What’s Really Been Going On

I’ve not been entirely honest with you.

Though I’ve never outright lied, so much about the truth of what’s been happening and how I’ve felt about it I’ve not told you, simply because it’s either too confusing or I can’t deal with it. But now, when I feel like I’m falling to pieces, I’m going to explain exactly what’s been happening over the past three weeks. Why I’m now single, why I respect my (ex) boyfriend, but why I feel the worst I think I’ve ever felt.

S – my ex-boyfriend now (it hurts to say that so I’ll be referring to him as S) – goes to a boarding school about three hours away from me. This is his first year there, and it’s small, so there aren’t many people in his year. One of the people there is someone I posted about here. She’s a girl I’ve known for 6 years, and though we haven’t talked much recently, in the past we shared a lot of stuff and she was, and is, someone I think is kind and a wonderful person.

S and this girl are very close friends, and had been ever since he started in that school. I was constantly paranoid that the you would get together, because I’m me, but S and I talked every day and so that paranoia faded, because I know he’d never INTENTIONALLY hurt me. This girl and S talked a lot, and I’m presuming that the girl told S about her insecurities (which I’m presuming are similar to mine) and I hope she did, because he’s a trustworthy person. I became a bit more clingy, which I’m really annoyed at myself for, but in the days of uncertainty where I didn’t know what would happen, it’s my natural reaction to do that. I should really do something about that.

About two weeks ago, they went on a trip to do a really cool sport. On the way back, she told him that she liked him and had ever since he’t started. That night, he told me – he’s always made a point of doing so, even when he knew it would make me feel terrible. I wasn’t HAPPY, but I can very much understand why she likes him.

He was terrified that he’d do something stupid, that she’d kiss him and he’d respond. I told him that it was a human reaction, that it was okay, because if he DID grow feelings for her then he couldn’t help it. They are around each other all the time and so it would be better that he not hurt her, and if feelings did develop, then he should go out there and get happiness. I’m trying not to let my emotions warp my words. When he was confused about the two of us, I thought it was logical conclusion for him to choose her, partly because I thought and think that I’m ALWAYS the worst option but also because it would be easier for him.

Two days later, he told me that he had feelings for her. Actually, it was more like me asking him if he did because I knew he wasn’t okay, and then him confirming it. I broke a little then, just a little, and whenever I cry at him I feel bad for it because he doesn’t EVER deserve to feel guilty. I knew he felt terrible, confused, sad – all of the emotions I’ve experienced before.

On Wednesday, they kissed. They were saying goodbye, because she was going to something – not sure what – and in the moment, they kissed, and it was about the emotion and I’m sure it made them feel happy and great. I’m genuinely glad if it did because I truly, truly understand that sentiment.

The one person who has truly helped me through this is Rapunzel, my ex-girlfriend, even though both S and I put her through shit. My respect for her has skyrocketed, because through it all, she’s been there to talk to me and listen to me. She let onto me that something had happened, not actually telling me that it had, but I guessed and she couldn’t deny it when she said she’d spoken to him for two hours. It had been on my mind for the past week, and so it was no wonder that my mind immediately jumped to that conclusion.

It was then that I broke completely. He told me later that night, everything that had happened, and how bad he felt. But with Rapunzel, before I had spoken to him, I shattered. I have never cried that hard, walked around my room and felt everything falling, talking about morbid things with horrifying ease and causing my mind to twist until I could get it back to its regular shape.

I told her that I just wanted to die. I wanted it all to stop, and I knew it would pass but at that moment, I wanted to die. Afterwards, when the raw pain had faded a little, she said I had such desperation and hopelessness in my voice and I realise now that it was true. Both when she and he were talking to me, at one point I was on the floor, but I didn’t let him see me at that low point because he doesn’t deserve to, as it would make him feel worse. He feels guilty enough as it is, and I don’t think he should – is that messed up?

I still respect S a lot, because through it all, he’s told me the truth. He hasn’t bullshitted, or lied, and he’s quite frankly said how he feels.

I’m going to make a list of what I think about the situation, because it’ll help me cope.

• I want everyone to be happy
• Both him and the girl deserve to smile because they’ve been through a lot, and if that’s with each other, then it’s good for them
• I don’t exactly care about my happiness when those two are happy, because I knew someone would get hurt in this situation
• It’s better that I did than her, because I wouldn’t have to see him every day
• I’m used to not feeling great, and so I didn’t want her to feel like this. It’s fucking awful. I don’t mean to sound so desolate.
• She’s such a lovely person and I don’t blame her at all, because she was just getting something she wanted
• I don’t blame him for the same reason – they’re human, and she’s someone who’s unbelievably talented and is all around a good person

However, my emotions are so painful at the moment that I can’t do anything. I’m half-crying, when I didn’t want to, tears sliding down my face. And so, despite all of my acceptance of this, because how could I not accept it – I feel so miserable. So awful.

I’m seeing him tomorrow. He’s coming round to mine, because we’re going to Paris in the half term with a bunch of other VI people. He’s still my friend – he thought I’d never want to see him again because of how he (indirectly) hurt me – but he couldn’t be more wrong. No matter what he did, I know that he never did it vindictively.

The only catch? She’ll be there. I’ll have to be around them when they’re together and FUCK, I’m honest to god crying now, because I can’t deal with it. I’m going to be feeling like this for so long and I hate it. If I don’t sob all the time, I’ll be surprised, but I can’t let her see me like that. She shouldn’t know how much pain I’m in because I just want her to be happy and to NOT have that clouded with my sadness; it wouldn’t be fair.

To be honest, I’m sick of everything going to shit. In the last year, it seems as if I’ve had 2-3 months of being happy in a relationship, before something starts to go wrong. When I was with S the first time, I messed that up. Three months after being with Aspen, I realised I didn’t have feelings for him, and that made me feel so guilty that I couldn’t cope. Rapunzel broke up with me after two months and then SO much shit kicked off (not her fault) and now, this.

I can’t give myself a break. This, coupled with everything that’s been happening in the last few months, has all piled up to make my heart smash. How am I supposed to be strong, when I feel so weak? How am I supposed to be okay when nothing I feel is alright and I just want to disappear?

I feel like I’ve been replaced. That even though it’s no one’s fault, I’m just not good enough, and the reality of that is burning me. Why can’t things be okay? Why do my eyes have to leak tears like they’re broken; WHY do I have to feel numb inside one second, hollow the next and so sad that I can’t breathe the next? It’s like the optimism has been scraped out of me, the gold and bronze replaced with a grey, metallic blur.

No one deserves to see this side of me, when I feel like giving up. My incoherent thoughts, scattered like leaves in Autumn, until I’m so tired and so upset and so awful. I want it to stop. Am I overreacting?

My heart hurts. It feels like there’s a hole in my chest, dark and bitter and scary, and it’s frazed and ragged around the edges like an open wound. I feel pathetic, because what if I can’t get my act together? In school, I’ve been acting like I’m fine, failing in certain lessons where I find it difficult to get motivation to do work. If this continues after the half term, I’ll do terribly on my mocks, and it’ll affect all of my learning.

Speaking to S has helped, a little. After telling him that I wouldn’t post about this to protect his privacy, he asked if I wanted to, to which I replied “Maybe, but I won’t because I don’t want people to get the wrong impression of you.” He then Encouraged me to post about it, to get my emotions out, which I really appreciate. Before anything, he has been my friend, and I won’t throw that away even when my sadness feels like it’s bleeding.

My friends have been supportive, too, helping me out. They understand when I say that I am miserable, that nothing they can do will help me much, except being here and cheering me up. I need it, and I need to be able to deal with this and want to die sometimes. I haven’t harmed myself, except for nails digging into my palms when I feel as if I’m about to break, and not sleeping much, but I can prevent that. I’m sorry if that triggered anyone.

It hits me, at certain points in the day. Realising that it’s over, knowing that she’ll be his first for things I haven’t been, feeling empty inside because I’m so done with getting hurt and so done with feeling and trying all the time, when relationships shouldn’t be ABOUT constantly trying. Over and over again, the only difference now being that I can’t blame myself, and that kills.

They will be happy, but I won’t. They’ll live, and I’ll live, but I just dinn’t know how much. I want to be okay, but realistically I don’t see that happening any time soon, but it will in the future. As I said earlier, I feel the worst I’ve felt – worse than Ash, worse than when my sister was going through hell, because at the time I didn’t understand. Everything’s built up and I am sick of wishing for something and having it ripped away, no matter how selfish and attention-seeking it is.

Hello Elm, you got cheated on. Your relationship is over, and it will never go back to how it was before. Stop hoping, stop trying to hope, and STOP distracting yourself to try and make yourself feel more human. One day, you’ll be okay but for now you’re not and you just have to find ways to be. Oh, and your heart’s broken again.

Oh God.

The thought of getting with other people literally makes me feel sick. People saying that I’ll find someone else doesn’t help, at the moment, because I just don’t care. To some people it may be comforting, but for me it just reminds me of how unconfident and lonely I feel, and how everything feels as if it’s entirely destroyed and screaming around inside my head.

When I go to Paris, I’ll worry about my mental state. I’ll be nice to the girl, because she doesn’t deserve me being awful to her, as she’s human and I don’t know if I wouldn’t have done the same in her situation. I think I’ll feel worse than I do now, but that’s okay because it’s better than shutting it out. If it gets particularly and consistently bad, I WILL go and see someone, I promise.

I’ll update you on anything that happens. I’m not angry; I’m just upset and I feel like nothing will be okay, even though it will be. I just needed to get this out before I start to mend.

From Elm 🙂

The Idea of Falling in Love Scares Me

The first person I fell in love with broke my heart.

In a different way, the second person I fell in love with also broke my heart. I’m not sure which was worse.

Even though it wasn’t exactly their fault (I’m still convincing myself it’s not mine), is it any wonder that now, the thought of falling in love terrifies me slightly? I’m not saying that my experiences were terrible, but they did leave a mark that’s now made me, unconsciously, try and guard myself against it again.

Love finds you in the most unexpected ways, and you often can’t stop it or prevent it. I know that, and next time I DO fall in love, I’ll be very happy and temporarily forget the pain I often associate with the emotion.

That’s the thing, though. I don’t think I CAN forget, and that’s why I’m scared of it. The simple, solid truth is that I’m nervous of getting hurt again. As with falling in love, you can’t stop yourself from getting hurt, but in the times before it’s hurt so much that I’ve sobbed on the floor.

I don’t want to hurt anyone else, either. In the last three months, I’ve sometimes felt the lowest since Ash and though it’s getting better, I still have moments where I think of the love I lost and feel cold inside. I mutter to myself that it’s alright, that I’ll be okay, but then the fear kicks in again.

Letting someone hold that emotion, from you, is petrifying. Trusting them is even more difficult, because I feel like – perhaps irrationally – people would just hurt me anyway, based on the two experiences I had before when I loved people. Is it stupid and not based on actual fact? Yes, but that doesn’t matter. It’s how I feel, and my feelings ARE valid.

Giving so much emotion to another person is the main thing that makes me wary. I hate feeling so drained, when I feel like I’ve given so much to a person – a little piece of my heart – and then have that shredded. God, I wish I wasn’t so paranoid. All I want to do is to be able to look at love and feel the solid assurance in my chest that I USED to feel, to be happy at the prospect of it and not nervous. Because of this weird fear I have, because of the way I’ve built up love to be this HUGE thing in my head, I can’t.

I’ve been known to rush into saying ‘I love you’ to people I get into relationships with, either because I’m scared and I don’t know how I feel so I try to set it in stone too fast, or I do know how I feel that early on. In either scenario, saying it and meaning it makes me shake; I can’t fake love but I ALWAYS get nervous it’s not really how I feel, or I do feel it but I don’t know. I never know my emotions well enough to judge, and I’m worried I could potentially put a label on something that isn’t right, or not assign a label at all. You can’t define it with certain categories, and they say “You KNOW when you love someone” but do you? Will I EVER know someone so deeply that I can trust them completely to love me?

Next time I say those three words to someone, I’ll mean it. I’ll THINK about it. Last time, I did both and I was happy, so surely it would apply next time I fall in love. Don’t think about how it’ll go wrong, or how it will never last forever. I have no illusions of permanence at all.

Love has become a massive deal to me now. People know that; people understand that I can’t throw that emotion around but I’m scared I will. No longer do I associate it with happiness, but I want to remember that feeling rather than the terror. I just need more people to understand, to listen to me open up my heart on the subject of the walls around it.

One day, I’ll learn to love the idea of love. I’ll teach myself to smile at it, to have that overwhelming feeling in my chest and not want to cry about it. I’ll remember that not everyone has another motive, not everyone will abandon me, not EVERYONE will break my heart.

For now, I’ll carry on with what I’m doing. I’ll just wing it.

From Elm 🙂

Walls Around my Heart

When I was at the water park with Robin on Thursday, we talked about pretty much everything. She helped me to realise exactly what thoughts surrounded and stopped me from getting into a relationship: fear.

The fear was not something that I emphasised, when I explained everything to her, but as we talked it started to dawn on me. I think I need to share those fears with you, to clear my mind, and to explain a little of how I work. It may disgust me whilst doing so, but I’m keeping the self-hatred to a minimum.

To start off, the main fear I have is that people will react negatively. I know that realistically, I shouldn’t care because this is my life and screw whoever tries to sway my decisions to fit themselves, but I can’t help it. No matter who I “go out” with, someone is going to be pissed off, but I hate making people angry or upset. Yes, it’ll happen, but I just wish it didn’t have to. I want to be happy, without having to watch my words around certain people, and without getting upset because I think that they hate me. You know when you just worry, and get paranoid, because you know someone’s going to take things the wrong way? I just have to remember that I’m okay and that my good friends will understand, whoever I may end up with.

This sounds stupid, but I’m scared of the breakup. It’s inevitable: things don’t last forever, and you know my stance on things ending. That is to say, I don’t like it, but I’m getting there. Breakups are horrible, and though the last two I had weren’t nasty or anything, they still leave me dreading any more. I hate the crying, the sadness, the longing for something I can never have again. The loss, almost. Hating and being wary of that is natural, I suppose; they tell you to enjoy the good times and not think about when it will end, but how can I not? I don’t work like that.

Most days, I hate myself for this one, but Robin helped me to sort it out. I’m the type of person who is scared of being trapped. This is very difficult to articulate in writing, but I’m terrified that in a relationship, I’ll feel like I don’t have freedom. When I’m out of one, what I often do is think about “getting with” other people. I like the feeling of having that option, the ability to talk to someone random in the sun and know that there’s a faint, faint chance that it could develop. What if I crave that freedom in a relationship and act stupidly, or accidentally flirt with someone? It makes me angry, and even more angry that I can’t explain this in a way that doesn’t make me sound like some sort of awful girl. Horrible names whirl in my mind, and this is the one thing – right now – which causes me to ask myself why anyone would bother trying to get into a relationship with me if I act like this. UGH.

However, Robin really helped me to talk it out: I realise now that I crush or obsess very easily, but I’ve only had a few instances of serious feelings for people. Those are the ones that matter. I may contemplate what it would be like to lean closer to a person, but it doesn’t amount to anything. Like with james on Wednesday, I entertained the thought of “flirting” and I felt this strange anticipation because he lives so close to me. Remembering that not EVERYTHING or anyone is a possibility is important; I don’t have to always look for someone. Yes, kissing someone out of the blue may be spontaneous and lovely, but at the end of the day, it’s just fleeting. Though I will still have the fear in the relationship, if I like the person enough, I’ll feel more secure in myself to not be a bitch. ARGH I’m not making sense and I sound terrible!

I’m worried about taking that step to get into a relationship itself. It seems so final, like there’s no turning back. Perhaps I shouldn’t attach so much trepidation to something that is good, but the nerves I associate with it are partly attributed to me initiating a fair bit of things to do with relationships, either getting feelings first or kissing someone first, etc. Saying that, that’s a fucking lie in some situations. I’ve attached too much significance to the start of it, and I’m worried that that will cause me MORE worry. That getting into a relationship will incur a whole host of problems, of which I won’t be able to deal.

Insecurities are shitty, and I always have the one of not being good enough. Not replying, not making an effort to see the person, and then what if they lose interest? If I’m not what they expected, or if I just don’t cut it for girlfriend material, then I ask myself why they would stay with me. WOW, my thoughts are morbid! But seriously, seeming as I’m being honest, I’m scared that they’ll just end up not caring and then I’ll be left in the metaphorical dust.

Of course, there’s then the very real worry of ME losing interest. I anger myself a lot, because when I go out with someone (this has only happened once) I realise it wasn’t what I expected, and then call my feelings into question and figure that they’re nonexistent. So, like my previous fear, but in reverse so that the other person feels like shit. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

If I can get over those fears, I think I can truly be happy. It’s all about weighing up what I want, versus what other people want. In some situations, I can’t come first and I have to accept that. The above paragraphs may make it seem as if it’s hopeless, but I know that there’s still hope left.

Relationships are fucking terrifying. I’ve always been nervous of them, mainly because of me. All me. The what ifs spin round and round in my head, until my mind hits a roadblock and I wonder who I reY am.

Fears will always be present, but I have to minimise them in order to feel somewhat secure in myself. Yeah, so many things could go wrong, but what’s important is that now, I can be happy.

This may not mean much now, and the earth won’t shatter at my thoughts, but I think I’m ready to try. I’m ready to lift that block I’ve had in my mind on relationships, to consider it a possibility. My throat sometimes gets choked up at missed opportunities, and that will happen in the future too, but it’s okay.

My life can’t be ruled by fear. I will call myself some terrible things if I continue to want to live and revel in the freedom, but again, I should just live my life.

Thanks for always sticking with me. I know that I get confusing sometimes, but I hope you every understand a little more of me from this. What I think, and how I feel, mostly. After all, you can find out a lot of thought processes from my blog.

From Elm 🙂

Having the Confidence to “Get Out There”

Whenever I want to tell you guys of a situation, I always procrastinate. I tell myself that I can never find the right words to say, I get panicked, and before it’s too late I eventually find the guts to post what’s been happening. Remember all the other times I’ve opened up? Yeah, this is one of those times.

When you’re writing, they tell you to get straight to the point within the first two paragraphs. Though I want to expand before, I’ll just say it here, as expanding comes after. There is a girl, and I’ll call her Jasmine.

After my breakup with Rapunzel, I absolutely refused to think about other people. It made me feel sick, angry and upset, because I convinced myself that if I did, I was obviously a terrible person. It’s only been since a couple of weeks ago, and especially at Prom, that I’ve allowed myself to properly consider that I can and have moved on, in the relationship sense of things (the emotions are still a bit muddled and confused, but that’s alright).

As much as I would have liked to have given myself more time to “move on”, as it were, it just wasn’t possible. What with exams, situations that blew up after the relationship ended and so much confusion that I couldn’t think straight, I didn’t exactly give myself a choice. Perhaps that wasn’t the wisest decision, but it’s done now and I can’t beat myself up about it.

Jasmine and I have been talking for about the past three weeks. You know me, and you know that I hate rushing things but it ends up happening anyway. As with many of my other “things”, I met her on the Internet. Wa-fucking-heyza, I KNOW that you’re thinking “Oh my god, Elm, PLEASE stop!” I’m sorry. I’m actually being somewhat careful this time.

I think that Jasmine is fabulous (a word we use to describe each other on multiple occasions). Pretty much every day since two weeks ago, we’ve talked on the phone. I know a lot about her and she does of me, and the good thing is that I’ve spoken to her foster mum and so I know she’s not some 40-year-old pervert.

Oh. Well, about being careful? I’m meeting her tomorrow. As in she’s coming to my house. Er, let me explain?

I remember, shortly after we started speaking, saying something about practicing going on trains. I was freaking out a little, because as you know, my independence is really important to me. The thing that convinced me she wasn’t a bitch was that she said, “I can help you if you’d like?” She offered, without me even asking; just that simple act of kindness astounded me. Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it’s rare that someone would just offer to help a blind kid out and would go out of their way. Ever since then, we’d discussed meeting up. She lives about 30-40 minutes away from me (and used to go to a school near me when she lived with a different family).

First of all, I was going to go to her house. Before anything could actually be arranged, I made sure that I knew her more – her flaws, her crappy qualities, and that she knew mine. Three weeks? You can get to know somebody in that time; not perfectly, but well enough. Unfortunately, my mum kind of freaked out.

I had to lie to both my parents. This is the thing I feel most guilty about. Not necessarily my mum – if she found out I spoke to people on the Internet, that would be it for me. No freedom, no internet, no trust ever again. However, my dad is so much more accepting. He knows I talk to people, like you guys, and encourages me to meet them as long as I’m with someone else. He would never, and I do mean never, allow Jasmine to come over if I hadn’t met her first; at the time, I was going to go to hers, but perhaps now he’d accept it? I told both of them that Jasmine was a friend of Ivy’s and that I’d met her at Ivy’s party. Luckily, both Ivy and Jasmine know the cover story (I just need to flesh out the details before she comes over tomorrow). I think mmum is a little suspicious, so I’m absolutely screwed if she finds out the truth. Lying is terrible and not the best course of action at all, and I feel bad for it, but otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do this.

I’m going to be totally honest with you here. I’m very scared of your reaction, because I know that this potentially is risky. Isn’t life about taking risks, sometimes? I really want the freedom to do what I want, and to meet who I want. When my mum kicked up a fuss about me going to Jasmine’s (“I don’t know her, or her foster parents, and I’m worried!” which were all extremely valid concerns), I got unbelievably upset because I felt like I was a baby or something. Thank God Jasmine was okay with it. Her foster mum is driving her, so that my mum gets to meet them both to know who they are.

The only people that know the full story of this are Wren, Ivy and partly Willow. To be honest, when Jasmine comes over, I’m pretty damn sure something’s going to happen. Maybe not to the level of what might’ve happened when I’d gone to hers, but maybe that’s for the best right now. There’s been a lot of what one might call “flirting”, and some innuendos, and luckily I didn’t feel sick when that happened, which is progress.

I’m judging myself. If we kiss, is that okay? I don’t know. I’m not against it happening, but I just feel so… Guilty? I’m attempting not to call myself some horrendous names, but it’s difficult when I have about three people that I’m “considering”. It makes me feel awful because shitting hell, my last relationship ended a month and a half ago! What does that make me?

The main fear that I have when she comes around tomorrow is that she might get bored. Though it could be considered strange to say, I don’t find myself a particularly interesting person, but hopefully the conversations won’t dry up. I’m planning to go for a walk with her, because she’s staying for a while (perhaps 8 hours or something), as she lives too far for it to be just a 4 hour thing.

Both Jasmine and I are firmly set in that we don’t want a relationship. She’s in no position to right now, and neither am I. With me, I don’t want to get attached to anyone much this summer. It’s not just with her, it’s with anyone: it may put me in a difficult position, but I’ll have to be alright with that. In sixth form, I need to have a new start, and if I’m in a relationship, I think that the stress and paranoia will be so bad that I won’t be able to do much. I’m weighing up my personal happiness with the want to kiss people. WOAH that’s bad!

It’s not perfect, in any way. If I ever mention Rapunzel, she gets really jealous. We’re both paranoid as hell, and that’s not really good, but we know that whatever happens we’re still there as friends. She smokes a lot, and if you know me, you’ll know I really dislike cigarettes/drugs (she’s only done the latter as a test rather than a regular thing) but if I want to not be judgemental, I won’t think of that as a big deal; it doesn’t change her as a person. She’s done many, many things physically that I haven’t even got close to doing, but she understands. There’s this pressure I have to get into a relationship, but I honestly can’t right now – again, she gets it.

Maybe this will turn out shittily in the long run. I may be taking a huge leap into unknown territory that will screw me over. I might get so hurt by this and this MIGHT be a terrible idea, but for now I’m just trying to be okay with myself. If that involves having a “fling” with someone, so be it.

I still have so many unresolved feelings. I want to go out there and get experiences, live in the moment for once and be happy. Yes, stress may be a by-product of that, but I’ll just have to deal with it.

Before I commit to anything, I need to just say that I still respect Rapunzel implicitly. She’s still my friend, and we still very much talk; I’m always going to be there for her whenever I can. THAT hasn’t changed.

God, it feels great to finally explain all of this. I hope I’m doing the right thing, but the “right thing” is subjective.

Do you think it’s alright to act like I’m acting? I don’t want to hurt anyone, or make anyone miserable.

Thanks for always being here, and I mean that. You all make my day, because you’re just so helpful.

From Elm 🙂

Life’s The Teacher

Heyy, screw the hiatus; I NEED and want to post.

I went to blind camp as you guys know, and had an amazing time. L was there, and we sent interesting and hilarious voice messages to Anthony. Sorry about that hehe. I put makeup on, and laughed like crazy. And I ALSO met this person who L has trusted with his blog, and I can see why, because he’s great.

But this weekend, I learned possibly the most horrible lesson – it was one of absolute guilt at myself, because I realised a horrible flaw in my personality that I’d never really taken seriously, or seriously ENOUGH, until now.

There was a boy in the summer – someone I called S. The day after I broke up with my two-week-relationship internet boyfriend, I kissed the boy. We talked for two months, and then didn’t because I just… Couldn’t deal with it. I was a COMPLETE idiot. I hurt him and I knew it, but I didn’t realise how MUCH until now. I overlooked it, I suppose, carrying on with my OWN life and not bothering to text him, talk to him, message him, for three months.

And on Friday, I said hey, and then ensued a horrible and painful conversation. There wasn’t an argument, but I got hit – and I’m still shaking from the most horrific sense of guilt I’ve ever felt. I said I would “make an effort” to talk to him – bad word choice- but I’m terrified and I have NO idea what’s wrong with me. I was almost frantic and I kept apologising and it was a mess of emotion from my end.

In some ways, it’s even worse than what happened with the Ash situation, because S. did absolutely NOTHING and it was me who did all the manipulating, bitching, HORRIBLE things. I wouldn’t have put this past me a YEAR ago, but this was THREE months ago: when I thought I’d grown up, matured; when all I. wanted was to make people happy but I was making someone miserable right under my nose. It makes me so upset now that I feel like screaming and crying.

GOD, I feel guilty. I hate those people who twist emotions and fuck with people’s feelings, but I seem to have turned into one of those – or I WAS. Even when I was trying to be a good person – AFTER the Ash situation – I had no excuse. I was scared of long distance commitment, so I switched myself off to his feelings, I suppose. That makes me sick.

There is ALWAYS something you overlook and you can’t be perfect, I know that, but in the hell I went through last year with Ash, I thought I’d at least know or realise when I was starting to mess with someone’s feelings, so I could STOP that manipulation and try to set things right. In this, I can’t, because S and I are messed up because of our previous “history”.

I don’t know what to say. I wish I’d handled all of this differently, because that’s a REAL PERSON I’m hurting, and I’m not removed from the situation. I have to admit the horrendous parts of myself so I can start to rebuild them, to FIX them, because GOD I DON’T WANT TO HURT ANYONE ELSE, though I will without meaning to, caught up in some emotional high or low.

You’re always going to find a flaw, and you can’t fix all of them, but you’ve got more positives than flaws. I need to build up my friendship with S, WITHOUT neglecting my other friends as I’m wont to do – I feel so horrible about that, too.

I can’t fix this, and I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before because I love Aspen, but I can TRY and sweep up some of the mess I’ve caused.

S, I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry.

Have you guys been okay? Again, I’ve got to revise but I NEEDED to post.

From Elm 🙂

Well I’m Single

I don’t really care how stupid and cliche this sounds but I’m actually crying my eyes out as I write this.

I’m single. Well that was the fucking shortest relationship ever. *claps* WELL DONE, ELM! YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO KEEP A BOYFRIEND!

Some of you already know this, but yesterday, I told my boyfriend about my history with self-harm and things like that – let me stress that said history is nothing serious at all and I refuse to pretend it is. And he was a bit weird with me after that and said he had to think on it. Me, being me, had a complete freakout on the kik chat and was convinced he was going to break up with me.

Sorry to all of you that had to witness that.

Anyway. I was right, but not for the reasons I thought. This morning, I messaged him and we had a short, polite conversation. I then apologised for saying what I’d said the night before, and he sent me this:

Ok listen
this isnt coz of what you told me, i’ve been mulling over this since wednesday. I was going to use what you said yesterday as an excuse but I thought the truth would be better. The fact of the matter is, I like you, I really do. you are cute, sweet, funny… But i just don’t feel a connection to you elm. You’re like… a really good friend but… i just dont feel it. I’m happy to talk to you over skype or the phone bt i wasnt sure of your reaction. So, yeah

I feel like complete, complete shit.

The only respite I can get from this is that he told me, and he told me the truth.

But the truth is that I’m hurt and I’m in so much pain. I liked this guy a lot and I hoped I could be happy, but that didn’t happen.

This year had been the worst of my life in terms of relationships. You guys remember Ash and all the rest of it. After that, I needed a break, and I got that for 2 weeks.

2 weeks.

Pathetic.

Part of me is trying to tell me that I deserve this, and that I’m disgusting and that I should never have trusted him. I hope I’ve learned enough to ignore that voice.

I CAN move on from this, because I wasn’t in love with him.

It’s just starting again that’s the problem. Picking myself up and having the energy to try not to rebound, but failing and getting hurt over and over again.

This isn’t my fault. This isn’t his fault. I don’t hate him at all but I’m still really hurt and I just want to scream. I’m at my mum’s house and she didn’t even know about the relationship so I can’t cry like I want to.

I’m sorry, guys. I’m not doing well at all. It’s just got too much and I know that I’m going to have reminders like with Ash and it’s going to be difficult.

To the bloggers on the kik chat, thank you so much for helping me. You were there directly after it happened, and you’ve always supported me. That means so much.

I did a post on regrets a little while ago but for this, the only thing I’ve got is pain. Maybe I’ll have something else to go along with it soon.

It still hurts. I’m going to have to throw myself back into the world, and I haven’t even thought about what will happen when I get back to school with Birch. I don’t even want to.

I’m not in a distructive mood. That’s stopped, I hope, but I still feel terrible as shit and I just want to give up. But I won’t. I promise you that.

Sorry again. I really hope you don’t mind me whinging on about this. I guess I just missed an opportunity. Oh well, whatever.

I’m not coping, but I will. I’m not happy, but I will be.

From Elm 🙂