The Strength Of Childhood – Collab with HonestlyLau!

Dear Elm,

I wouldn’t change my childhood if I could, it was full of opportunities and memories. I learned so much from my mum and dad, they gave me the best childhood.

I’d always just have fun, and that’s what a childhood should be about. At a young age, I grew a passion for drawing til this day, I still love it.

Before I was born, there was my brother. We were really close when we were younger, I have memories of playing in our plastic cars, the ones where you had to move it with your feet. As the years went by, we would argue constantly but that’s what brothers and sisters do.

In school, I was shy. I never really knew how to make friends but thankfully in Year 1 and 2, I made some friends that lasted until the end of Secondary school. As mostly everyone experiences, I was bullied but I liked to think that it didn’t need to bother me.

In primary school, I loved it. I grew a passion for reading, my friends from Year 1 and 2 went to the same school, so I didn’t have a difficult time making friends.

In Year 4, I made friends with a new girl who only stayed around a year. We were best friends, I’d go around her house and just play. I still remember some amazing memories, it was a good time in my life. After she left, I was pretty heartbroken. It didn’t take long when I started to become to a whole group of people. They were all so loud and confident, which I was shy so I didn’t blend in too well. Nevertheless, they made me feel welcome and joined me in, in all the games.

At this time, I wasn’t really a girly girl, I liked makeup but other then that, I was pretty much a tomboy. I remember collecting Match Attack cards, and I would watch Pokรจmon.

I then transitioned into Secondary school, which was where I adventured into makeup and made even more friends. Of course, there were ups and downs but I made it out alive..well barely.

That pretty much brings me to now, I went into a course..passed and I’m now on the course I wanted for years.

Thank you so much to Elm, for allowing me to do this collaboration with her. I really enjoyed writing this. Elm wrote a post over on my blog which I definitely recommend checking out.

Thank you for reading!

Lau x

What Youโ€™re Capable Of | A Letter to 17-Year-Old Me

Dear Elm,
I know what you’re thinking. “Oh God, if she’s writing a letter to me, something really must have happened – what happened??? What’d I do? Ahh shit, what am I like in a year – am I worse? AM I?” and words to that paranoid effect. I know us far better than you would give me credit for and no, that doesn’t make sense but we think in pretty much the same way so just go with it. The difference is that I know far more than you, you moronic child – and again no, that’s not self-hating, it’s just the truth.

Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m writing this today because for some reason, we take stock in these days – birthdays, when you started this blog and today because it’s associated with love. I never knew I was capable of being sentimental.

Speaking of, you have no idea what’s going to happen over the next year and just how confusing things will get. On that note, I want to tell you a few little things because you don’t know what you’re able to do when you feel panicky. So, let’s jump into a year of being an idiot – and just for the record, you stop talking about love on your blog and it’s time I started again.

In the next few days and weeks, you’re going to do something really stupid. Actually – the thing itself isn’t stupid, it’s just how you respond to it. You’re going to emotionally hurt someone close to you; you’re going to feel violently guilty but not take steps to do anything about that and in the future, that affects your relationships with people and they don’t trust you as much. You probably would know what I was talking about but it’s not a case of just “being honest” with this. You’re terrified, or you will be soon, and you don’t know how to cope with that. In short, you’re capable of running away, lying and refusing to deal with the consequences.

Let’s talk about lying for a minute. You’ve never properly, truly lied before but now is when you start: you lie about your feelings; you lie about how much that affects you; you act utterly blank and emotionless when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Looking back, I feel quite sorry for you because you lived – and still live – in a world of terror that makes you firmly believe that you deserve nothing and by doing that, you don’t let yourself live in the moment, have anything good – or hope. You lie for fear of people hating you and when you tell the truth, it either comes with negative consequences or causes irreversible panic and I wish you’d known that people care about you so much and just want to know if you’re okay. Though that doesn’t excuse anything you do, how you upset people, I – and the people involved – understand you a lot more now. Don’t throw away things just because of fear, okay?

Here’s the thing. You wouldn’t believe me when I say this but you block someone for no good reason and attempt to justify that to yourself and others by pushing the anger you feel – for the first time – onto someone else rather than yourself. You stop doing that totally when you unblock them and talk about it – and there’s another thing. Communication is amazing and you will learn to treasure the ones who are as open as they can be with you. In August, you’ll have many difficult conversations but you are capable of learning. I’m proud of you for that. Those conversations need to happen and you finally learn that the most beautiful people are the ones who don’t try to fix you – they just try to be there.

Last October, you were hurt so badly by circumstances beyond your control and this October, I’m sorry to say it happens again and you’re left wrecked from it. However, you’re able to pick yourself up a little: you rely on friends, have screaming breakdowns and move on- and can I just say, stop lying to yourself about that shit! I’d love to tell you it resolves itself, that you feel utterly fine about things in a year’s time but you don’t and that’s something you have to contend with – guilt, confusion and the persistent feeling that you’ll never be good enough. That’s bullshit and we know it but some people have a habit of making you question your own existence.

It’s not all negative. You are capable of beautiful things but I want you to discover them on your own. Trust me, if you could read this, you’d never believe me. Sometimes I don’t believe me either.

For instance, if I told you what you’ve been repressing for ages and how much you’ve been lying to yourself about someone, you’d call me a twat and break your computer. If I told you that you travel three hours on your own and meet some amazing people, that you become way more independent and that you realise feelings were okay to have, you’d glare at me in the weird way we do and ask if all of those internal theories of alternate universes were, in fact, true. They might be but I’m in your universe so deal with it.

You are capable of so many things. Having feelings again – but shhh, don’t tell anyone – and you discover so much about how your mind works. You finally go to counselling and process some emotions. You still lie but you’ve stopped lying to yourself so much and you’ve stopped twisting your own perception of reality.

I hope I can look back on this in a year’s time and that I could say I was brave. One thing I’ve learned from you is that running away and ignoring our feelings never works. They don’t just go away. Maybe tonight, I’ll make my 17-year-old self proud and tell people how I feel. Or maybe, said self wouldn’t be proud – just shocked and slightly apprehensive at how grim, wise and less self-hating I sound.

I’m still making progress. I’m not like you any more but in a way, I am – we love the same but express it differently. Just remember one thing – love isn’t scary. Neither is hope.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Sceptical Love

Yesterday, a friend told me that ever since October – AKA ever since this whole thing happened – I’ve started to make more sensible decisions. After thinking back over the stupid shit I’ve done recently that people don’t know about, I disagreed but then realised that in a way, it’s true. I’ve done things that screw with people’s feelings and make me less confused but in the process, I’ve become almost cynnical to the idea of love.

Funny that – how decisions that were supposed to bring my mind back to a restful state have in fact clouded my mind to the very thing that I hoped would return to me. That’s the magical aspect of love – that leaping feeling you get in your heart, the smiles and the lack of worry.

My reaction to being cheated on was quite out of the ordinary, now that I think about it. I wasn’t angry; I didn’t shout; you’d expect me to hate them both and to never want to speak to them again. In fact, my reaction was so opposite to that that I now don’t really know how to react angrily to much. I’ve become a little numb to everything but the other option was to be filled with unfair anger that wasn’t deserved; I prefer this.

However, it did affect my self-worth. I’d say it affected my view of relationships – the stuff that happened after more so, but it contributed to it. I can no longer think of being in a relationship without being intensely paranoid; physical experiences or the idea of them make me feel anxious but still, I’m so lonely sometimes I could cry. It has made me do a lot of things I shouldn’t have done because I thought that it was the right thing to do: have I always been like this? Was Jasmine just a way for me to feel something?

Occasionally, I wish I’d never done some of the stuff I did but then I remember that lessons were learnt by doing that and that it’s okay to utterly screw up sometimes. I’ve become almost disconnected from it; it’s got to the point where when people call me a slut as a joke, I wholeheartedly agree with them and then question who I am. Was I really that stupid or was it alright to do everything? Fuck, I wish I could talk about it but I can’t and it breaks me: is not being able to talk to you guys the reason why my view of love’s become a bit… Warped?

Whenever anyone tells me that I’d be a good girlfriend, that I’m loyal or that I can love well, I laugh inside my head. I no longer trust relationships or I don’t trust people not to hurt me, to cheat on me, to find me too high-maintenance or to just get pissed off or bored of me. I think myself so uninteresting, so unappealing physically and emotionally that when I imagine anyone wanting to be with me or being attracted to me, it’s so alien that it makes me scoff.

It’s not anger that I feel. Rather, it’s an utter lack of faith in falling in love; it’s the piece short of a puzzle that would make me truly happy in a relationship. After the “October incident”, I was so miserable that I closed myself off to the idea of loving anyone and having them love me in return; I had no idea what to do with feelings that crept up on me. As a result, I threw them away and panicked so viciously that I both broke myself and someone else. That should give you an idea of just how little I believe in myself.

I’m being honest with you – or as honest as I can be – because I haven’t been. I haven’t had a true crush since July; anything after that was ruined by paranoia and a need to prove to myself that I was fine when I so obviously wasn’t. Now that I think I have feelings for someone, I’m trying to smash them down because it would only screw me over. My view is that it’s not worth getting hurt; nobody would be interested in me so what’s the point in trying; any feelings I’ve had recently have been tinged with pain and I feel like I’m running on a road to nowhere and the road isn’t even really a road – it’s more of a shitty kind of track. I know that’s all wrong but what else can I feel?

I got so unblinded to love that I now don’t know how to see it for the beautiful thing it can be. I know that relationships, that crushes can be great but to me, it’s all dark, terrifying and I’d always think about the ending. I miss the carefree part of it – like with S the first time or even the time when I first realised I was in love with Ash.

Let’s see where I go from here. Maybe I’ll have that back again: maybe the person I have in mind will be the person who lets me feel that unfiltered happiness. I know that worries can be good but mine would be so huge that I wouldn’t be able to see the positives: I’m naturally wary of my feelings now. I don’t know if they’re real, if I deserve to have them or if they will ever amount to anything (doubtful). I also feel guilty at the idea of falling in love because I miss the love I had, though I can’t hold onto it.

I’m cynical, sad and suspicious of love but that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of it. I will be one day but I think I’d have to jump over a thousand hurdles before I get to them. I sincerely doubt anyone would be willing to be with me along that journey and wait for me at the end.

How do you feel towards love?

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Finding the Happiness in My 2016

2016 was simultaneously the best and worst year that I’ve had so far. It was filled with breakups, breakdowns, sadness, self-hatred and so much more.

However, within the negatives, there were so many positives that I can’t overlook. Instead of focusing on the bad things, I want to think about the good: there’s no use dwelling on my upset, especially on the day before my birthday.

At the beginning of this year, I had a boyfriend who was – and still is – a great person. I broke up with him in February because I realised that if you don’t have feelings for someone, you absolutely shouldn’t be with them, and then a month later I was with a girl who is a wonderful person and got me through the last few months. She broke up with me in May, which sparked off a whole chain of shit I don’t even want to think about. The events that happened after all of that have resulted in my emotional state now, but it taught me a lot.

I stopped lying to myself, and accepted that I could be unhappy and faking it wouldn’t make it better. I hold onto the great memories: the texts, laughter, smiles, holding hands in secret by a fire, walking down the streets of London or the ability to be entirely honest with someone whilst holding their hand, not just whilst on the phone.

Taking my exams was an experience, not least because I got great results at the end of it. I made new friends, drifted away from old ones, loved until I cried with the weight of it, and got a few radio and journalistic opportunities.

After everything, I became much more comfortable in my own body, and the thought of physical experiences don’t scare me any more – or at least not heavily. I set boundaries for myself and others, feeling less shy about expressing myself. My blog helped me to be more confident, and I hosted the 2016 Blogger Awards as well as making numerous friends who are the best people I could know.

I had the best summer of my life, going to Italy with Robin, relaxing in the sun, and really thinking about my priorities. I got my shit together, perhaps too late but I still did it, and I knew exactly what and who I wanted. That started a relationship that lasted two months, but even for that, it was one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to me and I’m grateful for all the happiness I got out of it. I don’t feel bitter towards anybody, and at the end of the day if people are happy, I’m happy.

Meeting bloggers was the highlight of my year, and I want to continue to do that because I’ve never felt so free. I realised that I can be closed off, which makes me sad, but I’m working on improving it.

I spoke to Ash again, finally coming to terms with everything in my head, and I let go of all the confusing grudges I held towards people like Birch. I started Sixth Form, went to a party, made new friends, and got my hunger back for learning. In October, I went to Paris and through all the tears, I fell in love with life for a short while, sharing experiences with people that were perhaps morally confusing to others, but it made me happy and that’s what matters.

I think what I’m most proud of is that this year, I learnt a lot. It’s one thing to read about hearts being broken in books, to shout about the injustices of people cheating on others but when it happens to you, you realise that the lines aren’t quite so clear-cut. It’s not so simple to say that I should hate people who hurt me, because I don’t at all. I still think I’m not as important, but I’m taking time for myself to think about who I actually am. If someone never tries to help you, or tries and then stops trying, or even if you feel like they’re sick of you, you are STILL worth other people’s time.

I want next year to be a year of letting go. I’m sick of getting hurt, getting smashed to the ground, and so I want 2017 to be easier. I just want to be happy.

Not knowing what will happen is terrifying. This time last year, I never thought I would have got through the worst patch of bad mental health ever; I’m still going and that’s what I think about to stop the tears. I’ve found out who I value as friends, and just why you shouldn’t let people treat you like shit without kicking up a fuss.

I miss too many people that couldn’t give a shit. Over the last year, I’ve become stronger, and more resiliant; I was able to work under pressure and achieve highly. I didn’t stop, even when I wanted to: I’m not at my best, but at least I’m still trying.

I haven’t given up yet, and I won’t.

Maybe I started this year off happily and I’m ending it sad, but that just means that 2017 can be the year where I pull myself together. The year that I’ll look to for hope, because I survived 2016.

Having people around me has really pulled me through. I know that next year, I’ll be by your side as much as I can; bloggers are the reason I still smile, and I couldn’t ask for more amazing friends. If you ever need anything, you can always talk to me, and we can make the coming year a better one through all of the violence, injustice and discrimination that certain people and groups of the world give us.

If I’ve got through this, who’s to say I can’t get through the next load of crap life throws at me? I can love, and be loved, and I’ll be more than okay. I’ll be happy, and it’ll take mountains of tears and shattered hearts to climb out of my sadness, but I can do it.

Bring it on, 2017. I’m still fighting.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

A Letter to 14-Year-Old Me

Dear 14-year-old Elm,
I spoke about how I was two years ago today, and it made me think about you. Or me. Or the me that was you, I suppose; I’m not a separate person but I’ve gone through so many changes that I don’t consider the qualities that you have to be all the ones that I have, and I don’t think we have the same outlook on life.

If I could warn you of all the things that are going to happen, and if I could go back and change them, I wouldn’t. If you knew how I was now, how sad I was but also the amount of happy shit that’s gone on, I don’t think you’d understand and you wouldn’t believe it, for sure. Then again, maybe I’m not giving you enough credit, but the character development I had to go through to become the me I am now, you haven’t had yet. Identity’s a weird thing, because it’s almost like I’m separating myself from you, but where does the line blur? We are the same, but I’m fundamentally different from you in how I think.

I won’t think about that, because I want to explain something that I wish you’d known. I don’t know when I started to respect myself, but it certainly wasn’t 2 years ago: yes, you’re a good person, but you have also and will also be awful. Back when you didn’t know who you were, you were just becoming the person I am, I I guess, but before that was two years ago and that was just shy of the turning point.

In December 2014, I was in love. You are, and you think that he is amazing, and back then he was. But tell me this: when he ignores you for days, when he tells you that his mental health is so bad that he can’t talk – do you deserve that? You think you do, but you don’t, and it makes me so sad that you – I – couldn’t see that. Ash, though you won’t know him as that for at least four months, isn’t your world and you are not his.

It’s so hard to realise that he’s not the centre of everything. It feels like he is and I get that; I won’t deny that at this time, you need him. He brought you one of the best friendships you’ve ever had, but he brought and is bringing you pain, and feelings of panic and paranoia. That’s not healthy, because you aren’t just alive when he messages you, and your heart shouldn’t just beat for him. He is human, and has awful parts to his personality; you may know that but you don’t know that enough.

You’ll blame yourself for so long after. If you knew that he would break friends with you in a horrible way, maybe you’d take stock of things more, prepare yourself for eventual heartbreak. It’s lucky you didn’t, though, because it’ll make you realise a terrible flaw in your personality: you expose people’s privacy, and it’s not cured by a pledge in the dark.

I think that now is one of the periods that he’s ignoring you, and you let it get to you. No, I don’t blame you, but you should realise there’s life outside him. You once compared him to a part in your machine that was so specific that you couldn’t replace it with any old part, but sometimes, you can live without a part. You find new parts that works better, more fluidly, helping you run rather than sapping away all your energy. Even now, I don’t blame him, because I can’t get swallowed up by anger. It’s been 2 years, after all, but remember that you have the right to be angry.

When I look on it, you were consumed by him. You had your friends, and they were and still are brilliant people, but you were always worried about Ash. Maybe the future has distorted the past, but I clearly remember cold days where you’d feel more freezing than the temperature saw fit. It’s not that you couldn’t have an independent thought, because you were happy – remember in lessons? But even then, your mind was a web of Ash and confusion and worry.

You’ll make mistakes, and you have. If I told you you’d kiss S that summer, you’d sob with laughter; if I told you the first time you kissed a girl was over a year ahead, you’d question me but not realise that it was a possibility. It is, and she’s a great person; none of the people you will ever have feelings for are disgusting people. It’s good that you don’t know the future, because though it brought me so much self-hatred, I needed to go through it so that I could grow up.

I need you to know that Ash’s secret is not an excuse for why he’s ignoring you. These late night conversations will be in your mind, that time you were on the phone in the cold with him which must have been just a month ago. All of that: the lovely words, the trust, the heart-stopping feelings you have for him – doesn’t make it okay for him to treat you like that. At that point, nothing is your fault, but if I told you that you wouldn’t listen. We are similar, after all.

I’m you, but I’m a you that’s had her heart broken three times, whereas you’re a you that doesn’t know how that feels. Getting rejected 8 months ago was nothing compared to what will happen, but whenever you’re going through pain, remember this:

You’re fucking beautiful and don’t let anyone tell you you aren’t. Your body is your own, and don’t do something just because you think it’s right for them, and not for you. Hold your friends close, and look to the future with hope; nothing’s as dark as you think because there will always be hope. Ash isn’t the end, your heart isn’t unbreakable, and all of the happy memories will get you through.

I love you, in a way, because you ARE thoughtful despite your apparent carelessness. You know what qualities you have, why people like you, so grip onto that and don’t let go. I may not respect some of the things you did, like telling people about your and Ash’s messages, but I understand.

You’ll start a blog, and love people and cry, but you’ll also laugh. You’ll find some beautiful friendships, lose them, and find them again. You already have them, and they will be there for you.

You aren’t alone and you aren’t a terrible person. I’m not, either. The one thing that’s definitively the same about you and I is that we will always help people when they need it. I’m proud of you for that.

Love from Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s not the End, and I’m Glad

Let’s grab your attention and shock the shit out of you and myself: today, Ash and I spoke for the first time in a little over a year. To find out who he is, visit this page. Here’s how it happened.

I spent the day with Red and Ivy – two of my best friends who are fantastic. We walked around the town, laughed at stupid things (I cried because I laughed so hard), took pictures of birds and sat on the grass. GODDD it was amazing and I felt so happy; I needed a distraction from the stuff that’s been going on recently. Also, I can never think of mirror selfies the same way again, so thanks for that ๐Ÿ˜›

It was over lunch that I broached the subject of Ash, and how I’d been thinking of messaging him over the past few weeks. It’s true: recently, I’ve just been wanting to do it, to see how it would go; to prove to myself I COULD. The two of them didn’t judge me at all – in fact they were bloody supportive. After we walked around for a bit, we went and sat on the grass, chatted and threw grass at each other, and that was when I messaged him.

I’d talked about it with them, got a little scared, but then just messaged him saying hi – that was all. It worked, really; I couldn’t say anything else. It felt freeing, and like I could really do this. How do I express this?

I then wouldn’t think about it – I told myself, “Don’t obsess. You did that last time, and it’s okay – he’ll reply when he replies.” Ivy reminded me to check now and again, but it didn’t turn into a constant worry; I’m proud of myself for that. After I’d sent it, I felt really sick but that was the only time when I properly freaked. Luckily, they were there to help me, and we turned it into a symbolic thing without making it overly serious.

He DID reply, and I’m so happy that when I saw, I only got the slightest twinge of “WHATTHEFUCK is going on???” I was relatively calm, which is surprising; it kind of shows me that I’m way more okay with what happened than I thought. YESSS.

God, it feels so surreal. You know when you just experience things and you ask yourself, “Is this ACTUALLY HAPPENING?!”

I think what propelled me to do this was that a few days ago, Aspen (my ex-boyfriend who I really respect) messaged me which made me unbelievably happy; he and I have conversations from time to time but we hadn’t spoken in two months before he’d messaged me. That made me feel like the past was in reach, and that it was okay to do this; I’ve been feeling like I NEED to get closure for things. Aspen was the first step, and I think now WAS the right time to message Ash

Our conversation is very formal – asking how each other is, how exams are going. But it’s something. My heart’s filling with so much happiness right now, because I took that first step. It may seem like I’m dragging up the past when I shouldn’t, but it actually doesn’t feel like that. I’m no longer that girl who would wait for his messages and wonder, “Does he hate me; what have I done wrong; am I awful?” I’ve grown.

Sorry, I’m feeling so emotional at the moment and I’m not. sure why. Just the fact that I’ve opened the door to something that used to cause me so much pain, and when I opened it I was FINE, makes me feel so happy for things to come. I doubt that Ash will attach any significance to my messages, because we aren’t exactly having a heart-to-heart, but it’s important to ME.

It’s not the end of Ash and I. There’s still more to the story, still things unsaid, but that’s okay. You don’t always have to tie up all the loose strings – well, in our case, pick up the thoughts scattered for miles.

I won’t make this in to a massive deal. I’m posting this here because I want to – need to. My blog started with Ash, and throughout it, I’ve gone through stages of loving him and hating him. My emotions towards him now are… Neutral. That’s surprising.

Yes, he’s turned into a horrible person. He gets high every day, I’m pretty sure, and has been known to beat people up. That doesn’t stop me wanting to look back on things, and for wanting to show myself. that I can speak to him without screaming. It’s in the past, but I can still talk; I want to show him that we don’t have to be strangers.

Red and Ivy are the only ones that know. When this is published, so will you and I’m happy about that. The majority of you won’t have been here in the midst of everything to do with Ash, but I think you can understand. He was the first person I fell in love with, the person who showed me what being so openly trusted felt like, and the person who smashed my feelings into the ground and kicked them, without realising. Someone like that’s always going to be important. I haven’t told any of my real life friends, but if they read this then they’ll know.

Even if I may get backlash, or questions as to why the hell I’ve done this, you have to understand my reasons. It’s for me, and for everyone who used to cry over someone who never, and could never, love them back.

If you’re thinking of getting back in contact with someone who once meant the world to you, think about it before you do it. Ask yourself, “Will I be okay afterwards? Will I be able to deal with whatever happens?” If your answer is yes, grab it with both hands. You can do this.

It’s not the end. It’s not the end of my past, because it’s in reach. I CAN be strong enough to talk to Ash, in fact, I AM. Today is not the end of our conversations – though I may message him with a simple hi every now and then, that’s not pathetic. It’s just… Okay.

I’m okay. I’m happy. I’m going to take this and learn, and hold the past with no tears in my eyes.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s Good that I Didn’t Post Yesterday

On my blog twitter, yesterday, I posted about three tweets – you can go and have a look – where I said I wasn’t feeling okay, but not to worry and that I would post about it tomorrow (AKA today).

On my part, that was a sensible decision because I was miserable at the time and anything I wrote would be so negative, not make sense and ultimately cause me more pain than I was in at the time. BEFORE YOU ASK, no, nothing bad has happened. I just thought a lot and those thoughts made me upset.

Last night, I sat for about half an hour, listening to music and just feeling awful because I was thinking about the past. I thought about Ash, Cassia, even fucking PALM and Birch – look at this page to find out who they are – and the songs I listened to, I remember, were ones I had listened to before. By before, I mean about a year and a half ago, where I sat in the dark, shaking (GOD I remember that time so clearly), and I was in love for the first time and just… Why? I don’t get why everything just slammed into my brain yesterday.

I couldn’t really think: the thoughts just washed over me, feelings of sadness and missed opportunity. It brought me back to different times, different feelings and when I thought about different people, and I think that’s what hurt. For once, I didn’t beat myself up about the Ash situation – I just let myself feel every negative emotion I could, to get it out, and to just LET myself feel without hating myself.

I was angry, furious, upset, resigned, hopeless.

But I’m NOT, any more. Not today. Not once I went to sleep and woke up, without that awful cloud over me. I mean it didn’t help that I found out that Ash got into a fight with someone significantly smaller than him, he lost and broke his nose – in this case, he deserved it. I didn’t get the awful stab of pain I sometimes get when I think about him hurting. I just… All those emotions had been felt yesterday. They’ll come back, but at least for today I know that I have NO feelings of loyalty to him any more.

And that’s okay. It’s MORE than okay because slowly, I’m admitting to myself that he was HORRIBLE, perhaps for a reason but perhaps not for one either. It might seem obvious to you, but it will always take time for me.

To sum up, I’m okay. I’m so happy that I’m okay, because sometimes, you just have to let yourself feel emotions. Don’t think you’re awful for it. I might not have been the most sensible in my methods for making myself feel – AKA forcing myself to feel emotional pain – but that’s just ME.

Don’t lock things inside. You need to let things out, and tell yourself that doing that is OKAY.

I hope you’ve had an amazing day, because you deserve it. I want you to learn from the things I’ve done, and you’ve done – that’s why I tell you all these things, why I’m so raw and sometimes negative on here. Life isn’t all roses and sunshine, but neither is it all despair and loneliness.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t get crushes on appearance, but the alternative’s worse

So I just remembered this HORRIFYING crush on this boy I had in year 8 for about a year… And the small one I had on someone I’d never spoken to in year 10… And that bad one in year 9…

OKAY OKAY. You know how a lot of people say that blind people can’t have crushes on someone’s appearance, and how that’s good because they won’t judge? YEAH, that’s true, but…

At least for me, I find other things to crush on. Oho, let’s jump right in.

In year 8, I had a HUGE crush on this boy – I won’t name him or even make a codename for him – for a year. I was CONVINCED I was in love with him – so much so that I would literally imagine what it would be like to be married to him and oh god no what even… And you know WHY I had a crush on him?

BECAUSE OF HIS VOICE. And the way he spoke in class. What the hell?! (I mean, he was also really intelligent and I had a massive crush on that, and there were probably other reasons, but seriously I thought I was so grown up and it was SO superficial).

And then, there was this time at the end of year 10 – or year 9 I can’t remember. Each year, we have an assembly where somebody usually plays music at the beginning or at the end, and that year this guy played piano.

AND HOLY SHIT, I GOT A CRUSH ON HOW HE PLAYED PIANO. (Red, if you’re reading this, don’t laugh; I know you know who this is and if you show him I’ll kill you). I didn’t have a CRUSH on the guy, but I was obsessed with him for about a day, so it counts.

Seriously, though, his piano playing was amazing. And beautiful. And I said how amazing and beautiful it was and then I was told he was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME when I said that… Yah, thanks, Willow and Pine.

Argh… There have been others. Like the time I fancied someone purely because they made me laugh on one occasion, or the time I was literally OBSESSED with somebody… Hmmm… Let’s not go into that.

The point is, I have had SO many superificial crushes on people; I’m not exactly immune. I don’t get crushes on the colour of someone’s eyes; I get crushes on the way they say (x squared plus 12.”

I hope you enjoyed reading that! Or perhaps I’m just blabbering about nonsense. If you like these kinds of posts, do let me know!

What are some of the seriously weird crushes you’ve had on people? Please tell me I’m not alone!

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

Holyyy Crahp

I’ve just read some of the posts from my old blog.

Not the one I’ve linked to in my about page. No – the one before that. The one where I used my real name. The worst thing I have ever written, where I was attention-seeking. Towards the end of it, you can see the person I am now; the foundations of that grew after 13 October 2014.

It’s a shock. It’s a slap in the face. My heart’s racing and I can’t BELIEVE I forgot about this huge section of my life.

I don’t even want to classify it as a blog. Because, really, I NEVER interacted with my readers, I barely ever received comments (and I do mean barely ever) and it didn’t occur to me to get involved with the community. At all.

So, you know, I’m looking back at these old posts and I’m so glad I wrote on the next blog as Gem, and on this blog as Elm. It’s made me grow. But to look back at this is so funny, and so heartbreaking, because it was before EVERYTHING went to hell with Ash. I mean I ended it in November 2014, which were the happiest days of my life.

It’s funny how my writing style’s changed, isn’t it?

As for you guys looking – unfortunately, unless you know my real name, I can’t show it. If you ask me, I’ll give you the link, because I’m annonymous on here, which means no real name on the public blog.

Then again, I could change my name, site address etc etc. If I do, you’ll get to see a part of my life that hardly anyone got to see – or rather, I posted it ALL over Twitter, but it’s something you guys haven’t seen.

I kind of don’t want to do that, to be honest. I want to save something like a relic, from before the fake names made me into the person I am, right now.

If you do want to see it, let me know.

Thanks for reading!

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

TTTS Week 7 – A Letter to My Preteen And Future Self

… I’m terrible. I know I am. I’ve only done ONE TTTS PROJECT POST UGH PLEASE DON’T KILL ME! I don’t even have a bloody excuse…

So, for week 7, we had to write a letter either to our preteen or future selves – and I’m doing both, because I’m living on the edge like that. Here we go.

I don’t know how old you are right now – I’d guess 11. And if I’m right, please listen to me.

You’ve got some difficult years ahead, but when things happen, don’t regret any of it. You’ll learn from your experiences.

Elm, I know it’s difficult now. Something’s recently just happened, or is going to happen soon, that will fuck you over – get used to the language. You say worse.

That’s what I want to talk about now. No matter what, it’s okay. You might not know what happened, or what’s going to happen fully, but I know you had a pretty good idea. There’s just one thing: if you can help it, don’t tell too many people. I told too many, and that’s the ONLY thing I regret.

It’s so difficult. Even now, I find it difficult, but it’s okay. Nothing about it is your fault – in fact, don’t blame yourself for anything. Nothing is ENTIRELY your fault.

You’re strong. I know it was difficult to find friends in primary school, but it gets easier. It gets SO much easier, and you should have realised that. Realise it now, instead of trying to fit in; people love you for who you are.

Three years or so from now, you’re going to fall in love. It sounds strange, right? But you will have the happiest and worst moments of your life because of that boy; don’t change a thing. Let it run it’s course. You’ll be hurt, but it gets better. I promise.

Speaking of, loving anyone is okay. You’ll go through some pretty stupid “crushes”, I can guarantee that. But seriously, just be yourself. I can’t stress that enough.

It’s going to be difficult, but you have so many friends now. It gets better; I just wish you knew that. I’d never change a thing, so please don’t wish you could.

Stay strong for everyone, okay? Right now, they need you. Usually, I’d tell you to look after yourself, but you can do that once this is over. Never forget that.

There’s so much more I’d like to say, about how you can be amazing. You’ll only keep one solid friend from primary – I know you’d be glad to hear that. I wish that it was two, but you can’t change the past; who knows, maybe you’ll see him again.

Always be yourself. Your dad and sister – and hell, even your mum – love you. They always have.

It’s difficult now, and it’s difficult in the future, but it gets worse before it gets better.

Love from you

* * *

I don’t know how old you are now. 20? 25? Does it even matter?

You’ll look back on this and think, “God, I’m immature.” Or “What was I thinking?”

Or I bloody well hope you won’t. Are you serious? We worked so damn hard on this blog and this life.

Is Ash still around? I’d laugh if he was. You know how paralysed with fear we’d get at the thought of him talking to us again. It’s difficult, right? I know, right now, that there are still things left unsaid – knowing him, he’ll say them.

Did you ever reconcile with Palm? Oh, what happened with S – do you even REMEMBER S? And Palm, too; it was only a 2 week relationship, but things stick in your mind like that.

I wonder what we’re like now. I dread to think. If you’ve got married already, I’ll kick you. Joking – or am I? Did you go to uni? Did you ever meet up with Cassia again? If you didn’t, I’ll kick you, and I mean that.

I have questions for the future, and advice for the past. It’s weird, isn’t it?

Do you still love singing, and songwriting? Bloody hell, I hope you’ve at least got 10 or 15 more songs done by now. Knowing you, you won’t, but there you go.

If I read this letter in 10 years, I’ll laugh. Or will you, maybe?

What name do you go by now? Do you even GO on the internet any more? For blogging, I mean; if you’ve abandoned this, I swear to anything I believe in (which is nothing) that I willhit you.

Sorry, sorry…

Love from your younger, 15-year-old, irritating-as-hell self.

I prefer the first letter, but the second letter is genuinely how I’d talk to myself.

You’ve probably noticed that in the first letter, I talk about an event that happened when I was 11. That’s… Very complicated and I really don’t want to get into it right now. Perhaps one day, I’ll talk about it, but it’s difficult. I just wanted to say that because you may ask questions.

Merci for reading!

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚