Jealousy is a Green-Eyed Monster, Except My Eyes are Brown

A fair few of my friends either “like” people, or are in relationships and my instinctive reaction is to be happy for them – in fact, it’s the reaction I always feel, because I just want people to be happy.

However, I’m the type of person who’s honest about how they feel, and so it horrified me to realise that I also feel a sick sense of sadness whenever I’m “faced” with it. Whenever I’m told, or whenever I see them together, I feel this muted and nasty envy, this shaky and awful reaction that crawls up my throat and turns my thoughts in on themselves. I hate it, and I almost hate myself for feeling it. I feel guilty, worried that my friends will see and misinterpret it as upset, and then never tell me anything.

I don’t quite hate myself, though: I know where it comes from, and so the energy spent hating myself isn’t worth it; I have far better things to do and there are worse parts of my personality than this. This one is almost understandable.

Today, I came to this realisation when I was doing my History work in my Psychology lesson (I was a rebel and hadn’t been given the Psych textbook). I immediately felt disgusted, asking myself:
“Is that how you feel about your friends? You’d be bloody jealous instead of accepting that they’re blissful, you’re not, and get over it? Is that who you really are, Elm – or do you like either of them? Is that it?”

I began to panic, thoughts whirling in a jumble of confusion, until I came to the conclusion that I was being stupid. I don’t like anyone; I don’t want a relationship, and that’s precisely why the answer is much more simple and causes much less angst than I originally thought.

I miss it. That’s all.

Ever since… Well, ever since I broke up with Aspen (my ex-boyfriend, NOT the blogger) almost a year ago now, “liking” somebody has always been tinged with a kind of fear, or worry. Of course, I’m happy when I do – like with Rapunzel and S – but with both of them, I was always paranoid, and it was broken up by the brief spells of euphoric happiness.

I miss liking someone with carefree innocence. The leaping feeling in my chest, hanging onto their words, looking forward to talking to them, and just feeling like I was in the clouds when I thought of all the things that made them up as a person. It was my heart racing, simply with anticipation, not clouded with any form of terror, and not wondering when it’ll end, when that pocket of beautiful prelude would shatter: when complexities weren’t part of the rulebook.

I no longer have that, and that sad reality is making me feel pretentious and too forlornly poetic to put any thought into solving it.

Since the end of my relationship with S, god, almost three months ago, it feels like I’ve been unable to “like” someone properly. Laurel (a girl who sits next to me in French) is just a passing thing, someone I respect and admire, a fleeting feeling of steadiness mixed with something new, but I can’t see it amounting to anything. I don’t really want it to, because “liking” somebody would be much too damaging for my own mental health.

My self-worth is still abismally low, underlined by the fact that I’ve been feeling awful recently. The whole relationship debacle just increased that to such a point that I can’t, at the moment, get over it and so I can’t have feelings for anybody. It hurts too much, the thought of letting my thoughts run away and tying themselves to someone – “liking” someone isn’t a calculated thing; it just happens, but letting it happen now would pretty much destroy me in the least dramatic way.

I know all this, and I also know that falling in love, having someone’s hand to hold or sharing myself with someone will happen eventually, but not now. I do miss it, though.

I’m not jealous of my friends. I’m more wishing for a feeling that’ right now, is out of reach and that’s alright. It’s not their feelings or relationship that hurts – it’s the fact that I’m incapable of having that. For now.

If you feel jealous of someone, analyse that jealousy. Don’t dismiss yourself as awful, but most times, there’s a lot more to simple jealousy than you’d think. You’re not a bad person for wanting something, but don’t let it consume you, and always remember: you’ll be alright one day. You aren’t alone. Take a step forward, and feel what feelings you want to feel.

From Elm 🙂

Heartbreak in The City of Love

(I wrote this late last night)

Over the last two weeks, I’ve cried more than I have over the last two months. That makes me sad, except the knowledge that for most of these crying episodes, I was around people that could help me. I’m proud of myself for that.

When you’ve been cheated on, no matter if you don’t blame the person, no matter how happy you are for them – it still feels like you’re getting repeatedly smashed in the heart by a broken do-not-disturb sign, which obviously failed at keeping uou the shitty emotions. Perhaps I should be grateful for it, because if I’d have blocked it out like I did my last heartbreak, I know it would have been ten times worse.

In case you didn’t know, I went to Paris in the half term – read this post for more details. Although there were many good times, there were also some horrendous times, and I’m going to explain them to you because it wasn’t all laughter and happiness, at all.

I made a promise to S, when we spoke before Paris, that if I felt miserable I’d find someone. Whether that be him, someone like L or Violet, or even a staff member – just that I’d find someone so that I wasn’t alone. He knows how I get, that sometimes I’ll shut away and not talk because I don’t want to be a drain on anyone. For the most part, I kept that promise, remembering it when my heart hurt so badly that I wanted to break all of my fingers.

I cannot describe to you just how much emotional pain I was in when I saw – heard – them together. Though I was expecting it, preparing myself for it, nothing can prepare you for the sting, the gut-wrenching fear when you realise it’s entirely over. I felt second, terrible, because they spoke with such ease and laughed and I asked myself, “Could you EVER be like that? Could you speak like that, no, because you’re not funny and you’re just trying too hard.” And I dealt with it, until I literally couldn’t.

Crying on people makes me feel bad for them, even though I find it easier to get the tears out. I’ve always had a problem with putting myself first, because I’m just not able to do anything without asking how the other person feels, if THEY are okay, and apologising. Constantly. I said sorry when I lost my cane and cried on S, and for all the other times. I said sorry – or thought it over and over – whenever I accidentally made a pointed/despairing remark.

He has been so lovely, like you wouldn’t imagine. Because he knows me so well, he can predict how I’ll be, how much of a wreck I am. He didn’t make me feel stupid for crying, and oh for fuck’s sake here come the tears again. When I remember we’ve broken up, that nothing can be the same like THAT again, tears come spilling out of my eyes like they’re waterfalls; I know he’ll always be there for me in a friend capacity but god I just can’t.

On the first night, I cried a little on Violet, when we stayed in the first hotel. She was my constant support through all of it, and when we were actually IN Paris, we were in the boys’ room. She went out, I followed a few minutes later, and she found me. After that, I cried so much that my eyes hurt, and I told her exactly how broken I feel, my voice echoing too loud in the corridor. It had got too much, with the constant reminders, me feeling trapped and lonely and SO damn awful because I’ve been replaced, utterly, and what can I do?

That Thursday was when we went to the Eiffel Tower. Over 100 metres up, on the second floor, we stopped. S and Pansy were on the section below, I stared down at the nothingness I could see and let one tear fall. I knew that they would be having a good time, that it would be special for them because it’s Paris and it’s romantic, and all I could think about was the world away from that which I felt: I whispered to Violet, “It’s funny that Paris is the city of love, and yet my heart’s completely broken.” Others went as they came up, going to the other side of the tower – not on purpose – and that was when I sobbed my eyes out on the bloody Eiffel Tower.

That was also when John, a volunteer, found me. My tears were falling over the edge, in an oddly poetic way, and I could feel my heart bruising and shattering all over again: when I think about it, it makes me feel cold. Just remembering me standing, whispering “Mon cœur est brisée” and emitting these broken-sounding gasps that I didn’t know I could produce. They, I was pretty sure, would remember that day as something so happy, for them, when I would remember it as the day where I felt the most separated from anything. John came up to me and I told him something of what I was feeling – the obvious, that you could see in how they close they were, and the expression on my face. Nothing he couldn’t work out on his own, if he tried, and I cried whilst leaning on his shoulder and non-staring out at the air because that was all I could do. He walked with me in the tower, talking, telling me that one day I’d be okay even if that day wasn’t today.

I think that the worst crying episode I had, not counting one of the ones with S, was with Violet, her boyfriend and L. It properly hit me then what had happened, gripping L’s hand so hard I thought I’d break it, as I whispered “I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been CHEATED ON, fuck it hurts.” Because it did, and does, and sometimes I want to scream from it. I couldn’t get many words out through my tears, as I told them how empty I felt.

When it boils down to it, I’m not okay. Today, it kept on sinking in: that they’d be at school together and I wouldn’t be, that I was there helpless. I can do NOTHING. You can’t help someone’s feelings, and if they’re happy then I’m going to be happy: they deserve it. I don’t know how long it’ll take, and I’m half-crying again because I just want the pain to fucking STOP. I hate feeling like this, like my heart’s folding in on itself, like my throat’s choking me, and it makes it worse because all I want is for people to smile with each other.

I spoke to Pansy a lot. Though we don’t see each other often, I view her as a close friend, because she’s never been awful to me and she’s such a good person. The second night, we stayed up until 1:30 and talked. The next night, we stayed up until 3: I told her about Ash and remembered just why I value her. Originally, I wasn’t going to speak to her because I was much too scared, but by the second day I knew I needed to – for both her and my sake. She may not understand my pain, but she tried and that’s all that matters.

Then again, I don’t think anybody can truly understand anyone else’s pain. At the moment, the following has built up into a howling crescendo, so that in my last lesson today I felt weak and so sad that I wanted to freeze.

• I feel like I’m not good enough
• That I was NEVER good enough
• I can’t think about anyone else without wanting to disappear
• I’m asking myself why, just WHY
• You never know you’re capable of doing something until you do it, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing
• This may not be a definitive END but it’s the end of one thing and the start of another, for him
• People keep saying things that are seriously toxic to me
• I can’t forget my feelings for him
• His feelings for me are fading, and those for her are growing and I’m so glad of that, because right now he doesn’t need confusion
• He DID like me but it’s all ended now and I have to deal with it
• I’m crying again, little tears

I have strong feelings for him and that kills me. I feel as if I’m breaking, one brick at a time, and that I’m going to be left in the dust, scrabbling like a needy fuck. I don’t want to be the clingy one, but I don’t want to lose him either. I don’t want to lose him like I did Ash, where I couldn’t do anything, but where I STILL blamed myself. I can’t keep going back, but it’s not going back. He’s one of my best friends and yes, he’ll always be in the back of my mind in that capacity, but I hope it can fade. At some point. I’m not kidding myself – it won’t be quick at all – but that’s alright.

There’s too much, too many unresolved tears and feelings. I’m scared people will get sick of me, of my constant not-okay-ness, when how the fuck am I supposed to get up from this now? I’m expected to jump up, smile, tell the world I’m good in a moment but I’m not in the slightest and I can’t pretend. My work ethic has gone down the drain and I can’t exactly tell my teachers, “Sorry Miss, I’m recently single, I felt too shit to do my homework!” because that is such a bad “excuse” and they don’t care anyway.

All my fears are swarming me here, late at night, in the dark where I’m hunched over as if I’m in physical pain. It feels like I am, sometimes, the coldness of rejection and heartbreak and loneliness leaving me breathless. Where am I supposed to go? Why does it hurt THIS badly and what am I doing?

Yeah, I’ll be okay. Bright now, I’m so incredibly scared of letting go, that my tears are falling faster and it’s good that I can’t see because I wouldn’t be able to read because of it. I’ll be alright, but they are and will be before me with each other and fuuuuuck why was it me that this had to happen too?

I wish it could have lasted longer. I wish I was happier for longer, that I didn’t feel guilty for crying. He respects me though, and I respect him because he has ALWAYS told me the truth, and been the amazing boyfriend and then friend that I knew he would be.

I think I’m going to get some sleep. Paris made me feel equal parts happy and sad, and today is reserved for sadness. That’s okay.

From Elm 🙂

People Will Actually Think I can Speak French

BONJOUR!

That’s not the only word je peux parler en Fran¢ais, and because of that, I’ve been told I can LITERALLY speak French. Um, there’s a slight problem with that… Whenever I try to speak, I can’t string sentences together.

Tomorrow, I’m travelling to Paris with a bunch of other blind people, including the fabulous L, S (my ex-boyfriend), Violet (another great friend of mine) and girl who S now likes. We’ll be back on Friday, but I doubt I’ll be able to post much in that time, because I’ll be busy wandering the streets of Paris, trying to laugh, and most likely singing High School Musical songs at the top of my lungs with L. It’s happened every time we’ve seen each other before, and has turned into a kind of tradition.

Last time I went to Paris was about ten years ago, and so I don’t remember it much. However, I have beautiful memories of France in general – having the best time of my life with Robin, lying by the pool, feeling like a teenager. I’m hoping that in Paris this time, I’ll get that same experience, because I really really need it now.

If you read my post on Saturday you’ll know that I’m not exactly the happiest person at the moment. That still applies, and though having S here has helped, I’m still really not 100 percent. We’ve talked everything out, I’ve cried about 20 buckets of water and we’ve been entirely honest with each other, but again, the feelings of sadness still remain. They won’t be going away for a while, and especially because I’ll have to see those two together, in Paris it’ll be amplified.

However, that’s why I’m going to try and enjoy myself. With the help of L and Violet, S Club 7 songs and more honesty with S, I should be able to get through it. I’m hopefully not going to be crying too much, and if I do, I’ve agreed to find someone so I don’t have to do it alone. That’s the advantage of having someone you can truly talk things over with around you, and I appreciate it more than I can say. I’ve always found it difficult to put myself first, in any situation, but I suppose that now’s the time to try.

My mind’s a bit of a blur, to be honest. I’ll go from being slightly okay to being so not okay that I feel blank inside, eyes staring into nothing. When I get back from Paris, I’ll definitely write a post explaining how I’m feeling: the good, the bad and the confused; there will most likely be a lot of that.

Je te parlerai le Samedi – YES I know that’s most likely incorrect; I can’t bloody speak French! If people make me try and speak, my voice will sound about three octaves higher and four times faster as I try and garble out words that don’t even make sense. Uuugh, how am I supposed to do this?

I haven’t been able to read your posts recently either; things have been hectic, both literally and in my mind. How have you been? If you’re going anywhere this half term or this holiday, then let me know.

Seeing certain people will be tricky, but I’m looking forward to Paris. It’ll give me a chance to get away, and to start to heal a little from how bad I feel. This could either set me back or push me forward, and I’m hoping – I’m trying – for it to be the latter.

From Elm 🙂

Something I Want to Tell You

I swear, as of late, my blog’s become a place for terrifyingly deep posts, or for announcing shit that’s been happening with no prior warning. Of course, as you can tell by the VERY ambiguous title, it’s the latter.

Long story short, I have a boyfriend. I never said I’d ease you into the “revelation”!

So. A lot’s been happening over the last… Three months. Pretty much all of it, I couldn’t talk about on my blog because:
The people in question read it
Some of them didn’t know and I couldn’t deal with them knowing just then
I felt so horrific, emotion-wise, that even if I could write about it I wouldn’t know how

Even now, I can’t be entirely honest. Stuff is still happening, which is making me feel god-awful but there’s nothing I can do. This will be a short post, well, to announce this very mysterious thing that you’re not curious about.

Back to the point of this: Elm has a boyfriend. I think I’ve done two of these announcement posts before? This one’s a little different.

Some of you know, but to most of you, this will be a massive surprise. There’s a good reason as to why I haven’t been talking about the specifics of my love life, but if you read some of my more recent posts, you might be able to pick up on some barely-there references. I mean, even I can’t pick them up much, but I’ve found out that people can read me better than I can.

Err soooo, the boyfriend… How do I explain this without totally confusing myself and you?

Last summer, so back in the days when I was naive Elm, I wrote about a guy called S. It’s annoying because I can’t think of a tree name for him and at the time, I was so panicked that I picked a LETTER. UGH. You can find the post here and I suggest you do, to get some context.

As you read, he was my first kiss. Then, I fucked it all up by bailing on him in the October half term of that year, and then we didn’t really speak for 3 months. I learned a huge lesson then, and that was that I was VERY much capable of getting scared and throwing something great away. After January, we sort of spoke; it wasn’t that I was upset with him or he was with me, but so much other stuff was happening.

Here’s where it gets blurry, into the section that I can’t talk about much. If I didn’t WANT to tell you, I wouldn’t have mentioned that I can’t talk about it, but I’m dealing with not just my emotions here. After the breakup with Rapunzel, complicated shit started happening. Again, because of privacy and because I find it kind of horrible to dwell on it, I can’t talk about it so much. All I’ll say is a screwed up “love triangle” occurred and I felt so guilty that at times I couldn’t think.

The “official” relationship started about a week and a half ago. It’s actually been going on for a while, but I’ve been much too scared to admit that I wanted a relationship until now. You know me – I question my feelings all the time, and get afraid that I’ll screw things up. What happened in terms of it would be something I’d be describing if I COULD, and maybe one day I will.

He makes me very happy. We’ve known each other for, technically, 6 years and though he wasn’t around for some of the massive things in my life, he saw me before AND after the changes in my personality and still put up with me. Even when I was a dick to him (he said I wasn’t but shhh), he stuck by me. It WILL seem out of the blue, but I needed to tell you because I trust you all.

It’s funny, because he understands me so much. Sometimes I don’t even need to finish my sentence, because he knows what I mean anyway. The relationship’s long-distance, but I’m okay with that; we’re not the type of people to suddenly lose interest because I trust him enough for him or I NOT to do something stupid. I’m able to laugh around him and be serious and yes, he gets frustrated with me sometimes but so do I.

This is the thing. I’ve been wanting to tell you guys for so long, to update you on EVERYTHING but I still can’t. I needed to tell a few people first, because this is a blog that goes out to the Internet and though I wanted you to be the first to know, it didn’t turn out that way.

Relationships won’t ever be 100 percent perfect. I’ll have my crying moments, my feeling shit moments, but I’ll also have times where I feel so incredibly happy. My sister asked me if I actually liked the people I had relationships with, which is the first time I’ve ever been properly offended in a while. Because though it could be argued that I have had a fair few “relationships”, they’ve all got me to where I am right now. That right now isn’t perfect, but it’s here and I’m willing to make it shitloads better.

All in all, I’m happy. I’m in a relationship and I’m happy because of that; I don’t hate myself for it or think I’m rushing, because it took me a long time to realise I wanted one and to finally put a part of my happiness first.

Thank you for ALWAYS sticking by me through everything that’s happened. In having this blog, I’ve got more confident as my love life’s expanded and gone a little haywire at times. This post may seem a bit bland, laying out the facts with little emotion, but I don’t know how else to put it.

If you do want the full story of what’s been happening, you can email me or click on my contact page. I’ll tell you, if you’re willing to read long paragraphs about my life.

I wish I could post everything, but sometimes I can’t. Balancing who reads this blog from real life and me letting out my emotions can sometimes be very difficult, and now’s one of those times.

I want you to remember something. Always, no matter what, look at things from someone else’s perspective. Don’t jump to conclusions, or treat someone as the villain outright, because the likelihood is that you don’t know the full story. You can’t know how a person thinks, and you can’t get inside their brain to feel all their emotions – so, before you tell yourself they’ve done something, think about how they feel about it.

I’m ready to deal with everything, and I know you’ll see me through it.

From Elm 🙂

Why I’m Going to Start Talking about My Love Life Again

This post contains some updates on my so-called love life, with some weird kind of thought rambling before it.

Remember the so-called “old days” of Elm, where I’d talk about my various “crushes”, problems I was experiencing, and general screaming embarrassment? That’s going to start again – unofficially, because I never REALLY stopped. Nothing’s happened; I just decided that next time something does (haaaaahaaaa), I won’t shy away from posting about it.

Why, you might ask? And if you haven’t, I don’t blame you. Well first of all, I miss talking to you guys about it. I remember in the summer, with everything to do with Cassia, and Palm and ALL the other things. Before that: Birch, Ash, Cedar. I felt happy that I could yell about what was going on without fear of getting picked on, or without fear of people reading it who would tell anyone.

My post yesterday, for all its negativity, made me think seriously. In my last two relationships, with Aspen (NOT THE BLOGGER) and Rapunzel, they both knew about my blog. Rapunzel before we went out, of I showed Aspen after.

As much as I respect both of them to the highest degree, showing them my blog meant I couldn’t write about them. When I went out with them, I doubt I would have even if I HADN’T shown them, but afterwards I needed a place to rant and (about Aspen) shout about what a terrible person I thought I was and (with Rapunzel) have an outlet for all the confusion I felt. Right now, I’m okay; I didn’t have that then though and it felt like something was missing.

Now I look back on it, I think they would have been okay with me posting about what was happening. Well, not CERTAIN situations, but my general feelings. Saying that, I felt and occasionally still feel trapped and like I shouldn’t speak about things even now. Not that bad things have happened, but ehh.

In a nutshell, Rapunzel and I have agreed to move on. So much has happened after we broke up, which made us both feel shit. I didn’t tell any of it to you because of privacy issues and I just felt too bad to talk about it properly, anyway; it’s all sorted now, luckily. Because of that, we said we can’t keep doing this to each other. So that means that we both said it’s okay for us to get with other people, and though I feel horrendously guilty about it, it’s alright. I haven’t yet, but at some point I will, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

I feel much more free to post about things now. After we had a long conversation, which involved me getting way too overly emotional, I realised that sometimes you get the right person at the right time. Then, that right time turns into a tiny bit of a wrong time, and it keeps on growing until something HAS to be done. Yeah, it still hurts and I’m not over it and won’t be for a while, but we’re both trying. Anything might happen, but for now, I’ll just live my life. She’s still the “right” person, but it’s entirely the wrong time and sometimes people just don’t work, no matter how right they are for each other. That’s okay.

That’s why I want, and NEED, to post about happenings with me in the future. I’ve also decided not to tell anyone really about my blog until I really, really trust them – specifically those I might get into a relationship with, because I NEED an outlet to talk about it.

I don’t like going behind people’s backs. In fact, I find it terrible and I’ll think I’m a bad person. Sometimes, though, it has to be done, as I WILL need advice from time to time. It’s only natural, and for my piece of mind and happiness, I want to do this. To talk about a cute conversation I had, or happiness I felt. To get confused over people without having to censor my words.

It’s MY blog, and it’s ME. I’ll write it for me, and for people reading it; not to impress, but just to talk about my life. It’s bloody therapeutic as well.

I’m quite excited for this summer. It may seem throwaway and a bit bad, but I kind of want to get out there and do things. Kiss people. Be FREE. I can, after all; nothing’s stopping me but the thought that I might be taking things too fast. When will I get the next chance, though? This summer is stress free and I’m glad of that.

Also, who DOESN’T love and cringe about an embarrassing story from me?

Has anthing interesting happened to you guys lately? What do you think about me posting about all this?

From Elm 🙂

Happiness without a Catch

I won’t do the whole, “I’m scared you’ll judge me for this,” because I know you won’t because you’re you.

As you guys know, I went to blind camp on Wednesday and got back yesterday, and it was honestly amazing. I said I’d be nervous to see Hazel, but really, it wasn’t JUST her that I was truly nervous, happy and all those lovely emotions, to see. I’ll call the girl Rapunzel, because it’s an inside joke between us.

She and I have been internet friends since September – I originally knew her through a friend, but then we became friends (on the 27th of September to be exact) and went from horrifically formal to “OMG YASSSS ASDFGHJKL” in the span of about 3 messages. There was a time in about December where we didn’t speak much (sad times) but then we’ve been talking for the last 2 months. She helped me so much with the Aspen situation, when I felt confused and upset at the end of the relationship. And YES – before you say it – I got feelings for her.

I’m sorry for not telling you all before, but I couldn’t say how I felt until now, because she reads. this. Also, if you’re from real life and don’t know about this, I’m sorry. Consider this me telling you, because I trust everyone who reads this.

We met on Wednesday for the first time, and we hugged so hard and were shaking like mad. (I swear, whenever I experience high emotion, I shake like a leaf). Also, she’s SO BLOODY TALL. It turns out we were sharing a room with Hazel, and seeing both of them was amazing. Hazel’s still the same, and lovely as ever, but there were no romantic feelings towards her. Everyone there was so nice; I didn’t dislike anyone like I usually do.

On the first night, we got 5 hours of sleep – on the second, we got 7 (Hazel went to sleep first and then Rapunzel and I stayed up for 2 hours) and on the third, we got 3 accidental hours of sleep. YES IT’s A THING SHH. On the third night, there were 6 girls in our room and we all chatted and laughed, and once they left, the three of us stayed up until 2, talking about life and love and everything in between.

I had a suspicion (HAHAHAHAHA) that Rapunzel had feelings for me, because when we talked on facetime before the camp, she spoke about a mysterious girl who she thought, and wanted, something to happen with. She was pretty damn sure something would happen, because I’m literally the most obvious person when it comes to having feelings for someone. I was still nervous, though, as I always am.

It was on that first night that we kissed, at 3 o’clock in the morning. I couldn’t sleep, switched my phone on and she heard, and came over to me. We lay there for ages, foreheads touching, and we eventually kissed (no idea how it happened but I’m so glad).

The next day, we spoke so much (when we went bowling, between lessons, whenever we could) about everything. On the second night, when Hazel was asleep, we talked about us (in between laughing at some truly strange sounds coming from the bathroom next to our room). I asked, so awkwardly that it makes me cringe, “So, um, would you like to be my, er, girlfriend?” I had felt miserable earlier, because it was Ash’s birthday, and she had held me. I honest to god nearly cried, both from the sadness and that she was there and telling me it would be okay, that I would be okay.

One thing is that I never want to rush into things. The amount of times I said, “Is this okay? Are you SURE? Seriously, tell me if it isn’t,” were legendary. I didn’t hate myself or feel fear, or confusion, and I NEVER questioned if I deserved it or if I should just stop because I was an awful person. I felt, and feel, SO happy. Doing maths revision for 3 hours today made me feel so positive, and I didn’t panic at all.

We both know that it’s going. to be difficult because of the distance – she lives 4-5 hours away from me – but like she said, “If we both put in the same effort, it’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” I know that I can be honest with her, and I’m not nervous of saying things in real life .

Having simple happiness can make your day. I want to tell you – it’s OKAY to live in the moment, to seize it, and to do things that make you happy. Sometimes it’s good to not think about the future, but know for now that you’re happy. In every situation, there’s something that you learn about yourself, but also a piece of advice that I like to tell you.

I just want to see where this goes. There will be high times, and low times, and that’s okay. Just know that whatever happens, I’m still going to be. here. YOU can go out there and do something incredible, and don’t be scared of doing something you previously thought had no hope.

For now, I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I really think I can do this – relationships, exams, revising, smiling, laughing.

I hope you’ve had an amazing day, and week. You deserve it so much.

From Elm 🙂

Just To let You Know

This is just a quick note to say I broke up with Aspen.

Before you say anything, he’s done NOTHING to hurt me and I’m not angry with him. He’s a fantastic guy and I respect him loads, and so I’d rather not talk about this because I won’t expose his privacy.

Thanks everyone.

From Elm 🙂

Guest Post – Look Back and Say Sorry

Learn more about Day from Night Vs Day at the blog:

Night Vs Day Blog 

Hello, I am Day from a blog called Night Vs Day. Thank you Elm for allowing me to have the privilege of posting here. 

I was trying to think what might be the most interesting thing I could put together and share on here today. Could I make up some imaginary story and put together something that grabs the readers attention, could I tell the tales of something exciting? Or, I could share my feelings about something that has just happened… What that is, is a breakup. I was slowly falling for a girl, who to me, was beautiful, amazing and so unique. She was funny and smart. I loved that she could be so mature and thoughtful when she needed to be, but at the same time she could be an utter teenager and play games like Minecraft with me, and be an utter nerd. We broke up, because we had a large mis communication over something. And the way that we handled it and the things we said to each other, were too far to handle. 

What do I think about what happened? Well, I wish it was handled differently. I don’t wish it didn’t happen but I wish the result was different and I wish I said things differently. Do I think she was wrong or I was wrong? I think, both. I definitely feel I said things I shouldn’t have said. I think she also did, but I wish I reacted differently and wished we were better at fixing it. I think fights in relationships are important. You should be able to not just give up, because they prepare you for if you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. 

All of these the random thoughts of a teenage writer…

– Day, from Night Vs Day.