The TMI Tag!

OKAY OKAY OKAY so I don’t think I’ve done a tag in at least… Probably around 60 years. I also don’t think I’ve ever done this one before and so my little heart, needing a break from exams and stress, is way too excited about this.

The idea for this post comes from Mary whose post is so funny and made me wildly laugh at one point. Thanks for providing me with inspiration and sorry that it took me this long to get around to doing this tag!

The TMI tag consists of 50 questions and you answer them. It’s that simple. I do warn you – I haven’t taken this quite as seriously as some of my other tags (though when do I ever take a tag completely seriously?) and I’m sorry for the amount of capitals. Have fun reading this!


1: What are you wearing?
Jeans and a t-shirt of some kind. I can’t actually remember what colour they are – the t-shirt’s light and that’s all I can tell. If you’re confused as to why, look at this.

2: Ever been in love?
Yes. It was fucking painful.

3: Ever had a terrible breakup?
I’m not actually sure. I’d say yes because the breakup I’m thinking of – just over a year and a half ago now – was really painful but it wasn’t terrible in that the person wasn’t a dick and it’s complicated and this.

4: How tall are you?
I am 6 foot 7 and FIGHT ME IF YOU DISAGREE. Actually I’m just under 5 foot 1 but shhh I’m going to pretend I’m tall?

5: How much do you weigh?
I think either just over or just under 40 kilograms but I don’t weigh myself really. I’m very thin and very short; I’m not sure if it’s because I was born really early or if I’m just tiny?

6: Any tattoos?
As far as I know, no.

7: Any piercings?
I have one earring in each ear – I got them pierced at the end of last year.

8: OTP?
Tanner and Sebastian from Autoboyography I LOVE THAT BOOK SO MUCH

9: Favourite Show?
Ugh, this will be a trend but I don’t really have one. Anyone got any recommendations?

10: Favourite bands?
I don’t really get obsessed with bands but I like We the Kings and Arctic Monkeys to an extend and I DON’T KNOW??

11: Something you miss?
Being able to have feelings without freaking out about them, second guessing myself and then being a moron.

12: Favourite song?
At the moment, Honey by Kehlani or Think Before I Talk by Astrid – the acoustic version is beautiful.

13: How old are you?
18 but I look about 12.

14: Zodiac sign?
Capricorn but horoscopes creep me out and say I’m work-orientated which is just wrong.

15: Quality you look for in a partner?
Someone who understands that I’m confused and that I have a shit ton of internal issues that I still have to sort out; someone who won’t fuck off at the first instance of my paranoid mind showing up.

16: Favourite Quote?
“Do you think me handsome?”
“NO, sir.”
-Jane Eyre

17: Favorite actor?
See number 9.

18: Favourite colour?
Probably blue. I’m not sure?

19: Loud music or soft?
It depends on what I’m feeling. If I want to forget my feelings I’ll put some shit pop songs on but if I’m feeling sentimental, I have a Spotify playlist with rather unhappy music it’s great.

20: Where do you go when you’re sad?
I don’t go to a specific place; I either totally avoid people or force myself to socially interact but it’s usually the former.

21: How long does it take you to shower?
About 40 years; I’m not even joking.

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
If I’m hurrying about half an hour but if not, about an hour I’d say? I hardly ever wear makeup and I usually leave the house looking like a troll.

23: Ever been in a physical fight?
No no no.

24: Turn on?
HAHAHAHAH WHAT IS INTIMACY

25: Turn off?
People who are arseholes and trivialise issues 🙂

26: The reason I joined WordPress?
I wanted an outlet and to help people have the same. I needed a place to express my thoughts where I wouldn’t be judged. All of this is still true, of course.

27: Fears?
Bees, being left alone, screwing up all my friendships, panicking.

28: Last thing that made you cry?
Exams I LOVE A-LEVELS SO MUCH!!!

29: Last time you said you loved someone?
Last night to my mum. If we’re talking romantically, last year but it was one-sided and oops I’m just going to forget about that.

30: Meaning behind your Blog Name?
I honestly don’t know. I wanted a name that wasn’t really a name and I got kind of sick of getting too hung up on identities so that’s where the “Or something” comes from. I didn’t really think about it at the time – it just clicked into place.

31: Last book you read?
I haven’t been able to read much so it was a re-read of Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda which is amazing, by the way.

32: The book you’re currently reading?
Because of exams, I’m not reading anything right now which saddens me.

33: Last show you watched?
Probably a miscellaneous episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine but that would have been ages ago because exams.

34: Last person you talked to?
My mum, if by talking you mean physically speaking.

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?
I don’t know?? She’s very special to me but we haven’t defined anything fully yet and I want to wait until after exams to process my feelings properly.

36: Favourite food?
chocolate of some kind. I’m so healthy.

37: Place you want to visit?
Either Amsterdam or Australia.

38: Last place you were?
My room?? I don’t really get this question but yes.

39: Do you have a crush?
YES BUT FEELINGS WHAT ARE THEY REALLY HELP

40: Last time you kissed someone?
Two weeks ago.

41: Last time you were insulted?
I mean,,, I don’t remember, probably recently but I just didn’t realise it was an insult.

42: Favourite flavour of sweet?
… I have – idea whatsoever.

43: What instruments do you play??
I used to play piano and I also vaguely sing.

44: Favourite piece of jewellery?
I love necklaces because bracelets never seem to fit me and earrings are a pain.

45: Last sport you played?
HAHAHAHA OH GOD THAT IS FUNNY

46: Last song you sang?
You Don’t know by Katelyn Tarver. My singing ability has been somewhat destroyed for now by a cold I’ve got.

47: favourite chat up line?
Have I seen you before? Oh wait…

48: Have you ever used it?
I don’t think so; I really hope I haven’t.

49: Last time you hung out with anyone?
When I saw Pearl last.

50: Who should answer these questions next?
Honestly, anyone who reads this post. It’s actually a lot of fun to do this tag so go for it!

I hope you enjoyed reading this pile of shit – sorry, I meant post. I shouldn’t be laughing at my own answers but I am and I think I need to go and do more revision.

See you when exams are over, unless I break and post before then!

From Elm 🙂

Belonging

Pretty much constantly, I have this sense of never quite belonging anywhere and it makes me so desperately lonely that I draw away from people, lose all motivation to do anything and don’t know how to get out of it. I’m feeling this right now and instead of doing my recent thing where I write when I’m “out of feeling crap,” I’m going to write this in the moment, truthfully. Later, I’ll feel horribly guilty for posting negatively but for now, I need to express this because I feel hopeless as fuck and don’t know how to talk about it.

Where does this feeling come from? I’ve tried to answer this question by thinking, writing, talking, singing but nothing quite works. Nothing quite adds up to feeling like I’m truly “with something” and that’s the problem. I hear people talking about things they love, or things they’re part of and I wonder, “Do I love it that much? Am I just an empty shell because I feel so separated sometimes?” It terrifies me and as you can probably tell, it’s difficult to talk about.

I love music, sure, but I don’t get obsessed with bands. Individual songs are what are on my playlist; I don’t even particularly like a specific genre or style of music. Often I say my music taste is obscure but it’s not the obscure of other people’s; I like weird songs but not songs of a type or anything like that. I don’t vehemently hate many songs either. People talk about songs, artists or things I’ve barely heard of and sometimes, so I don’t look stupid, I pretend to know what it is and I listen to the songs afterwards, hating myself and wishing I was more open to music, just wishing I was able to join in. It’s not that “no one gets me” because I don’t have a love of punk rock or alternative music or heavy metal – it’s just that I don’t dedicate myself enough to listening.

I don’t watch enough movies, musicals or plays to be able to understand many references. As with music, I sometimes have to act as if I get it and it leaves me feeling hollow and like I’m wildly stupid because I just don’t understand. It’s not that I worry about people hating me (for once), it’s more that I feel, personally, like I never do enough and that if I tried to watch all these movies, I’d only be doing it to understand when really, I want to watch them so I’ll enjoy them. The movies I have watched, I howl about with enthusiasm because those are the ones I get and can confidently speak about. It’s not even the fact that I’m visually impaired – it’s just that I didn’t in the past and it’s catching up to me now.

With books, I feel a little more confident but still not “with a group”. I love young adult novels, strange feminist literature and some but I still haven’t read enough to be able to feel even a little bit comfortable when talking in class or even with some people I know. In the online world it’s easier; I don’t have the pressure to “READ THIS BOOK” or that. However, I often find myself shying away from conversations about books – even ones I’ve read – because I’m afraid of just not being “with it” enough. It holds me back but I don’t know how to stop myself.

When I say all this, I feel lazy. Surely it’d be easy for me to listen more, read more, watch more movies or just get involved? I get upset, overwhelmed and then entrench the belief that I’m no good to anyone in my mind, forcing myself to believe I’m the shadow of a person and then feeling intense disgust. That’s not healthy and I know that but when I never seem to put effort in, I make myself think I then deserve to feel this isolated. I hate that.

I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I belong in a specific group, community or fandom. It may seem pitiful and whining of me to say this but I feel on the fringes, too embarrassed to speak up because my voice won’t be loud enough, won’t be assured enough. When I talk to someone about a common interest, I feel one step behind because I like a specific part of that interest whereas many people like multiple parts. It confuses me because there are only a few times where I feel like I’m on an even footing and “with someone” when I discuss things.

Of course, there are exceptions to this pile of loneliness I feel. Blogging’s a big one; I feel at home here, with no push to fit with the mould of someone who reads a type of book or who can talk for hours about something with someone and feel comfortable. However, sometimes I find myself shoving my voice to the outskirts on purpose because I ask myself if it’s worth it, whether I should just give up or why people care. That’s why I write this, though; I write it to share my unfiltered thoughts when I need to. They may be negative, they may be confusing but they belong to me and people can’t diminish that by belittling them, even by accident. Volunteering is somewhere else where I express myself because there, it doesn’t matter what I like or don’t like – it just matters that I’m a person and that I can show that to people.

There are always places where you feel more at ease but at the moment, the feeling of loneliness that I tell myself is self-made is taking over my thoughts. Although I’ll talk about it in counselling on Wednesday, I needed an outlet where people don’t give a shit if I scream my thoughts onto a screen, if I’m momentarily selfish because the whole point of my blog is to help me and others, if and when they need the help.

I’m sorry that this post is so jumbled and rambling and, well, weird. I’m trying to get used to writing again; words are becoming difficult to get out sometimes and I want to talk about feeling alone in one of the only places I don’t.

Do you ever feel like this too?

From Elm 🙂

Update: I wrote this on Friday and decided to leave it for a bit. Although I still feel like this, it’s not all-consuming right now but reading over it, I got a real sense of how unhappy I felt. Sometimes it’s good to look back on things.

Musings Whilst on a Train

This idea was inspired by a blogger called My Life Online or Beccaandbeyond – although she’s no longer blogging, I’ve always wanted to do this because her style of writing was wonderful and so I thought I’d credit her. I love the idea of a stream of consciousness whilst travelling and seeming as I’m on a train right now, I just thought I’d write down what I’m feeling as it pops into my head. Because it’s me and my thoughts are disjointed, it should be… Interesting.


Last time I made this particular journey it was a Monday and I was wildly happy because everything had gone right that day and I couldn’t wait to go home. Now I’m kind of looking forward to getting back but I don’t have much at home, at the moment, to want to go back to. Not like last time.

OWW the sun is shining right through the window next to me and into my eye so I’ve just retreated into the corner. Can you retreat if you just sort of slip sideways? Well I’m doing it and I probably look weird.

There’s barely anyone in this carriage. I kind of want to get up and go for a wander but I’m scared I’ll get lost and not be able to find my seat because blind. Oh also, I’m comfortable here and strangers are scary so NOPE.

The train’s shaking and it just squeaked?? Alright then… My stop is in 15 minutes so I may do some reading but can I be bothered?

I’m starting to feel a bit ill and I’m also worried that I won’t get my suitcase in time and that I’ll get left on the train and that the assistance people won’t see me. Maybe I’ll have my case and fall off the train – okay no, I really don’t want to think about that because I’ll have a day nightmare about not getting home and being stranded in Paddington.

Daymare? Can you get those? If I fell asleep, I really would miss my stop. Okay, awake, imagine a wild party and NOO, that won’t work because I don’t go to wild parties.

I need to start getting ready to “disembark” or whatever. Right. The moment of truth… I’m now scared because I’ve totally traveled by myself with a suitcase before… Yep, I’m a pro, done this a million times OKAY NO I’ll just see how this goes.

My dad turned up???

I stood up, ready to get off the train and I was talking to a woman who was also getting assistance there. I stepped forward with my case and my dad said hi and I have never been so surprised. Of all the people, I seriously didn’t expect him to turn up ON MY TRAIN and help me to the other one. The assistance guy was laughing so much. Turns out, my dad works about 5-10 minutes away and decided to come and say hey, even though I’d see him later.

I need to recover from that… I’m on my next train now and I have my suitcase next to me. There’s a woman talking on the phone but other than that, it’s pretty quiet.

I’m sorry but I still can’t get over the fact that my dad appeared earlier? It was so unexpected as well! As you could probably tell, I was all set to get off the train and spend about 5 minutes trying to get the attention of an assistance person but obviously, that didn’t happen. Ugh, my heart’s still racing a bit.

Loads of people just got on the train and if they looked at me, they’d see a girl furiously typing on a keyboard, with a bag on the seat next to her almost as tall as her. Actually that’s not that difficult.

I’M SO HUNGRY UGHHH – I didn’t buy any food in Cardiff.

You’re probably wondering what the hell I was doing up in Wales. I should be in school/wherever.

Ooh, Sunningdale… Where even is that? It sounds like a fairytale place and I’d go there but… Nah, I’d get lost.

I was just reading blog posts and it got me in such a blogging mood… I wish I’d decided to do Blogmas and I mean I could still do it but I haven’t written any preparation posts 😦 oh well – I’ll just get painfully excited from everyone else’s!!!

I’m nearly at my stop and I’m still hungry and getting kind of tired?

Aww there’s a baby crying and I feel so sorry for the baby. There’s also this person standing next to me and I don’t know who they are NO SHIT because I’m on a train… Can you tell I’m exhausted?

When I get home, I’m playing Christmas music. I also want one of those chocolate advent calendars – the ones you get when you’re a kid. I can’t think about chocolate right now though.

I bought my family Welsh cakes from this adorable little Welsh cake shop and I really hope they like them. i mean, I could always eat them if not…

Oooh, one stop before mine! I should get ready… But this seat is – actually no it’s uncomfortable as hell but I’ll pretend to be relaxing.

Trains make the weirdest sounds. It’s sort of… Clicking and trundling along. I won’t call it cute because I want to have at least some credibility left.


I hope you liked that! I’m home now, recovered from travelling and I’m now attempting to relax.

Let me know how your day went in the comments! I hope it wasn’t as paranoid – filled as mine was! I really like doing this kind of posts because it makes me feel really informal and I miss feeling like that so much. What did you think?

From Elm 🙂

Weird Things About This Part of the Blogging World

I was going to do a “THINGS ONLY BLOGGERS UNDERSTAND!” post but I thought I might throw up if I did that, because I’d feel like I’m trying to cater to an audience, which is NOT how I roll.

Even THIS is making me question things. What’s a “part” of the blogging world?

Aren’t we all connected? Which part am I talking about? Teen bloggers, or just me, or just the people I know and what I’ve seen? THAT’s subjective, and there are plenty of teens I haven’t found yet – AHEM that sounds strange shh.

But just go with it. The “part” I’m talking about? Interpret that how you will. My head hurts and thinking about it too much makes me feel strange. After all, this is just MY take on things. And screw lists; let’s do paragraphs. I hate disorganisation oh my god

If you know the bloggers I know, you’ve seen the word blogosphere floating around. I use it, my friend L uses it, and so does a LOT of other people. But WHERE did it come from?

I used it a lot before, but I wasn’t the first. I have no idea who was, but if you think it’s you, WELL DONE because it’s a “common” word now. I’m not even sure who uses it; it just seems to be the word we use.

Also, everyone seems to know everyone else. Here, I’m just talking about the teens I know because I’m an exclusionist fuck, but here are some bloggers and I guarantee you’re going to (or you may, GOD I’m so superior-sounding) recognise them.

Luna, LyfWithEm, Ateenagediaryonline, Reine. See? There are just some common names floating around, that you know instantly. I’m talking GENERALLY here, not everyone. In award posts, I read them and often recognise the majority of names, and blogseaand it makes me wonder why.

This isn’t weird, it’s just lovely. When someone’s down, you can ALWAYS see an amazing comment from someone. We all come together to support this person, whoever they are. I LOVE that.

What other things have you noticed about the bit of the blogging world you’re in? Maybe it’s the same as mine, or maybe you’ve got an entirely different interpretation. It’s a crazy place, but it makes me happy.

HANG ON

IM 10 AWAY from 1000 STOP WHAT

Anyway, I’ll just crawl away now… Oh yeah, have you noticed that when someone makes a post flailing with happiness about the amount of followers they have, NO MATTER how many it is, people congratulate them? It’s amazing and how it should be. 10, 50, 100, 200, 500, 1000. Same amount of congratulations for each one.

From Elm 🙂