I may sob.

To that end, in a similar way to Jasmine, I’ll be listing what I want to achieve this summer. She inspired me to make this so thank you for that! Maybe I won’t get all of this done but I want to approach the next month and a half with a positive mindset.

Do some work

Even if summer is for relaxation, I also need to do some schoolwork in some capacity. If I don’t, I’ll put myself at a severe disadvantage next year because we’re starting A2 content for A-Levels and I need to get on top of things. That’ll include rewriting and looking over AS-Level work notes, working on English and History coursework which involves researching, reading books for school and getting myself prepared. I didn’t apply myself last year; part of my mind-set change is to fix that. Further reading is also important but I won’t be putting so much emphasis on that because more will be put on reading for pleasure.

Look at university-related things

I may want to ignore it but university application is a looming prospect; I need to start working on it. As I discussed in this post, I need to draft my personal statement and also decide which universities I want to apply to by looking more at courses and modules. Yaaay, more brainstorming and internal (or in some cases external) screaming! If I end up actually breaking a window from my shrieks of frustration, I’ll have to apologise to my parents.

Enjoy myself at a party

I know, right? Me going to a party is so funny; I’ve only been to those types of parties twice before. However, to my shock, it’s happening again: Ivy invited me to her friend’s party. I don’t know many people there, not going to the school they all go to, but I think I’ll prefer that. I’ll always be nervous but it’s time I let go and just enjoyed myself, whatever that max mean. Either when people know me incredibly well or they don’t know me at all, I feel like I can be myself because in those situations, there’s no judgement. To that effect, tomorrow, I’m looking forward to releasing some of the emotions I’ve been feeling this year in the form of meeting new people and having a good time.

Visit my friends and connect with old ones

I’m the most happy when I’m surrounded by people who love me and who I love in return. Because of that and because I want to have as many good days as I can, I want to meet up with my friends. Not only that but I’d love to connect with some old friends, such as those I haven’t seen in a while from the VI (visually impaired) community. Rapunzel, who you can read about here is coming to stay in the first 5 days of August; I’m hopefully seeing Willow on Tuesday and I’m going shopping with Rose, Poppy and my sister at some point. It’s not being used to combat loneliness any more; it’s now a way to meet the people who make me smile the most. If I can one day meet my old primary school friend, that would be beautiful but I won’t hold out too much hope for that happening. I also miss some of my friends who left from last year but if I’m proactive, I can talk to them too.

Go volunteering and walking

These are some of the things that make me feel the most active and alive. I’m going volunteering tomorrow and I want to at least go walking once or twice a week: long walks around the park or by the river, with my dad or friends. When I’m doing those two things, I don’t feel self-consciousness: it’s equal parts peaceful and lively and with volunteering, I get to spend time with my two oldest friends and there’s the opportunity to be in the community where I can meet new people. It’s also made me more confident and outgoing.

Come to terms with my feelings

Recently, I’ve been feeling some pretty odd and, if I were in a bad mental state, scary things. Luckily, although I’m not happy constantly, I’m more okay than not and so I’m better able to deal with them. Over this summer I really want to understand why my brain works how it does. Going to see the GP will help with that; I don’t want to cry over them. I’ve done enough of that before. It’s okay to feel what you feel as long as you neither damage yourself nor others. I must remember that before I rob myself of any happiness.

Meet up with bloggers

As with last summer, I want to make arrangements to meet some more internet friends. If all goes to plan, I may be meeting Astrid which would be a dream come true because I’ve known her for so long. If you know me quite well and you want to meet up at any point, don’t be afraid to contact me: I’d love to meet some of you! One day, I’ll go to a blogging convention (I probably won’t mention who I am though) but that can wait until I’m more confident.

Properly organise my room

Is it weird that this calms me down? I have an old coin collection to clean and sort, CD’s to go through and give to charity, braille books to… What do I do with them? I feel bad if I recycle them. Anyhow, that’s just one house: at my mum’s, I need to sort out a proper shelving system for the year I’m still here because I’m getting so frustrated with the fact that I can never find my clothes because they’re misplaced. As well as that, I need to do something with my old Maths books. As you can read, I have so much to do but it’ll make me feel satisfied to do it. That’ll be one less thing to stress about and I have the whole summer to make my rooms my own again.

I’m excited for this. It’s rare now that I’m happy; I’ve been snatching up the beautiful feelings I’ve had the last couple of days and holding them close. Continuing that, through this list, will truly help me. I hope.

What will you be doing over the summer? How have you all been feeling recently! Let me know in the comments!

From Elm πŸ™‚

That Party Last Night

Heyy!
If you haven’t read the post that I wrote yesterday, or you haven’t read the wonderfully inventive title, I went to a party last night. As in, an actual party with alcohol and people getting pissed, singing and dancing. I know – it was a shock to me too.

As I said before, I got incredibly stressed yesterday about my general appearance, which meant that I couldn’t do much work. After standing in my room for a while thinking, my sister yelled from downstairs that she was going to help me get clothes, and do makeup; I don’t know what I would have done without her.

I wore a black skirt, and because I’m very small, it had to be rolled up so I didn’t look like I came from Victorian times. I wore tights beneath it – I think they were black – together with a top of a dark colour; I was never actually told what it was. On top of that was a black cardigan which was open to reveal the top in question. For makeup, I put on some foundation powder, which I’d bought together with a brush on Sunday. I had help with the eyeliner and mascara, because there’s no way I can do that yet on my own because blind. It’s funny because I’m pretending to be knowledgable about this shit when I don’t have a clue.

My sister went off to Winter Wonderland somewhere with her friend, leaving me alone for about an hour before my mum arrived from watching some sport (not that she even likes it; I have no idea why she went). That gave me plenty of time to stress further, and I constantly brushed my hair – it calms me down, what can I say! Other things that I did included brushing my teeth, reading blogs and putting on this really nice perfume I have. It was all a way to get mwh to feel more confident, and I think that it worked.

We drove down, first going to pick my friend Swan up. I felt rather sorry for my mum because she had to drive all that way just to drop me off, and then had to pick me up at midnight. It was freezing, and I felt the wind sweeping past my face as I got out of the car. Once Swan was with us, we drove the 5 minutes to get to Pine’s house.

I’ve known Pine for 5 years, and been to her house quite a few times. There was no feeling of self-consciousness as we said hello and with Swan and her beside me, I felt like I could really do this. I neither felt foreign in my own body, nor felt disgusting. At first, when we were in the girl’s house who was holding the party, it was a little awkward. We stood around, Swan taking over the sound system and putting bee movie memes on, the room slowly filling up with people. When it was just us and a few others, I felt out of place, more or less clinging to Pine and screeching with laughter at Swan’s ‘amazing’ dancing.

Strangely, as more people got there, I started to feel more comfortable. Of course, I felt overwhelmed at first because I knew barely anyone, but Pine helped with that. We were worried that we were going to be horrendously bored, and so we were chatting to each other, muttering that we could survive until half ten. We howled over what messes our love lives had become, having a slight bit of alcohol (which was awful) and attempting to ‘dance’. Swan high-fived a few people in her signature style – AKA smashing her hand into theirs – and laughed like a seagull, and I hugged both her and Pine a lot because I felt unbelievably affectionate.

The party was mostly comprised of girls, and the five boys that were there were all from wildly different social circles. I liked that there was a complete mix of us: at the beginning, groups were totally separated by the school we went to but by the end, everyone had pretty much mingled. The room I was in for the first half of the party was the one with the music, and had a lot of the people from my school in it. They played Fall Out Boy, numerous K-Pop songs, and even a song from Horrible Histories which made me nearly choke with laughter.

What was hilarious was that Pine tried to set me up with someone. I knew that in my heart, I wouldn’t kiss anybody because I’m still much too miserable, but it was funny to go along with it. There was a 5 foot 5 ginger guy there – and I say this because that was the only thing I knew about him before I started talking to him – and Pine set her sights on him for me, shoving me towards him and screaming, very subtly, “ELLMMMM let’s go THIS way! Come on, let’s get a drink – oi STOP running away!” Once I’d casually reminded her I was bisexual – “Y’know, I could technically go for either gender but there are so many girls here that it’s stressful” – she noticed my complimentary comments towards one of the girls there, who was a known lesbian. To be fair, that girl is absolutely lovely (she can do the splits to a terrifying degree; it’s amazing) and her, Swan and I had gone into the corridor and shouted about being not straight before waltzing back into the music room.

Transferring into the living room for the first time was when I properly started to be more social. Along with Pine, I walked in, and had potentially the most awkward encounter of the last month. A rather popular boy who goes to my school was extremely pissed (drunk for any Americans) and approached me.
“Hey you’re Elm, right?”
“Yahh, hey!”
“Well, I’ve never spoken to you in my life before have I?”
“Nope, I don’t think so.”
“It’s very nice to meet you! We’ve never spoken before…”
“It was lovely to meet you too!”
“Anyway, nice conversation – I’ve got to go – bye!”
“Errr… Bye?”

After that, I pretty much went purple with embarrassment, whilst Pine sobbed with laughter on the sofa beside me. We stayed in there for a little, and that was when I first spoke to Alex – I’m using his real name because it’s one of the most common names, and could be anyone.

Alex was the “5 foot 5 ginger guy” who Pine had, before, tried to set me up with. After my embarrassing conversation with the other boy, we walked across the room to the sofas, dodging the various people standing around. I didn’t even realise that it was Alex who I was speaking to at first, but as Pine sat next to me and laughed intermittently at me, I started speaking to him. He was on a sofa perpendicular to me, and so I was turned towards him as our conversation progressed, which most likely made me look like an utter creep.

I’d safely say that it was him, Pine and Swan who made my evening for various reasons: Swan was her usual, funny self and I’m so glad she was there; Pine understood me with a single tap on the shoulder and Alex was someone knew, someone who was ‘different’ to the classic partygoer. For one, he didn’t drink at all, and so we were two sober people in a room with either mildly tipsy, or flat-out drunk, people. Because of that, we laughed together, exchanging little comments before we really got talking, and I didn’t feel like a moron when I spoke to him. I sat on the floor at some points, to which he sat “Well, you’re an utter rebel!” and I could have hugged him, because that’s pretty much my catchphrase. Pine kept on nudging me and when we were out of the living room, she murmured, “Get in there eyy!” I laughed so hard that I nearly cried.

For the penultimate time, I went back into the music room to see what cake there was, catching up with Swan as I did so. Another girl, who sits near me in Psychology and got drunk out of her head, was there at certain points throughout the evening. When I went back into the living room she was there, shouting “Elm, I’m sooooo drunk!” and sitting on the floor, waving her hands around.

Pine had disappeared into the other room at that point, and so I was left with people I really didn’t know well, apart from the drunk girl I suppose. Surprisingly, I neither felt panicked nor ill, mainly because I was sitting on a sofa and Alex was there. We spoke even more, just about life: school, how hectic it was, and we stuck together because we didn’t know many people. He’s the type of person who’s friends with everyone, and so it was a shock when he voluntarily came back to sit next to me after being dragged up by a guy who was attempting to hit on him. Hopefully, he enjoyed my company, and wasn’t just being polite.

Highlights of that timeincluded Alex being hit on by my ex-boyfriend of three years ago who broke up with me because he was gay, and even though Alex told him repeatedly that he was straight, he sat on his lap/touched his hair/kept on coming back to say goodbye. I was cackling by that point, trying not to get mascara in my eye, and listening to the antics of the drunk girl. She was alternately on the other side of the room and near me, and once when I sat on the floor she dropped her beer and it went all over my skirt. She apologised about a hundred times, getting incredibly emotional, and then following it up with “Oh I’m so so drunk, Elm!” Pine got very drunk, coming into the living room and giggling constantly whilst staggering. She has a fencing competition today, so I wish her luck.

It wasn’t that I wanted to kiss Alex. If it had happened,I think I would have felt so sick with myself afterwards because I haven’t moved on at all. It was more an idle curiosity, brought on by proximity – we sat on the floor together one time. I kept on getting closer to him, which made me appear as if I was trying to make a move, but it was more that I craved some sort of closeness, friendship or otherwise. I’m not going to beat myself up for it.

I came out publically as bi – not that I’d hidden it, but it’s more on an if you ask you’ll know basis. The drunk girl shouted, “I’m BISEXUAL!”, I responded, “ME TOO,” and we both started screaming. She grabbed my hands and sounded so happy; I don’t know many bi girls in my year and so she and I were speaking about both guys and girls, gender and how being anything is okay AND IT WAS AMAZING. I don’t know if she’ll remember that she told me about a girl who she had a crush on, but I won’t bring it up with her or anyone else in case she didn’t mean to tell me. Alex knew before because we’d had a conversation about sexuality and love: I said I hated some people’s perceptions of sexuality, and he responded with this:
“Really, it’s just not an issue. I’ve never had a problem with people being gay, or anything else, or people being any gender. It doesn’t affect me – it doesn’t make you any different and it could never bother me.” So’ he’s basically my favourite person at the moment. When we had to leave – after Swan had come in to hang out with us, which was great – I gave him a hug. For once, I didn’t have to stand on tiptoes to give someone a proper hug, and I smiled when I said “You’re 5 5, right?” I hugged the drunk girl, plus everyone else, feeling my heart warm up.

All in all, I had a great time. I didn’t speak to many people when you think about it, but the casual conversations I had with so many of them were amazing. I was mostly focused on what was going on with me, and so I only found out about the girl throwing ice everywhere afterwards, and I felt bad when I found that a very popular guy had just got up and left because it wasn’t his kind of party. I would have spoken to him because he’d called my name early on in the evening for an indeterminate reason, but I was much too scared.

We got home at about 1, and I was – still am – exhausted. I got Alex’s number and we’ve been texting – not deep stuff, but still, it’s a new thing for me to just get some random person’s number. I haven’t contributed to the group chat apart from saying thank you to the girl who’s birthday it is, because I still feel a little like the people in the chat wouldn’t talk to me.

Last night, some people saw me for who I really was, outside of school. I shouted, laughed, was awkward at times, but it was all me. Hopefully, people will remember that and hopefully, I can carry on having good nights like that.

Have you got any interesting stories from parties? I hope you enjoyed reading my story-like ramblings!

From Elm πŸ™‚

I’m Being Sociable?

Tonight, I’m going to a real, proper, genuine… Party.

I know. The thought of me at a party, surrounded by drunk people dancing, makes me laugh so hard that I can barely speak. To my shock, it’s actually happening. A girl who I don’t know that well, but who I spoke to right at the beginning of the year, invited me to her birthday party, which almost shocked me into the next decade. Because, well, I never get invited to those types of parties.

Really, I’m just assuming that it’ll be a party with alcohol, and loud music, and all that. The girl who’s party it is is lovely, but I don’t know her “character” – so she could be throwing a quiet kind of gathering, or a party like Ivy’s last year. AKA alcohol +dancing +interesting situations; the only other party I’ve been to like that is Ivy’s. Do you see my slight dilemma?

I’m going to Pine’s beforehand for a few minutes, so that her parents can drop us off. Swan will be coming too, but apart from that, I don’t know many people there. It’s the case of “Knowing” them but not knowing them; I know their names but not who they really are. I’m pretty much going to be glued to Pine and Swan all evening, which is irritating because I hate being dependent on people. I couldn’t just go off on my own because I’m blind, could get lost, and I’d be too nervous if I was surrounded by potentially unreliable people who I don’t know.

I’ve decided, as usual, to stress myself out for various reasons. If you know the slightest thing about me, it’s that I’m prone to stressing and if there’s nothing to stress about, then I create a reason. You know the song perfectly? Oh, but what if you screw up when singing? You know how to cook this very basic thing? But what if the oven breaks, or you drop something?!

Being insecure about my body is a special enemy of mine. That means that I have no idea what the hell I’m wearing, because I don’t know what type of atmosphere it’ll be, and what other people would be wearing. Sticking out is terrifying to me in this situation, and I feel too awkward to ask various other people “Hi i’m a fashion disaster – what’re you wearing to the party?” I know that other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter, but this is the first time I’ve been invited to a party with a bunch of people I don’t know, by a girl who isn’t my close friend. She was the first new girl we spoke to before the actual school year started and I think that stuck with her – not to mention throughout the last two months, I’ve had nice conversations with her. It still surprised me, though.

I’m going to enlist my sister in helping me, because she’s back from university. In fact, she offered; she saw that I was getting stressed when I went up to her room and talked to her, and said to me: “Look Elm, it’s okay. I’ll help you, and you won’t fuck this up – you couldn’t.” My sister has gone to so many parties, and is the opposite to me in that she can get out there, wear whatever, and outwardly appear confident. She’ll help with makeup too, because I’m literally unable to apply anything because I’m worried I’ll do it wrong and can’t see myself to check.

I’m also worried that I’ll act stupidly. If there’s alcohol, I don’t really want to get drunk because I hate not being in control, but I may have some. I don’t know. I’m trying not to overthink this or plan it too much in my head, because it’s just a party. It’s still a novelty to even be invited to one by someone like her: someone so nice, who doesn’t know much about me but who’s trying.

Oh, you know what? I’m just going to ‘wing it’, as they say. Recently my mental health has been abismal and I’m not expecting this to fix anything, but it can disarract me. Distraction iso’t the best thing to do but I’ve been constantly feeling bad for the last month with very little break, so I almost think I deserve to forget about shit. Obviously, I’ll still get sad, but having fun will lessen the hurt a little.

What I’m most looking forward to is meeting new people. When I want to be, I can be sociable, and the thought of new people really getting to know me makes me happy. I’ll try not to worry about how I speak, how I look, or if people will think I’m stupid. I’m worried that I just won’t be able to talk to anyone because they’ll all know each other, but I’ll be okay.

I’m just going to enjoy myself, whatever happens. There’s no point to existing if you can’t live a little. I’m still sad but for one night I will be happy and maybe that one night will turn into every night, one day.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Today’s The Day!

Not going to lie, I’m very mildly terrified, because today is Prom. As in TODAY. WHAT. THE HELL.

It feels like I’ve been preparing for this for so long, and I’m worried it won’t live up to expectations. To be honest, I think I’ll just wing it – because I’m nervous, I think I’ll run through the plan.

I’m going to get my makeup, hair and eyebrows done at 2. HELP!!! I don’t know what I’m doing. On Monday, I got my dress properly adjusted so that it ACTUALLY fits, which made me feel great. Trust me: I never get fully made up, so this will be a weird first for me.

Red and I agreed to go with each other, as friends, over a year ago. That’s still going on, so I’m going to his house at about 5:30. After that, and after his mum and mine take about a billion pictures, we’re going to Pine’s house (my oldest friend from secondary school) for a sort of pre-prom.

Here’s where it gets complicated. Originally, I was going to go to my friend Holly’s. My entire friendship group’s going there, but I decided to go to Pine’s because Red and I both just wanted to. Pine’s always been there, and I am SO grateful to her for everything she’s done. I feel unbelievably guilty for just abandoning my group, and I love them so much; I don’t want them to think that I hate them because that’s as far from the truth as you can get.

I’m getting even more nervous now, but a friend of mine – S – said I’d be totally fine so I’ll TRY and believe them. Breathe, Elm, breathe!

After the Prom, I’ve roped myself into going to an afterparty. WHATTTTTT!!! I was going to go to Holly’s, but I decided not to because when will I ever get the chance to go to a proper party again? It’s undoubtable that there will be drugs and insane amounts of drinking, but I’m okay with that.

There’s just one minor, tiny, TOTALLY INSIGNIFICANT issue. It’s hosted by Ash and one of his friends. The Ash. The fuck am I doing? He said it was totally fine that I could come, but still, I’m SO incredibly scared because:
1. It’s Ash.
2. I hate drugs.
3. I’m scared Pine will abandon me (I doubt she will).
4. It’s my first REAL party after Ivy’s birthday one.

When it comes to things like this, I’m a total disaster. Today, though, I’m just going to LIVE my life and to hell with the consequences. It’s rare that I let myself go, let all my inhibitions fly away, because I’m scared of losing control.

If I “get with” someone, that’s okay. Now’s a good enough time to do it, because it’s Prom and I’ll actually feel confident. Who knows what’ll happen? All I know is that tomorrow, there will be a long post, detailing exactly what went on the night before.

Elm, at a party? HAHAHAA! Elm, kissing random people and not feeling miserable afterwards? Woah, holy shit! I’m telling myself it’s not wrong to do that, because I won’t be playing with people’s emotions and it’s fine. I can do this.

Although I’m nervous that my dress will look terrible, my makeup will go wrong or my hair will look like a train wreck, I’m just going to enjoy myself. Maybe it won’t live up to how I wanted, but I’m going to get as much out of this day as I possibly can. Why not? I’ll be with my friends, and with people I can get to know; I’ll be free to actually show my year what kind of a person I am.

I want them to see me, and I want myself to truly appreciate who I am. This is long overdue, and now’s the time to do what Birch always said: live.

From Elm πŸ™‚

APPARENTLY I’m Responsible?!

So I might have landed myself something that might be considered a “job”. Yeah, I don’t know what the hell happened either.

Today, we had a street party. In our street, there are TONS of little kids – and though they’re cute, they run out and cause mayhem, and there’s no one my age apart from a boy in year 10 called Curtis who didn’t even come out of the house (or maybe he’d gone to see his friends or something).

I REALLY didn’t want to be bored. It was boiling for the first part of it, and I was terrified I’d just be standing outside with no one to talk to but my dad. Yesterday, I asked Rose (a really close family friend my age) if she wanted to come, and she said yes. Along with her father, she turned up an hour late because her dad was doing gardening: she’t texted me, but me being a rebel, I left my phone inside because I wanted to have the freedom of not being connected to technology.

Rose, her sister Poppy and I are close in the sense that sisters are close. We’re so comfortable around each other – we might not be able to talk about EVERYTHING, like there’s a lot we don’t know about one another, but I love them. Not that I’d say that to them because we hate getting sentimental with each other. I hung out with Rose all day outside, and we chatted to loads of people in my street – most of which I didn’t actually know.

One of the people was this lovely woman – I think she might have been American? She has a 7-year-old boy and asked me if I was interested in babysitting (I told her I’d never thought about it but that my sister had done it before for other people in the street). After that, I didn’t pay much mind to it because I’m ME AND I’d feel sorry for the kid I had to babysit. Plus the being blind thing made me nervous that I’d fuck up, when it shouldn’t have.

For the rest of the time, Rose and I sat round a table – it was alternately sunny, windy then overcast – just talking about books, life and everything. Though I was sad that Poppy couldn’t come, it was lovely to talk to Rose one-on-one. She and I are so comfortable with each other that it was normal to stand with our arms around each other and be really close physically. Also, we talked about so-called “awkward” topics like sex, which I’d never spoken to her about before and it was so so strange but amazing. She has the same book taste as me, and she’s about the only friend from real life that DOES and we were screaming about the books we loved. (Convinced her to read The 5th Wave which made my life)

We cringed so much at the kid’s games that were going on – you know, the ones you get in Sports Day in primary school – three-legged race and that. The worst part was that our dads took part in a few and I was just sat there crying with laughter while an 8-year-old girl screamed into the microphone about the next race (they also somehow broke the mic and my dad had to fix it). It was literally amazing and so so bloody tiring because Rose’s dog kept going mental because I think he’s in love with my dad or something.

I’m getting off-topic. The babysitting thing came up again right at the end, where I mentioned it to my dad. Rose’s dad and him then suggested, “Hey Elm! Why don’t you three do it?” Rose, Poppy and I go volunteering at a run usually, and so we work as a team. We leapt on the idea (even though I was like “WHAAAAATTTT but children!”) and went to find the lady to tell her.

So yeah. I somehow have a tentitive job – the first EVER in my life. Literally EVER. What the hell is this?!

I can’t believe she thought me responsible enough to look after children. There are so many kids that are young in our road that we could never run out of people to look after. It’s honestly flattering that though she didn’t know me very well, she offered a “job” to me (and my friends because she was delighted when we said we’d all be doing it). I’m glad I get to hang out with the two girls more, too.

It’s strange. I know it’s not much, but both Rose and I really want something to do over the summer. I love the two of them and so being with them in someone else’s house, whilst we have to look after my neighbour’s children, should be fun. I’m worried I’ll screw it up, but I just want to give it a go.

Aaaahhh I’m being responsible! ME! ELM! At least I’m doing something though; that counts for a lot because I’m helping people out in my street and I want to show them and myself that I can be trusted.

Everyone does babysitting but it’s a big leap for me because no independence and also jobs and that are a huge worry for me, always have been.

Today was a really good day. I loved hanging out with Rose and just smiling, surrounded by music, little kids shrieking and the smells of barbeques.

From Elm πŸ™‚

I’m SO Tired

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! πŸ™‚

Just a warning, I’m not going to be able to read ANY posts over the next 2 days because my friend Robin’s (literally just thought of that bird name) over, and I NEED to do revision as well. Sorry! 😦 I don’t want to miss out anything important in your lives, so if something DOES happen, you can always email me or point me to a particular post you wrote. I’m happy to read those.

I stayed up until 2 this morning, because I’m a rebel – it WAS my birthday yesterday after all. But no matter. I want to talk about something with you, something you may judge me for but it’s something that we’ll all most likely go through.

I had a bit of alcohol yesterday.

I can ALREADY imagine the expression of shock on your faces, but don’t worry, it wasn’t much. I only got ‘tipsy’, but it was enough that my balance went off-kilter and I felt dizzy. My mum got overprotective as hell, but that’s just how she is.

I cried a LOT, but it was because I was terrified. I HATED the feeling of losing control. There were other people over, people I didn’t like, and they laughed at me because THEY’D had plenty of alcohol before and I, well, hadn’t.

I went for a walk with Robin’s mum, who is lovely, but I don’t remember much of it. I didn’t feel like I was outside at all, and I was confused and I just cried and tried to talk coherently, which I DID because I really wasn’t drunk. Robin’s mum said, and rightly so, that 90 percent of what I was feeling was coming from the panic and not the alcohol, which makes sense, because I’ve never had that experience before. But luckily, I had NO hangover this morning.

When I was walking, the only real clear thing I remember is this woman with a dog. I got to pat the dog, and I remember the feel of the fur through a gate. I said some bullshit (or NOT bullshit) about animals. most likely calming me down. I feel sorry for that dog now, and I kind of want to apologise to that woman.

Everything was hazy, but I know it was because of the panic. It was good that I got that panic out, though it was so confusing.

What I’m trying to say here is alcohol is both good and bad. I’m really glad, though, that I had this experience with people I basically consider family, plus my ACTUAL family, rather than friends. I’m not saying you shouldn’t EVER drink alcohol, that it’s absolute shite, but just be careful. I know you will.

I told you this to show you that things like this aren’t taboo. I’m probably going to be addressing some things this month, or year, that’ll make some people feel uncomfortable, but don’t worry. You CAN talk about things without feeling embarrassed, I promise you that. People shouldn’t judge you for it.

I hope you have a wonderful year. You all deserve it so much.

CRAP, I’ve got to do revision now.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Nerves with a Side of Anticipation

I’m going to a party today.

SORRY WHAT, just let that sink in. Me. Party. Going. Alcohol (not that I’ll drink any, or barely any because rebel). Makeup. PEOPLE. WHAT AM I DOING?!

Saying that, it IS Ivy’s (and her friend’s) birthday party, which is pretty bloody awesome. I’m GOING TO A PARTY okay stop be mature Elm SHH…

So, yes. I’m pretty nervous because I barely know anyone and paranoid that I’ll be left to fend for myself in the big bad world of PARTYLAND. Not that Ivy would ever do that to me, but I can’t be glued to her side constantly. Blind person +many people +a house I don’t know =much confusion.

I have some sort of face mask thing on that my sister put on me, and she’s going to do my makeup. It’s time like these when I realise she actually gives a shit, because she listened to my nerves earlier and got REALLY excited about the party and helping me get ready. I’m scared that I’ll look horrendous, but I trust my sister to help me, even if it makes me feel like a kid. What if I touch my face by accident and the makeup comes off?

I’m terrified I’ll look awkward and just be standing there or I won’t know what to do with myself, but I’ll manage. I’m thinking of all the things that could go wrong, but you know what?

I’m just going to enjoy myself. For once. I’m going to have fun, with my friends and friends I’ll make, and not think about how I’m awkward and how my eyes look strange because I can’t focus them at all, and I’ll try and get to know the house before everyone starts arriving.

It kind of shocks me that I’m going to a party. Antisocial Elm – but there you go. Ivy, if you’re reading this, thank you. I don’t know WHAT to expect, but thank you so much. It seems weird but it means a lot to me.

What are all you guys doing this evening? I’ll let you all know how it goes, I promise; this is a bloody momentous occasion for me πŸ˜€

From Elm πŸ™‚

YAY MY PARTY

I’m SO tired and I’ve had SUCH a long and amazing day.

So first, I went volunteering at a run at the park with my friend Poppy, which we do every week and it’s great – FREEZING, but great. It’s just so nice to catch up with her.

THEN, I had my party. I went to the town where my school is, which is about 40 minutes away from me, and my amazing friends came with me to join my AMAZING FRIENDS that had already arrived. ARGH I’m so happy to talk about this!

My friend Ivy came, as well as Aspen (my boyfriend), his friend (need to think of a tree name), Holly, Wren, Odd, Red, Swan (Wren’s girlfriend who’s also amazing), and OBVIOUSLY I didn’t go, GOD, where would you get that impression from? And me being cool, we went to Pizza Express – AND STAYED FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS.

Oh my god, it was amazing. I opened presents, all of us moved and kept switching seats, I gave about a million hugs (SORRY RED) and cried with laughter and afterwards, we went “shopping” as the people slowly had to go until it was just me, Aspen, his friend (Who is also my friend fuck’s sake I need a naturey name), Red and Ivy sitting on some steps like rebels.

I feel so happy. We went hyper and Wren and the rest of them quietly fangirled to me about how great Aspen was – they hadn’t met him before and so I’m so glad they like him. Him and HIS FRIEND OH MY GOD THIS IS BOTHERING ME – came round to my house after we got home, and we had a lot of meaningful conversations mixed with laughter.

OH WAIT – my presents! Highlights included:

An AMAZING card from Odd and they gave me money yes
SO MUCH chocolate from Red (that WAS what I wanted)
A mini shopping trolley from Wren with an owl teddy bear inside it – LOVE IT
About a billion things from Swan to do with baths and shit like that and it’s awesome

The ones that I have on me right now are a ring from Ivy – alright, I love her for this. The ring has ELM LEAVES ON IT. ELM LEAVES. She knows about the blog and I spent about 5 minutes shrieking over it.

Aspen got me a beautiful necklace. I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s a flower and it sparkles… I want to attach a picture, but I can only use my phone. PSH. Too tired.

I don’t know how to adequately summarise this day, but trust me when I say that I NEEDED it. The freedom I felt was beautiful and I’m so so glad my friends came – if you’re reading this, thank you so much. You made me smile and laugh and feel amazing and THAT makes me happy. You’re the best friends I could ever ask for.

How was your day? I’m bloody exhausted.

Ahh, all my presents are amazing, for the simple fact that I received them. I wish every day could be like this.

From Elm πŸ™‚

Guest Post – Halloween

(I did a guest post not too long ago and it was so lovely, so here’s another one!)

This post is by the amazing and fantastic Hideaway Girl. She’s a really lovely person, and her blog is great!

* * *

Hi, everyone! I’m Hideaway Girl and I’m writing on Elm’s blog post today as we are starring on eachothers blogs today πŸ™‚ As Halloween is tomorrow, we are talking about Halloween if you want to see Elm’s blog post, click here! But before you do that, read this one πŸ™‚

My family has always celebrated Halloween in some way since I was five. My dad finds Halloween annoying because he hates answering the door (which he doesn’t do anyway) but this year he is going out with his friends. My mum loves Halloween, she decorates the house and loves to give sweets to the trick or treaters. I’m British so Halloween isn’t really big here but we still get a few people knocking on our doors.

When I was five to 10 years old, I use to go to this inside playground in my town where they would hold Halloween parties. I would always go with my mum, my brother and one of friends who had leukaemia. I would pick a victim (always a boy) and chase them around the ball pit. I was quite a flirt. The place where I would go was called Sharkies and they always hold really fun competitions. One of the competitions that I would always want to win was Colour in the Pumpkin, I never won and I would always cry. When I was 7, my friend (the one who had cancer) won and I was so mad! I use to get really jealous over A as I didn’t really know how ill she was. My mum got really angry one year and took me home.

We went to sharkies every year until A died and we stopped. I always feel a bit weird near Halloween. I’m happy but I’m not. Like I have happy memories of A and Halloween but I sometimes feel a bit… disappointed. I sometimes find myself still thinking that A is alive but then I have to remind myself, she isn’t here.

Anyway, I have a really nice picture of my brother, A and me standing and smiling into the camera. A and I are Witches and my brother is a skeleton. It always makes me smile. I don’t think I have it anymore because we gave it to A’s mum.

So I’ve got a list of what costumes I went as:

1. Witch for like 3 years

2. Devil when I was 10.

3. Prom queen when I was 11

4. Vampire when I was 12 and 13

5. This year, I am going as the queen of hearts.

Ellephant (my best friend) and I are going trick and treating this year. She has sorted out all of my costume of me as I’m rubbish at costume ideas and stuff like that. She has also started a blog and I think we are posting Halloween blog posts. I’m so very happy for being able to post on Elm’s blog and thankyou for reading this post. If you would like to see what I also do, click here and I’ll see you soon!

Hideaway Girl xxx

One of the Best Days of my Life

There are days that, sometimes, just go so right that you want to savour them forever and ever, and never let them go.

Before reading this, have a look at this post because, y’know, I’m too tired and too happy to explain the situation again.

So, I went to the theme park with Aspen, and it was the most amazing thing I have ever done. I don’t even know how to explain it. Odd did come – thank God – I didn’t post about the developments over the week with that, because I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

I NEVER thought it would pull through. Ever. I just thought I’d be disappointed, but it HAPPENED, and it happened to ME, and it was so much better than I could have hoped for.

Let’s do a little list of highlights:

Being with him
Talking to him
Talking to all his friends, who are actually brilliant
STANDING NEXT TO HIM like what even I was standing next to a guy who I met on the internet
Realising I actually have feelings for the guy (not so good but I calmed down)

“Hey, can I sit next to you on this ride, for the banter?”
“Yeah, sure!” (We had already gone on that ride and the second time was even better).

He nearly put his arm around me on that ride, or so Odd says
Me repeatedly mumbling “ASPEN, I’m gonna kill you aaargh I’m scared I’m gonna kill you!” and him saying, “Well then, I’ll die happy.”
Gripping onto his arm for dear life – OKAY, I didn’t NEED to do that, but I’m pathetic but shh
Shouting “JOHN CENA!” on one of the rides and nearly crying with laughter
Standing directly next to him in a shop and just thinking “HOLY SHIT, I’m here!”

Hugging him when we said goodbye.

HUGGING HIM WHEN WE SAID GOODBYE.

Stop there for a sec – I HUGGED. HIM. As in I put my arms around him. And I think he was shocked for a second but he hugged me back and texted me afterwards saying “I’m still trying to get over the fact that you actually hugged me.”

Odd is CONVINCED he is “into me”, but I’m not so sure. Apparently (I wouldn’t know this) he was giving me little glances – it all points to that he IS, but like I said, I doubt it.

I have never had so much fun. I’ve never felt so happy, or at least not for a long time. Nothing has ever gone so RIGHT, in one day, without things ruining it; I can’t believe this happened to ME.

He was exactly how I expected him to be, in real life. We’re going to meet in the half term.

Guys, it just hit me: this is real. This isn’t just a far away dream. This happened; I’m real, he’s real and THIS IS REAL. This can go somewhere. It’s not hopeless – and even if it is, who can judge me for hoping?

Also, Red, thanks for tapping me on the head and then buggering off; it was all I heard from him all day.

This day has been one of the best of my entire life, and I’m not exaggerating. Things like this don’t ever happen to me; at least, nothing so perfect (because it WAS perfect in my eyes) has just happened, without any drawbacks.

True, at the beginning, I thought it was hopeless and that he just wouldn’t talk to me, but the thing with him is that he makes EQUAL TIME for everyone, which I respect above all.

I’m so glad this has happened. Even if things go to shit within the month, I don’t care: I’ll look back on this and smile, because I needed this. He’s my friend and that fills me with happiness – ACTUAL happiness.

Thank you so much for reading. I’m so glad I can share this.

From Elm πŸ™‚